What now?

I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life next.

I was so set on applying to PhD programs, convinced that that was my next step, that I started telling everyone who asked that I wanted to be a college professor, which I really did (do?), but now that I didn't get into any programs two years in a row, and you need a PhD to do that (you can be an adjunct with a Master's, but they don't make enough to live on as a full-time income), I really don't know what I want to do or be now.

I know I'm going to start job hunting now, but what am I even supposed to look for? How do you apply for jobs when you have no idea what you want to do? I suppose I'm just going to apply for anything and everything, mostly because I'm desperate to get the hell out of this house and this town as quickly as possible, but it's really rather depressing because it feels like everyone around me either already knows what they're doing or has a specific goal in mind, and I'm in this weird fog in which I don't have the slightest clue what direction I'm headed.

You know what really doesn't help, though? The only people that are physically right here with me, the only people I spend time with, my family, don't seem to believe in me or that I can do it. My mom accused me of sabotaging myself from getting into Montreal because I "either can't or don't want to handle the anxiety of growing up," which is absolutely insane because all I want to do is be on my own. She wonders why I don't talk to her anymore about anything personal; it's because she says crap like that. My grandma has given me three separate lectures on finding a job close to home because she doesn't think I'll make it if I move far away on my own. And while I do enjoy proving people wrong, it's really exhausting. I know that I'm lucky to have friends all over the place who believe in me; I just wish I had someone right here who did.

Is the thought of growing up and moving out on my own? Yeah, of course it is. But my life has been filled with scary things that I've not shied away from and done anyway. I don't know why they're expecting this to be different.

But you know what? I was texting Jay last night (thank you, WhatsApp), and he reminded me that while ideally, everyone would have a supportive family, sometimes it just doesn't work out like that, and I can't let their disbelief affect my self-esteem. My worth isn't dependent on what they, or anyone, say I'm capable of. I just have to focus on who I am, the gifts that I know I have, and what I know I want and am capable of.

God's going to lead me in the right direction. I just have to have faith. Everything and everybody else is just background noise.

Life Now

Well. I definitely wasn't planning on disappearing for a month and a half. But things happen. And I frankly haven't been in the best mindset or had much to write about. Here's a recap:

- going away dinner with my church fam

- last Sunday at church where I was prayed over

- packing

- surgery prep

- surgery, which involved an awful several hours delay they failed to inform me about after Mom and I stayed up all night to be at the hospital at the crack of dawn, but a successful surgery that officially diagnosed me with endometriosis and removed what docs could find

- moved back to NC the day after surgery (thanks to church people loading the truck) (that was a fun 12 hour ride home)

- the week after surgery, I came down with a massive case of bronchitis and a sinus infection, and because my body rejects steroids now, it's been a month of breathing treatments trying to get over it

- I wrote my thesis

- I got an A on my thesis (!!!!!!!!!!)

- now, I'm trying to a) find online work to make some money while I'm stuck home for a year and b) figure out what schools I'm going to apply to for next year's PhD programs

I'm very lonely here. I have heard from practically no one up in NYC, and because I've been so sick and exhausted, I haven't had the energy to reach out to them. Thank God Matt is back in the area now. If I didn't get occasional visits from him, I would have absolutely no one outside of my very dysfunctional family.

I moved from a huge city where I could just walk out my front door and have endless entertainment, to a small town where you have to drive to see anything and I don't have a license or a car, and there's not that much to see anyway. The silence is not good for me. I have been getting way too caught up in my own head thinking about all the people I've lost and all the relationships that have failed and all the things I wish I could change but that I know I can't do anything about. And the fun part about it is that my life isn't going to be changing any time soon.

I did get a call from August today, which is the first time I feel like I've smiled when thinking about New York since I left.

I don't know. This is the way life is for now. I guess I better get used to it.

Ah, peace and quiet. How I've missed you.

I don't know what is up with me this week, but all I want to do is sleep.

Actually, I probably do know what is up with me.

1. Anxiety over the future has hit now that graduation is over. Surprise, surprise.

2. I chipped a bone in my foot Sunday and probably also pulled a ligament in my ankle so now I'm on painkillers and muscle relaxers.

3. The roommate moved out for good so I no longer have to deal with her blasting her absolutely atrocious rap music all the dang time so loud you can hear it from the front door of my building (not kidding. I went to get food late one night and could hear her music as soon as I unlocked the main door, and there's a second door, and I live on the second floor, and her room is the furthest away from the stairs. and it was like 2 am.) She was, suffice it to say, a very selfish and inconsiderate roommate, and Holly and I are both relieved she's gone. The super could put someone new in her room, but he hasn't said anything yet, and I know he'll give us advanced notice.

(I actually had a nightmare that I came home one day and the roommate had moved back in. Talk about dread.)

Spring TV is ending this week. Guess there's no excuse for me not to start job hunting now, is there?

If only my body would stay awake long enough to do it.

Notes for my future husband:

I hope you like going on adventures and traveling to new places. I sure do. But there are some things you should know before we take off.

My body doesn't work quite like most people's. The congenital nerve damage on my right side means my muscles start off weaker and get tired more quickly than most. Sometimes, when I walk too much, my leg starts dragging because I have literally lost the energy to completely pick it up. And sometimes my hands shake for no reason at all. So if I get scared to do something, it's more than likely because I know my muscles often stop cooperating at the most inopportune moments. There will also be days where my body hurts too badly for me to go out. I may not even know the cause of the pain, but on those days, me getting out of bed will be an accomplishment. Please understand.

I have to take a lot of breaks. It's annoying on a trip or excursion, trust me, I know, but the steel and vertebral fusions in my back for my scoliosis put pressure on my hips that makes it excruciating to stand up for too long. And after having my feet reconstructed, I feel pressure when I walk that makes them throb if I don't sit down every so often. If you see me doing awkward stretches in public places, just know that I have to do them to keep the pain under control and keep myself moving. Please be patient.

There are precautions that have to be taken. I have to have a lot of water with me, especially in the summer. When I get overheated, I can have a seizure; if I don't get cool enough in time, and I have a seizure anyway, the water is crucial in getting my body cool afterwards. If it's the winter, I need my inhaler, because my lungs don't handle the cold well thanks to my asthma and pleurisy. I have to remember to take all my meds in the morning before we leave; I'm really good about it 99.9% of the time, but it's in that .1% that things tend to go wrong. Please help me remember.

Sometimes I'll push myself too hard. I'm so used to living with pain, whether it be physical body pain or a migraine (because, oh yeah, I have those, too), that there are times when I ignore my body trying to tell me to slow down or stop. If it looks like I need a break, ask me. If I tell you I don't and you really think it looks like I do, ask me again. I can be stubborn, but I'll appreciate having you watch out for me. I want to be "normal" so badly sometimes that I make stupid choices. Please take care of me, even when I say or think I don't need you to.

I want to have a normal body, but the truth is that I never will. I hope you can accept the inconveniences that come with my disabilities. But don't think for a second that I'm ever going to stop chasing all the dreams I have and getting every ounce of joy I can squeeze out of this life, because I won't. I know what I want, and I'll never stop going after it, even if it takes me a bit longer than everyone else. Please, whatever you do, don't pity me, and don't treat me like an invalid.

I can't tell you what state my body will be in on a certain day, but I can promise you that I will do everything I am capable of to help give us an exciting, joyful, passionate life together. These things are a part of my life, but they are not all that I am. Please understand that. Please trust in that.

Love,

112 days. 16 weeks. Let's get it.

Officially back to the real world.

I had my internship yesterday morning, class yesterday afternoon, and then class this morning.

Then, I work all day tomorrow and Friday.

So basically, I have Mondays and Wednesday afternoons off during the week, and then obviously, the weekend.

But with a Master's thesis, papers for a regular class, plus my internship, I have a feeling I'm not going to sleep a whole lot or very well this semester.

It's gonna be hard, and it's gonna be exhausting, but I'm so thankful to be able to do it. God provided the funds for this semester in the craziest way, and I'm going to thank Him by working my hardest to succeed.

And I know that even though graduation feels forever away, before I know it, these 112 days will be gone and I'll be getting ready for the next chapter of my life. So I plan on taking advantage of every minute I'm given here.

NYU, you better bring it.

What is this?

I have finished all of my Ph.D. applications.

2 of them were on time, but 3 of them were early. Highly unusual for me.

But here's what is really blowing my mind:

3 of the 5 are to freaking Ivy League schools.

I have officially applied to Columbia, Yale, and Princeton.

If you told me five years ago, or even one year ago, that this is what I'd be doing now, I would have told you that you were insane.

Now comes the oh-so-torturous part: waiting.

Some of them may not release decisions until April.

I don't know if you've figured this out over the 6+ years of this blog, but I am not good at waiting patiently.

Like, AT ALL.

Lord, help me.

19 days and counting down.

That's how long I have.

That's how long I have until I get to get on a plane and go back to North Carolina for the first time since LAST Christmas.

Time with my Mom, a week in Myrtle Beach with my grandma, Christmas (and Christmas food!), seeing Matt for the first time since my graduation last May, and then sweet sweet time at Campbell to end on a high note. (Because let's face it, there are going to be plenty of downs while I'm in Swansboro, because family.)

But to get to all of that, I have to get through three more days of classes (because one professor scheduled an extra day since she was sick twice. Yay me.), write two final term papers, get everything sorted out to get into my Master's seminar, and finish five PhD applications on time.

And I also have to find an internship and get everything sorted out to get into the Internship seminar so I can, you know, graduate on time. I technically have until the end of January for that, but I know that it will be infinitely more complicated while I'm in NC for four weeks and staying at my grandma's house without Wifi (since I ended up in the hospital after staying at my mom's house last winter, that won't be happening again. So it would be really, really awesome if I could get everything sorted out before I leave.

It'll all work out. It has to. But today has not been my day. First, I went to go get lunch from the deli, realized I couldn't find my keys, and spent the next 2.5 hours tearing apart my room and looking in every weird and random place my friends (thanks Summer and Emma) could think of, until I just gave up and asked my landlord to make me a new set. Luckily, he's pretty much the nicest guy you could ever want to run your apartment building so he had no problem doing that. Then, I spent an hour going through phone hell trying to figure out how to get my TFAS grade records from Georgetown online; luckily, the IT help desk got me into the system and they still had what I needed online after 3 years. Campbell, however, takes you out of the system upon graduating, so I have to wait for the transcript copy to get here in the email, and I have one application due tomorrow and the transcript isn't due to arrive until Thursday, so I had to spend a sweet forever talking to that university trying to figure out what I could do to still submit my application on time; plus, I realized I sent my GRE scores to the wrong school at Columbia, and while the school I sent it to had no problem sending the scores over to the right school, the right school normally does not accept reports transferred between schools, even though it's an official report, so I have to hope and pray they'll make an exception so I don't have to spend another $30 to get another report sent out. Then, after I took a picture of my NYU transcript and uploaded it (because I can use that for uploading transcripts to applications), I could've sworn I put it back in my desk where it had been before, but then I went back to look for it and couldn't find it anywhere. Because of course.

At that point, I was just like "Okay, life, you win. I give up for today." Because with still feeling awful from Sunday and so much else in my head, I just about started crying this afternoon from all the added stress.

With that said, I'm going to bed now, hoping for a better, easier, clearer, more productive day tomorrow.

It kind of has to be, since Columbia needs my application.

Yay adulthood. Campbell's exam week starts tomorrow, and I would totally go back to that.

Dear my future husband...

You don't know who I am yet, nor do I know who you are, but I want you to know that I spend a lot of time thinking about you. Sometimes too much.

I dream about the day when I finally meet you, wondering whether I'll get that feeling I've heard about that tells me I'm going to marry you long before it's on the radar. I wonder if we'll have some meet-cute like in the movies, or if I'll have no idea what you will come to mean to me when my eyes first lock with yours.

I also wonder if you're someone I've already met, someone I already know and who knows me. I wonder if one day our stories will fall together in a way we never could have imagined in the beginning.

I want you to know that underneath my nervousness and Type A personality and perfectionist tendencies, I will love you the very best I know how, with my whole heart. I will do my very best to honor you and love you every single day.

But I'm not always going to get it right. I know you know that, and I know you're not always going to get it right, either. Right now, I still carry some scars with me that make me terrified that I won't be good enough for you to love me, but I'm working on it. And I have the hope that if you want to marry me, you'll see those scars and help me vanquish them, and not turn and run. We're both a mess, but together, I know we can become better together than we ever could apart.

I pray for you. I pray that whatever stage of life you're in now and whatever you will face before our paths cross, that those experiences will draw you closer to the Lord. That they will stoke that fire in you to serve the Lord and make Him known to the world around you. I pray that you are growing more confident in who you are and the gifts you have been given. I pray that you will continue to learn what it means to be a faithful and servant-hearted son of God and friend to those around you. I pray that your heart grows strong during the tough times, and I pray that you have people around you to lift you up and be your life rafts when the waves get too strong for you on your own.

I wish I could know who you are already.

I want to know your favorite ice cream flavor.
Your biggest phobia.
Your favorite music.
Your favorite sport.
Your dreams.
Your secret desires. The ones hidden deep in your heart.
Your pet peeves.
What makes you angry.
What makes you happy.
What scares you.
What makes you feel loved.
What makes your soul absolutely come alive.

I wish I could know you already. That we could just get on with it. Because I truthfully hate being single. And while I don't need you, I just want you here. I want to know the guy that all of my closest friends say has to be coming for someone as "amazing" as me. I want to know that God has heard my prayers and knows the deepest desires in my heart of becoming a wife and a mother one day. I don't want to have to wonder anymore when you're coming, or if you're coming at all. (Yeah, I'm working on that fear, too.)

But for all my impatience and fears about the future, I know that our God doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't show up late, or forget to give us something (or someone) He has planned for us. And there's growth we both need to find so that when our stories do fall together and our paths do cross, the result will be more intricate, more exquisite, than anything we could force or manufacture on our own.

I don't know who you are, and I don't know when the story of us together will begin, but there are some things I do know and some things I can promise you as we both wait.

I know that you love God.
I know that you are becoming the man God desires for you to be with each day and each step.
I know that you are learning every day, because I know you're as broken as I am.
And I know that I will wait for you. Because I don't care what your hair color is, or how tall you are. I care about my husband loving God even more than he loves me.

And while I'm telling you now that I'm not going to do this all perfectly, here's what I will do when we're together.
I will pray for you, now as I wait, and then when we're doing life together.
I will forgive you no matter your mistakes.
When hard things come, I will fight to hold true to the vows we make.
I will stand by you.
I will never expect you to complete me; I'll save that role for Jesus.
I will be your biggest cheerleader, your strongest confidant, and your partner.
And most of all, I will love you, unconditionally, fully, completely, with everything I have in me to give.

Until we meet, I just want you to know this: My name is Mallory. You can call me Mal. And I love you so very much.

Maybe one day?

I need to write a book.

That's what people tell me, anyway.  I need to write a book about my life and share my story with a larger audience.

Part of me wants to, and part of me finds thinks I don't have enough to say to fill an entire book.  I don't have a clue as to how to organize it.  I don't know what to write about, other than my life, but that wouldn't exactly be a very coherent or entertaining read.  I ramble too much.  I'd have to narrow it down, focus on different pieces, plan an outline.  And there'd have to be a point, because a bunch of strangers aren't going to be interested in the stuff that's gone on in my life unless there's a point.  They have to relate to it, and how can I make people relate to something so out of the ordinary?

I feel like if and or when I'm supposed to do this, the inspiration will hit.  Right now, I just can't see it happening.  I'm not saying I can't see it EVER happening, because I know all too well what happens when I try to plan the future, but it's just not in the picture.  There are too many questions and too many things still up in the air regarding New York and that's gonna be such a huge change that I can't write it anytime soon.  It'll happen when it's meant to happen.  That sounds cheesy, but I really believe it.

I don't know what brought that on, but there you go.

A couple asides: My mother woke me up to harass me about a Big Bang Theory flash mob.  And also I have the money for an apartment now.  And also I got to have a lovely chat with my friend Lauren and it was the highlight of my day.

Dear 2014, bring it.

I'm choosing to look at the fact that I didn't even get up or eat something until 8:00 tonight as a combination of recovering from how awful I felt last night and preparing myself for all of the craziness that is coming very soon.

This year has a lot in store.  My last semester, finishing up everything from last semester, grad school applications, deciding where I'll be spending the next two years of my life, graduation, and then adjusting to life as an adult out of my Campbell bubble.

I don't know what God's going to do with me in all of this.  What I do know is that if there's any time that I need to find rest, this is it.  I won't survive this year without it.

It's time to buckle up and get ready.  It's going to be a wild ride, and I'm looking forward to it.

Somebody hold me.

I'm an emotional mess this week.

Granted, I do have every girl's legit excuse for being an emotional mess going on right now, if ya catch my drift, and that always makes this already sensitive girl much, much worse, but this is just ridiculous.

Yesterday, I cried because a friend who has been the biggest mentor in my life over the past 5 years by far sent me an email, and I took it as an attack when if there's anything the past 4.5 years that we've known each other taught me, it's that this woman would never ever in a million years attack me, let alone intentionally make me cry.

Then, I cried because my mom went to her boyfriend's house.  I haven't dealt with separation anxiety since I was, like, 10 (my dad dying really messed me up for a few years).  Please explain that one.

Today, I cried over some stupid thing Chelsea said that I normally would just roll my eyes at, and because Mom isn't here to help me deal with her.

The one not-totally-irrational thing that I've cried about this week is that I leave for school on Sunday.  School by itself is not what made me cry.  I mean, duh, Campbell is my home.  I want to go back as soon as I leave.  It was the oh-so-fun combination of between being sick and the surgery I'm sickeningly behind on making up all the stuff from this past semester (I did get those reviews done today, though, so yay), and it's my last semester starting in a week and oh my word I love my school, and my first grad school application is due on Saturday that turned into this giant wave of absolute panic about the future and OH MY GOSH I CAN'T DO THIS insanity.

I keep telling myself that every college senior hits this point sooner or later, and it's totally natural to freak out about leaving a place that you love and have been at home at for 4+ years, but I still felt pretty crazy sitting here trying to focus on this book about the Vietnam War and instead crying really hard.

Once I finally finished those reviews tonight, I ate some cheese and crackers and some ice cream - not together, mind you - and plan on staying up late tonight watching Glee.  I'm giving myself a mental day tomorrow for New Year's Eve before I jump into grad school applications.

Because sometimes, that's just what you need.

When I Grow Up

I don't need to tell y'all how much I love my mom.  Anyone who reads here for more than a second can figure that out.  The woman has had to be both mom and dad for more than 14 years and has taken care of her 3 girls all on her own and, if you ask me, done a pretty darn good job at it.

Then again, I might be just a tad bit biased.

Anyway.  As you might imagine, growing up in a house with only sisters and only a mom led to many a lesson on the power of women and how I don't need a man to make me happy or complete me or take care of me...or what most people would call feminism.  I think that lesson's only really begun to stick for me in the last few years, but hey, better late than never.

Tied into that lesson was the much emphasized idea that we could have any career we wanted and shouldn't depend on husbands for financial security.  Her push to have us, especially me because of my genius IQ (and that's not meant to be a brag, it's just a statement of fact, my IQ really has been tested), make big dreams for our futures and work hard to chase after them was a big part of my childhood.  Of course, the frustrating part was that she never saw the pressure she was putting on me, her perfectionist, people-pleasing child, even outright denying she did such a thing.

Agh, I'm getting off point.  My mom had a lot of dreams when she was my age and younger that she never fulfilled because, in short, her dad told her she wasn't good enough for it to happen.  She wanted to go to East Carolina and major in Theater.  Instead, she was told to pick a "practical" major and ended up at NC State in English because teaching made sense to my grandpa, especially since my grandma was a teacher.  Granted, my mom doesn't regret ending up a Wolfpacker, meeting my dad because he gave her us, or becoming an English teacher, but she made it a point from a very young age to make sure my sisters and I knew that we could do whatever we wanted to do and be whomever we wanted to be.

Except for that time when I was 9 and, stroke-like nerve damage, physical defects and all, came home and told her I wanted to be a dancer.  For the sake of her sanity and my self-esteem, she was forced to crush that dream.  I have no idea how she didn't bust out laughing.  The love of a mother, I guess.

Her belief in me is probably a huge part of the reason that my first career goal at age 6 was to be the first female president of the United States (I later realized the stress would probably have me institutionalized), then a doctor (until I started having a bunch of procedures and surgeries and realized I hate blood), then a lawyer (then I realized prosecutors get paid almost as bad as teachers and defense attorneys would inevitably have to defend guilty people and my conscience couldn't take that), and then I have no idea what I wanted to be until I landed on the whole ambassador-State Department gig when I was about 15.  That one's stuck with me, and the idea of her daughter traveling the world working in international politics still makes my mom as giddy with excitement as it did when I picked my major before I started at Campbell.

But here's what my mom doesn't know.  What I don't have the courage to tell her yet.  A lot of days, I catch myself thinking about my future and know that I'd be just as happy as ever being a stay-at-home mom taking care of my four kids.  Yes, four.  Only four.  Not three.  Not five.  Four.

(I may or may not have inherited my mother's anal tendencies.)

I guess part of me is scared to tell her because it'll feel like I'm letting her down, like I'm crushing her dreams all over again.  And I keep telling myself that maybe I'll change my mind once I get into my career field and start working.

But then I read this book.

I mentioned BigMama yesterday when I wrote about what I learned from BooMama's book.  I'll admit, I read this one second because I wasn't quite sure how a book about the beauty of motherhood would really reach and touch me, a single, childless, 21-year-old nerdy college student.  But I wanted to read it, anyway, because like I said yesterday, BooMama and BigMama are two of the most well-known voices in the blog world.

Man oh man, I am so glad I read this.

Reading Melanie's tales of trying to get pregnant with, being pregnant with, then having and raising her daughter brought me back to a piece of me that got lost in the midst of all the anger and sadness of my childhood.  I was the little girl who would sit around coming up with names for my future kids, the number slowly decreasing as I got older, the names changing as my tastes did.  I would plan out house designs so all these kids could have space, and I'd write stories about taking care of them.  For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom.  That dream has not changed or decreased in the slightest, even as young me had no idea what college major I wanted or what job I wanted to have when I grew up.  If anything, it's only gotten stronger since Blake was born and I've seen the fun that little kids can bring in the midst of all the exhaustion.

Reading Melanie's book made me accept what I knew in my heart to be true, especially as I read about her decision to become a stay-at-home mom: not having a career and focusing my adult life on taking care of my kids wouldn't make me any less fiercely independent or any less headstrong or any less of the woman that my mom worked so hard to mold me into.  It'd just be a different version of her.  One quote from the end of Melanie's book particularly touched me.

''I would say I want her to be a better version of myself, but that's not accurate.  I want her to be t he best version of who God has created her to be - to embrace her individual qualities and gifts."

And even if my mama can't say it out loud, I know that, in her heart, she wants me to live my life and do what makes me happy, not what fulfills the plans she has for my future.  I know this, actually, because of how my mom reacted to a quote from Tina Fey's book Bossypants.  "What's so great about work anyway?  Work won't visit you when you're old.  Work won't drive you to get a mammogram and take you out after for soup."  That's not a slam on working moms, but my mom nearly cried at that quote.  And she's shown me time and time again with her actions that my sisters and I will always be more important than her job.

I'm not saying that I have my future planned out, especially because I'd need a husband for the whole stay-at-home-mom thing to work out and there's no one even close to in the picture, but what I am saying is this:  if ten, twenty years from now, I am a stay-at-home mom, raising kids to love Jesus, my heart won't be lacking for anything.

And hey, I might even throw being a writer in there for good measure.  I can do that from my house...in my pajamas....at one o'clock in the morning.  Because that's when my mind works best and all.  Melanie will understand.

Melanie, if you ever read this, thank you.  Thanks for making me laugh until I cried for 200 straight pages and for reawakening a part of myself I'd thought for too long wasn't enough.  I'll definitely be adding your blog to my list tonight.

When you realize God is talking to you.

Two really cool things happened today.  They were rather simple things, yes, but both occurrences made me pause in awe of the realization that God had completely orchestrated what had happened.

This afternoon, I thought about Alex.  I remembered he's got his LSAT on Saturday, so I decided to send him a text that would hopefully encourage him because I can only imagine how heavy the stress over something he's been working so hard for is.  It was nothing big, just saying I was praying for him and that I believe in him and that God has his back.  Within minutes, I received the response "Thank you so much! I needed that..."  And in that moment and throughout the conversation that followed, I realized that the idea popping into my head to text him was God speaking to me, giving me the idea so that Alex could feel His love outright.  It made me so happy to be able to help him in some small way today.  And when he texted me, "You are so very dear to me!" my heart pretty much melted.  I guess it's no secret my love language is words of affirmation, huh? :)

Second, tonight after dinner, I thought about a website that Taylor suggested to me during our chat on Friday.  I didn't have a lot of work to do tonight, and I just felt this urging to get on there.  When I did, I was immediately led to this sermon on dating and singleness.  Yeah, talk about a God-orchestrated moment.  Lately, I've really been struggling (more than usual) with feeling lonely because I've never had a boyfriend and all that...and then I find this sermon today.  It reminded me to keep my focus on what really matters - my eternity with God.  As much as I want to be a wife and a mother, those titles aren't permanent.  All that will last is my status as an eternal child of God.  I have to want whatever it is He has planned for me if I'm going to remain content in this life.  If His plan is for me to remain single, that far outweighs my desire for a husband and children.

It also really spoke to me about the status of my family.  I can't let them tie me down.  My worth does not lie with them.  People like Taylor, people who have been Christ to me, people who have loved me through good and bad and never wavered are just as much my family as Mom, Holly, and Chelsea are, and I am so blessed for that.

In that sermon linked above, John Piper says, "As long as you are single, this is your calling: to so live for Christ as to make it clearer to the world and to the church: 1) that the family of God grows not by propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in Christ; 2) that relationships in Christ are more permanent, and more precious, than relationships in families (emphasis mine, because it reflects several of the relationships in my life and really hit me); 3) that marriage is temporary, and finally gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along - Christ and the church, the way a picture is no longer needed when you see it face to face; 4) and that faithfulness to Christ defines the value of life; all other relationships get their final significance from this. No family relationship is ultimate: relationship to Christ is."

This lingering jealousy I've been feeling over so many of my friends meeting the loves of their lives is not of God.  Just like I prayed over Alex tonight, I want to follow His plan for my life.  There is no guideline or mold for the way the life of a Christian is supposed to look;  my life and my friends' lives can look completely different and we can all still be following God's plan.  The purpose God had for my life when He created me and still has for me was never dependent upon earthly family, neither the one I have now nor the one that may or may not lay in my future.  my ultimate purpose is to bring Him the glory He so deserves, and that may perhaps be better fulfilled without me having a husband and kids, even as much as I feel that has been my heart's desire for as long as I can remember.

Anyway, I'm kind of rambling, so this is basically my point:  As Christians, our goal on this earth should not and cannot be to find a spouse and have children.  Our goal is to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ and, as a guest pastor at my church said one Sunday, "make it darn near impossible for anyone to go to hell."  You can do that with or without a spouse and kids, because the only family that really matters is the family you have as a child of God.  That's the family that isn't defined by blood, DNA, or marriage licenses.

If you're reading this and are single and a Christian, I urge you to read/watch/listen to that sermon (seriously, you can do any of the three!).  You won't regret it.  I promise.

A Servant's Heart

Today was a hard day for me.  I knew it was going to be hard going into it, and as much as I tried to mentally prepare for it, I still sort of had the shakes as I was sitting in my morning classes.  Yeah, my nerves are fun.

The good thing about God being, well, God is that I didn't have to say that I needed to get my mind off of everything.  He already knew that sometimes the best thing for me is to focus on other people, and He gave me the opportunity for that in spades today.

Two people I love very much are dealing with some intense stuff regarding each other.  And I spent pretty much my entire afternoon and evening talking to them both individually.

The kind of interesting part about it is that the first conversation with the guy started out by him calling me and telling me that my blog post last night really touched him.  I take this guy's opinions very seriously, so when he said that "Over the past four or five weeks, my respect for you has grown more than I ever thought it could," I just about busted out in tears right then.  To know that someone else sees and appreciates the powerful changes I've been feeling God doing in my heart and life was a level of reassurance that I didn't even realize I needed today.

I am so grateful for what happened today.  The conversations I had with these two were completely God-orchestrated, meaning I had no plan for these to happen.  Neither knew I was talking to the other one until after it happened.  While I talked to each of them, I could feel the Holy Spirit giving me the words they needed to be told, and to just hear them say I helped them and that they appreciate me gave me that kind of happiness that I can only get when I'm helping other people.

In this life, in this country more specifically, people as a whole can fairly easily get caught up in selfishness.  I admit I do it often.  But today showed me that there is nothing more beautiful or worthy of my time in this life than to be serving others.  I made a girl dealing with a lot of personal issues feel happy by the time tonight was over just by talking to her.  Nothing I ever do will give me this kind of joy.  I feel indescribably honored that these two let me into their hearts and their lives and are giving me a front row seat to what I know is going to turn into the beauty only God can create.

It just makes sense, though, doesn't it?  An incredibly powerful passage in the Bible is in John 13 when Jesus gets down on his knees and washes his disciples' feet.  The son of God bathed the feet of mere men.  Verse 15 says "I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you."  Jesus comforted me when I had no one in this world, when I didn't even realize that He was there.  His entire reason for being was to save the souls of unworthy people.  He was perfection in the flesh, and yet he lived his life serving others.  He loved doing it because God sent him here for that.  It's my job to live the same way.

And all of this happened on the one-year anniversary of the day sweet Sara, one of the best examples of a servant's heart I've ever seen, went to heaven.  As I've said, I just don't believe in coincidences.

Today has been a reminder in so many ways that I have this heart for others for a reason.  As this friend said today as he was talking about my gift for writing, my physical body may fail me often, but God has given me skills to make up for it.  I may have physical issues, but I have a way to connect to other people with my words that not a lot of people have.

All of that is to say this:  Today has made me seriously consider for the first time whether God is calling me into ministry in some form.  I know I'm meant to be in the field I'm in in college, but I've had this feeling in the back of my mind the past few weeks wondering if He's got something bigger planned for my story and my love for words, something I could do not as a career but just as a way for me to help people.  And after everything that is a part of my story, I know God can do anything He sees necessary.

And God, since I know You're listening, I am willing.  I am so willing and so ready.  Bring me the opportunity, and I know the Holy Spirit will give me the words I need to shine Your light.  More than anything, I want to tell the world just how good You really are.  I want to help bring people back to You the way some dear friends of mine have helped bring me.  All the good I do in this life is because of the fact that You never gave up on me.  So I'm in.  I'm all in.  Use me.

Something Bigger

I have a lot going on in my head today, and quite frankly, I'm not sure where it came from.

I've mentioned many, many times before that the reason I talk so much about my journey through life and my story of coming closer to Christ because I want to help people.  I don't write on this blog every day because I want to be blog-famous, not at all.  I write for two reasons:  one, it's my release, the one way I know I can always let out whatever's going on inside my head and heart; two, I just want to help people.  If I can share the lessons I've learned through my trials and help someone else deal with their pain, then knowing it was all worth it seems a little bit more real.

People have told me for years that I'm good with words.  Sometimes I don't really see what makes them think that, but sometimes I get it, because people read what I write or they hear me talk about my story, and I can tell they're moved.  One day a couple months ago, a very good friend told me they could see me on a stage one day speaking to thousands.  At the time, I just thought it was a sweet compliment from someone who has always believed in me, but I didn't really put much thought into it.  I mean, why would I?  For years now, I've had a very specific plan in mind.  Graduate from Campbell at least magna cum laude, go to grad school, move to DC and start working in international politics.

I'm not saying I want to give all of that up, because I definitely don't, but lately, I've been thinking about whether or not I could be a speaker.  I had a dream that there was some Christian retreat where I was the speaker and The Vespers were the music.  I still don't know why I was dreaming about that, but somehow it felt natural.  And it's made me wonder if that could really be my future.  I've said for a long time that if I could  die knowing that I made one person's world better, then I'll feel like I've done my job, and that really would be enough for me...but then, Friday night, I saw an invitation on Twitter for people to submit their stories to an "I Was Broken" series, and I felt so compelled to write I had 1,000 words done in less than an hour.  And yesterday, I found out that a post I wrote and submitted to a different blog at the end of last summer was featured a few weeks ago.  I read the comments, and there were people saying how my post helped them, parents of children with disabilities far worse than mine saying how my words encouraged them to keep fighting on behalf of their kids.  I was face-to-face with the fact that maybe I actually am kind of good at telling my story and talking to people.

This has all led me to one central question: What if He has something bigger in mind?  What if the path I long thought was going to be my next steps in life isn't what He wants me to do?

I don't know if this really is God trying to clue me in or if it's just my imagination getting the best of me.  I don't even know where to begin if I am supposed to reach out to people on a bigger, broader level.

All I know is this:  my future is in His hands, and I'm willing to do whatever He asks of me.  I pray that He gives me a clear sign if there's an opportunity I need to take to make a difference with people because I don't want to miss it, and let's face it, I'm more than a little oblivious sometimes.  This is all for Him, anyway, and I want Him to use me however He sees fit, on a big or small scale, it doesn't matter.  I just want to bring Him glory, and if sharing my story with even more people is my means to do that, then so be it.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

This is just the beginning.

Another day down.

I am so ready to get out of this house.

I need to separate myself from these people.

I need to spend eight weeks by myself seeing and exploring and figuring out just what I'm capable of when I'm not in such a toxic place.

Thank you God for a sweetheart of a friend who was willing to remind me that taking care of me and my needs isn't a bad thing and doesn't make me selfish.  It means I'm letting go of trying to fix people I can't control.  I've spent far too long attaching myself to the status of my family, a family full of people who are so completely different from me that they can't even see who I really am.

I need to get away.

I need to be free.  Free to be me.  Free enough that I don't believe the lies of this world, at least not as instantaneously as I do when I am here.

This summer is the start of my adult life.  A life where I'm not "Mallory, Sheri's daughter, Holly and Chelsea's sister".  Instead, it's a life where I'm just Mallory, child of the King, friend to all, a young woman figuring out exactly what she's supposed to be doing with her life.  I truly do want whatever God has planned for me, because His ways are so much bigger and higher than mine.

And I, for one, can't wait to see exactly what God has in store.

Reason #8239 why I love blogland

Because I get a surprise email from a blog friend introducing me to a song I'd never heard of before and instantly fell in love with.

"To Me" by Matthew West

Well it breaks my heart
Every time I see the world break yours in two
You know those lies ain't true
But when you let 'em get to you,
Being you is hard to be, I see.

These days sticks and stones
Sound like paradise
Compared to those harsh words
They'd rather cut you down than hold you
But they don't know you like I know you
If they did I know they'd see,
Yes they would see...

To me you are
Heaven's finest invention by far
So much brighter than the brightest star
And what I'd give to make you see
Who you are to me

All your so called friends
Said they'd be there till the bitter end are gone
But I won't be just like the others
I'm gonna show you my true colors
You can't ever make me leave
No, no, I won't ever leave

To me you are
Heaven's finest invention by far,
Even brighter than the brightest star
And what I'd give to make you see
Who you are to me

When you laugh it's my favorite song
And all the gray is gone
Every single time I see you smile,
I just haven't seen it in awhile

So go on and dream
Bigger dreams than this town's ever seen before
There are just two kinds of people:
Ones who say you're just not able
And the ones who change the world
And you're gonna change the world

To me you are
Heaven's finest invention by far
Even brighter than the brightest star
And what I'd give to make you see
Who you are to me

Uh yeah. Wow. So many thoughts that this song inspired...

First was "Whoa. If I could pick a song that I could imagine Matt singing to me, one that sums up our friendship, this would be it." (I know I've talked about him a lot this week, just hang in there.)  The first half of the song (to 'No I won't ever leave') reminds me so much of all the support he's given me, all the times he's reminded me that no matter what anyone else has said or done, he's not going anywhere, how sorry he really is that so many people have hurt me.  I think of how he believes in me when no one else seems to.  It reminds me of how he really does know me better than anyone.  It makes me remember how so incredibly lucky I am that God put a friend like him on this earth for me. 

The second half (from 'all your so called friends' to the end) is what I would say to Matt.  I really am going to be there "till the bitter end" for him, through all the girls and drama and stress and craziness, I'll be there.  Unlike anyone else, he lights up my entire world when he's around because he is always happy, always smiling, always funny.  Also, this boy has so many dreams, dreams his family doesn't believe he can reach.  He wants to move to California when he graduates in December to go to a music school.  His family doesn't want him to.  I seem to be the only one who thinks he can and he should.  He's unbelievably determined.  I can totally see him doing whatever he wants, moving anywhere (though I honestly have no idea what I'm gonna do when he's in California :p).  Sometimes I feel like his biggest fan, because we're so close.  We both want each other to have the world.  (Okay, this is the end of the Matt talk, I promise!)

The second thing that really hit me about this song was this:

So go on and dream bigger dreams than this town's ever seen before. There are just two kinds of people: ones who say you're just not able, and the ones who change the world. And you're gonna change the world .

THIS is what I want for myself.  I want to change the world.  Swansboro is such a ridiculously small town.  I've been surrounded by basically the same people in this town since I was 4.  Thus, they know the basics of all my medical issues.  Most of them expect me not to do much with my life (trust me, some of them have told me).  In fact, one of my old teachers told me he was surprised to hear I was still in college because of everything.  Sweet, huh?  I want to go to grad school in DC and then eventually move to Europe.  I have so many plans, plans that are worlds bigger than this bubble I've been living in.  And I'm going to go chasing after them.

Let me know what you think of the song! And THANK YOU Laura A. for sending it to me!

(And yes, this post took me a long time to write because I have the song on repeat. In case you were wondering. :D)

Party was awesome.

Didn't take pictures.
Somehow have a cold.
Don't feel good at all.
Love the Olympics!
Started talking about my future wedding.
Want each bridesmaid to wear a different color and have Gerber daisies.
In case you were wondering.
Which you probably weren't.
Tired.
Good night!

TGIF

Maybe it's just because it was the first full week of classes, but this week felt sooooooooo loooooooooong. Glad it's over and that I have two days to sleep in. :)

Today was a good day. I, of course, had French, Government and Western Civ. My Western Civ professor was sick on Wednesday, and I don't think she was completely better yet, but she just did nothing but talk today. And I have my notebook from the first 7 weeks of last semester, so I don't even have to bother taking notes for a while. The only semi-bad thing about today was that I realized my Government professor is a hardcore Republican, and he spent basically all class period talking about everything that Obama's doing wrong in the world. Just slightly irritating to a strong Democrat like me. ;)

My advisor rocks. End of story. (Okay, so not. You know me!) But seriously, last Wednesday, the first day of classes, I saw him in the hallway of the building where he teaches and where his office is. He told me to "stop by", but all of his office hours are while I am in class, and whenever else I tried to see him, he wasn't there. So finally, yesterday, I waited for him outside his 11:00-12:20 class after I got out of English, and we agreed to meet in his office at 10 this morning. Turns out, he had completely forgotten that he wanted to see me, and so he thought that the meeting was my idea because I needed to talk about something. Even though 10-11 is usually class prep time for him for his 11:00 class, he gave up that time and talked with me for 30 minutes. He told me about this class/internship that Campbell does for juniors and seniors in my department at Georgetown University! DC is exactly where I want to go! I definitely want to do it, probably the summer before my senior year. :) That was really exciting to hear about.

Take note: I think I might be actually getting a little bit good at pool! Not easy for someone with so many coordination issues and so much nerve damage like me. :)

My legs are frozen!

That's what my cousin used to say whenever she wanted her dad to carry her because she didn't feel like walking. (And yes, it worked for ages. ;) haha)

Well, that's how I feel today. I feel like I was frozen to my bed, not having the energy to get out to do anything. I don't know what my problem is. Maybe it's from everything I did this past week. Either way, I've definitely caught up on rest today. I haven't slept a lot. It's just been nice to lay here, you know?

Confession time!

I have a weird obsession/fascination with babies and baby names. Said obsession with baby names leads to a fascination with celebrity babies and celebrities having babies. I frequently visit this site to help with that. And do you know what today is? The first birthday of the cutest celebrity babies in Hollywood.

Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt. They're so adorable. And for fraternal twins, they sure look a heck of a lot alike. (Side note: It's also the birthday of Jessica's son Elias.)

I love babies, in case you weren't aware. For as long as I can remember, the one dream of mine that has stayed with me is that I know I want to be a wife and a mother. But I want to have a good career, too, so you can bet I'm not going to be the woman who thinks she belongs barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Too much to ask? I think not. This is a girl who dreams big.

And in case you were curious (which you probably aren't) I love the names Jayden Elijah and Tyler Vincent for boys and Isabella Rose and Madison Claire for girls.

Okay, randomness over.

For now, anyway.