Friday, May 29, 2009

Something must be wrong with me.

Or maybe something's wrong with her.

Either way, something is not right. Otherwise I'd be able to spend more than six hours with the saner of my two sisters and not be fuming angry and wish she weren't here.

As much as I get ignored on a daily basis when Holly isn't around, she shows up for a few days and it's like I don't even exist. She always gets treated like a princess. She's never made to own up to anything that she does. Stuff like that.

Today, my mom, Holly, and I stopped at Walgreens. Holly and I were waiting outside in the car and she's rambling on and on about people I don't know and the things she does when she's drunk, which she knows fully well that I don't give a crap about. I asked her to please just stop talking because I had a headache, and she snaps back, "My talking is not making you feel any worse, so just get over it!" I go inside to get the heck away from her. Holly comes in a bit later. I made this joking mocking motion about a truly idiotic thing she said, and she said "Don't do that to me." And to give her a taste of her own medicine, I said back, "My doing that motion is not doing anything to you, so get over it." INSTANTLY, my mom turns around and is like "Don't talk to her like that! I want Holly to come home!" Even though I had told her exactly what Holly said to me. But of course, I'm the bad kid.

Oh, and Holly dropping out of college because she's too busy getting drunk and high is apparently not a big deal. Every damn person in this family is making excuses for her and caught up in this "Oh poor Holly" act because of the remnants of the crap with her ex. She just needs to grow the hell up already. I don't believe for one short second that she's taking a semester off because she's "too stressed." She wasted this entire year first getting drunk and fighting with her then boyfriend, then getting drunk and high to forget about him! But no, no one's going to flat out tell her that she's just being a lazy bum, and I'm not allowed to say anything because "I don't know what she's been through." *gag* Oh, cry me a river!

Agh, she's in the living room laughing like a hyena with Matt right now, and as much as I want to be with him, I'm too infuriated to want to talk to her.

Okay. rant over.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Pro vs. Con

Let's talk about nebulizer treatments, people.

The pro:
Well, DUH! Anybody who knows what a nebulizer is and what albuterol is knows what the obvious pro is. It opens up my lungs and keeps me breathing, as opposed to, you know, not breathing.

The con:
With every pair of mountains, there is a valley in between. The "valley" of albuterol? The fact that it makes me absolutely wired so I can't sleep, my heart races, and my hands shake. Seeing as how I'm taking said treatments every two to three hours around the clock, a good night's sleep is kind of out of the question. Which is pretty bad considering my mom wants me to go to school in the morning, I'm supposed to be up in six hours (5:30 am), and this wired feeling won't wear off for at least 60-90 minutes.

But seeing as how these treatments are one of the things that are keeping me out of the hospital at the moment, I'll just have to take the bad with the good. (I honestly don't see how I'm going to be able to go to school in the morning, anyway.)


My mom stayed home today because apparently she has a more mild version of what I have, and we ended up going to my family doctor nearby because my ENT (an hour and a half away) is out till Tuesday. She wrote me Prednisone, which is great because that steroid always helps me to breathe better. However, I will have to go see my ENT on Tuesday to see where she wants to go from here.

I just want to feel better. It's really hard not to feel like "Why do so many bad things happen to me?! All I want to do is make it to my high school graduation, God!" It's hard not to be angry. I mean, I know that there are families who have been through much worse with their kids than what I've been through, but that doesn't make this frustration go away. I know that sounds a bit selfish. Selfishness is just part of human nature, I guess. No matter how hard I try not to think selfishly, when I feel this horribly, it just happens.

Okay, that's enough rambling for tonight. I'm gonna go lay down and listen to TV and hope that I will fall asleep faster than normal.

Not again...a prayer request.

This sickness is bad. My throat is swollen, my eyes are burning, I have constant hot flashes or chills, and can't go more than two hours without needing a breathing treatment. The sad and scary part is that I'm already on the strongest antibiotic my ENT could give me that wouldn't make me sick. That means it's probably viral.

My mom is calling the doctor tomorrow and asking her to write me some steroids that will at least save my asthma. She may want to see me in person, so my grandma said she'll take me if need be.

I'm scared I'm gonna end up in the hospital again. I don't want to go back to the hospital. I have two weeks till I graduate, and I desperately need those two weeks to go as smoothly as possible. Not to mention my mom can't afford to take time off work at all because her principal is on her back about her absences. I've been in the hospital before when my mom wasn't there, and I absolutely hated it. I don't want to have to do that again. I was terrified.

Like I said, I'm just scared. But I'm putting it all in God's hands (or at least trying to), for He knows what is going to happen to me and He has the perfect plan.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

On days like this, all you want is a hug.

It's just one freaking thing after another in my world. On top of these sinus migraines, I now have a dang throat infection. It's raw and burning and sore and basically feels like someone took a grater and scraped the inside of my throat starting up on the roof of my mouth alllllllllll the way down. And the ironic thing is that this only started at like 5:00 yesterday.

I couldn't sleep last night because I kept feeling like I was going to choke to death, so I basically got a whopping total of three hours of sleep before a long day of school and physical therapy. *sad*

And on top of the joys of that, I found out today that I have a quiz on the final seven chapters of Jane Eyre tomorrow. Everyone else found out on Friday. Because I didn't go participate in "Senior Fun Day", I stayed in the library straight through from 2nd period into 3rd. And so they had a few minutes at the beginning of third and they found out, and my oh-so-thoughtful English declined to mention the quiz to me when I saw her three other times that day. Gah. That means I have to read 104 pages tonight and I really don't feel like doing a single thing because I'm in so much pain.

And I'm going to have to bust my butt from now till June 7th at 8 pm to recover from the major procrastination I've done in my online AP Euro History class. Except I don't have time for it tonight because I have to read! Remind me to never take an online class ever again, kay?


Monday, May 25, 2009

I did it.

Not really sure why, but I did.

I finally told Matt that I have really strong feelings for him. I didn't mention "the L word" because I really didn't want to freak him out too badly. And frankly, this was the best reaction I could've asked for (aside from, ya know, him telling me he's in love with me). I explained that the only reason why I never told him before how I felt (like when he was actually single) was because guys always tend to awkward when they don't like a girl and she says that, and I was really afraid of losing him. He said that when people do that, it's like punishing someone for the way they feel, and you can't help having feelings for someone. So I basically have had no reason to worry, ever. Go figure. But he knows, and he's okay, and it was pretty much the reaction that I was expecting, so I'm okay. At least it's done and over with.

We actually spent a while talking about relationships in general, as well. And he said that even though I feel this strongly about him now, I'm going to get college and just be shocked about how many other chill, accepting, caring and friendly guys there are out there. He thought that Nicole (his 3-year high school girlfriend) was going to be "the one" for him and then he got to college and dumped her within a week.

It's weird. My mom has told me the same stuff before, but it always seems more real coming from him. Less mom-like, you know?

Oh, and I also told him that he's basically the only real friend I've got, and he realized that was why I feel so attached to him. He gets everything. And more importantly, he doesn't get defensive or angry about it.

So yeah, I'm good.

Kind of.

You know what the scary part is? Hearing all the stuff he said today made me fall even harder.

But time heals all wounds....I hope.

Oh, and since I showed you a picture of us from last year, this is what we look like today.

Isn't that second one especially attractive? ;)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Yay for presents!

My grandmother is awesome. Seriously.

She bought me a very very very nice laptop and new printer (the printer my mom got me was faulty so we had no printer in the house) as my graduation present.

I am so EXCITED. I've spent the past like four hours downloading messenger and toolbars and microsoft and loading up the printer and just playing on it. I LOVE IT. It's going to be great to have at Campbell, especially since most of the classrooms have wireless hook-up and plugs for you to plug in your laptop in class, and I type wayyyy faster than I write so it'll be much easier to take notes. (And it has a real number key pad unlike most laptops, which means I can type in French accent codes when need be with ease.)

AND I got my bedding for my dorm room.

AND I got to go to Olive Garden.

Totally awesome day, I tell ya.

And I get to see Matt tomorrow. For the first time since December. :) But that's beside the point.

Friday, May 22, 2009


UPDATE: I just got an email from my online class teacher, and she informed me that there is NO final exam for AP European History because it's not written into the course. This means I don't have to take any finals! YAY! *dances*

I'm so tired of being tired. I just want to sleep all the time, which isn't really convenient when you have classes to go to. Thank heavens this weekend is Memorial Day which means that I get an extra day off. AND I found out that because I took the AP US History exam, I'm exempt from the regular final in the class. Yippee! I know it would be a killer. Too bad I'll still have to take my AP European History one. Oh well.

This means, not counting today:

13 days till classes are over
17 days till exams are over
20 days till graduation
23 days till my graduation/birthday/scholarship celebration
24 days till my seventeenth birthday

Let's all shout "YIPPEE!"


Here's my ironic story of the week. I got my CT scan results back. My brain is totally fine. The injury has made no lasting damage. BUT my sinuses are absolutely horrible. My ENT apparently fixed the breathing part, but she didn't fix the draining part. So the right side of my sinuses? Yeah, they're completely swollen shut. Again.

Not totally sure what the solution will be. She's put me on yet another antibiotic (what's this - number 20 since fall?) and stuck a suction tube up the left side of my nose so far I thought I could feel it in my throat. NOT COOL. And when she put the lidocaine strips to numb my nose up, one of them was so soaked that it dripped on my lips and in my mouth and I choked for like 3 minutes straight. Not being able to feel your lips or half your tongue is really weird, in case you were wondering.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I hate teenagers. I really, really do. And it takes a lot for me to hate anyone. I don't hold grudges. I'm used to people at school talking crap about me, so it normally doesn't even bother me. But sometimes, it builds up to the point where I just break. That kinda happened today.

Today in homeroom, I was talking to the one kid in my grade that I actually trust, Chris. We ended up getting on the subject of how mean and cruel a lot of the kids we know can be. He told me that Friday in first period when I nearly passed out in the bathroom and the teacher came to help me, two kids, Brian and Kristen, started talking crap about how I was faking it for attention because I always want to be the center of everything and that I can make myself feel dizzy (yeah right). They even asked the girl who found me if she thought I was faking, but she ignored them.

Well, how fantastic was it that right after homeroom I had to face Brian in 4th period. *note sarcasm* I was fuming. He's been talking crap about me all semester and harassing me even though I don't bother him. ever. I don't talk to him. I don't initiate any contact. And Kristen's had a problem with me since I was 5, so I knew she hated me, but this year she's never been particularly hateful towards me. The first twenty minutes of 4th period I was still furious, but then I finally decided to just go up to the office and talk to a counselor. I really didn't know what I should do. I started explaining eveerything to her, and I just unexpectedly started sobbing. She went and got an assistant principal, Mr. Bailey, and they were soooo nice. They reassured me that I just didn't deserve this, and that they'd take care of Brian and Kristen. And the counselor called Chris up there and heard him tell it, just so I had some proof to be on the safe side.

I don't really know what they're going to do, but I'm just relieved that they were on my side. Nobody in my school has any idea what I go through every day just to be able to make it through my classes. They don't even try to get it. That's why I don't talk to anyone really. And then they tell me that I think I'm better than them just because I'm quiet. And if I talk I'm being annoying. It's just like I CAN'T WIN. No wonder I get along so well with people that are like 3 years older than me. And I always have.

So needless to say, it was a rather cathartic afternoon.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Teenage love.

I am in such a blah mood today. There is so much going on in my head, and after the past couple weeks that I've had, I just feel like I don't even have the energy to deal with any of it. I'm just hoping that blogging about it will help me figure out what to do, or at least let me take a breath and relax. You know what the bizarre thing about it is? Even though my family is still totally messed up, what's hurting me most right now has nothing to do with them.

There's this boy. His name is Matt. I've known him since I was 10 in 6th grade and he was 13 in 8th grade. We were in middle school orchestra together. I just thought he was the coolest kid ever because he was so unbelievably talented. And he was friendly, too, when I've never had really good luck at making friends with guys, like ever. Of course, when I got into 7th grade and he went to 9th, we didn't really talk as much, but we still kept in contact every once in a while.

But when I got in 9th grade and he was a junior, it was like nothing had ever changed. We were in the marching band pit together, and so we basically spent every day together. And after marching band season, when the guy I was crazy about at the time began emotionally and verbally abusing me and basically destroyed me, he was the one person who was there throughout it that didn't get mad that I was too blind to see what the other guy was doing to me. Our friendship just grew and grew from there, and it got even better when I moved into a house that was about a 2 minute walk from his house. I was there when he was dealing with his crazy girlfriend for 3 years. We told each other everything, and he spent so much time at my house that my mom began treating him like a son. When I was a freshman, I told him that I had a crush on him, but he just said he was still in love with his girlfriend (that he was taking a break from at the time) and we both forgot it happened. He's the one guy I've ever known that doesn't get all awkward when they hear a girl they don't like likes them. Then, he graduated and broke up with his longtime girlfriend. I was so proud of him. Frankly, at the time, I was scared I was going to lose him because of the distance, but the day of his going-away party the week before he left for school, I had a seizure and on the way back to my house he promised me that nothing would ever change.

And then, he got a girlfriend. A girlfriend who hated me. A girlfriend who saw every other girl as a threat, no matter how many times Matt and I both told her that we were just friends. For Christmas, he convinced her to help him and my sister paint my room and furniture that was a present. (Still not sure how he ever did that, probably the thought of the money.) A few weeks later, I said something to a friend, Shannon, that the girlfriend had said about a girl she and Matt knew (that Shannon also knew) and when Matt and the girlfriend found out, they were so furious that Matt didn't speak to me for five months. I was absolutely distraught, even though I knew I deserved it. But in June, when the girlfriend broke up with him, I knew I just had to call him to make sure he was okay because I had seen how crazy he was about her. He told me then that the only reason he didn't talk to me for so long was because she wouldn't let him.

Things became perfect again. And it was just in time for my 16th birthday. That day, I was stuck at home alone all day taking care of my sick mom and the dogs. I was so upset because the day had sucked so bad. He came over at 11:30 after a long day at work and band practice when he was absolutely exhausted because he knew I needed him. We sat there for two hours talking. That night, I saw him cry for the first time in six years. It was then and there that I knew I was in love with him. How? Because when I watched him cry, I actually could feel myself hurting with him. I've never had happen with anyone other than family. And it pretty much scared the hell out of me. But I didn't say anything because I was so afraid of losing him. He was the only real friend I had, and I was so scared that I'd lose him. At that point, things were so bad with my family that he was the only person I felt like I could trust, and I knew that I would do anything possible to keep that with me.

Now I know that I should've taken hold of that opportunity when I had the chance. Because six months later, he had another girlfriend. Things were fine for a while, just like normal. But when he came home for Spring Break in mid-March, I don't know, things were just different. I don't know why I thought so, but you know how sometimes you can just tell? He kept putting off seeing me claiming he was busy, even though he found the time to see everyone else. It was just small stuff like that. And then after he went back, I kept trying to contact him and never got a word. I tried phone, Myspace, and Facebook and not a word. And so I just naturally (or what I think was naturally) came to the conclusion that he's ignoring me to try and get rid of me. I sent him what I planned on being one final text message today, and that finally got his attention. Here's how our convo went, word for word.

Me: Just so you know, I don't appreciate or deserve this. You act like you just want me to give up so I might as well.

Matt: Who's this?

Me: Mallory. What - you deleted me?

Matt: Mallory? Last name?

Me: Jxxxx. *edited for privacy*

Matt: Oo! I didn't have your number for one due to a new phone and two, if that's what you think that's what you think.

Me: Well I've only tried to contact you about 15 times that you never answered. It's an understandable reaction.

Matt: I haven't seen. So...I don't know what to tell you...

Me: Okay. I was just getting frustrated cause it felt like you were ignoring me for ages. How are you?

Matt: Busy as ****.

Me: Go figure. You told my mom you were coming back to Swansboro this week?

Matt: I'm here now, but I'm busy now lol.

Me: Lol, oh. When are you leaving? I really miss just seeing you.

Matt: I'm leaving June 15.

Me: My birthday! I have my grad party the day before.

Matt: I might make the grad party cause school starts the 15th. So...I gotta see. I'ma try and make it if I can.

Me: Okay. What are you taking summer school for?

Matt: To graduate in 4 years. Trust me, if I didn't have to I wouldn't.

Me: Haha, well, I knew that part. You forget how well I know you. :P What are you doing today?

I know I should be mad at him. I know I need to be mad at him because you don't ignore someone that you call one of your best friends for six weeks. Shannon told me that I need to just forget him and move onto the guys I'll meet at college because I "deserve better", but even thinking about that prospect kills me. There's so much history here, so many feelings. I don't even feel like there could be "better." He's the one guy in this godforsaken town that doesn't judge you based on whether or not you look like a cheerleader. He makes me feel special. He makes me feel important. I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him and be out-of-this-world happy. Sixteen year old girls aren't supposed to be thinking that!

And the even more depressing part about it is that, after having these feelings for him for two and a half years, he still hasn't gotten it yet, which is odd since my family has always told me that subtlety has never been my strong point. Hah, guys are so dense.

Basically, my dilemma boils down to this: I don't want to put up with crap, but I feel like quitting this relationship now would be a rash decision. And on the other hand, I don't want this to turn into what happened with the guy that Matt had to protect me from when I was a freshman. (see above)

I know some people believe that someone my age can't know what love is, or you can't really be in love with someone unless they're in love with you, too, but I know without a doubt that I am in love with Matt. As much as I wish I wasn't, I am.

Ugh. This just sucks.

Any advice you smarter, worldlier women want to give is fine with me.

And I'll leave you with a picture, taken last August at my house.

And in case you didn't get it, yes, that's him.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

CT Scan tomorrow

Silly me, I completely forgot the fact that the people at the imaging clinic can't read the scans. I'll get the results sometime by the middle of next week, I think.

Oh, and I got injected with iodine for the first time today. It's weird, I've had probably two dozen CT scans (at least) in my life, and they've never done that before. It wasn't bad, really. It just made me feel like my crotch was on fire. That was bizarre. Hahaha.

This morning while I was getting ready for school, I got so dizzy and lightheaded that I just had to lay down, and I couldn't get out of bed for almost an hour. My mom spent all day on the phone trying to figure out what to do. My neurologist at Duke's PA called, and she said they really want me to get a CT Scan/Shunt Series and go up to see them, especially since this only started after I hit my head twice and it's been quite a while since we've been up there. So my grandma is taking me to get the scan done tomorrow morning, and then I have an appointment at Duke on June 3rd. (That worked perfectly since that's the one day my mom doesn't have to give an exam.)

So, uh, yeah. That's about it. Please pray that everything turns out okay with this scan, and I really am just an over-stressed, over-worrying girl. :-) I'll update you sometime tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

And so it begins...

And by "it" I mean the beginning of Chelsea's inconsiderate, selfish, lying, evil phase. See, I realized that even though the past few days have been okay, Chelsea always acts fantastic the first few days to make us believe that she's changed till she knows she's actually allowed to stay. Then comes out the real Chelsea. Guess what I came home to? A giant pot of homemade spaghetti sauce that my mom spent a ton of time making left out on the stove with the lid off. Food trash in my bed. (Apparently she thought me leaving my computer unlocked for her today meant that my room was free range for her. Yeah, right.) The house that she cleaned yesterday a complete disaster. And on top of that, she's not home when she was supposed to be. My mom's friend was taking her out again today to apply for jobs, and she should've been home around four. She's still not. My mom is guessing she somehow got to meet up with one of her friends. AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

This is the fifth day my head has been getting worse. And my mom is so totally stuck on the fact that it's just a migraine from stress (which doesn't even make sense because I haven't been even thinking about stress lately) and that even though my neurologist thought that we should go up there (3 hrs away) to their ER, they won't do anything, that she's basically just telling me to suck it up and deal with it. *sigh* Okay, I have a really strong ability to deal with simple pain like headaches. When I cry all the way to school and can't even focus on physical therapy, you know it's bad. But whatever. I guess I will just have to deal with it.

I got a 100 on my French IV test today. I originally thought I wasn't going to do that great because of how badly my head was killing me by last period, but it was one of the easiest tests I've taken in four semesters of this class. :)

Okay, this is all I have. I'm going to go eat a single-serving pizza, take a shower, and lay down with a heating pad wrapped around my head (mom's suggestion) till Dancing with the Stars.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Oy vey.

That seems to be my new phrase. I just keep saying it for some reason.

Well, last night Chelsea called at like 1:30. She was screaming like a banshee that her roommate "beat the @!*$ out of her" and so of course my mom goes and gets her from her neighbor's house. I heard that and I thought that she was like in serious trouble, so I'm totally freaked out. She gets home, and she's fine enough that at first glance you couldn't even tell she's injured. All that's wrong is that she's got a few bruises and her shoulder hurts. Go freakin' figure.

Now this means that my mom broke like glass and Chelsea is living with us now. And apparently, I'm not allowed to be upset, even though I'm the one who went to her in tears last weekend begging her not to do this.

I'm the good kid, and yet my feelings are never considered. Ever.

Chelsea's the bad one, she gets hundreds of chances, and yet I'm the good kid and I get one.

THIS IS SO UNFAIR. I thought that starting this weekend I was FINALLY going to get to relax. WRONG. Apparently, I'm not going to get to remotely relax until I leave for college.

It's just not fair. I deserve to have these three months go well. Things are never well when Chelsea's around. And yet it seems that I'm the only one who's not stupid enough to believe that this time is going to be different than any of the other hellacious times that my mom let her stay and then quickly regretted it.


Friday, May 8, 2009

I survived!

The most stressful week of my high school career, that is.

Four AP exams.

(*For those who don't know for whatever reason, AP is for Advancement Placement. AP classes are college-level classes that are taught at my high school. Each AP class has an exam that is optional for you to take each May. My mom made me take all four of mine.)

Let me just say that I have never been more excited for Friday afternoon in my entire life. On top of the stress of these three-hour tests, I didn't get a good night's sleep all week. Last night I was so tired that I snapped at my mom and then broke down crying for no reason. It was so hard not to fall asleep during the tests, but thankfully I work fast so I could sleep while I waited for the others to finish the first part, and then leave as soon as I finished the second.

But today, today was the absolute worst. Two in one day. I barely got a lunch break in. And then after I finished the second, I had to go to French. AND during the first test, our fire alarm went off. That was grand.

Haha, so my French teacher also taught my sister, Holly. At the end of class, I told him about her fantastic new college plans (dropping out). The guy freaked! But it's out of love, I promise. He told me he was going to slap her at my graduation. :P If you knew Mr. Laughinghouse, you'd know this is hysterical, so just trust me.

Basically, I just can't wait to graduate. I may have said this before, but I'm just so tired of going to school, not even really talking to anyone, and still having people talk crap about me. I just want to scream at them that they have no idea what I go through every day of my life, but I just sit there and roll my eyes because I don't know what else to do. And of course, my teachers don't say anything about it. *sigh*

I've found a new favorite dessert. (Just what I need, another dessert, hah.) Lemon pound cake topped with strawberries soaked in their juice and sugar. My mom made it (or I should say, put it together) when her best friend came over yesterday. I've always loved strawberries.

Okay, that's about it. I'm sitting here chewing gum and watching House. I'm happy.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

yay babies!

Okay, so I'm not really around babies that much. Never have been. I'm the youngest in my family, and the extended family on my dad's side, and I was only 6 when my mom's brother and his wife had a baby, so I don't even really remember what that was like.
Well, yesterday, I got visited by a longtime family friend who had twins 6 weeks ago. :) And then today, my mom's best friend came over with her 3 month old, Abby Grace. So I was in baby heaven. It was the perfect way to relax from all these AP exams this week.

I have pictures! Of the twins. I forgot to take pictures today.

You wanna see? You know you do.
peyton elizabeth and logan thomas.


They were soooooo precious! I've always known I wanted to be a mom, but being around them at this point in life, where I'm really thinking about the future makes me that much more sure of it. (And for any parents reading this blog---don't worry! It won't be for at least 8 years.)
Oh, and you finally get to see pictures of my new glasses and hair, though my hair is rather messy in these. Sorry about that. ;)

Monday, May 4, 2009

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Friday, I totally did not slam my head twice in one day. I have great peripheral vision and common sense and would never have let this happen.

Yesterday, I did not collapse on the bathroom floor, feeling like the world was spinning, all because of some stupid (yet extreme!) gas pains. I have the health strength to handle anything!

I have not been disgustingly sweaty all day. I always have a normal body temperature and never sit in my English class wiping profusely at my face with my shirt while trying to take a test because sweat is pouring off my face. Never!

I did not just attempt to make myself a grilled cheese sandwich. I know full well after 16 years that I can not cook, and would never attempt to do something I know would end in a mess. But even if I had made that grilled cheese sandwich, I would have at least had the ability to flip it over, the bottom piece of bread would not have flown off in that process, the bread would not have gotten all smushed together, and there would not be melted cheese on one of my mom's favorite frying pans and our stove right now. No way. I'm much more capable than that.

I did not steal some Ferrero Rocher candies from my mom's room when she wasn't there. I didn't know that she never keeps count of how many are left, giving me great reason to take one every once in a while. I never steal anything! Especially not chocolate.

I did not laugh to myself when my French teacher went off at the morons in class today. I did not feel sorry for my school when I realized that the seniors are causing all the trouble, even though they're supposed to be adults.

I did not spend my entire Distance Learning class period today doing everything but Distance Learning work. I am a perfect student who never goes on other sites during class and always keeps up with my work.

Uh huh.

So what have you NOT done this week?

No wonder.

I'm sitting in my Distance Learning class right now, listening to two guys next to me reading books on sex and laughing like 6-year-old morons. It's stuff like this that helps me remember that the reason I've only had one boyfriend in high school is because I don't want a boyfriend in this school. No freakin' wonder. They're such immature idiots 99% of the time. Maybe when I get to college I'll actually find a guy that is mature enough to not giggle at the word "penis."


I have no idea why, but I'm absolutely burning up today. I'm soaked in sweat, and my school is the same temperature it always is. I just can't wait to get home and go to sleep. I only got not even four hours of sleep last night, so I'm totally exhausted. Thank goodness my mom keeps the thermostat on 68 Fahrenheit. Otherwise I'd be burning up all day.


Something I've somehow forgotten to mention over the past week...Stellan is home now! YAY JESUS! I've become strangely attached to a family I don't know. Then again, I'm not the only one. This woman, Stellan's mom, has followers all over the globe. (Go check out his name gallery, you'll see the proof!) I always look forward to her updates, and follow her on Twitter. It's crazy, but I've completely fallen in love with this sweet family. And I've gotten some awesome friends through that site, too, so that's another plus!


Okay, so I don't know if this is necessarily good news or not, but Chelsea is not moving back in with us. She was at our house this past weekend, and not even an hour had passed before she was back screaming and fussing just like the old Chelsea. She claimed she had changed so much, and for a while, I thought I was the only one who didn't believe her. I can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth.

It seriously was just the weekend from hell, just like my life used to be when I had to live in the same house as her. And when my mom told she wasn't allowed to move in next weekend because of how horrible she was, she started screaming and crying about this sob story about how her supposed best friend starves her and attacks her and all this other stuff. Part of me has a hard time believing it, because she has a similar sob story from every other place she's lived. And then again, a part of me believes, because let's just say Chelsea doesn't pick the greatest people in the world to associate herself with.

So, I don't know. My mom and I are both really torn. I want to help her, but I'm not willing to have my stress level go through the roof, and end up fighting with my mom, and just basically being really depressed the last three months I have with my mom. I just won't. I haven't done anything wrong, and neither has my mom, and we don't deserve to suffer because of her. When my mom and I are alone, we get along 98% of the time. When Chelsea's in the house, we're fighting half the time. And it's just not worth it. Does that make me a selfish person? Maybe, but when it comes to my mom, I think I deserve to be.


My head is still killing me. I really need this massive headache to go away so I can think on those AP exams. Really.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

strange coincidence of the week


No hospital visit. Mom is adamant that they won't do anything. Now I just really need this pain to go away. I have four AP exams this week, and if I'm in this much pain there will be no way I can focus enough to do well.


Okay, so get this: Yesterday morning, I was walking to the library, and as I was turning to grab the door, some guy comes running out and slams the big wooden door straight into the side of my head. Then, yesterday afternoon, I was sitting in bed propped up by a pillow and my beanbag-like-chair. I lean up to fix my pillow, and slam the top of my head straight into the wall.

That's two head-slams in like seven hours.

So since yesterday afternoon, I've had the worst headache I've had since my shunt got put in six and a half years ago. And I've taken some of my mom's Hydrocodone and the pain hasn't changed at all.

I think everything is fine, and it probably is, but my mom and I are still wondering if I need to go to the hospital to get checked out. So any prayers that everything is fine with my head/brain and that the pain will go away soon would be much appreciated.

And yeah, I know...It's just one thing after another with me.