And it's only Wednesday.

Sunday was the first seizure I've had since February 2nd. That was the longest streak I'd had since this whole mess started back in September 2013. And this seizure was a bad one - my mom said it was top 5 of the worst she's ever seen me have. And it was in the shower, one of the worst possible places to have one. Especially because it means that my still recovering foot was unprotected, save for the waterproof cover I put over it in the shower, and slammed directly into the wall of the tub when I slipped out of my shower chair. So that was bad enough.

Then, Monday morning, I got up out of my recliner to go let my barking dogs out, I was adjusting my knee on my scooter, my scooter went backward, I went forward, and I fell forward to the ground directly on top of the metal bars of my scooter. That left my leg looking like this.

Actually, that's what my leg looks like tonight, after it's had about 60 hours of icing and elevation. Monday morning, it was even bigger and looked like it had Jello in it. Yeah. I actually went to Urgent Care yesterday evening because I couldn't get into an orthopedic doctor anywhere (my primary care doesn't have an x-ray machine) and was seriously afraid that I had fractured something. As it turns out, I just have the world's worst bone bruise on both of my leg bones. And I also have to get an ultrasound because the doc is slightly concerned about a blood clot in my leg for a few different reasons, so that's fun.

This coming Monday is supposed to be the "get the bandages off, yay I can start walking and getting it wet again" post-op appointment for my foot. I am just praying that neither of these nasty falls did any damage to my foot that would prolong my recovery. I don't think they did, but you never know with me. I can't do anything simply. It's like my body waited until the final week to start self-destructing.

It's been a rough week. I'm tired.

So then July happened.

Well. Wasn't planning on abandoning my blog for the month of July, but things happened, and I learned that the longer you go without doing something, the easier it is to continue not doing it.

So, let's recap, shall we?

I had a few weeks of seizure hell, but adding yet another medicine seems to be helping. Cross your fingers it stays that way.

I severely sprained my wrist in one of those seizures, which is a large part of the reason why I wasn't blogging, because typing hurts really, really badly and takes a lot of energy.

I'm incredibly behind on my thesis, largely for these two reasons, and it seems like I'm being ghosted by my adviser and department so I can't get an answer on when exactly it's due which is just adding to my stress.

I finally got my surgery set up for August 19th, which is later than the doctor originally told me it was going to happen. I cannot wait for that day to get here because I am miserable from pain.

My depression has been rearing its ugly head for these reasons, but one other one is the biggest reason for it. I'm leaving New York. On August 20th. I don't really have a choice. The financial situation in the family that's been going on for the past year and a half is no longer sustainable, and despite me sending out a crapload of resumes, I didn't get a single callback. So no money. No job. No PhD program acceptance. I have to go back to North Carolina. And I hate it. I HATE IT. I thought when I moved up here, I was finally freeing myself from all of the negativity and drama back there and planned on never going back, and two years later, here I am, headed back to the place I never wanted to live again.

Don't get me wrong. There are things I will be happy about seeing/having/doing regularly again. Like my mom and Blake. And the food. And the beach. And the sports. But the idea of leaving everyone I love here is heartbreaking to me. So I'm really not okay right now. Time is running out quickly in the city I love with people who mean the world to me and it is making me very very sad.

So yeah. That about sums up July. I'll try not to abandon my blog in August.

Call me Ms. Scratch. Minus the serial killer part.

(Criminal Minds fans will get that reference.)

My head itches so bad right now. I have an EEG hooked up to my head until Thursday morning, so that means not only do I have a crapload of glue and cream in my hair and tape all over my head, I can't take a shower so my whole body just feels gross.

But it was either this or be in the hospital for four days, so at least I get to feel gross in the privacy of my own room and don't have to have an escort every time I want to so much as go to the bathroom.

Mom gets here in one week! I'm so freaking excited. I know it's only going to get more real once I pick up my cap and gown, which I plan on doing Thursday after I go drop this machine off, because no way am I going there looking like this. I've been getting enough stares just here in my own neighborhood. Luckily, one of the guys who is a bouncer at a bar around the corner and also lives above it said he'd take care of me if anyone harassed me over it. I don't think it'll happen, but you never know. Drunk people get stupid.

In the meantime, I'll just be here chipping away at the paper and 4 assignments I have left to get done.

And trying not to scratch my head. That, too.

Did I mention I'm tired?

In the past week, I've had three days of migraines,

two seizures,

gave myself a concussion in the second one,

slipped and fell in the shower and nearly broke my elbow (because I'm a klutz, not from a seizure),

and gone to the ER three times in three days.

The good news is that my neurologist managed to fit me in for an emergency appointment this Thursday because despite the fact that my seizures are becoming less frequent, when they do happen, they're coming on much faster and don't give me time to protect myself. So I'm tired.

The one blessing in all of this is that my church family has been absolutely incredible. I'm so grateful for the blessings of community that God has placed around me in the past few years, but even more so now.

March Madness

March is here, which means basketball season is coming to a close and everyone is fighting to get into the national tournament. Considering the only chance that State has of getting in is if they pull off a miracle win of the conference tournament, I'm not quite as invested as I have been the past few years.

Besides, I'm dealing with my own March madness. It's basically the midpoint of the semester (Spring Break is next week) which means everything is moving faster than a roller coaster towards graduation in 71 days. All the assignments are piling on top of each other and I have to get my Master's thesis in top shape and I have to get it all done on time if I want to walk.

Which is why it's...unfortunate, to say the least, that my seizures are coming back hard. It makes sense, I suppose; you have stress-induced seizures, and of course they'll get exacerbated in your last semester of grad school when you also have an internship to worry about.

That doesn't make it easy to deal with. I don't have time for this. And it scares me that this could derail everything. It drains my energy every time I have a seizure, and I don't have time to waste. Plus, I injured my knee and ankle in the most recent one (Friday), and I'm on Vicodin which is making me even more exhausted than I usually am.

But fear gets me nowhere. The only option I have is to keep pushing forward and fighting like I have every day of my life. I can't give up now. Even though that would be the easy option. Because man, I am tired. So tired. And scared. And frustrated. And a million other negative things that can beat me if I let them.

(Side note: This is a perfect example of why I tell people t they're crazy when they start looking at me like I'm Superwoman. I don't have it all together. Not even close.)

Romans 8:28. Just use this for something, Lord.

It's been an overwhelming few days.

Sunday, I had a seizure at church. My first seizure in 49 days.

I went to the ER because my neck hurt really bad and I couldn't get up without crying.

A CT scan revealed that my neck was fine from the seizure...but that there is a lesion in my throat right near where my thyroid used to be (yeah, thankfully it hasn't decided to grow back again). The CT machine doesn't have the capabilities of telling what the lesion is in terms of a tumor or cyst or something else, but the doctor said that with my history of tumors in that area, the odds weren't exactly stacked in my favor. He told me to get to my endocrinologist ASAP.

By some miracle, my doc had an appointment open yesterday morning. Usually, because she's only there a couple days a week, it's pretty much impossible to get a same-day appointment. I brought her the report, and the radiologist had actually written in there that he was recommending an MRI with contrast to find out what it is. So she got that scheduled immediately, and last night at 8:30 was basically the only time they had open all week. So I went. Then, I spent 4 hours in the ER to get my shunt reprogrammed because I couldn't just go to my neurosurgeon's office because of the hour. By 11:15, I was in excruciating pain (it started hurting worse about 3 minutes after the MRI started), so the wonderful doctor went and ordered me Morphine without making me try lesser drugs that were not going to work. Bless him.

Well, I wasn't expecting to get results on the MRI until next week when I went back for a follow-up with my doc, but her nurse called me today because the report had just gotten faxed to her. The MRI still couldn't tell us what is in my throat, so she said my options were just a regular ultrasound or an ultrasound-guided biopsy. I was like, uhhh biopsy, I want to know what the hell this thing is and what we need to do about it. So...I have a biopsy next Wednesday.

My nerves and anxiety have not really been handling this well the past couple of days. I'm really scared. How I found out about this lesion is literally the exact same scenario as how I found out I had tumors last time. And yeah, the chance of cancer is really low, especially because my tumors have always been benign, but it's just, this is the fourth time I've been faced with this. And I'm scared this is going to be another tumor and I'll have to deal with another surgery. I'm just overwhelmed because I so was not expecting to have to deal with any of this. And plus now, like, I've never had a biopsy before (believe it or not) so that is not really doing anything for my anxiety.

But here's the thing. I have been practically flooded with support since this started on Sunday. From everyone at church, to Summer who I was texting throughout that afternoon, to Clayton and Austin, to all of my soccer boys, I am acutely aware of just how incredible the people who love me really are. They tell me I'm Superwoman when I feel like I'm falling apart. They believe I'm going to be just fine when I'm struggling and scared. There hasn't been one second since I got this news on Sunday that I have thought I was alone in this. I am incredibly thankful that I have this security in the midst of a lot of uncertainty.

Last night, I had a dream about the day I met The Vespers. I specifically remembered how Bruno told me, "You're going to do big things with that testimony, bigger things than I'll ever do." And despite my fears, that's really helped keep my perspective in check. I can't control what's happening - it's happening whether I like it or not - but what I can do is pray that God will use whatever comes out of this to add to the story I've been given to tell people. Romans 8:28 says that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. He's done that with stuff from my past that is a lot worse than this, so I believe He can use this, too, and make good come from it. I see that already in the fact that while it sucks that I had a seizure after seven weeks free of them, if I hadn't had that seizure, I wouldn't have found out about this lesion. So this what I'm praying for, because I feel like that's all I've got. I want His plan, not mine.

So yeah, I'm scared of what's going to happen, but in the end, I know that I'm not going to have to face it alone. And that's enough reason alone to say praise God.

Before I had the seizure, this is one of the songs we sang at church.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord,
still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I don't know about you, but I quit believing in coincidences a long time ago.

Progress. Finally.

So I had two more seizures on Sunday. God bless my friend Christian, that's all I can say. He's starting to feel like my guardian angel.

After that, they decided to admit me and kept me hooked up to a video EEG again because 7 seizures in 8 days is just not okay.

We finally FINALLY got some answers. It turns out I have a mix of epileptic and non-epileptic seizures. The epileptic seizure happened in my sleep, which is crazy because that's the first time I've heard of that happening.

So it's back to therapy for the non-epileptic seizures, and it's gonna take more trial and error to figure out what to do for the epileptic seizures, but at least with it marked on video and EEG, Friedman has something to go on.

I'm so happy there's finally progress. And also, I have a doctor who was determined to treat me no matter what kind of seizures they were. Which is vastly improved over the treatment I was getting in NC.

Sunday night to Thursday morning, that's where I was. I got out and spent basically all of Thursday sleeping. Hopefully things will get better from here. Friday will be a bunch of errands and phone calls.

So. There's this.

So let's recap some things I didn't talk about in yesterday's post because it was Mother's Day.

I've been seriously contemplating quitting my job. Mostly due to the seizures I've had and the fact that it's hard on my body and it's so hot there with the AC broken and no clue when it will be fixed (see: seizure flare-up). But also because I need to do something that doesn't kill so many brain cells.

Yesterday: Up till 7 am unable to sleep for unknown reasons.

Missed church.

Slept.

Went to work.

Talked to the shift lead (she's super sweet) right after my dinner break. Told her I would do my best to make it through the shifts that are already on the confirmed schedule, but I was feeling like this was really what I needed to do.

30 minutes later: seizure.

Paramedics came.

Told them I didn't think I needed to go to the ER.

Had another seizure, falling on the paramedic.

Told the manager I couldn't come back. Period.

Usual ER trip, with the addition of learning the DEA has a file on me with red flags. AWESOME. -_- (Hey, DEA. I have a long medical history with a lot of problems. I'm not a drug addict. But thanks for the concern.)

Home. Unable to sleep.

Today: Migraine.

Turned in EU paper.

Turned in official letter of resignation to work.

Lots of sleep.

I planned to start work on the last paper, but meh. I still have time and it just was not going to happen today. Oh well.

Talk about a disappointment.

Well, I thought that, at the very least, I'd get to go to work today on Cinco de Mayo and be entertained by a barrage of drunk people in need of snacks, similar to what happened on St. Patrick's Day.

Instead, I went and it was another normal (see: BORING) Tuesday at work for the first several hours of my shift, until I had a seizure around 8:40, slammed my head several times into the linoleum floor behind the register, and then spent the next several hours in the ER on Dilaudid and getting a CT scan. What an overall disappointment.

The one good thing was that I had the best nurse ever. The doctor ordered a shot of Dilaudid in my arm so that I didn't have to get it IV, and the nurse instead went and put an IV in anyway so it would work faster and stronger. And I barely felt the IV going in at all. And plus he was just funny and friendly and I love nurses like that.

But seriously, I'm tired of being in pain and I'm so, so tired of seizures.

Good comes out of bad.

Once again, my body ruins an amazing night.

Two seizures while out at Murphy's with this crazy crew.

me, Holly, CH, CL, CL's friend J, the roommate, A, D, and D's friend L

But D and L, two brilliant nurses, took total care of me and kept me from getting hurt and keeping me calm while I felt sick beforehand and coming out of them afterwards. 

They and A came to the ER with me and Holly, where they proceeded to go into total nurse mode, talking to staff for me and making sure I was taken care of to their high standards. 

A, the quiet and reserved one in a very loud and crazy bunch, was so sweet to me the whole time, almost scared to touch me, but holding my hand whenever I asked for it. 

And D and L stayed long past when A and Holly left, only leaving when I ordered them out because because L had been awake for more than 24 hours and D was falling asleep hunched over. Even then, they still didn't want to leave, asking me over and over if I was sure I'd be okay alone before I shooed them away for their own good.

So even in the midst of feeling awful, even through my lack of sleep, I was filled with the recognition that I am so loved. It's baffling that people who have known me for a week combined care so much, not just because they're nurses, or because I'm their friend's sister, but because, for a myriad of reasons, they're my friends now, too.

I am lucky.

Life is cool.

Because sometimes my British parents (Paddy's parents) pick New York City for their first visit to America and they make a crazy itinerary fit in with my schedule and I get to see them and hug them for the first time in almost seven years. And they're still my Mum and Dad and I'm still their American daughter.

Because my time with them ended right before stuff at the dance studio started, and I had told the staff that I would come back tonight if it were at all possible.

Because I got to dance again (for FREE) and confirm that dancing really is something that makes me feel my soul come alive.

Because the staff there already feels like family. When I only met them last week. (I told Mike that the DWM Soho staff were some of the nicest people I've met in New York and he replied, "That's because none of us are from here." Ha!)

Because I made it through the whole event (group class + party) before I had a seizure. Literally, people were packing up and leaving. Talk about frustrating.

Because when I started crying from embarrassment, people hugged me and told me I had nothing to be embarrassed about or feel bad about, that they were still glad I was there. And they didn't tell me I shouldn't come back, just maybe that I shouldn't push myself so hard. (Which I knew that. The group class plus the party was more than an hour and a half of dancing, but the lesson yesterday was only about 35 minutes, and I had no problems in the group class which was about 45 minutes, so just that might be fine time-wise.)

Because out of 8.5 million people in New York City, and 1.8 million in Manhattan, I got the exact same two EMTs as last week. What are the odds?

Because when I was feeling really down and upset and frustrated, I called Clayton, and an hour of talking things out with my best friend helped me calm down. That's one of the many reasons I know he's my best friend - talking to him helps me calm down when I feel like everything is out of control.

Because wrestling with questions is okay, even if sometimes I don't feel like it is.

Because my life is never going to be simple and I'm never going to be able to do everything that I want to do, but I'm still trying. I'm still stubborn. And I'm still living.

Because I don't have enough going on at the moment.

So you know what I learned today?

A pinched nerve on your spine can make someone with epilepsy have a seizure.

I learned that when I had a seizure (for the first time in two months) at church (surprise surprise) and woke up barely able to move my legs and feeling like my legs were on fire.

That led to another ER trip I can't afford only to be examined by an ER doctor who told me it sounds like I pinched a nerve on my spine (while sitting in a church service, hold your applause) which freaked out my brain and caused the seizure. Or something like that. They gave me a big shot of something for the inflammation and sent me home.

I spent the vast majority of the day in the recliner barely able to move, but by nighttime I was able to take a shower and the burning eased up. Needless to say, it'll take a few days for the pain to be back to normal.

My life is so much fun.

This day was a long one.

And the sad part is, I didn't leave the house until almost 1:00.

But after class I spent two hours at the health center trying to get set up with therapy services.

And then I went to the Verizon store to buy a new cell phone charger because mine got stolen after it got left behind in the classroom where I had a seizure on Monday.

And then I went to a church friend's apartment for a meeting, except the cab driver had no idea how to get there so it took way longer than it should have.

And then I spent two hours pretty much at that meeting.

And then, we were walking back to the main road so I could get a cab home, and I had a seizure with no warning.

Two seizures, actually, but I didn't wake up between them.

And I fell on asphalt.

Ow.

So then I ended up getting stuck at NYU's hospital overnight.

That was fun.

Good news would come, though...well, at least I'm calling it good news...

Some days just call for ice cream.

And days that include waiting 20 minutes for a metro to show up

and then it being so packed you can't even try to force yourself to smash in there,

spending the next 20 minutes trying to hail a cab with one bad arm and another that you can't hold up for very long,

finding out your brand new ID doesn't work,

almost being late to class,

having a seizure,

spending the rest of the day with a killer migraine,

and your mother insisting on taking $300 out of your account so she can buy herself a birthday present even though you're barely going to have enough to make it to the end of January when your next set of loans comes in

are pretty much the prime example of ice cream kind of days.

This was really not my day.

Questions

I really wish I understood why I keep having seizures at church. Seizures that are supposedly stress-induced at the least stressful place in my life. Is there something standing between me and God? Is there something in my heart that I don't realize? The people at City Grace could not be more welcoming or loving even though I'm two for two in interrupting services with a seizure. I'm so happy to be there, to be around them, I don't feel stressed when I'm there. I want to attribute it to the heat, because it is hot in that theater, but I have this nagging question that maybe there's something more, something my eyes haven't been opened to yet. I hope it happens soon, but I also remember what Pastor Ben prayed over me this morning.  He prayed for me to have peace no matter what, even if the seizures continue, and that I will be filled with the knowledge that not only does God love me and God has a great and real plan for my life, but also that the City Grace family has welcomed me with open arms and they will love me no matter what happens. I get so caught up in embarrassment, feeling bad that I've interrupted things, that I lose sight of the fact that they want to take care of me and they just want me to be well. But still, I can't help but wonder why this keeps happening there, and almost entirely only there, and if there's something that God is trying to get across to me that I'm just not seeing yet. In His time, in His way, it will be, I know that much. He is with me, now and forever.

Another late night ahead.

Well, the streak ended.  Had a seizure at church today.  Luckily, I avoided another hospital trip because I was sitting down.  And I'm grateful it's been 13 days since the last one.  Progress!

So...I killed about four hours of my afternoon taking a nap after church because between the late night I had last night and the seizure, I was absolutely exhausted.

After that, I (finally!) finished the reading for Political Thought.

Now, I have to get another French video ready for tomorrow, and somehow piece together the answers for these very difficult essays questions since I have no idea which one will be the test question tomorrow.  (The professor makes someone roll a die to determine which one we respond to.)

Here's hoping I can manage to get some sleep tonight.

Blessing After Blessing

Well, my seizures are back.  I had four of them tonight, two in my night class (which is, ironically, Emergency Preparedness Management) and two outside my dorm when I got back from the hospital.  And I'm aggravated.  Really aggravated.  I thought I was past that, but instead, my seizure medicine has gotten below the normal level in my blood again.  I don't understand what is going on and why things just keep piling up on me.

But being aggravated gets me nowhere.  So I've been sitting here trying to figure out what to write for tonight's post, and I forced myself to look for the blessings, because I knew they had to be there.  And they were.  They are.

Like how before all this went down tonight, I got to have lunch with my friend Zack who asked if he could talk to the leaders of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes campus chapter to see if I could be one of their guest speakers because he said "people need to hear me".  And how I had dinner with Austin right before this night class and was able to pray over him.

And how a firefighter and two guys jumped right up from their desks and ran over as quickly as they could to help me as soon as I told my professor that one was coming on, despite them not even knowing my name.  Or just the fact that there were people who had dealt with seizures before in my class at all.

And how my professor wasn't mad at me.

And how I knew I needed to get my shunt checked out because I fell on that side of my head and slammed it into the hard floor when I started seizing before that firefighter could get to me, and when Mom unknowingly called me while I was in the ambulance, she didn't get mad at me.

And how Campus Safety took my bookbag and laptop to their office so I didn't have to worry about bringing it with me.

And how my vision cleared up before I got to the hospital.

And how I had a doctor I've never seen before, but he listened to me.

And how my shunt was okay, despite the center of the pain being right on top of the pump/valve in my head.

And how there was an actual reason behind this, that my seizure med is too low in my blood, and so I didn't feel crazy.

And how my soccer buddy, Justin, didn't mind coming out to pick me up at all, so that I didn't have to get charged by Campus Safety for a ride, even though this was the first night we'd spent any time together outside of the soccer games.  And he brought Bryce with him, so I got to see that sweet friend of mine.

And how Justin bought me food, even though I had money with me.

And how they came around to my side of the car to hug me when we got to my dorm, so I could sit back down when I felt bad again, and Bryce was right there to catch me.

And how two girls, Morgan and Heather, just so happened to be outside and see what was going on, and rushed to help.  And I had met Morgan briefly through church, and they ran to get a blanket and pillow from their room and helped Justin and Bryce the whole time.

And how the boys helped me get inside and the girls carried my stuff inside, and they didn't leave until they were sure I was okay.

And how the girls insisted that I borrow one of their fans, because my room felt stuffy to them.

And how before I insisted they all leave because it was 11:00 and they'd spent so much time taking care of me, we all joined hands for prayer.  And Bryce spoke for the group and nearly moved me to tears with what he said.  And I realized yet again that I do have friends, real friends, even in people I thought could never really love me.  And he didn't stop rubbing my hand the entire time.  And when he thanked God for the blessing that I am, I was forced to learn yet again that people see the good in me when I'm so much more inclined to focus on my shortcomings, and that my heart for my friends is noticed and appreciated, and that I can be a blessing even when so much craziness is going on in my life.

And how Zack texted me these verses while I was in the ER when I told him I couldn't go to FCA tonight, and they were exactly what I needed to hear.

"for the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity." Proverbs 24:16

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand." Psalm 37:23-24

And lastly, how I'm sitting here with a smile on my face after a crazy, crazy night because I made myself search for the blessings.  God is good all the time.  All the time, God is good.

God's Timing

Another seizure this morning.  Luckily I managed to get on the ground before this one, so I got to avoid a hospital trip.  Doc says the new dosage should kick in by tomorrow.

But that's not what I want to talk about.  What I want to focus on, what I'm thankful for, is stuff that happened this afternoon.

I recovered from my seizure in time to go to my appointment with the Dean of Students at 3:30.  (Don't worry, I got a ride from Campus Safety.  It's on the other side of campus.)  I got there early, because, well, I show up early for everything.  While I was waiting, I had a conversation with Pastor Chris, and he told me to listen to this week's sermon after my meeting.  I normally listen to it on Mondays, but with getting back from the trip and then all the craziness of the past few days with school and whatnot, it sort of got lost in my to-do list.

The sermon, titled "How to be Rich", focused on 1 Timothy 6:17. "As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides with everything to enjoy."  I didn't understand why he wanted me to listen to this sermon, considering most of it was about money and generosity, until he got to the very end.  Then, Chris talked about a faithful leader in their church who was just diagnosed with cancer.  It was like I felt God telling me, "Stop putting your happiness on your health, and put in on Me."  Joy comes from something higher, not our earthly circumstances.  Tears started falling...

And the Austin called me back, before I even finished the sermon.  I talked to him about how I was feeling, and he did what I can always rely on him for - he prayed with me.  He thanked God for me and for my life, and the tears started coming harder.  When the prayer started, I didn't even know what to say, and I sort of stumbled through my words.  The good thing about God is that He knows what's on my heart even when I can't figure out how to say what I want to say.  One of the last things Austin said to me before he had to go work on a paper was what a blessing it is for him to know me.  We hung up the phone, and I absolutely lost it.  It's amazing how crying can feel good, isn't it?

Then I pulled out my Bible and saw the verse that comes right after 1 Timothy 6:17.  6:18 - "They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share."  So maybe I do have a body that doesn't work right.  But I have a mind and a heart that work overtime.  And as some dear friends once told me, my mind, my heart, and my ability with words more than make up for what my body can't do.

So today, I'm thankful for how God orchestrated all of those small things one right after the other for me.  I needed it.  He is so good.

Nice Hospital Staff

So...today was my first day back to school in six days.  I was excited, and actually felt pretty good!

And then I blacked out with no warning at all in the middle of my first class.

They changed my seizure meds again yesterday because of the seizure I had on Sunday, but it's back to the one medicine and dosage that I was on for years seizure-free, so chances are high that my body just needs a few days to get used to being back to the one med and on the higher dosage.  I'm really hoping that this works, because I'm really tired of this mess.  Especially with Thanksgiving and finals and then Austin coming up.  I need to be well!)

The only reason I went to the hospital is because I fell.  At this point, I'm well aware that the hospitals can't do anything for the seizures, but my neurologist said that falling is one of the few reasons that I should go to the hospital.  I had to get a whole slew of X-rays, which made the body pain even worse, but as soon as those all came back okay, the doc released me and Hannah was there to pick me up.

But today, I'm thankful for the nice people that took care of me at Central.  No one treated me like I was crazy, or a drug addict.  People were nice and attentive.  The doctor listened to me.  The nurse was patient and caring and made me laugh.  The X-ray techs were super friendly and felt so bad they were causing me added pain (wasn't their fault!).  After all the time I've spent in hospitals, not only do I know how difficult their jobs are, but I've had everything from absolutely spectacular to terrible and frustrating care, so I appreciate the good ones that much more.

Here's just hoping I won't have to see the ones around Campbell again anytime soon.

Unexpected Answers

I ended up getting stuck in Nashville for an extra night tonight.  There are tornadoes all over the Midwest, and my Nashville-Atlanta flight that was supposed to leave at 6:45 got delayed until 9:54, meaning I would have missed my Atlanta-Raleigh flight entirely because they don't have any middle of the night flights, so my only option was to reschedule everything for tomorrow morning.  Thank the Lord I have the most amazing friends.  Caitie and Bruno turned right around after dropping me off at the airport tonight to pick me back up.  Caitie texted Taylor (while on their honeymoon!), and Kyla called in a favor and got me a free night at the hotel and gave me information about a taxi service that would take me to the airport since I would need to leave long before the free hotel shuttle opens.  And then Caitie gave me money for the taxi because I needed to have money to eat tomorrow morning.

But anyway, what happened today?!

I got up and got ready in the only clothes I had left, because I wasn't expecting to go to church while on this trip.  (Thankfully the church is super casual.)  I packed all my stuff up and went down and checked out and then ate breakfast.  I waited for Bruno to come pick me up, and then we went back to get Caitie, and then we headed to church.

Strong Tower is a church that I've been listening to for several months online at Taylor's recommendation, so I was very excited to actually get to attend a service.

I laughed because the second song we sang included these words.

And I instantly remembered the Scripture that Calah had told me about on Thursday.  It felt like a little message from God, so I took a picture to make sure that I wouldn't forget it.  The church greeted all the new people, and everyone who said hello to me immediately made me feel very welcome.  Danny Gokey (yes, the guy from American Idol) was there to speak a little about his Nashville-based charity, and he sang a song that gave me chills.

I don't remember what else happened after that, because things got a little rough...I ended up having a seizure up in the balcony.  I think it was triggered from how warm it was up there.  You know what's awesome, though?  Apparently Bruno had Caitie go tell one of the security guys that was nearby, and he radioed all the other security guys, who then got all the medical professionals in the building up to help me.  So when I woke up, I had EMTs, nurses, and I don't even know who else helping me.  It's church policy to call 911, so the paramedics had to come check me out.  As we were waiting for them, I heard Pastor Chris (a different one, haha!) get a woman up there to pray for me, and hearing a huge church full of people who didn't know me shouting with prayer for me was...so humbling.  I don't even know how to accurately describe it.

I initially didn't want to go to the hospital, because I figured there wasn't much point, but the EMTs sort of insisted (and I was still too out of it to argue with them) and sort of convinced me that it would be dangerous to get on a plane that night without getting properly checked out.  So off we went.  Bruno and Caitie followed behind the ambulance.

The ER of the hospital we went to was pretty slammed, so it took quite some time for me to see anyone.  And by "quite some time" I mean close to two hours.  These two sweet friends of mine were so patient, though; they wouldn't even go get something to eat, despite not having eaten at all that day, until the doctor came in to see me.

When the doctor came in, they left, and the doctor talked to me and checked me out.  He checked out my shunt and said he didn't like how it felt, so he ordered a shunt series (X-rays from my head to my abdomen, the whole length of the shunt) on top of the usual CT scan.  The nice man also ordered me some Dilaudid and Zofran.  I went to X-ray, Bruno and Caitie came back, and then I went off to CT.  Then, I just had to wait for the results.

This is where the title of today's post comes in.  The doctor walked in the room and told me that shunt/brain-wise I was fine, but that I have a mass on my thyroid.  I reminded him I didn't have a thyroid, since I'd had it removed for tumors in halves in 1999 and 2007.  That was when I learned that if my surgeon left any tissue cells in after the second half removal, that it could regenerate, and with my history of thyroid tumors, easily grow another tumor.  No one had ever told me that before.  So yeah, I get to go back to the ENT I haven't seen in several years (the one who did the second half removal) and see if this doctor was right.  I'm scheduling that for the day after I leave Campbell for Christmas break.  If it is indeed correct that I have another thyroid tumor, it looks like I'll be spending my Christmas break dealing with thyroid surgery.

I'm...I don't know...a bit irritated, I guess.  I had enough health stuff going on, so finding out that I not only had an organ that I thought was gone as of 6.5 years ago but that it also has a new tumor on it wasn't exactly what I was looking for.  I don't want to have another surgery.  But I'm so much more thankful than I am upset.  The tumors I had at the past two surgeries were the same non-cancerous kind, so chances are high that if this is a new tumor, that it will also be non-cancerous and thus the only obstacle is getting it out.  By going to the hospital when I thought I didn't need to, by seeing this one particular doctor who didn't like how my shunt felt, I found a problem that I wouldn't have otherwise known about until it became serious (like when I was 6 and we didn't know I had a tumor until you could see it sticking out of my throat).

So today, I'm thankful that the Lord led me to answers.  Even though, to me, it felt like we accidentally found them, I know that this was never an accident to him.  He's got it all planned out.  And His protection is definitely something to be thankful for.