Wednesday, September 24, 2014

When people leave...

I woke up today in a funk.

After I fell back asleep last night after getting my paper in, it seems like all my dreams were about people who've left me, people I didn't even realize I still missed.

I'd convinced myself I didn't care. That it was their choice. That if they could do what they did without a second thought or an explanation, then maybe we weren't what I thought we were and they weren't worth the investment or energy.

Except anyone who knows me knows that everything I just said is a load of crap if you think about it. I can't not invest in people. I don't know how not to. And with these people that were haunting my dreams last night and my mind a good part of the day today? The parts they played were far too important for me to ever fool anyone, including myself, that losing them isn't that big of a deal.

You know what the sad part is? I truly never believed that things would be like they are now. The relationships we had seemed like such a Godsend that I had naively convinced myself that we really would be in each other's lives forever, and several of them had told me they wanted it to be that way, too, which certainly didn't help the way my heart longed to hold on to them. But you know, I never could have imagined I'd meet people like them in the first place, or grow to love them, so that shows you how good I am at predicting the future.

I seem to have this recurring problem in my life in letting go of the past. These friendships, if that's what they ever were, are, for a myriad of reasons, clearly dead, and yet I'm still aching for how things were even just a year ago. Too often, I catch myself wanting to go back to people and things that are in my past for a reason, instead of basking in all the good that is happening around me right now and resting in the hope for the future that lies before me. I realized this problem when I was talking to a friend earlier and said that as much as I miss my Campbell family, I wouldn't trade being in NYC for anything...and I meant it. For the first time in a long time, possibly ever, I am happy to have closed an era of my life that was hard to say goodbye to. I know this is where I'm supposed to be.

I guess it's because the people I loved so dearly at Campbell are still in my life. I can still text them to see how they're doing without feeling like a bother. I can ask them for prayer and believe they'll actually pray for me. Things like that. And the people who showed up in my dreams last night, well, I can't do that with them. And that stings.

It's people and situations like this that make me nervous about trusting people. I know, friendships end and people drift apart, but I have no idea what ended these and they just cut me out for no reason.  And these people knew me best. They told me we were family. They told me they loved me. They told me they wanted to be in my life for years to come. And then they weren't, and it was like none of the past had ever happened.

And I have to be okay with that.

It's times like this I need to sink my heart in the arms of the Lord. The one whose love I never have to question. The one I never have to worry will cut me off. When people disappoint and hurt me, I can rest in the grace of the God who pursued me and won me and has me until the end of time.

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