There are things you don't think about when you fall in love with the wrong person.
You don't think about the danger.
You don't think about the chances of them hurting you.
You don't think about what'll happen if the whole thing crashes to the ground and you can't do anything but watch your greatest dreams crumble like an avalanche.
You don't think about the fights, and you forget about the pain, because when you fall in love, no loss can outweigh that gain.
It's all butterflies and heart eyes and racing hearts and suddenly you're not so smart, because when you fall in love, all common sense goes out the window like a bird let out of its cage.
Flaws don't matter, because your love is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. They're the greatest thing since sliced bread, but when you fall in love, you forget that even the best made bread can get stale.
When you fall in love, no one can convince you it's bad news. The whole world outside of this love gets hazy and it's not until you realize you're going crazy that you start to think maybe your friends were on to something.
Rose-colored glasses put it all in a great light, but the great light covers up the warning signs. The lines from where you are to where you will be safe get lost even though you'll eventually wish they had stood out.
When those rose-colored glasses come off, you'll start to wonder how they were ever on to begin with. You'll be stuck wishing you could turn back time, and as the heartbreak rattles in your rib cage like a prisoner in a cell, you won't see the benefits of the lessons you've learned.
When you fall in love, you think it will last forever, and when you get your heart broken, you can't imagine that burning ache in your chest ever going away.
You don't think about the possibility of things changing when you least expect them to, but the truth is that even the people you think you know best can surprise you. And when they do, it's hard to imagine that knife working its way through your chest will ever leave you. It feels like the only things that leave are the good feelings and the hopes for a future that doesn't end with you sitting on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry's wondering where it all fell to pieces.
When you fall in love, it's easy to think that this might be your happily ever after. You hear their laughter and think "I could listen to this for the rest of my life." You don't think about what you'll do if you're wrong and the good days come to an end. You don't think about what will happen if you break instead of just bend or how you'll pick yourself back up when life has to go on and people have other things to do besides help you.
When you fall in love, you don't think about what could go wrong.
You think about the feeling you get when you lay in their arms and talk all night long and how their touch makes everything seem okay even when it's not.
You think about how their eyes shine like fireworks and how just mentioning their name makes you feel like you're smiling all the way down to your soul.
You think about how their smile lights up your whole life and makes you believe that no amount of strife could ruin that giddy feeling you get in your belly when you look at them.
And for every time you're left behind to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart, you get more and more afraid and wonder if love could ever last.
But then, you find that one person who fights for you like you fight for them. That one person who sees you and loves you enough to accept you but also loves you enough to not leave you as you are. You grow to be better together than you ever were apart.
Eventually, you realize that all the mistakes you made and all the heartbreak you felt led you right where you were supposed to be. There, with them, the person you choose to love and who chooses to love you, even when it's ugly and messy and hard. And that promise for future you is enough for present you not to give up and hide away.
Jesus promises that you don't always know what's happening at the moment, but later you will understand. Your life to the fullest doesn't always look like you think it should, but have faith that he'll lead you to love far better than you can imagine.
I want to be seen without being obscene. I want to be special without being a spectacle. I want to be pretty without being promiscuous. I want to be safe without being sheltered, intelligent without being intimidating, nice without being naive, and fun without being a flirt. I want to be accepted without being expected. I want to be invited without being indicted. I want to belong without losing myself. I want to be strong without being controlling, and allowed to be weak without being a cliche. I want to be challenged without being pitied. I want to be kind without being a pushover. I want to be stylish without being spoiled, joyful without being fake, and heard without being fixed. I want to be honest without being rude. I want to be patient without being indecisive. I want to be simple without being plain, and sassy without being, well, you know... I want to question without being judged, and I want to answer without judging. I want to be loved without needing everyone to like me. I want to be funny without being told I'm not allowed to be. I want to be whole, even though, at times, I've been shattered to pieces. I want to be held without being confined. I want to be cared for without being controlled. I want to be chosen without being claimed, and I want to be clear when I say, "Enough is enough." I want to know my identity without having to adopt someone else's. I want to see myself without the filters of what everyone tells me I should be. I want to be comfortable in my own skin without feeling that I need to show it, and without feeling shamed when I don't hide enough of it. I want to feel beautiful without anyone telling me whether it's right or wrong to want that. I want to be amazing, and I want someone other than myself to remind me that I am. I want to be captivating, because that's how I was made to be. (I want to be seen without being obscene. I want to be special without being a spectacle. I want to be pretty without being promiscuous. I want to be safe without being sheltered, intelligent without being intimidating, nice without being naive, and fun without being a flirt.) I want to be seen without being obscene.
---
There's nothing like crying at 1 am because the words of a video hit you straight in the gut, is there? That's what happened to me when Jon released this last night. Why? Because this video, these words, they're exactly what I meant when I chose enough as my One Word for this year, and I didn't even realize it.
I just want to be enough. I want to be enough for people to love me. I want to be accepted just as I am without feeling like I have to try to get people to like me. That's why things worked out with my soccer boys so well; they were the first people in my life who never, not for one second, made me feel like I had to be anyone other than exactly who I was. They saw me - like, actually saw me - and without saying a word, told me that I was enough by deciding to love me when I wasn't even sure I wanted them to.
I know that. Please don't think that I don't know how much those boys love me. I do. I have a ball sitting on my desk every day to remind me that I have a whole crew of brothers with me. But after some things that have happened in the past year, there have been these voices ricocheting around inside my head trying to convince me that I wasn't enough for the people who left and that the people who are here now are going to decide I'm not enough for them, either. It's a constant battle for me to shut those thoughts down and believe that the ones who tell me they love me are telling me the truth, no matter what lies I've been told from other people. I want to believe that the way that I love people is enough, that it's not some curse dooming me to a life of those around me deciding that somehow I'm simultaneously too much to deal with and not enough to be their friend.
I want to believe that I am captivating as I was made to be and that my shattered pieces sown back together are enough to hold the relationships that I crave. I want to believe my friends when they tell me I'm amazing. I want my love for people to be enough to earn me respect without making me an easy target to be taken advantage of. I want to be seen without having to try so hard all the time. I want to believe that I am enough to be loved and accepted.
I know in my gut that I am wanted. I have people in my life who have loved me better than I could have ever imagined and taught me more about God than any church service I've ever been to. I just want to believe that I am wanted, so I can stop letting the voices of the lies I've been told gain control over my sanity. Knowing something and believing it are two very different things.
But there's something else Jon said in a previous video that actually fits perfectly here. It's from "The 4 Identity Myths":
So our decision today is: whose voice are you going to listen to? Are you going to listen to the voices of the world that are dead set on convincing you that you're not enough, or are you going to listen to the voice of God who continually tells us in His Word, through prayer, through worship, through community, and mostly through His Son Jesus, that in Him and in a relationship with Christ, He makes us enough?
Unfortunately, the world is never going to completely get it. We're broken people surrounded by other broken people who hold on tighter to the hurt than remembering what it feels like to be happy and loved, because negative voices are almost always much louder than the voices of truth.
A man's ego and pride will have him running through a red light. A woman's fears and insecurities will have her stopping at a green one. We're all so used to the bullshit and games that we don't even know how to genuinely connect with one another anymore. She got played so now she avoids getting close. He got played so now all he does is play games. We're more concerned with how we got hurt than we are with how to be happy. The only thing most are learning from the pain is more excuses. And some of us could be so great for one another if we'd just "man up" and face things. Love isn't hard. People are just difficult. - Rob Hills, Sr.
A friend of mine posted that on Facebook yesterday. Humans, we're difficult creatures. We're difficult to love people and we're difficult to let ourselves be loved. One other thing that struck me about that video last night is the variety of people featured in it. I know I'm not the only with the feelings and fears I'm talking about here. But I think we're all so ashamed and afraid of being judged that we keep this stuff to ourselves when, in reality, so many of us are just dying to hear that someone else gets it, that we're not dramatic or crazy or overreacting. Imagine the freedom that we could find if we all just stopped playing games and told the truth about what is in our heads and hearts.
I think we all want to be loved and accepted and seen as enough so desperately that we forget the truth: We are not the opinion of the people who don't know us. We are not the opinion of the people who hurt us. We are not even the opinion of the people who love us. Our worth is found in who God says we are. We are masterpieces, created in the image of a perfect Father who makes nothing less than beauty. We are sons and daughters of the King. We are princes and princesses.
We are already enough.
"The single desire that dominated my search for delight was simply to love and be loved." - St. Augustine
Feel free not to read this post. This is a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately so I need to get some thoughts out.
Somewhere along the way, we went from living in a culture that said if you had sex before marriage, you were a slut or a whore, to a culture that said if you didn't have sex before marriage, you were a religious nut or a prude.
Even long before I became a Christian, I thought that there was no way that I would have sex before marriage. And that stance stayed set in stone for years, no questions, no ifs ands or buts. I got crap from my family for it (my mom's advice was explicitly that I SHOULDN'T wait until marriage), but I saw what Holly and Chelsea did and went through and thought that there was no way I wanted to be like them.
In high school, I was so desperate to have Matt love me the way that I loved him that I offered to have sex with him. I thought that that was the only reason he didn't want to date me. He always said no. Thank God he said no. We talked about it years later, and he said something that has stuck with me ever since: "I knew I could've had sex with you if I wanted to. But I couldn't do that to you. I cared about you too much. I knew you'd hate me afterwards."
As I hit college, being surrounded by people who were always dating and sleeping with other people, that was when the questions started coming. I got older, and the real urges and desires started coming. I've had certain brothers assume that I don't have those urges and desires because I'm a virgin, so I have to sort of explain to them that my brain works the same just as everyone else in our age group, which is just...weird to me.
Since the whole thing with Matt in high school, I'd say that there are three guys that I've consciously wanted to have sex with. With two of them, luckily, the opportunity never arose because of the distance that was between us. With the third one, it very easily could have happened recently. In fact, I considered letting it happen. In came my lifesaving, glorious friends who talked some sense into me before I was truly faced with the choice in the moment. And then I saw him and realized just how bad of an idea it would really be, so I grew that much more thankful that my friends had awakened me to the truth. I always need people who are willing to call me out on my crap.
So when that video from Jeff came out, it was like a divine reminder not to give that part of myself away to a vague and broken boy whom I knew in my gut will never feel the way that I do about all of this. There was one line in this video that jumped out at me.
Do not let your body say something that you are not willing to say with the rest of your life.
Girls, we want to be wanted; it's in our very nature. But I want to be wanted for more than my body. I'm not going to say forever with my body to a boy who doesn't intend to devote himself to me any longer than the time we would spend in bed to get the temporary pleasure people biologically desire. God wants more for me than that. A king wants his princess to be treated with the respect and regard that she deserves; I should want that for myself, too.
So for now, I'm holding on to hope that one day, there will be a man, not a boy, who wants to devote forever to me, and the exploration of my sexual desires won't be a mistake. It'll play out in the way God intended for each of us.
Tonight, I made my way out to Jersey City for a certain guy's show. (Praise the Lord that I made it all the way out there in nasty weather and didn't get lost.)
Look familiar? Oh yes, that's Jon Jorgenson. This was the first night of the Anima Series tour, "A Godless Generation." He and his sweet wife Erin
are driving somewhere in the neighborhood of 10,000 miles in the month of October to do shows all around the country. I've been counting down until this show since it was announced because if there was anyone I'd go out to Jersey City in the rain to see, it's Jon. I had high hopes and was really excited all day.
Well, let me tell you something. This show was even better than I hoped it would be. Jon's videos are great stuff, but seeing him in person takes it all to a whole new level. I guess it's sort of like how CDs can never compare to hearing a band live.
There were a few poems that he did that are also videos on YouTube, but despite the fact that I could recite them pretty much word for word, I was so utterly entranced by Jon and his delivery that I couldn't think about that.
And it wasn't just spoken word poems. There were stories he told in between, some of which made me cry from laughing so hard and others that made me almost cry from being so moved. There was one story he told about the counselor who was there for him the night he got saved/became a Christian/whatever you want to call it that brought back so many memories of my baptism and the night that everything changed for me. "I realized I had always wanted God in my life. I just never realized that He wanted me, too." That line hit me straight in the heart because that was exactly how I felt.
He messed up a couple of times in the beginning, but you know, that didn't take away anything for me. It just reminded me that he's not any more special than the rest of us. It showed that he's human, too, and that the important thing is that when you stumble, that you get back up and continue on. I was really proud to see him do exactly that and not let those couple mistakes throw him off for the rest of the show. And honestly, the show is so good and attention-grabbing that I forgot about those mistakes very, very quickly. He is goofy and throws some hilarious voices in, and there's one scene about dance moves that had me rolling. My one critique (if you can call it that) is I wish that he had spoken more slowly because he sometimes spoke so quickly it was a bit hard to keep up, but I think we can mostly chalk that up to first-show nerves.
One of the biggest signs for me that I really liked something is that when it's over, I'm disappointed and wish it could have gone on longer. That was definitely the case here. I could have listened to another full hour (at least) of him speaking because he is just. that. good.
But the best part is knowing that Jon isn't doing any of this to make himself or his YouTube channel more popular. It was evident throughout the entire night that he has two goals in this tour. 1) to glorify God and show people His love in a brand new way and 2) to meet the fans, or Fanimas as Jon likes to call us, who have gotten him to where he is today in this field and who made the tour possible. He isn't just incredibly talented, every conversation I witnessed tonight shows how humble he is and how grateful he is for every single person he gets to meet.
I absolutely loved every single second of this night and was so, so grateful and honored to get to see such fantastic art and to support a guy who has done more for me (and for others, I'm sure) than he even realizes.
The rest of the show dates are listed here. All but one show is completely free, so if they are coming to your general area, I'm telling you - you need to find a way to go. Jon did an amazing job with this show, and I know that I'm going to be thinking about it for a long time.
The latest Anima video is called "F is for Faith", and it goes through every letter of the alphabet talking about God, faith, and being a Christian. You should watch it. It's good. (But really, all their videos are good, so that doesn't say much. But seriously, you should watch it.)
Jon asked, "What are your letters?" and as soon as I finished the video, I sat down and started writing pieces of this post. So Jon and friends, here are my letters. These are the letters that, to me, represent my life and my story.
A is for Aware. For the fact that even when I wasn't aware that God cared, He was aware of me. He was aware of my pain, of my struggles, of my fears. Even today when I'm not aware that's He's moving, He's aware of that, and constantly coming up with new ways to make Himself, His love, and His presence known to me.
B is for Breakdown. For the breakdown I had when everything changed in my life. The walls broke down and I finally accepted the love I'd been running from for more than a decade. The moments when I've been breaking down, God has sent people to come alongside me and show me that I don't have to hide it or do it alone. There are people who care...and a God whose heart breaks with every tear that I shed.
C is for Campbell. For the school I fought for my life to get to. The school that, by the time I did get there, I wasn't too thrilled about because I didn't want to be surrounded by talk of a God I thought had just spent months torturing me. The school who led me to meet a band that would change my life. The school where I found my best friend, my sister. The school where I found two sets of rowdy brothers, one who taught me that there are still Christians who can love you without ulterior motives, and the other who taught me that my self-image is not how others see me and I don't have to try to fit in to be loved.
D is for Dare. For every time God has dared me to move. To step outside my comfort zone and trust that even though what I'm being asked to do terrifies me, it will lead me to something far better than I could get without it. Like telling my story for the first time. Or joining a class of guys to run a Twitter account. Or talk to someone new. Accepting these dares to move leads to far greater happiness than I'd have had without doing so.
E is for Enough. For the reminder that I am enough. I am enough for God. I don't have to change. Or try to get rid of my issues. Or apologize for the thousandth time. Or get "better." He loves me. Right now. No conditions. As long as I surrender, that's enough. And God is enough for me. That's all the love I need to get through.
F is for Forgiveness. For the lessons I'm learning about forgiving myself the way God already has. For letting go of the past. For trusting that when my loved ones say they've forgiven me for a mistake, they mean it, and I don't have to keep apologizing to them.
G is for Grace. For the grace I need to get by. For the grace I'm still learning to show myself when I feel like I'm getting everything wrong. For the grace that puts life back in my bones when I don't want to move.
H is for Healing. For the healing I found in Jesus' sacrifice. For the healing I found in the water in that church in Nashville. For the physical healing I'm still waiting on, though I know I may not get it this side of heaven. For the emotional healing in my life during my college years. For the promise of healing yet to come.
I is for Imagine. For "Him who is able to do more than all we ask or imagine." For the knowledge that I never could have imagined my life would turn out this good. I can imagine where I want my life to go from here, but I can't begin to predict what He has in store for me. And for the trust that it takes to accept that what He gives me will be the best, even if it's not what I imagine or plan on.
J is for Joy. For the happiness that can only be found out of this world, not in earthly circumstances. For the joy the people I love tell me I exude to others even when I don't realize I'm doing something special. For the joy that I feel when I know that I'm helping people. For the joy that comes in knowing that when I don't know what's coming next, I know that I'm taken care of.
K is for Know. For the chance to know what real love looks like. For the reminder that even when I don't feel God, even when I don't know what He's doing or how I'm going to make it through a struggle in my life, I know that God is good and He loves me. For the fact that what I know isn't based on my fluctuating emotions. It just is.
L is for Loss. For the loss of my dad, my first struggle of faith and trust in God. For the loss of my old identity, something that nearly broke me but ended up being exactly what I needed. For the loss of relationships I fought to hold on to, when God knew He needed to take them in order to make me better.
M is for Music. For the songs that I've sung to God through tears, when I wasn't even sure how much I believed what I was singing. For the songs I've sung to feel close to God. For the songs I've sung when I didn't know how to put the cries of my heart into my own words. For the songs I've sung when I've been so happy music seemed like the proper response to that much joy.
N is for New York. For a new chapter. For taking me out of my bubble. For letting me find out who I am and what I'm capable of when I'm uncomfortable. For new friends, new love, new experiences, and new places that have already taught me so many things.
O is for Ocean. For all the times I've stood on the beach looking out at the water and wondered how the God of the universe could really care about the details of my life when I'm so small. For the reminder that the God who makes the ocean waves crash knows me intimately and His love and grace for me goes deeper than the bottom of the sea. And for the ocean of life I've often felt like I was drowning in, because that drowning feeling is what has drawn me closer to the only one who could pull me out.
P is for Push. For the God who never pushed to get me to open my eyes; He was just there, waiting for me to be ready to change and to accept what He had for me. And for the friends who pushed into my life, who pushed to love me when I was terrified and fought to keep up the walls I'd grown so accustomed to.
Q is for Question. For every question I've been afraid to ask. And for the lesson I have to learn again every day that the God who died for me isn't afraid of me asking questions and grappling with the hard answers.
R is for Redemption. For the story of redemption I've been given. For the God that I serve who is in the business of redemption. For all the pain and confusion and tears and frustration that have been redeemed more beautifully than I could have ever imagined. This was the first letter I thought of, one that popped into my head before I even got to the second half of the Anima video and heard Jon mention it in his R, too.
S is for Sanctuary. For the worship service (of the same name) in Nashville, the one I went to that I thought was just a chance to hear good music and hang out with two of my best friends, and instead ended up being the place where everything changed. For the first Christian community that ever felt like home, the first one where I ever felt truly accepted. For the sanctuary I found at Campbell. And for the sanctuary I find in God when I am in desperate need of rest.
T is for Trust. For the trust I'm still building. For the trust I have to focus in on when I'm scared or angry or hurt. And for the trust I'm thankful to be able to place in a God who created everything from the sun to the trees to the ants on the ground.
U is for Unusual. For my unusual life and my unusual story and the magnificently unusual God that I love and gave my life to.
V is for Vespers. For the band who led me back to God after so many years of running as far away as I could. Who never evangelized the way I'd grown up around, and instead loved me just as I was and took me in and waited until I was ready, answering questions as I asked them. Who was there on the biggest night of my life and celebrated it as their own joy.
W is for Welcome. For being welcome in the arms of God no matter what I've done. For being welcomed by strangers that beautiful night in Nashville. For being welcomed in by people I never thought would be my friends, who love me as I am without question, and who show me Jesus every day just by the way they love me.
X is for Xerox. For the God I know who doesn't make copies. We are all unique. Each made with a very specific story and a very specific purpose. And for the reminder that nothing about me is a mistake, that it's better and so freeing to be myself, instead of wasting energy trying to avoid being the Mal that God intentionally created to be different from others.
Y is for Yearn. For the yearning I feel to know God better and closer. For my yearning to be more like God. For my yearning to be more of the Mal God created me to be. For my yearning to please Him. And for the yearning I feel He must have had for all those years when He was waiting for me to come home.
Z is for Zeal. For the zeal I have for sharing my story. For a zeal for making connections and getting to know people and their stories, too. For the passion I feel deep in my soul for helping people through their troubles. For the constant burning desire I have to be there for the people I love, no matter what is going on in my life. And for the outrageous excitement that gets me fired up when I think about how good God really is and everything He did for me that I could never earn or deserve. That zeal is why I do what I do.
Jon and the Anima crew have been such a sweet encouragement for me and my blog, telling me to keep writing and sharing my posts inspired by their videos. I sure have a lot to be thankful for with them, and that's only a small part of the reason why I so passionately share and talk about their videos. This one was probably the most time-consuming for me to write, but I loved every second of it.
That up there is a half hour message that Jon Jorgenson (yes, same one, from The Anima Series) gave at a camp. It's called Transformation Implementation, and I need to talk about it because it hit me straight in the heart. I've transcribed four pieces in particular (best I can, anyway, he talks so darn fast), if you don't have half an hour to spare right now. But you really should watch it when you can. It's good and packed with truth. The first comes in reference to Matthew 4:18-20. "We worship a God who is in the business of calling people. You see, God has been calling people since the beginning of time. God called Abraham to build a family. God called Noah to build an ark. He called Jacob to build a well, Nehemiah to build a wall, and Jesus to build a way. God called David into the valley; he called Moses onto the mountain. God called Esther to speak up, Job to shut up, Ruth to stick around, and Gideon to stick it to 'em. God called Joshua to take a walk, Jonah to give a talk, Solomon to be wise, and Lazarus to rise. God called Elijah in a whisper. He called Elisha to dig ditches. He called Daniel to be the best. He called his disciples to love the worst. He called the prophets to speak out, and he called the church to invite in. You see, there is literally no major character in the Biblical narrative who was not called by God to something greater than themselves, and we worship a God who still is calling people today." Here's a secret: As much as I freely say that I want God to use me, sometimes I don't know why He would. I'm nobody special. I've lived a pretty sheltered life. I don't have any extravagant gifts. I don't have some lifelong calling to move to Africa and take care of orphans like some bloggers who are about my age. I don't know how I could with all of my health issues even if I wanted to. So what's the point in using me for something greater when there are so many other options, stronger Christians, stronger people? But all I have to do is take a look in the Bible to see that from the very beginning God has been calling ordinary people. They weren't a big deal in their time, they didn't have big and important jobs, they didn't know they were going to be used for something epic from the start. The one thing they have in common is that they became worthy of the record books because they answered His call. That's Jon's first step: answer the call. All I have to do is answer, and He will bring me to things far beyond my dreams and imagination. All I have to do is answer, and He will take care of everything else. The second is a pretty long one. It comes from Matthew 26:57-58, 69-75. "See, the moment the rooster crows is significant, because listen to this. The moment the rooster crows is the moment we're confronted with our sin and shame...You see, the moment the rooster crows reminds us that we are not the perfect, strong, amazing Christian that maybe we thought we were once. It's the moment where we realize we weren't really following God; we were just inviting God to follow us and hoping that Jesus would be our good luck charm. It's the moment that we realize that our choices have isolated us from God. That's what the rooster crowing stands for for a Christian. BUT to literally everyone else in the world, specifically those in the Midwest, the rooster crowing stands for something else...What does a rooster crowing stand for? It means it's the start of a new day! You see, the rooster crowing means that night is over and morning is coming. It means that darkness is on its way out and light is on its way in. You see, it means there's a new beginning, it means there's a fresh start, and it means that the sun is about to rise. And follow me here 'cause I'm about to blow your minds with this. You see, what Peter didn't know was that the teacher he had just betrayed, that teacher was also a Son. And what Pilate didn't know was that the man that he had just sentenced, that man was also a Son. And what the soldiers didn't know was that the prisoner that they had just beaten, that prisoner was also a Son. And what the Pharisees didn't know was that the carpenter that they had just crucified, that carpenter was a son. Okay, you following me? And even though he was betrayed, even though that Son was sentenced, even though that Son was beaten, and even though that Son was killed, when the rooster crowed, it was a reminder that that Son was gonna RISE three days later and bring LOVE and REDEMPTION to the world forever!... The rooster crowing in your life is not a reminder that you are broken, sinful, and far from God. The rooster crowing in your life is a reminder that even though you have sin, and even though you are broken, and even though you may be far from God, IT AIN'T OVER...We have to learn to love the rooster because the rooster foreshadows resurrection, and resurrection means redemption is coming." When the rooster crowed, Peter remembered Jesus predicting his betrayal. He wept at how far from his Lord he had gotten. I'm not gonna lie and say there haven't been times that I've cried at how badly I've messed up. Shame is a brutal feeling, how many things can knock you off your feet like that? A lot of times in the past couple years, I haven't been following God. I've been, as Jon said, hoping Jesus would be my good luck charm. I haven't been seeking after the Lord, not even close to the way that I should. I've been getting a lot of things wrong, so often, no matter how much I want to. I think about things like that, and I feel like I'm just waiting for God to throw in the towel on my messed up life. And I know how much I deserve God giving up on me, which is why it feels inevitable. I am Peter too many days, sickened by my actions. But those crows signal something else, something I fail to recognize far more often than not. It's the start of a new day. Lamentations 3:23 says that God's mercies are new every morning. That means EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I get a new chance to start over and rededicate myself and my choices to the Lord. It isn't over because I'm still here, which is an even bigger deal for me considering doctors say I really shouldn't be. Because my sin was paid for on the Cross, God doesn't hold any of it against me. God isn't mad that He is giving me another chance; it's what He does! The rooster means a new day is coming. Oh, I do love a good play on words. When the rooster crows, the sun is rising, and when that rooster in Matthew crowed, it was a reminder that the Son would rise again. And when the Son rose, my sin was forever defeated. So if my sin is defeated, why wouldn't I get a new chance? Step two: Learn to love the rooster. The rooster's crows means resurrection is coming, and in that resurrection comes my redemption. I am FREE. The third is tied to John 21: 15-19. "Even though Peter's not the rock yet, the command never changes. He still says 'I want YOU to be the shepherd. Even though you're not changed yet, I still wanna use you.' And that's what God says to us. He says, 'Even though you're not there yet, even though you're not perfect yet, even though your love for me is still a little flawed, I still wanna use you, so GET BACK IN THE GAME!' Because Jesus is the ultimate recognizer of our potential. Why? Because he's the one who put it there. Jeremiah 1:5 'Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart. I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.' Jesus says 'Peter, I know you're still a reed at times, but I know there's a rock inside of you somewhere.' And Jesus is saying to you tonight, 'I know you're a reed sometimes, but there's a rock inside of you somewhere.' And tonight, it's time for you to get back in the game...Your greatest misery that you've been dealing with for I don't know how long is about to become your greatest ministry tonight when you get back in the game with God." I'm still a reed sometimes, I'll be the first to admit it. I want to be a rock all the time, what Christian wouldn't, but I'm just not there yet. Because I'm such a perfectionist, when I recognize my screw-ups, I often get so caught up in yelling at myself for it that I don't remember to try again. I wonder what the point is, because hey, if I'm just going to screw it all up again, why do I even bother? I might as well save myself the embarrassment and God the frustration.....Uh, except here's the thing. God doesn't get frustrated! He loves me too much! If I think I have to be perfect for God to be able to use me for something, I'll be wasting this whole life away because I'm never gonna be perfect this side of eternity. I don't love God as strongly as I should, as steadfastly as I should. God still wants me. He wants me so He can grow me. And in the process of growing me, He's gonna use me. If I don't want to give up on God, I can't give up on the creation He made in His image. So here's to giving myself the same second chance God gives me every day, because by doing that, I trust that the One who is in control can make it right. As long as I keep getting back in the game, there's hope for me yet. There's no mistake that I can make that God can't turn around and use for His glory and my good. He knows my potential because He put it there. I'm gonna keep getting back in the game and trust that He knows I really am capable of more than I think I am. Step three: get back in the game. The last is his end statement, what I needed to hear the most. "You see, transformation doesn't come by following Jesus and giving up as soon as you screw up. Transformation comes by answering the call and getting back in the game no matter how many times the rooster has crowed in your life. Transformation comes by saying these words, 'I may not be where I wanna be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be. I'm okay, and I'm on my way. I'm back in the game.'" I'm not the person I want to be yet, but this blog is enough proof by itself that I am not the person I used to be. God has brought me so much farther than I could have imagined was possible before it happened. More than I even knew that I wanted. Thank God for that. And as long as there's breath in my lungs, God's gonna keep working in me and on me, and who knows, maybe even through me. ;) God won't quit on me, so I'm not gonna quit on me, either. Step four: rinse and repeat.
(There was also a video that they put out yesterday: Saturday. "While life is lived on Saturday, Saturday is not all there is to this life." Just as worth watching as the two I'm posting here on the blog.)
The following is based on events that took place in and surrounding the city of Jerusalem the day after the Sabbath (the third day) and the days that followed, approximately 33 A.D. Very early in the morning, before the sun takes its place in the sky, a woman stands in yet another garden, spices in hand, repeating the same question: "Why?" This is the scene on Sunday. Two men walking down a seven-mile road unpacking all the thoughts that crowd in their head. The man that they thought was the Savior of the world, this man, this Jesus? Now this man was dead. This is the scene on Sunday. A group of fishermen rowing along in their boat, just going back to what they did before. A voice cries out, "Have you not caught anything?!" There's a mysterious man waiting on the shore. This is the scene on Sunday. Sunday starts in the dark, but soon comes a spark of revolution, of revelation, of real elation with the realization that He is real and so is His nation. On Sunday, the stone is rolled away, the enemy is at bay, and redemption's here to stay. On Sunday, the nets overflow, the angels simply glow, and the linen lies folded white as snow. On Sunday, He's recognized when the bread is broken, and the dead are awoken, and a new word is spoken. On Sunday, we receive our sign that He is the vine so let His light shine. On Sunday, Herod was wrong. The grave was not strong, and we finally belong so sing a new song, because on Sunday, the dead rise as He opens our eyes lifting our hands to the skies. On Sunday, Peter takes a dive while the fishermen thrive. To Emmaus we arrive, and love is ALIVE. On Sunday, we don't search for the living among the dead. On Sunday, we became the body, and He became the head and redeemed every tear that has ever been shed. On Sunday, we head in a new direction because there's been an intersection between reflection and perfection, and that connection? That's right, we call it resurrection. In John 19, verse 41, it says that they laid Jesus to rest in a tomb in the middle of a garden, and I think that was their biggest mistake, because if you want something to stay dead, you don't bury it in a garden where the voice of the One who created the very soil itself will call forth to His Son, saying, "Rise up and LIVE!" He is the gardener whispering our name. He is the stranger on Emmaus Road. He is the mysterious man calling from the shore. On Sunday, will you recognize Him? On Sunday, will you answer Him? On Sunday, will you RISE UP and LIVE?
It sounds silly to say that I didn't expect so much healing to be found in a video on the story of Jesus' resurrection, but I really did not expect to be crying first thing this morning as I watched this video.
I realized this afternoon that I was crying not because it was beautiful and so powerful. I was crying because it was so much more than the story of Jesus' resurrection.
I was crying because it was a call to accept the price that Jesus paid to set me free.
I was crying because it was a challenge to stop letting myself get weighed down by my mistakes (which is really so unbelievably relevant after things that have happened in the past few days) and take hold of the victory that came when Jesus rose from the grave.
I was crying because it was a reminder that when Jesus said, "It is FINISHED"...he actually meant it.
A friend sent me this in a message just a few hours ago, as I was beginning to figure out what I would say in this post, knowing it would be centered around Jon's words. "We cannot hang on to our own condemnation and to the Gospel with the same hand...we either let go of ourselves, or let go of Him - the choice is ours. Are your eyes on your storm, or on His throne?" The choice is mine: Keep condemning myself, or accept the grace and mercy and forgiveness that I learned quite a while ago I cannot live without. Let go of the past, or let go of the One who is the only reason I'm still alive, the One who put the breath in my lungs.
The enemy is at bay. Redemption's here to stay. And I'm busy slowly killing myself trying to fight a battle that stopped being mine the second I came up from the water in that pool inside that Nashville church. It's done. It's over. What will it take for me to get that?!
Just as Jesus walked along the road to Emmaus gently trying to make his presence known, just as Jesus shouted from the shore to remind the fishermen he was still there, he's been fighting so hard to get me to see that he didn't just show up for my baptism. He's been here every single day saving me from myself, calling out my name and asking me to take his hand, aching for me to know the Lord even a fraction of how he knows me. Apart from him, I can do NOTHING. (John 15:5) And yet here I am, far too often acting like I don't know better.
Redemption came out of that tomb, and death died inside it. The same voice that called me to salvation is calling me every day to rise up and LIVE. This time, I'm going to answer Him.
I have no words today. I just want to share this poem from Jon Jorgenson and The Anima Series. It tells so simply yet so powerfully the story of Good Friday and the gravity of what Jesus did for us all.
The following is based on events that took place around the city of Jerusalem on the day of preparation of the Passover, approximately 33 A.D. After dinner, in a garden, four men sat down to pray. This is the scene at the top of Friday. On Friday, one of them would betray him, though none of them felt able. But he made it clear the night before, it was one of them at the table. Thirty pieces of silver was enough to get it done, the price that was placed on the head of God's son. On Friday, these images flashed through his head. He knows the cup he's been given. Soon he'll be dead. There's blood on his brow where there should be just sweat. The burden is heavy; he's carrying our debt. On Friday, he gives it all up for our sake. On Friday, the disciples just can't stay awake. In this garden, on Friday, it isn't paradise or bliss. On Friday, he's arrested and betrayed with a kiss. Dragged before the leaders, he's mocked and disgraced, back and forth between Herod and Pilate, both looking to save face. On Friday, he's forced to defend his own cause, but Pilate knows, in his heart, this man's broken no laws. Pilate says "Are you the Christ?" his face angry, beet red. The only reply he receives, "It is as you've said." But the Pharisees want evidence. "If you are the Christ, then show him." On Friday, the rooster crows, just as Peter says, "I do not know him." On Friday, he wears a crown made of thorns as the disciples run away and Mother Mary mourns. On Friday, he endures forty lashes of the whip, but he knows that from his cup, this is just the first sip. With the crowd still unsatisfied and Pilate at a loss, on Friday, they force him to carry his own cross. His mind becomes hazy, his senses become dull, inching ever closer to Golgotha, the place they call "Skull." On Friday, after stumbling his way through the street, he's fixed up on that cross, nails in hands, nails in feet. Two thieves on either side of him, one to the left and one to the right, and even on Friday, he leads one of them to the Light. Pierced through his side, blood and water hit the ground. He cries out, "Eloi!" but his Father makes no sound. On Friday, the pain would not be diminished, until the ninth hour when he finally cries out, "It. is. FINISHED." On Friday, he dies, and the pain of loss is numbing. But the weekend ain't over. Sunday is coming.
Yes, it's another Anima Series video, but it's starring a different guy because Jon Jorgenson had to go and get all famous and star on Broadway. Not even kidding. But I suppose the real star of the video is God; the Lord certainly spoke to me very deeply when I watched this.
So here's some words from Danny Hochstatter...
I like to think of memories as all these boxes in my head filled with different kinds of information and experiences. Humans have a very strong emotional memory. Our brains are wired this way to keep us from making the same mistakes over and over again. Whenever we're in an intense emotional state like extreme stress or joy, and our memory kicks into overdrive, and we're usually able to recall those events with great detail. For example, think of the first time that you were wrecked by grace, or the first time that you fell in love, or the first time that somebody close to you died. I'd guess that's a very strong memory for you. Now, every life has its emotional moments, and some are hard to forget. For those of us with a broken past, it can be hard to forget all the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness, and the embarrassment that we feel when we talk about it now, and some of us are in that state right now, where we feel like our behavior or bad habits make us unworthy of love, that God wouldn't waste His time on somebody as bad or as broken as you. Well, if there's anything that I've learned about God, about seeking Him in my life and the lives of others, it is that He is an absolute MASTER at making good come out of evil. I've seen health come out of addiction. I've seen mercy come out of judgment. I've seen community come out of isolation. I've seen passion from apathy, and I've seen such beautiful life come from such tragic death. Now, for me, I wouldn't trade my broken past for anything, because once we experience God's love, our broken past is nothing more than proof of God's grace. Looking back at the past allows us to see just how deep God's love is for us and how much He can truly forgive. If you ask me, having a past that is just packed full of sin and shame just means that, upon redemption, you will see God and understand His love that much clearer. If you feel that your past is as dark as they come, then get ready, because you are in a perfect position to experience God's grace in its fullest, because His grace is ENOUGH. In 2 Corinthians 12, it says,
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
So don't forget the past, because you might forget just how perfect God's grace really is. Because if you lose all of your demons, you might lose your angels, too. If you truly believe that God loves you like He says He does and you have accepted His forgiveness, then find peace knowing that your broken past is nothing more than one more divine demonstration of grace. So let the past go. He already has.
It was when I realized that my story wasn't actually about me, that it was about God and what He can do and has done, that it became fun for me to tell. It was exciting to tell the world about what I'd been through and what I'd survived because it all boiled down to the truth that what God says totally supersedes what man says. I was filled with sheer joy every time I told someone about how far I ran away from God, because then I got to tell them about just how far He ran to come get me back.
Wrecked by grace? Wrecked. What an amazing word. I saw it and, of course, I immediately thought about my baptism. I've never attached that word to it before, but I've never seen anything more perfect. I was absolutely wrecked that night. There's no other way to explain the flood of tears as I broke under the recognition of God's presence and my desperate need to surrender. The feeling of the greatest joy in the world as I stood in that pool with Brennan, just trying to process what was going on but not really knowing how to. Feeling like every nerve in my body came alive when he led me on stage lifted my arm in the air and 600 people I didn't know cheered with everything they had. And laying in bed past 2 in the morning, staring at the ceiling, trying to wrap my mind around the idea that I was wanted, that God had actually put in so much effort to win me.
But if there's one thing that this video reminded me of, it's the danger in what I've been doing lately. I've spent so much time trying to move past the person I used to be that I am on the line of forgetting it. And I can't forget who I was because that is the parameter for how far I've been taken. Notice I didn't say how far I've come - the transformation that my life has been through the past few years is the work of God, plain and simple. All I did was say yes. I don't want to lose my angels, even if it means keeping my demons in my peripheral vision.
This video is also a sweet reminder of the work I need to do in understanding what it means to truly forgive myself. To accept God's love in such a true way that I can let go of all the mistakes He let go of a long time ago. I spent a good deal of my counseling session today talking about my constant self-badgering. How my low self-esteem is what keeps me from believing that I deserve love, God's or anyone else's. I don't want God to hold me to the same standards that I hold myself; why do I think my opinion is more important than God's?
I've got to let it go...let go of the chains I've bound myself in for my whole life, let go of the shame, let go of the frustration...then I will find the rest that I seek.
"Now, what if you really believed that you were loved? Not just, like, know it in your head, or you've been taught that your whole life, but actually believed, deep down in your heart that you were loved. That you were wanted. That you were pursued, cherished."
"What if we actually believed that we are who God says we are, and that we belong to Him? All these desires that we have bubbling up in us are good desires, that we want to be loved, we want to be wanted, and that, ultimately, that is fulfilled in Jesus, that HE satisfies us, that HE loves us regardless of what we do or what we don't do, and it's a scandal to believe that in this day and age! But let us be women that do that, that believe Him for what He says is true over us. And if we're gonna be women and ladies who change our communities and change our schools and are examples for this next generation of girls coming up behind us, we have got to start believing in what God says about us. We have to believe that we, as women, are SPOKEN FOR."
Does God's timing ever just make you laugh? Do you ever just want to go, "Okay, God, I get you're trying to tell me something here"? Because that's what happened when I watched this video, and then had a 90+-minute phone call with my sweet friend Lauren, the vast majority of which centered around this topic.
I'm going to try to be as concise as possible with my thoughts, but just bear with me. This has been the biggest struggle of my life, obviously very much so before I was a Christian and when I was in high school getting bullied so much. Matt, that dear sweet patient best friend of mine, was the receptacle for my bottomless pit of fear that he didn't love me for so many years, all the while he fought to prove to me just how wrong I was. But even when I found security in my friendship with him, that didn't stop me from questioning everyone else. Even if they didn't know it, I was questioning them.
In the months after I became a Christian and got baptized, I started questioning things less. More importantly, for the first time in possibly my whole life, I felt like I actually loved myself. That was when I stopped trying quite so hard to please my family, because I intrinsically knew that I was at a better place than I'd ever been. I fell in so naturally with people, most of whom I still talk to today, and I began to see that I wasn't as awful as I'd believed I was for so long. One of the things that Lauren said to me during our conversation tonight when talking about my life and my friends is, "Girl, you are CRAZY loved!" And that's been reverberating around inside my head ever since.
She's right, you know. I am crazy loved. I could not ask for better friends, more loyal, patient, faithful, or loving. I know that. I will tell anyone that. I know every single day that these are the kind of friendships I longed for when I was a little girl. Somehow, though, I've lost sight of that. More and more, I look at my friends and simply wonder, "Why do you love me? How can you love me?" Sometimes, I've even flat out asked them that. I didn't understand why they stuck around. I didn't understand why they cared when I was sick, why they'd rather check on me and talk to me than be around people whose lives weren't so complicated. If I did that with my friends, people as broken as I am, you can just imagine how much worse it's been in my walk with the Lord. I said it here; I don't believe I'm worthy of being loved. And as Alyssa says, even though I know in my head that God loves me just as I am, I don't believe it in my heart because I can't understand how a God so good could love me when I am so screwed up. I hear far too often everything that's "wrong" with me, and I let those hurtful words seep into my soul before the words of the Lord who delights in me no matter what.
That's what is holding me back from the rest I seek, the difference between knowing something in my head, knowing something is true when I say it out loud, and believing it in my heart without a word being spoken. This reminds me of when Reafe asked me if I'm close to God, and how careful he was to point out the difference between that and being a Christian. "When you're close to God, what everyone else says won't matter. You won't care." I know God, I love God, I know who He is, but I have so much further to go. Jesus doesn't satisfy me right now. I'm looking to people for the satisfaction that only He can bring. And that's why I'm still so lost and confused.
God says I am beautiful, even though I have (a lot of) weight to lose. God says I am wanted, even though I am intense and try too hard. God says I am pursued, even though I feel unnoticed more than anyone realizes. God says I am cherished, even though I tend to hear the voices who tell me why I'm not good enough first and most clearly. My Father doesn't speak with corollaries attached.
Lord, I pray that this is the year I learn to hear You first and believe what You say is the truth over me all the way down in my heart, so it's a part of me and I can't lose sight of it. Thank You for loving this broken girl, and for giving the world people like Alyssa and Lauren and countless other friends who help me see me how You see me.
Yes, this is another Jon Jorgenson video. If you haven't checked him and his organization The Anima Series out already, you really should. I'm posting this one mostly because of two lines that are a PERFECT reflection of what happened when I met The Vespers...and because it's really good, with some hard truth that I've been reflecting on lately.
So to get right to the point today, I got a little game that I'd like for y'all to play. It's called How many teenagers do you know that are actively pursuing a life with God?
For most of us, that game doesn't last very long. Like a bangin' on a gong, the preachers say, "What's wrong with kids today?" and the song goes on and on and on. But the song being sung is partly true. We're surrounded by a generation who, for the most part, would rather smoke a joint than sit in a pew, and to be honest, I'm really tired of placing all the blame on them. So I'm here to suggest that perhaps part of the problem, church...is you.
Please hear me out. You see, teenagers today, and people, for that matter, would rather live by their own luck because they see the religious system is just way too stuck, and if you heard me say that I read my Bible every day, you'd be like "What the fffudge? Doesn't that mean you're quick to judge, never budge, and just a plain old schmuck?" And if this is the perception that we're so full of pride, then perhaps it's time we took a look inside and tried to reclaim the part of Jesus that some of us have lost: the one who partied with sinners, touched the lepers, loved the children, and who paid the highest cost.
Have you ever considered just how many parties Jesus went to in the Gospels? If someone wanted to throw a party today, church, I'm not sure that they would hire us. People don't wanna gather around Jesus anymore. They gather around Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus. And I'm not here to bash secular music, either. I'm tired of that, and plus, I like some of those songs. I'm here to suggest, church, that we also might be in the wrong.
Please hear me out. You see, it's clear in the lives of the next generation, the church rarely plays a part, and maybe that's because some of the messages in TV, and film, and radio are a little bit more from the heart. The church shouldn't be this billboard of propaganda, a list of shoulds and should nots. It should be a living, breathing artpiece, where people see us, and they say, "I want what they've got!" When did the movement of Jesus lose its authenticity and require its members to climb to some spiritual peak? Because if only the strong survive, then how come His power is perfect when we're weak?
Now please, hear me. I know some churches do this right, and I'm not tryin' to start a fight. I'm here to suggest that we might just be as blind as those to whom we're trying to give sight. We as the church need to wisen up because the next generation is rising up, and they're finding their prize in the things of this world because in their eyes, we haven't given them a better option. Runnin' away from the church like a toxin, because some of us are locked into a system of judgment and dismay, hate you if you're struggling, different, or gay. Why would anyone want to stay when they're just viewed as a project on which we can project a list of rules? And the more we try and "protect" the children in this way, the more we reject what God is trying to project through them! And that is His project of AUTHENTIC. LOVE.
Please hear me out. You've made it this far. I'm not trying to be harsh, and I'm not trying to be condemning to either side. I'm suggesting that instead of forcing people onto some religious journey, let's just invite them along for the ride. Let's look to share, before we look to teach, and maybe let's put a little more care into what we preach. Let us make faith in Jesus a little more attractive, and by that, I'm not talking about hip, or cool. I'm talking about interactive - because you can never underestimate the power of someone who truly cares and who dares to be the one person who will listen when no one else will. This is the kind of love that I believe Jesus was talking about, that authentic love that spurs us to a life that people can't help but be attracted to.
Church, let us begin to live in THAT love. And let us stop blaming the younger generation for every problem in the world, and instead, come alongside them and invite them on an adventure that Jesus said would bring even greater things yet to come.
THIS is authentic love.
-----
"The church shouldn't be this billboard of propaganda, a list of shoulds and should nots. It should be a living, breathing artpiece, where people see us, and they say, "I want what they've got!" When did the movement of Jesus lose its authenticity?..."
This right here is why I first became attracted to The Vespers, back when I was still so angry at God and not believing that any of this "Christianity thing" could be anything more than a farce. (Was that really only three years ago?!) To anyone else, my interactions with them that warm February day here at Campbell probably seemed like nothing, but that day the seeds were planted in my head. I've said it so many times before; that day, I looked at these four strangers, and I noticed something so different about them that I knew I had to get to know them better. I knew they had this light and security about them, and I knew that that was what I'd been missing and searching for my entire life. I grew up with the list of should and should not. This was something totally different, and I knew I wanted it. Badly.
"I'm suggesting that instead of forcing people onto some religious journey, let's just invite them along for the ride."
This was one of the things that was so different about them. They never threw their faith in your face. They didn't hide who they were, but it wasn't what they focused on, at least not all the time. And I think that it was because of that fact that, as I got to know them more, I started asking questions. Because they never "preached" at me, I wasn't afraid to learn from them and inevitably get things wrong along the way. They showed me who God was and what He could do, but they still left it as my choice, without any fear, or judgment, or condemnation, or all of the negativity I grew up with, attached to it. I was able to take steps forward at my pace, and they never judged me for it. They were just there when I took the next one...all the way up to when I stepped in that Nashville church and I came home to my Father. And seeing Taylor and Bruno celebrate with me was what made me certain that they weren't just my friends, they were my brothers. These four, to this day, understand authentic love on a level that I'm still not sure I totally get The only people I've met since then that I think also understand it that deeply are my wonderful Reformation brothers, whose pure, unconditional, unswerving love for me has been well-documented over the past few months.
"...because you can never underestimate the power of someone who truly cares and who dares to be the one person who will listen when no one else will."
That day at lunch, when Bruno listened to me, a complete stranger, tell him my entire life story and didn't turn his back at all the gory details, that was the first time that I didn't feel like a freak for my past. I felt normal, and heard, and seen for so much more than the things that I've survived. And when he told me that "I'll do big things with that testimony..bigger things than [he'll] ever do," my perspective began to change, albeit slowly at first. Ever since then, one of my biggest goals in life and meeting new people and cultivating relationships is that I face them with the same attitude that Bruno had that very first day. That people would know they could tell me anything without fear of judgment. That God would use me to help people know that they aren't alone. Because it's thanks to those four kids who dared to listen to me that I finally saw myself as something more than my health issues. I spent quite some time trying to repay them for all the intangible gifts they had given me, but finally I reached a big realization.
Love, in its most authentic form, isn't about paying it back. It's about doing it just because you can and letting God get the glory for the gifts that spring forth from it.
Today I pray to love everyone I meet right where they're at. No questions, no conditions.
— Mallory Jones (@_callmemal) January 20, 2014
This year, I'm choosing to praise God every day for people who love me just as I am. Who let me be crazy and think no less of me for it. Who tell me to chase my dreams even when it seems completely illogical. Who teach me what I need to hold on to and what I need to let go of. Whose presence makes me appreciate every day as a reminder that tomorrow isn't promised. Who see the good in me when I'm a mess but aren't afraid to tell me how I can be better. The people who push me to my limits in the best way possible and are loyal to me when I get it all wrong.
For my own sanity, I have to let go of the negativity, of the friendships I'd been trying to convince myself hadn't changed and weren't hurting me, and remind myself over and over again just how many incredible people surround me. Because when I really stop to think about, the bad really is such a minority.
One thing I enjoy posting on here, both to share with any of you who read here and also for me to have an easy place to come back to, is videos. Music videos that I love, and spoken word videos that inspire and teach me. I've posted videos from a guy named Jon Jorgenson before - both of his Who You Are videos that are incredible and profound encouragement for both men and women, and his video titled The Wall which taught me a lot about what God can do in seemingly broken and hopeless situations.
Well, after some things that went down tonight, I couldn't help but think of his newest video "What Are You Afraid Of?".
I used to be afraid at night. Afraid of the dark. Afraid that just beyond the point my eyesight allowed me to see that there was something lurking. Afraid that the darkness itself would somehow surround me and swallow me up...as if darkness were anything more than simply the absence of light.
I used to be afraid of tomorrow. Afraid that who I was would continually dictate who I am and that who I would be might be someone who I didn't like very much at all...as if there was no such thing as being made new.
I used to be afraid of opinions. Afraid that though words would not break my bones, they certainly would shatter my dreams...as if I started doing this for the approval of many rather than the glory of One.
I used to be afraid of failure. Afraid of losing. Afraid of falling. Afraid of being wrong, creating busts, and looking absolutely stupid because who am I to think that I could ever actually make a difference? As if those setbacks were anything more than stepping stones on the path to success.
I used to be afraid. Used to.
But then I did a little research. And by that, I mean I re-searched, and I re-searched, and I re-searched, over and over again, and through all of my re-searching, I kept coming up with the same exact question: What room does fear have?
What room does fear have when I cling to trust? What room does fear have when I lean on hope? What room does fear have when I search for something more, when I discover what's good, and when I stand in awe? When I run with perseverance, when I walk by faith, and when I rest in comfort. What room does fear have when I sing with praise, when I take hold of inspiration, explore the possibilities, and step into freedom? What room does fear have when I discover strength, embrace courage, remember peace, declare truth, choose joy, experience life, and conquer death? What room does fear have when I find perfection in the one place I never thought to look? In weakness, when I'm saved by the most unlikely of heroes. By grace, when I'm invited into a relationship more loving and intimate than I could ever imagine as a child of God.
I'll ask you again: what room does fear have when I step out of the darkness, and I bask in the light? When I let the past be the past and the future has no limit. When they can talk all they want but their opinion doesn't matter! And when failure is nothing more and nothing less than the road by which I walk my path to success.
I'll ask you one last time: what room does fear have when in His Word, He tells me three hundred and sixty-five times (*depending on the translation) DO. NOT. BE. AFRAID. As if I needed to hear that every single day. And as if that's how many times I needed to hear it before I finally believed it.
What room does fear have when I make room for LOVE?
What are you afraid of?
-----
I used to be afraid of opinions. Afraid that though words would not break my bones, they certainly would shatter my dreams...as if I started doing this for the approval of many rather than the glory of One.
This has been my biggest struggle for as long as I can remember, and it's been hitting me especially hard lately. In fact, I was crying not even two hours ago because someone I love very deeply said some things that felt like they pushed all the dreams I have for my future to the breaking point. Which has pretty much been a recurring theme in my life. I hear these voices that tell me I'm not good enough, smart enough, kind enough, talented enough, that seem so loud I can't seem to ignore them, and the more I love the people behind the voices, the more likely I am to believe them. What's sticking out to me right now is that I had myself convinced for quite a while that that was the old me...I guess I'm not as far from the old me as I thought. Summer and I talked about this last night, and I know I've said it here on the blog before; you think that your scars are just a part of your past and they don't dictate who you are or how you react anymore, but they're still the most tender and vulnerable part of you and they get ripped back open fresh when you least expect it. But another friend told me something tonight that was actually what made me think of this video: "You have to decide that you are enough. That God is enough. That your approval comes from Him and not anyone else." Approval is a very hard thing for me. I crave it. But in the end, I don't want to do what I do, make the choices I make, live the way I live for anyone but God, because when I'm standing in front of Him answering for this life and finally with the chance to sing at His feet, none of these other people are going to even come to mind...no matter how strongly I love them now. And it's not about me, anyway. It's about Him.
I used to be afraid of failure. Afraid of losing. Afraid of falling. Afraid of being wrong, creating busts, and looking absolutely stupid because who am I to think that I could ever actually make a difference?
I hate messing things up. Hate it. I hate making people upset. I hate causing a gap in my friendships. I hate being responsible for negative reactions. I even get scared trying to help people sometimes because I'm afraid they don't want my help and I'll just annoy them. And despite all the people who tell me that my heart for others is a blessing and a gift and that they've seen it do good, I automatically focus on the people who tell me how big of a pain I am, that I just need to stop caring so much. Again, the negativity wins. Even though I have a letter taped on my wall from a girl who had never even met me but wanted to tell me how sharing my heart had helped her. Even though the people that I am closest to in this life have told me more times than I can count that they love me just as I am. I still don't want to be me all the time because I'm afraid I'll mess things up and people will laugh at me or just not like me. In fact, I sometimes assume that people are mad at me when they've given me no real reason to think so. It's insane! I want to make a difference with people. Being me and loving people like I do has made a difference. Why isn't that enough encouragement for me to be the person God created?
What room does fear have when I find perfection in the one place I never thought to look?
As soon as I typed that line out, I thought of 2 Corinthians 12:9. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" That verse right there? That holds the rest that this perfectionist needs. His grace and power will more than make up for my (many!) shortcomings. Yet so often, I fail to turn to Him and let Him do what I need and what He desires. I don't have to be perfect, I'm not a failure because I'm not, simply because He is. God is enough. There's no room for the enemy in my heart when I let Him fill me up. I've spent so much time focusing on my own shortcomings that I fail to focus on, or even really remember, all that He is capable of.
I'll ask you again: what room does fear have when I...let the past be the past and the future has no limit. When they can talk all they want but their opinion doesn't matter!
It's long past time I stop letting the person who I was decide the person that I am and will be. I have so much ahead of me, and the biggest thing that is going to hold me back is my own unwillingness to let the only Voice that truly matters tell me who I am. It's long past time I tell the people and voices who try to tear me down and crush my heart and dreams that they don't have the power to dictate where I will go or what I can do. I can't make them stop talking, but I can prevent them from making me break down in tears at 11:00 on a Wednesday night. The only power that they have is the power that I give them, and I'm choosing not to give it to them anymore. Because in the end, their opinion just. doesn't. matter.
I'll ask you one last time: what room does fear have when in His Word, He tells me three hundred and sixty-five times (*depending on the translation) DO. NOT. BE. AFRAID. As if I needed to hear that every single day. And as if that's how many times I needed to hear it before I finally believed it.
This is an example of why one of my goals for this year, one of the ways in which I see my One Word coming to life, is by digging into my Bible to learn the heart of who God really is. Because I have a Father who loves me enough to tell me the same lesson over and over and over again. He doesn't want me to miss it. He doesn't want me to live in fear. Pressing into Him and what He tells me is how I will find the strength not to let the negative voices take over my heart. Letting Him speak His truth into my heart every single day is what I need to hear Him above everything else.
What room does fear have when I make room for LOVE?
I serve a jealous God. He wants all of me. And when I give myself completely to Him, the enemy won't have space to come in. Plain and simple.
I'm a little out of words tonight. I spent most of the day sleeping because of my head. Then, I spent the evening/night just sitting in silence. Eventually I wrote a guest post for a blogger that I admire; I'm not sure when it will be up, but you know I will let you know when it is.
I've been feeling pretty weighed down for some reason, so instead of talking to people or letting myself get too caught up in my own thoughts, I decided to get on YouTube and distract myself. I watched these two videos several times before I decided to check out the other videos on the channel. Little did I know that Jon (the guy in the videos) and his group The Anima Series released a video tonight that was so perfect for this valley I'm in and the sometimes overwhelming fear that I get that my life is always going to be full of this physical pain. I've watched it over and over and over.
The wall at Jericho was an impenetrable force to any army that was trying to overtake the city. Before even dealing with the wall, the attacking troops would have to navigate their way across a 27 foot wide, 9 foot deep pit that lined the outer edges of the city. Then, there was the wall itself, a 17 foot high, 5 foot thick pure mass of solid stone. If the attacking army managed to get this far without being shot down by archers, all that was left was to defeat the well-trained Canaanite army that was waiting within.
This was the reality for a young leader named Joshua and his ragtag Israelite army. These Israelites who had seen an entire generation live and die while wandering through the desert were tired, hungry, and facing what seemed like an impossible task, a hopeless situation. Now, I haven't lived very long, but I've lived long enough to know this: that running into walls is a part of life, and the bigger the wall, the more hopeless the situation can seem. The large walls of sickness, loss, divorce, addiction, they pop up all around us, and they seem impenetrable. And just like the wall at Jericho, these walls rarely stand alone. The walls of our lives are often accompanied by a deep pit of pain, suffering, and despair, and all the while, an army of hopelessness attacks us on every side. The question is asked all the time, if God loves us so much and is so powerful, then how could he allow these walls to pop up around me? Now, I don't pretend to have the answer to any of those questions, nor do I pretend to understand just how deep or dark your suffering has been. I simply wanna suggest that maybe God does his best work from seemingly hopeless situations.
When I read the Bible, I read about people and characters, all who faced seemingly hopeless situations. In fact, I cannot find a single person who walked faithfully with God without first facing a hopeless situation. Adam and Eve ruined Paradise by inviting sin and death into a perfect world - a hopeless case. Joseph was betrayed by his brothers for his pride and put in prison - a hopeless case. Moses was cornered on the banks of the Red Sea with the most powerful army in the world breathing down his neck - a hopeless case. Gideon was 300 against 300,000. David stood across the valley from a blood-thirsty giant. Esther was a woman trying to gain a word with a prideful king. Daniel's roommate was a lion. His friends were thrown in an oven. Jonah sucked at his job and got stuck in a whale. Peter was a coward. Paul was imprisoned. The 5,000 had no food. Lazarus was dead. Timothy was too young. Abraham was too old. The youngest son was too stupid. The walls of Jericho were too strong. And Jesus was humiliated, hung on a cross, and buried in a tomb, burying all hopes of the revolution that was hoped for for thousands of years.
Now everybody was ready to close the book on these stories, the end, game over. But if there's one thing we learn from the Scriptures, it's that we can never place a period where God has placed a comma, because when all other options have been worn out, when circumstances couldn't get worse, when everything else has failed, get ready, because THAT is EXACTLY where God shows up. Because Joseph became second in command. The Red Sea parted. Gideon won without lifting a weapon. Goliath's head was on a plate. Esther spoke and the king listened. Daniel tamed the lion. The oven felt like room temperature. Nineveh repented. Peter became the rock. Paul rejoiced. Twelve basket-fulls were left over. Lazarus was just kidding. Timothy built a church. Abraham built a family. The youngest son came home to a party. The walls of Jericho came a-tumblin' down! And Jesus Christ pulled off the resurrection, defeating sin and death and the creation that had been marred so many years ago was now restored for ALL TIME!
With God, what seems like a hopeless situation is not only possible, it's favorable, because only God can turn a mess into a message. Only God can turn a trial into a triumph, a test into a testimony, and a victim into a victory. His power is made perfect in weakness, so let us rejoice in our trials and hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, because He who promised is faithful, was faithful, and will always be faithful, no matter how hopeless the situation.
-----
Yep, I cried.
Now I haven't lived very long, but I've lived long enough to know this: that running into walls is a part of life, and the bigger the wall, the more hopeless the situation can seem. The large walls of sickness, loss, divorce, addiction, they pop up all around us, and they seem impenetrable. And just like the wall at Jericho, these walls rarely stand alone. The walls of our lives are often accompanied by a deep pit of pain, suffering, and despair, and all the while, an army of hopelessness attacks us on every side. The question is asked all the time, if God loves us so much and is so powerful, then how could he allow these walls to pop up around me? Now, I don't pretend to have the answer to any of those questions, nor do I pretend to understand just how deep or dark your suffering has been. I simply wanna suggest that maybe God does his best work from seemingly hopeless situations.
These months of increasingly severe and constant pain have been filled with hopeless moments, but none more so than when I sat in that office at Duke for my initial meeting with my headache specialist, and he told me that he didn't think the Botox would work but we'd do it anyway, and if it didn't work, then he couldn't help me. Despite what my neurologist said yesterday about there being a chance the second or third treatment would work, part of me is still a bit terrified that it's not going to work and I'm going to be out of medical situations. I really don't want to face that day, when one of the best headache doctors in the country tells me there's nothing else to be done to help me. There are days when this pain is so debilitating that I can't imagine a day when my life isn't filled with this pain and reminders of it. But this isn't the first seemingly hopeless situation I've faced in my life, and I'd be willing to bet it's not going to be my last. I've seen God working through the trials I've faced before, just as I feel Him working now.
When I read the Bible, I read about people and characters, all who faced seemingly hopeless situations. In fact, I cannot find a single person who walked faithfully with God without first facing a hopeless situation.
Ryann, God bless her, is in Switzerland worrying about me. I knew she'd worry when I told her about what's been going on, but I also know she'd be furious if I didn't tell her and she found out later. At the end of the most recent conversation we had, I told her that all of this drama was indeed being used to draw me closer to God and strengthen my faith. I remember the text that Taylor sent me when I was in the hospital in April, saying, "...folks like me that have lived a virtually pain free life will be envious of the intimacy with the savior that you have experienced through hurting." If these months of pain have done any good, they have only served to strengthen my knowledge that GOD is the one pulling me through this, and God will be the One I credit when I get my healing. I am more sure of who He is now than I ever was before. I just have a hard time remembering that some days.
But if there's one thing we learn from the Scriptures, it's that we can never place a period where God has placed a comma, because when all other options have been worn out, when circumstances couldn't get worse, when everything else has failed, get ready, because THAT is EXACTLY where God shows up.
One of the many people that I texted after my appointment yesterday was Summer. Her response was, "God is working in your life, sister, I can feel it. You're going to be a beautiful image of what his power can do once this is all over with." And as I told her, my life is already a testament to His power and grace; this is just going to add to it. I know that if Duke decides Botox will not help me and closes my case, I better get ready. Because that is when God will come in with a healing and a story that no doctor could have ever orchestrated. And I'll be the one blessed with the honor of shouting, "LOOK! Look what God did! This is how powerful He is!"
With God, what seems like a hopeless situation is not only possible, it's favorable, because only God can turn a mess into a message. Only God can turn a trial into a triumph, a test into a testimony, and a victim into a victory. His power is made perfect in weakness, so let us rejoice in our trials and hold unswervingly to the hope we profess...
By the world's standards, I have been victimized by this life. I have been given more than my "fair share" of pain and suffering. On days when the pain feels unbearable and is just out of control, my inclination is to agree with that. But the truth is, I have received nowhere near the share of pain and suffering that I deserve because Jesus took what I deserve so that I could have what he deserved for free. It is only because of the transformation that God has done in my life and in my heart that I am one who no longer sees myself as a victim. I can't be a victim. I am a child of the living God, and the battle ended when Jesus gave up his life for me to have an eternal one! "His power is made perfect in weakness"...from 2 Corinthians 12, and the passage that Pastor Chris told me to memorize to help cope with this chapter of my story, if only for my own sanity's sake. Because I'm willing to talk about how hard this road is for me right now, I get to tell people that I'm not surviving this on my own, and I subsequently get to tell them about the God that is carrying me through! I have numerous texts and online messages, some from people I've never met and some from people I've met but never expected to be invested in my life, about how my willingness to talk has strengthened their own walk with Christ. The story is still being played out, and God is already using it for something bigger than I ever could have pulled off or dreamed up on my own.
So get ready, y'all. Don't feel sorry for me a few months from now if I'm here to tell you the Botox has ended, even if I feel sorry for myself in the moment. Because if that's how this turns out, I know that out of the hopelessness of the moment will come a victory worthy of the King of Kings. I won't be surprised in the least if this video was just one part of God's way of preparing me for what's to come.
I guess I wasn't as out of words as I thought I was. :)
