Cue the sappy, oh-how-time-flies blog post.

Matt's baby girl arrived tonight.

My first best friend, my original big brother, he's a dad. The guy who always said he wasn't going to have kids until he was 40, he's a dad. I've known about this for months, and it's still crazy and still something I'm trying to wrap my mind around.

I remember how, on my 21st birthday, Matt spent hours playing with Blake, and as I watched them, I thought "he's gonna make a great dad one day." I just didn't think it'd be this soon (and I don't think he did, either).

And now I'm just sitting here thinking a) how badly I wish I was down there with him (though they're coming up here this summer so I'll get to meet the baby soon enough!) and b) as cheesy as it sounds, how much time has passed and how quickly it's gone.

It's bringing back all these memories of high school. How in love with him I was. How scared I was to trust him or, even worse, lose him. How he never retreated, even for a second, no matter how many times I questioned him and his loyalty. All the times he saved me from myself when my mind thought a little too hard about suicide. How getting harassed for being friends with me never changed how he felt about me. How he was always the one escape I had from my family. How he would sneak through the woods between our houses even when it was pitch black just to come see me.

I remember the day that I realized it really was best that he's just my big brother and how it felt to realize that I was actually completely over him. And I've watched our relationship get even stronger since then, because my feelings were no longer blinding me from seeing the blessing that our relationship was just as it was. I remember all the times that those feelings came up in conversation and how he never held them against me or looked at me differently because of them.

I was in 6th grade when I met this loud, rambunctious kid who also happened to be a musical genius, and now I'm about to finish grad school. I was there through his many girlfriends, and he was there through my bullying and emotional trauma. I was the one who told him he deserved better than what he was getting. He was the one who promised me that there would be other people who loved me like he did, I just had to hold on to find them.

I never could have imagined that that kid I met in orchestra and Academic Derby would end up being my best friend, my big brother, my family for life. When I was struggling to make it through high school and he was all I had, I never could have imagined that one day, I wouldn't need him so badly anymore. When I was fighting for my life in and out of hospitals, I never could have imagined that I would one day get the life he always knew was coming for me. I'm not kidding when I say I couldn't have made it here without him.

I'm so happy for him, and proud beyond words of the man I've had the honor of watching him become. And the best part is that I know he's going to feel this exact same way when I have a family of my own one day - he can be sentimental when he wants to be. :)

It's been thirteen and a half years since the story of us began. Here's to the next thirteen.

13 Years and Counting

Matt came over to say goodbye tonight. He came over after he finished lessons, and we hung out for about an hour before he had to go home to his kids. Considering that, before this Christmas break, the last time I saw him was at my Campbell graduation, I am so happy that I got some real quality time with him despite him being so busy.

We've gone from awkward kids in middle school Academic Derby to a brother who is a high school music teacher and married with two stepkids and a baby on the way and a sister who is almost done with a Master's degree and about to (hopefully) start her Ph.D. I'm so proud of who we've become.

Thirteen years is a long time. There have been plenty of times where our relationship could have completely fallen apart (largely thanks to me, let's be honest), yet this break we've sat and talked and cuddled (I needed physical touch in a big way the day after Jim died, and Matt knew that), and it's been a perfect picture of the relationship we've built, one that outlasts time and distance and drama and growth.

Yes, things have changed. I don't consider him my best friend anymore, simply because we don't have the time to devote to each other that we used to and I have other people now. But the title doesn't matter. He's family. We're family. And after all this time, we both know that we can't get through life without each other there in some capacity. No matter where we are in the world, I have that security, and it's such a gift.

I honestly can't imagine still being in love with him at this point. All through high school, when I was desperate for him to love me the way that I loved him, he kept promising me that when I got out of our hometown, I would see that he isn't the only person in the world who would love me and I'd understand that the feelings I had for him were based on the fact that he was my whole world. And per usual, he was right. Matt seems to be right about just about everything in my life. He knows my brain that well.

Now that I have so many other people whom I know love me, I understand that Matt isn't all I need or all I can have like I used to think. And now, I can't imagine him being anything but my big brother. Literally growing up together gives us a bond that anyone I met at Campbell can't understand, but I know that Matt is grateful that I am loved the way that I am. And I'm grateful that I still have him to remind me of what I deserve and what to do when he knows I'm not being treated right and my emotions are clouding my rationality.

I know that without a doubt, he's gonna be standing next to me at my wedding one day. Other relationships may have fallen apart recently, but thirteen years in, and I know that this is one for the ages.

I just hope I can convince him not to wear a bridesmaid dress at the wedding.

My Boys

Growing up, I always wanted a brother. You can probably chalk that up to the whole living with two sisters I didn't exactly like thing. Either way, having a brother was something I often dreamed about, and honestly wondered a few times if my parents had had the fourth kid my mom wanted but my dad said no to I would've gotten one. (God only knows what life would have been like if I'd had a third sister!)

I did see Matt as my brother at first...then I thought I fell in love with him and spent about six years convinced I was in love with him...then I realized that that was nuts and he was perfect as my big brother because, let's face it, we'd kill each other if we had ever tried to be anything else. Thirteen years later, and we both know we're stuck together for good.

Then came Paddy. The guy who started out as my "host brother" turned into my real brother within days. We only spent ten days together, but four years later, we were reunited, and if we hadn't known it before, that weekend together solidified the fact that we were family. We still are.

And as if that wasn't enough, five years later, I joined a class of 15 strange boys to run a Twitter account. I was terrified of them for weeks, unable to wrap my head around the fact that they weren't like the others, that they were good and genuine and loved me, and before long, I realized that those guys had become my family, too. Throughout that semester, I couldn't even try to pretend that they weren't brothers to me. They strengthened my faith and carried me through an incredibly rough semester. And over the two years since then, two of those stranger boys became two of my best friends.

The same week I joined that class and met those brothers, I went to a soccer game with some friends, accidentally ran into a player who surprisingly remembered me and convinced me to come back, and, before long, I unexpectedly fell into a whole new family. The boys I never thought would want to spend time with me, let alone love me, and subsequently spent a long time trying to understand why they did, let me into their family when they really didn't have to. I could have been just another fan to them, and that would've been normal, but instead, the more games I went to, the more boys I met, the more I became integrated into the group. I learned I'd been adopted as their sister when I didn't expect that at all, and a year later, I learned they knew I was their sister long before they even told me. These are the boys who took time out of their hectic schedules to come be my bodyguards just so I would feel safe, even when it turned out to be pointless. Into the second soccer season since I graduated, and they still call me their #1, and I still have the ball sitting on my desk to remind me every single day of the rowdy boys who took me in and made me feel special and important just by the way they loved me.

I wanted one brother. Today, I have about 30. Funny how things work out, isn't it?

It's that last set that I'm particularly thankful for lately. My nerves over the biopsy coming next week seem to only be getting stronger the closer I get to the procedure date. And those nerves have taken the loneliness I was already feeling and multiplied it. Not only am I really hating being so far away from Campbell because of what is going on with my friend, I would give anything to get back to my soccer boys and get their hugs and be surrounded by their infectious personalities that carried me through so much during my senior year.

But despite this ache of longing, I am so, so grateful and aware of the fact that it is an incredible blessing to have them. Because despite the great distance that lies between us, I have gotten so many messages of love from them because of what is going on that I know that they are with me every step of the way. They won't let me forget it. In this aspect, it's as if nothing has changed. The bond that we have, the family that we built, is stronger than a move. I don't have to tell them that I've got their back and will always support them, because they already know it. And I have always known and felt those boys cheering me on through this whole grad school experience, but it's been taken to a whole new level with this current situation when I see the way they so openly and freely let me know how much they love me. It's often said that guys, especially ones this age, aren't open about their feelings and emotions, probably because it's seen as not masculine, but it's like these boys will do whatever they have to to not let me forget for a second that I am so, so very loved by them. I have told them time and time again that they don't understand the extent of what they did for me in my senior year or how they changed me for the better, and I feel like I'm experiencing that all over again.

Some of my boys will be graduating in December, which is heartbreaking because I didn't realize or learn it until recently and until then had thought I'd get a chance to see them one last time when I visit in January, but I know we'll see each other again one day. And the boys that will still be there? Well, let's just say I've warned them all to be expecting massive tackles because I absolutely cannot wait to get to hug them again. And the best part is that they've all said they can't wait for it. :)

It's really comforting to know you have people that not only would you do absolutely anything for, but who would do absolutely anything for you, as well. We've got each other's backs for life, and I wouldn't have it any other way, because frankly, I can't imagine not having them now.

That team of rowdy soccer boys mean the world to me. I still feel so totally honored to be their sister.

They're my boys, it's pretty simple, and I think I love them even more now than I did then. And I think that is really, really freaking cool.

A letter to myself five years ago.

Right now, you're sitting in a hospital bed at Duke with a tube coming out of the back of your skull.  The past week and a half has been a whirlwind of unexpected brain surgeries, a brush with death, blown IVs and all the other fun things that go with being stuck in a hospital, and sheer panic.  You were supposed to move to Campbell five days ago, something you'd been waiting for since you got your acceptance letter because it meant a way out of Swansboro, but that plan got upended when you nearly didn't make it out of that first surgery.  You're going to go, just not in the time you think it will or want it to happen.

See, by the time 2009 is over, you're going to face four more brain surgeries and three more issues that very easily could kill you.  The good news is that they don't.  The bad news is that you're going to be taken on a ride that no one wants to be on.  And it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.  You'll get to go to Campbell for a few weeks, but you'll have to leave just when life starts to feel like it's getting back to normal.  It will feel very much like hell on earth, and you're going to be instantly infuriated by anyone who tries to get you not to refer to this period as such.  It's okay to be angry.  Just try not to take it out entirely on the people around you.  Your mom would do anything, absolutely anything, to take your pain away, and it's not the doctors' fault you keep needing surgery.  And the nurses, the hospital chaplains, they all mean well, they really do.

That God everyone keeps talking to you about?  Hear them out.  I know that you know He's real.  And I know you hate Him.  I get it, you have to have someone to blame for this disaster, for taking away your education, the one thing you think you're good at and good for.  I wish you knew what you're really worth, because it would do so much for the ways that your heart will break over the next few months.  The good news is that you eventually do give yourself to the Lord, you see Him for the ways He carries you through this period.  It'll take time, but I promise that when it happens, it's going to be the best feeling in the world and you'll have an at least slightly better understanding of what you're facing now.

When you finally get out of the hospital in November (there are breaks, but not long ones, this saga won't end for another three months), you're going to be so mentally and emotionally broken from the trauma that you're going to be pretty disgusted by the idea of turning around and going to a Christian university.  You're beyond ecstatic to finally get to go to Campbell and stay there, but you won't forget that you'll be surrounded by talk of God.  That gets better, too.  It's not as suffocating as you expect it to be.

You can't fully understand it now, but going to this Christian university will be the best thing that can happen to you.  Your first college friends will be the niece of a woman your Mom works with (it's not as awkward as it sounds) and her roommates, who bring you to a Bible study.  You pretty much fake your way through it, but you will appreciate these girls simply for being kind to you.  The first year of your college life will mostly be spent recovering from the brain surgeries and then the foot surgeries (oh yeah, those are coming next year, but you ask for them because your feet are in so much pain), so you don't get the full college "experience" at first, but you don't care because you love just being a student there.  You will meet professors who love you, pray for you, make you laugh, make you scream, and everything in between.

But even better than the academics is the friends you will make.  You know how Matt has always told you that it wasn't your fault you got bullied so much, that you weren't the problem?  (Speaking of Matt, you'll not be so in love with him soon enough.  It'll hit you like a ton of bricks one day that all he really is meant to be is your best friend and big brother.  Just wait.)  And you know how no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't make yourself believe that anyone else would ever love you even close to the way he does?  Well guess what - Matt was right.  You are going to have more love in your life than you know what to do with before too long.  You will find girls who build you up and support you through all the drama.  One girl in particular will become your best friend for life, and the best part is that, in profile, she's exactly the girl who used to make your life miserable. These girls will help you find your voice.  They will be everything you wish girlfriends could be.  They will listen to you talk about crushes, talk to you about family drama, help you get ready for a dance, and they'll trust you enough to come to you for advice for their own lives.  These girls will teach you how to love yourself the way you couldn't before.

And part of me feels like this is even cooler, you will find a group of guy friends in your senior year that you will affectionately call your brothers.  You have to weed through a lot of dramatic boys and some bullying ones, too, to get to them, but when you find them, they will make it more than worth it.  The way that these brothers love you will go a long way in healing the scars from the boys who abused you before.  They will defend you, tease you, teach you, learn from you, appease your major penchant for pictures, give you the biggest hugs, and never let you forget that they love you.  Your insecurity will make you want to question them and their sincerity, but please don't.  They are not the boys from your past.  When you question them anyway, they won't get mad, they won't run.  They somehow instinctively understand you and will make you laugh by saying they don't know why you want to hang out with them.  Bask in your friends' love.  They are only a glimpse of the greater Love.

Speaking of that greater Love, remember how I told you you'll take a hold of it one day?  Yeah.  It'll happen.  In a pretty strange way, no less.  You're going to meet a band at Campbell, visiting thanks to Campbell staff, that turns everything you think you know on its head in the best possible way.  (Just another reason to be thankful you were led to Campbell.)  Your first conversation with them, you're going to be surprised at how different they seem.  It's not that they're Christians, it's that they don't flaunt it, they don't ever preach at you.  You'll see a light in them, and it won't make sense at first, all you'll know is that you want to get to know them better.  And you will, both through the power of social media and your determination to go all over the state to see them in person again.  You'll see them a lot.  They will make it feel safe for you to ask about God and Jesus and Christianity, all the questions you brushed aside after your health trauma and the mistreatment you were dealt by Christians.  They will become such an important part of your life in such a short amount of time that your mom is going to send you on a plane to go visit them.  You'll think it's just for their celebration, but it turns out to be the biggest week of your life, because one night on that trip, you will surrender yourself to God and get baptized in a church of hundreds of strangers and two of your best friends.  It will be a crazy story to tell, but you'll never do it without a huge smile on your face.  Part of you will wish it had happened sooner, but you'll mostly just appreciate that it happened at all.

Another cool gift that comes from meeting those four kids in that band is that they will teach you not to be ashamed of your story.  They will be the first people to show you what good talking about your story can do, and they will only be the spark that lights the flame of your passion for telling people about the miracles God has done in you and for you.  One day, you'll get on a plane to Texas to meet a church of people who were affected by your story and wanted to meet you.  (Never let it be said the internet can't do awesome things.)  Over the next several months, you're not going to want to talk to anyone about the details of the trauma you face, but soon enough, you will hear what people learn from you and from it.  It's going to baffle you tremendously, you'll say over and over again just how unqualified you are to teach people anything about life or God, but every time it happens, you will thank God for using you and grow more determined to tell anyone who listen about what He is capable of.  Take hold of that passion and run with it.

You can't see it now, but where you are right now is not the end of your life.  You're going to be taken out of these ashes and made to see yourself and your life for all the beauty within.  And five years from now, you'll be sitting in your New York City apartment, having graduated Campbell with high honors, about to start chasing your dreams as you begin grad school at NYU.  That seems impossible to you right now, but it's true.

As cheesy as it is, life really does get better.  I'm thankful for your innate stubbornness, which will only be made stronger over the next few months, because you'll make it through.  Your life will never be without medical problems, but they'll be much less complicated.  You'll make it through with one heck of a story to tell and a fire for loving people that you just haven't been capable of up until now.  You have so much to offer the world and the people you will meet, and soon enough, you will see just how much the world and your future have to offer you.

You'll be more than fine.  You're going to be great.  I promise.

Yes, Taylor, I, too, am feeling 22.

So uh, yeah, it's my birthday today.  How about that?

Truth be told, I think once you get past 18 and 21, birthdays sort of lose their excitement.  I mean, it's cool and all, but there isn't some special feeling about today.  Today doesn't feel much different than yesterday, aside from the numerous people leaving comments on my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and texting me about my birthday and the cards I got from my grandma and uncle.

Anyway, yeah, it's my birthday.  It's been kind of a dud, but that's okay.  I've had some pretty awesome birthdays, and I'm sure I'll have some more.

Today has, surprise surprise, largely been spent taking care of Mom, but I'm thankful that her boyfriend came over for a few hours and gave me a reprieve because the pain has been very bad.  Mom gave me a Percocet not long after he got here and ordered me to go to bed.

I got to talk to Matt, too, which was great because I'm pretty sure this is the first birthday of mine that we haven't spent together since we met.  So that's weird, but it's life.

I did get this in the mail today.  Yes, I know the mail doesn't run on Sundays.  This is just the first time I remembered to check the mail in several days.

The Vespers' new CD!  I bought three copies (via their Kickstarter fundraiser); let's see who I decide to give the others to.

I also decided to treat myself to this.

If I can't have an exciting birthday, at least I can have chocolate wine.

Lastly, today is a special day for a totally different reason.

I pulled out a photo album and found a photo of my dad and me that isn't the same one I've posted here multiple times before...See that grin on my face?  (I was a cute kid, huh?)  I was also happiest in my daddy's arms from the very beginning.  The years that my birthday and Father's Day coincide are weird for me because I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to react.  It's hard to have this ache for someone I never really got the chance to know.  But he was still my dad, and there are things I know. I know that he was my everything.  I know that people called me "Keithina" because I was his mini-me.  I know that Carter-Finley Stadium was his favorite place in the world because he so loved the Wolfpack.  And I know he adored his girls more than anything.  So for that, I celebrate.

I pray I can keep clinging to God in the next year, because I'm definitely going to need it.

Here's to 22.

I am quite over today.

The first day or two after surgery are the worst. Add in the fact that I'm sick and I'm just all in all miserable.

Every muscle in my body hurts. It's so weird how surgery on your throat can make your abdominal muscles spaz every time you try to sit up. So needless to say, I haven't done much sitting up today.

Oh, and then there's the fact that my mother is mad at me because I'm upset that she didn't come home until almost 8:00, leaving me to fend for mysef several more hours than was necessary (because Chelsea is never any help), because apparently to her, going out to dinner with the boyfriend she sees all the time anyway is of higher priority than helping the daughter who just had surgery yesterday. Never mind the fact that I've been at her beck and call every second that I've been in this house in the four weeks since her surgery. And I was even doing stuff for her last night. You know, like four hours after getting out of surgery. But sure, I'm the outrageous and selfish one.

So yeah, I'm completely over today. At least I got to talk to Matt for like 45 minutes. That was awesome. And he's coming home for Christmas. I am stoked about that. :)

Surprises

It's 2 am right now as I start this, but before I get to all the surprises I'm thankful for today, let me document all the other, non-surprise stuff.

Medical:  they've been forcing me into seizures today.  Four total, by having me work this "arm bike".  It's like an exercise bike, I just use my hands/arms.  Since all the seizures in the past six weeks were while I was out doing stuff, they knew they had to get me to do something if they were going to trigger one, and it worked.  Once the first one happened, the doc (not my normal neurologist, some hospital guy) told me to do it as much as possible, because the more they could trigger, the more they would have to go on with the EEG/video monitoring recording.  I don't know if I'm going to have to keep doing it tomorrow.  I hope not.  Seizures are exhausting enough by themselves, even more so four in a day WHILE severely sleep deprived.  At least Mom will be back tomorrow night.

Visitors:  Yay!  I got to see people today, too.  Holly got up at what I'm fairly sure is a much earlier hour than normal and came and spent a few hours with me before work.

Alex came by when he got out of class!  This was so sweet of him.  Just being around him makes me smile because we're such good friends.

And Matt!  I haven't seen this boy since my birthday, and after his four jobs today, he managed to come by.  And I got to meet his girlfriend!  That hasn't happened since several girlfriends ago when he was a freshman in college.  She was sweet.  But I got to lay on him and hug him and mess with him and tell his girlfriend all about us, and she got to see our bizarre sibling-like bond.  It was wonderful.  11 years, 15 surgeries, and who knows how many hospital stays, and this was the first time it's actually worked out for him to come visit me while I'm in the hospital.

Okay surprises.  There were several of them.  In no particular order...

Hannah, Peyton, Emily, and Travis got back to campus just after 2 am last night...by 7:45 am I was getting texts from them.  And they miss me!

I had some sweet conversations with Ethan and Chirag, a couple of the soccer boys, and found that several of the team members know about my health and have been concerned for me.  My conversation with Chirag was really sweet; I saw what a great guy he is after really only talking to him in passing after games.

Pastor Sean and Carla and Jacob (their son) surprised me by coming all the way up here to visit!  So good to see them since I haven't been to church or small group in weeks because of all this.  Pastor Sean prayed before they left and without even knowing it, touched on things about my life and my future with this story that I've been given that I've been praying about already.

Holly came back a second time, tonight while Matt was here!

Matt actually CAME.  He's never been known for his reliability or punctuality. ;)

My blood sugar crashed and I blacked out while trying to give Matt a hug bye.  Not a full seizure, though.

I've gotten to share my story to varying degrees with hospital staff.

When I texted Mom to tell her they finally managed to trigger a seizure, Mom texted back "Excellent.  Would you like an iPhone 5C?"  Just like that.  So I have a lime green iPhone 5 coming to me tomorrow.  That shocked me big time!  I was perfectly happy with my current iPhone 4, but this makes for a fantastic early Christmas present since I didn't really want or need anything else.

And lastly, while Holly was here tonight, after Matt left, Michael called her (turns out they never broke up, it's weird but they're working things out and I'm happy as long as they're both okay).  And he actually ended up spending 20+ minutes talking to ME.  That wasn't the surprise, though; it was that while we were talking, I or the first time truly understood just how deeply he loves me and respects me.  He said things that I honestly never expected to hear him say, things so kind that they brought tears to my eyes.  And he told me he loved me over and over and OVER again.  And we actually got to talking about faith and spirituality and I learned that he does believe in Jesus, which is surprising since Holly doesn't.  This was definitely the biggest surprise of all.  And Saturday morning, he and Holly are coming back and Holly is gonna take Mom to lunch for some mother-daughter bonding, and Michael and I are gonna stay here and talk about all the stuff we didn't get to talk about tonight because Holly was getting jealous/bored. :)  I want the opportunity to talk to him more, especially since I know that he does believe in God, so I can assure him that all the good things he sees in me, all the compliments he had for me tonight, are all God working in me.  This was never something I felt comfortable talking to him about before, but he actually brought it up.  So I'm really looking forward to Saturday.

I don't think I forgot anything, but since I slept only from 3-6:30 am this morning, forgive me if I did.  Now I'm going to go type up all my contacts on the computer just in case the transfer from one phone to the other has any problem tomorrow.  Murphy's law, ya know.  If you don't back it up, you'll wish you had, and if you do, you'll have wasted your time.  But I need to kill the next almost 40 minutes until I'm allowed to go to sleep, so why not?

Today was a great day.  Love surrounds and astounds me!  God is all over this room.  I feel it.  And I also feel all the people who have been praying for me here with me.  This intense peace and joy I have, it's all God.  That's the only way to explain it.  Only God could bring this many surprises into one day to make my day even brighter.  I'm gonna hold on to this tomorrow when I spend the whole day by myself.

God is moving.  Answers are coming.  I know it.

End of a Chapter

He tried to add me on Facebook today.  I got the notification on my phone when my mom forced me to wake up and eat a sandwich around noon, and all I could think about was wanting to go back to sleep, so I just left it there.  The blessing of an excruciating migraine.

But it was there at the top of my homepage as soon as I opened my computer tonight. "______ added you."  So I did what I said I wanted to do in that post in June, and I sent him a message getting everything off of my chest once and for all.  I told him exactly what he did to me, all the questions he left me with, how badly he broke my heart, how I loved him so much and how much it killed me when he said this was just a joke to him.  I laid everything on the line for him and said that unless he could give me the full truth with no vague statements or diversions, then I didn't want him to ever contact me again.  I'm not interested in getting my heart broken again by a guy who did nothing but use me.  And then I deleted the request.

And then I texted the person with whom my relationship was nearly destroyed because of him, and told her exactly what went down, even that I sent him a message to get some peace and closure because whether she believed it or not, he broke my heart, too.  I was scared she'd be mad, but she wasn't.  She was just happy that I'd told her straight up what happened.  I knew if I didn't, he would.  She's forgiven me for everything that happened last year, for the fact that I ever chose him over her in the first place, so it's time I work on forgiving myself for the same.

I told Matt about it later, even going so far as to send him a copy of the message I sent to the boy.  His response what that I totally "shut him down", meaning there's nothing left for the boy to say back.  I told him that part of me thinks he won't respond because I know how big of a coward he really is, but part of me thinks he will because he can't stand not having the last word or being called out on his crap.  Matt said "we'll see what he plays", and without even thinking about it, I wrote back "Either way, it doesn't matter.  I'm done.  I've said my piece."

Finally, I can honestly say that I'm done with him.  I said everything that I wanted to say, and confronted him with everything that he did.  There's a lot of peace to be found in that, because the lingering torture I've felt over this had so much less to do with him and more to do with the fact that I didn't have an ending.  I didn't get to call him out on everything he did to me or all the questions he left me with.  And the beauty of Facebook messages is that I knew instantly that he saw the message.

So even if he doesn't have anything to say, maybe at least it'll make him think.  And maybe, just maybe, it'll make him understand what he did.  I don't want him to fix it.  I just don't want him to do this to someone else.

I've said what I needed to say, so it's time I turn that page and leave that chapter of my life right where it belongs...in the past.

Love her or hate her, there are two Taylor Swift songs that fit perfectly with this.  (I may or may not have included one of them in the message.)  Music speaks to me, it always has.

"Dear John" (since she doesn't have a music video for this one, I'm settling for a lyric video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91KpL8bu7fM


Particularly "Well, maybe it's me and my blind optimism to blame.  Or maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away.  And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand, and I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said 'Run as fast as you can.'"

Second, "I Knew You Were Trouble".  This is the one I sent him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNoKguSdy4Y


Spoken:  I think - I think when it's all over, it just comes back in flashes, you know?  It's like a kaleidoscope of memories.  It just all comes back.  But he never does.  I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.  It's not really anything he said or anything he did.  It was the feeling that came along with it.  And the crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.  But I don't know if I should.  I knew his world moved too fast, and burned too bright.  But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?  Maybe he knew that when he saw me.  I guess I just lost my balance.  I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him.  It was losing me.

Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago
I was in your sights, you got me alone
You found me, you found me, you found me
I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard, you took a step back
Without me, without me, without me

And he's long gone when he's next to me
And I realize the blame is on me

'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
'Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in 
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now I'm lying on the cold, hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

No apologies, he'll never see you cry
Pretend he doesn't know that he's the reason why
You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning
And I heard you moved on from whispers on the street
A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be
 And now I see, now I see, now I see

He was long gone when he met me
And I realize the joke is on me, hey!

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
'Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in 
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now I'm lying on the cold, hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

And the saddest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me, or her, or anyone, or anything, yeah

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
'Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in (you were right there, you were right there)
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now I'm lying on the cold, hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble

Spoken:  I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are.

For once, saying goodbye and letting go...didn't hurt a bit.

Worn Out

That's me in two words right now.

Lesson learned:   Don't blog when extremely upset.  It never turns out well, usually because it portrays exactly the kind of picture I don't want to give off about who I am.  You'd think I'd have learned this by now, but as my mom says, I have a thick head.

Besides, as I updated in the post last night, it only took about 20 minutes before Matt and I were apologizing to each other.  It made me remember this fact that we both agreed on a while back:  we're not afraid to argue and yell and get mad and call the other one an idiot, but we just can't stay mad at each other because we know we need each other too much.  Plus, I found out the real reason he wasn't acting like himself last night, which made the whole thing make a lot more sense.  I should've known 11 years couldn't be discarded that quickly. :)

We worked in Mom's classroom from 10:00 to about 4:15 today, and we are so close to being done, but man, I am exhausted.  And extremely sore!  I spent most of the time moving files back and forth across the room and putting them into file cabinets.  And when I say files, I mean five boxes and a 12 cubic feet rolling container of files.  My fingers are so torn u with cardboard paper cuts it actually hurts to type.  But it was nice to spend time with Mom and Rachel (her best friend) again, and to not be home alone with Chelsea and Blake, and to seem Mom's room looking so much better because I know this way she'll stress a lot less about it.

As if that weren't exhausting enough, I came home, ate dinner and started working again.  I packed all of my food and school supplies into boxes and that giant container that had had files in it, because it's so much easier to carry it in bags.  Then I did my usual Monday night chore of gathering all the trash and recycling and taking it out to the road.  By the time all that was over, I was dripping in sweat again and my back was so spastic I could hardly walk.  So then I sat on my bed and didn't get up until the season finale of one of my summer shows went off at 10:00.  I took a shower at 11:00.  Man oh man, the wonder that is hot water beating down on aching muscles. :)

Oh, and as an added bonus, my allergies are once again a total mess thanks to all the dust in the classroom. So right now I have my regular sleeping pill, 3 muscle relaxers, and 2 NyQuil in my system.  I think it's time I go to bed.

People are broken.

I knew that already; I just didn't think I'd get smacked in the face with a reminder of it tonight.

I just got in my first legitimate fight with Matt in, well, I don't even know how long, possibly ever.  All because of some stupid picture from one outlandish sect of Christianity that led to him going on some rant about "this is why all religion should be banned".  And apparently it makes me a "judgmental b*tch" to send him a private (as in NO ONE ELSE could read it) message talking about the fact that stuff like this that he posts hurts me, and that I think he knows it does.

Well, not only did he prove to me he knew it would hurt me, he told me didn't care, and went into a whole new rant that hurt me in a dozen new ways.  And of course, my mother walked in on me crying, forced me to tell her what happened, and then told me I was being oversensitive and to get over it.  Because of course she doesn't understand.

Friends warned me for a long, long time that everyone would hurt me at some point or another.  It's my fault for being stupid enough to believe that after so many years, it wouldn't happen with him.  Like, somehow, our friendship was invincible.  I guess it goes to show I had put faith in this friendship when the ONLY thing I can truly have faith in is God.

People are broken.

People are fallible.

This friendship is, at the very least, cracked.  I just pray the cracks will heal.

I'm not going to pretend people don't hurt me when they do, especially someone who is supposed to respect me enough for me to be able to tell him anything.  And I'm certainly not going to hide the one thing that is becoming a larger and larger part of who I am every day.

Even if that does make the guy who's supposed to be my best friend call me a nutcase.

Jesus said my faith would cost me.  I just didn't think it was going to happen like this, or hurt like this.  And so I write this post through blurry eyes begging for God to show me where to go from here.  And to lay with me in the meantime.

Update: And of course we can't last half an hour without texting each other to apologize.  That's more like it. :)

Love Everywhere

Man, y'all, God is so, so faithful.  I know you know that, but it's something you can never hear too much, and I can never say it too much, because it's a good reminder in those times when I start questioning things.

Today was one of those days where I couldn't get out of bed or open my eyes really for most of the day.  Third day in a row starting out like that, so I sent out a text to my "prayer team" about 11:15, knowing those folks are so faithful and would lift me up as soon as they saw the text.

Several people responded.  One of them was Jenn, who told me she and Justin updated Pastor Sean, which means I've got even more people in my church family covering me in prayer.  Several of the texts were full of confidence that I will get my healing and just reminding me to stay faithful.  They keep me focused on the Truth.  That's exactly what I need.

Not only did I get several texts, I actually got phone calls from two people that I haven't had a good chat with in ages.  First, Michal called me on her way to church, which is about a 20 minute drive and gave us a good bit to catch up.  It was so good to hear her voice and vent and talk and hear what she had to say, because she's another one of my friends that is just so, so wise, and like always, she ended the conversation by praying over me, despite the fact that she was a bit rushed.  She truly loves me, and I love her, and when I get back to Nashville, I am definitely getting a picture with her this time! :)

One of the texts I got was from Brennan.  All it said was "I will call you this afternoon" which sounded a little weird and formal, but lo and behold, he actually called me about 3:30, and despite the fact that I had to have the entire conversation with my eyes closed, he was so sweet to listen to me and give me his perspective and just be there.  My trust in him grows with every conversation.  It's gonna be a surreal moment when I see him in Nashville in November, for sure.  I'm so glad we're friends.  Things really worked out well in the end with him, and I'm so glad I never gave up on him or a friendship with him, despite what so many people who love me were saying.  He prayed over me on the phone, too, which was greatly appreciated.

My headache finally eased up around 5:00, like it has the past couple days, but I basically spent the rest of the night locked in my room with my earphones in because Chelsea was in a particularly awful mood.  Apparently I missed out on a lot, because as of tomorrow Mom is basically going on strike when it comes to helping Chelsea.  It'll be interesting, to say the least.

And to cap off the night, I just got off the phone from a conversation with Matt that lasted more than an hour.  I wanted to update him on the situation I discussed with Kyla and Caitie, not to get his advice because frankly I don't want his advice on this, but it was interesting to hear his reaction and opinion, and he even said he loves that I don't need him so much anymore but I still tell him everything.  And of course, I'm like, duh, you've only been my best friend since I was 13, you think I'm suddenly gonna start keeping stuff from you now?  :)  The funny part about it is that before he called, in a text he told me the conversation was going to have to be short because he had other people who needed to talk to him, but he got on some rants.  That's Matt for you.  But seriously, this was the perfect end to a weird and kind of rough few days.  No one gets me better than him, can make me laugh harder than him, or loves me quite like that kid does.  11 years later and we're still not sick of each other yet.  I'd say this friendship is one for the ages. ;)

But before I go to bed, even though it's already past 1 am, I have to listen to Pastor Chris's sermon from today.  He specifically told me to listen to it, and it was finally put online while I was talking to Matt.  Listening to a very wise man bring the Word sounds like a great way to end my night.  :)

And Chelsea is off for the next 3 days which means no Blake duty!

Casting Out Fear

The other day, I realized that my sisters and I actually have something in common.  I know that sounds silly, but some days it feels like we couldn't be more different from each other.

We've all, in some way or another, been convinced that we're unlovable.

We all react to that in different ways: Chelsea thinks she falls in love with any guy that gives her the slightest bit of attention, Holly places her entire worth in and centers her whole world around her boyfriend/relationship, and I ran away from everyone, certain that even the people who swore a million times that they loved me couldn't possibly really be telling the truth.  I find it happening less and less as I grow in my faith, but still, sometimes the broken and scared little girl I used to be shows up and scares me to pieces.

I actually talked about this with Taylor once, how even though I know that he, Kyla, Caitie, Bruno, and others truly are my friends, sometimes I get so caught up in my own head wondering what they see in me that I forget what I know about them.  I forget that I can tell any of them anything and not be judged.  I forget that they believed in me when I could barely look at myself in the mirror.  I forget that they faithfully see who I am beneath all the times I do something wrong and forgive me.  Sometimes I still see myself as the girl I was in high school, and I hate it.

The truth is, I'm still the girl that cares for people so intensely that it gets me hurt sometimes, I'm still the girl who just wants to be like everyone else - to be liked, to be treated like I'm not different, to be seen as lovely.  And like I said, that voice that asks why these incredible people care about me has shown up less and less as I focus more and more on my identity as a child of the King, but it's not gone.  And I don't know if it ever will be totally gone.

I'm reading this book "Captivating" right now, on the recommendation of Kyla, and I've only made it through Chapter 4, but the beginning of the book talks about how little girls just want to be seen as lovely, and the first person they look to for that reassurance is their dad.  The book talks about a lot of different situations where girls didn't get that from their fathers, but they left out my situation - a daughter whose dad left not by his own choice, but still leaving her to grow up without learning what to expect from men.  And I think that's a huge part of the reason I see myself the way I do now.  Because at 21, I'm finally beginning to learn what it's like to have a Father who sees you as perfect and lovely and a princess.

I asked Matt once why he had never, in all the years that we've been close, told me I'm pretty or beautiful or I looked nice or anything like that.  And when he told me that that was because "that's something a guy says to a girl he wants to be his girl, not what a brother says to his sister", the truth is, it hurt.  I thought to myself that if he didn't even think I was pretty, maybe all those lies were true and I really would be alone forever.

Then again, I was still crazy about him at the time.  Now I know he just didn't want to give me the wrong idea.  It was when I stopped listening to the things I'd been told all my life - that I was worthless, that no one would ever love me or notice me or want me in any sense - and started listening to him - that I had worth and sooner or later I'd find people who'd show me...when I started believing what Matt was telling me, that was when I let myself trust other people, too.  That was also when I started finding a security in us, when I stopped telling him he had to be lying to me and couldn't possibly when the whole world hated me.  I knew we could go weeks without talking and everything was still fine.  I didn't realize I'd even hit this point until he called me one day and said, "Is everything okay?  You haven't contacted me in weeks!"  I had to laugh at the role reversal.  That was when I knew I was secure in who he is and what we have and that he really was telling the truth when he said I could never get him to leave "unless I tried to kill him or something."

I think that's why I spent so much time wrapped up in him.  Not only because he made me feel wanted, but because I felt like he was just as broken and scared as I was.  He told me time and time again that I shouldn't care about him, and all that did was make me that much more resolved not to leave him just like everyone else had. I tried so hard to "fix" him, to make him see himself the way I saw him.  I tried with everything in me to make him believe he was worth more than the world told him he was.  I still don't know if he ever believed me.  Despite all that, though, I believed the feelings he said he had for me.  I felt security with him just like I had with Matt, only of a different kind.

But I couldn't let myself feel that security with everyone else.  I was so used to people leaving, I didn't want to let myself believe they were actually going to stay.  It was why every time one of them told me I'd done something to hurt them, my heart would race and my palms would sweat in terror that I was going to lose them.  But I didn't.  I still haven't.  These people have stuck by me even when I questioned them and their intentions, when I was a flat out pain in the ass, when I stuck my foot in my mouth, when I was scared I was taking too much from them and not giving enough.

But just like with Matt, I know in my heart and soul that those lies are just that...lies.  That when I freak out, it's not because I don't actually trust them.  It's because I get scared I'm not good enough for them.  These friends, though, they loved me at my worst.  And every time they showed me they weren't wavering or going anywhere, the more they showed me Christ.  And the more they showed me Christ, the more I trusted in Christ's love for me.  The less I get scared.  The less doubt I have.  The more security I have in this family that God has placed around me to draw me closer to Himself and show me the way He sees me.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."  That's a line from "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", and it is so true and evident in my life.  The less I questioned the love in my life, both from my perfect Father and the people who surround me, and just took it, the more I found my identity in the Truth, the less scared I became of falling for more lies, of getting my heart stepped on again.  But I guess that's just what love does.

1 John 4:18 "Perfect love casts out fear."

Learning

I had a talk with a friend of mine today, and during that conversation, they expressed a concern over something minor I had done a few times that could end up having negative ramifications for them and/or their significant other.  Nothing had happened yet, but of course, I apologized, and they well knew that I would never intentionally do something that could cause a problem for them.  There was no misunderstanding between us; it was more based on the nervousness of what other people could judge about it if they didn't know or chose not to find out the story of what our friendship is really like.

But it got me to thinking about something, and we even talked about it for a minute.  I don't think I ever would have realized that that thing I had done could turn out to be a bad thing, because it really was that minor, but as soon as it was mentioned to me, I understood.  I needed this person to point it out.  My mom would call me oblivious, Holly would call me naive, but the root of the problem is that despite the wonderful group of close and loyal friends that I have now, I still have no freakin' idea what I'm doing most of the time.

Part of me thinks I should have figured at least some of it out by now, but part of me thinks it's going to take a lot more than 2.5 years of forming friendships to counteract the mental damage that 12 years of either having Matt or having no one at all did to my ability to be friends with other people.  And I mean that only in the sense that all those years that everyone else was forming friendships and figuring out how to be friends with the same and opposite sex people, learning boundaries and what's appropriate and where lines need to be, I missed out.  I'm just getting the chance to figure it out now, when everyone else thinks it's common knowledge.  I'm just blessed to have the handful of people who are closest to me who know that and get that and love me even when I mess it up.  Heck, I told Ryann on several occasions that she was my guinea pig for figuring out what it meant to be best friends with a girl..

And then the conversation got to a point where I knew I didn't have to worry about this person and me, because they proceeded to analyze who I am as a person and as a friend just about as good as I've ever been able to, and I like to think I've got a pretty good handle on who I am.  This person flat out called the intense way I care about the people in my life a good thing, and knew without me saying it that the reason behind all those times I got hurt in the past was because my intensity came off wrong and people misunderstood my heart behind the way I loved them.  Hearing this just made me that much more thankful for the group of people I have walking with me who know my heart so well they can see it behind my mess ups.

This person also understood something that very few people have in my past: when I say that I need my friends to tell me 100% honestly if I've done something to hurt them, or annoy them, or bother them in the least, I mean it.  They said that most people assume I don't really mean that, and they saw today that I really did by the way that I reacted to their concern.  I never have to worry about where things stand with this person, or Ryann, or Matt, or several others, because they get it.  They come to me full of honesty and second chances so I can do my best to rectify the situation.

There aren't words to describe how thankful I am that these people instinctively know that despite however many times I may not think something through all the way or simply just go wrong, I am still learning, and I am loving them the best that I know how.  There's such a sense of security in that, security I never had before, and it is such a sweet picture of the Lord.

Birthday Weekend Recap

Let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Saturday, I woke up at the crack of dawn.  Okay, it was more like 7:45, but still, way earlier than I should have been awake on my birthday.  Eventually, I fell back asleep, though, and woke up about noon.  Mom, Mommom and Blake were at the beach (I was too sunburned to go) and Chelsea was at work, so I had the house to myself for about two hours before Mom and Blake got back.  I was texting Matt on and off, and he showed up right about 3:00 because his parents were out so he had nothing to do.  As soon as he walked in,  he was a Blake magnet, and I tell ya, I always knew my best friend was wonderful, but I had no idea how adorable he was when he gets around small children.  He played with Blake for two hours straight until Mommom got here with Chelsea and he was SO good with him the entire time.  My heart just about melted.

Since we didn't go out to a restaurant, dinner consisted entirely of things I chose: steaks, asparagus bundles, fresh corn on the cob, and my mom's incredible garlic mashed potatoes.  For once, all my grandma had to do was bring over the dessert, which was also my choice - Cheesecake Factory cheesecake: strawberry, blueberry, and chocolate mousse.  Guess which one I picked?

I had two Cape Cods and everyone had some limoncello, which I hadn't had since I was in Rome in 2005.  Funniest line of the night, Matt's immediate reaction to limoncello: "It tastes like the smell of Pine-Sol."  During dessert, Matt's momma, aka my other mother (she's "adopted" me like Mom's "adopted" Matt), came over to see me.  The funny thing is that she and Mom have the same name, except she is Sherri and my mom is Sheri. I thought that was super sweet of her, but what Matt didn't tell me was that she was bringing me a gift!  Then again, Matt may not have known.

It had a bottle of Mary Kay after sun replenishing gel, because she sells Mary Kay and saw my post about my sunburn, and two little bottles of rum.  It was great.  She stayed for about 45 minutes, and of course I had to get a couple pictures before she left.

Excuse the off-kilter shirt.  I'm not the most observant person.  Ha!  After she left, it took 45 minutes to get Blake in bed and Chelsea to leave us alone.  But then, like I said yesterday, we spent the next 3+hours just sitting on the couch like this.

Well, eventually I moved on to my back because my hip hurt, but still.  We just talked.  I showed him the blog post I wrote about him on Tuesday, he told me I was a cheeseball and thanked me.  But after that, we talked.  About God, religion in general, politics, the news (because apparently I'm not the only nerd in this friendship), and our history as friends.  We haven't had a night like this since before he moved to Raleigh in December 2011 right after he graduated college, and it was exactly what I needed and wanted.  It was pretty cute, too; while we talked, he alternated between rubbing my hair and resting his arm on me, and sometimes he'd just randomly lock fingers with mine.  It's great, because we both know I am totally over him, we can be intimate like this without him having to worry about me getting the wrong idea.

(two separate pictures, I'm not so weird that I'd crop one picture just to post it twice)

There aren't words to describe the love I have for this kid, or the love I know he has for me.  He eventually left just after midnight because I knew I had to get up at 5 to get ready for work.  He gave me a peck on the lips goodbye, again something he's never done before and could never do before I stopped having feelings for him, and I thought I was going to bed, but then Brennan called.  Two minutes later, Matt showed back up because he forgot his phone charger inside, and he gave me another kiss goodbye.  Then I spent the next 45 minutes talking to Brennan.  I knew I had to get up at 5, but I didn't care - I will always pick talking to people over sleeping, and we haven't talked in quite a while.  It was so good to talk to him.  He initiated subjects by asking questions, gave me advice and his opinion, updated me on his life, asked me on his own to text or call him after my appointment on Wednesday, and prayed over me before we hung up.  I already believed it before, but this conversation was such good reassurance - I legitimately believe that we both learned from our mistakes last year, and he really is different this time.  He even said that he will make sure we see each other when I come to Nashville, and that he's looking forward to it.  I'm so happy I listened to my heart and didn't give up on him.  The night already felt perfect after spending so much time with Matt, but talking to him was just icing on the cake.

I didn't fall asleep until close to 2 am, and woke up at 5 to get a shower.  I was at work until noon, then came back and hung out with Mom and Blake.  I got to take about a 90-minute nap before Mom needed my help entertaining Blake while she cleaned in preparation for Holly and Michael's arrival.  Chelsea and Mommom arrived just before 5:00, and Holly and Michael arrived just before 6:00.  Because both of them were able to find someone to cover their shifts today and thus did not have to leave until late tonight, we had an easy meal last night: tortellini, leftover corn, yellow rice (which I also love) and broccoli.  My grandma brought over these cheesecake bites that were delicious.  Holly, Michael, and I left just after 8:00.  We had to go to Morehead for them to get bathing suits because we were planning on going to the beach today, but we were back in town by 9:30 and headed to The Icehouse (just a great local restaurant) to have some drinks.  It was Holly's idea to take me out for drinks, which was sweet of her and exactly what I'd hoped for.

Of course, the one night we go out, the bar is completely FILLED with people I went to high school with.  I thought it was going to be super awkward, but it wasn't.  People were cordial, and a guy I know named Tyler even bought me my first drink.

I guess people really do grow up.  :)  I had a Fuzzy Navel (peach schnapps and orange juice), some concoction Holly learned from her time at Ruby Tuesday's called a Relaxer (I couldn't tell you everything that is in it, but it was good), a margarita, a small taste of Jim Beam bourbon, and a Royal Flush (Crown Royal whiskey, peach schnapps, and cranberry juice).  I was feeling good by the end of the night!  Haha!

Some random dude that Michael started talking to at the bar took pictures for us.

Sisters!  We get along so great now.  I love it.  And her.

Michael thinks he's too cool to smile for pictures.  Just kidding!  I love him.

:)  They both took great care of me, the alcohol virgin, the whole night.

We got back around 11:30, and Holly came up with one more concoction she wanted me to try (shh! Don't tell Mom! :p), and we hung out until close to 1:00 when finally, I crashed.

This is normal Michael.  I think he'll fit right in with this family. ;) I didn't even notice he was doing that.

Don't worry, I'm not becoming a big drinker or anything, but I just wanted to do something stupid this one time.  Not many people in this day and age actually wait until their 21st birthday to get drunk for the first time, and I didn't do anything absurd or black out or anything.  Besides, Holly and Michael wouldn't have let anything happen to me, and now I know that I can have a few drinks without affecting my seizure disorder.

Turns out, that much alcohol knocks a girl out.  Aside from getting up to go to the bathroom, I didn't get up until 4:00 this afternoon.  Thankfully, Holly and Michael made me drink enough water last night that I didn't have a hangover headache or anything.  I guess two consecutive days is as long as Chelsea can go without being mean to me, but hey, I'm just happy she didn't cause trouble on my birthday, so today was kind of rough in that aspect but I tried my best not to let it get to me.  I had Brennan's advice in my head, which helped.  Tonight we had Hawaiian baked chicken, asparagus bundles (because thanks to some miscommunication and forgetfulness, we had six bunches of asparagus going into this weekend), the end of the mashed potatoes, yellow rice, and the end of the cheesecake and cheesecake bites.  It was great.  I was pleasantly stuffed.

In other news, I had a pretty bad conversation with my boss today.  While I thought they were being understanding about my disabilities, but they're actually not, so as soon as I get another job lined up, I'm quitting.  I just don't have the time or energy to spend all summer miserable because of these people.  Me being me, right after I got off the phone, I started crying, partially because I was upset that I'm essentially being punished for my disabilities and partially because I knew I needed the money in order to afford a plane ticket to Taylor and Kyla's wedding in November.  But God being God, two really wonderful things happened immediately after that.

First, Chelsea remembered I had gotten a card in the mail.  It was the SWEETEST birthday card from Caitie.  I seriously teared up and smiled so big.  I'm gonna treasure it for a long, long time.

Also, my grandma overheard my mom and I talking about how much I need the money to go to Nashville in November, and she oh-so-generously offered that, if I can't get enough money saved, she has enough frequent flyer miles that she would get me a ticket with those and it wouldn't cost her a dime.  Of course, I want to be an adult and pay for this trip on my own, but it was so nice to have this backup plan.  So it's officially official: I'M GOING BACK TO NASHVILLE!!!!!!!  149 days and counting.

And so ends this absurdly long recap of the past few days.  God has been so good to me.  I have had an amazing weekend surrounded in several forms by people I know love me.  Spending so much time with Matt totally rejuvenated me to face the next two months before Campbell.  Talking to Brennan gave me a new perspective.  All the texts and calls from people reminded me just how NOT alone I really am.  A night out with Holly and Michael gave me a chance to let loose and totally forget my troubles for one night.  My grandma gave me an incredible gift.  The past three days have been filled with more blessings than I ever could have thought to ask for.  God is so good.

I'm ready to see what the next year holds for me.

Pretty Perfect

I know I said that last year was the best birthday ever, but I'm pretty sure this year topped it.  Almost entirely thanks to the fact that I spent 9+ hours with this guy.

Seriously, I didn't realize how much I needed a night like that with him until it happened.  We literally did nothing but sit on the couch for hours, and it was exactly what I wanted.

I got three hours of sleep last night before work, and I haven't had time to update at all today because I've been exhausted and busy helping Mom.  And now Holly and Michael will be here soon, and after dinner, they're taking me out for drinks and dessert.  Chances are likely I'll be drinking enough that I won't want to even think about this computer when we get home, so consider this my post for today.

And I promise, tomorrow there will be a recap of both days of this birthday fun.

But for now, just know that yesterday was as close to perfect as I could've hoped for, and I could not have been happier.

My Best Friend

I just want it to be Saturday already.

Not because it's my birthday, I'm not that self-centered, but because it means I get to spend quality time with the one person who, without fail, can make me feel safe and sane and wanted with just a hug.  He's the one who can look at me and tell something is wrong, and then hold me until I'm ready to let go.  He has always been the one person that I know can make me feel normal when the rest of the world told me I was nothing but an outsider.  He's the one person whose love has always felt absolutely unconditional, whose love I never felt I had to earn, who never held expectations of the kind of friend I was supposed to be because he always instinctively knew that I was loving him the best I knew how.

Things with my family the past few days have been, needless to say, really bad.  Worse than usual.  The kind of bad that makes me retreat back into my shell and just pray I can make it through the latest war without losing my mind.  And it's spells like this that only serve to remind me that I don't belong here anymore.

But here I sit, for another two months and one week.  In a town that doesn't feel like home, with people that don't really seem to want me around, working a job that isn't making me happy, a town where I have zero friends to make me want to be here.  Because let's face it, I do so much better loving my family from afar.

That's why I can't wait for Saturday.  Saturday means that for one night, I can be reminded of what life is like outside of this house, this town.  I can joke and laugh and talk with the person who knows me better than anyone and remember what it's like not to feel like an outsider.

The ironic part about this whole thing?  In the almost 11 years we have known each other, Matt has never been a Christian, yet I think of God every time I look at him.  Not in some I-worship-my-best-friend kind of way, but as a reminder of how much God has blessed me beyond what I could ever imagine.  I see the way Matt loves me, and am reminded that God's love for me is infinitely greater.  He hugs me in that warm way that only he can, and I remember that I can run to God and be wrapped in His embrace anytime.  God knew exactly what I needed through the darkest years of my life, and He handed me the one person who could put up with all of it, love me at my worst, and never leave even when the rest of the world told him he should.  I'm not kidding when I say that his presence saved my life every day of my high school years.

But honestly, the thing that blows my mind the most is that Matt is, I would say, the person who loves me best and most unconditionally.  As much as it pains me to say, there have been periods in my life where I've felt like I had to be something or do something well enough to earn my mom's love and attention.  I know now that that's almost certainly not the case, but that's the way it felt.  And because of the issues my mom faces in her own life, there have been times when she simply wasn't capable of being present the way I needed her to be.

Matt, though?  It was never a question with him.  Even the times when I said I was convinced that he didn't really care about me, I knew in my heart that wasn't true, I was speaking out of fear, and he later told me that he never got mad about all of those instances because he knew why I was lashing out at him even when I didn't.  He has seen me at my absolute worst and never retreated in the slightest, not even when I told him to.  I learned what it means to fight for the people you love because of him.  He is my constant reminder of God's unconditional love for me, even if he doesn't understand it himself.

And I am so thankful that I've finally gotten to the point where I appreciate this relationship for what it is and want nothing more out of it.  He is my absolute best friend in the world, my big brother, the person who knows me like no one else.  If he had ever caved to all the times I practically begged him to let me be his girlfriend, or even worse to the times when I offered my body to him in hopes that that would make him love me (and thank God for that, because I would've hated him afterwards), in the end, I know that I would have lost him for good.  I would have lost my best friend.

What we have, this quirky, bizarre relationship that no one else really gets, is the kind of gift that you can't replace.  And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Good news!

This won't make a bit of difference to anyone but me, but after a day that involved really really really bad news for Mom that I can't talk about (please pray for her) and my back being so screwed up all day that the slightest bit of movement made me want to cry, this was exactly the kind of thing that I needed to hear.

I always knew that Matt was coming down to see me next Saturday on my birthday, but at first I thought it was gonna be super late that night because he'd have to work.  Turns out, he's coming down Friday night to spend time with his family that night and the next morning, and then spending the whole evening at my house, even including my birthday dinner.  I am so so so excited!  I don't remember the last time we got to just hang out.  And it means so much to me that he's sacrificing the money he could be earning at work, which he really does need because he barely makes ends meet, just to come be with me on my birthday.  I love that kid more than I can ever explain.

Also, my manager agreed to take me off night shift and I think he's going to start giving me more hours, so that's good news, too. :)

Now, I'm off to take another muscle relaxer and go to bed.  Work tomorrow and Sunday, off Monday.

Alive

This line right here has been following me around lately.  In the Easter Sunday sermon from Chris Plekenpol, in a Tim Hawkins video, I've heard it over and over in the past several days and it's been stuck in my head the entire time.

Jesus didn't come to make bad people good. He came to make dead people alive.

It's something that took me a really long time to understand.  After my hometown church kicked me out, my initial reaction was that I wasn't good enough.  I wasn't good enough for them, I wasn't good enough for the church, and if I wasn't good enough for the church, "God's people", then there wasn't no way that I could be good enough for God.

And that just got me angry.  I knew those people weren't perfect, so why were they good enough for God but I wasn't?  Before long, all of that anger turned into nothing.  I was numb.  I knew I was numb but I didn't care.  I figured I'd rather feel nothing at all if that meant I could escape the pain and sadness that seemed to have engulfed me ever since my dad passed away.

That's when I stopped talking to anyone, save for Matt and even with him he had to pry at times to get me to say anything.  I didn't trust any other person to know the reality of what was going on inside my heart and mind, and I didn't think that God cared.  That's also when the thoughts of suicide started becoming a daily ritual.  I thought I was a waste of skin, and honestly the only feeling in me stronger than the ones that said I should never have been born and that I didn't want to live in what felt like hell anymore was the one that didn't want to let "them" win.  I wasn't going to give all the people who wanted me gone exactly the wish they'd been taunting me with.

Who knew someone could be dead and still be a fighter?  It sounds like a giant contradiction, I know, but I didn't know I was dead until I learned what life really looked like.  I didn't know I was numb until I learned what feeling really was.  And I didn't even begin to learn what life and feeling really were until I met these four strangers from Nashville one hot February day who showed me what life looked like, not with their words, but with the way they shined.  The way they laughed.  The way they listened so intently to me, like I was the only person in the room.  They still teach me those things, with their texts, with their phone calls, with the way they prayed over me just weeks ago and pray for me still.  And it all made sense when I stood in an unfamiliar church in their hometown and declared my allegiance to Christ.

I'll be the first one to tell you that I rolled my eyes for years any time someone tried to tell me that Jesus wanted me, Jesus wanted my heart, and the life I'd been pleading for and waiting for could only be found with him.  Ask my friend JD, she knows.  She's one of the few Christians in my life today who knew me at my worst.  I think she could even tell via email when I was rolling my eyes at her.  My faith has been tested more than most people even think is possible, and that's why I know I can sit here and tell you that I get it.  I get it because I've been on both sides.  I've been the one who thinks those "religious people spouting trite Christian phrases are just crazy", and now I'm the girl who wants to tell you that everything I heard in my past that I didn't believe then is actually true!

Jesus didn't come for the people society labeled "good" or "right" or "popular".

Jesus came for the broken, the outcast, the worst of sinners, so he could heal and redeem and give His Father all the glory.

Jesus came for the parents who don't know how they'll pay the bills, so he could show them that God really can work miracles.

Jesus came for the teenagers trapped in a feeling that this life isn't worth living, so he could show them that there's a better life waiting for them in eternity.

Jesus came for the ones laid up in hospitals wondering what kind of loving God would let them hurt so badly, so he could teach them that God feels and grieves their pain with them.

But Jesus also came for the ones who see themselves as having lived a "virtually pain-free life."  Jesus came for the ones who are willing to befriend the ones that everyone else ignores.  Jesus came for the ones who go on mission trips to let orphans know they are loved.

There is no being "good enough" for God.  God knows how broken and wicked we really are, and the Love He has for us is so great that He came down to ransom us from the ties that bind us to our sin.

He came because He knows that before any of us knows Him, we are dead, and He wants to show us what being alive really is all about.

"There is a God in heaven who died to be our Savior and now lives to be our King." - Chris Plekenpol

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience, among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.  But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ..." Ephesians 2:1-5