Friday Friday Friday. A long and busy but awesome day.
We had to get up early because I was meeting with the Alumni director at 8:30 and Summer had class at 9. That meeting was really nice. I was only supposed to be there for 15 minutes but ended up staying there about 30. Then, she had an interview, so I left and went to Chick-Fil-A.
I ate a little bit so that my blood sugar didn't drop, and then I pretty much took a nap until my sweet friend Nicole showed up at 11:30 for our lunch date. That sweet girl, I swear, y'all, she is one of the best people I know. She is one of the most gorgeous girls I know, but she's humble and quiet and gentle and kind to everyone. She is so good at lifting me up. Because of drama that's been going on in my life lately, she's done a lot of listening, and she knows how much it's been wearing on me. So most of that lunch was talking about that, and she was so sweet. She called me a unicorn because I'm such a "rare gem" in this world, and she encouraged me to believe that despite the mistreatment I've been dealing with from the one guy, there is someone coming in my future that will treat me the way that I deserve. She told me to believe that I am beautiful, because I am. I'm so thankful to have girlfriends at all in my life, but I'm especially lucky to have ones as wonderful as her in my life.
After she had to leave for class, I went behind D. Rich and met up with Jhuvy. I didn't get to see this brother last year when I visited, so it's been two years since we saw each other last. We caught up and reminisced and I got to tell him straight out how much he means to me, and it was just sweet to get to see him again. My goal was to see as many of my brothers as possible this trip.
Then, I went back in D. Rich again and saw Dr. Stanke again, and then I went upstairs hoping to catch Dr. Mero and found him and Dr. Thornton knee deep in some online teaching headaches. So I didn't spend much time there so as to let them focus.
After that, I went over to Dr. Steegar's office and got to catch up with him for about 45 minutes. That was awesome. Two years later, and he is still like the grandpa I never had.
Then, I had to leave because I had a date in Starbucks at 3 with two of the "baby Camels," as I like to call them. Seth and Josh are two freshmen that I connected with via Ricky, and we all really wanted to meet each other while I was on campus. Ricky had told them both a lot about me, so they were, needless to say, very flattering, but I was just happy to get to hang out with the second generation of my brothers. We've decided that I've adopted them, just like the older boys adopted me. The family tree continues.
They left about 4, and I got Summer to come pick me up and take me back to her place. We hung out for a while just talking and listening to music and watching videos, and then she started cooking. This ANGEL of a host let me invite five of the soccer boys over for dinner because I wanted her to meet them, one in particular. She wouldn't even let me help her cook, so I sat and sang for her while she made the food. Matt, Martinez, Pepe, Tunji, and Daniel showed up about 6:15, 15 minutes after they were supposed to be there, but it was dark and rainy and they're, well, college boys. We hung out for about two and a half hours before they left because they were going out. It was good to see them in a relaxed environment outside of the kinds of places I usually see them.
After they left, Summer and I dissected the important details of the night, cleaned up the food and whatnot, and then just chilled and watched tv. I also updated a few people who I knew would want to know how it went. Because I had only had one small bowl of spaghetti and a donut at dinner, I ended up ordering us both two pizzas, garlic knots, and a brownie cookie. I was going to order it tomorrow anyway for the game.
The night ended on a calm note, which after all of that activity, was exactly what I needed. I was tired, but it was all being surrounded by my people. And that is exactly where I belong.
Yesterday was the day I've been counting down to since I landed in North Carolina.
I got to go home.
Home to my beautiful Campbell, home to my safe place, home to my people that I have missed so desperately over the past year.
I got there at about 12:15. I wandered around and hung out in the beautiful weather until 2:00 when I went to speak to Dr. Thornton's senior seminar class. He asked me to come in and give them some advice and perspective on getting through the senior thesis. I spent about an hour there talking, and then saw Dr. Stanke, and then, since I was still waiting to hear back from a certain boy, I told him I was going to be in the student center. I had to go to him about two and a half hours later, and hung out with him and his friend for a little while, but then just went to Summer's house when they headed to dinner. She had to go to work after we ate, so I hung out and watched basketball, talked to Clayton, listened to music, and took a shower. I couldn't get to sleep until about 2 am just because I was so happy to be back.
This morning, we woke up rather late because Summer didn't have class until 11. She dropped me at Chick-Fil-A and I ate something small. Then, I went over to the administration building to see the Campbell Alumni office, who had asked me on Twitter to come by, but the lady wasn't in yet so they asked me to come back after 12:30. No problem.
Matt texted and asked me to meet him at this grill right off campus at 1, so eventually I made my way over there nice and slowly (Summer's guest bed is super hard so my back and hips have been killing me). I ended up getting to have lunch with both him and Martinez, a two-for-one Matt special.
When we were done, they drove me back towards the library, which now has this really nice, full-size Starbucks inside, as opposed to the mini one that was in the student center the whole time I was a student. There I got to hang out with my friend Mercedes (who just so happens to be Ryann's cousin) and we talked about a million different things. That did my heart so much good. Sometimes God is really awesome and gives you a friend who has dealt with so many similar experiences that she just understands how you feel and why you are the way you are. I'm so thankful we got to hang out for a bit.
After that, I went over to try to see the Campbell Alumni director again. This time, she was in a meeting and had no idea how long it would take, so I left my number and someone else said she would get her to call me whenever she got out of the meeting so we could actually set up an appointment for me to meet and so I didn't waste time that afternoon and risk her not being free before business hours were over.
Then, I went over to D. Rich and hung out and talked with Dr. Stanke and Dr. Thornton again for a while. Summer had to come back to main campus to work at that library tonight (she was at the med school library yesterday) so I told her I would just stay and eat dinner on campus and hang out until her shift started. I was still waiting to see when I could meet up with one other person, so I figured it would be best to stick around the whole time. So I went to Burger Studio around 5 and ate dinner. I ended up spending all night there. My friend Danielle (I met her through Ricky) couldn't come see me until about 8:30, and Summer told me they were suddenly enforcing the rule that workers weren't allowed to have visitors, so I just stayed there. Danielle left at like 9:15, and I stayed until they closed at 10.
Then, I went into Starbucks and had another hot chocolate, and then I sat in the lobby of the library and listened to music and texted Summer...while she was about 5 feet from me. Ha! My friend Nicole was able to come pick me up at like 11:20 and take me home a bit early so I could go ahead and get a shower, since Summer didn't get off until midnight.
I tried to fall asleep early, but my brain just would not shut off because of how filled with sheer joy I get when I am here. There's nothing like being with my people. They are my home.
In just a few hours, these two boys of mine will be in the middle of their graduation ceremony. This is another time I'm really grateful for whoever invented the livestream, because I get the joy of watching it happen from more than 500 miles away.
I would scream it from the rooftops if I could just how proud I am of these two. They have stories that inspire me, faith that teaches me, and wisdom that pushes me to grow. They are two of my most favorite people in all the world, and tomorrow will mean as much to me as it would if it were Holly's graduation. I'm so proud of who they are and who I know they'll become. I know that God has great and wild plans for them, and I'm so honored that I get to play even a small part in all of it, because I know that they are going to do big things. There's not a doubt in my mind that God is going to use them to affect people.
They are an example of why my heart will always be tied to Campbell. I originally didn't even want to go to that school, but God knew that it was exactly what I needed. It may have taken me a few years, but I found the first family I felt like I could really trust and was completely safe with. I found the people who broke all the stereotypes I held because of my scars, and when I expected them to reject me, they instead insisted on getting close to me and taking me in. That campus will forever hold some of my dearest memories and spots that will stick in my mind holding stories that I cherish. I can't imagine what my life would look like now if I hadn't met my boys, especially Reafe and Ricky, and I'm so glad I don't have to know, because they have changed my life impermeably and forever. They're too humble to admit how wonderful they are or what a gift they are to me, but I'll keep saying it because my gratitude for and awe of them hasn't been diminished one bit. Campbell will always be not just my alma mater, but also the place where I met my best friends.
These two are also a prime example of why I can never regret my friendship with Ryann. I did initially because I was so hurt, but the truth is that while she may have caused me a great deal of pain in the end, it was because of her that I got to know these boys. Because I knew her, she took me to lunch the day that I initially met Bryce. Because I met Bryce, I knew who he was when I randomly went to the soccer game with Paige. Because I was at the game, I was in the parking lot to run into him after the game where he called me his good luck charm and asked me to come back. And it was because I came back that he invited me to the after-game meals and he introduced me/I introduced myself to the boys. So yeah, I will always be grateful I was friends with her because I now have these guys whose loyalty to me I can't ever question.
I am more than ready to go back to Campbell in a month (a month from tomorrow, actually!), but I already know that it's going to be really, really weird to see the other boys and not have Reafe and Ricky there. I know that leaving is what they have to do and what is best for them, but with them both being from other countries, I selfishly wish they'd still be there, because it's scary not knowing when you'll be reunited with two people that you love more than you can put into words. I'm thankful that God showered His grace upon us so that we could form this bond to begin with, and I have faith that God will bring us back together one day sooner than I expect. I also know that the bond we have is one that will outlast time and distance.
But that doesn't mean I'm not sad. I remember how I felt when I saw them for the last time before I graduated, but then at least I knew I'd be able to come back to visit. And when I saw them last January, I didn't realize they were graduating now; I thought they'd be graduating in May and I would get one more visit with them. So I didn't know that that time was my last. So I'm sad. Sad that I didn't treasure those goodbye hugs enough to last me for who-knows-how-long; y'all know what hugs mean to me. Sad that I didn't know just how big of a deal saying goodbye really was last time. Sad that I didn't have as much time as I thought I did. Sad that things are going to be very different when I visit this time.
Sigh. This is what happens in life, I guess. People grow up and you move apart and your best friends stop being minutes away. Some friendships will outlast the changes. But some won't, and that's the scary part. I don't want to lose any of these guys. But one thing I know is that God has proven His faithfulness in my friendships. He has brought exactly the people that I needed when I needed them and has kept the people who needed to be here in my life. He knows what is coming for me and all of the boys, and He knows where we'll be one, five, ten years from now. God knows what He's doing, of this I am sure.
Well, this post took a much more serious tone than I originally intended. Ah well, I'm choosing not to think so far in the future for now, and instead focus on tomorrow, my two incredible brothers, and the huge milestone that tomorrow is. I choose to celebrate them. They've earned it.
"Just think where you are! You're in NYC. People could only dream of living there."
This is what Jay told me when I talked to him about the loneliness I've been battling lately. It's also, frankly, what I've been telling myself a lot.
I know how lucky I am to be here, and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life in terms of schooling and figuring out the next step in my life and whatnot.
But in terms of fitting in? I just still don't feel like I belong here.
The only people I can really consider my friends at all are the people at church, but I really don't talk to them at all outside of Sundays, let alone see them. I never see Holly anymore, and the people in my classes are friendly in class, but everyone just rushes off as soon as it's over so there's no opportunity to talk. Because this is life in the city. Everyone is on the move all the time.
I do love my church, though. They are a family. They are the first church that I've really had good experiences at/with (Theater Church, looking back, was not a healthy place for me to be). I wouldn't have made it through this past year without them. And I am so, so glad I found them and am with them as a part of this church community.
But NC, Campbell, that's still where my heart says I belong. That's what I think when I say the word "home," which is why I tweeted this to Isaiah last night.
@izzyest21 Your #1 will be coming home where she belongs! Even if only for a few days.
Because in my gut, that's what it feels like. Even though my life and my mood have drastically improved over the past few weeks, I still can't wait to get home. I can't wait to have girl time with Summer, and see Nicole's house, and laugh with my boys again. I can't wait to give them the hugs that are long overdue. I can't wait to be surrounded by their infectious personalities and get that everything-is-right-in-the-world feeling that I seem to only get when I'm with them.
That tiny little campus out in what seemed like the middle of nowhere, that was the first place that ever felt completely safe for me. There wasn't anywhere close to the drama I had to deal with in Swansboro, and I met so many people that, when I did have problems, I knew would have my back without a second thought, people who are still with me even when we're so far apart.
I guess I'm just tired of being so far away from everything and everyone that makes sense to me. From the people who know me in my bones and that I have security with. It's like as soon as I found those people, and I found that security, I had to leave. And even though I know I still have that tight bond with several of them, it's just not the same. I can't get hugs from them when I'm sad, and I can't hug them and be right there with them when they need me. I hear their voices on the phone or see their faces on FaceTime, and it simultaneously makes me so happy because it reminds me of the authentic friendships that I have but it also makes my heart hurt because it reminds me that 530 miles is a lot and I can't get back there until January, and when I do, it'll only be a few days before I have to leave again and go through that heartache of remembering what I'm leaving behind all over again, just like I did this past January. Once a year for the people who know you the best and love you the most is just not enough.
So yeah, my heart is torn between here, the city I've always dreamed of living in and know is where I'm supposed to be, and there, the place that makes me feel safe and secure and has all the people that make everything seem okay and make me feel like I can conquer the world.
But is there really anything I can do? I don't have the money to go back early.
So all I can do is just suck it up and grow up and learn to deal with it. I'm not a real big fan of that answer, but it's all I've got.
Wednesday night, I got to FaceTime with Tunji for about 40 minutes. He was hanging out with a guy who only joined the team last year, so I'd never met him, but when I heard him speak and asked Tunji who it was, he flipped the phone around to introduce us.
Tunji told him, "This is Mal, the famous Mal. She's like the den mother to the team."
In the moment, not really thinking about the term, all I said back was a joking, "I am not old enough to be your mother!"
But later after we got off the phone, I started thinking about what he said, and I decided to look up the definition of a den mother. Here's what I found.
den mother: a woman who serves in a supportive, adviser, or protective role for a group of people
Um yep. I take it back. You can call me those boys' den mother all day any day.
So yeah. I updated my social media bios last night.
What do you think - should I start referring to them as my cubs? ;)
Growing up, I always wanted a brother. You can probably chalk that up to the whole living with two sisters I didn't exactly like thing. Either way, having a brother was something I often dreamed about, and honestly wondered a few times if my parents had had the fourth kid my mom wanted but my dad said no to I would've gotten one. (God only knows what life would have been like if I'd had a third sister!)
I did see Matt as my brother at first...then I thought I fell in love with him and spent about six years convinced I was in love with him...then I realized that that was nuts and he was perfect as my big brother because, let's face it, we'd kill each other if we had ever tried to be anything else. Thirteen years later, and we both know we're stuck together for good.
Then came Paddy. The guy who started out as my "host brother" turned into my real brother within days. We only spent ten days together, but four years later, we were reunited, and if we hadn't known it before, that weekend together solidified the fact that we were family. We still are.
And as if that wasn't enough, five years later, I joined a class of 15 strange boys to run a Twitter account. I was terrified of them for weeks, unable to wrap my head around the fact that they weren't like the others, that they were good and genuine and loved me, and before long, I realized that those guys had become my family, too. Throughout that semester, I couldn't even try to pretend that they weren't brothers to me. They strengthened my faith and carried me through an incredibly rough semester. And over the two years since then, two of those stranger boys became two of my best friends.
The same week I joined that class and met those brothers, I went to a soccer game with some friends, accidentally ran into a player who surprisingly remembered me and convinced me to come back, and, before long, I unexpectedly fell into a whole new family. The boys I never thought would want to spend time with me, let alone love me, and subsequently spent a long time trying to understand why they did, let me into their family when they really didn't have to. I could have been just another fan to them, and that would've been normal, but instead, the more games I went to, the more boys I met, the more I became integrated into the group. I learned I'd been adopted as their sister when I didn't expect that at all, and a year later, I learned they knew I was their sister long before they even told me. These are the boys who took time out of their hectic schedules to come be my bodyguards just so I would feel safe, even when it turned out to be pointless. Into the second soccer season since I graduated, and they still call me their #1, and I still have the ball sitting on my desk to remind me every single day of the rowdy boys who took me in and made me feel special and important just by the way they loved me.
I wanted one brother. Today, I have about 30. Funny how things work out, isn't it?
It's that last set that I'm particularly thankful for lately. My nerves over the biopsy coming next week seem to only be getting stronger the closer I get to the procedure date. And those nerves have taken the loneliness I was already feeling and multiplied it. Not only am I really hating being so far away from Campbell because of what is going on with my friend, I would give anything to get back to my soccer boys and get their hugs and be surrounded by their infectious personalities that carried me through so much during my senior year.
But despite this ache of longing, I am so, so grateful and aware of the fact that it is an incredible blessing to have them. Because despite the great distance that lies between us, I have gotten so many messages of love from them because of what is going on that I know that they are with me every step of the way. They won't let me forget it. In this aspect, it's as if nothing has changed. The bond that we have, the family that we built, is stronger than a move. I don't have to tell them that I've got their back and will always support them, because they already know it. And I have always known and felt those boys cheering me on through this whole grad school experience, but it's been taken to a whole new level with this current situation when I see the way they so openly and freely let me know how much they love me. It's often said that guys, especially ones this age, aren't open about their feelings and emotions, probably because it's seen as not masculine, but it's like these boys will do whatever they have to to not let me forget for a second that I am so, so very loved by them. I have told them time and time again that they don't understand the extent of what they did for me in my senior year or how they changed me for the better, and I feel like I'm experiencing that all over again.
Some of my boys will be graduating in December, which is heartbreaking because I didn't realize or learn it until recently and until then had thought I'd get a chance to see them one last time when I visit in January, but I know we'll see each other again one day. And the boys that will still be there? Well, let's just say I've warned them all to be expecting massive tackles because I absolutely cannot wait to get to hug them again. And the best part is that they've all said they can't wait for it. :)
It's really comforting to know you have people that not only would you do absolutely anything for, but who would do absolutely anything for you, as well. We've got each other's backs for life, and I wouldn't have it any other way, because frankly, I can't imagine not having them now.
That team of rowdy soccer boys mean the world to me. I still feel so totally honored to be their sister.
They're my boys, it's pretty simple, and I think I love them even more now than I did then. And I think that is really, really freaking cool.
Google Maps says there is 528 miles between my apartment and Main Street on Campbell's campus (I know, not as far as I thought, but still pretty freakin' far), and my boys still call me their number one supporter.
Some of them even act surprised that I still show them this much love from so far away, which I find a bit hilarious because, well, family over everything, and I still love them as much now as I did then.
Tonight's game was...intense to say the least. The first half was honestly a bit boring, ending scoreless. Then, within 15 minutes into the second half, it was 3-1, with two goals by one of our freshmen and one by our star Brad. Unfortunately, our opponent got up to 3-3, the last one off a penalty kick that I'm not sure I agree with, so we went to overtime. Golden goal. That makes me anxious beyond belief.
First overtime, meh. Some good shots but nothing went through.
Second overtime, some really close shots on both sides, but both goalies, especially my buddy Matt, worked their tails off. It wasn't until we got a PK with 2:35 left to play that things got fun. And Brad, or as I like to call him - Brad the Beast, won the game. Ah, PKs, they can be such a blessing and such a curse, as evidenced by this game tonight.
I've basically spent all week in bed because of this migraine, not even able to make it to class yesterday (yeah, I know), but today I was finally feeling better, despite only sleeping two hours last night. After eating breakfast, I went to the pharmacy to pick up meds, then despite calling ahead to make sure their photo equipment worked, when I got there it was down, so I had to walk two extra blocks to another pharmacy to print some photos, then I went to the post office to mail some stuff, then I came back. 8 avenue blocks and 2 street blocks in 80 degree weather? That was more walking in one excursion then I've done in probably the past two weeks combined. The good news is that, after I ate lunch, that exhaustion was enough for me to fall asleep for several hours until the game.
I also finally got back to work on the Anima videos this morning. I hate that it took me so long, but Jon totally understood that my health was a mess and I had a rough year. He even said it was "an incredible blessing" that I would make time for this, but I told him this was my attempt at saying thank you for the gift he and his videos have been in my life over the past two years. Hopefully I'll continue to get more done slowly in my spare time.
So I'm really happy tonight. I'm finally beginning to feel better. I got a gift in the mail. I got to get back to work helping my friends. And I got to watch my boys pull out a very close win and support them even from so far away. What more could I ask for?
I've been feeling really lonely the past week or so. I'm not really sure what set it off, but I've just really been missing my CU fam, Clayton, Summer, Austin, my soccer boys, something fierce.
One of my friends here in the city told me that it's normal, that it's just part of living here, and I believe him, but that doesn't exactly make me feel better.
Because of that loneliness, I've been reaching out to my old friends, trying to reconnect with that feeling of family, in hopes that it will ease up and I'll stop feeling like I'm being swallowed by ocean waves.
Summer and I have been texting every day in the past couple of weeks (our quickly growing love for One Direction brought us much closer together) which definitely helps.
Austin called me last night despite being practically half asleep his brain was so exhausted because I had texted him so he knew I needed to hear a friendly voice.
Clayton was there on Monday when I started crying to tell me that it was okay to be upset even if I didn't know what brought it on and remind me that I'm never truly alone.
And Tunji, oh dear Tunji. Now, I think a big part of this coming on is that the soccer season has started for this fall, so yet again, I am not back with my boys, and yet again I will not be able to go down for a game, but you can be sure that I will be going in January before I fly back here after Christmas. I've always known Tunji loves me - he is easily one of my biggest protectors and closest brothers out of that squad - but he's never been one to express it in great detail. Well, in the past few days, we've been texting and he's made it clear multiple times that he can't wait to see me again, and how much he really loves and misses me. And everyone who knows me knows I am a words of affirmation girl, so to hear everything he's been saying makes me feel so good. And it's such a sweet reminder that I may be 600 miles away, but those boys still consider me their sister as much as they did when I was still at CU. I seriously cannot wait to go back and tackle him and Reafe and Ricky with big hugs.
I still feel lonely, but I also feel really, really thankful. That I have people like this, and that they love me like they do. One of the things I've been working through in therapy in the past few months is learning how to believe that I deserve the love these guys have given me so freely right from the start. And I'm finally starting to get it (baby steps), and it's at least partially due to the fact that I see how beautiful these friendships still are even when I'm all the way up here in NYC. While distance gave Ryann an easy out in cutting her ties with me, all of these people and relationships have proven that you can still have close friends over great distance. Because I'd be lost without every single one of them.
Writing this post reminds me of how, when I was back there in January, when Tunji saw a friend of his in the Student Center and she asked what was up, he immediately exclaimed, "My sister's in town!" Or how Isaiah told me, "I think we knew you were our sister pretty early on. We just had to let you in on the secret." They called me family before I even knew or realized they did.
So yeah, it sucks that I'm not there in person to hug them and hang out with them and cheer them on at their games, but the love is still as real as it ever was. Someone recently told me that I'm "too attached" to them and that I was "wasting my time" cheering them on when their season isn't going very well so far, and all I could tell them was they are my boys, my brothers, and I will love and support them forever, because that's what family does. I can't wait to book my ticket for Christmas, because then I'll know exactly how long I have to count down until some serious brother hugs.
Until then, thank God for wifi and live streams. That's all I'm saying.
The latest Anima video is called "F is for Faith", and it goes through every letter of the alphabet talking about God, faith, and being a Christian. You should watch it. It's good. (But really, all their videos are good, so that doesn't say much. But seriously, you should watch it.)
Jon asked, "What are your letters?" and as soon as I finished the video, I sat down and started writing pieces of this post. So Jon and friends, here are my letters. These are the letters that, to me, represent my life and my story.
A is for Aware. For the fact that even when I wasn't aware that God cared, He was aware of me. He was aware of my pain, of my struggles, of my fears. Even today when I'm not aware that's He's moving, He's aware of that, and constantly coming up with new ways to make Himself, His love, and His presence known to me.
B is for Breakdown. For the breakdown I had when everything changed in my life. The walls broke down and I finally accepted the love I'd been running from for more than a decade. The moments when I've been breaking down, God has sent people to come alongside me and show me that I don't have to hide it or do it alone. There are people who care...and a God whose heart breaks with every tear that I shed.
C is for Campbell. For the school I fought for my life to get to. The school that, by the time I did get there, I wasn't too thrilled about because I didn't want to be surrounded by talk of a God I thought had just spent months torturing me. The school who led me to meet a band that would change my life. The school where I found my best friend, my sister. The school where I found two sets of rowdy brothers, one who taught me that there are still Christians who can love you without ulterior motives, and the other who taught me that my self-image is not how others see me and I don't have to try to fit in to be loved.
D is for Dare. For every time God has dared me to move. To step outside my comfort zone and trust that even though what I'm being asked to do terrifies me, it will lead me to something far better than I could get without it. Like telling my story for the first time. Or joining a class of guys to run a Twitter account. Or talk to someone new. Accepting these dares to move leads to far greater happiness than I'd have had without doing so.
E is for Enough. For the reminder that I am enough. I am enough for God. I don't have to change. Or try to get rid of my issues. Or apologize for the thousandth time. Or get "better." He loves me. Right now. No conditions. As long as I surrender, that's enough. And God is enough for me. That's all the love I need to get through.
F is for Forgiveness. For the lessons I'm learning about forgiving myself the way God already has. For letting go of the past. For trusting that when my loved ones say they've forgiven me for a mistake, they mean it, and I don't have to keep apologizing to them.
G is for Grace. For the grace I need to get by. For the grace I'm still learning to show myself when I feel like I'm getting everything wrong. For the grace that puts life back in my bones when I don't want to move.
H is for Healing. For the healing I found in Jesus' sacrifice. For the healing I found in the water in that church in Nashville. For the physical healing I'm still waiting on, though I know I may not get it this side of heaven. For the emotional healing in my life during my college years. For the promise of healing yet to come.
I is for Imagine. For "Him who is able to do more than all we ask or imagine." For the knowledge that I never could have imagined my life would turn out this good. I can imagine where I want my life to go from here, but I can't begin to predict what He has in store for me. And for the trust that it takes to accept that what He gives me will be the best, even if it's not what I imagine or plan on.
J is for Joy. For the happiness that can only be found out of this world, not in earthly circumstances. For the joy the people I love tell me I exude to others even when I don't realize I'm doing something special. For the joy that I feel when I know that I'm helping people. For the joy that comes in knowing that when I don't know what's coming next, I know that I'm taken care of.
K is for Know. For the chance to know what real love looks like. For the reminder that even when I don't feel God, even when I don't know what He's doing or how I'm going to make it through a struggle in my life, I know that God is good and He loves me. For the fact that what I know isn't based on my fluctuating emotions. It just is.
L is for Loss. For the loss of my dad, my first struggle of faith and trust in God. For the loss of my old identity, something that nearly broke me but ended up being exactly what I needed. For the loss of relationships I fought to hold on to, when God knew He needed to take them in order to make me better.
M is for Music. For the songs that I've sung to God through tears, when I wasn't even sure how much I believed what I was singing. For the songs I've sung to feel close to God. For the songs I've sung when I didn't know how to put the cries of my heart into my own words. For the songs I've sung when I've been so happy music seemed like the proper response to that much joy.
N is for New York. For a new chapter. For taking me out of my bubble. For letting me find out who I am and what I'm capable of when I'm uncomfortable. For new friends, new love, new experiences, and new places that have already taught me so many things.
O is for Ocean. For all the times I've stood on the beach looking out at the water and wondered how the God of the universe could really care about the details of my life when I'm so small. For the reminder that the God who makes the ocean waves crash knows me intimately and His love and grace for me goes deeper than the bottom of the sea. And for the ocean of life I've often felt like I was drowning in, because that drowning feeling is what has drawn me closer to the only one who could pull me out.
P is for Push. For the God who never pushed to get me to open my eyes; He was just there, waiting for me to be ready to change and to accept what He had for me. And for the friends who pushed into my life, who pushed to love me when I was terrified and fought to keep up the walls I'd grown so accustomed to.
Q is for Question. For every question I've been afraid to ask. And for the lesson I have to learn again every day that the God who died for me isn't afraid of me asking questions and grappling with the hard answers.
R is for Redemption. For the story of redemption I've been given. For the God that I serve who is in the business of redemption. For all the pain and confusion and tears and frustration that have been redeemed more beautifully than I could have ever imagined. This was the first letter I thought of, one that popped into my head before I even got to the second half of the Anima video and heard Jon mention it in his R, too.
S is for Sanctuary. For the worship service (of the same name) in Nashville, the one I went to that I thought was just a chance to hear good music and hang out with two of my best friends, and instead ended up being the place where everything changed. For the first Christian community that ever felt like home, the first one where I ever felt truly accepted. For the sanctuary I found at Campbell. And for the sanctuary I find in God when I am in desperate need of rest.
T is for Trust. For the trust I'm still building. For the trust I have to focus in on when I'm scared or angry or hurt. And for the trust I'm thankful to be able to place in a God who created everything from the sun to the trees to the ants on the ground.
U is for Unusual. For my unusual life and my unusual story and the magnificently unusual God that I love and gave my life to.
V is for Vespers. For the band who led me back to God after so many years of running as far away as I could. Who never evangelized the way I'd grown up around, and instead loved me just as I was and took me in and waited until I was ready, answering questions as I asked them. Who was there on the biggest night of my life and celebrated it as their own joy.
W is for Welcome. For being welcome in the arms of God no matter what I've done. For being welcomed by strangers that beautiful night in Nashville. For being welcomed in by people I never thought would be my friends, who love me as I am without question, and who show me Jesus every day just by the way they love me.
X is for Xerox. For the God I know who doesn't make copies. We are all unique. Each made with a very specific story and a very specific purpose. And for the reminder that nothing about me is a mistake, that it's better and so freeing to be myself, instead of wasting energy trying to avoid being the Mal that God intentionally created to be different from others.
Y is for Yearn. For the yearning I feel to know God better and closer. For my yearning to be more like God. For my yearning to be more of the Mal God created me to be. For my yearning to please Him. And for the yearning I feel He must have had for all those years when He was waiting for me to come home.
Z is for Zeal. For the zeal I have for sharing my story. For a zeal for making connections and getting to know people and their stories, too. For the passion I feel deep in my soul for helping people through their troubles. For the constant burning desire I have to be there for the people I love, no matter what is going on in my life. And for the outrageous excitement that gets me fired up when I think about how good God really is and everything He did for me that I could never earn or deserve. That zeal is why I do what I do.
Jon and the Anima crew have been such a sweet encouragement for me and my blog, telling me to keep writing and sharing my posts inspired by their videos. I sure have a lot to be thankful for with them, and that's only a small part of the reason why I so passionately share and talk about their videos. This one was probably the most time-consuming for me to write, but I loved every second of it.
I love New York City so very much, but man, today, I really wish it wasn't so far away, because the idea of getting back on a plane and going far away from all the people I've seen in the past 48 hours made me cry when I got in the shower tonight.
Today was so good. SO good. I got to see everyone that I wanted to. Turns out, when you're only on campus for 72 hours and then you're going back to being 600 miles and about 12 hours away, people will rearrange anything they can to make time to see you. And luckily for me, 6 of them decided to come in two groups of three, which made my day much easier than I expected it to be.
I got up at 10:00 and sort of just relaxed for a bit and then got ready and went and ate lunch at Chick-Fil-A.
My first stop was Dr. Mero, and I talked to him for like an hour.
Then it was Dr. Stanke, and I talked to her for about half an hour before students started really needing her, but hey, it was her office hour, so I got out of there.
After that, I went over to the Student Center and hung out. The plan was to see Mitch from Reformation at 3:20 when he got out of class, then Reafe, Tunji, and Isaiah at 4:00, and then Ricky, Nicole, and Scooter at 7:00. The nice thing was they all agreed to meet me there, so once I was there, I knew I didn't have to go anywhere for quite some time. I thought I would have plenty of time to kill throughout the afternoon. It didn't work out like that. Ha!
I worked as I was waiting for Mitch, but then Reafe found me. It turned out he was there early because he's got some injury so he couldn't be at fitness with Tunji and Isaiah. Of course, I got up and gave him a huge hug, but then I was like "Umm, I'm actually waiting for someone else right now. This is why I planned for you at 4:00." Ha, good thing he already knows and loves me, Type A weirdness and all. But he talked to me until Mitch got there and then he went back into the other room where he'd been before. I spent about half an hour with Mitch, and it was really nice to see him. It seems like we're both doing a lot better now than we were last year, and so it was cool just to talk about how far we've both come.
He left about 3:50 and then I went over and joined Reafe at his table. Tunji and Isaiah actually didn't get there until close to 4:30, so Reafe and I had a good bit of time to talk by ourselves. This guy...he's the kind of character that he just pretends to be so hard and serious all the time, but when you get to know him, he's actually quite introspective and loving.
The other two got there, and we sat just talking and goofing off for a bit until Reafe had to get to work just before 5:00. Tunji and Isaiah were supposed to have class at 6:00, but it got canceled tonight because of an ice storm that is supposed to hit right about now (so far, my plane is still on time tomorrow night at it's supposed to warm back up by late morning - fingers crossed it stays that way so I can get home!) so they actually stayed there and we hung out talking about everything and nothing until almost 7:00. It was absolutely perfect. I knew I missed hanging out with them, but I didn't realize just how badly I missed it until I got to do it again tonight. I don't remember the last time I smiled that hard or laughed that much in such a short amount of time.
(Isaiah really is very dark in person, so it's hard to get a good picture with him. He hates taking pictures anyway, but my brothers will put up with just about anything for me. :)
Since Tunji and Isaiah stayed there so long, it wasn't even ten minutes before Ricky and Nicole got there, and then Scooter about ten minutes after them. We ate dinner and talked for a little over an hour before they all had to go, and by that point I was beat, too. But while we were there they asked me all sorts of questions about life in New York and I told them different stories, some even about my first roommate experience, and the ensuing conversations just had us all rolling with laughter.
(My shirt is not that blindingly electric to look at in person. The lighting is bad in there, but the flash wasn't on. It's weird.)
Ricky and Nicole offered, well more like Ricky insisted because it's so cold and he is Mr. Protective, to give me a ride back, which I gladly accepted. When we got back to my friends' apartment building, Ricky insisted on carrying my laptop and walking me all the way up to the third floor. We were talking and before I knocked on the door, he told me something big that is going on in his life, and I asked him if I could pray for him right then, and he said yes, so I prayed for him right there in the freezing cold. There is no feeling like the one I get when I am able to pray with and over people, especially the ones I love, and I was honored that he let me.
Then I came in, collapsed in exhaustion, took a shower, and hung out with the girls for a little while until they all went to bed. It's taken me way longer to write this post than it should have because I've been jamming out to Glee music from this past Friday.
I couldn't have asked for really anything more out of today and yesterday, except for maybe remembering to take pictures with everyone else. I got to see everyone that I had intentions of seeing when I got here and even had a couple surprises thrown in. And also, when people graduate and move, things are inevitably going to change, and so I was honestly a bit curious if things would be different when I was back and me and my friends were together in person again. It was so cool to see that for every single one of them, it was like no time had passed at all. I'm still me. Tunji saw a girl tonight while we were hanging out and she asked what was up and he immediately said "My sister's in town!" and pointed at me. Isaiah, when talking about the incident back in April when a whole group of them showed up to act as my bodyguards, said "We gotta protect our sister. We didn't think twice about it. We never will." Even Martinez, whom I really wasn't all that close to, called me his sister last night and told me he loved me when he walked me out and helped me down the stairs.
But seriously y'all, those four boys in the pictures, Reafe, Tunji, Isaiah, and Ricky, my brothers, my goon squad as I was affectionately calling them today, I can't even begin to adequately describe what they mean to me and how happy today made me getting to be reunited with them, even if it was only for a few hours. The bond that I have with them, it's one that I can't even begin to explain how it happened. It just did. I would do absolutely anything for them, just like I know they'd drop anything for me in a heartbeat. They make me feel special, and important, and like they're the lucky ones that I choose to hang out with them, and it's just mind-boggling to be in this position. They're some of the biggest goofballs I've ever met but take their friendships very, very seriously. They make me better, and Reafe and Ricky are constantly pushing me to grow in my faith and trust God more. I couldn't ask for better guys to call me their sister.
So yeah, I may be getting back on a plane tomorrow to go back to New York, without the slightest clue of when I'll see any of my brothers again, but I'm choosing to look at it as a blessing that I have so much love in my life that I have people I will miss and who will miss me so much. Because this was something that, for a long time, I truly didn't know would ever happen for me, and all of my Campbell family, but those four boys in particular, are such a sweet picture of how big God's redemptive powers can be.
You know it's a really good day for me when I'm so busy living it that I forget to take pictures.
Today was so, so good. Incredibly surreal, and very long, but so good and so sweet.
I got up at 8:00 and got ready, and then at 9:00 I went down the street to a coffee shop and met Josh, one of my Reformation brothers and hung out with him until he had to get to class at 10:00.
I listened to music for a bit and started some more work on my paper.
Then Austin came and met me at 11:00 and we went to Campus Grill for lunch. I was so, so excited to see him and just talk. We really didn't talk that much in the fall semester because life is just so busy and distance is hard, so it was nice to be together again and feel like nothing had changed. He wants to see me again tomorrow so hopefully we can work that out.
By the time we left, it was pouring rain. Thankfully I had thought to carry my laptop in a couple plastic grocery bags today simply because it would be easier (I had no idea it was supposed to rain today because I totally forgot to check the weather or even bring an umbrella to NC), so between holding it under my zipped up hoodie and the two layers of plastic, it was safe from the water. Austin had to get to class at 12:00, and I went over to D Rich to see professors. It was so crazy walking back in that building. As I walked down the hall to get to the elevator, I saw that Dr. Schroeder was in his office, so I stopped in and talked to him for a few minutes. Then I went upstairs to see Dr. Thornton, whom I had planned to meet at 12:15, but he understood I got distracted. I ended up sitting there talking to him for an hour and a half about NYU and the program and my classes and how well I felt like Campbell prepared me both academically and as a person and the State/Duke game and just life in general and it was awesome. He told me he wished that I would still be here on Thursday because he would love me to come speak to his newest Seminar class. Because apparently I'm a success story. At least that's what he said, along with that I am breaking new ground by making Campbell's name known at NYU's IR program. That was flattering.
Just before 2:00, he mentioned that I should go see Dr. Steegar. I thought Dr. Steegar had fully retired and was planning on calling him on his cell phone just to see if he was in the area (since he likes to travel so much), but as it turns out, he only partially retired and is still teaching two regular classes and two independent studies on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Because only Dr. Steegar thinks part-time teaching is four classes. So Dr. Thornton looked it up and saw that he had just gotten out of class and I knew that if he'd just gotten out, he'd be in his office for at least the next hour, so I went and ambushed him. His face was priceless. :) I talked to him until one of his independent studies started at 3:00.
Then, I went to Chick-Fil-A and relaxed/worked for a few hours because of the three girls I'm staying with, I didn't have two of their numbers and I knew the third wouldn't be home until 6:30, so I didn't want to walk all the way here and then be stuck out in the cold. I also made some phone calls to get some doctor appointments set up, namely a primary care visit Thursday afternoon.
A little after 6:00, I headed back to the apartment. It took me a while to get here because of my breathing mixed with holding the laptop under my sweatshirt while walking in the wind and rain. I sat down and caught my breath for a few minutes and then Meredith, one of the girls I'm staying with, drove me about a mile and a half away to go visit one of the soccer boys who is sick and can't really leave his house right now. It didn't even occur to me that he would be living with two other soccer boys, so I got three for the price of one. :p So yeah, I visited them for about fifteen minutes, and then Meredith drove me back, stopping by the Student Center so I could get some dinner to go.
When we got back, I ate and then we plus Hannah and one of her friends watched The Bachelor. I'd forgotten what a train wreck that show is...or how awkward it is when you read spoilers and know how it ends and your three friends take it very seriously. Ha!
After that, I watched Oregon get their butts kicked by Ohio State. And now I'm going to bed and getting ready to do it all again tomorrow. There are 8 people and 2 professors who asked to see me tomorrow instead of today. So it's gonna be a busy one.
This is my friend Gabe. I was in bed most of the day with a migraine, but this afternoon, I got on Twitter to see messages of prayers pouring out for him. I quickly found out that he was in a serious car accident last night while driving back from Texas to visit his brother. A drunk driver crossed the center lane and crashed into Gabe's car head-on as he drove with his sister Lydia back from Texas where they visited their brother. Lydia was killed instantly, Gabe was in critical condition, and a five-year-old in the drunk driver's truck had serious injuries.
I immediately felt like I was going to throw up. I was honestly surprised at first at how scared and sick the news made me feel, but then I began to think of memories that involved Gabe. How he almost cried when I told him about my dad. The dinner we had at Chick-Fil-A where he just sat and listened to me and gave me some advice and we got to know each other better. How he helped me move out at the end of a semester. How we were so quickly able to restore our friendship once we were on the other side of the drama. And I felt like a complete ass for all the times we had fought over stupid club drama and politics and all of these things that mean nothing anymore. All I could was pray that he would make it, so I could have the chance to make sure he knew how much I truly do respect and care about him. Praise the Lord that his longtime girlfriend posted on Facebook a few hours ago and said that he's going to make it.
Everyone knows the phrase "peace that passes all understanding," but tonight, I realized that you need that kind of peace the most when you're facing a situation that is beyond understanding. I don't understand one speck of this, how Gabe and his family could be facing such a scary and difficult journey when he did nothing wrong driving that car, how a man could put so many innocent people in danger, especially the child in the truck with him, why Gabe and his sister were right there at that exact second and so it was them that man hit instead of someone else. How Gabe's family could have to balance being with Gabe in a hospital so far from home while simultaneously planning their daughter and sister's funeral. There are no words for this.
Even now, now that I know it looks like he's going to be okay (eventually), all I can think is that I so desperately wish I could go visit him and tell him in person just how much I really do treasure him. But obviously, that's not an option, so what is left?
I will pray.
I will pray for his full healing, so those around him can experience all that is Gabe and the way that he can light up people's lives with his goofy sense of humor.
I will pray for his heart and mind, that he will not be wrecked by guilt when his sister's death fully hits him when he is conscious, that he will still be able to one day go back to law school.
I will pray for his parents and family, as they balance their grief over losing Lydia and their need to support and care for Gabe, and as they plan a funeral hundreds of miles from home.
I will pray for his girlfriend, that she will also have peace and rest knowing that he will make it through.
I will pray for the child in the other vehicle, that she will also make a full recovery, and her family as they walk through this time.
But also, I will pray for James, the man who made an awful decision that has irrevocably changed numerous lives. As much anger as those who know Gabe and his family may feel right now, no matter how justified that anger is, we must remember that James is no less deserving of a Savior than we are. I will pray for him, that he will learn from this tragic mistake and seek forgiveness for the damage he has caused. It's really been on my heart lately in many situations that I need to pray for people even when I don't want to, and this situation definitely fits that. I am just as broken as James, and I must extend the same grace that I seek for myself.
The one good thing I've seen today is how the Campbell family has rallied around one of our own. I've repeatedly looked at Gabe's Facebook checking for updates, and it is flooded with messages of support and love. Even when this world seems to be at its darkest, there is still so much good out there. We can't do anything to change what has happened, but we can pray, and sometimes that is the best tool we have.
It would really mean a lot to me, as I know it would to all who know and love Gabe and his family, if you would join me in praying for those grieving in the aftermath of this awful incident.
I had a dream last night that I was back with all of my soccer boys. Reafe, Ricky, Tunji, Bryce, Scooter, the two Matts, Jhuvy, Isaiah, Aleksi, and Chirag. It was a long dream. I remember in one part we were out in, like, an outdoor mall type place together, and I was coming out of some shop with Ricky and some strangers started harassing me, and immediately the rest of them jumped up and some of them whisked me away and the others stood there being the protective brothers I know them to be. And then, we were all having dinner together, laughing and joking and they kept saying things that just made me feel like the most important girl in the world. And we were all teasing each other like we did so often last year. I remember feeling like I couldn't be happier.
And then I woke up. And all day I've just had this feeling that I really want to get back to that. That feeling of belonging, of being with people who know me and have been with me through some hard stuff and stood by and loved me anyway. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm supposed to be where I am and I love NYC, but I often don't feel like I belong here. And while my church people have been amazing, I don't feel totally free and safe with them yet, I don't feel secure enough to turn to most of them yet.
I miss the hugs of my brothers, both from soccer and Reformation. I miss the safety I knew. I miss the way they made me feel like a queen, but still like I was such a major blessing to them. I miss the way I never had to wonder what they thought about me, or if they were telling me the truth. I miss the way they stood up for me without question or hesitation. I miss their laughter, and their uniquely weird personalities. I miss the light they brought to my life just by being there. I miss the way they trusted me and how I knew I could trust them with anything. But mostly, I just really miss their hugs.
There was a 50 minute break in me writing this post because as I was writing, I decided to text Clayton to see if he was up because talking to him always does me good. And he was. And we ended up FaceTiming for 48 minutes and it was exactly what I needed tonight. Because now I'm smiling and instead of just aching with loneliness, now I'm just so thankful that brothers like him are in my life at all.
For once, we didn't spend much time talking about deep stuff or digging into the Bible. Most of it was spent teasing each other, making weird faces at each other, and talking in strange voices. And that was exactly what the doctor ordered to get my mood up. Ryann and I always talk about how we have a sister bond and friendship that surpass time and distance, and I'm realizing now that there are several of my friends that I can say I have that bond with. And that's reason enough to smile, even when I'm lonely.
We'll be reunited one day, sooner or later. After all, what is Christmas break for? ;)
(Warning. This is just meant to state how things were, not to sound cocky. I know it might come off that way and that is not my intention.)
Okay so here's the thing.
Grade school? Piece of cake. I graduated 6th in my class despite the fact that I was pretty much never there. I did the minimal amount of reading library books required, barely read textbooks, and never studied for anything. Ever. I got two Cs in high school, one because I didn't read enough library books to get my "points" for 10th grade English and the other was .6 from being a B and was in my senior year when I didn't have a single healthy day ever...and was an AP class. So like really, it was easy.
College? I had to work, but the assignments were easy. I was always one of the smartest people in class, usually THE smartest, and never once worried about getting less than a B by the time a semester was up. There were very few textbooks that I had a hard time understanding, and it wasn't until senior year that I really ever stressed about understanding material. Professors always loved my writings (save for one awful English professor) so I never worried about comments on my technique or style. Once I got past the initial first-week panic, the only stress I had was really honestly centered around time-management (and that was my own fault).
Grad school? This is a totally different world. Now, I have classrooms full of people who are at least as smart as I am, if not smarter. Several of them have multiple master's degrees already. The work is miles above anything I've ever done requiring work and effort I'm not used to needing to put in. It's a complete shock to my system and is scaring the crap out of me.
I got my first response paper back for my History class today. I got a check minus (that's the system they're graded on, check plus check or check minus). I didn't expect that at all. Apparently I completely misunderstood the directions and wrote a reflection instead of a response paper. It took about 4.7 seconds for me to dial my mom and start crying.
Thankfully she is quite used to my panic attacks over school, so she knew exactly what to say to get me to calm down in about 10-15 minutes. This paper is only 1.5% of my grade, absolutely NOTHING to warrant the freakout I had. But I think it was just the first in-my-face proof that I am in for two years of work way beyond anything I've ever seen. And that's a hard thing to deal with for someone who's never had to truly worry about academic success before. But that doesn't mean I'm not capable of doing this program and doing well. It just means I'm going to have to get used to the major change.
But I can't change the past, can I? So I emailed both the course assistant who grades these and the professor and asked for tips/pointers on how to make my paper a reflection instead of response, and hopefully I can do better for the next one.
Tomorrow is the start of a new week. Let's hope it's better than this past one, because the universe was SO not working in my favor.
And also I am not one of those girls who can cry pretty. Just saying.
Right now, you're sitting in a hospital bed at Duke with a tube coming out of the back of your skull. The past week and a half has been a whirlwind of unexpected brain surgeries, a brush with death, blown IVs and all the other fun things that go with being stuck in a hospital, and sheer panic. You were supposed to move to Campbell five days ago, something you'd been waiting for since you got your acceptance letter because it meant a way out of Swansboro, but that plan got upended when you nearly didn't make it out of that first surgery. You're going to go, just not in the time you think it will or want it to happen.
See, by the time 2009 is over, you're going to face four more brain surgeries and three more issues that very easily could kill you. The good news is that they don't. The bad news is that you're going to be taken on a ride that no one wants to be on. And it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. You'll get to go to Campbell for a few weeks, but you'll have to leave just when life starts to feel like it's getting back to normal. It will feel very much like hell on earth, and you're going to be instantly infuriated by anyone who tries to get you not to refer to this period as such. It's okay to be angry. Just try not to take it out entirely on the people around you. Your mom would do anything, absolutely anything, to take your pain away, and it's not the doctors' fault you keep needing surgery. And the nurses, the hospital chaplains, they all mean well, they really do.
That God everyone keeps talking to you about? Hear them out. I know that you know He's real. And I know you hate Him. I get it, you have to have someone to blame for this disaster, for taking away your education, the one thing you think you're good at and good for. I wish you knew what you're really worth, because it would do so much for the ways that your heart will break over the next few months. The good news is that you eventually do give yourself to the Lord, you see Him for the ways He carries you through this period. It'll take time, but I promise that when it happens, it's going to be the best feeling in the world and you'll have an at least slightly better understanding of what you're facing now.
When you finally get out of the hospital in November (there are breaks, but not long ones, this saga won't end for another three months), you're going to be so mentally and emotionally broken from the trauma that you're going to be pretty disgusted by the idea of turning around and going to a Christian university. You're beyond ecstatic to finally get to go to Campbell and stay there, but you won't forget that you'll be surrounded by talk of God. That gets better, too. It's not as suffocating as you expect it to be.
You can't fully understand it now, but going to this Christian university will be the best thing that can happen to you. Your first college friends will be the niece of a woman your Mom works with (it's not as awkward as it sounds) and her roommates, who bring you to a Bible study. You pretty much fake your way through it, but you will appreciate these girls simply for being kind to you. The first year of your college life will mostly be spent recovering from the brain surgeries and then the foot surgeries (oh yeah, those are coming next year, but you ask for them because your feet are in so much pain), so you don't get the full college "experience" at first, but you don't care because you love just being a student there. You will meet professors who love you, pray for you, make you laugh, make you scream, and everything in between.
But even better than the academics is the friends you will make. You know how Matt has always told you that it wasn't your fault you got bullied so much, that you weren't the problem? (Speaking of Matt, you'll not be so in love with him soon enough. It'll hit you like a ton of bricks one day that all he really is meant to be is your best friend and big brother. Just wait.) And you know how no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't make yourself believe that anyone else would ever love you even close to the way he does? Well guess what - Matt was right. You are going to have more love in your life than you know what to do with before too long. You will find girls who build you up and support you through all the drama. One girl in particular will become your best friend for life, and the best part is that, in profile, she's exactly the girl who used to make your life miserable. These girls will help you find your voice. They will be everything you wish girlfriends could be. They will listen to you talk about crushes, talk to you about family drama, help you get ready for a dance, and they'll trust you enough to come to you for advice for their own lives. These girls will teach you how to love yourself the way you couldn't before.
And part of me feels like this is even cooler, you will find a group of guy friends in your senior year that you will affectionately call your brothers. You have to weed through a lot of dramatic boys and some bullying ones, too, to get to them, but when you find them, they will make it more than worth it. The way that these brothers love you will go a long way in healing the scars from the boys who abused you before. They will defend you, tease you, teach you, learn from you, appease your major penchant for pictures, give you the biggest hugs, and never let you forget that they love you. Your insecurity will make you want to question them and their sincerity, but please don't. They are not the boys from your past. When you question them anyway, they won't get mad, they won't run. They somehow instinctively understand you and will make you laugh by saying they don't know why you want to hang out with them. Bask in your friends' love. They are only a glimpse of the greater Love.
Speaking of that greater Love, remember how I told you you'll take a hold of it one day? Yeah. It'll happen. In a pretty strange way, no less. You're going to meet a band at Campbell, visiting thanks to Campbell staff, that turns everything you think you know on its head in the best possible way. (Just another reason to be thankful you were led to Campbell.) Your first conversation with them, you're going to be surprised at how different they seem. It's not that they're Christians, it's that they don't flaunt it, they don't ever preach at you. You'll see a light in them, and it won't make sense at first, all you'll know is that you want to get to know them better. And you will, both through the power of social media and your determination to go all over the state to see them in person again. You'll see them a lot. They will make it feel safe for you to ask about God and Jesus and Christianity, all the questions you brushed aside after your health trauma and the mistreatment you were dealt by Christians. They will become such an important part of your life in such a short amount of time that your mom is going to send you on a plane to go visit them. You'll think it's just for their celebration, but it turns out to be the biggest week of your life, because one night on that trip, you will surrender yourself to God and get baptized in a church of hundreds of strangers and two of your best friends. It will be a crazy story to tell, but you'll never do it without a huge smile on your face. Part of you will wish it had happened sooner, but you'll mostly just appreciate that it happened at all.
Another cool gift that comes from meeting those four kids in that band is that they will teach you not to be ashamed of your story. They will be the first people to show you what good talking about your story can do, and they will only be the spark that lights the flame of your passion for telling people about the miracles God has done in you and for you. One day, you'll get on a plane to Texas to meet a church of people who were affected by your story and wanted to meet you. (Never let it be said the internet can't do awesome things.) Over the next several months, you're not going to want to talk to anyone about the details of the trauma you face, but soon enough, you will hear what people learn from you and from it. It's going to baffle you tremendously, you'll say over and over again just how unqualified you are to teach people anything about life or God, but every time it happens, you will thank God for using you and grow more determined to tell anyone who listen about what He is capable of. Take hold of that passion and run with it.
You can't see it now, but where you are right now is not the end of your life. You're going to be taken out of these ashes and made to see yourself and your life for all the beauty within. And five years from now, you'll be sitting in your New York City apartment, having graduated Campbell with high honors, about to start chasing your dreams as you begin grad school at NYU. That seems impossible to you right now, but it's true.
As cheesy as it is, life really does get better. I'm thankful for your innate stubbornness, which will only be made stronger over the next few months, because you'll make it through. Your life will never be without medical problems, but they'll be much less complicated. You'll make it through with one heck of a story to tell and a fire for loving people that you just haven't been capable of up until now. You have so much to offer the world and the people you will meet, and soon enough, you will see just how much the world and your future have to offer you.
You'll be more than fine. You're going to be great. I promise.
I think that the exhaustion of the past week must have really caught up to me because aside from an alarm to wake up and take my morning medicine, I slept solidly for twelve straight hours and did not get out of bed until past 3 this afternoon. And now it’s only 11:30 and I’m ready to go back to bed.
All we’ve done today is watch movies. I think we needed a day of rest, the both of us. The only downside is that I’ve had to watch all movies that Holly wanted, because she doesn't like any of mine. Whatever. Only about 36 more hours without cable and wifi.
The highlight of today was when I went back up to the roof and got some shots of the skyline in the daytime. While I was up there, I ended up having a chat with Austin for about 10 minutes before he had to go to a meeting. I also called Ricky, who ended up getting in a car with Reafe and Scooter during it because they were going to some photo shoot for the team, so I also got to talk to them. Missing their season is one of the few hard things about being up here. Thankfully I have a copy of their schedule and can watch their games online. Reafe mentioned he didn’t know what they were gonna do without me at all their games this fall, but reassured me that they’d never replace me as their number one. :)
I miss my brothers so much, and it makes me nervous when I think about how long it could take me to find a safe group like I had (have) with them. But I know that I felt the same way when I was beginning at Campbell, and as Ricky has told me multiple times, he fully believes that there are people that God brought me here to meet. I will find my new family here.
But I also get to hold on to the ones back at Campbell who love me so well and changed me for the better. I moved, but I’m still their sister. The family love we fostered last year hasn’t changed a bit. All the glory goes to God for that one.
I've been having a lot of dreams lately that involve my CU brothers, both soccer boys and Reformation boys. In one way, it makes me smile because those two sets of guys are part of some dear memories. But in another way, it makes my heart ache because every time I wake up from one of those dreams I have to remember all over again that that era of my life is over and I don't know when I'll get to see any of those boys again.
Don't get me wrong, I am so unbelievably excited to be moving to New York City, so thankful that God is giving me this opportunity to not just further my education and pursue my career goals but also to live out a dream of getting to be a resident of that great city. I would do anything to make this come to fruition, and I can't wait for Mom and me to figure out exactly when I'll be moving so I can start counting down the days.
But all the excitement in the world doesn't negate the fact that change is hard. It still hasn't totally sunk in that I'm not going back to Campbell next month. That school was more than just a school, a place for me to get an education to me, it was my home, it was where I found the family I'd been waiting for my whole life.
I miss my brothers in a very unique way. I used to think that there was no part of me that Matt hadn't seen, that he didn't know, but those boys saw me in a way Matt never has. I talked to them about things I don't talk to Matt about, largely because all but a few of them are Christians. I believe that praying together bonds people, and I think that's a large part of why I feel so bonded to them. They know pieces of my heart that Matt doesn't, and there were so many days that they pulled me out of a dark place and pointed me back to Jesus.
My Reformation brothers, they helped keep my eyes on God when I felt like I was drowning in the weight of all the medical confusion this year. I've said it before, they showed me that I didn't have to try to be enough for them, they loved me mess and all. They were the hands and feet of Christ to me when I expected to be shunned, simply because that was what I'd become accustomed to. They showed me that God can use me for something bigger than myself even when I feel like I'm barely hanging on. I could talk to them about where I was with my faith and my fears and doubts, and every single time, I left seeing God more clearly. They had such steadfast faith as they walked with me throughout the craziness of the year, always willing to be there to have confidence when I felt like I was losing it. With some of them, that still happens. Those 15 crazy boys absolutely changed my life. It may sound ridiculous, but it's true.
My soccer brothers, they were a whole different kind of light. They decided they'd adopted me as part of the family before it ever occurred to me that they would see me like that. On my bad days, if they had a game, I forced myself to go if it was at all possible just so I could be around them and their energy. Just by talking to me and taking me in, having them around and knowing how much they cared about me, they did a lot to help keep me motivated, and they did it without even trying. Their friendship and loyalty to me helped encourage me to push through all the health issues, to not let myself stay feeling down on the bad days. I used to tease them that girls like me don't usually get to hang out with "the good-looking, popular, athletic boys", but they never once made me feel like I was different from them. Even when they saw me have a seizure, it didn't shake them or scare them off. I never could have dreamed how important and special they would become to me, especially not in such a short period of time.
I got to talk to Ricky for a little bit last night, because I wanted to wish him safe travels before he headed back to Panama today to visit his family. During the conversation, he mentioned that he had faith that God was going to lead people to me up there in New York City so I wouldn't be alone. He said he prayed I would find another family up there. But the most moving thing was that he said he didn't just pray for people to come to me to be my family, he prayed that God would lead me to the people I needed to impact, just as I impacted him and the team.
I never could have imagined that this last year would be better than the ones before it, simply because Ryann had left. But because of these two groups of brothers, and the stories that go along with them, this year was beyond my wildest dreams. And that's why I miss them so badly. They voluntarily went on a roller coaster with me when they could have gotten off and left anytime, I would have understood if they did, and never let go of me for a second. They were Jesus with skin on. They were my Aarons and Hurs when I was fighting so desperately to hold myself up. (And the craziest part is they'd thank me for letting them do it!) I felt a very special sense of safety any time I got the chance to be around any of them. And right about now, I'd really really love to get that back.
But I can't go back in time. And I feel very strongly that NYU is where I'm supposed to be next. I just have to pray and have faith that I find my next family up there, and believe that experiences up there that await me will change me and my life for the better, too. Nothing and no one can replace my brothers or the memories and love that we share, and I remind myself again and again that bonds like that surpass time and distance.
That doesn't mean I can't pray for a chance to go and visit them, though. :)
