Sunday, September 28, 2014

You make me brave.

I'm in a period of life where, truth be told, I feel like I'm caught up in the waves. Some of it is actually good stuff, like school, and adjusting to life in NYC, but that doesn't make it any less stressful or hard. But there's a good deal of it that is not good stuff. Bills, doctors appointments, fatigue, headaches, seizures, and mostly, this shoulder injury. And that bad stuff, well, sometimes it can feel suffocating.

The doctors who did my Cortisone injection said it would take 48 hours to kick in, and they seemed pretty certain of that time frame, like there wasn't much wiggle room. I'm past 84 hours now, approaching the 96 hour mark, and my shoulder hurts worse now than before that injection on Thursday. So...that's not exactly a good sign. I have 16 days until I meet with an orthopedic surgeon, and unless God works some serious healing power, which I know He totally can, it looks like I'm facing that route here soon because, well, I can't keep going on like this with my one good arm out of commission.

And that's disappointing, to say the least. And frustrating. And scary, to think of the impact it could have on my Master's work. Like, honestly, I'm just so freaking tired of health stuff constantly popping up to get in the way of me living my life and doing what I came here to do, what I've worked so hard to be able to do. There's no way around that. I'm tired of it.

But you know what? I may have my bad moments, or even bad days, but I always come back to the Truth. The truth that this injury doesn't have to mean disaster. The truth that I have a support system that is just as here for me now as they were when we didn't have hundreds of miles between us. The truth that everything that has happened in the past few weeks has made me just that much more aware of how desperately I need my Jesus. This time that I'm in right now, it's leaving me no choice but to cling to God and the hope that this time will pass and things will get better.

This song, the song I mentioned on Friday, "You Make Me Brave," it says a lot of what I'm feeling right now. People think I'm so brave and so strong, and I just want people to understand that I am not brave or strong on my own. God makes me brave. The strength in me is the strength I get from holding fast to the tenderness of the One who is bigger than a torn shoulder. The fear of what the future holds that sometimes absolutely wrecks my heart is overpowered and washed away by the Champion who made a way for me to be made righteous and victorious over the darkness that this world holds. And I felt that so clearly and powerfully today at church when Pastor Ben had a couple ladies come with him to lay hands on me and pray for me and my life. God has fought on my behalf, has fought for my heart, and continues to fight for and defend me now. And because I know that, I know that I cannot be permanently defeated. There's a heck of a lot of hope in that, my friends.

I hope that, in whatever you're facing, my reflection on my struggle encourages you. I don't know what you're going through, but I do know that God is right here, right now, and He is bigger than whatever that storm is. He WILL fight for you, love, you need only to be still. Trust that He is the King of the universe, and He is the one King that can't be overthrown. He can make you feel brave when in your head, you're scared out of your mind. That's the cool part. You can face things you think you'd never survive on your own because His power is greater than whatever the storms of this life can throw at you. His Word promises that He has already overcome the world. It's done. It's over. No stress necessary.

I hope a reminder of that truth brings some comfort to you tonight.

Take a listen to the song, if you haven't heard it before. It's pretty awesome.

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