This is what I'm most thankful for this year.

Well, more like this is who I'm most thankful for.

Forgive me for risking sounding like a broken record, but Clayton, Jay, Reafe, and Tunji are my angels on earth. This year, more than ever before it feels like, they have carried me when I didn't think I could walk. They have saved me from myself when I felt like giving up was the only option and couldn't see a way forward. They have held me up when I felt like I was collapsing and refused to let me go when they saw me slipping into that dark hole. 

No matter how isolated I've felt this year, I've always known that I had someone I could call or text, someone who would be there to tell me the truth of who I am and how much I am loved. They've let me vent about the same fears and the same stresses over and over again and never once gotten annoyed or tired of hearing it. They each encourage and push me in their own unique ways, and I can't imagine my life without each of them in it. 

Clayton is my spiritual/faith encourager. He's the one I can go to with all of my questions and fears and frustrations about God and know that even if he doesn't have any answers, he won't judge me. Conversations with him always help me work out struggles with my faith. Even if I'm not feeling God's presence anywhere else in my life, when I talk to him, I remember that God is here and God is alive, because I see God in Clayton. I truly have learned more about God from him than any church service I've ever gone to or could ever go to. 

Jay is my, stealing a quote from Hamilton, "look at where we are, look at where we started" friend. Because he has known me longer than anyone currently in my life, he has the unique ability to remind of how far I've come and grown, and he really knows what he's talking about. Because we've seen each other through so much, he's seen firsthand everything that I've overcome and uses that as his proof that I'm going to keep growing and keep moving forward. He reminds me that even if I feel stuck now, it's not going to stay that way, because it never has - I've always overcome. 

Tunji is the one who forces me to find the humor in life when I can't see past whatever hard thing is in front of me. That may sound like more of a distraction than an encouragement, but it's not. He has this instinctive ability to know when I need to laugh and has no shame about doing whatever is necessary is order to make that happen. And by making me laugh, he reminds me that there is always something light in the world. There is always joy to be found somewhere. I just have to be willing to look for it. Even if it's found in one of my best friends saying the most random, off-the-wall nonsense just to make me smile.

Reafe is the one who pushes me to hold on to positivity when that feels impossible. He is the first to remind me to choose joy when letting the pain win is the much easier option. He unashamedly reminds me of why he and others look up to me so much, and that, in turn, forces me to remember that there is good coming from all of this. Texts from him always remind me that as long as I'm alive, God is using me for something, and that it's going to be okay in the end. Even if I can't see it getting better right now, it's going to get better. 

The real, blunt truth? These four guys are the main reasons I didn't try to kill myself back in September, why I stopped and called for help when the thoughts first entered my mind. Because even though I thought at the time that their lives would be easier without me in the long run, I knew that I couldn't hurt them, and I know for a fact that losing me would devastate all of them. Their presence alone in my life, even though they are hundreds and thousands of miles away, reminds me that I matter to someone when I feel like my biological family only cares about what I can do for them, not actually about me. 

An exchange trip I wasn't supposed to be allowed to go on to a city more than 4000 miles away. A class I randomly joined for a Twitter experiment. A soccer team I never intended on meeting, let alone becoming friends with. I met all four of these guys in the most accidental ways, and now, they are the most important people in the world to me. That's God, y'all. That's all God.

I've said it a million times before, and I'll say it again: DNA doesn't make a family. Love does. The relationships I have with Clayton, Jay, Tunji, and Reafe are all the proof I need.

So yeah, if you were to ask me what I'm most thankful for this year, I would give you this answer without a second thought. It's these four guys right here. They are my angels, my saving graces, my four best and truest friends. Since I can't change my health issues, at least I have the comfort of knowing that I have people to help me get through them. I couldn't ask for anything better.

Windows of Light

Well, all hell broke loose here today.

I can't get into how exactly for several reasons, but suffice it to say that Chelsea has taken her stellar decision-making skills to a whole new level and it's probably going to have ramifications for a long, long time. So that's awesome. And it nearly sent me into a panic attack tonight. Which is really shitty timing, especially seeing as Blake is at our house for who knows how long.

Thank God that I have the best friends on the planet, friends who are more like family than my biological family at this point. An hour with Clayton and 45 minutes with Tunji, and I actually feel like I can breathe again.

My family-friends (yes, I just made that up), they're the ones who actually care about how I'm feeling and are willing to listen. They care about how the stress of everything happening in my life is affecting me. They care about supporting me and lifting me up, instead of telling me basically to just suck it up and deal. They're here through everything, even though there are hundreds of miles between us and they have craziness in their own lives to deal with. They just get me, as stupid and cliché as that sounds. Tunji and I call each other "Siamese twins" for this reason; we're not just incredibly similar, we also have the innate ability to understand each other even when we can't find the words to communicate coherently. I used to be able to talk to my mom like this...until she stopped having the time or energy to care.

I told Tunji that I've spent the past 14 months that I've been in North Carolina taking care of everyone else and their problems and trying to keep them happy and balance everything and putting myself last because I've felt like I don't really have a choice; after all, nobody else seems to care that I'm dealing with severe and constant pain through all of this. You know what Tunji said in return? Two things. One, that he admires me so much because I've been able to keep hold of who I am at heart in the midst of all the crap I've been through - goofy, smart, outgoing, caring, and loving. After all, one of the reasons I stopped myself from attempting suicide is because I didn't want to hurt someone else (him). I haven't given up on trying to live my life and be myself. Two, that I am the most loving and caring person he knows, and I deserve to have someone love me and take care of me. He believes a guy will come along love me the way I want and deserve to be loved, and until then, I have him and so many other people who are going to make sure that I am never alone, no matter where I am.

These two conversations tonight, these were a reminder and comfort I needed that God is still here and God is alive. At the end of our conversation and prayer, Clayton read a blessing that he said he'd never read before but was led to, and when I heard it, all I could say was "God is good." Read it for yourself. Maybe you need it, too.

May you be blessed in the holy names of those
Who, without you knowing it,
Help to carry and lighten your pain.

May you know serenity
When you are called
To enter the house of suffering.

May a window of light always surprise you.

May you be granted the wisdom 
To avoid false resistance;
When suffering knocks on the door of your life,
May you glimpse its eventual gifts.

May you be able to receive the fruits of suffering.

May memory bless and protect you
With the hard-earned light of past travail;
To remind you that you have survived before
And thought the darkness now is deep,
You will soon see approaching light.

May the grace of time heal your wounds.

May you know that though the storm might rage,
Not a hair of your head will be harmed.

Typing it out now, one line stands out in particular: "May a window of light always surprise you." These two conversations tonight, they were my windows of light. In the fear and stress, they were reminders that I am not alone, I am loved, there is good in this world, and maybe God isn't as distant as it has seemed lately. They were the light on a hard and dark day.

I think maybe my family is going to need me to be their window of light now more than ever. And it's going to take supernatural strength and peace, because J am tired and overwhelmed trying to do everything on my own hundreds of miles from the people who know and love me best.

Lord, help me. Just, please. Whatever it takes. Help me. Help me help my family. I need you. I'm tired and confused and don't know what to do. But also, thank you for my friends. Thank you for my windows of light. I get it now. I'll try not to forget it next time, but I might need some reminding.

It's been a while.

So...oops?

I kept meaning to blog, but the past two weeks have been kinda rough, so the days kept slipping by, and it just kept becoming tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

Let's catch up, shall we?

We have air again, as of last Friday, so three cheers for that. That was a long two and a half weeks, but it just breaks my heart even more for what the people of Puerto Rico are going through. The timing of that definitely kept it all in perspective (most of the time).

I went to the neurosurgeon last Thursday. None of the tests he ordered showed anything, so he's pretty much at a loss for what to do or what is going on with my head. There is one more test he could do, but he's really hesitant because there's a high risk of infection, especially with me being a MRSA carrier, and we're pretty sure this test is how I contracted staph meningitis back when I was 17. Plus, he's not confident that this test will produce any results, since the other tests didn't, so putting me at such a great risk for what will probably tell us nothing seems like a dangerous idea. So I had him fax all of his records back to my neurologist, and I'm waiting for a call from him to see if he has any ideas on what to do. I can't afford the copay for the Botox (it's way more expensive than the Botox I did when I was still at Campbell), so I don't know if he has any other ideas. If he doesn't, I may go through with this other test from my neurosurgeon just to try something instead of giving up, because I am tired of being in this much pain. Otherwise, I'm kind of screwed.

Last weekend, what I thought was just allergies and my typical sinus issues moved into my chest and turned into a full blown respiratory infection. So Monday, I got to go to the doctor and get a stronger antibiotic than I'd been on two weeks before, a steroid inhaler, and meds for my nebulizer machine. Woo. Always something with me.

Most of the week flew by because I've slept a lot because I've felt like crap (as one does), but Thursday, I did make it to my psychiatrist, and she changed my depression. I haven't seen her in two months, because at my last appointment, things were going well enough that we thought I didn't need to come back in a month, but things have gone so downhill with me mentally since then that I knew I needed to change something. Luckily, she is awesome and didn't even question my request once I told  her about how bad things had gotten. I told her that I talk to my therapist every week, I take my prescribed medication every day, I do everything I'm physically capable of to take care of myself mentally, so I have to try changing meds, because I can't keep feeling this awful. So we'll see how this goes.

Hands down the highlight of the past two weeks, though, was the two hours I got to spend on Facebook video chat with Clayton today. I know I say this all the time, but I am so, so, so lucky and thankful that he is my best friend. No one makes me laugh harder or teaches me more, let alone all in the same conversation, than he does. He is one of the few consistently good things in my life, and one of the very few people that make me feel completely safe and free from judgment. I can talk to him about my relationship with God, my struggles, my anger, my frustration, especially with everything that's been going on with my head and the doctors being stumped, and he doesn't shame me for any of it. Instead, he reminds me not to shame myself, like I am prone to do. But what was different about our conversation today is that he actually put on his "Spiritual Director" hat (his words, not mine) and asked me about my prayer life and gave me some advice on how to broaden it and change my perspective on who I see God as in the midst of my current struggles. I'm used to talking through different stories and passages in the Bible with him, and he's taught me a lot about theology, but this was something totally new. And I loved it and totally appreciated it. He doesn't want me to stay in this rut that I've been in for a little while now of feeling angry at and abandoned by God. The level to which he cares for every facet of my wellbeing (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) is very comforting and humbling.

I'll tell you one thing: I would be lost without my people. That much I know for sure.

Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit!

It was far too long to go without getting to hug this fella.

It really, really sucks only getting to see your best friend once a year, but when you do get to see them, it's Christmas morning levels of excitement.

Wednesday afternoon, Mom drove me to meet Clayton at the same Smithfield's that Mommom and I met him at last Christmas. It's a pretty accurate halfway point, and we both love their barbecue, so win-win.

We got there at about 1:15, and he and I sat there and talked straight until 3:00 when he knew that he had to leave to get home for a family dinner. We spent half the time discussing theology, because that's what happens with us, but honestly, it was just so perfect. Yes, we talk quite often on text and FaceTime, but it's just not the same as getting to actually see them in person and hug him.

After everything that's been going on with Mom, and me, and the family, and school applications, and everything else, this was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits. When I talked to my therapist that night, I even told him such, that for the first time in a long, long time, I felt truly peaceful. What sweet relief from everything else that has been happening.

(The title is this hilarious Southern saying he taught me.)

Safety

I don't know why I don't have much to say these days.

Maybe I'm just tired.

Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by life.

Maybe I just don't feel so comfortable putting my life out there anymore.

A lot of things have happened in the past year, and recently especially, that have made me seriously question who I can trust. And when I can't trust people, putting my whole heart out on the internet seems like a bad idea.

I'm reevaluating a lot about my life and the people I have in it.

Some days, I just feel like withdrawing from everyone because it seems like Clayton is the only person who isn't going to break my heart. It's ridiculous to think that, I know, but he's the one who is always here and has never done anything to shake my trust in him. I get things wrong and I make stupid mistakes, yet he is the one person in my life that I know is never going to hold it against me.

I don't know what I'm going to do from here. But what I do know is that with someone like him in my life, someone who teaches me more about God than any church service I've ever been to and understands 1 Corinthians love better than anyone else I've ever met, it's all gonna be okay. Because I know that no matter what happens with the other relationships in my life, I don't have to face any of it alone.

More than I could ever have asked for.

I've been looking forward to seeing Clayton over this Christmas break since...well, probably the day I last saw him back in January. Suffice it to say, one of my least favorite things about growing up is only being able to see my best friend(s) once a year.

When I realized that I would be in Myrtle Beach for one of the two weeks that he is actually in NC for the holidays, I may or may not have had a mini freakout thinking we weren't going to see each other and that I was going to have to go even longer than a year without hugging my very best friend.

Well, thankfully, with a bit of coordination and help from Mommom, I got to meet him in Warsaw (which is about halfway between our two hometowns) for lunch today. And after this week with losing Jim and everything that went along with that, it was so very needed.

We actually spent a lot of time talking about one pretty serious and personal topic in particular that I've been struggling with. It's way too personal for me to put out on this blog, largely because it involves someone else who I know has found and read this blog before, but just know that it was something that I really needed to discuss with Clayton, and doing it in person did wonders.

I am so, so lucky to have that boy, I swear. His determination to look out for my best interest even when I don't know that I need him to but still being kind and loving when I'm being an idiot is something I don't know how to describe. I wish everyone could have someone like him in their lives. With this particular situation, I'm pretty sure I'd decide to essentially drive myself off a cliff if it weren't for him calling me out.

I remember at one point he was looking at me and I said, "You've never looked at me like that before." He replied, "This is fear. I'm seriously concerned and afraid that you're considering driving yourself off a cliff, and there's nothing I'll be able to do to help you." The look he had on his face is something that's stuck in my head and a big part of the reason that I decided he was right and I wouldn't do what I was considering doing if the opportunity arose. One other thing that he said that really stood out to me was "I know you. I know how deeply you feel things. If you do this, it will not end well for you. It will make you spiral." He knows my past, he knows my history with depression, and he knows how I see people, so I knew that if he really believed doing it would make me spiral, I needed to listen. He saves me from myself.

But mostly, it was just so comforting to be able to see him and touch him and HUG HIM. I practically mauled him in the parking lot when he got out of his car, not even realizing initially that we were standing in the drive-through lane. Ha! And this kid, someone who said he never really liked to hug people before he met me, must have given me like 15 hugs when we were walking out to leave. That's something FaceTime cannot replace. It got to the point where I finally had to say, "Okay, I have to leave now, or I'm never going to stop hugging you." I'm lucky to have a best friend who gives me love the ways that I receive it best - words of affirmation and physical touch.

He also gave me an extra gift and let me record him doing this impression of some guy from The Walking Dead because it's by far my favorite impression of his, but I promised him that I wouldn't put it anywhere online. Some things really must be kept between friends. ;)

I don't know where I'd be right now, how I would have made it through 2015, without Clayton. I'm not even kidding. When my depression got so bad this summer with all the seizures, he was the one who was always there to help me keep my head above the water, no matter when or how often I needed to talk to him. He makes me laugh harder than just about anyone I've ever met and is the best at lifting my spirits when I need it. He's my sensei, always teaching me things and has helped me grow so much closer to God this year.

He is more than I could ever have asked for in a friend. He's my absolute best friend in the world, and I know that I don't have to worry about this friendship, because no matter where we are or how long it takes us to see each other again, we're in this for good.

We could be the greatest team that the world has ever seen.

The Price of Authenticity

Authentic relationships come at a price.

To get them, you have to give up your walls and your facades, and you also have to let go of your fear of seeing behind other people's walls. You have to put your heart on the line, even when it's hard, and you have to see the hearts of those around you beyond the ugly stuff that will often make people run away. You have to let go of your pride and pick up more empathy than most of us are naturally accustomed to carrying.

In the world we live in today, the world of social media and privacy settings and Instagram filters, we get to pick and choose the image that we want to put out. We get to post the pictures of the beautiful things and the fun experiences and write the statuses about how wonderful life is without having to tell people when we're struggling if we don't want to. And telling people about all the awesome things going on is a lot easier and more comfortable than admitting that life may not be so great right now.

It can be terrifying to have someone else's vulnerabilities laid out right in front of you, just as terrifying as if you're the one who is putting the most personal parts of yourself out there open for judgment or rejection. It's so much easier to say, "Nope. Forget it." Organic food is all the rage, but organic relationships scare the crap out of us.

I know. I had to deal with it today. I went to lunch with a girl from church, and she asked me to tell her my story. I love sharing my story with people, that's no secret, but that doesn't make it easy to do it. It's hard to go back to memories I've worked so hard to move past. It's hard to talk about my dad, even after 16 years, because I get hit with the reminder of everything I've missed out on. It's hard to talk about feelings because they take me back to the girl I spent so much time letting go of and moving beyond.

When you let go and get real, things get messy. But they also get so much more beautiful. It's beautiful to have people who know you in your bones and stand by you. Because those people, those relationships, they're what get you through life when everything feels like it's falling apart. For me, the people with whom I've managed to form authentic relationships are the people I can't imagine my life without now. They're the people whom I can run to when I'm upset or lost or angry or hurt and know that I don't have to be afraid to say whatever I'm feeling. They're the people who know my deepest scars, where I've been, and what I'm most afraid of.

But the most beautiful part is they know that I'll be just as loyal to them through their messy stuff as they are to me. Authentic relationships are about safety for both people, not just one. Clayton, knowing that I often worry about taking too much and not giving enough, once told me in order to assuage my fears that our relationship wouldn't possibly go as deep or be as strong as it is if he were the only one giving. That's something that has always stuck with me, because it's not just a reminder of how strong our relationship is, but also the fact that God can do so much good through us, even when we can't see how it's possible.

You don't have to always get it right, because let's face it - none of us will always get it right. When our relationships are truly authentic, we don't have to always get it right because the relationships will overcome the times we mess everything up. I got to experience that this weekend. The past two weeks have been really tough with someone that has been very, very dear to me for a couple years now, and honestly, I wondered for a bit if we could overcome it, but we had a conversation yesterday that I believe led us back to the place of understanding each other we'd always been at before everything sort of...blew up. This person and I, we've both always said that nothing could break the bond that we have with each other, and considering this is the first time we've ever had a problem, it's really nice to get the confirmation that we were right.

So yeah, authentic relationships cost a lot. But if you ask me, the reward makes it all worth it.

Another post about how awesome my boys are.

I've been feeling really lonely the past week or so. I'm not really sure what set it off, but I've just really been missing my CU fam, Clayton, Summer, Austin, my soccer boys, something fierce.

One of my friends here in the city told me that it's normal, that it's just part of living here, and I believe him, but that doesn't exactly make me feel better.

Because of that loneliness, I've been reaching out to my old friends, trying to reconnect with that feeling of family, in hopes that it will ease up and I'll stop feeling like I'm being swallowed by ocean waves.

Summer and I have been texting every day in the past couple of weeks (our quickly growing love for One Direction brought us much closer together) which definitely helps.

Austin called me last night despite being practically half asleep his brain was so exhausted because I had texted him so he knew I needed to hear a friendly voice.

Clayton was there on Monday when I started crying to tell me that it was okay to be upset even if I didn't know what brought it on and remind me that I'm never truly alone.

And Tunji, oh dear Tunji. Now, I think a big part of this coming on is that the soccer season has started for this fall, so yet again, I am not back with my boys, and yet again I will not be able to go down for a game, but you can be sure that I will be going in January before I fly back here after Christmas. I've always known Tunji loves me - he is easily one of my biggest protectors and closest brothers out of that squad - but he's never been one to express it in great detail. Well, in the past few days, we've been texting and he's made it clear multiple times that he can't wait to see me again, and how much he really loves and misses me. And everyone who knows me knows I am a words of affirmation girl, so to hear everything he's been saying makes me feel so good. And it's such a sweet reminder that I may be 600 miles away, but those boys still consider me their sister as much as they did when I was still at CU. I seriously cannot wait to go back and tackle him and Reafe and Ricky with big hugs.

I still feel lonely, but I also feel really, really thankful. That I have people like this, and that they love me like they do. One of the things I've been working through in therapy in the past few months is learning how to believe that I deserve the love these guys have given me so freely right from the start. And I'm finally starting to get it (baby steps), and it's at least partially due to the fact that I see how beautiful these friendships still are even when I'm all the way up here in NYC. While distance gave Ryann an easy out in cutting her ties with me, all of these people and relationships have proven that you can still have close friends over great distance. Because I'd be lost without every single one of them.

Writing this post reminds me of how, when I was back there in January, when Tunji saw a friend of his in the Student Center and she asked what was up, he immediately exclaimed, "My sister's in town!" Or how Isaiah told me, "I think we knew you were our sister pretty early on. We just had to let you in on the secret." They called me family before I even knew or realized they did.

So yeah, it sucks that I'm not there in person to hug them and hang out with them and cheer them on at their games, but the love is still as real as it ever was. Someone recently told me that I'm "too attached" to them and that I was "wasting my time" cheering them on when their season isn't going very well so far, and all I could tell them was they are my boys, my brothers, and I will love and support them forever, because that's what family does. I can't wait to book my ticket for Christmas, because then I'll know exactly how long I have to count down until some serious brother hugs.

Until then, thank God for wifi and live streams. That's all I'm saying.

Detox

So here's what I've come to accept today: I'm an addict.

I'm an addict whose drug came in the form of a boy I fiercely loved, fought to believe loved me, and desperately wanted to fix so that things could be okay. Even though that drug nearly destroyed me and my life on multiple occasions, I kept going back to the one thing I knew was terrible for me but couldn't seem to quit.

Sure, sometimes I would think I'd beaten the addiction, but a few weeks or months later, that drug would come back, dancing in front of me with the memories of the good feelings it brought, and I would fall right back into its grasp.

Sound like anyone familiar?

Yeah. Landon came back. This time, it was to apologize for his girlfriend texting to harass and threaten me. And I don't know if it's because it was midnight and I haven't slept much the past couple of days or what, but I answered. I have no idea why I answered.

Two pieces of a conversation spread out over three hours later, and I crashed into sleep like an addict whose high has worn off. But I woke up just four hours later and my very first thought was "What have I done?" I immediately texted Ashley because I wanted a girlfriend, and because I knew there was no way Clayton would be awake yet. She tried to reassure me, but I just couldn't wrap my head around what she was saying because I was still so caught up in being mad at myself for opening myself up to being put back in the same position I spent six years trying to escape.

And honestly, as silly as it sounds, I was plagued with worry that Clayton was going to be so disappointed in me. He saw the panicked text I sent him when he woke up and wasted no time in FaceTiming me, even while he was eating breakfast. Over the next two hours (God bless him), we dissected everything that was said, everything that was in my head, and he bluntly and kindly spelled out the three options I had in front of me, options only I could make the choice between.

1: Let him back in, and try to reconcile things again.

But as Clayton said, "There is no path in this universe that option could take that ends in you being happy." And even though the conversation last night realized I still missed him and still loved him far more than I thought I did, I knew that wasn't the option I needed to make because, if it was, I wouldn't have woken up with so much regret.

2: Block him without saying a word. Disappear, essentially.

That was the option he recommended, but he also acknowledged that it probably wasn't what I would do, because he knows me and so he knows that I get stuck in a rut when there's something I needed or wanted to say and didn't. I straight up told him that I knew that if I just blocked him without saying a word, it would eat at me. Not saying what I wanted to say would eat at me. Wondering how he would react to the abrupt silence, if he even noticed it. I wouldn't be able to get it out of my head.

3: Send him one text message explaining that last night was a mistake, then block him.

He explained that the only way this option would work is if I went full on into it. I had to not just not unblock him, but should he somehow get messages through to me, not even read them and delete them immediately. A recovering alcoholic doesn't hang out at a bar. A recovering drug addict doesn't just go hang out at his former drug dealer's house. I have to put in total measures against him, or I might as well just pick the first option, because halfway measures won't stand a chance against an addiction that has been active for more than a quarter of my life.

I picked 3. The most "me" option. When my phone said it was delivered and I hit block, I guess I thought I'd be relieved, because I knew I was doing the right thing, but instead, I just felt tired. And scared. Angry. Hurt. Frustrated.

"This is detox," Clayton said. "Detox is hard. It's not going to be easy. Your emotions are going to be going haywire. You're going to be questioning and second-guessing everything. But then you'll hit recovery, and that won't be quite as hard as long as you stick with the program. You can't break. Because if you break again and let him back in even for one conversation, I don't think you'll ever stop."

Detox sucks. Immediately after it started, I got overwhelmed by this fear that I wouldn't have the willpower to stick with this if/when he comes back (and I included "when" because, frankly, I don't think he's ever going to stop trying). After many, many hours of YouTube, though, I feel more confident that I can do it....but it still hurts like hell.

But you know, studies say that recovering addicts have a much higher chance of success when they have a support system around them. And I definitely do. Clayton insisted on being my accountability, and said that if he somehow finds a way to contact me, that I text Clayton so I don't respond to him. That I can say everything to Clayton that I want to say in a response to Landon so I can get it out without cutting off the padlocks to the door between us again. I think that'll go a long way, because he knows how damaging it is for me to hold my thoughts in on something this, so at least I'll have a way to get it out without letting danger back in.

Detox is so hard and painful. But with a support system like the one I have, I feel like I can take on the world. Which is exactly what I need to feel. I know what love really is through my friends, not through the words of a boy who hasn't changed or moved forward.

So let's do this, eh? I'm ready to earn my first sobriety chip.

On Tomatoes

About a year ago, long before Ryann disappeared from my life, someone else left, too. Someone who was one of my first blog friends. Someone who came into my life during the darkest time I've ever had. Someone who I considered one of my dearest friends, despite the fact that we'd only met in person once. Someone who told me many times that I supported her just like she supported me, that our relationship was beautifully symbiotic. The story of who it is and why she left isn't even worth repeating, most because if I do, I might start crying all over again.

For a while, I didn't even know why she left. It was just dead silence, exactly as Ryann has done. Until she emailed me on Monday. In the midst of her detailed message (she was never one for writing short emails), she mentioned that the only reason she broke the silence now was because she knew that "the only thing worse than a no is the unknown." And she was right; anything she said or could say in that email was not nearly as painful as the total silence.

But honestly, I had forgotten about her and her leaving a while ago. So getting her email and all of that wasn't so painful by itself as it was the matter that it stirred up a lot of other feelings. About Ryann. About all the times in my past I've heard pretty much exactly what she said from people who decided they couldn't be friends with me anymore or that I wasn't worth their time. About how my family has so often told me that if I just weren't so intense, I wouldn't chase people away. About how maybe if I just weren't so screwed up people wouldn't leave. So for a few hours, I was caught up in all of those emotions and scary thoughts. Things I've thought before, that I'll be wrong about other people in my life and that the ones I trust most now will decide to leave, too. Even that several of them have told me (some multiple times) that that's never going to happen and that I don't need to worry about it.

So I called Clayton (big shocker) because I just needed to hear someone tell me that there's nothing wrong with me, and hear again that he's in this for good and I don't have to worry about "chasing him away". And that's exactly what he did, but it didn't take long after our conversation started before the tears came on anyway. Partially from the fear and other negative stuff in my head and partially because I was just so grateful that he was so loyal to me and our friendship.

When I talked to him about how it felt to hear the same things from so many different people over the years about the reasons why they left, he explained things through an analogy, which is what the weird title of this post comes from. It was a couple days ago, so I can't remember word for word what he said, but this is pretty much it.

"When I was younger, I was really into gardening...I promise I'm going somewhere with this...Anyway, when I gardened, I had this big tomato plant. And when I would go out to the tomato plant, I would see that some of the tomatoes had these black spots on them. I did everything right to take care of them, but some of them still went bad. I got so frustrated because I couldn't figure out why these tomatoes got these black spots. Until later, I learned that some of the tomatoes went bad all on their own to make room for the other tomatoes to thrive and get bigger and be better. They self-pruned. I know this sucks. I know it hurts to have these people leave. But consider it pruning to get the bad ones out of the way for the friends who will stick by you no matter what. They're just getting out of the way for the good friendships to thrive."

That actually made sense. To others, it might seem like a really bizarre choice for an analogy, but I knew exactly what he was saying. I still have good tomatoes. In fact, I have some awesome, super healthy and vibrantly red tomatoes. Yes, it's frustrating to lose some tomatoes I worked to take care of, but if they have to die for the other ones to be better and healthier, then I am still very, very lucky. I just need to focus on the tomatoes that I still have the opportunity and ability to take care of, because if the other ones are going to self-prune, there's nothing I can do to stop them.

I'm not a mind reader. If people like Ryann and this person are going to disappear on me when they never gave me any sign of something being wrong, then that's on them. Those are the choices they made, and it says nothing about me and who I am and a lot about them and who they are as people and as friends.

Clayton and Austin are the two people that first come to my mind when those fears about people leaving set in. So naturally, when I told them this when explaining what had happened, they both had something to say that was so utterly...them.

Clayton: "The way I see it, real friends walk in when everyone else is walking out. As I've told you before, you don't have to worry about me leaving. Honey, I'm not going anywhere. You're amazing, and if these people can't see that, then screw 'em. Let them leave. I'm not going to walk out."

Austin: "Well here's the thing about me: That's never going to happen. You're stuck with me. I told you this was a calling from God for me to be your friend, and until He tells me that calling has been fulfilled, I'm not going anywhere. And I pray every single day that He never tells me that."

These two, they are my favorite tomatoes. (I told that to Clayton in text Tuesday and on FaceTime Wednesday...apparently this is an analogy that is going to stick.) They understand Christ-like love better than just about anyone I've ever met. I hope one day the fears I have get out of my head, because it's stupid for me to question these two guys who have proven themselves faithful to me and our friendships from pretty much the day we met. (They helped take care of me during seizures in Reformation when I didn't even know their names.) I can tell, though that slowly I'm getting it, because these fears are popping up less and less. I am so, so grateful that I have friends, others included but especially these two, who understand my insecurities and where they come from and accept me wholeheartedly, baggage and all.

Clayton and Austin and their unconditional love for me is such a sweet picture of Jesus in my life. I love how God can make Himself and His grace known through the love of a friend.

Goodness gracious, I am so very lucky. And have more love in my life now than I ever knew was possible before I found it.

Breaks in the Darkness

God is so good, y'all.

I know my blog posts are bouncing back and forth from happy and good to, well, not so happy and not so good (to put it lightly), but you know, sometimes I'm a little all over the place. And today I'm just really aware of how good God is because he's given me such light in the midst of the darkness of my feelings today and yesterday.

When I was talking to Steven yesterday, I said at two different moments how a) being at church is seemingly the one completely good thing in my life right now and b) I'm so very desperate for a break, and he said something that has stuck with me. "Maybe you should look at this time with us as your break." And that's something that I'm realizing so clearly tonight. Time with my friends IS my break during all of this hard stuff.

Yesterday with Jay. All it took was him saying "Hey Mal" for me to start smiling. He was my escape, even for an hour and a half. For that short block of time, he made me forget everything that was going on and just laugh and smile and have fun with the boy who has known me for seven years and been with me through more than anyone in my life aside from Matt. And I talk to Jay more nowadays than I do Matt. He is so very special to me.

Today, Ashley took me to dinner. Somehow, I've made a girlfriend here who genuinely loves spending time with and will listen to me about anything, even when it's something that isn't in line with "typical" Christian standards. We talk about everything, from the hard stuff to church stuff to silly and light stuff like the cute guys I know at Spiegel. I firmly believe that every woman needs girl time. It's good for the soul. She helps me feel like a normal young woman, like I'm not as different as I've felt my entire life. She is quite easily my best girlfriend here in the city.

And when I got home from that, I got to FaceTime with Clayton. I never laugh harder or feel God more strongly than I do when I am talking to him. I don't know how I could ask more in a best friend. I feel like I tell him the same things over and over again about the hard stuff that I'm feeling, how the dark stuff is affecting me mentally and emotionally and spiritually, and while other people might get bored, he seems to have the patience of a saint in letting me vent my feelings time and time again, no matter how many times I repeat myself over time. He instinctively knows when he just needs to listen and when he needs to pull out his crazy voices and faces and make me laugh. And every time we talk, we end in prayer, and I am so thankful for that. I'll be honest, lately my prayer life has really been lacking because when you're angry you don't always want to talk and when you're sad you don't always know what to say, but when I talk to Clayton, at least then I have a moment where I force myself to talk to the Lord. If only because I don't do it alone.

I'm understanding now that time with my friends, that time is my break from the pain. I am so unbelievably, mind-blowingly lucky and thankful that God isn't letting me walk in this valley in total darkness, that he's not making me do this totally alone. I'm seeing now that this chapter of my life isn't as dark or as lonely as it seems.

And for that, I say SOLI GLORIA DEO.

Anything

This week, I've been looking for anything I can consider a bright spot. I need to do it to keep myself from completely slipping into that dark hole. I was so happy to only have two seizures all of last week, and then I had five in two days this week and I got knocked off my feet again. So these bright spots, they keep me moving forward.

Hugs from my Spiegel guys.

Singing for Clayton on his birthday Tuesday, and the text he sent me in response to the post I put up on Instagram for him.

Emma getting into NYC today.

The Anima Series getting their Kickstarter fully funded. (!!!)

A good appointment with my neurologist today, with more hope than we've had in months.

Encouragement from Ashley.

Managing to stop two seizures from coming on. A big surprise.

And Jay, my sweet British love. We were talking on Facebook yesterday, and I was being honest about how I've been feeling down lately, and he wrote back "We should have a Skype date this weekend. I bet I can make you smile." I told him thank you, that that was exactly what I need, and he said "Anything for you, honey xx."

That interaction reminded me all over again of just how lucky I am to have the friends that I do. Friends who would do absolutely anything if it meant they could make my burdens easier. Friends who will say or do anything necessary to keep me from giving up when they see me slipping. Friends who are hundreds or thousands of miles away but love me and support me like there's no distance at all between us.

No matter what is going on, they are my one constant bright spot in the midst of this hard life.

Be quiet. Be still. Be fearless.

I hear a lot of people say that the fear of death and the fear of public speaking are two of the main fears in my generation, but I disagree. I think it's the fear of silence. We refuse to turn off our computers, turn off our phones, log off Facebook, and just sit in silence, because in those moments we might actually have to face up to who we really are. We fear silence like it's an invisible monster, gnawing at us, ripping us open, and showing us our dissatisfaction. Silence is terrifying. - Jefferson Bethke Jesus > Religion

Jeff was on to something. Silence terrifies me. It's the late nights when the rest of the world is asleep that are the prime times for me to get lost in my head. It's the days I'm too sick or in too much pain to leave the apartment that the loneliness hits me like a tidal wave and I forget the community that I really do have. I often chalk it up to being a result of my 100% extrovert personality, but the truth is, I think I spent so much time alone growing up believing I had no one that I could rely on that I can't stand to be alone now for fear of the memories and the scars overtaking me.

I had a seizure on Monday afternoon in the subway station on the way home from a doctor appointment. This was one where I had no aura or clue that it was about to happen, so I got off the elevator at my platform, walked out, and landed face first on the concrete. Physically, I was fine after a dose of morphine and several ice packs at the ER, but emotionally, I felt wrecked all over again. So yesterday afternoon, I texted Clayton, because he's the person I bounce my feelings off of when I need to get them out and have a friend on the other end.

We talked about a lot, but then, during it, I started getting this feeling that I just needed to spend some time in silence, no noise, no distractions. He agreed to text me after a few hours, because he knows just as well as I do that too much time alone can be a detriment to my sanity. Clayton texted me right on cue, asked me how I was, and this is how I responded...

"God's opened my eyes and my memory to a lot of stuff. How easily I forget what He's done. At first, there was a lot of me talking and rambling and wondering if my words were just stopping at the ceiling. But then my mind kept going back to the night I got baptized, and how alive I felt, how real and alive God seemed, how the guy who baptized me told me to promise him that I'd never forget how I felt that night. I think this is why I chose "fearless" as my word at the beginning of the year, without knowing what was coming. God isn't asking me to have perfect trust or expecting me to live without doubt. He just asks for my heart, same as He did that night in Nashville. All He's ever wanted was my heart.

"I was chasing healing when I'd been made well, fighting battles when you conquered hell, living free but from a prison cell." God is the exact same God as He was the night I got baptized. I feel like He's asking me to recall the girl I was that night, to rekindle the fire I had in my belly and live like I know I'm saved, because that's where the freedom is. He's telling me to be quiet, be still, be patient. To remember that even when I wonder where He has gone, all I have to do is look at the people supporting me through this valley to remember that He cares, because He is in each one of you using you to keep the flame in me from dying out and show me that I am not alone in this wilderness."

I had no idea at the time how relevant those words would be, but about 30 minutes after our conversation, I left the apartment to go get food and fell down a flight of stairs. It wasn't a good night for me mentally, and I struggled to remember the truths that I had just said. When I got home from the ER, once again everything turning out okay save for some nasty bruises, all I could do was sleep. I didn't sleep much because every position was so painful, but about ten minutes after I woke up this morning, Clayton texted to check in. We spent a little over an hour on FaceTime, and I accepted the fact that I'm depressed right now. I've moved past the stage of being angry at God, and now I'm just very sad and tired. So it's a good thing I have therapy tomorrow.

Instead of talking about the same feelings about my health stuff, the conversation actually focused on the heartache I've been feeling over the friend I lost. That's messing me up just as much as the attacks on my health and my body. It makes me feel like I'm back in high school, remembering so clearly how every time someone back then would do exactly what this person did now, I felt worthless and abandoned and terrified to trust anyone else for fear they'd do the same thing. But throughout today, and doing a lot of thinking, I realized something important:

The people who love me are not the people who hurt me.

And more than that, I realized that I don't have to ask God to make me fearless in facing just the health stuff. He will making me fearless in facing this person leaving without me knowing why, fearless against the thoughts that their actions try to make me believe about my worth and my identity, and fearless in trusting friends like Clayton to give me the ability to believe that those relationships are authentic.

I've spent so long being scared of finding out that my trust was misplaced that I've completely forgotten what it feels like to put my heart into something without wondering what might go wrong. I've self-sabotaged enough relationships that when I didn't do anything wrong, my instinct is still to believe that it was my fault. I got so good at pushing people away that it absolutely rocked my world every time someone pushed right back, so determined to love me even though they could read the fear in my actions.

I've been so down, angry, frustrated, sad recently that on top of all the other fears and stresses and worries that have been bouncing around my head, I've been wracked with this fear that with as much as I've been talking to him and relying on him lately, that Clayton will one day he'll decide that I'm too much or he's tired of it and leave, too. When I told him as much this morning, he smiled and told me some story from Doctor Who that ended with him saying, "Mal, if you think our friendship is so weak that you could chase me away, you've got another thing coming."

Two phrases have been in my head throughout today.

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14
Be still and know that I am God. from Psalm 46:10

God whispered things in the silence. All it took was for me to be quiet and be still and wait. In the quiet and the stillness, I knew that He will help me be fearless in everything that I am facing.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Dear little girl, you are terribly blessed.

I haven't been in the best mindset. I've been negative and just generally down and it's not good. I've been so caught up in what's going wrong in my life that I've forgotten to look for all the things that are going right. All the beautiful moments.

Like sitting outside and feeling the breeze blow my hair.
The feeling I still get sometimes when I think about how I actually get to live here.
Having finished my first year of grad school despite so many obstacles.
How I can't walk by Spiegel without at least two people giving me a hug.
Having dinner with one of my church friends.
All the people who text me just to check in.
Going to church on Sunday and being able to forget everything, even just for an hour.
How Holly runs errands for me and has been financially supporting me without complaining.
The fact that I'm beating all sorts of odds just by being alive, let alone having made it to grad school in New York City.
FaceTime dates with Clayton, and what a sweet picture of Jesus he is to me every time.
Austin and Emma always being just a text away.
One of the guys at Spiegel, Emmanuel, offering me a writing job to help him work on a website just because he knows I can write and I need money.
Christian or Eldar or Diallo giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek as a hello and a goodbye or even when they just know I've had a bad day.
Mom sacrificing so much for me.

I am so terribly blessed. And I get so caught up in my problems and my fears that I forget that. I forget that way too easily. Lord, please help me to remember who You are and how much You've done, to have confidence in the knowledge that You, the King, loved me enough to die for me.

Here's hoping and praying for brighter days ahead, even if it's only in perspective. And that I would never lose sight of how many people LOVE me, too.

The Power of Friendships

The past week and a half has not been all that good for me. Between five days of stomach issues that I'm still not sure whether it was a virus or a reaction to medication, then dealing with unexplained tingling and numbness in my face for a few days after that, plus frequent migraines and four seizures in a week, I'm very tired now. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm tired.

There's been a lot of wrestling with God lately. A lot of anger and a lot of frustration and a lot of not knowing what to say. And a lot of letting my exhaustion take over and basically hiding from my feelings. Until I just didn't want to do that anymore.

Cue Austin and Clayton.

I told Clayton they are my theological reality checks. Because they're there for me, comfort me, while also giving me a reality check and pointing me back to Jesus. These two understand more than most just how caught up in my own head I can get it, how I can often put pressure on myself completely unnecessarily, and they are always so loyal to be here and pull me back out and bring me back to what I know is true.

I mentioned to Clayton that I often get scared about talking to others about how I'm feeling because I don't want them to feel like I'm dragging them down with negativity or depressive tones about my life or whatnot, and he responded with what is perhaps the most Clayton thing he's ever said to me. "We're going to be here. We're going to love you. We're going to let you vent as much as you need. Get over it." My friends may not understand what my life is like, but they also don't understand all that they really do for me. And I have to learn to accept the fact that they're here because they want to be, because they really do love me, not out of pity or whatever. I can't do this alone, and I'm only hurting myself by trying to pretend like I can or that I have to.

Austin and Clayton both also talked to me about doubt and how me struggling with my faith doesn't mean my faith is weak or that I'm failing as a Christian. Clayton actually said that faith wouldn't be faith if we were sure about everything, if we didn't have some doubt and struggle and questions with it. The fact that my closest friends, the ones who know the most about my life and personal journey, can say things like I have the strongest faith of just about anyone they know says that maybe my perspective is skewed. Maybe doubt really isn't such a bad thing; it isn't something I need to get frustrated at myself for having. I'm finally starting to understand that maybe God is okay with my doubt.

I told them that I really wasn't sure where God is and has been in all of this, but Clayton pointed out that God was in Austin, and God was in our conversation, and every time I'm reminded that I am loved and that people are supporting me. And he was right. God is so faithful to not let me go through this alone. I am surrounded by people across the country that I know would give anything to make my health issues go away or even just calm down. Not a day goes by that I am not grateful for and humbled by the love I have in my life. But what is key to remember is that every time Clayton or Austin or any of my soccer boys or friends from Spiegel tells me they love me, that's God reaching down into my life and my world to tell me that He loves me, too.

There is an immense picture of God's grace in friendships, in the people who stand by you when things aren't easy. The past couple of days I've learned all over again just how incredible my friends are and how good God is to give me the opportunity to love and be loved like this.

I don't know what my future holds. I don't know when my seizures are going to calm down. What I do know is that with friends like mine who are so determined to hold me up and keep me moving forward and focused on God, I'm gonna make it through this life no matter what comes my way.

For my best friend.

Carole King is one of my mom's favorite artists, and her music is stuff that I grew up listening my mom sing and, eventually, singing with her. Especially "You've Got a Friend." (We can do amazing harmonies on that song. Just saying.)

It's only been in the past couple of years, though, that I really began to understand the depth behind the lyrics, and what it feels like to have a friend like that.

When you're down in troubles
And you need some love and care
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer, or fall
All you got to do is call
And I'll be there
Yes, I will
You've got a friend

To be a friend like that, it takes true selflessness and dedication and loyalty. It takes caring about someone with your whole heart and making them a priority. It means being completely invested in their life and having your heart connected to theirs. It means there's a bond there that goes beneath the surface and an instinctive trust and knowledge of each other that can't be taught or even explained.

Clayton was that friend to me today. (He always is, let's be real.) He may not have literally flown to New York, but he still showed up big time. I sent him a text last night saying that I was feeling down and I wished he was here to give me a big hug, and without hesitation, he replied "You free tomorrow? Let's FaceTime." Without pause or question, he told me he was coming.

Two hours and thirty-five minutes. That's how long we spent together. We were just in each other's presence, and things somehow felt less stressful and complicated because of it. Half the time he was doing chores and not even looking at the phone and I was laying in my bed staring at the ceiling, and my world just felt better because through space, he was there with me. He told me that's a sign of true friendship - you don't even have to be doing something, just being together feels good.

When days like today happen, and I think about him and his love and loyalty toward me, I just feel this overwhelming desire to love harder. To do everything I can to make someone else feel the way I felt today knowing that I'm loved this much. Bonds like this, they are really powerful life-changing things. I am so much better because I have a brother like Clayton. I don't know what this past year would have looked like without our regular FaceTime dates and time together.

And you know what the best part is? When he finally really did have to go, I almost hung up without praying, which is our usual end to our conversations, and he stopped me. "Wait, don't you want to pray?" (With some crack about how I was so anxious to get rid of him, because of course, this is Clayton.) And that made me realize something new. As close as we are, and as much as we love each other, it all always comes back to Jesus. I guess that's one of the perks of having a best friend who's in seminary to become an Episcopal priest. I can never lose sight of the fact that Jesus really is the ultimate comfort. Having someone who helps me keep my eyes and heart on God is the biggest blessing of all. I want to do that for others.

Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for the grace He's shown in not just having us meet (since we all know what a weird occurrence that was) but in the ways He's allowed our friendship to grow, from the Reformation classes, to the Friday lunches, to these FaceTime dates now hundreds of miles apart but somehow closer than ever. What my brother and I have, it's something special, and I couldn't have dreamed it or made it happen if I tried.

I love praying with others.

A friend once told me that she doesn't feel moved by communal prayer. That praying with other people doesn't make her feel close to God. Which let me say right now that that is totally fine. Everyone has a unique relationship with the Lord and different things that reach their hearts. The only reason that I even mention that friend is because that is what came to mind when I sat down to write this post about how grateful I am for the opportunities I get to pray with others, especially people I love.

God rarely feels more real to me than in the moments when I am emotionally and sometimes physically connected to another person and we are going hearts wide open to the God that we both love and so desperately need.

This isn't just something I'm realizing now. I'm sure I said it several times last year in reference to time spent praying with some of my Reformation brothers (particularly Austin and Clayton) and soccer boys. It's just becoming even more evident to me now, when I'm in a place where I've had to start all over in terms of making friends I can rely on that are physically close by.

Every week, it becomes clearer to me that the people at my church are my family in every way that truly counts. One friend in particular has spontaneously offered to pray with and over me two weeks in a row now. Another texts just to check in on me. I wouldn't be able to do what I do without love like this up close.

I keep coming back to the question of "How did I ever get so lucky?!" but really, I don't need to know. Knowing why or how isn't what drives my praise and gratitude for the what is.

A Conversation and A Prayer

M: Thank you for never being bothered by me, dear. I forgot to say that earlier.
C: I love you, dear! Rest easy in that knowledge.
M: I love you, too. I'm not sure why you're so good to me, but I'm really glad you are.
C: I'm "good to you" because you are you.
M: Sometimes that doesn't feel like much.
C: You are important because you are you. Never doubt that.
M: That's hard right now, to be honest.
C: Well, it's not my words. "For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother's womb."
M: I know. I'm just, like I said, trying to pull myself back up after all the drama this weekend.
C: Don't rush it. You can't always bounce back quickly (nor is it always a good idea). Rest in God and in God's love. Cry. Yell. Be silent. Let God be Abba.
M: I don't even know where to begin putting it into words, honestly. But there have been tears, and I'm really glad I don't have to vocalize things for God to know them.
C: That is definitely reassuring.

~~~~~

Abba, Daddy, Father, I know you're here and I know you're feeling my pain right along with me, so I'm talking to you. I'm talking because I don't have anything else. Thank you for knowing what's on my heart and what I need when I stumble over my words and struggle to verbalize everything that I'm feeling. It's rare that I don't know the words I'm looking for, and I'm so thankful that you know anyway. You were here when everything was happening, and you're here now as I recover from it. I know you're watching and in this, because of things like this conversation tonight. I know you're here, but I don't totally feel you. Please, bring me some comfort, bring me some peace, because you're all I've got to rely on when my closest friends are hundreds of miles away. I've spent so long hurting over this, and I just want to be free from it. I want to be free. I know you have better things for me. I know you have better love for me because I know what real love is supposed to look like. Give me the strength to hold on for that and hold my head high while I wait. I'm sorry for not coming to you sooner. I guess that even though it's been three years, I'm still learning what it means to have a daddy that I can fall into. So here I am. I'm falling. Because I think that by falling, that's the only way I'm going to overcome this sadness that feels like it's seeping all the way into my bones it's so deep. I desperately wish I could have a hug from one of my loved ones that knows what's happened, but that's not possible, so I need a hug from you. Please hold me, Abba. I don't want to hurt anymore over this. I know you sent Jesus to redeem every tear that's ever been shed and heal every ounce of pain, so I'm here asking for you to help me feel that healing and claim it as my own. Because I know you're bigger than this. And I can't overcome this without you.

Love doesn't have to be romantic to be amazing.

Yes, I know that sounds like a quote out of a Disney movie or something, but just bear with me.

A lot of things have happened in the past week and a half or so that have made me think about romantic relationships and my future in that area. I never thought it'd be "easy" for me to find a boyfriend, but I also never thought I'd be almost 23 and never have had that experience yet. And things that have happened recently have made me dwell, I guess, on how I feel about still being single, probably too much.

But then tonight, Clayton took some time out of writing an exegesis for us to FaceTime because, as it turns out, we both needed some time together, and he said something that has really hit me.

"Sometimes we find love in non-romantic relationships. I've definitely found that love to be amazing."

I think that at least part of my problem is the fact that I often think I'm missing something by not having a boyfriend or knowing what it's like to have a boyfriend. (As D told me last week, it's not all it's cracked up to be!) But if I take a second to quit feeling sorry for myself and think about it, I'm not really missing anything.

No, this isn't some blog post about all the reasons it's awesome to be single. I'm just feeling tonight that it's unfair to the people in my life who love me so well, who pour out love to me every day with everything they have, to diminish all that their love does for me by saying it's not enough.

Like the friend who woke up from a dead sleep just because I needed to hear someone say they loved me, and he did it and wasn't annoyed.

Or the one who took out time from a Bible Study to see what I needed and pray for me.

Or the whole group who showed up in the midst of their busy schedules to walk me out of class one night at the end of last year just so I felt safe.

Or how D and L sat with me at the ER last week long past when they should have been in bed and refused to leave until they were sure I was okay with it.

Or the church friends who listened to me pour out my story and, instead of backing off, chose to earnestly and passionately pray over me.

Those things? They are amazing to me. The fact that I have friends like these in my life is amazing to me.

And sweet Clayton? Don't even get me started. I can't even put into words all the times that God has used him to save me from myself. Amazing doesn't even begin to describe the way he shows me love and the awe I feel at his loyalty to me and our friendship. This is what I mean when I said I didn't know people like him existed before I met my Reformation brothers; the joy and love and commitment in our friendship baffles me every day.

I need to learn how to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't. When I start feeling sorry for what I'm "lacking," I need to train myself to thank the Lord for all the people and all the love He has given me and trust that He'll bring me these other desires when He knows I'm ready for it and can handle it. Because I know dating relationships and romantic love involve tests I can't even picture right now. And because if nothing else, I know that God is good and He wants to bless His kids.

And you know, as I was writing this, one of my favorite worship songs popped into my head.

Amazing love, how can it be that You my King would die for me? Amazing love, I know it's true, and it's my joy to honor You. In all I do, I honor You.

That's really what I have to remember. I already know the most amazing love of all: the love of a Father who comes with no conditions. I don't have to try to make Him love me. I don't have to prepare for it. I don't have to put up a facade like I spent so many years of my life doing. God loves me. He loves ME. HE LOVES ME. This is the love that pulled me through when the world expected me to crumble up and wither away. This is the love that broke me after I spent 12 years of my life running. This is the love that puts breath in my weary lungs every single day and sends me people like the ones I've mentioned above to support me when I honestly just want to throw in the towel and give up.

God is amazing. His love is the most amazing thing of all. THAT is the key to finding my happiness in this season while I wait for what comes next. I had several new experiences in this past week and a half alone; it's not like I'm stuck stagnant here in this city. God's just asking me to wait and trust and not be afraid of doing either of those things.

Because I have all I really need. Everything else that may come along, it's just a gift from the Lord. While some worldly things can be awesome, I have to keep them in perspective to what amazing really looks like.

And amazing is a God who took on skin, lived among us, and died bloody and naked on a tree to save me from the mistakes I'd make 2000 years in the future. Who did all of that because He wanted better for me. Who chased me down in a church hundreds of miles from my home when I didn't know He was coming because He knew I was exhausted of running but didn't know how to change.

So yeah, Clayton was right. Love doesn't have to be romantic to be amazing. I've got proof of that all over the tapestry of my life.

Five good things of today.

Duke won the national championship. Happy for my grandma.

I got to come home. I love my recliner.

I took Mom to meet a bunch of my DWM fam. That made me SO happy.

There was gelato. Delicious, delicious gelato.

Clayton asked me to FaceTime. Usually I initiate so that made me happy, plus it's always sweet to get to talk to him.

One bad: I have to go to work tomorrow. Ew.