Wednesday, April 22, 2015

A Conversation and A Prayer

M: Thank you for never being bothered by me, dear. I forgot to say that earlier.
C: I love you, dear! Rest easy in that knowledge.
M: I love you, too. I'm not sure why you're so good to me, but I'm really glad you are.
C: I'm "good to you" because you are you.
M: Sometimes that doesn't feel like much.
C: You are important because you are you. Never doubt that.
M: That's hard right now, to be honest.
C: Well, it's not my words. "For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother's womb."
M: I know. I'm just, like I said, trying to pull myself back up after all the drama this weekend.
C: Don't rush it. You can't always bounce back quickly (nor is it always a good idea). Rest in God and in God's love. Cry. Yell. Be silent. Let God be Abba.
M: I don't even know where to begin putting it into words, honestly. But there have been tears, and I'm really glad I don't have to vocalize things for God to know them.
C: That is definitely reassuring.


Abba, Daddy, Father, I know you're here and I know you're feeling my pain right along with me, so I'm talking to you. I'm talking because I don't have anything else. Thank you for knowing what's on my heart and what I need when I stumble over my words and struggle to verbalize everything that I'm feeling. It's rare that I don't know the words I'm looking for, and I'm so thankful that you know anyway. You were here when everything was happening, and you're here now as I recover from it. I know you're watching and in this, because of things like this conversation tonight. I know you're here, but I don't totally feel you. Please, bring me some comfort, bring me some peace, because you're all I've got to rely on when my closest friends are hundreds of miles away. I've spent so long hurting over this, and I just want to be free from it. I want to be free. I know you have better things for me. I know you have better love for me because I know what real love is supposed to look like. Give me the strength to hold on for that and hold my head high while I wait. I'm sorry for not coming to you sooner. I guess that even though it's been three years, I'm still learning what it means to have a daddy that I can fall into. So here I am. I'm falling. Because I think that by falling, that's the only way I'm going to overcome this sadness that feels like it's seeping all the way into my bones it's so deep. I desperately wish I could have a hug from one of my loved ones that knows what's happened, but that's not possible, so I need a hug from you. Please hold me, Abba. I don't want to hurt anymore over this. I know you sent Jesus to redeem every tear that's ever been shed and heal every ounce of pain, so I'm here asking for you to help me feel that healing and claim it as my own. Because I know you're bigger than this. And I can't overcome this without you.

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