And it's only Wednesday.

Sunday was the first seizure I've had since February 2nd. That was the longest streak I'd had since this whole mess started back in September 2013. And this seizure was a bad one - my mom said it was top 5 of the worst she's ever seen me have. And it was in the shower, one of the worst possible places to have one. Especially because it means that my still recovering foot was unprotected, save for the waterproof cover I put over it in the shower, and slammed directly into the wall of the tub when I slipped out of my shower chair. So that was bad enough.

Then, Monday morning, I got up out of my recliner to go let my barking dogs out, I was adjusting my knee on my scooter, my scooter went backward, I went forward, and I fell forward to the ground directly on top of the metal bars of my scooter. That left my leg looking like this.

Actually, that's what my leg looks like tonight, after it's had about 60 hours of icing and elevation. Monday morning, it was even bigger and looked like it had Jello in it. Yeah. I actually went to Urgent Care yesterday evening because I couldn't get into an orthopedic doctor anywhere (my primary care doesn't have an x-ray machine) and was seriously afraid that I had fractured something. As it turns out, I just have the world's worst bone bruise on both of my leg bones. And I also have to get an ultrasound because the doc is slightly concerned about a blood clot in my leg for a few different reasons, so that's fun.

This coming Monday is supposed to be the "get the bandages off, yay I can start walking and getting it wet again" post-op appointment for my foot. I am just praying that neither of these nasty falls did any damage to my foot that would prolong my recovery. I don't think they did, but you never know with me. I can't do anything simply. It's like my body waited until the final week to start self-destructing.

It's been a rough week. I'm tired.

Ah, peace and quiet. How I've missed you.

I don't know what is up with me this week, but all I want to do is sleep.

Actually, I probably do know what is up with me.

1. Anxiety over the future has hit now that graduation is over. Surprise, surprise.

2. I chipped a bone in my foot Sunday and probably also pulled a ligament in my ankle so now I'm on painkillers and muscle relaxers.

3. The roommate moved out for good so I no longer have to deal with her blasting her absolutely atrocious rap music all the dang time so loud you can hear it from the front door of my building (not kidding. I went to get food late one night and could hear her music as soon as I unlocked the main door, and there's a second door, and I live on the second floor, and her room is the furthest away from the stairs. and it was like 2 am.) She was, suffice it to say, a very selfish and inconsiderate roommate, and Holly and I are both relieved she's gone. The super could put someone new in her room, but he hasn't said anything yet, and I know he'll give us advanced notice.

(I actually had a nightmare that I came home one day and the roommate had moved back in. Talk about dread.)

Spring TV is ending this week. Guess there's no excuse for me not to start job hunting now, is there?

If only my body would stay awake long enough to do it.

I've already won.

Did you know that nerves can get contusions? Because I didn't. At least, I didn't until a nerve in my leg got a contusion. And you know what is really unpleasant? Bending your knee and feeling like someone is trying to cut your leg in half.

People think I'm so brave and so strong all the time, but it's times like this where I feel like they're nuts because I'm just. so. tired. This is the same knee/leg that just recovered from a severe sprain like a week and a half ago. I texted Clayton and told him that just when it feels like my life can't get any more frustrating, it does.

How I feel right now is exactly how I felt my last semester at Campbell: all I want to do is just make it to graduation and it feels like every possible thing in the universe is trying to get in the way of it. I try not to be self-pitying, but sometimes I wish that things would come easily for me just once. Just once. Everything feels like a battle and I'm so tired.

But it's a good thing that I don't serve a God who is dependent on feelings. The God that I serve stays the same, the one constant that I have in a world where everything changes and I control next to none of it. The God that I know has plans that are far above my understanding and doesn't do anything by mistake. That is the one hope and promise that I have to hold on to when everything feels like it's beating me down, like the stress is winning and I'm losing.

Here's the thing I struggle to remember, though - I can't lose. I can't lose because the battle was won 2000 years ago when a man the world thought was dead got up out of a tomb and left death in his place. The battle was won when prophecy was fulfilled and the men who thought they were killing Jesus were completing everything that had been foretold centuries before. The battle is over. We won. That's what Easter is all about. The Lord has already fought for me, I need only to be still. (I'm not very good at that, if you haven't noticed.)

Hope is all I have when things feel like they're too much. But here's what my friend Jon says in "The Wall" that seems perfectly fitting for me right now. Maybe you need it, too.

With God, what seems like a hopeless situation is not only possible, it's favorable, because only God can turn a mess into a message. Only God can turn a trial into a triumph, a test into a testimony, and a victim into a victory. His power is made perfect in weakness, so let us rejoice in our trials and hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, because He who promised is faithful, was faithful, and will always be faithful, no matter how hopeless the situation.

Even when it feels like everything is going wrong, He is faithful.

Thank God for that.

Lucky, lucky me!

You know what's better than a severely twisted ankle?

A severely twisted ankle and a possibly torn meniscus.

You know what's better than a severely twisted ankle and a possibly torn meniscus?

A severely twisted ankle and a possibly torn meniscus on opposite legs.

Yeah. Because I can't do anything simply, a seizure that I had on Friday ended up with me twisting my right ankle and my left knee. Thankfully the ankle is only twisted, but I'm off to the sports medicine doctor tomorrow to get my knee examined further. Hopefully this doc is nicer to me than he was when he treated me for my shoulder.

In happier news, tonight I got to do something really fun. A friend of mine, Eddie, whom I met through Holly, came over to the apartment tonight and filmed me for a documentary he's making on people's experiences with dating apps. I had a couple funny stories to share, so he asked me to be a part of it. The coolest part is that he works for The Huffington Post! Look, Ma, I'm famous! (Kidding.) He's also gonna look for an actor so that we can actually act out/recreate one of my stories I tell in the video. Two words: foot fetish.

The roommate was here while we were doing this, so she took a few pictures of the setup and us filming. I want to remember this; I mean, how often does a girl get asked to do something like this?

I think it went well, too. I got kind of nervous right before we started filming, but I noticed while I was talking that Eddie was having to force himself not to bust out laughing, so apparently my storytelling skills were successful.

That hour while he was here was the one break I had today from thinking about how much pain I'm in, so I'm really thankful for that.

My luck is just that awesome.

I was able to go back to work today, and I was actually very happy about it.

About an hour and fifteen minutes before my shift ended, the heavy drawer next to my register that holds all my bags fell off its hinges and landed on my foot and ankle.

My right foot and ankle.

AKA the foot and ankle that I injured a few weeks ago.

So I got to learn all about worker's comp and take another trip to the hospital only to find out that I basically have bruises on bruises. That was fun. (She says sarcastically.)

At least it's not broken.

Warning: Does not work well with others.

Maybe it's because my hormones are all out of whack this past week.

Or because I'm a control freak.

Or because my two group partners do not speak English very well which makes it hard for them to communicate and be understood.

Or because maybe I'm not overreacting and one of them really was getting some twisted enjoyment out of questioning every. single. thing. I said and suggested.

Or a combination of all of these things!

But seriously, this group project for my Foreign Policy class drove me insane. I am so glad that as soon as we get through the presentation on Wednesday, this thing is behind me and the next project for this class is SOLO. I like just doing things myself and not having to get everything I write down cleared by someone else.

The good news of the day is that I got my MRI and there is no major damage to my ankle, just a lot of swelling, particularly around the Achilles tendon, that is taking a sweet forever to go away. So I just need to keep wearing the boot and icing and elevating it as much as possible until it gets better. Hooray for nothing worse than that.

Careful what you wish for!

I was dreading going to work today.

10 mg Vicodin pills can apparently still kick my butt.

But I went.

Only to find out that my boss wouldn't let me work because I didn't have a permission letter from my doctor for my ankle injury.

So now I'm missing two more days of work, because I can't do a shift until that letter gets there so I can't work tomorrow either because obviously I can't get one from him on the weekend.

Basically, today I was simultaneously happy I didn't have to work and frustrated that I couldn't. I'm an enigma, I know.

Oh well. "Serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and all that.

Someone got grandma her cane!

No seriously, I have a cane now.

I went to get my X-rays this afternoon, just like the doc ordered.

Then, I tried to get pain meds from the doc, but she told me I'd have to go to Urgent Care to get some. So I went to Urgent Care.

Urgent Care nurse practitioner literally shuddered and almost screamed when I took the air cast off and showed her my ankle.

She went and looked at the X-rays and said she didn't see a fracture, but she thought there was likely a small one under all the swelling and bone bruising, told me my doc would call me when she could look at them.

She wanted to put me on crutches, telling me I definitely needed to stay off this leg for a while. I told her that was pretty much physically impossible for me, especially in a city I have to get around on foot.

She went to grab the sports medicine doctor, couldn't find him but brought in another doctor. Doctor checked me out, said the pressure and swelling and worst bruising from the injury is right on my tibia and if I don't relieve the pressure of walking on it, I could easily fracture my tibia, so I definitely need to lessen the pressure on it.

NP told him why I couldn't use crutches, asked him if a walking boot would be enough. He said no, but we have canes which would be better than nothing.

Boom. So I have an ace bandage to try to relieve some of the swelling, the air cast to serve as a brace, and a cane for support on the right side.

Because I can't do anything at all on a small scale ever.

But hey, I also have some Vicodin.

Neither of these are April Fool's jokes.

#1: I have to get X-rays tomorrow. I had an appointment with my primary doc today, because I needed a new prescription and I needed a referral from her before I go to the hospital on Friday. But today, getting out and walking to class, my leg and ankle have been hurting worse and worse, and the bruising is also getting worse, so I decided to get her to look at it while I was there and see if she thought it was just bruised or if I needed to do something else. So I pulled my sock and shoe off and she exclaimed, "Girl, that should have been the FIRST thing you came to see me for today!" Yeah...so I have what's called an air cast, which basically just serves as a brace for support, and orders to go to the health center's radiology department for X-rays tomorrow to make sure there's no small fracture in there or anything because, well, limbs just aren't supposed to look or feel like this. Needless to say, I won't be drinking again for a while.

#2: Mom will be here Sunday-Friday next week for her Spring Break. Granted, at least the first day and a half I'll be in the hospital and then I have to deal with class and work, but still. I get to see her. She's coming HERE. Holly offered to buy her a plane ticket - Mom said no because by this point tickets are way expensive - Holly said "screw that" and bought her one anyway. The one thing I really want to do is take her by the dance studio.

So at least it wasn't all bad news today. :)

Isn't this pretty?

I didn't realize until today just how bad off the lower half of my right calf and my ankle and foot are. Because yesterday, I just thought I was sore. Today, it's like all of that is just one giant bruise.

And those were taken before I put my ice pack on it and my calf turned greenish-purple.

Also: notice the awesome sock tan line...

Yeah. Like I always say, there's a reason my parents didn't name me Grace. It's like they knew. I'm hoping these are all just swollen bruises, and that nothing is seriously wrong in there because...this is a big city...yeah.

Needless to say, thank the good Lord I have a doctor's note telling my bosses to let me sit down at work, because I definitely never would have made it through work today.

Also a great point of gratitude: my cortisol test came back normal. We'll repeat it at the end of April, but for now, it looks like I am in the clear. I'm so thankful for the army I had backing me up through all of this, the ones keeping me in check and being confident when I freaked out.

I was absolutely beat today, so it's time for a good night's rest. I've got a lot of school work to do tomorrow.

Needless to say, I took a cab home.

With all the ice and snow outside, I've been super careful in trying to protect myself while traversing this wintry land to which I am not accustomed. I'm always careful when stepping off of curbs because  I have issues with depth perception so I have to be really sure of where I'm placing my foot, but even more so when I know puddles and whatnot can be waiting for me on the road.

I got to a curb to cross the street to get back to the subway station on the way home after this extra EU class this morning. I looked down and saw what I thought was just smooth road. I saw no signs of ice whatsoever. So I stepped and BOOM. My foot completely flew out from under me. The ice had apparently formed so smooth and slick on the road that I couldn't even see it. I knew as soon as I put my foot down what I was stepping on, but by that point, it was too late.

The good news is I didn't hit my head and I didn't damage my computer. The bad news is CONCRETE HURT ME. I wasn't seriously injured, I just messed up my back a bit, but OW. Luckily for me, my manager was super understanding and wasn't upset that I called out of work tonight, but considering how hard it was just to get up the stairs to my apartment, I knew there was no way that I could stand up for eight hours.

Tomorrow will be a day of rest in hopes that I can make it through church and work on Sunday with minimal problems.

If it didn't hurt so bad, it'd be AFV worthy.

So, um, OUCH.

I've been doing so well taking care of myself while the roommate has been at class/in the library and Holly's been at work, especially considering my right arm has so much nerve damage and my left arm is still strapped to my stomach.

Well, that ended today.

Holly bought Chinese food on Monday night because she was craving egg drop soup for her sore throat. Of course there were plenty of leftovers. So today, I decided to heat up the rest of the chicken and vegetables. I accidentally heated it a little too much - mistake numero uno.

I went to sit down. The plate slipped, and then there was scalding hot Chinese food and soy sauce all over me. It was so hot that I immediately tried to get up, but with the messed up footrest and my sling, getting up isn't a very easy process so I was sort of scooting out but also freaking out because it was SO HOT.

You know what happened next, as if this wasn't unfortunate enough? Well, you see, the right arm/side of my recliner has been messed up ever since the chair got warped in the storage unit summer of 2013 when the unit flooded. So it's been loose, but the chair still worked fine. Well, with me, a big girl, freaking out trying desperately to stand up and get out of the chair, it broke. And when the arm fell out, it really broke. Like completely fell over. And when the arm fell over, since the arm is connected to the whole wooden side of the chair, the whole chair collapsed. So I almost fell on the floor in my messy disaster.

Luckily, the arm didn't totally separate from the chair, so when I got up, I was able to stand the chair back up, but needless to say I won't be sitting in it for a while. Our super is incredibly handy, so we're going to ask him after Thanksgiving, like Friday, if he can maybe drill in some screws to hold it in place or something. I don't know, we'll see. If not, I may just resort to duct tape until I can afford a new recliner because a) I love that recliner and b) sleeping in my bed with this sling really hurts because I can't turn over and c) this couch is not very comfortable.

But hey, at least I only got two small burns out of the whole ordeal, one on my stomach and one on my thigh. It could have been a lot worse.

Brrrr.

I went to bed at 10:30 because I was tired.

I skipped blogging because I was tired.

I didn't fall asleep until 1:45 because I have the insomnia gene and it SUCKS. Thanks, Mom.

I had a meeting with my UN professor in the morning to talk about my final paper, and I feel like I have a good plan for that now. The only not good part is that I promised him I'd have an outline for him by Monday, which is one more thing on my weekend schedule that I HAVE to get done before surgery. The good news is that I don't have to be at the hospital until 12:30 Tuesday.

In the afternoon/evening, I had mental therapy and then physical therapy. That was...as expected, I guess. I really like the woman who does my physical therapy. She's super sweet. I won't be going back to her for a few weeks because I have to wait and get a new "post-surgical referral" from my doctor for insurance purposes.

It's freezing cold here now. New York winter is coming quickly. At the end of physical therapy, I sit with this giant ice pack on my shoulder for 10 minutes. You know what happens when you cover your shoulder and upper arm in an ice pack and then walk out into 37 degree temperatures? A portion of your body will actually feel warm and toasty while the rest of you feels like it's going to grow icicles at any moment. Loads of fun, I tell ya.

Who wants to take bets on when I get to experience my first NYC snow? :)

It's strange to use "only" and "concussion" in the same sentence.

So, good news is I only seem to have a mild concussion from Wednesday, which would be enough to cause the memory issues I've had since I hit my head. I was thankful to actually get checked out, since the ER didn't do anything except clean up the area of my head and seal the wound and tell me to go home.

And then I came home and fell asleep for several hours because I didn't sleep much last night. Probably because I'd slept all day from the awful pain from the hit. And also because I ran out of Vicodin that allowed me to sleep through my shoulder pain on Monday.

When I woke up, I went and got my new set of keys from my super (hooray! that man is awesome, seriously), checked my box and found a Vicodin prescription that my surgeon sent me to get me to surgery because I can't get a pain management place to call me back. Then I went to the pharmacy. I got that filled, and found out that even though my primary care said she was sending in a Levothyroxine prescription when I left her office today because my endocrine doctor is now on medical leave so I can't get it from her she actually didn't send it in, but luckily I still have a few more pills. I also bought an ice pack that the pharmacist said would be excellent for my shoulder surgery and an Ace bandage type thing just in case the strap that is on the ice pack doesn't work, because that's happened to me before. Then I went to Supper for some lemon pasta because, well, it's lemon pasta and since I had all my keys now, my roommate didn't have to wait around to make sure I could get back in the apartment.

I came back and got caught up in random TV shows for several hours. The roommate made a cake for absolutely no reason. Holly came home and we watched John Oliver and The Big Bang Theory. I probably should have been reading stuff for Monday, but oh well. My head seems to finally be healing from Wednesday, so I might actually be able to focus on reading something tomorrow. That's seemed pretty impossible the past few days.

I really hope my blog takes a more positive tone soon. I feel like I've had nothing but bad news for a while now and I don't like it. Sorry for being such a downer, but I'm doing my best.

Your medical lesson for the day, kids.

Heads? They can bleed a LOT. Even when the cut is very shallow and small. Ask me how I know.

Oh who am I kidding. You know I'm going to tell you. Consider this the latest chapter in the saga of "Stupid things Mal does to injure herself."

I went to the bathroom before class this morning. The stalls in this bathroom are pretty small, but I've gotten used to them. My phone fell out of my pocket when I pulled my pants up, so I bent over to pick it up. And when I came back up, I guess I totally misjudged just how small the stall is, because WHACK! I came up and slammed my head straight into the metal lock with some pretty decent momentum. I stood up completely and just rested on the wall of the stall for a second, because at first, I thought I had just knocked it so hard that it made me a little dizzy. And then I felt something running down my cheek. I reached my hand up to wipe it, hoping it was sweat, because I was warm, but nope, it was bright red.

I got out of the stall and rushed to rip a paper towel out of the machine. Getting more lightheaded by the second, I stumbled out into the hall which is thankfully next to a common area where a few students were working and said, "I'm bleeding. Can you help me?" I sort of collapsed against the wall, and they rushed over. I never lost consciousness, thank the Lord, but I sure felt like I was going to. One guy got me a crap load of more paper towels, one girl got the stuff from my room, and this guy named Mike squatted right in front of me to keep me focused and help me slow my breathing down, because I was kind of freaked. Especially considering I bled through at least 8-10 paper towels by the time the EMTs got there.

But when they did get there, it had pretty much stopped bleeding. I was told I was "awesome" for knowing to put pressure on it. I thought that was just common sense, to put pressure on something that's bleeding to make it stop, but you know, okay, cool, thanks.

I didn't find out until I got to the hospital that it's actually a rather superficial, small laceration. Go figure. My scalp is bruised around the cut, which is not surprising in the least, but other than those two things, I'm fine. I just have to deal with a splitting headache for a while.

Also another lesson? I may never describe a migraine as "stabbing" ever again, because I never truly understood what stabbing felt like until this.

Oh boy. My life is just one big bucket of entertainment, isn't it?

Thank the Lord, I am here and now.

Today was a long afternoon and evening but it was such a good one.

First thing in the afternoon, I had my first physical therapy session. It was good, I guess, pretty much what you'd expect from physical therapy. I'm pretty much only doing this before surgery to appease the insurance company, but whatever.

The one cool/weird thing about it was that my therapist, Laura, had me end the session with the largest ice pack I've ever seen. This thing went from the top of my ribs all the way up over my shoulder to the back of my shoulder blade and then had a side piece that went down my arm all the way to my elbow.

It felt AWESOME. Too bad the numbness only lasted about 20 minutes. I'm gonna look and see how much one of these costs before my surgery.

In the evening, I got to make my first trip to Brooklyn. Pastor Ben and his wife Christy had some of the grad students over to their apartment for dinner and fellowship.

We had Chinese Hot Pot, which was...interesting.

Basically, it's this pot of broth, Ben's was divided into a super spicy side and a neutral side, and you toss a bunch of raw stuff into it like dumplings and meat and bok choy, and then as it cooks you fish out what you want and put it on some rice and then either dip in some dipping sauce which you can create your own mix of or pour the dipping sauce over it. It was really delicious. I wasn't brave enough to try the super spicy stuff. It was even making the couple whose families are from India sweat. :p I did learn that I don't like tofu. It tastes like sponges!

The conversation was the best part, though. There was some really funny, random stuff, like about candy from around the world, but then there was some really deep conversation about our fields and how we can God's grace in them and the people we work with and the jobs we want to do and how we as Christians can glorify God and show people Jesus in what we do. We also got into this really interesting discussion about Christians and politics (which may or may not have been partially my fault :p). I really appreciated it, not just because it was an interesting conversation, but also because it was really clear that I can speak my mind with them without fear of judgment. And it's such a cool thing to be able to learn from so many different cultures without even having to seek the experience out.

The night was when it got...interesting. Everyone left Ben and Christy's around 10:00, and Isis, Gui, and Leonidas (the 3 Brazilians to my left at the end of the group photo) were all heading to the same subway station as I was. I was taking a different route home than I had taken to get there, so they offered to make sure I didn't get lost in Brooklyn alone on a Friday night. We had to stop a few times on the way there because my legs had been hurting since my hour-long trek on the way to the dinner, but they were very kind and didn't mind at all stopping with me. Originally, they were going to be taking a different train, but at the last second, they decided to make sure I got home safe since it wasn't far from my apartment to where they needed to go. So sweet. Well my plan was originally to take a B train to Broadway Lafayette and then transfer to the F and go one stop to my apartment. Well, we waited for a B to come...and waited...and waited...and WAITED. For almost 45 minutes.

I felt so bad that they were stuck there with me, so I tried to figure out another way home. So we did, we got on another train and went one stop where we could transfer to the F (which we didn't know about at first, because the maps we had didn't say the lines offered at our station would even GO to the station one over that had F lines, but whatever). My legs were getting weaker by the minute, but we made it up to the F platform....and got stuck waiting. We had seen signs about detours over the weekend for the F line, so Leonidas and I were both a bit panicked about missing the last train, but we made it up there before the time the detours were supposed to start, and a guy explained to me that the detours wouldn't even affect us because of the stop we were going to. But still, an F train would not come. We were there for another 20 minutes or so before an F train showed up.

FINALLY, we managed to get to my station, but I could barely walk. Sweet Gui held my hand and helped me up the stairs one by one, down the block to my apartment, and then one by one up the stairs into my apartment. It took us almost two hours from the time we left Ben and Christy's to the time we got in my place. I felt SO bad because they could have been home a long time before that, but they could not have been nicer because, as Isis said, at least I didn't have to wait in those stations alone and they were there to help me walk home because the pain was really bad.

A lot of my walls got broken down by God tonight. I feel more like I can trust my church family with the hard, and sometimes embarrassing stuff now. And that's a really good feeling.

My church family, and the fact that I found them so quickly, that's just another reason why I really believe that God brought me to New York for a reason, and it's not just all going to be snatched away from me.

Shoulder Pains

Doctors can be aggravating.

I saw the doctor who referred me to get the Cortisone injection for the first time in two and a half weeks, and the vast majority of my 45-minute appointment was listening to him talk about how he doesn't understand why my shoulder still hurts.

And how if the pain I'm feeling is really from my labrum tear, then the Cortisone should have helped. Even though I explained to him that I got Cortisone treatment for the torn cartilage in both of my knees, and I still had to have surgery on each of them.

And the dangers of being on Vicodin for too long...even though this dude knows my medical history and knows I've been on pretty much every narcotic under the sun and am still not a drug addict, AND it's been less than a month.

And how he could try to get me into see the orthopedic surgeon at his main office instead of waiting for him to come to NYU in two weeks, but he doesn't think the surgeon will want to do anything about this, talking to me like I'm anxious to have my 23rd surgery (which he is aware I've had that many) as if I really want to have to deal with the possibility of surgery in the middle of my first semester of my Master's program. And don't even get me started on him suggesting a medical leave of absence over a SHOULDER injury. Let's just say I quickly explained to him that I've done that before for some way worse stuff and it's not going to happen again, and if I took a leave it would equate to me never getting my degree because my life is never calm or free from health problems.

I genuinely do not know how I'm going to make it to Christmas break before doing anything else about my shoulder when even writing a blog post or my weekly 1-2 page response papers makes my whole shoulder and arm feel like someone is stabbing it, and I'm going to have approximately 75 pages of papers due in December in quick succession. I have to find SOMETHING to be done, because I cannot keep going on in this much pain with my one good arm pretty much out of commission.

The question is what that something will be, and what's it going to cost me.

You make me brave.

I'm in a period of life where, truth be told, I feel like I'm caught up in the waves. Some of it is actually good stuff, like school, and adjusting to life in NYC, but that doesn't make it any less stressful or hard. But there's a good deal of it that is not good stuff. Bills, doctors appointments, fatigue, headaches, seizures, and mostly, this shoulder injury. And that bad stuff, well, sometimes it can feel suffocating.

The doctors who did my Cortisone injection said it would take 48 hours to kick in, and they seemed pretty certain of that time frame, like there wasn't much wiggle room. I'm past 84 hours now, approaching the 96 hour mark, and my shoulder hurts worse now than before that injection on Thursday. So...that's not exactly a good sign. I have 16 days until I meet with an orthopedic surgeon, and unless God works some serious healing power, which I know He totally can, it looks like I'm facing that route here soon because, well, I can't keep going on like this with my one good arm out of commission.

And that's disappointing, to say the least. And frustrating. And scary, to think of the impact it could have on my Master's work. Like, honestly, I'm just so freaking tired of health stuff constantly popping up to get in the way of me living my life and doing what I came here to do, what I've worked so hard to be able to do. There's no way around that. I'm tired of it.

But you know what? I may have my bad moments, or even bad days, but I always come back to the Truth. The truth that this injury doesn't have to mean disaster. The truth that I have a support system that is just as here for me now as they were when we didn't have hundreds of miles between us. The truth that everything that has happened in the past few weeks has made me just that much more aware of how desperately I need my Jesus. This time that I'm in right now, it's leaving me no choice but to cling to God and the hope that this time will pass and things will get better.

This song, the song I mentioned on Friday, "You Make Me Brave," it says a lot of what I'm feeling right now. People think I'm so brave and so strong, and I just want people to understand that I am not brave or strong on my own. God makes me brave. The strength in me is the strength I get from holding fast to the tenderness of the One who is bigger than a torn shoulder. The fear of what the future holds that sometimes absolutely wrecks my heart is overpowered and washed away by the Champion who made a way for me to be made righteous and victorious over the darkness that this world holds. And I felt that so clearly and powerfully today at church when Pastor Ben had a couple ladies come with him to lay hands on me and pray for me and my life. God has fought on my behalf, has fought for my heart, and continues to fight for and defend me now. And because I know that, I know that I cannot be permanently defeated. There's a heck of a lot of hope in that, my friends.

I hope that, in whatever you're facing, my reflection on my struggle encourages you. I don't know what you're going through, but I do know that God is right here, right now, and He is bigger than whatever that storm is. He WILL fight for you, love, you need only to be still. Trust that He is the King of the universe, and He is the one King that can't be overthrown. He can make you feel brave when in your head, you're scared out of your mind. That's the cool part. You can face things you think you'd never survive on your own because His power is greater than whatever the storms of this life can throw at you. His Word promises that He has already overcome the world. It's done. It's over. No stress necessary.

I hope a reminder of that truth brings some comfort to you tonight.

Take a listen to the song, if you haven't heard it before. It's pretty awesome.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UglO7SGUWk

There is no pain like Cortisone pain.

Somebody stitch THAT on a pillow.

So I had my Cortisone shot appointment today. It was awful. Like, laying still for 30 minutes while people first use an ultrasound on your injured joint and then stick needles practically all the way THROUGH your injured joint is not my idea of a good Thursday morning. They kept putting Lidocaine into the injection site every time they put in more Cortisone and oh my word, the pain with the two combined made my toes curl up. They kept saying I shouldn't feel anything but pressure, which sounds good in theory, but that's a heck of a lot of pressure when you're going all the way into my shoulder socket.

The doctors seemed very confused that I didn't feel immediate pain relief because of the Lidocaine, but they seemed to understand once I explained to them that I've had so many anesthetics in my life that my body very well may not even recognize Lidocaine anymore. They said it will take about 48 hours for me to get relief from the Cortisone, which was all I wanted to know.

They also told me I would probably feel like crap for 24 hours and to rest, so rest I shall.

At least there's some answer.

I have a small tear in my labrum, the main ligament around my shoulder joint. Also some piece of it that's supposed to have a pointy end now has a rather flat and blunted end. So you know, I'm not a hypochondriac.

The doctor says he thinks that the tear is not big enough for the orthopedic surgeon that comes to NYU twice a month to want to go straight to surgery.  So on the 25th, I'm getting cortisone injections and will see if that helps, and if I'm still in pain by October 14th, I'll have a meeting with the surgeon.

So the good news is that there is an answer to the cause of my pain (though the doctor acted like he thinks I should be better by now) and there is a plan to deal with it.  The bad news is there is a lot of wait time involved, and the doctor is so obsessed with the dangers of narcotics that he won't give me enough to last through the waiting. So I'm gonna have to deal with that later if the pain doesn't go away on its own.