Saturday, July 25, 2015

Another rant about my stupid nerves.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. It was one of those where I was getting very tired so I decided to go to bed, and then my head hit the pillow and suddenly I couldn't have been more awake. That's quite frustrating, especially when it's the middle of the night.

Once I fell asleep, though, I slept fine, which worked out great because the plans I thought I had today fell through, so I was able to stay in bed a lot longer than I thought I would. Today was very lazy once I found out that the guy I thought was coming over couldn't come. He was supposed to come to work on a project I'm helping him with, but he got caught up in other work. And I totally get that, and plus, I see him several times a week, anyway, so it's not like I was missing out on some big chance or whatever.

Finding out he wasn't coming, though, led to a lot of conversations and thoughts that you wouldn't think would come out of such a small fact/event/whatever you want to call it.

Like how I am apparently way more attached to my interactions with this guy than I realized. The level of disappointment I felt when he told me he couldn't come was...absurd.

And how not subtle I am, and how that can so quickly screw things up even when I'm not trying. And the bizarre reasons why I'm afraid I'm going to mess things up with my friendship with this guy. Which would devastate me if that were to happen.

But it all boils down to one thing, the problem that keeps popping up in my life in places I didn't think it could or would: I think everyone is "out of my league", especially guys. I assume no one will be interested in me, even when two guys in the past few weeks have asked for my number (they never called, go figure). One of my friends asked me if there was something more between me and this guy, and my immediate response was basically "There's no way." I think part of me still wonders why I even have the relationship that I do with him.

I've got to stop assuming I know what everyone is thinking, and that they're thinking some negative about me. This guy, when I told him Mom said he was very cute, smiled and told me that that was sweet, but being attractive meant nothing, that it wasn't important compared to being a good person and being friendly and kind. So I know he doesn't judge me. Because of that, and because I know we wouldn't have the friendship we do, he wouldn't have helped me through so many seizures, if he didn't genuinely like me. Yet every time I talk to him, I get nervous, because something in me thinks I need to impress him.

I make no sense, not even to myself. My girlfriends are telling me that I'm overreacting at myself again, that what I'm thinking and feeling is normal. But I'm just nervous. Nervous that this will be just another friendship that I mess up with my awkwardness and lack of subtlety. Nervous that I'll lose him, too, just like I lost Ryann. Nervous that I'll be wrong again. Nervous that I'll make an idiot out of myself. Nervous about a crapload of things that rationally I know are not things I need to be nervous about with what I know about this friend.

Screw you, anxiety.

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