I've been sitting here for several minutes trying to figure out how to say what I need to say, and I'm not sure how to really start this story, so I figure I'll just start. Some of you might be wondering what my prayer post yesterday was about. At first, I thought I wasn't going to blog about it, because I honestly kind of wish it wasn't on record for me to remember, but every other piece of this saga has been documented here, so I might as well end it here, too.
Landon. I know there have been several posts here in which I have said that things were over with him, only to have him return a few months later, but this time, it's real. I'm at peace.
I thought December was the end, and Lord knows I tried to make it the end, but my heart felt otherwise. It ached, telling me it wasn't over, and I was almost constantly overcome with the feeling that something was missing, like I wasn't going to be able to let go of all the questions rumbling around in my head. I needed answers. I needed to know the truth, whatever it was, if I was ever going to be able to truly say goodbye to something and someone that was such a huge part of my life for so long. And there obviously wasn't a simple answer to getting him out of my head, because blocking him didn't change a thing. Weeks passed, and I missed more and more everything I thought I had.
Well, on Monday, we talked. Two straight hours of texting felt like it was going to rip my heart clean in half, but at least it was productive. I got answers to questions I've been asking for years, questions he refused to give a straight answer to. It was exactly what I needed to be able to (finally!) shut the door on this part of my life and know that I can move ahead without anything holding me back. I can rest easy knowing that I really don't regret any of it, even considering the pain it's caused.
But because he's...well, him, he got a few digs while he could. And I'll be honest, I've been struggling this week. I feel like I abandoned him. I feel like I let him down. I feel like I proved him right, that he was right to be afraid that I was just like every other girl from his past, the ones who got close and then hurt him and then left. I'm grieving this hard and it sucks because it's been so long that I've been caught up in this and I'm tired. I'm tired of this having such a hold on me mentally and emotionally. I hate that he was still able to make me question whether or not this was my fault.
So I talked to Clayton tonight so we could pray together. Because that's what we do, and because I never feel more at peace than when I am praying with others. And he talked me through all the reasons why, no matter what I may have heard or what I may have told myself when I get way too caught up in my own head, this is not my fault. I don't think he was ever really in this. All I did was cut the puppet strings I'd been dancing on since I was 17, and the digs were just his retaliation for me taking my life and my control back. The Master Puppeteer never likes losing his toys.
Loving someone like a house on fire...sometimes isn't enough. I did everything I could, I gave everything I had, I put all of myself into this relationship and it just...wasn't enough.
I did what should've been done a long time ago. I got free from the abuse and manipulation and pain. I did what was best for me.
All that's left is for me to get to the day when I can look back on this and him and not feel like I've been punched in the stomach. That day will come. I don't know when, but I have the hope that I won't hurt over him and this story forever. And until then I have a crowd of friends like Clayton whom I know will make it their mission to keep me from falling too low.
And for that, I thank the good Lord for giving me pictures of what real love looks like, because if I didn't, I probably wouldn't have figured out that there is better out there for me. But now I know.