When unexpected things bring back the most awful feelings.

Confession time: I'm a fan of One Direction.

I know. I know. It started about a year and a half ago. Part of me is ashamed of it. The other part is like screw other people's opinions haha.

For those of you who have blocked this boyband from your mind, this is Louis Tomlinson.

He's the oldest of the band, and I'm not entirely sure why, but he's been my favorite since I started following them.

Well, this past Wednesday, his mom Johannah/"Jay" died from leukemia. They actually kept her diagnosis private, so none of the fans knew she was sick until the press release from her husband announcing her death. And this may sound silly, but this has hit me really hard, much, much harder than I could have ever predicted.

Louis has six younger brothers and sisters, two of whom are only two years old. My heart especially hurts for them because I know what they will be going through in the future with having to rely on stories in order to know someone who is literally half of them. I know what it will be like to grieve for and miss someone you never really got to know.

And Louis. I've watched a lot of interviews with him since I became a fan of the band, and if there was one thing that was clear, it's that Jay is the most important person to him. He was the textbook description of a "mama's boy" and couldn't have been prouder of it. And if you looked at Jay's social media, you could see she was his biggest fan (as she was for all of her kids). That's the relationship I want to have with my kids one day.

Tonight, just three days after losing his mom, Louis got up on stage at The X Factor UK and performed his first solo single since 1D went on hiatus a year ago. He wrote the song, "Just Hold On," for his mom, and it was announced that it was one of her last wishes for him to continue on with this performance, so he did. This not-quite-25-year-old stood up and performed in the midst of unimaginable pain and sang his heart out for millions of people (literally millions - there was an international livestream for his performance), and it was the most beautiful thing I have seen in a long time. That immense bravery, that level of strength mixed with utter vulnerability, it's beyond comprehension to me.

Watching the video of his performance brought back some hard feelings, feelings I didn't think I'd have to deal with just because of the loss of a celebrity's mother or 17+ years into this whole grief thing. But man, this hurts. I miss my dad so freaking much, and looking at the tears in Louis's eyes after his song ended made me feel actual pain in my chest. And I get angry sometimes, wondering why some families get to stay in tact and others don't, why some good people get healed on earth and others have their bodies and minds taken and destroyed by cancer. I wonder if I'll ever let go of that question, or if it's something I'll be holding onto until I'm meeting Jesus face to face. I've never grieved for a celebrity as hard as I have for Louis's mom, and I think it's because we're about the same age and I know exactly what he's going through.

The sun goes down and it comes back up
The world, it turns no matter what
If it all goes wrong
Darling, just hold on

And I am not throwing away my shot!

Hamilton. If you haven't listened to the music from this musical, YOU NEED TO. IMMEDIATELY.

I'd heard about this phenomenon off and on, but never really paid much attention to all the buzz, because I knew there was no way I could get tickets (and that was before I realized they're sold out through, like, next November, unless you want to sell everything you own and buy them resale) (I just looked it up, the worst seats in the house go for like $1500 each resale) (not kidding). But then BooMama posted a video of the cast performing at the White House, and it was hook line and sinker I'm in love.

I have a YouTube playlist that is the entire album in order because I'm too broke to order the album outright right now, though I'm hoping someone will give me $20 or an iTunes gift card so I can get it because I would love nothing more to not be reliant on Wifi to listen to this.

It is seriously the best Broadway musical I've ever heard, and that's just from the cast album. I can't imagine how in love I would be if I could see it in person.

So you can fall in love with it, too, here are some of the first ones I listened, too, that pulled me into the Hamilton frenzy.











Hamilton is up for a record 16 Tony nominations. I'd say they'd win them all if a few of them weren't cast members competing against each other for the same category. I've never even watched the Tonys before. I will be this year, for sure.

Almost...there...

It's late.

I'm hot and sweaty.

I want to take a shower.

I'm also exhausted.

I want to sleep.

But I have to write at least one more section of this paper before I can do any of that because I know that if I stop, I won't start again.

I am, however, taking a food break because passing out from low blood sugar definitely won't do me any good. I went to the deli and got food and stopped and visited a few friends who are working on the block tonight. Sometimes the best thing I can do is take a mental break, and seeing those friends was definitely the best kind of break.

Now I'm eating and trying to motivate myself to write this next section of the paper.

It's not working so well.

Big props to the Hamilton soundtrack for keeping me awake. If y'all haven't checked this out, DO IT. You can listen to the whole thing on YouTube if you don't have money to buy it on iTunes. It's not a wonder in the least as to why this musical is nominated for SIXTEEN TONY AWARDS.

Hello from the outside.

Adele broke the internet a few weeks ago. I'm just as obsessed with this cover.

Lucky

I went to the worship community group last night - my first time making it out there.

It was EXACTLY what I needed.

I'd forgotten how much I love singing with people.

That was the first real time of peace that I've had since this whole mess began last Sunday.

At the end, when I absolutely lost it and started crying, my friends, they came and surrounded me.

They prayed.

And I was reminded yet again that I am so, so not alone.

From here, to North Carolina, to Georgia, to Florida, to Texas, I am surrounded by love.

I am surrounded by people who have seemingly made it their life's mission to make me never forget that I am not alone, even if people aren't physically with me.

Tomorrow is scary, and the results coming could be scary, but despite everything, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs.

I'm one of those people.

I haven't been in the best mood the past couple of days, outside of my time at church which was AMAZING, and sometimes, silly love songs are exactly what make me smile.

Specifically, silly One Direction love songs. But these aren't silly. They're beautiful, and the lyrics, to me, are beyond what you would expect from the world's most popular "boy band."

So to my ladies out there (or gentlemen, I don't know), if you're in need of a good love song or two, I hope you enjoy these.



My hands, your hands,
tied up like two ships,
drifting, weightless.
Waves try to break it.
I'd do anything to save it.
Why is it so hard to say it?

My heart, your heart,
sit tight like bookends,
pages between us
written with no end.
So many words we're not saying.
Don't wanna wait 'til it's gone.
You make me strong.

I'm sorry if I say I need you,
but I don't care. I'm not scared of love
'cause when I'm not with you, I'm weaker.
Is that so wrong?
Is it so wrong
that you make me strong?

Think of how much
love that's been wasted.
People always
trying to escape it
move on to stop their heart breaking,
but there's nothing I'm running from.
You make me strong.

I'm sorry if I say I need you,
but I don't care. I'm not scared of love
'cause when I'm not with you, I'm weaker.
Is that so wrong?
Is it so wrong?

So, baby, hold on to my heart, oh.
Need you to keep me from falling apart.
I'll always hold on
'cause you make me strong.

I'm sorry if I say I need you,
but I don't care. I'm not scared of love
'cause when I'm not with you, I'm weaker.
Is that so wrong?
Is it so wrong?

I'm sorry if I say I need you,
but I don't care. I'm not scared of love
'cause when I'm not with you, I'm weaker.
Is that so wrong?
Is it so wrong
that you make me strong?

I'm sorry if I say I need you,
but I don't care. I'm not scared of love
'cause when I'm not with you, I'm weaker.
Is that so wrong?
Is it so wrong
that you make me strong?



I got a heart,
and I got a soul.
Believe me, I will use them both.

We made a start,
be it a false one, I know.
Baby, I don't want to feel alone.

So kiss me where I lay down,
my hands pressed to your cheeks,
a long way from the playground.

I have loved you since we were 18,
long before we both thought the same thing,
to be loved and to be in love.
All I can do is say that these arms were made for holding you, oh.
I want a love like you made me feel when we were 18.

We took a chance.
God knows we tried,
yet all along, I knew we'd be fine.

So pour me a drink, oh, love.
Let's split the night wide open,
and we'll see everything we can,
livin' love in slow motion, motion, motion.

So kiss me where I lay down,
my hands pressed to your cheeks,
a long way from the playground.

I have loved you since we were 18,
long before we both thought the same thing,
to be loved and to be in love.
And all I can do is say that these arms were made for holding you, oh,
and I want a love like you made me feel when we were 18.

When we were 18
Oh, Lord, when we were 18

Kiss me where I lay down,
my hands pressed to your cheeks,
a long way from the playground.

I have loved you since we were 18,
long before we both thought the same thing.

To be loved and to be in love.

And all I can do is say that these arms were made for holding you,
and I want a love like you made me feel when we were 18.
I want a love like you made me feel when we were 18.
I want a love like you made me feel when we were 18.

I hope these made you smile today. If not, come back again soon. ;)

It's you they add up to.

Truth time: I've been on a bit of a One Direction kick lately. Yeah, I know. They're a lot more talented than I ever gave them credit for.

One of the first songs I listened to from them on YouTube a couple weeks ago was "Little Things." It's all about how the little things a girl doesn't like about herself are all the things that her boyfriend loves, that he loves every part of her and she's perfect to him.

Most teenage girls probably like to dream that one of the boys is singing the song directly to her, but for me, it's been a huge reminder to love myself, every part of myself, even the things that my first instinct is to cringe at and put down. To stop demeaning my beauty. To stop playing the comparison game and thinking about how other girls are prettier/better/more attractive than me.

A big part of me is still absolutely terrified that I'll never get married and have kids, that as Landon once said, he is "all I'm ever going to get." (Yeah. He did.) I still have many days where I believe that I'm never going to have that powerful, beautiful romantic love and find someone to, as cliche as it sounds, share my life with for the rest of my life. And I tell myself that if I really am alone forever, that it'll be because of all these little things that I don't like about myself.

But then I remember something Clayton once told me after the conversation with Landon back in April, when I asked him to tell me that I was going to find someone one day that didn't treat me like Landon did. This is what he said.

"I believe that as amazing of a person as you are, there's no way that you won't find a man who loves you completely and cares about you more than himself."

Friends are there to believe when you can't. To see the beauty in you when you're your own worst enemy. And remembering this response from Clayton and the message behind this song (as silly as it may be to think so hard about a One Direction song) helps me remember that there is so much more to me than the negative things I often see first. So who cares where it comes from? We all need help sometimes remembering that we are beautiful and loved just as we are. Because every little thing about us, even the things we wish we could change, add up to the beautiful, amazing creatures that we are. We're lovely just like this.

Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me,
but bear this in mind, it was meant to be,
and I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks,
and it all makes sense to me.

I know you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile.
You've never loved your stomach or your thighs,
the dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine,
but I'll love them endlessly.

I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth,
but if I do, it's you, oh, it's you they add up to.
I'm in love with you
and all these little things.

You can't go to bed without a cup of tea,
and maybe that's the reason that you talk in your sleep,
and all those conversations are the secrets that I keep,
though it makes no sense to me.

I know you've never loved the sound of your voice on tape.
You never want to know how much you weigh.
You still have to squeeze into your jeans,
but you're perfect to me.

I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth,
but if it's true, it's you, it's you they add up to.
I'm in love with you
and all these little things.

You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you,
and you'll never treat yourself right, darlin', but I want you to.
If I let you know I'm here for you,
maybe you'll love yourself like I love you, oh.

I've just let these little things slip out of my mouth,
'cause it's you, oh, it's you, it's you they add up to,
and I'm in love with you
and all these little things.

I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth,
but if it's true, it's you, it's you they add up to.
I'm in love with you
and all your little things.

Nothing Like It

I don't have a lot to say tonight. I just want to get this memory recorded so I can come back later and look at it again. Because I have a feeling I'm going to need it again.

I was talking to my friend Steven after the service today. I told him that I really liked the song he did solo during the offering ("Obsession" done by many artists, David Crowder, Jesus Culture, and others).

He said thanks and then asked me what I thought of the first song of the service, "It Is Well" by Bethel Music, also a new one for the church and one I'd never heard before.

I said I loved it, that I pulled up the lyrics on my phone as soon as it was over so I didn't forget it so I could look at it later and find it on YouTube. I said I thought I'd be listening to it again and again.

He smiled and replied, "Good, I'm glad to hear that. I picked it out just for you."

He picked it out just for me. It was enough for me to hear that he'd been praying for me all week, but to hear that he thought of me enough to think that when picking out music and then decided to make it a part of the service just because he thought I needed to hear it? I don't have words for that. It means so much.

There is nothing like moments like that to remind me that I am SO VERY LOVED. That this is God showing up because it's only by His grace that I found my City Grace family, let alone as quickly as I did, and that I have this much love and support right around me in a city that can seem so huge and overwhelming and lonely.

In case you need to hear this, too, here's the song.

Our finest gifts we bring.

So I've been listening to "Little Drummer Boy" tonight (check out the cover by Pentatonix!). Yes, I'm aware that it's July. When have I ever been normal?

But it got me thinking. (Yes, I know the story is fictional. Just go with me.)

Here's this poor kid. He's brought along to go visit a newborn baby who is the King, the Savior, they've been waiting for. Everyone's bringing gifts, because that's what people do when they go to visit any royalty, especially the Eternal King. But he's a kid. Kids don't have money, let alone for something extravagant, something worthy of a King. All he has is his drum.

So he plays.

He gives what he has to give. He plays his drum knowing that that is the best thing he has to offer. He puts his heart into his music, hoping that maybe, just maybe, it will be good enough. If I were in that position, I know that I'd be terrified they would laugh at me, or that they would get angry that I hadn't brought something better, something worthy of giving to the King. Instead, the baby Jesus smiles. He smiles at the boy who gives the best thing he can.

And while I know that the story of the little drummer boy isn't in the Bible, I find that smiling baby very symbolic. I think that God smiles when He sees that we're giving Him the best that we can. When we do good just because we can, not because someone might notice. When we put our whole hearts into relationships, knowing that we might get hurt, simply because we know God wouldn't want us to hold back love from anyone. When we create the best art we know how to create, when we do it because we love it and do it for His glory, not ours.

God is delighted when we give Him our finest gifts, even if we think they're not good enough, or the world tells us we're not good enough. Because He knows our hearts. God knows when we're giving all we have, even if it's just a beat on a drum and people think we can do more. And God knows if we're more interested in what other people think than in what He thinks. If we're giving the best that we can, if we're doing the best that we can, then that is enough. The Bible says to do everything for the glory of God, do it in the name of the Lord. It says nothing about perfection or being better than everyone else.

Because you know what? The best gift that we can bring to the Lord is our hearts. When we lay our hearts at His feet, when we give over all of our desires and plans as well as our fear and sin and shame, that is the best gift of all. God never asks us to lavish Him with gifts, or to do more than He knows we're capable of, He is in the battle for our hearts. And if we give Him that, then my guess is He's happier than a kid in a candy shop. If the angels are having a party and heaven is rejoicing, then God is the one who organized the whole shindig. God doesn't want the stuff you can give, He just wants you.

If you're reading this, I just want you to know that you are enough. You are enough for God. He delights in you and all that you are, even if you're wrecked by guilt that you're not good enough. God wants you, just as you are, because when you give God your heart, He will make you enough. He will make you just as clean and righteous as the One who never sinned, the actual picture of perfection. You are, as the Anima Series says, "cherished, loved, and adored above all things by the Creator of all things."

Give what you have to give, even if it's just a beat on a drum. He'll delight in every tap.

Take a Long Drive with Jordan Taylor.

Along with approximately 359,954 other people (and that's not counting their other social media followers), you may be familiar with a little YouTube team called Blimey Cow and their series "Messy Mondays". I don't even remember when I started following them, but I think it was back in 2011 because I remember being amused when I learned later on that several of the people I met in Nashville knew them personally. Between their videos that balance hilarity and conviction better than just about anything I've ever seen online, and how friendly and appreciative they were when it came to their fans, I knew that I wanted to keep following Josh, Jordan, and Kelli in whatever their endeavors were in the future.

So when Jordan announced that he was officially making his own album, I knew I wanted to be a part, so I pledged on his Kickstarter. Doing so got me early access to the album, titled "Long Drive," and let me tell you, it's better than I could have ever imagined it would be.

Jordan's vocals entrance you from the first note of the first song, as if his voice is washing effortlessly over the music. Each song flows flawlessly from one to the next, as if it really is one story told in pieces over a single car ride. There is a similar smoothness in the instrumentation of each song that binds them all together, yet each song is still completely unique in its mood and tone. With the start of each song, I never once felt like I'd heard anything like it before, but there was a constant sense of comfort and serenity throughout the entire album. However, even in the midst of the feelings of comfort and calm, I still caught myself wanting to dance to his music. There are very few bands or artists that I know of that can strike that balance so well.

Knowing and loving The Vespers for several years is probably at least partially to blame for my love of supporting independent artists, but I can 100% honestly tell you that even if I hadn't known about this album in advance to support it on Kickstarter, I would still have bought it if I found it on iTunes or heard about it through a friend. I definitely got my money's worth on my pledge, but more than that, listening to Jordan's album just makes me happy. And isn't that what we all want when we listen to music, to feel something? If we don't feel something when we hear it, it's just noise, not music. Jordan definitely made music, and pretty incredible music to boot.

And as an added bonus, I was able to email Jordan some questions to post here on the blog as an interview. :)

-----

You have a beautiful voice, Jordan! Have you taken voice lessons, or is that all just natural talent?

J: Wow, thank you! I took voice lessons leading up to having to record vocals for the album.

What made you decide to do an album with vocals? The original music I heard from you was just instrumental, and I loved that, as well.

J: I wanted to do an album with vocals because it just felt right. I don't really know what else to say, but when I was trying to figure out about doing a fully instrumental album, I just felt like I needed to add lyrics to a lot of the songs.

My favorite track on the album is "Every Detail." What was the inspiration for that song?

J: The inspiration for that song was just summer nights where you like someone and have no worries and nothing seems like it could ever go wrong.

Which song was the most difficult for you to create both instrumentation and lyrics?

J: Either Separation or Don't Let Me Go were both difficult to come up with the lyrics for. If we're talking about instrumentation though, maybe Long Drive or Feet of Shadows.

Which one was the easiest?

J: The song that probably came to me the fastest was Home.

Do you have a favorite song on the album?

J: My favorite song kind of changes depending on what time of day I'm listening to it, but I'd probably have to go with Need Each Other.

Were there any artists or bands that were inspiration for you going into these songs?

J: Yeah, definitely Jimmy Eat World, Ryan Adams, and Relient K. Those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

When did you start playing the guitar?

J: I probably started playing guitar like 8 years ago or so.

Have you always wanted to make an album, or was this at one point just a hobby for you?

J: Playing guitar and making up songs still just feels like a hobby to me honestly, and I kind of like it like that. I haven't always wanted to make an album, but when I feel like I have something to say, then I write it down and overtime that accumulates into an album.

How was the experience3 of having Josh help you throughout the creation of the album?

J: It was great! Josh is very good at planning things out and executing. Without Josh, this album would have never happened. We've always worked well together, so it was awesome to have something new to work on together.

Why did you name the album "Long Drive"? I've always loved learning why artists and bands pick the album names they do, so I'm curious.

J: I picked "Long Drive" because the whole album kind of revolves around a car ride, and because I realized that that was happening as I was writing it, I named it after the song that naturally encompassed that the best.

Do you have dreams or plans for another album, or are you still basking in the enjoyment of finishing this one?

J: I can't say that I haven't thought about it. I definitely have, but yes, I'm still enjoying this album and the aftermath of its completion. It's nice to just have some time where I can relax and make up songs without the stress of having a due date, even though a due date sometimes makes the creative juices flow a lot better. Possibly at some point if enough songs are created to release a full length album again, then I'll make another one.

-----

Go get Jordan Taylor's debut album "Long Drive" on iTunes, check out his website messyjordan.com, and say hi to him on Twitter @Messy_Jordan.

Dancing Out My Pants

Music has healing qualities for me.

I need music tonight.

Three ER trips in three days (I can't tell you about the last two quite yet) means I am physically and mentally exhausted.

I have hard choices to make in the next few days, but right now I just need to relax.

And also, David arrives tomorrow (Tuesday) and it's the start of birthday week, so I have things to look forward to.

So for now, I'm going to share a couple songs that I love. The first one is from R5, a pop-rock band. Their bassist Riker Lynch was on Dancing with the Stars this season, so I found them through falling in love with him during the season and looking up his band. This is probably my favorite song of theirs, but they have a new album coming out next month so that could easily change.

R5's "Pass Me By"



The second is a song that was performed on Dancing with the Stars. It's all about love and fidelity, and really, how many songs do you hear about fidelity nowadays? And it's perky and catchy and I can't get it out of my head.

Andy Grammer's "Honey I'm Good"



Enjoy.

Glee took me to church tonight.

Dude.

Chills don't even begin to explain my feelings when I hear this.



Not to mention, I looked up the original by Hozier and that music video and the story behind it and the song made me cry.

I love when artists use their gift for a serious message and a platform.

Work was work. I got kissed on the cheek by a drunk dude, so you know, the usual. ;)

Joy Parade

I will bend, and I will sway.
I will fight to stand up straight.
When troubled winds blow my way,
I won't break.

I will hope, and I will love.
I will give 'til there's enough.
That's the life I'm dreaming of.
I won't give up.

My head's spinning all around and round,
and the world keeps trying to bring me down, oh.
I bought a ticket to the joy parade,
and I ain't jumpin' off of this happy train, no.

I will stumble, I will crawl,
bang my head against these walls.
In the end, I won't have it all,
but I'll stand tall.

My head's spinning all around and round,
and the world keeps trying to bring me down, oh.
I bought a ticket to the joy parade,
and I ain't jumpin' off of this happy train, no.

I will sing, and I will shout,
let these words fly from my mouth.
I will live what this life's about
with or without.
I will live what this life's about
with or with out.

by Lennon and Maisy Stella, originally performed on the hit ABC TV show "Nashville"...the encouragement I needed today

Happy Video Day

Today: my other two classes don't have nearly as much work involved as I expected them to, but I'm still all anxious because, well, I'm me.

Well, that about sums today up, so instead of boring you with my usual beginning-of-semester anxiety rant, I'm going to share two videos that make me smile.



First, a RIDICULOUS mash-up cover of two Taylor Swift songs that I am absolutely obsessed with. Sorry not sorry.



And then a dance video of a high school theater teacher and his classes dancing to "Uptown Funk". Which just makes me smile.

Enjoy. Happy Thursday.

Throwback

Today was Holly's birthday!

After I got out of class, I went to a tattoo parlor and sat with her while she got her very first tattoo. She got a surprisingly large sparrow on the back of her left shoulder. It is rather beautiful. If I ever lose my mind and decide to get a tattoo, I'm going to her artist because he was awesome, talented, and cute to boot. ;)

The afternoon was lazy.

In the evening, we ate dinner, the roommate made a cake, and we had a few drinks while singing 90s music at the top of our lungs. It was heavenly. I haven't listened to most of those songs in ages and now want to go buy them all on iTunes.

They went out late that night and I went to bed. I'm not much fun with my stupid arm still in this sling.

Halloween 2014: What a night.

For the first time since my childhood, I dressed up for Halloween. You can thank Holly for this. But seriously, I FELT PRETTY. I actually felt like I looked good. And for the first time in I don't even know how long, I actually got compliments from strangers (and guys! cute guys!) about how I looked. This one stunningly gorgeous girl even told me I looked awesome, which was very flattering considering how she looked. That was a lovely change and, weirdly, helped me feel comfortable in a Halloween costume. Ha! You can't really see it, because of the lighting Holly insisted upon, but the hemline of the skirt is asymmetrical and jagged, and I didn't realize until I put it on just how far the high side went. Oops! Luckily, you could only really tell when I was sitting down, and hey, in dark Halloween parties, no one's really going to tell.

We took this picture to send to Mom. I texted her a caption that said, "Sorry. No parrots." since she thought Holly should have been my parrot. But really, anyone who knows Holly knows this costume is, like, the most Holly thing ever.

We went to several different places all over Lower Manhattan. Too many to name (and frankly, I don't remember them all). It certainly was interesting to see all the people wandering around in bizarre and sometimes freaky looking costumes. I had several people ask to take a picture with me. It was hilarious and fun and I enjoyed every single person that came up to talk to me. I did lose that sword somewhere along the way, but oh well, it's just a plastic sword.

We ended up back in our neighborhood at this music hall called Rockwood a little after 1:00. There are two stages, but any other time we've gone by there, both have been packed to the door. Surprisingly, there was space in both. So we went in the first stage and watched this awesome band called Thompson & Boombox. We tried out the second stage for a bit, but they had too many flashing lights so I went back to Thompson & Boombox and ended up getting a waitress to put me a stool right by the drummer. And I proceeded to rock out with the best seat-dancing you will ever see ;) They finished their set around 2:15 and I went and introduced myself to all of them and told them that  they were phenomenal. Because seriously, they are. Brendan, the lead singer, has a stage persona that reminded both me and Holly of Freddie Mercury...and that is saying a LOT. And his harmonies with Jack, the keyboard player and other main vocalist were just insane. I absolutely loved it. I can't wait to see them again. Derek, the bassist, even gave me their card and told me to hit them up if I wanted to jam sometime. :) Can you even imagine?!

These sweet guys even let me take a picture with them. From left, Brendan, Jack, Mike, Derek, and Matt.

All in all, my goal when we left at about 6:45 was not to come home until I was absolutely exhausted. And considering, when I got home at about 3:00 I could barely stand up, I'd say that that was a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

All I know is that you drove us off the road.

Taylor Swift's new album arrived in my mailbox today. I've been anxiously awaiting it since the day I pre-ordered it. Judge if you must, but I love Taylor Swift and I am not ashamed.

I put it in as soon as I got up to my room and immediately started jamming out like you do to T-Swift when she's gone full-blown pop star.

Now, I've got to give Ms. Swift credit. There's not a single song on 1989 that I don't really, really like. The number of albums about which I can say that is quite small.

But seriously, darn her for pulling back every feeling of my recent heartbreak and putting it to a tune I can't help but want to listen to over and over again, thus turning me into a teary masochist.

Of course, this whole situation is absolutely not helped by the fact that he texted me yet again today, this time telling me how much he misses me. I wanted to tell him exactly why I can't talk to him anymore, but I know that that would just suck me right back in like it always does. So I didn't. It took every ounce of self-control I have in me, but I didn't. So there's progress.

Will I ever be able to think of him and not ache to the very center of my being? Will I ever be able to see his phone number pop up on my screen and not have my heart feel like it plummets to my stomach? Will I ever not want to go back to the time when I believed he was good and I was right for loving him? I don't know. I hope so.

What I do know is that he broke us, he broke this, and I can't fool myself into continuing to pretend he is the person I thought he was. And this time, I'm not going to be crawling back to him begging for us to go back to the toxic cycle we spent years in. I have to deal with this pain in the hopes that it will one day ease, and thank God for the fact that I have people in my life who love me just as I am and want the best for me.

Taylor Swift "All You Had to Do was Stay"

People like you always want back
the love they gave away.
People like me want to believe you
when you say you've changed.
The more I think about it now,
the less I know.
All I know is that you drove us off the road.

Hey, all you had to do was stay.
Had me in the palm of your hand.
Then why'd you have to go and lock me out
when I let you in?
Hey, now you say you want it back
now that it's just too late.
Well, it could've been easy.
All you had to do was stay.

Here you are now, 
calling me up,
but I don't know what to say.
I've been picking up the pieces
of the mess you made.
People like you always want back 
the love they pushed aside,
but people like me are gone forever
when you say goodbye.

Hey, all you had to do was stay.
Had me in the palm of your hand.
Then why'd you have to go and lock me out
when I let you in?
Hey, now you say you want it back
now that it's just too late.
Well, it could've been easy.
All you had to do was stay.

Let me remind you...
This was what you wanted.
You ended it.
You were all I wanted,
but not like this...

Hey, all you had to do was stay.
Had me in the palm of your hand.
Then why'd you have to go and lock me out
when I let you in?
Hey, now you say you want it back
now that it's just too late.
Well, it could've been easy.
All you had to do was stay.

Seriously, I love Taylor Swift. 1989 is a great album, even if it does rip open some fresh scars.

Sometimes you just need to rock out in your pajamas.

I didn't sleep last night...so that was fun.

I forced myself to go to church, anyway. Most people would probably be like "Ehh, I'm exhausted, I'll skip it this week." But I figured that I could either stay home and be exhausted and do nothing but think about how miserable I am, or go to church and be exhausted and be in a lovely worship service. Pretty easy choice when I put it like that.

I finally crashed around 1:30 this afternoon and slept for about four hours, which is about as long as I ever sleep anymore. Better than nothing.

The rest of the night, I've tried to focus on my work, but my head just wasn't in it. I mean, I got the reading I needed to get done done, but it took way longer than normal because I kept distracting myself.

So most of the night, I've been listening to music and dancing in my seat and rocking out as much as I can (ha!) and it's just the kind of evening I needed after last night. I'll let you in on a little secret...I found some songs from the High School Musical series buried in my iTunes, and they've mostly been my music of choice today. In fact, I've had one song in particular on repeat. A LOT. No shame. :p

Hey, sometimes we all need a little bit of Troy Bolton and the Wildcats to pump us up. You should try it.

Pretty much my life song for the past two months.

You're welcome.



I'm just gonna shake.

You make me brave.

I'm in a period of life where, truth be told, I feel like I'm caught up in the waves. Some of it is actually good stuff, like school, and adjusting to life in NYC, but that doesn't make it any less stressful or hard. But there's a good deal of it that is not good stuff. Bills, doctors appointments, fatigue, headaches, seizures, and mostly, this shoulder injury. And that bad stuff, well, sometimes it can feel suffocating.

The doctors who did my Cortisone injection said it would take 48 hours to kick in, and they seemed pretty certain of that time frame, like there wasn't much wiggle room. I'm past 84 hours now, approaching the 96 hour mark, and my shoulder hurts worse now than before that injection on Thursday. So...that's not exactly a good sign. I have 16 days until I meet with an orthopedic surgeon, and unless God works some serious healing power, which I know He totally can, it looks like I'm facing that route here soon because, well, I can't keep going on like this with my one good arm out of commission.

And that's disappointing, to say the least. And frustrating. And scary, to think of the impact it could have on my Master's work. Like, honestly, I'm just so freaking tired of health stuff constantly popping up to get in the way of me living my life and doing what I came here to do, what I've worked so hard to be able to do. There's no way around that. I'm tired of it.

But you know what? I may have my bad moments, or even bad days, but I always come back to the Truth. The truth that this injury doesn't have to mean disaster. The truth that I have a support system that is just as here for me now as they were when we didn't have hundreds of miles between us. The truth that everything that has happened in the past few weeks has made me just that much more aware of how desperately I need my Jesus. This time that I'm in right now, it's leaving me no choice but to cling to God and the hope that this time will pass and things will get better.

This song, the song I mentioned on Friday, "You Make Me Brave," it says a lot of what I'm feeling right now. People think I'm so brave and so strong, and I just want people to understand that I am not brave or strong on my own. God makes me brave. The strength in me is the strength I get from holding fast to the tenderness of the One who is bigger than a torn shoulder. The fear of what the future holds that sometimes absolutely wrecks my heart is overpowered and washed away by the Champion who made a way for me to be made righteous and victorious over the darkness that this world holds. And I felt that so clearly and powerfully today at church when Pastor Ben had a couple ladies come with him to lay hands on me and pray for me and my life. God has fought on my behalf, has fought for my heart, and continues to fight for and defend me now. And because I know that, I know that I cannot be permanently defeated. There's a heck of a lot of hope in that, my friends.

I hope that, in whatever you're facing, my reflection on my struggle encourages you. I don't know what you're going through, but I do know that God is right here, right now, and He is bigger than whatever that storm is. He WILL fight for you, love, you need only to be still. Trust that He is the King of the universe, and He is the one King that can't be overthrown. He can make you feel brave when in your head, you're scared out of your mind. That's the cool part. You can face things you think you'd never survive on your own because His power is greater than whatever the storms of this life can throw at you. His Word promises that He has already overcome the world. It's done. It's over. No stress necessary.

I hope a reminder of that truth brings some comfort to you tonight.

Take a listen to the song, if you haven't heard it before. It's pretty awesome.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UglO7SGUWk