Friday, September 26, 2014

The door slammed shut. Heartbreak.

I was planning on writing about this song, what its words mean to me, the reaction it stirs up in me, but that got upended tonight about half an hour ago.

Before I begin, I just need to say that if you've got any judgment to pass on what's below, please just save it. I am heartbroken and can't take it right now.

The Landon saga is well documented on this blog. The back and forth. The trying to convince myself that I picked my family and I didn't need him, didn't want him, and then always running back to him and starting the toxic cycle all over again. I knew it wasn't good for me, but I just couldn't bring myself to quit him. We are our own worst enemies sometimes...

Well, that door has been slammed shut in the most painful way I can think of. Almost six years of trying to convince him that I wasn't like all the others that had hurt him, of trying to convince him that when I said I loved him I really did mean it, of fighting to stand by him even when he gave me reasons to leave, of trusting him with very deep, very vulnerable pieces of myself, all of it crumbled to the ground in the span of about ten minutes.

I don't want to get into the details of what was said. Because it's not important. Because I don't want to relive it again. Because the wound is still way too raw. All that needs to be said is that he made it abundantly clear that everything I believed to be true about him, about how he felt about me, about all of it, all of it was a lie. He said he was pissed at me because I didn't reach out to him when something in particular happened to him, even though I never knew that thing had happened, that somehow that was his proof that I was lying to him about how much I cared. And it was in the specific little things that he said that just tore me to shreds.

I know this isn't about me. That this is about him, and that he is just way too screwed up and I can't fix that, despite the fact that I spent the past six years fooling myself into believing that if I just loved him enough, things would be better. But right now, I feel like the world's biggest idiot for nearly everyone I know who I spoke to about this situation telling me not to go back and yet going back anyway because I loved him that much. I know how I felt...feel about him. I know that what he said isn't true. But I feel beaten down right now. I feel devastated. I feel...heartbroken. That's the only way to describe this stabbing pain in my chest right now. And it sucks.

I know that this isn't the be all end all. That one day, I won't hurt. I won't be devastated. I will be able to focus on God's love more clearly and the fact that His love is the love that will never disappoint or hurt me. But right now I can't because it literally just happened less than an hour ago and all I can think about is how hard it is to breathe.

My sweet, sweet, beloved friend/big sister Courtney answered the phone tonight by the grace of God, because she was the first person I thought of to call that I knew that wouldn't judge me for this, that never judged me for going back to him, and there's one thing that I told her that I want to end this blog post on before I crawl into my bed and try to get some rest as a reprieve from this pain...The one good thing about this happening is that I don't have to wonder any more. There's no more what if, no more what should I do, who should I choose. I can forgive a lot of things. I've been able to forget all the other times he's hurt me in the past. But there's no forgetting this feeling I have right now. Eventually, I will be able to completely, totally move on, and not question myself anymore.

There's no coming back from this. I am finally, completely, 100% done. I won't make this mistake again.

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