Thursday, December 31, 2009
I remember going into 2009 thinking it had to be so much better than 2008. I mean, I was graduating high school, and getting to go to college! Getting away from high school alone made this year better than last. But I never could have seen what happened this year coming.
All of the medical trauma I went through this year taught me a lot. It taught me strength, just how amazing my mom truly is, and most importantly, how vital faith in God really is. If, even at my lowest points, I didn't know that God was watching over me, I never would have made it through the past four and a half months. I know that for a fact. Yes, there have been times when I wondered, "Why me? Haven't I had enough?", but in my soul, I know that He has a reason for everything he's thrown at me this year. Just because I don't see the reason, that doesn't mean the reason isn't there.
This year isn't the first year that my family has been through a lot of crap. Living with someone who has mental problems that they don't want to get help for is never easy. It hasn't been for the past ten years. However, just like every other hardship in anyone's life, you get used to it. I love my sister, even if it's sometimes hard for me to remember that I do. Being around her 24/7 when I haven't been in the hospital has taught me a whole new level of Christ-like compassion.
As much as I love my family, and I know I would do anything in the world to protect them, I know I am past this town. The three weeks I spent at Campbell in September gave me a brand new idea of what is really out there waiting for me. I met people who immediately accepted me for who I am, something totally different than what I am used to. I had fun. I learned a lot. As Matt said when I was talking to him on the phone one day while I was there, "You sound happier than you've ever been." Because I was. I love my family, but they were toxic for my spirit. I love Campbell, and I can't wait to go back on January 10th.
Not only did I make instant friends at Campbell, there are also people here online that I have come to treasure more than a lot of people I know in real life. My mom calls the computer my obsession, and maybe it is, but I know that there are certain people I have met through this blog, Bloom, and other places on the internet that have changed my life and who I am as a person. I am immeasurably grateful for them and the jouurney that the friendships I have made have taken me on.
So yes, this year has been quite a journey. I have been through things that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I realize that it's just a part of life. I have learned much, lived much, and loved much. I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
That means this pain is a result of both being on the Prednisone (a reaction to it) and tapering off of it (a withdrawal).
At least I know it's almost over!
This also means that there's nothing stopping me from moving back to Campbell in twelve days!
Finally, something is going right. :) We leave for Myrtle Beach tomorrow.
Monday, December 28, 2009
I'm a little nervous, but whatever happens, happens. I talked to my aunt who is a nurse, and she says it sounds like it could be a Prednisone reaction. (Remember this post?) That would be SUPER, because it means this pain will go away when I finish the Prednisone on Wednesday. We can still go to Myrtle Beach from Wednesday-Saturday, and I can still go to Campbell on the 10th.
So we'll see. We'll see.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Christmas was fine. The family got along pretty well. But I spent most of christmas Eve and Day sobbing, so that made it pretty bad for me.
I did, however, get some awesome gifts. I know that's not the reason for Christmas, but it did lift my mood.
The orange cell phone I got last month was the first thing.
I also got:
a dorm phone that lights up orange, so I won't have to go outside at Campbell every time I want to talk to someone, because my receeption in the dorm is really really bad.
three new pairs of pajamas
$140 (plus my mom paid me $800 that I had let her borrow so we could live while I was in the hospital)
and a 22" flat screen TV with built-in DVD player for my dorm. Mom took $100 off what she owed me for it, because it was expensive, but she later told me she's giving me $50 back because the dollar amount matches my sisters' presents that way. So SWEET.
I can't wait for Campbell. Now, if only this pain would go away. Test results will be in tomorrow or Tuesday. Mom says she's taking me back to the doctor tomorrow to see if we can get the results early because I end up screaming and sobbing on a daily basis.
But we'll see...I gotta get off this computer. Sitting up is not easy.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I went from brain surgeries
to GI problems
to more brain surgeries
to pneumonia and a collapsed lung
and now I have pleurisy that has got me sobbing on a regular basis.
I am taking all of my meds and doing all of the things docs have suggested for me to do to help it, and the pain gets worse by the day. It's now spread all the way to the center of my back from the right side. I used to think it took a lot of pain to get me to cry, but not with this. I cried for an hour straight earlier today. It really sucks. And I don't know why it's not getting at least a little better. It's got my mom worrying about whether I'm ready to go back to Campbell on the 10th, which is freaking me out in a totally new way.
Today, I got up at 6:30 and went to Mom's workday and helped her for 5 hours. We had to drop Chelsea at some doctor appointment beforehand, so we didn't get to the school till a little after 8, and we left at 1:15. I thought I was tired when I got there...hah! By the time those 5 hours were over, I could barely walk to the car and wouldn't even go to this new Mexican restaurant that Mom wanted to take me to. Me turning down Mexican food is RARE.
I've done nothing all day but writhe and sob in pain and try to distract myself with Law and Order: SVU. So yep. Prayers would be great. :/
Oh, and one last thing...Yesterday when Mom and I were going to withdraw money from her bank, we saw this nice car in the parking lot, a Chrysler Sebring. A girl named Jenny owns the car. You wanna know how I know? She had emblazoned "Princess Jenny" across the top of the windshield in pink cursive. (I don't know if emblazoned is the right word, but I like it.) Okay, in how many different languages can you say TACKY? The only way that's not actually tacky is if you were actually a royal princess, and even then, it's a little iffy. Seriously. Haha.
Okay, that's it. Night all.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Today was okay emotionally, but tonight reached a whole new level of suckiness.
Mom ended up not going to her workday because she didn't feel good and it was optional, so we left in time to get some food and make it to my 12:00 orthodontist appointment. The appointment went fine, but there are two teeth that still aren't straightening out. If they don't by my next appointment, I have to get braces on some of my top teeth. Definitely do not want braces again, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I wanted to set up my next appointment for sometime during my Spring Break March 8-12, since that is the only break I have in the near future, but of course, that is the one week that my orthodontist is going to a conference. So we had to set it up for the following Monday, and it turned out okay because it's at 8:30, so I still might get back to Campbell in time for my real classes. All I'd miss is the Campbell Worship course, which is not that big of a deal. Haha. It's not like there's homework or anything. :P
After that, we went to see Rachel and Abby Grace. We didn't stay long, though, because her furniture is old so it's covered in residue from the cats she used to have, Rachel is sick, and Abby was about to go down for a nap. But it was still good and nice to see them.
Then, we went to Jacksonville and got money from my mom's bank. My mom (finally! yay!) paid back the money she owes me, minus the $100 for the TV I'm getting. (But what was even better is that tonight she told me after calculating how much she's spent on each of us for Christmas, I get $50 back!) We paid a few bills. Then, we went to Best Buy and looked at TVs. I got a really nice one by a company that Best Buy owns (Dynex?) that comes with a warranty, and it has a DVD player/slot in the side of it! It was only $20 more for the one with the DVD player, so I was like, heck yeah! We also bought an Ipod Dock and a car Ipod thing for Holly. And we looked to see if they had Dyson ball vacuums, but they're currently out. My mom is currently in love with that vacuum.
We went to Food Lion, and Walgreens, and then we came home. That was when hell broke loose. Chelsea was apparently supposed to meet her boyfriend in Jacksonville, and he never showed up (in his typical fashion), so she was in quite an evil mood. It went from her screaming because she had to help unload the stuff from the car, to the fact that Mom didn't bring her fast food, to her favorite thing: harassing me. She spent pretty much two straight hours, even as Holly came home, whining about how I don't do anything and that I'm using my pleurisy as an excuse to get out of work, and calling me horrible names.
Then, I finally snapped. I punched her on the arm, and she punched me five times in return (and then lied to Mom about it). I don't know why I did, and I honestly wish I hadn't. But you know what? I don't deserve this crap. I absolutely wish I could be better at dealing with her, but I am an emotional teenage girl who goes through more hell in one day than she has the slightest clue about, and I can't take it anymore. I never start fights. Ever. In fact, I rarely ever do anything back to her. I've taken her physical and verbal abuse for 10+ years, and I can't do it anymore. Is that an excuse? No. But I see it as more of a reason, in that if she would just leave me alone, I would never fight with her. I basically never speak to her and she lives to make my life hell. I'm done. I know I can't prove it to you all, since this is just the Internet, but I am a good person and I don't just start fights with people. I don't get the same sick enjoyment out of fighting as she does. I care about people. I usually end up crying and panicking when I think I've upset people like my mom or Holly. This is totally un-Christian, but my care for her is running out. I try and try and try to be nice to her, or at the very least ignore her, and it gets me nothing but a load of abuse. I know people who are so much better at this than me (you know who you are), and they'll probably want to tell me I need to learn to be a better Christian, but I am trying my best.
God, if there's a lesson in this hell, I hope You show it to me soon. I'm breaking down...
7:15 it becomes 7:30.
7:30 becomes 7:40.
7:40 becomes 7:45.
7:45 becomes 8:00.
8:00 she SWEARS she'll get up at 8:15.
Well, guess who's still not out of bed.
And now I'm wide freaking awake.
I don't appreciate being lied to and led on, especially not this many times.
If this is any indication of how today is going to go, I am SO screwed.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Wrapped a lot of presents with my mom tonight. I like helping. But it was boring and really hurt my back.
Going to work with my mom tomorrow because I have an orthodontist appointment and it's in the same town that her school is in. I get to see Rachel and Abby Grace! :)
Holly's coming home tomorrow! Yay for that! I get to see a sane sister!
We're going to Myrtle Beach from December 30th to January 2nd. Oh. Joy.
Pleurisy SUCKS. This pain is absolutely horrible. And there's no real treatment for it. And it could go on for months.
3 weeks to Campbell! Hallelujah! (Did you notice my pretty countdown at the top of the page?) :)
Friday, December 18, 2009
The number went down slowly over time.
But when these people...
came into the news world big time, my fascination with babies and large families came back full force. No, I didn't want to have as many children as them all of a sudden, but I did become fascinated with the Duggars.
I memorized their names in order.
I memorized their birthdays.
I watched the news to see when they would have another baby.
As I got older, I got smarter, as my mom called it. ;) I settled on the number 4 as the perfect number of kids for my future family. But I couldn't stop watching the Duggars in the news.
This family has sparked a lot of controversy. I get it. This many kids looks weird to a lot of people. But here's the way I see it... They support their kids. They don't take government money. They are using their TV show to announce the love and grace of God to the viewers. They are taking "trust God with all matters in your life" and living it out completely. Don't we all want to be like that?
In September, Michelle announced that they were expecting their 19th child on March 18th. At first, I thought it was a bit weird, since her daughter-in-law was also pregnant, and I don't get the "having babies while your kids are having babies" mentality, and then I realized how wrong I was for thinking that way. Who am I to decide when Michelle Duggar needs to stop having kids? They've obviously done a good job of raising the first 18. So what if I don't agree with their (as I call it) extreme Christian views? It's not my family, and it's obvious that they are doing the best they can the best they know how.
Once I got over my judgement of their choices, I thought it was really cool that she was due three days after Chelsea. And then...last week, Michelle had baby 19 14 weeks early. Little Josie Brooklyn Duggar. And my love for babies and baby names flourished once again.
Then, I began to pray for this family. So what if you think 19 is too many kids? So what if you think they're crazy Fundamentalists? There is a tiny, tiny baby in an Arkansas NICU who needs all the prayers she can get. She didn't ask to be born this early. She's got a long road ahead of her, and her parents do, too. It's not about what others think anymore. If this were someone's 1st or 2nd or 3rd child who was born this early, nobody would think twice about praying fervently.
I wish people would stop judging. It's not your life. Yes, they have gone on TV, but they are doing it with good hearts trying to spread the message of God and teach how a good marriage and caring parents can raise good kids, no matter how many kids you have. I wish Christians would see that.
So no, I may not always agree with them, but I will continue to admire and pray for Jim Bob, Michelle, Josh (and wife Anna and baby Mackynzie), Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace (who is 1 year old today!), and especially baby Josie.
See, I told you I knew all their names. ;)
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I do nothing.
Unless it involves going to the doctor.
All I do it watch TV and wait for my mom to get home.
Thankfully, after tomorrow she will be on Christmas break.
Maybe I'll get to that date with an inch of my sanity.
And maybe this pure physical hell will end before then, too.
I'm sorry my blog is so dull and boring lately. It's hard to have creative posts when your life is this boring.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Yes, I love Christmas.
Yes, I love my family.
But I want to get back to Campbell so badly!
Besides, nobody in my family is really in the Christmas spirit, not even my grandma, so it's not very exciting.
In fact, I got a confirmation email today that says my registration is confirmed and I have a spot in all my classes.
10:00 - 10:50: Campbell University Worship (CUW 100)
12:00 - 12:50: Intermediate French (French 102)
1:00 - 1:50: The National Government (Government 229)
2:00 - 2:50: Western Civilization I (History 111)
9:30 - 10:50: Microeconomics (Economics 201)
11:00 - 12:20: Freshman Composition I (English 101)
Most of these were things I was supposed to take last semester. I went down to French 102 because a) 201 is only offered in the fall, b) I was super unsure that I could handle 202 being my first college class, c) I want to minor in French, so I could use the extra class credit hours, and d) hello! easy A! :)
Did I mention I'm excited?
In other news, I feel like crap. It hurts to move. It hurts to hold my eyes open half the time. But I'm trying to stay awake in hopes that I'll be super tired tonight because last night was another night of little sleep. Blah.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
My pain doctor put me back on it today because of the severe chest wall pain I'm having from the pleurisy. The docs at Duke told me a few days of Ibuprofen would take care of it. Well, they were wrong, evidently.
And to add to it, she told me to hold off on the weaning of the Oxycodone till we get this pain under control. Which means I'll have to deal with the rebound headaches even longer.
My headache and body pain were so bad last night that I cried for half an hour. If you know anything about me by now, you know that it takes an insanely high amount of pain to make me cry. As I told the doc today, the only times in recent memories I remember crying over pain were 1) when my shunt valve broke, 2) when I had the staph infection, and 3) when I had the referred pain from my collapsed lung.
My chest is tight like I'm wheezing from bad asthma trouble, but I'm barely wheezing at all, and you can only hear it with a stethoscope.
So let's hope this works, huh?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Especially when you have them every day.
Even more so when they last all day.
But you know what takes the cake?
When they're so bad that you can't get out of bed, can't turn on the lights, can't do anything.
And I hate the fact that I'm having these headaches because I unwillingly became a drug addict after all the medical stuff I've been through in the past 4 months. Now, I'm trying to get off all the narcotics, and I'm stuck with often debilitating headaches and nausea. I will be completely off the drugs on January 1st thanks to the weaning schedule I put myself on. I just hope they won't still be so horrible once I'm back at Campbell.
I know I can handle headaches. I've had headaches basically every day for more than a year, and I've been fine.
But that doesn't make them suck any less.
Those post ideas I mentioned are coming soon.
27 days and counting to Campbell! :)
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Linn and her 16 year old daughter Emma are currently in China to get the daughter and sibling they have waited for for more than a year and a half, almost 8-year-old Jubilee Promise. Linn and her husband Dwight suffered from infertility, and have 3 biological and now 7 adopted children. Their oldest, Abi, and her hubby, Ryan, are going back to Uganda to adopt their first child, where Linn and Dwight's two youngest are from. This family has been on several missions trips, most-if not all- of them led by Dwight. They all have beautiful hearts, and I can not get enough of reading Linn's blog. I am rejoicing that they are finally going to get Jubilee.
Adrienne will soon be leaving for South Korea with her mother-in-law to get her daughter, a 1-year-old she and her husband have named Lily. Adrienne and Jim have a 4-year-old son named Owen, whom they adopted from Russia in June 2007. They have suffered 6 miscarriages and 2 failed domestic adoptions, and my heart has repeatedly broken for them in all they have suffered when they desperately wanted to have another child and give Owen a sibling. I am so excited that Adrienne gets the baby girl she has dreamed of for so long.
Please pray for them as they travel, that nothing will stop them as they both bring home the daughters they have loved and dreamed about for months. I appreciate it, and I know they will, too.
Sadly, the stupid condo did not have internet, which means my blog posts for the month are going to be way down. But what can ya do? (Yes, I'm sure you all think it's weird that I care about how many posts I make in one month.)
Anyway, I know most of you will be thoroughly disappointed, but I forgot to bring a camera with me this week, so no pictures. (Sorry Jordan!) Then again, we didn't really do anything that warranted pictures, in my opinion. But I will give you a play-by-play of everything I remember from this week. (You'll just LOVE Tuesday.)
Sunday - I got up at 7:40 am and started doing laundry because I felt crappy Saturday and calculated that I could get all four loads done before my grandma came to pick me up. So yes, laundry, laundry, lunch, and more laundry. My grandma called early afternoon and said she wouldn't be by till about 4 because she still had to pack since she didn't want to do it while her sister was still at her house. So 4:00 comes, my grandma arrives, we get some food packed up, and we leave. We go to the grocery store and pick up some stuff that we didn't have at our house. Then we drive to our condo. It was less than 40 minutes, which was nice, and then we unpacked. We were on the top floor (the 3rd floor, so it's not like it was a long way up, haha) with an amazing view of the ocean.
Monday - We ate breakfast, played cards, watched The Price is Right, ate lunch, and played more cards. I had woken up feeling like my right shoulder and right ribs were breaking, which freaked me out because they were the things that hurt the worst when my lungs collapsed. (More on this later...) Then we put on our bathing suits, covered up in clothes, went for a short walk on the beach, and then went to the pool. I only swam a few laps before my shoulder pain got so bad I couldn't take it. So I got in the hot tub, thinking the jets would be good for both my shoulder and ribs. 15 minutes later, I got out and the pain was ten times as bad. So we didn't really do anything else that day except play more cards (California Rummy and Pay Me!, if you must know) and go to Michelangelo's Pizza for dinner. Also, I ended up taking a breathing treatment because my chest felt so tight, even though I wasn't wheezing.
Tuesday - We had to get up super early because my grandma wanted to leave by 8:00 for my 12:00 appointment at Duke. I woke up with chest pain and neck pain, along with my shoulder and ribs. So we ate breakfast, and left, and I read about the first half of The Last Song (which I loved so much that I now want to see the movie when it comes out, despite the fact that Miley Cyrus is playing the main character). Went to my neuro CT scan, and when I laid (lay? I never know the right tense to use) down on the CT table, it felt like my chest was collapsing in. then headed up to the 3rd floor to wait for my clinic appointment with Dr. Fuchs. We were so early that I had plenty of time to do lots more reading before I went back. Dr. Fuchs showed me the scan from today and the one from last month when I was still in the ER, and he told me that my shunt was working great and showed me that the ventricles were visibly smaller. (Yay!!!) Then, I told him about the pains and trouble breathing, so he told me to go to the ER and get a chest x-ray. So that's what we did and I was admitted quickly. Then, things slowed down. First, I had to wait for the doctor to come examine me. Then, I had to wait for pain meds (a long time!). Then, I had to wait for the chest x-ray results. I rejoiced that my lung was not collapsing again. That was normal, so the doc said he wanted to get bloodwork because since the x-ray was normal, they wanted to search for the reason for this pain. He said that if the test they were doing on the bloodwork came back negative, they'd give me some pain meds and let me go, but if it was positive, then that might indicate a blood clot in my lungs, so they would have to run another scan. Those results took an hour and a half, which we expected. All along, I'm texting back and forth with my mom trying to keep her calm enough not to drive all the way up to Duke until we know that something's wrong. The scan took half an hour, and the results took half an hour, but they were clean. (Another Hallelujah!) So basically 7 hours in the ER to find out I have pleurisy, inflammed lungs due to a germ infection that clears up on its own, and Ibuprofen will do the trick. Go figure, right? We got back to the condo just before 1 am and crashed.
Wednesday - My grandma got up at 9 and headed back to our town to get her hair done. I slept till noon when she got back. Then took a nap from 2 to 3:45. We played a game of cards, then I got a shower. For dinner, we went to Tsunami, a Japanese buffet restaurant. It is SO delicious. We played more cards and watched Law & Order: SVU. My grandma likes to watch certain TV shows every night, so it was great that she actually let me pick one for once. :)
Thursday - We relaxed in the morning and were planning on going to a place called The White Swan for lunch, but I got distracted by Law & Order: CI while my grandma was in the shower, so we didn't leave till 2:00, and the place closes at 2. (My grandma was not happy about this.) We ended up going to Bojangles for lunch, then to the Dollar Tree for candy and new decks of cards, and I sat in the car while my grandma snooped in some random store. Playing cards, a shower, and dinner were about all that happened after that. (The usual, you know?)
Friday - We basically did nothing up until 4:00 when we went to Belk. My grandma searched for sweatshirts (and nearly bought this hideous black shirt that had glittery Christmas presents on it), but was unsuccessful. Then we went to El Zarape for dinner. It was amazing. I've been to an El Zarape closer to my house, but this place was soooo much nicer. And just as delicious and same great prices (even better that night since my grandma had a coupon). Best meal of the week, that's for sure.
Today we did nothing but eat breakfast, clean up the condo (the stuff that everyone has to do the day they leave), and leave. SO good to be home.
Yes, I know this post was incredibly long, but I know you all are just so fascinated with my life that you want to know every detail about my vacation week. ;) I'll be back to normal posting tomorrow.
Two posts I have in mind: The Duggars and my plans for a family in the future.
For now, I plan on relaxing with my mommy. :) Laundry catch-up begins tomorrow.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
AND is taking me to a condo on the beach for a week starting Sunday,
she's also taking me to get grouper for lunch today just because I said I was craving it.
Please be in prayer for my mom and me. There are a couple of serious and concerning situations (hers is worse) going on with us that I'm very nervous about. I can't share details yet, but I will in time. Thank you.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I am just so fed up with being in this house. I still can't understand how first my mom, and then my grandma, can fuss at me because I'm mad at what Chelsea is doing. I'm TRYING to be nice. But them telling me that it shouldn't be bothering me is just...wrong. They're the ones enabling her to do this, and I'm speaking my mind and saying how much it upsets me, and I get yelled and fussed at. Someone, please tell me how that makes sense.
I'm so tired of getting yelled at for this. My grandmother actually asked me "Why does this upset you?" Uh, because I'm standing by watching my sister harm the nephew I already love, and I basically feel like I'm the only one who cares about him? How can I be getting yelled at for being scared about the well-being of my nephew?
I think I would be handling this better if she had at least made some attempt to cut down. But no. It's like the longer she's pregnant, the more she smokes. And then I have to listen to her say how much she loves Blake, and I don't get it. I'm tired of hearing her say over and over again that the next pack is her last pack. It never is. It's nauseating, to be honest.
Lastly, I realized that part of the reason I'm so scared something is going to happen to Blake is because I know that if something does go wrong, it could very easily destroy Chelsea. She's so emotionally and mentally fragile as it is; losing this baby could be the last straw. As angry as I am with her, I still love her.
I love my family to pieces, but I don't like being here. It makes me so depressed. I need to go back to Campbell, and 38 days is almost too long to wait.
On a side note, today is Holly's 22nd birthday. Happy birthday to her.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I love ya, tomorrow.
Hahaha, no really.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my pain doctor. I've got to figure out what she wants me to do because my Oxycontin runs out Thursday morning. I don't know if she wants to write me more Oxycontin and wean off that (my mom's idea), or if she wants me to switch to Oxycodone and then wean off that (my idea). So we'll see. I'm not too worried about it, though my mom is even now afraid that I'm going to become some sort of drug addict. Which I understand why she's afraid, but I've had 16 surgeries, if I was going to become an addict, I'm pretty sure it would've happened already. I mean, I did manage to go from Oxycontin 3 times a day to twice a day on my own. Not really a sign of an addict. But we'll see.
I'm so tired. I'm watching The Santa Clause 3 right now (I can't believe I've never seen this before!), and plan to go to bed after it. Have to get up super early tomorrow for the appointment. My mom is taking me, and then my mom is picking me up afterwards so that my mom can go straight to work.
Today is Matt's 21st birthday. I called him not long after midnight to wish him a happy birthday. He actually seemed happy to hear my voice. But he's cramming for exams, so we really haven't talked much recently. Though there was one day over Thanksgiving Break that he actually called me, which was very weird for him, haha! There's things going on in my head about him that I'm still trying to sort out...It's all very weird. When or if I can figure it out I'll let you know.
Oh, and even though I was feeling pretty good after riding my bike, my back is now a mess. And I don't think it was very good for my ankle, either. But I'm going to keep on with it. It can only get easier, right?
336 calories burned.
JD, you know what that means for you! Hehehe.
I should probably take a shower soon because, of course, I'm soaked in sweat.
It didn't hurt my ankle too bad, either!
It was hard, but feels pretty good now. Yay for that!
Monday, November 30, 2009
I hate periods.
I hate hormones.
I hate cramps.
Guys have it so easy, I tell ya. :P
Today's been another day full of Chelsea yelling - escalated by the fact that Mom went back to work today and wasn't here to help me.
Tomorrow starts my bike-riding regimen. I'm actually looking forward to it. (Is that odd?) I'm thinking if I watch TV while I ride, that will help me not think about what I'm doing.
I'm so tired. I went to bed at like 1:30 last night and woke up at 7:23 this morning and could not get back to sleep. So I've been up all day. Yes, I managed to not even take a nap! I washed my sheets today (I love clean sheets!), so hopefully, I'll sleep good tonight.
Have I mentioned recently that I love my bed? :)
Welcome to Not Me Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. Go over to her blog to see what others are not doing this week!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Starting December 1 (because I like starting things off on the start of a month or week. Yes, I'm weird like that) I am going to ride my exercise bike at least 30 minutes a day at least 5 days a week. Yes, I realize that that means I will have to ride it every day this week once I start, but I think I'm ready. Hopefully, this will make at least a little bit of difference by January 10.
I'm thinking I'll post how I'm doing from week to week, so that you guys can help keep me responsible. And buy myself a scale. My mom hates having a scale in the house (hah!) but I think I would really benefit from one.
Okay, that's about it. Today's been a lazy day because I haven't really felt like doing much because of my ankle, so there's nothing much else to say.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Basically, the gist of what I want to say is this: This year, I'm thankful to be alive.
There are so many things that could've gone wrong with the situations that were going wrong with my health in the past three months. I could've died on many different occasions. So yes, this year I'm thankful to be alive.
I'm thankful that God protected me.
I'm thankful my mom has been with me 24/7. Not only for my peace of mind, but because she is the best advocate for me when I'm too tired or in pain to argue with doctors.
Okay, you get my point. I am now going to crawl down under my covers and sleep off the food coma that's setting in. :)
Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night.
My great-uncle Ed (the one who's paying for me to go to Campbell) and my grandma (my dad's mom) Frances are coming from almost two hours away, so I'm really excited. We're pretty sure my grandma is getting Alzheimer's, so it's really important to spend time with her while she's still in somewhat good shape.
My ankle is still throbbing since I fell in the shower Wednesday, but I finally got an ankle brace a couple hours, so that's helping support it. It's just not very easy to move around a lot. Plus, I have yet another killer headache, and my mom and Holly have been blasting music for almost 4 hours, so that kind of sucks, but at least everyone's in a good mood today. Even Chelsea's being pretty cooperative and helpful, so that's a little miraculous.
I'm in my room trying to get a little quiet and get rid of this headache right now. I feel kind of bad for sitting on my bed while my mom is in the kitchen, but she told me to do it, so it's not so bad, right? ;) I have till 3:00, and then I told her I would go back out and peel potatoes. She makes amazing garlic mashed potatoes. I'm so excited about all the deliciousness coming tonight that I can barely eat today. Haha!
Okay, it's now 2:45. I'm going to enjoy my last 15 minutes of quiet. I just felt like updating. There's a thankfulness post I'm going to write tonight after the feast, so look out for that. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday and are doing well today.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
I went to take a shower, because I thought it would help me relax. I slipped and fell. Banged my head, shoulder, and elbow, hurt my back, and twisted my ankle. It was quite graceful, really. Just what I needed, too. *sigh*
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
And then there's the fact that Mom enables Chelsea to kill her baby. Smoking half a pack a day when your baby already has only one artery is just cruel, and my mom buys the cigarettes for her every other day to help with that. I asked her about it and she said "I'm not going to make her quit during the holidays." Hello! It's not been a holiday every day since July when we found out she was pregnant. It's like I'm the only one who gives a crap about that baby.
I'm the good kid, and I get treated like shit. Chelsea's an evil bitch 98% of the time and gets away with EVERYTHING. I can't wait for January. I want to go back to Campbell. I want to get the hell away from these people. I love them, but I don't feel loved here. I'm desperate for something to change, or I'm going to go insane.
Excuse me, I have to go cry myself to sleep now.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Sometimes, you just need to sleep the day away.
At least when I'm asleep, I can't think about how badly my face itches.
It looks like the worst zit breakout in history, but my mom thinks it's a rash.
I just want it to go away. It's disgusting.
I'm sorry. TMI? :)
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tuesday was spent arguing with the doctors because they wanted to send me home that day, but I had crappy oxygen saturations all night Monday night, and my mom was really nervous. The docs claimed it was a probe problem, but thank God for Tom the pain guy, because he argued and fought with them until they agreed to give me one more night. It was the best thing, too, because one more day of breathing treatments and medicine, and Tuesday night, my sats were great.
So Wednesday we were ready to go bright and early. Hah! We could not wait to get out of there. Then, a freaky thing happened, and as I was washing my face with one of the washcloths (the same washcloths I've used every day that I've been there), without even using soap or anything, and my face broke out in a rash. The redness went away rather quickly, but my face is still caught in the worst breakout I've ever had. We left the hospital and went to our usual celebratory "yay I left the hospital" lunch at Olive Garden. There, we ended up getting seated next to a woman who, the second she saw me, recognized that I had a shunt and we talked for over an hour. It's great how God puts people in your path at just the right time, isn't it? After that, Mom decided that she really wanted to get me new bedding while we were out because she had a plan to literally clean my room out from top to bottom and get rid of all possible allergens. So we went to WalMart, and I was out of breath just walking to the back of the store. Luckily, they brought me one of those motor scooters. We got mattress and pillow allergy covers, but no good bedding. So we went to Target, and still no luck, but I got a motor scooter there, too. Bed Bath & Beyond had nothing. Then to Sears and they had nothing. Okay, I shouldn't say nothing, because there were things that could've worked, but we weren't super excited about anything and they weren't great, so we went on. I was totally exhausted, but I kept going just because I knew this was important. JC Penney's had nothing, either, and I was about to give up. But I agreed to one more store since we were already at the gigantic mall - Belk. Every place but Sears had wheelchairs, so I was okay. We got up to the second floor, and headed for the bedding section. Oh hallelujah, we found the PERFECT one! The orange was the perfect shade, I love the geometric shapes; I was instantly giddy about it. So we finally left about 5:00 and headed for home. Needless to say, I slept the entire way there except to wake up for dinner. :)
Thursday we had big plans to start on my room, but that so did not happen. Mom and I slept all day long. And we needed it, too. A good sleep in a real bed without being woken up every 10 minutes can do wonders for you. :) Then, of course, we were up till 3 am singing The Sound of Music and laughing hysterically. (Hey, you trying singing "The Lonely Goatherd" and not laughing!)
My mom, being the crazy insomniac that she is, woke up at 6:30 and started emptying out my room. She woke me up at 8. At that point, she had already gotten everything except for my big dresser out. We cleaned. We cleaned. We cleaned some more. We moved furniture. Lots of furniture. We rearranged my room. We rearranged Chelsea's room. We switched the dressers between the two rooms. We moved the exercise bike into my room. It was a long freakin' day. But now I'm sitting in my own room on my new comforter, and it's so worth it. :) My mom is the best person alive. She did most of it herself since Chelsea's pregnant and lazy, and I'm weak. She's amazing. Seriously.
So yeah. That should explain why I haven't blogged. But I'll try not to leave you guys hangin' like this again. :)
(And yes, I do have a crazy love for smiley faces.)
Monday, November 16, 2009
As long as nothing bad happens, I should be good to go to get out Wednesday.
My mom and I are concerned about how my oxygen sats drop if I lay flat, but they won't do anything and haven't mentioned doing anything to check it, so I guess it's not that big of a deal.
So yes, yes, this hospital stay is almost over.
Now, I just have to keep on top of things and make sure that my bowels don't get out of control. (TMI?) But I am taking my medicine like a good little patient without complaining, so there ya go.
Okay, I feel like I'm gonna puke. Time to go to sleep.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
They say I'm making lots of steps in the right direction. I could even go home tomorrow asthma-wise, but there's still a lot of issues with this referred pain and getting me off the IV pain meds. I get this weird feeling that they think I'm some sort of addict, but it's not my fault that the PO drugs they want to give me don't work. I'm not a normal Peds patient; I have an insanely high tolerance for pain meds and they need to work with that.
Last night, I fell asleep about 2 am, the first semi-normal time in days, but was woken up what felt like every 15 minutes by my nurse (whom I adore, so I wasn't mad at her), my NA, and the respiratory people. So I slept like all day.
Speaking of respiratory people, my nebulizers are now every 4 hours. Another good step. They have this special nebulizer here that gets a lot more medicine into my lungs than the one I have at home, so here's to hoping that we can take this one home.
I took another shower tonight. It hurt again. But I was super sweaty and my mom was just not going to let the idea go so I did it. And then we realized that the temperature is screwed up in the whole unit so I've been soaked in sweat ever since, making the shower kind of pointless.
*yawn* That's about it. Night!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
So here's the story...
Tom was on the phone with my mom twice last night as I was screaming in pain, and he managed to get me 1 mg of Dilotid IV and 2 mg PO (by mouth). Once again, I got very little sleep. He called my nurse early this morning (no clue what time) and said that he was going to get me a Dilotid pump so I could get a burst whenever I needed it because he could hear me screaming so things obviously weren't working. However, the IV in my hand that I had gotten put in in the Emergency Room was quite small, so he put in orders for a new IV so that the Dilotid didn't hurt my veins. I was cool with that. Well, guess who they sent to my room to put in my IV? The cocky jerk I mentioned in this post. I mentally groaned as soon as I saw him, and when he stepped out to get gloves, I told my mom who he was. I'm generally not that good with names of people I don't see every day, and this guy's named popped in my head like I had just been transported back to August. So she told me to call my nurse and request someone else. I explained to her what happened and that I didn't want the dude touching me, so she went back out and told him I wanted somebody else. He told her he'd have to call his charge nurse to come do it, but she was "swamped." Guess when I finally got a new IV.
6:30 pm. And it wasn't even the charge nurse that came and did it! That meant almost 12 hours without IV pain meds, my antibiotics, or my steroids. (My mom said, "They better hope her pneumonia doesn't take a step back thanks to this 12-hour break, or I'm gonna raise hell.") When the disaster with Mr. IV dude happened in August, nurses told me it was my right to request at any time for any reason to not have someone do a procedure on me. So I thought it wouldn't be a big deal that we sent him away, but no. This was like "You don't like who we send you the first time? Well, you can wait till next shift then." Like some sort of punishment for that guy being a screw up. Thank heavens I managed to sleep a little today to forget how much pain I was for not being able to get the one medicine that brings relief. The two people who finally came from the IV team were so super apologetic, and I'm like, "This isn't your fault." It was either the IV guy's fault, or the charge nurse's because they said that no one told them all day that I was waiting for one. Of freaking course.
So needless to say, tonight has been one big catch-up game of trying to get my pain back under control, which frankly isn't working too well. And now there's new pain at the top of my lungs. And I'm burning up and my face is bright red even though I don't have a bit of fever. And Mom and I are trying really hard not to call Tom since we woke him up twice last night, though he said he wanted us to, and tomorrow is his day off. It was really funny - when he walked in the room this morning, he was like, "Okay, your bill for the two middle-of-the-night pages comes to 100 million, 50 thousand dollars." Joking, I said, "How about I just marry you? Will that make it even?" He said, "Yes, as long as you cook me three gourmet meals a day." My mom chimed in, "Oh, you don't want her to cook for you. That'd be punishment, not pleasure!" He laughed and said, "Okay, marriage it is, then." Hey, what can I say? He's only 27, and seems like the type of guy that any girl would be lucky to marry. He's
I'll let you know when the invitations are gonna be sent out. ;)
Friday, November 13, 2009
This hospital stay is kicking my butt.
On top of the fact that I can't breathe very well, I have pain all over my back, shoulders, arms, and neck. This is something called "referred pain." The bottom of my right lung is partially collapsed due to the atalectasis, and it's pressing down on my diaphragm. The nerves around my diaphragm are irritated because of this and shooting pain all over my upper body. For the past three days, I've felt like a sumo wrestler was sitting on my right shoulder and collar bone. There's muscle spasms all over my back. Oh, and I have a killer headache, too. Not cool.
My oxygen sats are staying in the low 90s unless I'm on this high-tech nebulizer they have here. That's not good since they've been pumping me full of steroids and oxygen. I was even on a continuous nebulizer for most of last night and today, and my sats still won't go up.
Last night sucked. I was in searing pain all night long, and it really felt like I couldn't get the peds docs to listen to me. They kept sending me the same two medications over and over again even though my mom and I both told them that they weren't working. My pain level was at a 10 for four hours and I was sobbing for most of that time. Finally, my mom called a patient advocate, and they bugged the doctor into giving me the one pain killer that gave me any relief. Of course, it only took my pain down to an 8.5, but I was at least able to relax a little, but I still didn't fall asleep till 9something this morning. (My mom, on the other hand, just fell asleep about 3 hours ago. She was up all day talking to all the doctors that came in so I could rest. God Bless her.)
Today, though, we met a Godsend named Tom. He is from the Pain Team, and he spent a long time in my room this afternoon talking to us about ways to manage this pain without having to completely depend on the heavy narcotics because of the dangers the narcotics bring for respiratory supression. He was the first person I met that made me feel like he was really listening to me. He didn't just see me as a little kid who doesn't know what's going on with her body. (Because, let's face it, there's nothing little about me! haha) He changed a lot of my dosages and told the peds doctors that it's not smart to take away my Dilotid completely (the only medicine that was really helping last night). He told me he's been in a situation where he's had this referred pain, so he could really sympathize. Gosh, when he left, I felt a whole new sense of relief. He even told us that even though his work hours are 7-7 and he's off Sunday, we can page him anytime, day or night, if the doctors are not working with me, and he'll take care of it. Is that awesome or what?!
You wanna know a way to tell that you've been in the same hospital unit too long? When the nurses see your mom in the hallway getting ice and blankets and sigh, "Oh no! Poor girl, what is she in for now?" Or when they see your mom walking into a "staff only" area to see what's in there and don't do anything about it. 5300 is all too familiar to me. When they finally got me a bed on Wednesday, and they told my mom it was in 5100, my mom actually teared up because of all the new faces that we'd have to deal with, all the people who don't know me like the people who work in 5300. They moved me here to the pediatrics step-down unit yesterday so that I could be put on the continuous Albuterol. Granted, the step-down nurses and the 5300 floor nurses are two different groups, but I've still gotten visits and I have a nurse that I know from August tonight. That kind of helps with the mood.
I have no idea when I'm getting out of here. No freaking clue. And I'm trying really hard to trust God, but that's easier said than done when you're thrust into another crappy situation like this, isn't it?
A positive side, though, is that at least I'm getting a break from Chelsea. She's causing havoc while Mom's away, per usual. Holly came into town Tuesday night just hours before we left for Duke, and she ruined her phone at work on accident, so Mom told her to take her (Mom's) phone and get Holly's number put on it because Mom was planning on getting her and Chelsea new ones, anyway. Well, when Holly left to go back to Raleigh yesterday, Chelsea found an old phone in the house, invited a guy over, and used his phone to call Sprint and get Mom's number put on this old phone, after Mom specifically told her no. Of course! I guess she thought that Mom would be so wrapped up in taking care of me that she wouldn't bother doing anything about it till we get home...Then, she made the ever-so-stupid mistake of calling Holly, tipping her off that she had to have gotten a phone turned on. So Holly called my grandma and my grandma went over and found the guy hanging out in the living room, another rule broken. Holly called Mom and told her what happened, and Mom called Sprint today and got the phone number suspended and made it so that the number can only be reinstated "by the account holder in person with a Photo ID." Mwhahahahahahaha! It made me want to leave Chelsea a comment on Myspace and go "Mom's smarter than you are! Mom's smarter than you are!" But I didn't, because of course, I'm so much more mature than that. :)
Okay, that's about all I've got. I slept through all the important meetings today, so I don't really know how to explain the medical stuff any further, and besides, this post is long enough. Just know I'm hanging in there. I feel like crap, but I'm hanging in there.
Love and hugs.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
My mom and I left about 11:45 last night because I was having excruciating pain in my chest, right ribs, right side, right side of my back, head, right side of my neck, and right shoulder. Yes, ALL my pain was and is in my right side. We got here about 2:30 am and spent all night and most of the day in the ER because there were no beds. Literally NONE. We didn't get in a room till almost 5 this afternoon. Last night, though, they did their usual CT and shunt series, but they also did a chest x-ray. The shunt looked fine, which was a huge relief. However, my chest is a disaster. On top of my bronchitis, I have pneumonia and atalectasis, the latter of which means that the bottom of my right lung has collapsed.
Needless to say, I feel like crap. And I have a bad headache, so this is all I've got tonight. Prayers would be appreciated beyond belief.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Bad news: The doctor didn't confirm that I have a sinus infection, which would explain why my snot is green.
Good news: It's just a bad case of bronchitis, not strep or the flu, the latter of which could put me back in the hospital.
Bad news: It's a bad case of bronchitis.
Good news: I have medication and cough drops.
Bad news: I still can't breathe and am taking breathing treatments round the clock.
So yep. Just thought y'all would like to know that this isn't anything super serious. It's slightly serious simply because my immune system is still so compromised, but as long as I kind of quarantine myself and give this medicine time to work, I should be good to go. Oh, and I discovered something new today! If you get shots in your butt, they don't hurt! I had to get a shot of steroids because my doc didn't want to give me steroid pills because of my crappy immune system, and my mom said the nurse stuck all of a kind of big needle into my butt, and I didn't feel a thing! For someone who hates needles as much as I do, this is an important thing to know.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I'm taking my 3rd breathing treatment in the past hour and a half and I can still hardly breathe.
My immune system is still practically non-existent.
I don't want to go back to the hospital.
I don't want my mom to have to be out of work again.
Lord, help me. I'm desperate.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I think I should see if my grandma can take me to the doctor sometime next week.
It's just one thing after another with me, isn't it?
Hope you all are well.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Today sucked. Not only do I feel bad, I burned the crap out of the side of my hand, and Chelsea was especially defiant and rude.
I don't know what's up. Mom thinks it's a cold or I'm coming down with the flu, because my asthma's all flared up. The good news is my temperature high today was 99. Yes, for someone who usually runs 97-97.5, that's a little odd, but still good. Here's to hoping I don't get a fever. Fevers are a rare thing for me, anyway. I can have several infections at the same time (various combos of sinus, respiratory, and each of my ears) and have a normal temperature. (That's another reason why the 100.8 I got the night I went to Duke for the staph infection was especially alarming.)
Ugh. I think I'm just going to go to sleep.
I had a much better day yesterday.
I only felt nauseous for a little bit. My headache was much better. Ms. Rachel and Abby Grace came to town for the afternoon and stayed for dinner, so I got some sweet baby lovin'. :)
So yes, yesterday was much better, but I don't feel good today. *sigh* I might blog again tonight.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Because of that, I slept through 9 am when I needed to take my Oxycontin.
Because of that, I woke up at 12:50 pm with a killer headache.
I took my Oxycontin and 10 mg of Oxycodone, and my headache was gone at 1:30.
By 3:00, it was back, and I started feeling really nauseous.
So I took Phenergan at 3:30.
That didn't work.
I took another 10 mg of Oxycodone at 5:45.
That didn't work, either.
I've been nauseous all freakin day, and my headache is a 9.
I tried eating saltines and drinking ginger ale.
I think that made it worse.
I took another Phenergan at 6:35, because the total dose of the two was something they'd given me in the hospital.
I later puked, and still didn't feel better.
The one and only good thing is that my temperature is normal.
But I feel absolutely horrible.
I think I'm just gonna go to sleep.
***8:30 pm - I threw up again. A lot. BOO.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I'm quite relieved. But then I'm thinking, is this what my life has resorted to? Constantly being afraid that something's about to go wrong? Uh-uh. Go away, Satan!
I'm warning you. Otherwise I might have to punch you in the face.
Hey, I need to punch something today!