Thursday, June 11, 2015

It's just not okay.

There's nothing quite like the feeling of realizing that you were wrong about someone you love. That you invested your whole heart in a relationship with someone who was willing to disregard it and you on a whim. That you let your guard down because you believed you were safe and then it suddenly became obvious you were very, very wrong.

I've never been good at letting go without closure. I think that's at least part of the reason why it took me so long to say goodbye to Landon. And now there's this person whom I believed would be in my life forever, and instead they've cut me out of their life without so much as a hint of an explanation. In fact, the very last thing I heard was that everything was fine....except then it wasn't.

And I don't know what to do. I've tried reaching out, on many occasions, and there's nothing but dead silence. It feels as if I no longer exist to this person. And it hurts. Because this person was someone who, for more than three years, knew everything about me and my life. They were there for everything. We planned on being friends for life. They talked about being at my wedding. I never wanted to imagine my life without them in it, and I never thought I'd have to. Until now. That is just not okay.

I never really believed that only romantic relationships could break your heart. Mainly because I've been in situations where it felt like my heart was so shattered even the finest sculptor couldn't put it back together. And while I don't think I'm quite there with this person and relationship yet, because there's been no real painful conversation or action to do the shattering, but the dead silence feels pretty damn close to heartbreak. That is just not okay.

It's just not okay, you know? It's not okay to leave someone after four years without so much as a goodbye or an explanation. It's not okay to know someone's strongest insecurities and fears and do exactly what you know they're terrified of, especially when you promised them you never would. It's not okay to run without a word, like a teenager sneaking out in the dark of night hoping no one would notice. Because someone always notices. It's just not okay.

Why do people disregard others' feelings so easily? Why are friendships so easily replaceable even when it's something both people have sworn was unlike anything they'd ever had? Why is the one left behind supposed to accept the end without reason or care for their feelings? Why does one person get to call all the shots and take someone else and step on them, and the one stepped on is just supposed to let it happen and move on? All of that is just not okay.

It doesn't matter so much what the reason is. I just want a reason. I want to know what went wrong so I can get out of my head feeling like I somehow screwed things up without even knowing. I just want a conversation. And I don't think it's too much to ask to have a conversation with someone I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to until it was too late. Leaving someone to feel as though they need to own the blame is just not okay.

I know that people grow up and college can end an era. I know that when you become an adult, friendships became harder to maintain. But that doesn't mean it's not worth it. And when someone is willing to put in the effort, but the other person isn't, it's tragic and leaves extravagant damage in its wake, like a tornado you can't see. Then, one person gets to move on like nothing has changed, and the other is left standing there stunned, unsure of where to go next or how to move forward and how to even begin to pick up the pieces. That is just not okay.

I'm learning that I don't always get to see change coming. And that puts fear deep into my soul, leaving it open to wreak havoc and tear me apart from the inside out. Lately, too, it seems that the change has been more bad than good. And I'm caught up in this battle of trying to overcome it and be fearless but also allowing myself to feel emotions that are completely justified considering the situations. This apparent loss of a friendship I thought was for good is putting my desire for fearlessness to the test. I want to be fearless. But right now I'm terrified that I won't get my dear friend back. It feels like my heart is owned by other people. And that loss of power, to me, is just not okay.

None of this is okay. But it is what it is. I don't know if it will change or what things will look like months or years from now. And I really don't like that. Because it scares me in my bones. But I have to trust that God knows what is coming and that the healing of this pain will end one day, whether it be because things go back to the way they used to be or I just manage to find peace with the new status of things. This is a chance for me to be fearless, and to believe that God is picking up the pieces of my heart that feel lost and taken from me.

I am not okay with this. Nothing about this is okay. But I will be.

I have to believe that.

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