Monday, July 13, 2015

Dear my future husband...

You don't know who I am yet, nor do I know who you are, but I want you to know that I spend a lot of time thinking about you. Sometimes too much.

I dream about the day when I finally meet you, wondering whether I'll get that feeling I've heard about that tells me I'm going to marry you long before it's on the radar. I wonder if we'll have some meet-cute like in the movies, or if I'll have no idea what you will come to mean to me when my eyes first lock with yours.

I also wonder if you're someone I've already met, someone I already know and who knows me. I wonder if one day our stories will fall together in a way we never could have imagined in the beginning.

I want you to know that underneath my nervousness and Type A personality and perfectionist tendencies, I will love you the very best I know how, with my whole heart. I will do my very best to honor you and love you every single day.

But I'm not always going to get it right. I know you know that, and I know you're not always going to get it right, either. Right now, I still carry some scars with me that make me terrified that I won't be good enough for you to love me, but I'm working on it. And I have the hope that if you want to marry me, you'll see those scars and help me vanquish them, and not turn and run. We're both a mess, but together, I know we can become better together than we ever could apart.

I pray for you. I pray that whatever stage of life you're in now and whatever you will face before our paths cross, that those experiences will draw you closer to the Lord. That they will stoke that fire in you to serve the Lord and make Him known to the world around you. I pray that you are growing more confident in who you are and the gifts you have been given. I pray that you will continue to learn what it means to be a faithful and servant-hearted son of God and friend to those around you. I pray that your heart grows strong during the tough times, and I pray that you have people around you to lift you up and be your life rafts when the waves get too strong for you on your own.

I wish I could know who you are already.

I want to know your favorite ice cream flavor.
Your biggest phobia.
Your favorite music.
Your favorite sport.
Your dreams.
Your secret desires. The ones hidden deep in your heart.
Your pet peeves.
What makes you angry.
What makes you happy.
What scares you.
What makes you feel loved.
What makes your soul absolutely come alive.

I wish I could know you already. That we could just get on with it. Because I truthfully hate being single. And while I don't need you, I just want you here. I want to know the guy that all of my closest friends say has to be coming for someone as "amazing" as me. I want to know that God has heard my prayers and knows the deepest desires in my heart of becoming a wife and a mother one day. I don't want to have to wonder anymore when you're coming, or if you're coming at all. (Yeah, I'm working on that fear, too.)

But for all my impatience and fears about the future, I know that our God doesn't make mistakes. He doesn't show up late, or forget to give us something (or someone) He has planned for us. And there's growth we both need to find so that when our stories do fall together and our paths do cross, the result will be more intricate, more exquisite, than anything we could force or manufacture on our own.

I don't know who you are, and I don't know when the story of us together will begin, but there are some things I do know and some things I can promise you as we both wait.

I know that you love God.
I know that you are becoming the man God desires for you to be with each day and each step.
I know that you are learning every day, because I know you're as broken as I am.
And I know that I will wait for you. Because I don't care what your hair color is, or how tall you are. I care about my husband loving God even more than he loves me.

And while I'm telling you now that I'm not going to do this all perfectly, here's what I will do when we're together.
I will pray for you, now as I wait, and then when we're doing life together.
I will forgive you no matter your mistakes.
When hard things come, I will fight to hold true to the vows we make.
I will stand by you.
I will never expect you to complete me; I'll save that role for Jesus.
I will be your biggest cheerleader, your strongest confidant, and your partner.
And most of all, I will love you, unconditionally, fully, completely, with everything I have in me to give.

Until we meet, I just want you to know this: My name is Mallory. You can call me Mal. And I love you so very much.

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