Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Healing will come.

He contacted me again. It had been a month since the last time, so I thought it was over since he'd quit his every-two-weeks-like-clockwork ritual. The last time had been right before my surgery, so I figured I'd forgotten to block him in the midst of all that craziness plus the stress of finding out the news about my loan situation the day before my surgery, as well. I'd thought about him less and less, I guess because I was so tired from recovery. Since I'd never responded to any of the messages, I thought he was finally getting the point.

And then he popped up again. Originally, I wasn't going to respond, but then decided to send him one message to tell him to leave me alone and let me finally move on with my life. I thought that if things got to a scary level by some chance, at least I would have proof that I did ask him to stop, since clearly the ignoring him didn't work. I did good and didn't respond to any of the numerous text messages he replied back with that he said was his "goodbye". When he stopped, I just let it go.

But by that point, he was all in my head. Again. And I returned to that all-too-familiar feeling that somebody was sitting on my chest. I thought damn him for still having this grip on me.

Clayton to the rescue! ;) We had already scheduled a FaceTime date for tonight, so the timing was just coincidentally fantastic. After all this time, Clayton knows me well enough that he knew I just needed him to listen. But then he gave me advice, too. The funny part was he was all "You can take this advice or leave it," and I basically just said, "Shut up. You know how much I respect your wisdom." And then he told me that I needed to block him, and now, and completely pegged that I hadn't yet because it feels like I'm the one walking out on him. "I know it feels like you're abandoning him by blocking him, but he already left."

Boom. I didn't even know that was the reason behind it until he said that. It reminded me of this article, which isn't totally relevant since he and I never dated but pretty close because that article explains exactly why I do anything to try to avoid people leaving, even people like him who aren't worth the investment I've put in. I spent so long pleading to try to convince him that I wasn't like everyone else in his past and that I wasn't going to give up on him, that I stuck around through all of this crap so that I could stick to my word, so that I wasn't causing him pain. Because I know what it's like to be left behind. And it's terrifying and heartbreaking.  But Clayton's right. He left a long time ago. And as Summer said, he was in it for the emotional booty call. "I don't think he ever had any intention of loving you." Which hurt like hell to hear but was probably very accurate.

So yeah, I blocked him. Finally. For once. But I wasn't blocking him because I wanted to leave him. I blocked him because if I'm ever going to move on, I need to not be able to see his name or his number or his picture. I blocked him because the part of me that loves him so much it hurts needs to die. I blocked him because I need to not constantly think I wish I didn't love him so much, and the day when that happens isn't going to come without this step.

The past 5+ years aren't going to be healed in a day or a week or even a month. I just pray that I remember to give myself enough grace to ache and move on, no matter how long it takes.

post signature

No comments:

Post a Comment