It's been a while.

So...oops?

I kept meaning to blog, but the past two weeks have been kinda rough, so the days kept slipping by, and it just kept becoming tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

Let's catch up, shall we?

We have air again, as of last Friday, so three cheers for that. That was a long two and a half weeks, but it just breaks my heart even more for what the people of Puerto Rico are going through. The timing of that definitely kept it all in perspective (most of the time).

I went to the neurosurgeon last Thursday. None of the tests he ordered showed anything, so he's pretty much at a loss for what to do or what is going on with my head. There is one more test he could do, but he's really hesitant because there's a high risk of infection, especially with me being a MRSA carrier, and we're pretty sure this test is how I contracted staph meningitis back when I was 17. Plus, he's not confident that this test will produce any results, since the other tests didn't, so putting me at such a great risk for what will probably tell us nothing seems like a dangerous idea. So I had him fax all of his records back to my neurologist, and I'm waiting for a call from him to see if he has any ideas on what to do. I can't afford the copay for the Botox (it's way more expensive than the Botox I did when I was still at Campbell), so I don't know if he has any other ideas. If he doesn't, I may go through with this other test from my neurosurgeon just to try something instead of giving up, because I am tired of being in this much pain. Otherwise, I'm kind of screwed.

Last weekend, what I thought was just allergies and my typical sinus issues moved into my chest and turned into a full blown respiratory infection. So Monday, I got to go to the doctor and get a stronger antibiotic than I'd been on two weeks before, a steroid inhaler, and meds for my nebulizer machine. Woo. Always something with me.

Most of the week flew by because I've slept a lot because I've felt like crap (as one does), but Thursday, I did make it to my psychiatrist, and she changed my depression. I haven't seen her in two months, because at my last appointment, things were going well enough that we thought I didn't need to come back in a month, but things have gone so downhill with me mentally since then that I knew I needed to change something. Luckily, she is awesome and didn't even question my request once I told  her about how bad things had gotten. I told her that I talk to my therapist every week, I take my prescribed medication every day, I do everything I'm physically capable of to take care of myself mentally, so I have to try changing meds, because I can't keep feeling this awful. So we'll see how this goes.

Hands down the highlight of the past two weeks, though, was the two hours I got to spend on Facebook video chat with Clayton today. I know I say this all the time, but I am so, so, so lucky and thankful that he is my best friend. No one makes me laugh harder or teaches me more, let alone all in the same conversation, than he does. He is one of the few consistently good things in my life, and one of the very few people that make me feel completely safe and free from judgment. I can talk to him about my relationship with God, my struggles, my anger, my frustration, especially with everything that's been going on with my head and the doctors being stumped, and he doesn't shame me for any of it. Instead, he reminds me not to shame myself, like I am prone to do. But what was different about our conversation today is that he actually put on his "Spiritual Director" hat (his words, not mine) and asked me about my prayer life and gave me some advice on how to broaden it and change my perspective on who I see God as in the midst of my current struggles. I'm used to talking through different stories and passages in the Bible with him, and he's taught me a lot about theology, but this was something totally new. And I loved it and totally appreciated it. He doesn't want me to stay in this rut that I've been in for a little while now of feeling angry at and abandoned by God. The level to which he cares for every facet of my wellbeing (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) is very comforting and humbling.

I'll tell you one thing: I would be lost without my people. That much I know for sure.

And it's only Wednesday.

Sunday was the first seizure I've had since February 2nd. That was the longest streak I'd had since this whole mess started back in September 2013. And this seizure was a bad one - my mom said it was top 5 of the worst she's ever seen me have. And it was in the shower, one of the worst possible places to have one. Especially because it means that my still recovering foot was unprotected, save for the waterproof cover I put over it in the shower, and slammed directly into the wall of the tub when I slipped out of my shower chair. So that was bad enough.

Then, Monday morning, I got up out of my recliner to go let my barking dogs out, I was adjusting my knee on my scooter, my scooter went backward, I went forward, and I fell forward to the ground directly on top of the metal bars of my scooter. That left my leg looking like this.

Actually, that's what my leg looks like tonight, after it's had about 60 hours of icing and elevation. Monday morning, it was even bigger and looked like it had Jello in it. Yeah. I actually went to Urgent Care yesterday evening because I couldn't get into an orthopedic doctor anywhere (my primary care doesn't have an x-ray machine) and was seriously afraid that I had fractured something. As it turns out, I just have the world's worst bone bruise on both of my leg bones. And I also have to get an ultrasound because the doc is slightly concerned about a blood clot in my leg for a few different reasons, so that's fun.

This coming Monday is supposed to be the "get the bandages off, yay I can start walking and getting it wet again" post-op appointment for my foot. I am just praying that neither of these nasty falls did any damage to my foot that would prolong my recovery. I don't think they did, but you never know with me. I can't do anything simply. It's like my body waited until the final week to start self-destructing.

It's been a rough week. I'm tired.

The Reality of Chronic Pain

I woke up in severe pain today, much more pain than I was in yesterday, and with no explanation. Most people would probably be confused as to why this happened, but at this point in my life, it's something I'm quite used to. When you live with chronic pain, days sometimes throw really awful surprises at you.

When your pain flares up, the simplest things require giving yourself pep talks, from sitting up in bed to standing up to go to the bathroom.

When your pain flares up, you want to sleep to get away from it, but your body won't let you sleep because you can't get comfortable in one position for very long.

When your pain flares up, your joints get stiff and beg to be moved, but moving them hurts so badly that you're scared to do it.

When your pain flares up, you lay still trying to rest while stressing about everything you should be doing that day.

When your pain flares up, every single step is a calculated move.

When your pain flares up, you have to decide what is worth getting up and moving for.

When your pain flares up, you sometimes forget what it feels like not to be in that much pain.

When your pain flares up, you practice putting on a face around others so everyone you see believes that you're okay and won't worry.

You learn not to talk about it because you don't want to sound like you're complaining. And that's not what I'm intending to do here. I just want people to understand that there are a lot of illnesses and health conditions that you can't see that still do exist. There are plenty of people suffering on a daily basis who push their pain to the side and out of other people's view because they don't want it to become other people's problems.

Here's the truth: I do that on a pretty much daily basis. People think I deal with this stuff so well, and that I seem to have my stuff together more than most, but I don't. Trust me. I really, really don't. I just learned how to hide it years ago when I came to the realization that this pain wasn't going away. I used to hide it because I didn't want it to define me, because I don't want it to hold me back. Then, it became more that I hid it because I finally had real friends and I didn't want to annoy them or make them feel sorry for me. I wanted to be normal, even though I knew that I really never would be.

I hurt. All day every single day. Some days more than others. That is just the reality. I've spent so long hiding it and plastering a smile on my face on the bad days, and I'm at the point where I just don't want to do that anymore. Not because I want pity; please, whatever you do, don't start pitying me. I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want people to think I have my life under control. Sometimes it feels like life is controlling me.

Do I recognize that I still have plenty of blessings in my life? Yep. You bet I do. It's those blessings that keep me going. But those blessings don't make this part of my life suck any less. And I know I'm not the only one like this, but I can only share my story, and if my story can help spread some empathy in the world, then at least it will do some good.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." - Wendy Mass

I wanted to make this post more eloquent, but well, reality isn't always pretty, so here you go.

It's always something with me.

I ended up in the ER today.

Not because of a seizure, praise God, but because of chest pain unlike anything I can recall having ever experienced.

After a bunch of bloodwork and a chest X-ray, everything came back normal, and a dose of morphine took my pain down enough that I was no longer wanting to scream and cry, the doctor came in and said everything came back normal. He said that because I've had pleurisy attacks in the past, that was his best guess as to what was going on, despite not being able to see inflammation on the X-ray. Either way, he said there was nothing he could do, so he sent me home. My pain level was still at an 8. I knew he was right, that there wasn't really anything he could do after ruling out all of the scary stuff, but it still wasn't comforting to go home in that much pain without pretty confident answers.

The one positive of this trip, aside from it not being because of a seizure, is that I had a nurse that I absolutely love. And after the doc first ordered me a pain med that is basically glorified Ibuprofen (even though he knew I'd already taken Ibuprofen) and that I knew wouldn't work, but I took it to appease him, my nurse went back and got the doc to get me the morphine because the pain had only gotten worse. Yay for a great nurse and a doc who didn't treat me like a drug-seeker.

Of course this was the one day that I didn't bring my phone charger thinking it wouldn't be a big deal for the two hours I'd be at church (thanks, Murphy's law), but I managed to make my phone battery last through the whole time until I got home. I'm really thankful for that because I had the three girls who helped me at church when all of this happened plus several of my friends praying and keeping me "company." That's about all I can ask for.

I'm not worried about all of this. I know I'll be fine, and that I'm just going to be pretty miserable for a while until it goes away. I'm really just aggravated with the timing. This pain really, really sucks, and the next 3 weeks until the end of the semester and I leave for NC are going to be absolutely crazy and packed to the max, so I cannot afford to have pain make me waste any of my days. So if you see this, if you wouldn't mind praying that this pain goes away soon and that I can handle all of my work in the meantime, I would really appreciate it.

Okay, I'm going to watch my Sunday night TV show, Quantico (check it out!!!), and go to bed. Because morphine.

One of those days...

Today's one of those days where I just want a break from this story I've been given.

My pain is getting worse not better and I didn't fall asleep until 9:30 this morning and got up at 1:00, so I'm dead tired but still can't sleep because of the chest spasms.

I'm frustrated.

I'm upset.

And I'm tired of being so miserable.

That's not pretty, but at least it's honest.

When Pain Keeps Me Awake

In peace I will both lie down and sleep for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. ~ Psalm 4:8

This would be my comfort; I would even exult in pain unsparing, for I have not denied the words of the Holy One. ~ Job 6:10

That first verse from Psalm 4 is one that I learned many months ago from my friend Phil, one that he told me he'd prayed for me when I was in a period of being unable to sleep much at night. I don't remember if it was anxiety or physical pain, but that doesn't matter. That verse is one I have often recalled since he first texted it to me.

The second one, well, that's just one I looked up today, with a little help from Google. And wow. God knew I needed that verse today because my attitude has been so far from "exulting". According to dictionary.com, exult means to "show or feel a lively or triumphant joy, rejoice exceedingly, or be highly elated or jubilant." Yeah...I haven't been that. I've been closer to its antonym.

The past couple of days have been very rough physically. When I got home Thursday evening, my legs and feet were in really bad shape, but I figured that it was just because I had to walk farther to my evening class than I had for any of last semester's classes. So when I got home, I sat down for the rest of the night and moved as little as possible, thinking that I just needed to rest and the pain would alleviate.

Except then I woke up yesterday morning and walking was even more painful than it was the night before. I made it through what I had to do yesterday, and then I had to wait 45 minutes for a subway on the way home in a station that didn't offer a bench. Again, I thought if I just sat down and rested for a while, things would ease up.

Except then I went to bed last night and was completely unable to sleep. It started while I was on FaceTime with Clayton, the muscles in my chest cramping up despite the fact that I wasn't moving and hadn't had any problem with them in the previous 24 hours. I think I managed to hide it pretty well, though, since Clayton didn't say anything. If I laid on either side, I got stabbing pains in my hips and the chest spasms would start back up, but if I laid on my back, my legs cramped and twitched uncontrollably.

So I just laid in bed. I stared at my phone for a while, trying to distract myself from the spasms and pain and just general discomfort that spread throughout my whole body as the night went on, but then I just laid there, begging and pleading for sleep to come. I got a few hours spastic, completely unrestful sleep this morning, waking up just before the Wolfpack game started, but then I fell asleep in the second half and slept again until 7 pm.

I don't think I was angry last night, I was just sad and miserable. But either way, I was far from being exultant. I was far from resting in the promises of the Lord that are the same truth when I'm feeling good as they are when I've got tears rolling down my eyes in pain. So I hope that I can use last night as a lesson and a reminder to hold tight to the promises of God and who He is even when I'm caught up in what I'm physically facing at that moment.

Because God is the ultimate comforter.

Because God doesn't change, but my pain levels will.

Because it seems so very bipolar to go from praying with Clayton with a heart of gratitude to sad and exhausted in just a matter of hours.

Because God is Emmanuel, here with me always. He was there in the bed with me last night.

Because God is good. Always. And He doesn't ask me to praise Him for the pain (or whatever hard thing it is I'm facing), He just asks me to praise Him through it.

Because by choosing not to praise Him even when it's hard, I'm choosing to deny the holiness of my Father.

Because I am seen and known and loved and cared for by the King of the universe.

Because He gives me enough to get through, moment my moment. I made it through today.

But mostly just because He is GOOD.

Oops I did it again.

Maybe this is a sign I should try sleeping without the sling? It's not like I can really do any damage because I've been sleeping in the recliner, especially with the pinched nerve problem. But it makes me nervous. I really don't want to mess up my shoulder again, but I also can't take the pain of not letting it out of the sling. I tell ya, if I didn't have this ice pack, I would be doomed. I've been having the ice pack on my shoulder and the heating pad on my elbow and lower arm to help with that cramping. The simultaneous ice and heat is an interesting combination.

Today it poured rain most of the day. When it pours rain, you just kind of want to sleep the day away, you know? At least I do. But the roommate and I did manage to get to the grocery store during a break in the rain. So that's good.

My program adviser informed me that one of the classes I originally signed up for was being cancelled for not enough enrollment, so I had to go back and pick a new class. Well that worked out very well for me because when I did, I found all three of the original classes I wanted to sign up for but could find on my original attempt at registration. So now I have a schedule that I am really excited about (and no morning classes and only two days a week!). I just need God to work out this funding. Seven weeks left to get it. Sigh. Mom and I are going to see Aunt Dinah while I'm home. I'm so scared she's going to say no or even worse, get mad about it, but I can't not ask her at this point.

Two more days of classes.

I'm super tired. Good night.

Apparently I can take my sling off in my sleep now.

Because I woke up and it was unhooked from me. I think I remember thinking that my elbow was hurting but don't remember taking it off. But who can blame me for that? My elbow has been at a right angle for three solid months now. It was bound to get cramped. So I went to get a glass of wine next door tonight because the roommates are bugging me majorly and decided to go without my sling since it is just next door and wasn't any major physical activity and my arm seriously hurts being straightened out and not strapped to my stomach. So that'll be fun to deal with.

I know I'm a whiner. But my body is weird and annoying.

My new coat and gloves came in today! Mom got them for me for Christmas since I don't have anything appropriate for a New York winter. The timing was perfect since it didn't get above 30 degrees today which is only a foreshadowing of things to come.

I'm going to have to figure out how to get to and from the grocery with one arm tomorrow. I've been asking Holly to do it for a week now and now it seems like she's just ignoring me to be mean and I'm tired of having to spend so much money because we have no food or drink in the house. So that will be interesting. Especially if it's as cold tomorrow as it was today. Eh, even if I can't wear the coat because of my sling, at least I can wear my gloves.

Truth be told, the cold may be rough, but I much prefer it over the heat, and I really can't wait for my first NYC snow! :)

Because I don't have enough going on at the moment.

So you know what I learned today?

A pinched nerve on your spine can make someone with epilepsy have a seizure.

I learned that when I had a seizure (for the first time in two months) at church (surprise surprise) and woke up barely able to move my legs and feeling like my legs were on fire.

That led to another ER trip I can't afford only to be examined by an ER doctor who told me it sounds like I pinched a nerve on my spine (while sitting in a church service, hold your applause) which freaked out my brain and caused the seizure. Or something like that. They gave me a big shot of something for the inflammation and sent me home.

I spent the vast majority of the day in the recliner barely able to move, but by nighttime I was able to take a shower and the burning eased up. Needless to say, it'll take a few days for the pain to be back to normal.

My life is so much fun.

It's strange to use "only" and "concussion" in the same sentence.

So, good news is I only seem to have a mild concussion from Wednesday, which would be enough to cause the memory issues I've had since I hit my head. I was thankful to actually get checked out, since the ER didn't do anything except clean up the area of my head and seal the wound and tell me to go home.

And then I came home and fell asleep for several hours because I didn't sleep much last night. Probably because I'd slept all day from the awful pain from the hit. And also because I ran out of Vicodin that allowed me to sleep through my shoulder pain on Monday.

When I woke up, I went and got my new set of keys from my super (hooray! that man is awesome, seriously), checked my box and found a Vicodin prescription that my surgeon sent me to get me to surgery because I can't get a pain management place to call me back. Then I went to the pharmacy. I got that filled, and found out that even though my primary care said she was sending in a Levothyroxine prescription when I left her office today because my endocrine doctor is now on medical leave so I can't get it from her she actually didn't send it in, but luckily I still have a few more pills. I also bought an ice pack that the pharmacist said would be excellent for my shoulder surgery and an Ace bandage type thing just in case the strap that is on the ice pack doesn't work, because that's happened to me before. Then I went to Supper for some lemon pasta because, well, it's lemon pasta and since I had all my keys now, my roommate didn't have to wait around to make sure I could get back in the apartment.

I came back and got caught up in random TV shows for several hours. The roommate made a cake for absolutely no reason. Holly came home and we watched John Oliver and The Big Bang Theory. I probably should have been reading stuff for Monday, but oh well. My head seems to finally be healing from Wednesday, so I might actually be able to focus on reading something tomorrow. That's seemed pretty impossible the past few days.

I really hope my blog takes a more positive tone soon. I feel like I've had nothing but bad news for a while now and I don't like it. Sorry for being such a downer, but I'm doing my best.

In other news, how about that Shonda Rhimes?!

Lesson learned: Must be more careful, at least when my scalp is involved.

I have had a splitting headache for the vast majority of the day. Like the couldn't move kind.

And when I could move, it was only to go sit in the recliner and watch The Big Bang Theory, Grey's Anatomy, Scandal, and How to Get Away With Murder for several hours, and finally manage to take a shower to wash all the blood and goop out of my hair.

This may have been a small cut, but oh my goodness, I had forgotten what it felt like to actually cringe when massaging shampoo into your hair. And even though the cut is on the left side of the top, it hurts everywhere. Which I can only assume is due to bruising on my scalp from the hit.

I'm a little concerned by the fact that I'm having a lot of trouble remembering things, but I'm sure it's probably nothing.

But yeah, that pretty much sums up my Thursday.

Oh, that and I got to help one of my soccer brothers find sources for his English paper. I told him I was happy to help and that being in political science, you get a lot of practice at digging for paper sources. Which is totally true. Besides, it took me like 20 minutes to find all the information he needed, and that was while watching Scandal. Why not help? :)

All I'm doing tomorrow is going to get the cut checked to make sure it's healing okay, but Holly has been kind enough to put Neosporin on it a couple times, and she says it's looking good, so that should be fine.

Sleep time. Yay.

SMH

That's text speak for "shaking my head."

So I'm getting more annoyed with the neurology people I'm now a patient of by the day.

Last week, in an attempt to appease me as I sobbed in pain, anger, and frustration, the doc and NP told me that they would set me up with a pain management doctor to help me survive the next four weeks until I'm allowed to have surgery. That was the one good thing they did or said that day. I was busy trying to stop crying listening to the NP sound totally condescending, so by the time I went to check out, the receptionist lady was already on the phone and asked me what time I wanted for the pain management appointment. She wrote down the address and time and I was on my way and didn't think anything more of it because I was just really happy to get away from them.

Fast forward to this afternoon for my appointment. The imbeciles did not send me to a pain management doctor. They sent me to a rehab doctor, a doctor whose job is a mix of diagnosing injuries or helping people get back full function post surgery. NEITHER OF WHICH I NEED RIGHT NOW. So I don't know if they lied to me or they're just stupid or what.

The silver lining of wasting an hour of my life waiting to see a doctor I shouldn't have been seeing anyway is that the woman felt so sorry for me for the bad directions and for the pain she said she clearly saw that I'm in that she wrote me a prescription for Vicodin that will last me at LEAST until I see my surgeon next Wednesday. She was very kind and didn't talk down to me or act like she knew more about me than I do or anything like that, which was a nice treat compared to the neurology people.

So maybe I'll sleep for more than four hours at a time tonight for the first time in weeks now that I finally have something to at least take the edge off the pain. Vicodin doesn't help much, but it's better than nothing.

I'm really, really glad I don't have anywhere to go tomorrow. Mostly because I have a whole lot of reading to do. Ha. Go figure. But for now, I sleep.

Shoulder Pains

Doctors can be aggravating.

I saw the doctor who referred me to get the Cortisone injection for the first time in two and a half weeks, and the vast majority of my 45-minute appointment was listening to him talk about how he doesn't understand why my shoulder still hurts.

And how if the pain I'm feeling is really from my labrum tear, then the Cortisone should have helped. Even though I explained to him that I got Cortisone treatment for the torn cartilage in both of my knees, and I still had to have surgery on each of them.

And the dangers of being on Vicodin for too long...even though this dude knows my medical history and knows I've been on pretty much every narcotic under the sun and am still not a drug addict, AND it's been less than a month.

And how he could try to get me into see the orthopedic surgeon at his main office instead of waiting for him to come to NYU in two weeks, but he doesn't think the surgeon will want to do anything about this, talking to me like I'm anxious to have my 23rd surgery (which he is aware I've had that many) as if I really want to have to deal with the possibility of surgery in the middle of my first semester of my Master's program. And don't even get me started on him suggesting a medical leave of absence over a SHOULDER injury. Let's just say I quickly explained to him that I've done that before for some way worse stuff and it's not going to happen again, and if I took a leave it would equate to me never getting my degree because my life is never calm or free from health problems.

I genuinely do not know how I'm going to make it to Christmas break before doing anything else about my shoulder when even writing a blog post or my weekly 1-2 page response papers makes my whole shoulder and arm feel like someone is stabbing it, and I'm going to have approximately 75 pages of papers due in December in quick succession. I have to find SOMETHING to be done, because I cannot keep going on in this much pain with my one good arm pretty much out of commission.

The question is what that something will be, and what's it going to cost me.

Too much.

Too much sleep today because of my migraine.

And too much reading per class. Like really, 200 pages a week for one class is just nuts.

Will be working late and then have to finish it tomorrow after church since it has to be ready Monday morning. At least this professor gives us until class time instead of 9 pm the night before.

And then get straight into the stuff for Wednesday. And then Thursday. My life will be one big reading cycle until Christmas.

It's quite frustrating to constantly have pain getting in the way of things I need to do.

Just saying.

Okay, back to work.

At least there's some answer.

I have a small tear in my labrum, the main ligament around my shoulder joint. Also some piece of it that's supposed to have a pointy end now has a rather flat and blunted end. So you know, I'm not a hypochondriac.

The doctor says he thinks that the tear is not big enough for the orthopedic surgeon that comes to NYU twice a month to want to go straight to surgery.  So on the 25th, I'm getting cortisone injections and will see if that helps, and if I'm still in pain by October 14th, I'll have a meeting with the surgeon.

So the good news is that there is an answer to the cause of my pain (though the doctor acted like he thinks I should be better by now) and there is a plan to deal with it.  The bad news is there is a lot of wait time involved, and the doctor is so obsessed with the dangers of narcotics that he won't give me enough to last through the waiting. So I'm gonna have to deal with that later if the pain doesn't go away on its own.

I'm ready for t-shirt and jeans weather.

Well, the CT was awful. First they did several injections, first of lidocaine which did not work very well and then the iodine contrast injections. Then they twisted my arm in a way that an arm does not normally turn, so that hurt muscles all the way up my upper arm. And then they weighed my hand down with a sandbag to keep it all still.  And they actually did X-rays and a CT scan, so it took an hour and a half. Ninety minutes of feeling like someone was punching me in the arm, twisting my already injured joint, and having to bear through it. My jaw was clenched for most of it.

The good news is that  I have an appointment for 5:00 tomorrow to get the results. Hopefully answers and a plan of healing will be coming.

Anyway, I went to get lunch after that and got a burger and fries at a pub, and then googled a place to get dessert. My period has got my sweet tooth out of control this week. I found this French cafe that was about six blocks from where I was, on the other side of where I had to go for class.  Totally worth the walk.

I got a chocolate tart and chocolate eclair and it was worth every penny. Crazy good. The only downside was that by the time I got there, my legs were locking up on me pretty bad, and I had to walk four blocks to get to class. I made it, though. Barely.

God bless my professor. She sent me home halfway through class because she said I looked like hell. And between the even worse arm and shoulder pain from going through the scans this morning, and then the extra walking, and the heat, I felt like hell, too. I almost called a cab, but decided I needed to save the money and get the walking in if it was at all possible.

So I dragged myself home. Thankfully, I was so overheated by the time I got to my block that I didn't know how I was going to make it up the stairs, and the waiter I know at the cafe next door served me several glasses of ice water so I could cool down. I was absolutely drenched with sweat, which is hilarious because the high today was 10 degrees lower than it's been for the past week.

And then I made it. I got up here, took off my socks and shoes and laid directly in front of my air conditioning unit and fell asleep.

I got up in time to follow along live for the boys' soccer game.

I'd say that was good. :) The boys are 3-0 so far this season, first time since 1988. Yay!

Hands down, the best part of my day, possibly my week, was this.

I finally got to FaceTime with my brother and favorite hippie. Aka Austin. :) He is the best. Like seriously, we can talk about serious, deep stuff or absolutely nothing, it doesn't matter, every conversation leaves me grinning. He just has that effect on me. I'm so glad I know him.

I've been too mentally drained and in pain to do anything else the rest of the night except complete crossword puzzles on my phone and watch Criminal Minds. I'm going to get a good night's rest, though, because tomorrow I am going to have to buckle down and read a lot. Ah, school.

Some days just call for ice cream.

And days that include waiting 20 minutes for a metro to show up

and then it being so packed you can't even try to force yourself to smash in there,

spending the next 20 minutes trying to hail a cab with one bad arm and another that you can't hold up for very long,

finding out your brand new ID doesn't work,

almost being late to class,

having a seizure,

spending the rest of the day with a killer migraine,

and your mother insisting on taking $300 out of your account so she can buy herself a birthday present even though you're barely going to have enough to make it to the end of January when your next set of loans comes in

are pretty much the prime example of ice cream kind of days.

This was really not my day.

Well, I got my work done.

But that's all I got done today.

Well, that and shaving, which I was very much in need of.

My shoulder is so messed up. And the painkillers are making me tired but not really doing anything for the pain. But the doctor already said he won't give me anything else until we get the results from the CT scan, so I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

At least my only work for Thursday is reading, and it's online so I don't have to hold a book or anything like that.

And now I'm going to bed because yeah, I was up until 3 reading last night and made myself get up at 10:15 so I didn't sleep all day and totally ruin myself for tonight, but yeah, exhaustion from the painkillers and muscle relaxers and nausea meds is making me almost fall asleep at the computer.

Gnight. Hopefully I make it to class and back tomorrow okay. Even walking is harder with my arm in this sling because I have to hold my purse with my right arm, which I don't normally do, and so it throws off the alignment of my spine and thus hurts my whole lower back and hips thanks to all my stupid nerve damage. Ugh. If this had happened to my right arm, it wouldn't be nearly as big of a deal.

Okay, enough whining. Help is coming, and for that I am grateful.

Mistakes in pushing myself.

Pushing yourself to your limits can be a good thing. I push myself to work when my head pain makes me want to just sleep. I get outside when my mind tells me I should just stay in my room. Oftentimes, it can show you that you're capable of more than you thought you were.

But sometimes, I push myself for things that aren't always worth it. I made myself do the Anima video that got released last night. I told myself that the new videos get looked at more, and I wanted anyone who saw this new video being released to have captions if they needed them.

Bad idea. Bad bad idea.  My shoulder did not like that at all.  Looks like I really will have to put my Anima work on hold for a while. That makes me sad.

You know, I never realized how many muscles a simple act like typing actually required before this. Random thought.

I spent most of today sleeping hard as a rock. I didn't even get up to eat until 5:00. Then I watched my soccer boys get another solid win via the livestream and followed along on Twitter to see Wolfpack football get another win, too, so that was a good evening.

I'm excited to go back to church tomorrow. So thankful that I already have that family.

Also, binge watching Criminal Minds continues. Tomorrow I will have to buckle down and work on the reading assignments, but for now, I will enjoy my show.

Glad today's over.

Class today was, fine, I guess. It was a typical introduction to the course class and we had to do those cheesy interviews to get to know each other or whatever. Mostly the material he talked about today makes me think that this class is going to bore me with way too much reading and not enough things I'll actually be interested in, but we'll see.

And this afternoon I was supposed to go to the hospital and see a neurologist about the 4 seizures I've had in the 3.5 weeks I've been here, but NYU's health insurance rules say that I have to be seen by an on-campus doctor first to get a referral to go somewhere off campus. So I wasted an hour out of my afternoon and $20 on cab fare to be yelled at by an obnoxious woman at the hospital's business office. So that was fun.

The good news is that the student health center can fit me in tomorrow.  The bad news is that I didn't tell them I would also like to be seen about my shoulder, because I hadn't decided on that yet when I set up the appointment. I hurt it when I fell in the seizure in my room two weeks ago and figured it was just sore, but the pain never totally went away, and then it came back strong when I fell on Sunday and it hurts all the way down my shoulder blade in my back, like I've got a seriously pulled muscle or something. I hope that's just all it is. This is my left arm, and I'm left handed.

Said shoulder pain is making it very difficult to work on Anima videos, because I feel it even worse in my shoulder blade, a stabbing pain, when I'm typing. Better to slowly chip away at the list than not do it at all, I guess. As of right now, I have 15 videos left (out of 62) on the list, and I plan on getting one more done and then going to bed. Not too bad for how I've been feeling and I just got the project on the 25th.

I'm so tired. I got almost eight full hours of sleep and I'm just so out of it. Good night.