God is SO COOL.

Something happened today that's the kind of thing you hear about happening to other people but never think will happen to you.

So today, I ran into the grocery store for Mom for some things we needed. You know those days where you have a strict budget on how much you can spend at the store, with NO room to spare? This was one of those days, so I was a bit anxious to make sure I stayed under budget. No one wants to be that person that has to put stuff back while people are waiting behind you, especially days like today when it was a madhouse. When I got to the line, I asked the cashier if he had a store card on him for discounts. He did, so I took a deep breath, and once the mom and daughter in front of me were done, I stood there watching the total as he rang up my items. The bagger asked me how I was, and I said, "I'll let you know when I find out if I made it under budget." As the cashier was getting near the end, I felt a hand on my shoulder. The mom who'd been in front of me was there and said, "I want to buy your groceries for you. I'm a believer, and God is telling me to buy your groceries." YEAH. I KNOW. I started ugly crying right there in the grocery store. And you know what's the coolest part? If she hadn't done that, it would have taken up every dollar of that budget I had when I walked in.

Here's to you, Robin. Thanks for reminding me that God is in the details, and that there are more good people than bad out there.

Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit!

It was far too long to go without getting to hug this fella.

It really, really sucks only getting to see your best friend once a year, but when you do get to see them, it's Christmas morning levels of excitement.

Wednesday afternoon, Mom drove me to meet Clayton at the same Smithfield's that Mommom and I met him at last Christmas. It's a pretty accurate halfway point, and we both love their barbecue, so win-win.

We got there at about 1:15, and he and I sat there and talked straight until 3:00 when he knew that he had to leave to get home for a family dinner. We spent half the time discussing theology, because that's what happens with us, but honestly, it was just so perfect. Yes, we talk quite often on text and FaceTime, but it's just not the same as getting to actually see them in person and hug him.

After everything that's been going on with Mom, and me, and the family, and school applications, and everything else, this was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits. When I talked to my therapist that night, I even told him such, that for the first time in a long, long time, I felt truly peaceful. What sweet relief from everything else that has been happening.

(The title is this hilarious Southern saying he taught me.)

Only God could orchestrate a friendship like this.

Well, so much for the whole not ignoring my blog thing. Oops. What can you do? I'm here now. But last night was a wonderful night that I want to remember.

This is Al. I met him through my buddy August because they're both bouncers at a bar down the block. We've only known each other for a couple of months, but it feels like from the very beginning we've just clicked. He's made me feel so completely safe in a way that most people don't realize is really hard for me to find. Even though until last night we'd only ever spent time in person together standing outside his bar, we've had this connection in talking to each other that can't be manufactured.

He's someone that just shines light. No matter what kind of day I'm having, if I go and see him, as soon as I look at him, and he smiles, I can't help but smile, too. Anyone who knows me knows that a great smile is my favorite physical feature on a guy, but it's so much more than that with him. He shines because of how much he loves people. It's just who he is.

Last night, we just met up for a drink and sat and talked for a little over an hour. I felt like time crawled in the best possible way because it did not feel like it had only been an hour when he had to leave. We talked about everything, our stories, our pasts, politics and my thesis, history, our friendship, more than you could possibly think one could fit in an hour. I think I must have been beaming the entire time. He just has that effect on me. And when we instinctively reached out and grab each other's hands multiple times while we talked, or when he insisted on holding my hand on the way back to my apartment, everything just felt so right and normal and safe.

The craziest thing to me is that he is one of the people I am going to miss the most from this city, yet of all the people I'm really going to miss, he's the one I've known the shortest amount of time. Some people just make sense in your life from the very beginning; it certainly doesn't feel like I've only known him for two months. I'm closer to him than 90% of the people I've met in the past two years. He has done so much good for me in such a short amount of time.

I firmly believe that only God could orchestrate a friendship that has formed and strengthened as quickly as this one has. And while I don't know what the future holds and if or when I'll come back to New York, I know for sure that I am so, so lucky to have found him.

And the best part is that while things are going to change not being able to see each other every week, I know that no matter where we are, this isn't going away any time soon. We've already promised that much, and he's a friend whose promises I can actually trust.

Do something that scares you.

Some people from my church are going to Haiti on a missions trip this summer, and tonight they had a little fundraiser thing where people could perform, and there were baked goods and coffee and stuff like that.

Well, a few weeks ago, my friend Cathy (who was organizing the whole thing) put out a message that she still needed some performers, and on a whim, I messaged her and told her that I had a poem I would perform.

This poem, to be specific. The only poem I've ever written, though I did edit it a bit to make it flow better. It's so weird - I wasn't trying to write a poem. All of this just came out and it happened to make a good spoken word poem.

So yeah, that fundraiser was tonight, and I was so nervous beforehand that I was going to blank out on the words in the middle of it, but I didn't so yay! My voice did shake from nerves, but people really loved it, which made me feel good since it was my first time doing this.

I'm really glad I did this. It kind of makes me want to do it again. But I'm not going to force myself. I'm just going to wait for inspiration to hit like it did with this one. In this case, I just got one specific phrase ("butterflies and heart eyes") stuck in my head and everything else sort of built around it.

I feel really good and really proud of myself. I had a friend record it, and I listened to it back when I got home, and where normally I'm such a perfectionist that when I do that I start nitpicking apart everything I could have done better, tonight, I'm just really pleased. So yay.

I guess it's good to do something that scares you every now and then.

Seven Years

That's a long time, y'all, isn't it?

Seven years ago, I was a senior in high school.

Seven years ago was also when I started this blog.

And when I started this blog, one of the first friends I made was Mandy.

She is fantastic - witty, sarcastic, smart, friendly, basically freaking awesome.

Well, she and her best friend were up here in the city this weekend for vacation, and the stars aligned so we were able to meet up for a bit this afternoon.

It was so good. So, so, SO good. Exactly the break from life that I needed. I don't know the last time I laughed that hard. And as cliché as it is, it really was like meeting up with an old friend, because after seven years, you really do get a bond with people, even if it's just online. And her best friend Amanda is so amazing, we instantly clicked, too, and the three of us just talked and laughed for a solid hour and a half before they had other plans to get to go because they were leaving tonight.

It took us about fifteen minutes to actually say goodbye to each other because we'd say goodbye and then someone would say something hilarious and we'd get distracted in the conversation again, and on and on. That's the best feeling.

I'm so happy. I have about 40 pictures of us goofing off, but I'll just leave you with this one because a) we both look really good and b) no one needs to see all the other ones haha. Too much weirdness for one blog post.

Life is beautiful, and I was reminded of that today.

Oh, happy day.

You know what's awesome?

Google Maps says there is 528 miles between my apartment and Main Street on Campbell's campus (I know, not as far as I thought, but still pretty freakin' far), and my boys still call me their number one supporter.

Some of them even act surprised that I still show them this much love from so far away, which I find a bit hilarious because, well, family over everything, and I still love them as much now as I did then.

Tonight's game was...intense to say the least. The first half was honestly a bit boring, ending scoreless. Then, within 15 minutes into the second half, it was 3-1, with two goals by one of our freshmen and one by our star Brad. Unfortunately, our opponent got up to 3-3, the last one off a penalty kick that I'm not sure I agree with, so we went to overtime. Golden goal. That makes me anxious beyond belief.

First overtime, meh. Some good shots but nothing went through.

Second overtime, some really close shots on both sides, but both goalies, especially my buddy Matt, worked their tails off. It wasn't until we got a PK with 2:35 left to play that things got fun. And Brad, or as I like to call him - Brad the Beast, won the game. Ah, PKs, they can be such a blessing and such a curse, as evidenced by this game tonight.

I've basically spent all week in bed because of this migraine, not even able to make it to class yesterday (yeah, I know), but today I was finally feeling better, despite only sleeping two hours last night. After eating breakfast, I went to the pharmacy to pick up meds, then despite calling ahead to make sure their photo equipment worked, when I got there it was down, so I had to walk two extra blocks to another pharmacy to print some photos, then I went to the post office to mail some stuff, then I came back. 8 avenue blocks and 2 street blocks in 80 degree weather? That was more walking in one excursion then I've done in probably the past two weeks combined. The good news is that, after I ate lunch, that exhaustion was enough for me to fall asleep for several hours until the game.

I also finally got back to work on the Anima videos this morning. I hate that it took me so long, but Jon totally understood that my health was a mess and I had a rough year. He even said it was "an incredible blessing" that I would make time for this, but I told him this was my attempt at saying thank you for the gift he and his videos have been in my life over the past two years. Hopefully I'll continue to get more done slowly in my spare time.

So I'm really happy tonight. I'm finally beginning to feel better. I got a gift in the mail. I got to get back to work helping my friends. And I got to watch my boys pull out a very close win and support them even from so far away. What more could I ask for?

Oh, happy day.

Do you know what is something every student in every school for all time loves to hear news of? A deadline extension!

My US Foreign Policy professor sent out an email that the deadline for our paper was being moved from the 8th to the 14th because he forgot to put up a list of possible paper topics...a list that includes "or choose your own question and email me for approval"...so basically I got six extra days for no reason. I'll take it!

This means I can do my EU paper this weekend and the beginning of next week, then do that paper, then do the final International Relations essay, because that one will only take me a day or two.

Thank you, Lord.

I have the IR policy paper and the Foreign Policy brief already done. So basically, three papers and three more days of classes stand between me and the end of my first year of grad school. That's so crazy to think about.

Plus, the high today was like 80 degrees. Like, I shouldn't have been wearing jeans today it was so warm, but I didn't realize the weather was supposed to be this good today. It was awesome.

The world works in mysterious ways.

Because sometimes you meet people on the sidewalk and they immediately care.

And you start talking and they feel like long-lost friends.

Today was a very interesting day. That guy I mentioned on Thursday, we really hit it off.

I'm not sure what will come of it, but I'm very excited for the future, to say the least.

If nothing else, I got a fun and sweet date today and a great new friend, and that is enough reason to be very thankful.

With every broken bone, I swear I lived.

I woke up today mixed with emotions. Part of me wished I was still on the retreat, but the other part of me was SO excited to go back and see this guy.

The second I walked back in the Dance With Me SoHo studio, people were greeting me and giving me hugs. They remembered me (hopefully for more than just my seizure). They asked me how I was doing and told me they were so happy to have me back. It felt so warm and welcoming that even though I'd been shaking a bit walking in just from excitement and nerves, I was immediately put at ease.

Kosta, the manager, who is, like, a giant, came out and greeted me while Mike was doing something, and then we got to work. We covered the basics of the rumba, salsa, and the waltz in 30 minutes and it was so much fun. I can't say that enough. Maybe it's just because music has always been in my blood, but my whole body felt happy every second of it. I didn't want it to end. And unfortunately, because private lessons are so expensive, it'll be a while before I get to do this again until I get a higher paying job. They do have group lessons and parties, though, which are way cheaper, and I actually also get one of each of those free, so I will definitely still at least be attending some of those. I've got the dancing bug now! :)

And as it turns out, despite my utter lack of coordination, I'm actually pretty good at it! Mike said I was doing a lot of things correctly and that I was a really fast learner. The only thing I really messed up on was the salsa spins. He also told me that unlike a lot of the beginners he sees and teaches, I was really good about keeping eye contact with him and not spending the whole time staring at my feet working on getting everything right. It took a lot of willpower not to respond "Well, have you SEEN you? You're pretty easy to want to look at." I mean, come on. ;)

While we were working, we got to talk a good deal, so I told him that I've been in music, playing and singing, since I was 9, so I had the advantage of knowing rhythm and counting. I also told him about how when I was 9 I told Mom I wanted to be a dancer and so today was really fulfilling a longtime dream of mine.

One thing that really stood out to me, though, is that we were talking about my disabilities while he was showing me a step, and he said something about getting out and doing this is me overcoming my disabilities. He said he thought it was awesome that I still wanted to try this despite how my body can mess up on me so much. So I told him that that is something that I hear a lot from people, how amazing they think it that I don't let my physical problems get in the way of me getting out and at least trying to do things, but that if I never tried anything that seemed like it might hurt or be too hard I would be pretty sad and very, very bored. That cracked him up.

But it's true. As cliché as the saying is, I want to do whatever I can while I'm alive. I don't want to look back and wish I'd taken an opportunity that was in front of me. And like I said, this has been a dream for 13 years now, one that I long ago gave up hope on. I know I would've regretted not exploring this. I never want my body or my disabilities or my health issues to define who I am or hold me back in fear. I want to take full advantage of everything I have in this life.

The title is from OneRepublic's "I Lived". Check out the lyrics. It says everything I mean and am trying to say.

"It's your choice, Ace. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived." ~ Gilmore Girls

I swear, I really lived today.

I choose to dance.

When I was nine, my mom had to sit me down and ever-so-gently explain to me why it wasn't physically possible for me to be a dancer. Looking back, it's kind of laughable that I ever thought I could be, what with my birth defects and disabilities and everything and knowing all that came in the years after that conversation, but call it the naïveté of a child.

Because I bought a ticket to the Sway meet and greet back in December, I was automatically put on an email list. Most of the events in the emails, I haven't been able to attend because I couldn't afford it, but tonight, every dance studio in the Dance With Me family was hosting a premiere party to celebrate the new season of Dancing with the Stars. It was free. DWM has a studio in Soho. That was just calling my name!

Tonight was the big night. I put on a dress (which anyone who knows me knows is a rare occasion) and headed down. Literally down - it was in the basement of the building.

At first it was a bit awkward because, since I didn't go with anyone, I just sat there and watched people. There were still some lessons going on, so I got to watch some. I was dancing by myself to some of the music they had on, ha! But then, everyone was able to get up and dance for a bit before the show started, so I saw this fella standing there, and feeling brave, walked up and asked him to dance with me. (Get it? :p)

This is Mike! My first ever dance teacher. He's wonderful. I get a free lesson for coming tonight, and I've already decided I want him to be my teacher. After a bit, Mike switched partners with this guy.

Daniel! He had me laughing, mostly when he told me I should stop gripping his hands so hard.

They were the only two I got pictures with, because then the show came on and everyone was much more distracted, but I'm just happy I have a couple to memorialize the experience.

Everyone was even dancing during the commercial breaks, so I got to dance with a guy named Justin, and then Mike again (we just spotted each other and were both free and went 'why not?'), and then totally claimed a guy named Andrey for the next round because he just looked adorable (which thankfully he was fine with, haha!).

Well, in the middle of dancing with Andrey, I had a seizure. Sigh. I think it was just because it was so hot down there PLUS I danced five different times and when I was dancing with Andrey I think I just did one too many spins. Luckily, Andrey caught me so I didn't hit or hurt anything which means I could avoid another hospital trip. Also, thankfully I had mentioned my seizures in conversation so people knew I have a disorder and thus weren't completely terrified. I was so embarrassed and frustrated for interrupting the party and because I really was having such a good time. But anyway, the ambulance was called while I was still out so they came and checked me out and actually went up with me and waited and hailed a cab so no one else had to miss any of the show. That was nice. I knew I didn't need to go to the hospital because I felt like I normally do after a seizure, shaky, nauseous, but mostly just very tired.

Honestly, though, I got home and almost immediately started sobbing. All that was running through my head was that I just wanted to have a normal night for once. I had been looking forward to this night for several weeks and of course my stupid body had to go and ruin it. I felt like an idiot for going tonight and breaking the 3+ month seizure-free streak I had going. But then I talked to Mom and she reminded me of all the seizures I've had sitting down doing nothing. She also told me she was proud of me for going because she never wants to see me stop living my life because of all my health issues.

And she's right. I had SUCH a good time up until the seizure. Everyone there wasn't just talented, they were so kind and welcoming and fun that I didn't feel like a total oddball for being new and alone. And when I was dancing, I was so genuinely happy even though I had no idea what I was doing and not to mention it's physically SO hard. What kind of life would I be living if I didn't do stuff like this that I love? Like Mom said, I could have had a seizure sitting at home (I HAVE had a seizure sitting at home) and you know, I have a disorder that's not going to go away. It's much more controlled than it has been and even if dancing tonight is what brought it on, I only have one life. I deserve to do things that make me happy. Things that I love.

Dance With Me studios are 100% open to anyone, even people with all sorts of disabilities (They're even certified to teach wheelchair dance! How cool is that?!) so I can't see the seizure making them take back their offer of giving me a free lesson. So you know what? I'm going to go to it and I'm going to have fun and I'm going to DANCE.

I'll probably stick with the slower dances next time, though.

(And bring LOTS of water. Lots and lots of extra water. Basements are hot.)

At least I have people to miss and who miss me.

I love New York City so very much, but man, today, I really wish it wasn't so far away, because the idea of getting back on a plane and going far away from all the people I've seen in the past 48 hours made me cry when I got in the shower tonight.

Today was so good. SO good. I got to see everyone that I wanted to. Turns out, when you're only on campus for 72 hours and then you're going back to being 600 miles and about 12 hours away, people will rearrange anything they can to make time to see you. And luckily for me, 6 of them decided to come in two groups of three, which made my day much easier than I expected it to be.

I got up at 10:00 and sort of just relaxed for a bit and then got ready and went and ate lunch at Chick-Fil-A.

My first stop was Dr. Mero, and I talked to him for like an hour.

Then it was Dr. Stanke, and I talked to her for about half an hour before students started really needing her, but hey, it was her office hour, so I got out of there.

After that, I went over to the Student Center and hung out. The plan was to see Mitch from Reformation at 3:20 when he got out of class, then Reafe, Tunji, and Isaiah at 4:00, and then Ricky, Nicole, and Scooter at 7:00. The nice thing was they all agreed to meet me there, so once I was there, I knew I didn't have to go anywhere for quite some time. I thought I would have plenty of time to kill throughout the afternoon. It didn't work out like that. Ha!

I worked as I was waiting for Mitch, but then Reafe found me. It turned out he was there early because he's got some injury so he couldn't be at fitness with Tunji and Isaiah. Of course, I got up and gave him a huge hug, but then I was like "Umm, I'm actually waiting for someone else right now. This is why I planned for you at 4:00." Ha, good thing he already knows and loves me, Type A weirdness and all. But he talked to me until Mitch got there and then he went back into the other room where he'd been before. I spent about half an hour with Mitch, and it was really nice to see him. It seems like we're both doing a lot better now than we were last year, and so it was cool just to talk about how far we've both come.

He left about 3:50 and then I went over and joined Reafe at his table. Tunji and Isaiah actually didn't get there until close to 4:30, so Reafe and I had a good bit of time to talk by ourselves. This guy...he's the kind of character that he just pretends to be so hard and serious all the time, but when you get to know him, he's actually quite introspective and loving.

The other two got there, and we sat just talking and goofing off for a bit until Reafe had to get to work just before 5:00. Tunji and Isaiah were supposed to have class at 6:00, but it got canceled tonight because of an ice storm that is supposed to hit right about now (so far, my plane is still on time tomorrow night at it's supposed to warm back up by late morning - fingers crossed it stays that way so I can get home!) so they actually stayed there and we hung out talking about everything and nothing until almost 7:00. It was absolutely perfect. I knew I missed hanging out with them, but I didn't realize just how badly I missed it until I got to do it again tonight. I don't remember the last time I smiled that hard or laughed that much in such a short amount of time.

(Isaiah really is very dark in person, so it's hard to get a good picture with him. He hates taking pictures anyway, but my brothers will put up with just about anything for me. :)

Since Tunji and Isaiah stayed there so long, it wasn't even ten minutes before Ricky and Nicole got there, and then Scooter about ten minutes after them. We ate dinner and talked for a little over an hour before they all had to go, and by that point I was beat, too. But while we were there they asked me all sorts of questions about life in New York and I told them different stories, some even about my first roommate experience, and the ensuing conversations just had us all rolling with laughter.

(My shirt is not that blindingly electric to look at in person. The lighting is bad in there, but the flash wasn't on. It's weird.)

Ricky and Nicole offered, well more like Ricky insisted because it's so cold and he is Mr. Protective, to give me a ride back, which I gladly accepted. When we got back to my friends' apartment building, Ricky insisted on carrying my laptop and walking me all the way up to the third floor. We were talking and before I knocked on  the door, he told me something big that is going on in his life, and I asked him if I could pray for him right then, and he said yes, so I prayed for him right there in the freezing cold. There is no feeling like the one I get when I am able to pray with and over people, especially the ones I love, and I was honored that he let me.

Then I came in, collapsed in exhaustion, took a shower, and hung out with the girls for a little while until they all went to bed. It's taken me way longer to write this post than it should have because I've been jamming out to Glee music from this past Friday.

I couldn't have asked for really anything more out of today and yesterday, except for maybe remembering to take pictures with everyone else. I got to see everyone that I had intentions of seeing when I got here and even had a couple surprises thrown in. And also, when people graduate and move, things are inevitably going to change, and so I was honestly a bit curious if things would be different when I was back and me and my friends were together in person again. It was so cool to see that for every single one of them, it was like no time had passed at all. I'm still me. Tunji saw a girl tonight while we were hanging out and she asked what was up and he immediately said "My sister's in town!" and pointed at me. Isaiah, when talking about the incident back in April when a whole group of them showed up to act as my bodyguards, said "We gotta protect our sister. We didn't think twice about it. We never will." Even Martinez, whom I really wasn't all that close to, called me his sister last night and told me he loved me when he walked me out and helped me down the stairs.

But seriously y'all, those four boys in the pictures, Reafe, Tunji, Isaiah, and Ricky, my brothers, my goon squad as I was affectionately calling them today, I can't even begin to adequately describe what they mean to me and how happy today made me getting to be reunited with them, even if it was only for a few hours. The bond that I have with them, it's one that I can't even begin to explain how it happened. It just did. I would do absolutely anything for them, just like I know they'd drop anything for me in a heartbeat. They make me feel special, and important, and like they're the lucky ones that I choose to hang out with them, and it's just mind-boggling to be in this position. They're some of the biggest goofballs I've ever met but take their friendships very, very seriously. They make me better, and Reafe and Ricky are constantly pushing me to grow in my faith and trust God more. I couldn't ask for better guys to call me their sister.

So yeah, I may be getting back on a plane tomorrow to go back to New York, without the slightest clue of when I'll see any of my brothers again, but I'm choosing to look at it as a blessing that I have so much love in my life that I have people I will miss and who will miss me so much. Because this was something that, for a long time, I truly didn't know would ever happen for me, and all of my Campbell family, but those four boys in particular, are such a sweet picture of how big God's redemptive powers can be.

I won't need pictures to remember this day for a long time.

You know it's a really good day for me when I'm so busy living it that I forget to take pictures.

Today was so, so good. Incredibly surreal, and very long, but so good and so sweet.

I got up at 8:00 and got ready, and then at 9:00 I went down the street to a coffee shop and met Josh, one of my Reformation brothers and hung out with him until he had to get to class at 10:00.

I listened to music for a bit and started some more work on my paper.

Then Austin came and met me at 11:00 and we went to Campus Grill for lunch. I was so, so excited to see him and just talk. We really didn't talk that much in the fall semester because life is just so busy and distance is hard, so it was nice to be together again and feel like nothing had changed. He wants to see me again tomorrow so hopefully we can work that out.

By the time we left, it was pouring rain. Thankfully I had thought to carry my laptop in a couple plastic grocery bags today simply because it would be easier (I had no idea it was supposed to rain today because I totally forgot to check the weather or even bring an umbrella to NC), so between holding it under my zipped up hoodie and the two layers of plastic, it was safe from the water. Austin had to get to class at 12:00, and I went over to D Rich to see professors. It was so crazy walking back in that building. As I walked down the hall to get to the elevator, I saw that Dr. Schroeder was in his office, so I stopped in and talked to him for a few minutes. Then I went upstairs to see Dr. Thornton, whom I had planned to meet at 12:15, but he understood I got distracted. I ended up sitting there talking to him for an hour and a half about NYU and the program and my classes and how well I felt like Campbell prepared me both academically and as a person and the State/Duke game and just life in general and it was awesome. He told me he wished that I would still be here on Thursday because he would love me to come speak to his newest Seminar class. Because apparently I'm a success story. At least that's what he said, along with that I am breaking new ground by making Campbell's name known at NYU's IR program. That was flattering.

Just before 2:00, he mentioned that I should go see Dr. Steegar. I thought Dr. Steegar had fully retired and was planning on calling him on his cell phone just to see if he was in the area (since he likes to travel so much), but as it turns out, he only partially retired and is still teaching two regular classes and two independent studies on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Because only Dr. Steegar thinks part-time teaching is four classes. So Dr. Thornton looked it up and saw that he had just gotten out of class and I knew that if he'd just gotten out, he'd be in his office for at least the next hour, so I went and ambushed him. His face was priceless. :) I talked to him until one of his independent studies started at 3:00.

Then, I went to Chick-Fil-A and relaxed/worked for a few hours because of the three girls I'm staying with, I didn't have two of their numbers and I knew the third wouldn't be home until 6:30, so I didn't want to walk all the way here and then be stuck out in the cold. I also made some phone calls to get some doctor appointments set up, namely a primary care visit Thursday afternoon.

A little after 6:00, I headed back to the apartment. It took me a while to get here because of my breathing mixed with holding the laptop under my sweatshirt while walking in the wind and rain. I sat down and caught my breath for a few minutes and then Meredith, one of the girls I'm staying with, drove me about a mile and a half away to go visit one of the soccer boys who is sick and can't really leave his house right now. It didn't even occur to me that he would be living with two other soccer boys, so I got three for the price of one. :p So yeah, I visited them for about fifteen minutes, and then Meredith drove me back, stopping by the Student Center so I could get some dinner to go.

When we got back, I ate and then we plus Hannah and one of her friends watched The Bachelor. I'd forgotten what a train wreck that show is...or how awkward it is when you read spoilers and know how it ends and your three friends take it very seriously. Ha!

After that, I watched Oregon get their butts kicked by Ohio State. And now I'm going to bed and getting ready to do it all again tomorrow. There are 8 people and 2 professors who asked to see me tomorrow instead of today. So it's gonna be a busy one.

It was a good day. I'm very happy.

These are two of my favorite things.

What two things, you may ask?

Well, that would be the Wolfpack and time with my friends, of course. 

I got out of the hospital on Wednesday and Mom had a tooth extraction yesterday, but do you think that would stop us from driving to a Wolfpack basketball game when we already had the tickets bought? Heck no!

It was a very early morning, but so worth it. And for once, I didn’t have trouble staying awake on the long drive, which was really good because Mom was hurting and needed the company. I brought my nebulizer with me in case my breathing got really bad, but thankfully I never had to stop to use it. 

The good news is the Wolfpack absolutely killed Pittsburgh, and a conference win is always a good thing. The bad news is we next play 3 nationally ranked teams, Virginia then Duke then UNC, and none of those are going to be easy. But we’ll take them as they come, and thus far, our young team is still doing much better than just about anyone expected.

After the game, we went over to the bookstore. What was supposed to be a quick run-in to get one shirt Mom wanted that she thought she could get away with wearing to work turned into an almost hour long trip because Mom kept seeing things she wanted and couldn’t make up her mind between shirts. Because that’s what happens when Mom goes shopping for anything whatsoever. When we left she still said, “I feel like I rushed the decision!” and I simply looked at her and said, “You went in for one shirt and came out with four. That’s the opposite of rushing!” Because really. On the upside to the physical pain I got in from following her around the store all that time, I did find a very cute and very cheap shirt for myself. 

But after that was the best part of the day, one of the very few things more fun to me than a Wolfpack game: a reunion with Clayton! We tried and tried to find a time when he could come down to the coast for a visit but couldn’t work it out, so thankfully he was able to drive up to Raleigh from his family’s house for a meal today before he flies back to Atlanta on Monday. I was practically jumping with excitement by the time we pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant and found out he pulled in at almost the exact same time. Let’s just say there was a very cheesy run across part of the parking lot because I was just so excited to hug him. :)

The meal was great. I actually didn’t get much of a word in, because Clayton and Mom spent the entire time talking about theology and various denominations and their varying levels of progressiveness. Mom, despite being in massive amounts of pain, still had us both cracking up and she said she understood why I call him one of my best friends. The three of us are all incredibly sarcastic and weird so it was just so much fun and I was so, so, so freaking happy to get to spend time with him and hug him and just be with him in person again. 

But you know what? It wasn’t nearly as surreal and exciting as it could have been because of how much time we’ve spent on FaceTime in the past few months, and I think that’s a really good thing. It’s really special to have a friendship that can grow even stronger when you move hundreds of miles apart, but he’s far more important to me now than he was when we left Campbell in May. And I just think that’s amazing because 850 miles is a lot to overcome.

I’m just really lucky in the love department in general, but with him in particular. When you’ve been burned a lot by people, as I have in the past, it can make it very difficult to feel 100% safe with anyone. At least that’s the way it is for me. There’s almost always this little voice in the back of my head that is telling me I’m doing something wrong or someone’s mad at me or some crazy thing like that and so I’m always afraid of saying the wrong thing and scaring someone away. Even though I know it’s crazy. Even though I trust my friends when they tell me they love me. I still haven’t learned how to make that voice, that negativity, go away. 

But with my friendship with Clayton, I have that safety. At the very least, I am safe in being insecure. I can ask him things rooted simply in the fact that I’ve gotten in my own head again and he says things like “glad you checked! no sense in letting things worry you!” and “that’s what open communication is about!” Even though I know that I could probably have that open communication with more of my friends, I don’t trust that or myself yet, so it just means the world to me that I do have it here. 

Hopefully it won’t be another eight months before we get to see each other again.

Insert heart emoticon here. :D

I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

Tonight was the night I've been waiting for for two months. The night I got to go to Long Island to meet Maks, Val, Tony and some of the other Dancing with the Stars dancers that I have loved watching for so long.

Everyone got to take a group shot before the dancers spread through the room where you could talk to them individually.

Artem, Tony, Sharna, Peta, me, Henry, Jenna, Serge, Val...and Maks kneeling because staffers taking pictures kept telling him he was too tall. After this, I got to hug both Maks and Val (which is what I really wanted) and Maks grabbed my hand and stepped me out towards the exit. I was so happy that I forgot one of the staffers had my phone, so Val grabbed it and told me he was going to keep it. ;)

Peta, Maks, and Jenna split before I could get a selfie with them (which was lame because this thing was not that long and everyone else stayed, not to mention we paid good money for this opportunity). I was especially sad about Maks because I was going to get him to say hi to Mom on video because he's her favorite and would have flipped, but oh well.

Henry is the sweetest!

These are only some of the selfies Val took when I handed him my phone. But I don't mind. ;)

The world is Sharna's catwalk. LOOK AT HER. 

Artem is just as gentle and quiet as he seemed on TV this season. :)

Serge was one of the only two (Jenna was the other) that I wasn't familiar with before tonight, but I absolutely adore him! He is precious and so, so sweet.

I caught Tony in the hallway as I'm pretty sure he was leaving, and he still stopped and took a picture with me and signed my autograph book. Too kind.

I thought Val was selfie happy...then I met Alexander. He's kind of Twitter famous among DWTS lovers, particularly Maks and Val fans as he's grown up with them, so I immediately knew who he was. He took a lot more pictures than this, I just figured you didn't need to see them all. He was so much fun. 

All in all, an amazing experience. I'm so thrilled I got to meet this group. They're so gracious and kind. Not to mention even more beautiful in person, though I didn't know that was possible.

And now I am off to stare at my autograph book for a while, and then I'll crash. ;)

Halloween 2014: What a night.

For the first time since my childhood, I dressed up for Halloween. You can thank Holly for this. But seriously, I FELT PRETTY. I actually felt like I looked good. And for the first time in I don't even know how long, I actually got compliments from strangers (and guys! cute guys!) about how I looked. This one stunningly gorgeous girl even told me I looked awesome, which was very flattering considering how she looked. That was a lovely change and, weirdly, helped me feel comfortable in a Halloween costume. Ha! You can't really see it, because of the lighting Holly insisted upon, but the hemline of the skirt is asymmetrical and jagged, and I didn't realize until I put it on just how far the high side went. Oops! Luckily, you could only really tell when I was sitting down, and hey, in dark Halloween parties, no one's really going to tell.

We took this picture to send to Mom. I texted her a caption that said, "Sorry. No parrots." since she thought Holly should have been my parrot. But really, anyone who knows Holly knows this costume is, like, the most Holly thing ever.

We went to several different places all over Lower Manhattan. Too many to name (and frankly, I don't remember them all). It certainly was interesting to see all the people wandering around in bizarre and sometimes freaky looking costumes. I had several people ask to take a picture with me. It was hilarious and fun and I enjoyed every single person that came up to talk to me. I did lose that sword somewhere along the way, but oh well, it's just a plastic sword.

We ended up back in our neighborhood at this music hall called Rockwood a little after 1:00. There are two stages, but any other time we've gone by there, both have been packed to the door. Surprisingly, there was space in both. So we went in the first stage and watched this awesome band called Thompson & Boombox. We tried out the second stage for a bit, but they had too many flashing lights so I went back to Thompson & Boombox and ended up getting a waitress to put me a stool right by the drummer. And I proceeded to rock out with the best seat-dancing you will ever see ;) They finished their set around 2:15 and I went and introduced myself to all of them and told them that  they were phenomenal. Because seriously, they are. Brendan, the lead singer, has a stage persona that reminded both me and Holly of Freddie Mercury...and that is saying a LOT. And his harmonies with Jack, the keyboard player and other main vocalist were just insane. I absolutely loved it. I can't wait to see them again. Derek, the bassist, even gave me their card and told me to hit them up if I wanted to jam sometime. :) Can you even imagine?!

These sweet guys even let me take a picture with them. From left, Brendan, Jack, Mike, Derek, and Matt.

All in all, my goal when we left at about 6:45 was not to come home until I was absolutely exhausted. And considering, when I got home at about 3:00 I could barely stand up, I'd say that that was a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Ah, look at all the pretty people!

I'm pretty sure that's not how "Eleanor Rigby" goes. Oh well.

So I've gotten back into Dancing with the Stars the past couple of seasons. I don't watch it live, but I watch the dances of the celebrities that I care about on Youtube and look at the scores and eliminations on Wikipedia. That way, I get all the relevant information and skip all the other stuff. But since I started watching in Season 4 and that was, ohhh....seven and a half years ago, I've grown rather attached to some of the pros. Some haven't been there the whole time, but still. They're phenomenal dancers and even better looking, so what's not to like? ;)

Three of my favorite pros, Maks and Val Chmerkovskiy and Tony Dovolani have several dance studios centered around NYC (Maks and Val grew up in Brooklyn and Tony lives in CT, so it's not surprising), and so one of my "NYC Bucket List" items was to find a way to meet Maks and Val. They're Mom's and my favorites. Well, last December they and some of their dance friends created this massive dance show called Sway that sold out several nights. Well, when I heard that they were creating Sway 2.0, my first thought was "This is my chance!"

And then my second thought was, "Crap, they probably use strobe lights."

So I emailed their dance studio company email set up for the show to ask. I got a response back via Twitter that, yes, there are strobe lights. Dang it. BUT I then got an email today saying that there were meet and greet tickets available that were just for the meet and greet, without paying for the show. SCORE.

If this blog abruptly stops after December 19, this is your warning now that it's because I died and went straight to heaven after getting to touch and talk to the Chmerkovskiy brothers.

I'm paying a ridiculous amount for this, and it involves taking two subways and a bus to somewhere in Long Island, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to meet these guys, and some other pros that I've grown to love.

Look!

Aren't they so pretty?

Across the top, that's Val, Maks, and Tony. The girls are Sharna and Peta, both DWTS pros, and Jenna, a DWTS dancer. The guys on the bottom are Artem, a new DWTS pro, Serge, a friend of the guys, and Henry, a DWTS dancer.

I called Mom and told her and she laughed hysterically and then said "Kiss Maks and tell him it's from your mother. Kiss him ON THE CHEEK." She told me it's ridiculous that I'm paying so much for a meet and greet, but she doesn't blame me one bit.

Shoot. When it comes to him, Val, and Artem, I'll be kissing them all for me.

I can't help it. They're just so pretty.

Jehovah Jireh

For those of you not well-versed in Hebrew, that title means "God Our Provider" and my oh my, did He provide today.

And for the record, I totally had to Google that.

I knew way back at the end of December that my communication with Pastor Chris was not going to stop there.  What I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined was the day when he asked me to join his church's online community, or when these strangers started contacting to tell me that they appreciated me, were praying for me, loved me, and that my story had changed and affected them.  I joined that community in early February, and by mid-April, I had this deep and longing desire to visit that church and those wonderful people one day.  In fact, I just looked it up, and the first day that I mentioned that desire to Pastor Chris was April 21.

I'll be honest.  One of the biggest struggles that I have in my walk with God is that I have no problem being absolutely certain that my friends' prayers will be answered, but I have a brutal time trying to believe that mine will.  In fact, it almost never happens, that I have a feeling of certainty right off the bat that God is going to give me a desire that I have.  But I told God from the very beginning that if I was meant to go to Austin, He was going to have to make it happen.  Not only did I know I didn't have the money for a plane ticket on my own, I just decided that I wasn't going to force this one.  But I kept on praying for it, and I told a few of my friends to pray for it, too.  Ironically, one of those people immediately responded, "Oh girl.  You're going.  End of story.  No doubt in my mind."  She just knew.

All of that to say, I got what is possibly the biggest shock of my life tonight when I opened my email about twenty minutes before I was due to leave for work to find a private message from one of the members, one whom I have rarely spoken to directly but whom I know has followed along with every post I've made in that community.  This is what it said:

Hi Mallory,

Since about 4 months ago (4 months!! Just WEEKS after God laid the desire on my heart!), God is telling me that you need to come to Austin.  I told Chris about it and we both prayed for that.  I didn't know how to tell you, but when you mentioned that you would like to come to visit us everything made sense for me.  I really want to support you with your air ticket, but please don't tell anybody.  Let me know when would you like to come to Wells Branch and I will take care of your air ticket.

"It is God himself who has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus, and long ages ago he planned that we should spend these lives in helping others." (Ephesians 2:10 LB)

How incredible is that?!?!?!  I seriously sat there staring at the screen speechless for about three minutes before my mind could even process what was happening and how to respond.  It's all I've thought about all night.  I knew I had to talk to Pastor Chris, and that it had to be some time during my Christmas break, and he told me all but one of the weekends was good.

So I decided why prolong the impatience?  I finish the semester on Monday December 9th, and I'm flying to Austin on either Wednesday December 11th or Thursday December 12th and returning Monday December 16th.  I still feel pretty much in shock about it all.  I never imagined that I'd be writing in the community asking for a pet-free place to stay (the donor of the ticket has a dog, otherwise they'd host me), I really didn't expect it, especially not this soon.

But I really should know better.  The God that I serve loves to blow all of our human expectations out of the water.  And because of His amazing goodness, three months from now, I'm going to get to meet, hug, and personally thank so many people who have prayed for me and loved me for months without even knowing me.  My Jehovah Jireh came through in a major, major way today.

Thank you, Lord.  May I praise your name always.

There are no words for this.

That's actually a line from Jenny & Tyler's song "Skyline Hill."  Trust me, I have plenty of words. ;)

Well, first off, I was an idiot, and after that blog post I posted early this morning, instead of sleeping for a couple hours before I needed to take a shower before class, I was afraid that if I laid down I wouldn't get back up, so I stayed up and did school stuff all...morning?  Yeah, I guess all morning.  Because it was early, early morning.  Then at 8, I got a shower, and then did my typical get-ready-for-class deal.  Class was 10:00-10:50, and then I immediately went and got lunch, ate it, and by that point I had been awake for 22.5 straight hours, so I slept from 11:30-4:00.  And it was hard to get up, but I was excited because of what tonight was!  I ate dinner and got ready and stuff, and my friend Adaisha got here at like 5:10.

We got a little lost in Raleigh trying to find the venue, which is exactly what I was afraid of which is why we left so early, but we still got there at 6:20.  I had no idea there was a 2-story Chick-Fil-A in Raleigh that hosts concerts, but there is, because that's where we were tonight.  We headed in and immediately went up and found the band - thankfully Chick-Fil-A was keeping all guests downstairs while we set everything up, so I was able to just talk to them for a bit.  They introduced me to Jake, a friend of theirs that they're on this stretch of tour with.  I was disappointed that their sweet baby Jane was with their on-the-road nanny (aka Jenny's cousin) at a Young Life House, so I couldn't meet her, but it was all good.

We spent basically the next 45 minutes setting up all the merch stuff and we sat with Jenny while she ate dinner and just talked.  The place was PACKED tonight; it was so awesome!!  By 7:45 or so, when Jake started his set, people were literally having issue finding space to stand, and this was not a small place!  It was crazy, but I was so happy to see such a great turnout.  The nice thing was that nobody really bought anything until after the show, just a few people here and there during it, so I was able to really enjoy Jake's set.

HOLY COW, that man can sing.  You really need to check him out: Jake Ousley.  The last song he performed, titled "On My Way", made me cry; it was a combination of the touching, prayerful lyrics and Jake's absolutely stunning voice.  And to top it off, he spent the rest of the night just being so kind and talking to me and making me laugh a lot, which is always grand.  He even asked me to email him my full testimony, which...it's just always so cool to see God getting my story out there even more.  I bought a T-shirt, but he gave me and signed his CDs for free.  New friends + incredible music + laughter = tonight was a win.

I told him he looked adorable, and he responded in a totally cheesy Mexican accent "Muchas gracias!" Goofball. :)

Then, of course, came Jenny & Tyler's set, which was phenomenal, as they always are.  They are two people that, I swear, when you hear them, it feels like God made them just so that they could find each other and sing together.  Their harmonies are out of this world.  There really aren't words to explain how talented I think they are!  And the best part is, they're even more incredible people.  Jenny gave me her number so I could keep her in the loop about my health, which was just so kind of her.  I was able to share something personal with them that I have been meaning to for months but felt it would be best in person, and when I did, Tyler got this dorky grin on his face and said "Let's hug it out." with his arms open wide.  The body of Christ is so beautiful.

After  the show was kind of crazy merch-wise, just because I was so tired, it was such a small space, and there were so many people there, but it was such a great night.  Wonderful people, music that gives me chills, how could I complain?  Tonight was such a mood-lifter and such a blessing.  I'm definitely going to bed with a smile on my face.

Coming tomorrow...my first Carter-Finley visit of the season!

Sunday...my review of Jeff Bethke's book, Jesus > Religion.  I finished it last night at work before all the drama happened, and I truly mean it when I say this book could change my generation.

Love

Happy happy happy.

And more happy.

The bad news is that I have been completely unproductive today and I have 3 papers due in the next six days.

The good news is that the reason I was so unproductive is that, outside of classes, my day was FILLED with unexpected chats with people I adore.

I am so loved.

God is good.

Today was good.

And now I'm going to bed.  Before midnight, on a Friday night, GASP!  But it's so I can get up early and get to serious work on these papers.

Don't you love when you get to go to bed with a smile on your face?  I certainly do. :)

Opportunities to Bless People

It's currently almost 2 am, and I feel like I'm on top of the world.

About 8:30 tonight, I got an idea for a "gift" I could send to six very special people that I won't get to be with during this holiday season.  Gee, I wonder who that could be, right?  It's for the Vespers, Caitie, and Kyla.  And then I spent the next five hours putting the whole thing together.  And it's official, I love love love the feeling of knowing that I can bless the people that I love with very simple actions.  In fact, doing this project tonight was doing something I love to do anyway, so it was kind of perfect.

I know this is vague, but I'm not saying what the gift is because most of them know about this blog, and I can't ruin the surprise! :)  I'll tell you what it is after I know they've gotten it.

But yeah, tonight I'm thankful that God puts the ideas on my mind for ways that I can bless the people around me because I truly do love the feeling it gives me.  As cliché as it may be, giving really is better than receiving.  At least for me, anyway.  I guess I'm also thankful for God making me the kind of person who enjoys giving things to other people.

Also, just for the record, I sat through my first NFL game tonight.  Taylor's kind of obsessed with the San Francisco 49ers, so I randomly decided to watch their game tonight to see why he likes them so much.  The answer? Because they're RIDICULOUSLY GOOD.  I also figured out why so many guys like NFL football so much - it's like college football x 100.

Okay, bed time!  Last day of classes tomorrow before Thanksgiving Break!  I'm leaving right after classes (assuming that Mommom will get here earlier than I tell her to get here, like she always does).