I've been doing a much better job lately at learning how to direct my emotions into something productive.
I feel things very intensely. I always have, and I probably always will. That's just a part of who I am.
But I'm learning how to take those strong, intense emotions and pour them into positive things instead of wasting my mental and emotional energy on negative things that I can't change. It's like I have a Siri, finding an alternative path when she realizes I'm about to drive into a lake. I'm just rerouting my emotions instead of a car.
For example, instead of being caught up feeling devastated or furious about having another friend abandon me over a mistake I made, a friend I never could have predicted I'd be okay with losing, I'm making the choice to focus my love and my heart on the friends who have stuck by me, the ones who have a grasp on what forgiveness means. Really, ever since I started making friends at Campbell, anytime I lost someone, I would get so caught up in that that I would lose sight of the incredible people I still had. That was a disservice to them and, frankly, horribly destructive to my mental health.
I don't get it right all the time. It's definitely a learning process I'm still very much deep in the middle of, but it's a huge improvement over how I have been for a long time. I have so much going on right now that I've accepted that I don't have the capacity to waste brain power, mental strength, or heart on negativity and people and things that ultimately just add more stress to my life.
Coming up with my "One Word" choices has, surprisingly, never been difficult for me. I say "surprisingly" because you would think deciding on one word would be difficult for someone as indecisive as me. But year after year, the word just pops in my head before the end of the year and I instinctively know that's what it needs to be. Thanks, God.
This year was no different. When looking back on 2016, I realized that I hadn't been taking good care of myself. I'd been going through the motions, working day by day with a constant running to-do list in my head, thinking more about what had to be done instead of how to make sure I was strong enough to get everything done well. In hindsight, it's no wonder I was so exhausted. So when this year's word came to my mind, it made perfect sense.
Beyond that, though, one recurring theme of my therapy sessions, especially in the past couple of months, is how I am absolutely terrible at putting myself or any of my needs before those of the people around me. I'm not saying I want to become this selfish, inconsiderate person in 2017, but I'm realizing that part of taking care of myself is learning when my wellbeing needs to be more of a priority than my desire to take care of everyone else around me. Too often I catch myself feeling worn down because what I need and want has been overshadowed by what I've convinced myself I have to do for someone else. Being selfless is a good thing, but not when it comes at the expense of your own mental and emotional health. I need to find a balance between taking care of everyone else, like is my nature, and taking care of myself, too.
So then, I started thinking about the ways in which I wanted to take better care of myself, and the more I thought about it, the more it came down to two separate areas: emotional/spiritual health, and physical health.
I mentioned the former in my Year in Review post. One of my major goals of this year is to teach myself the discipline of daily Bible reading. I have been a fraud in that area, to be honest, and I realized that it's because the Bible just overwhelms me. But I have the Seamless study from Angie Smith that I'm going to start with, and try my very best to get into a pattern of truly seeking the Lord and growing in my relationship with Him. I know that that is the best healing that I can possibly find. I remember the first time that I had lunch with Reafe. We were talking about the bullying I had experienced in the past and he straight out said to me, "Are you close to God? Because if you're close to God, if you read the Bible, what everyone else says won't matter. You won't care." Well, it's taken me three years, so I'd say it's long past time I do something about it.
Second is my physical health. The past couple months, I've been getting better about portion control, so I've slowly been losing weight, which has been encouraging. (I think it may also be related to the fact that I've been taken off a couple of my medications.) But because my seizures were such a mess while I was still in New York and it was too physically difficult and dangerous there, and I've been so exhausted and slightly depressed since I got back to NC, I haven't been attempting any exercise. That's going to change, too. I'm just going to walk around my neighborhood, something simple but still exercise, free, that will get me in fresh air. And I also cut out soda as of yesterday. I'd been drinking a lot of ginger ale in New York and Coke since I got back to NC; no more. I'm not going to set up goals of "I want to lose x pounds by the end of the year" because I'm such a perfectionist that I'll feel really defeated if it doesn't happen at the rate necessary to reach that goal. I'm just going to start with these goals and see where that leads.
So I don't know if you could tell, but my One Word for 2017 is
From the very beginning of this year, I knew that I wanted to learn how to become content with my singleness. That's the major reason for my One Word choice for 2016. Back at the beginning of January, I said this:
But most of all, I want my heart to get completely lost in God this year. I want to live my days fully believing that God is enough for my peace and contentment and joy, where I am centered and resting in God's love and truth and promises and not standing on the shaking ground of what other people say about me and my worth.
Truth be told, I've kind of forgotten about these goals that I had made for this year. I've been caught up in still wishing I could meet someone. I've joined two dating apps in the past couple of months, telling myself (and others) that it was just because I wanted to meet new people and get out and have a life, and while that's partially true, it's also because you know, everyone says "oh that's how everyone's finding relationships nowadays" and I want it to include me. I've been on a few dates since I started, and they've been good, one recently was REALLY good, but they just leave me wanting more. Surprise surprise, what I thought was missing, what I thought I need to do, didn't make me happy enough. Go figure.
There's a wonderful girl that I know through my trip to Texas named Catie. Over the past year and a half, I've witnessed (via social media) her go from single to engaged to married. Last weekend, she posted something on Instagram. Knowing what I do of her story, it really encouraged me to see her so happy, and I told her that. After a few comments, I asked her if I could send her an email elaborating on how I was feeling, and her response hit me straight in the heart in the best possible way. I could copy and paste the entire email here, but that might be a bit long. These are the pieces that stood out.
God knows your heart, He knows those desires and He wants to honor that by possibly one day providing you those desires, but He is also a JEALOUS God who deeply desires (just like you and I desire) an intimate, tender, precious relationship with you... to sanctify you and make you holy and blameless, to love you deeper than you could've ever imagined or dreamed of.
The creator of the universe, lover of our soul.. says we're beautiful, more precious than rubies and gold, ABSOLUTELY HIS CHERISHED WORKS OF ART.
...the Lord of all things pure and holy finds you worthy of a relationship with Him.
...I had to be honest with myself, and know that even if God never provides me a husband or a sweet baby, HE IS SO SWEET AND GRACIOUS TO ME BECAUSE I GET TO BE HIS DAUGHTER.
Fall in love with Jesus, He is so worth it. He created you to fulfill your every need and desire. Let Him fill your need with just His grace and love alone. And stop letting Satan lie to you, Mal. You ARE beautiful! We must stop looking to the world and to boys and whoever else to feel pretty.
I really do want you to KNOW (not simply feel) but with all your being no matter who says otherwise, that you ARE wanted, that you ARE beautiful. And also remember that His life is His love story to you.
His life is His love story to you. That probably stood out more to me than anything. I've been waiting for a love story to sweep me off my feet, when I have the greatest love story of all of a King who found me worthy of giving his life to save. ("In the eyes of the Lord God, you are loved, and you are worth dying for." - Jon Jorgenson) I've been waiting for a guy to love me when I have a God who loves me beyond all comprehension, infinitely more than another broken human being ever could, even one that does feel like my Prince Charming. I've been waiting for a relationship to make me happy, when happiness is fleeting and the true joy I need to make it through this life comes through a relationship with the One who created me, who knows and loves me more intimately and deeply than I could ever dream of asking for.
God needs to be enough for me. I need to have joy even if God wills it not to bring me the husband and kids that I've desired for as long as I can remember. I need to have contentment in the idea of just having God...but right now, I don't. I want to be, though; I so desperately want to be. I hate this feeling of thinking that I'm not lovable or wanted or whatever simply because I don't get a lot of attention or validation from guys. The only way I know how to put it is that it seems that my mind and heart have been so caught up in what I want for my future that I'm making myself more important than God and His plans for my life, despite how many times He has proven that His plans are so much better than mine. I'm so thankful for the Lord's willingness to forgive me for this.
Lord, I love you. Help me grow ever closer to You this year and, as Catie said, faceplant in the truth that I am loved and beautiful and your cherished masterpiece.
I want to be seen without being obscene. I want to be special without being a spectacle. I want to be pretty without being promiscuous. I want to be safe without being sheltered, intelligent without being intimidating, nice without being naive, and fun without being a flirt. I want to be accepted without being expected. I want to be invited without being indicted. I want to belong without losing myself. I want to be strong without being controlling, and allowed to be weak without being a cliche. I want to be challenged without being pitied. I want to be kind without being a pushover. I want to be stylish without being spoiled, joyful without being fake, and heard without being fixed. I want to be honest without being rude. I want to be patient without being indecisive. I want to be simple without being plain, and sassy without being, well, you know... I want to question without being judged, and I want to answer without judging. I want to be loved without needing everyone to like me. I want to be funny without being told I'm not allowed to be. I want to be whole, even though, at times, I've been shattered to pieces. I want to be held without being confined. I want to be cared for without being controlled. I want to be chosen without being claimed, and I want to be clear when I say, "Enough is enough." I want to know my identity without having to adopt someone else's. I want to see myself without the filters of what everyone tells me I should be. I want to be comfortable in my own skin without feeling that I need to show it, and without feeling shamed when I don't hide enough of it. I want to feel beautiful without anyone telling me whether it's right or wrong to want that. I want to be amazing, and I want someone other than myself to remind me that I am. I want to be captivating, because that's how I was made to be. (I want to be seen without being obscene. I want to be special without being a spectacle. I want to be pretty without being promiscuous. I want to be safe without being sheltered, intelligent without being intimidating, nice without being naive, and fun without being a flirt.) I want to be seen without being obscene.
---
There's nothing like crying at 1 am because the words of a video hit you straight in the gut, is there? That's what happened to me when Jon released this last night. Why? Because this video, these words, they're exactly what I meant when I chose enough as my One Word for this year, and I didn't even realize it.
I just want to be enough. I want to be enough for people to love me. I want to be accepted just as I am without feeling like I have to try to get people to like me. That's why things worked out with my soccer boys so well; they were the first people in my life who never, not for one second, made me feel like I had to be anyone other than exactly who I was. They saw me - like, actually saw me - and without saying a word, told me that I was enough by deciding to love me when I wasn't even sure I wanted them to.
I know that. Please don't think that I don't know how much those boys love me. I do. I have a ball sitting on my desk every day to remind me that I have a whole crew of brothers with me. But after some things that have happened in the past year, there have been these voices ricocheting around inside my head trying to convince me that I wasn't enough for the people who left and that the people who are here now are going to decide I'm not enough for them, either. It's a constant battle for me to shut those thoughts down and believe that the ones who tell me they love me are telling me the truth, no matter what lies I've been told from other people. I want to believe that the way that I love people is enough, that it's not some curse dooming me to a life of those around me deciding that somehow I'm simultaneously too much to deal with and not enough to be their friend.
I want to believe that I am captivating as I was made to be and that my shattered pieces sown back together are enough to hold the relationships that I crave. I want to believe my friends when they tell me I'm amazing. I want my love for people to be enough to earn me respect without making me an easy target to be taken advantage of. I want to be seen without having to try so hard all the time. I want to believe that I am enough to be loved and accepted.
I know in my gut that I am wanted. I have people in my life who have loved me better than I could have ever imagined and taught me more about God than any church service I've ever been to. I just want to believe that I am wanted, so I can stop letting the voices of the lies I've been told gain control over my sanity. Knowing something and believing it are two very different things.
But there's something else Jon said in a previous video that actually fits perfectly here. It's from "The 4 Identity Myths":
So our decision today is: whose voice are you going to listen to? Are you going to listen to the voices of the world that are dead set on convincing you that you're not enough, or are you going to listen to the voice of God who continually tells us in His Word, through prayer, through worship, through community, and mostly through His Son Jesus, that in Him and in a relationship with Christ, He makes us enough?
Unfortunately, the world is never going to completely get it. We're broken people surrounded by other broken people who hold on tighter to the hurt than remembering what it feels like to be happy and loved, because negative voices are almost always much louder than the voices of truth.
A man's ego and pride will have him running through a red light. A woman's fears and insecurities will have her stopping at a green one. We're all so used to the bullshit and games that we don't even know how to genuinely connect with one another anymore. She got played so now she avoids getting close. He got played so now all he does is play games. We're more concerned with how we got hurt than we are with how to be happy. The only thing most are learning from the pain is more excuses. And some of us could be so great for one another if we'd just "man up" and face things. Love isn't hard. People are just difficult. - Rob Hills, Sr.
A friend of mine posted that on Facebook yesterday. Humans, we're difficult creatures. We're difficult to love people and we're difficult to let ourselves be loved. One other thing that struck me about that video last night is the variety of people featured in it. I know I'm not the only with the feelings and fears I'm talking about here. But I think we're all so ashamed and afraid of being judged that we keep this stuff to ourselves when, in reality, so many of us are just dying to hear that someone else gets it, that we're not dramatic or crazy or overreacting. Imagine the freedom that we could find if we all just stopped playing games and told the truth about what is in our heads and hearts.
I think we all want to be loved and accepted and seen as enough so desperately that we forget the truth: We are not the opinion of the people who don't know us. We are not the opinion of the people who hurt us. We are not even the opinion of the people who love us. Our worth is found in who God says we are. We are masterpieces, created in the image of a perfect Father who makes nothing less than beauty. We are sons and daughters of the King. We are princes and princesses.
We are already enough.
"The single desire that dominated my search for delight was simply to love and be loved." - St. Augustine
The older I've gotten, the more I've struggled to be content with my singleness. I sit and watch so many of my friends not just find solid, longlasting relationships, but then get engaged and married, and I have this almost constant underlying nagging feeling that I'm missing something. I have all of these amazing brothers who aren't shy in the least about telling me all of my amazing qualities and all the things they love about me, and while it's flattering, I can't stop thinking, "If I'm so awesome, why does no guy actually want to date me? Why am I always the sister?" It's ridiculous, I know, and I repeatedly tell myself that, but it's the truth.
The irony about all of this is that on top of the discontentment, I also struggle with believing that I am worthy of somebody wanting me romantically. I see my girlfriends, and I get overwhelmed with the feeling that I'm not special enough or different enough or cool enough or pretty enough or ___ enough to stand out amongst these girls who seem to have so much more going for them than I do. So I walk around wanting what I don't have but simultaneously believing that I'm not capable of or worth having it.
I want to stop this. I want 2016 to be the year that my perspective on this changes.
I want to stop seeing myself in such a poor light.
I want to look in the mirror and be able to believe myself when I say "I am beautiful."
I want to believe I'm worthy of being wooed and adored and pursued and loved.
I want to believe and focus on the truths of who God says I am and who God sees me as over the voices of this world who constantly say that I'm missing something.
I want to learn how to walk confidently out the door with the security of knowing that my self-esteem isn't reliant on what guys, or anyone, say to me.
But most of all, I want my heart to get completely lost in God this year. I want to live my days fully believing that God is enough for my peace and contentment and joy, where I am centered and resting in God's love and truth and promises and not standing on the shaking ground of what other people say about me and my worth.
There's nothing quite like the feeling of realizing that you were wrong about someone you love. That you invested your whole heart in a relationship with someone who was willing to disregard it and you on a whim. That you let your guard down because you believed you were safe and then it suddenly became obvious you were very, very wrong.
I've never been good at letting go without closure. I think that's at least part of the reason why it took me so long to say goodbye to Landon. And now there's this person whom I believed would be in my life forever, and instead they've cut me out of their life without so much as a hint of an explanation. In fact, the very last thing I heard was that everything was fine....except then it wasn't.
And I don't know what to do. I've tried reaching out, on many occasions, and there's nothing but dead silence. It feels as if I no longer exist to this person. And it hurts. Because this person was someone who, for more than three years, knew everything about me and my life. They were there for everything. We planned on being friends for life. They talked about being at my wedding. I never wanted to imagine my life without them in it, and I never thought I'd have to. Until now. That is just not okay.
I never really believed that only romantic relationships could break your heart. Mainly because I've been in situations where it felt like my heart was so shattered even the finest sculptor couldn't put it back together. And while I don't think I'm quite there with this person and relationship yet, because there's been no real painful conversation or action to do the shattering, but the dead silence feels pretty damn close to heartbreak. That is just not okay.
It's just not okay, you know? It's not okay to leave someone after four years without so much as a goodbye or an explanation. It's not okay to know someone's strongest insecurities and fears and do exactly what you know they're terrified of, especially when you promised them you never would. It's not okay to run without a word, like a teenager sneaking out in the dark of night hoping no one would notice. Because someone always notices. It's just not okay.
Why do people disregard others' feelings so easily? Why are friendships so easily replaceable even when it's something both people have sworn was unlike anything they'd ever had? Why is the one left behind supposed to accept the end without reason or care for their feelings? Why does one person get to call all the shots and take someone else and step on them, and the one stepped on is just supposed to let it happen and move on? All of that is just not okay.
It doesn't matter so much what the reason is. I just want a reason. I want to know what went wrong so I can get out of my head feeling like I somehow screwed things up without even knowing. I just want a conversation. And I don't think it's too much to ask to have a conversation with someone I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to until it was too late. Leaving someone to feel as though they need to own the blame is just not okay.
I know that people grow up and college can end an era. I know that when you become an adult, friendships became harder to maintain. But that doesn't mean it's not worth it. And when someone is willing to put in the effort, but the other person isn't, it's tragic and leaves extravagant damage in its wake, like a tornado you can't see. Then, one person gets to move on like nothing has changed, and the other is left standing there stunned, unsure of where to go next or how to move forward and how to even begin to pick up the pieces. That is just not okay.
I'm learning that I don't always get to see change coming. And that puts fear deep into my soul, leaving it open to wreak havoc and tear me apart from the inside out. Lately, too, it seems that the change has been more bad than good. And I'm caught up in this battle of trying to overcome it and be fearless but also allowing myself to feel emotions that are completely justified considering the situations. This apparent loss of a friendship I thought was for good is putting my desire for fearlessness to the test. I want to be fearless. But right now I'm terrified that I won't get my dear friend back. It feels like my heart is owned by other people. And that loss of power, to me, is just not okay.
None of this is okay. But it is what it is. I don't know if it will change or what things will look like months or years from now. And I really don't like that. Because it scares me in my bones. But I have to trust that God knows what is coming and that the healing of this pain will end one day, whether it be because things go back to the way they used to be or I just manage to find peace with the new status of things. This is a chance for me to be fearless, and to believe that God is picking up the pieces of my heart that feel lost and taken from me.
I am not okay with this. Nothing about this is okay. But I will be.
This is just another aspect of my One Word, at least in my eyes. I'm tired of being afraid to look in the mirror, for fear of how disgusted I'll be. I'm tired of being afraid of people looking at me, especially considering that fear is largely unwarranted. I'm tired of being afraid of what a confident me would look like.
I spend so much time focusing on taking care of other people, investing in other people, that I think I kind of forgot what it's like to invest in myself. To invest in resting my spirit in the arms of the Father. I love a lot about my personality, but I have to learn how to love my body, too. Because when I do, and when I see myself as the beautiful creation God made, no other opinion will matter.
Knowing something is true and believing it is true are so very different. I know that God sees me as beautiful, but I don't believe that I am beautiful. This year, I pray that God teaches me to believe that I am beautiful, so much so that I believe with all of my heart and soul. This life is too precious and too fragile to spend it disliking my body anymore.
When I was writing my Year in Review post, I kept thinking about the worry I had felt over paying for school, and how silly I feel now that, once again, God showed up and worked everything out. That got me thinking about Jon and the Anima Series' video "What Are You Afraid Of?" I wrote a post about it at the beginning of 2014, so I was also thinking about that, as well as my interview with Jon in August and what he said was the inspiration for that poem.
What room does fear have when I make room for love? That is the central question in Jon's poem. God is love. So what room do I have for fear if I am completely consumed by the love of my Father? And as he said in his interview, every good and positive thing that you could think might be the opposite of fear, Scripture tells us either that God is it or God provides it. So seriously, why bother being afraid? We have the ultimate, unbeatable weapon against it.
And then there's the fact that "do not be afraid" is in the Bible somewhere in the neighborhood of 365 times. Like any good parent, God seems to like repeating things when it's a lesson He really wants His kids to get. So, I'm just guessing, but perhaps maybe I need to stop being so afraid every time I think the plans I had for myself aren't going to work out. Because God's plan really is way better, and I know that if things don't go the way I wanted, like if I had ended up having to take this semester off, there has to be something so incredibly awesome in store that I can't see. It certainly turned out that way when I ended up at Campbell instead of William & Mary, my original first choice for college, didn't it?
I can only see the step right in front of me. God has all of eternity laid out before Him. I want to remember that in this new year.
I want to grow in my trust that God's plans are greater and better than mine and not be so caught up in thinking that I have to know what's going to happen.
I want to relinquish the death grip I tend to have on the planning and the details and accept the fact that I can't plan everything.
When I don't know what's going to come next, I want to step forward in faith that the God who has never left me nor forsaken me isn't going to leave my side now.
I want to stop being afraid of the unknown and rest in what is known: My Father is in control. He is good. He is faithful. And He loves me more than I could ever begin to picture.
I'm tired of fear. I'm tired of worry. I'm taking my peace of mind back. That's why my One Word for 2015 is
I put off writing this post until now for a few reasons, despite the fact that I've known what my word was going to be for several days: I've been waiting on my button to get done (I'm going ahead and posting it because it'll apparently be a little while), I haven't had the energy to sit down and write about this in the past few days, and considering what my word is it seemed appropriate to write about this today when I'm (finally!) back at Campbell and also about to dive headfirst into a crazy busy and emotional few months.
This is from the post I wrote on the 1st, and it's what helped me to choose my word for the year.
This year has a lot in store. My last semester, finishing up everything from last semester, grad school applications, deciding where I'll be spending the next two years of my life, graduation, and then adjusting to life as an adult out of my Campbell bubble. I don't know what God's going to do with me in all of this. What I do know is that if there's any time that I need to find rest, this is it. I won't survive this year without it.
I wasn't intending on writing that when I started, but the best things are often surprises. I also didn't know what my One Word was going to be until I wrote that section. Immediately after that, it just jumped out at me. My One Word for 2014 is
If I thought my life was complicated before, it's about to hit epic proportions. Everything I know is going to change. I'll simultaneously be getting what I've dreamed of for years, which is to get out of North Carolina (hopefully I won't be stuck at State for grad school) and out on my own not tied to my family, and getting rid of everything that has felt normal to me for a very long time. My entire family, even extended members, are freaking out about me moving away because of all my health issues and especially because of how crazy everything was last semester, and that's lately been rubbing off on me and really making me freak out, too, as everything gets closer. And speaking of health issues, everyone is convinced that my seizures the past few months were from stress, which is another reason why rest is so important.
It's not even rest in a physical sense, because Lord knows that with everything going on, I'm not going to have extra time for that. It's mental rest that I need. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to describe exactly what I envision this looking like, but here's what it means to me right now.
The rest I seek is about turning to God when I feel myself hitting panic mode. It's about picking up my Bible to find solace sometimes instead of always picking up the phone or computer to contact a friend. It's about learning who God is on a deeper level so I understand where my peace comes from. It's about my continual struggle in letting go of control. It's about trusting that He has the details of my future already worked out for my benefit. It's about stepping back and letting Him lead me instead of always trying to lead myself.
God is the only rock that I can rely on. I know it, but I have an awful time acting like I know it. (That makes me think of an interesting discussion I was having with a friend on words vs. actions, but that will have to be another post.) A strong relationship with Him, a solid trust in who He is and what He will do for the children He loves so desperately, those are the things that will give me the foundation and the peace to get through this crazy but exciting year. This isn't about what I can or will do, though. It's about the strength of my Father who will take any measures necessary to hold on to me.
I need God in a completely new way this year, and I want to rest in the fact that He and I both know that I am already His, so everything else is secondary.
It's really awful when you catch yourself missing someone whom you know was never anything but bad news.
There I was, sitting on the beach in the late afternoon sun, listening to the waves crash and feeling the wind blow. I was the most relaxed I've been in quite some time. It felt like a pretty perfect scenario...
Until I remembered.
I remembered a story he told me once, about how he had seen me on that very beach, laughing and playing in the water. How he wanted to run up and grab me but knew he couldn't. How he hated that I was so close but still unreachable.
And for the first time in the more than eight months since I told him to get out of my life and never come back, I caught myself wanting to call him. To see how he is. To see if he's better, more put together, grown up at all. Even as those thoughts raced across my mind, I knew it was crazy, I knew I couldn't contact him...but I also couldn't stop myself from missing him.
Why? Why would I bother missing someone who spent years playing with my heart and abusing the feelings he knew I had for him? Why would I want to talk to someone who knew I was willing to risk everything for him and used that to try to break me?
I miss the person I believed with every piece of my heart that he was until I found out the truth. I miss the feeling of security that washed over me every time we talked. I miss feeling free to say whatever was on my mind, that feeling that let me tell him things that no one else - not even Matt - had ever heard. I miss feeling wanted, in a way that no other guy has ever wanted me. I miss how safe I felt with him.
If that guy were real, I believe something beautiful could have happened, but he's not. That guy is only the picture he created to get me to fall for him way too hard. The real him used my feelings to try to destroy some of my most valued relationships. The real him disappeared just when I thought things were okay. The real him left me wondering if any of the past 3 years had been the truth.
That would be what I'd say if I could talk to him again, if I had run into him on that same beach this afternoon. Why? Why would he put 3 years into fabricating a friendship with me for nothing but his own twisted pleasure? Why did he have to use me like that, couldn't he have found some other way to reach the end he sought that didn't involve stringing me along and breaking my heart? Was any of it real? Did he ever love me like he said he did? Were any of the countless sweet things he said to me during those late nights the truth? Or was I just a toy that he could use to torment someone very close to me, because he knew that in my heart I had already picked him over her?
But those questions are all just going to have to fade away because I can't reopen that wound. I've cried too many tears over him as it is. His presence in my life did nothing but create damage and heartbreak, and that's not what you keep around. I risked destroying, beyond repair, a relationship that I can't ever totally escape, and he told me it was all a joke to him as soon as I was about to really choose him. I may miss him, or at least the person he had me believing he was, but I know myself well enough to know that one conversation will plunge me back into that whirlpool of drama. So I can't. An attempt at closure would do exponentially more harm than good. I have to sit with these questions and pray that one day I'll forget these feelings that resurfaced on a simple summer day. Maybe one day thinking about him won't hurt.
The girl who usually never lets go until she gets closure is finally learning to let go without it.
Release...my One Word taking on a meaning I never expected it to.
On a lighter note, here are the beach pictures from Sunday. I forgot to upload them. This is at a different beach than the one Mom and I went to today...hence the sudden onslaught of memories.
I also like music. Also not a secret. You know what music has that most regular speech doesn't? Rhythm.
I love writing, but one thing I've never been good at writing is poetry. So instead, I listen to other people's poetry because sometimes, I hear somebody say something that mirrors exactly what is going on in my heart, something I couldn't find the words to say, and even if I could, it wouldn't sound as good as what I heard.
I've mentioned a guy named Jeff Bethke before. He got famous from a spoken word poem he wrote that went viral on YouTube. I didn't know what spoken word poetry was until I ran into his work, but I sort of fell in love with it. It combines two things I love very much: it's poetry, so it's made up of words, but it also has a music-like rhythm to it that regular poetry doesn't have. Well, through Jeff's YouTube channel, I found out about a guy named Nick Vitellaro, and I watched the two spoken word poem videos that he has online.
Now, y'all know me. When I find something I like, whether it be a show, or a song/band, or a writer, I tend to latch onto it and listen to it over and over and over again and somehow never get tired of it. I've watched Nick's two videos so many times in the past few days I've already lost count. Call me weird if you must, I'm used to it with this habit of mine, but trust me, it's worth it. Nick's poetry is just that good. It's that powerful.
This first one is called "Sincerely Freedom". It's actually a story of pornography and sex addiction, and while that specific aspect isn't something I can relate to, there's one section in particular that hit me hard. It's something I think everyone can relate to, so I suggest you watch the full thing.
5:05 to 5:38 says this: "And I'll be honest, I don't have a twelve-step program, an informative pamphlet, or strategic plan. I have no Visine or vaccine to help you see past your past, but let me pass you what I do have. I have a Savior. His compassion's new every day. His faithfulness stays. He made a way out of no way, turned my darkness into day. The sacrifice made, our ransom paid, he took our place. Blood poured down his face as he replaced our disgrace with his grace. Buried for three days, but death could not contain! He left death in his grave! DEATH DIED THAT DAY!"
Most of us don't have a sex or pornography addiction. But what most of us, if not all of us, do have is something in our past that is tying us down. It consumes us, it becomes our identity, and we feel like we'll never escape the control it has over our hearts and minds. I know that, for me, that "thing" was my health issues. They consumed my thoughts every second. They were pretty much all I talked about. They were who I was. I was "the sick girl".....and then I found Jesus. I found the identity he had waiting for me, the one of God's daughter, of redemption, of miracles, of grace and mercy and the power to tell people how He saved me. Jesus died so that I could be released from the grasp that the enemy had on my life and my person. Now, I still have health issues, but they are just a piece of my story, a piece that has been redeemed more beautifully than I could have ever imagined, a piece that I can use to show people the love of the Father.
The second is called "The Lost Sheep." This was me. I was the sheep Jesus left the flock to find. I am amazed I haven't cried at how intensely I see my life story in this poem.
There were several quotes that jumped out at me with this one, which is funny since it's a lot shorter than the first video.
0:49-1:03: "But my weakness, my brokenness, was so much more real to me than the God these pastors claimed could set this sheep free. 'Cause where was this Shepherd? Where was his flock? Why haven't any of them tried to meet me in the darkness where I walk?"
Yeah...that about sums up my teenage years. Countless Christian voices in my ears telling me of the God that loved me at my worst, but I didn't feel Him. I didn't see Him. I didn't see any of His people, whom I knew were supposed to be the hands and feet of Christ, try to meet me where I was and walk with me through it. All I got were trite Christian phrases that meant nothing to me in my pain, until even they said I wasn't worth it and kicked me out.
1:25-1:38: "So like John Lennon, I imagined the Savior I wanted to see, but like Paul McCartney, I was scared, so I just let it be. Drivin' around pimpin' in my yellow submarine, all the while screaming, 'Help! I need somebody.'"
First off, I appreciate anyone who can fit that many Beatles references into 14 seconds. ;) Second, I remember how good I got when I went through those six brain surgeries in 2009 at making everyone around me believe that I was fine, that I was handling the struggles in my life just fine, while I was actually screaming on the inside, "HELP! I need somebody." My mom couldn't help me. My family couldn't help me. Friends couldn't help me. The doctors couldn't stop problem after problem from wreaking havoc on my body. I was so blinded by my anger and pain that I couldn't possibly believe that God was helping me. All I knew at the time was that I wanted to be rescued from the nightmare I was caught in.
1:58-2:10: "But see, you can't stargaze at the King of days without seeing the sun rays. So when I heard that the Son raised on the third day, I realized that I was the sheep that was never even lost in the first place."
After I found Christ and started pursuing him, chasing after him with all the breath in my lungs, I realized that I was never out of God's sight. Even when I hated Him, when I blamed Him for everything wrong in my life, He still kept an eye on me and watched my life and protected me from so many things that could have ended the life He had designed for me. He never left. I learned that part of His unconditional love means that He even loves the ones who don't love Him.
2:32-3:00: "Because my God is like Muhammad Ali in the ring, with the grace of a butterfly and the sovereignty of a King. He dodges every cold, fatal sting of death with the very same breath that put life inside my chest. So if you call the Gospel trash, then I guess you have grasped the message, 'cause my God dumpster dives head first into wreckage. He transforms recycled sinners into His very own reflection, so you can call Him a garbageman, 'cause He turned my mess into a message."
John 10:10 says "I have come so that you may have life, and have it to the fullest." My God is the kind of God that lives by the mantra "Go big or go home." He's not just okay with fixing one part of my life; He insisted on radically transforming every piece of my existence, right down to the core of who I was and who I saw myself as. To human eyes and ears, my story is ugly. It's full of pain and anger and depression and doubt and fear. I know, because that's how I used to view my life. But that's not the way God sees it or me. God sees redemption, God sees brokenness made whole, God sees miracles, God sees grace and countless second chances and a story of a very broken little girl who came to life in the love and grace He had waiting for me all along. And now I get to share this story with anyone and everyone who will listen.
3:12-3:18: "So praise the Lord, praise the Lord, come on, PRAISE THE LORD! 'Cause His pursuit after you is relentless."
And in that, I see the story of my life leading up to my baptism. There were so many events before April 5, 2012, where I refused to recognize His presence in my life because I was scared, because I didn't want to give in. But then He broke me. And I praise Him for that every day, because my baptism was the start of the coolest ride I have ever experienced, and I wouldn't be where I am today or the person I am today, or have the story I do today if He hadn't chosen to keep pursuing me. He never gave up. Praise the Lord!
I love the Internet. I love how I can come across the work of a guy I've never met, a guy who doesn't know me or my story at all, and somehow the words he wrote long before I ever knew he existed reflect my life and the struggles I face every day. These two videos are a wonderful reminder to keep running on the path that God has laid out for me. They're a reminder of my One Word, to keep seeking Him to help me release the demons of my past that still try to tie me down and hold me back from the John 10:10 life He wants for me.
The freedom I seek and desire can only be found in Him, so I'm gonna keep chasing after the Lord whose protection and love and grace over my life never quits.
The old me would've said that picking one word to focus on for a year is stupid and pointless and not going to change anything.
The old me would've also had a very hard time picking just one word. (Three cheers for indecisiveness!)
But then that me decided to do it, anyway, a couple of years ago basically because I was desperate for help from God and this was as good of an idea as any that I had, and my whole world got flipped upside down. My mind was completely blown at the end of 2011 and 2012 as I looked back and realized that the word I had chosen for that year actually reflected the year's events.
My word for 2011 was peace, and my end of the year recap describes pretty well just how that changed my perspective and my life. In complete (and totally unintentional) contrast to that, my word for 2012 was warrior, and with my baptism and the evidence on this blog of how much I grew in my faith during that year, I'd say that was just as effective as peace was.
So with that knowledge in mind, of course I wasn't going to miss out on the chance to see what one word could do for 2013. However, to be quite honest, I completely forgot about it until New Year's Eve, and I spent the next 24 hours wondering what my word would be. Then, I sat down and wrote last night's blog post, and this line came out:
"God, whatever You've got planned for me, I want it. All of it. The good and the bad, because You make beauty out of all of it."
I didn't start out writing that post expecting to say that, but I've learned that sometimes the best things are the ones you just stumble upon. And with that line, I finally realized that I am to the point where I am ready and willing to do something that God has been trying to get me to do for pretty much my entire life. I am letting go.
I'm releasing all of the stress, fear, burdens, everything that God wants to take from me that I've been too scared to let go of. I know He is ultimately in control, so it's long past time I put myself second and let Him work without interference. He's got me, I know that much.
I'm releasing myself from the problems of this world that seek to tie me down and keep me from living my life. This world is not my home. The people I love, even the ones who have hurt me, still matter, but they are not everything to me anymore. They are not where my security or my self-worth lies. I know where my home is and where my heart lies; all of this is just biding time until I get there.
I'm releasing myself from expectations, the ones I've put on myself as well as the ones others have put on me, on being a Christian, a daughter, a sister, a friend, all of it. All that matters to me now, or at least all that I want to matter to me, is the knowledge that God knows my heart and knows that I'm doing my best. It reminds me of when Chris told me to just stop trying.
I'm releasing the grip I've had on the people that I love and was scared absolutely terrified to lose, people like my best friend Ryann who is moving back to California as soon as she graduates in May, because none of them were mine to keep in the first place.
Figure it out yet? My word for 2013 is:
I can't wait to see what God is going to do with me this year. I hope you'll stick around for the ride, because I just know it's going to be worth it. I'm excited to have another year to document what I'm learning about God and about pursuing a relationship with Christ here on this blog.
Considering the extreme effects choosing my One Word last year had on my life, I knew that I absolutely wanted to choose a word for this year. I actually started thinking about it about a month ago because I wanted to be sure that I picked the right word.
From the beginning, one word was sticking out in my head. Seems simple, right? Heh, well, factor in my intense indecisiveness, and you have me second-guessing myself every single time I started to feel confident about my choice. This has been happening practically every day since I started thinking of this word.
But this "new me" is determined to place all of my trust in God, even when I'm nervous and anxious to do so. And I'd be a fool to ignore this crystal clear message. I need y'all to help keep me accountable on what I'm about to set out to do.
My word for 2012 is
WARRIOR.
I know, it's basically the polar opposite of my 2011 Word "peace." But here's my explanation...
To me, a warrior is someone who is brave, even when they're facing dangerous tasks.
A warrior is someone who risks it all for the people they love.
A warrior is at the top of their game in order to best serve those to whom they have devoted themselves.
This year, I want to become a warrior for Christ.
I want to be brave enough to shout of His love from the moutaintops. I want to face the enemy whenever he may appear in my life or the lives of my loved ones with the confidence that I have the strength of the Lord behind me. I want to battle for the salvation of the people whom I know need God so badly, people who could begin to heal if they surrendered themselves to His love. I want to shine the unending love and grace of my Father to every single person that I encounter so strongly that they know Whose I am, without question.
In conjunction with this, warriors are in top form in every sense: mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. This year is the year that I stop messing around with this whole losing weight idea and actually do it. I cannot do the work He may ask of me in this kind of shape. My body is meant to be a sanctuary, and I have not been honoring him in this area. My health is finally under control, and I must take advantage of that, because I don't know how long things will stay this way. It's long past time I quit hiding behind excuses and find the confidence in myself that I can do this because He will give me the strength.
I want to know my God like I never have before. I want to devote myself to Him completely, giving my whole heart to the One who has sustained my life through unimaginable odds.
I'm armed, I'm all in on this, I'm ready to go.
The battle starts now.
1 Timothy 6:12 "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."
Ephesians 6:10-18 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this darkworld and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."
I should've posted about this long before now, but better late than never, right?
Chances are, by now, you've heard about the "One Word" thing that's spread like wildfire. If you haven't, here's the gist: instead of New Year's Resolutions, you pick one word that will be your focus/goal for the year. I didn't do this last year, but this year, I knew exactly what my word would be. It's simple, and probably chosen by a lot of people, but it's perfect for me in this year. My One Word for 2011 is
Peace.
Back around New Year's Day, I decided to make 2011 the year that I would find the peace that I have been so desperately searching for for years. Since January of 2007, I have felt that my life has been one constant battle, both with my family and my health. Constantly fighting to stay afloat, trying not to drown in my pain, my frustration, my fear, my stress.
Stress. The bane of my existence. My entiire life, I have been high-stress about EVERYTHING. School, sickness, family, friends, my friends' problems, and on and on and on. And in the past few years, it only got worse. I would break down every Sunday night like clockwork just because I was so stressed I didn't know how I was going to face another week. And by the time I was a teenager, my neurologist realized that anxiety and stress were a trigger for my seizures, which is why I now take anxiety meds every morning, and I can really tell a difference if I forget to take it one day.
Anyway, I won't make this a huge post, but my point is this: I desperately need to be more peaceful. If I don't, I'll go even more nuts. So I decided that the first step was to focus on all the positives in my life, instead of the bad.
Already, God has proven Himself ever so faithful and concerned with my desires. A dear friend of mine commented the other day that she has seen such a change in my personality. All because I made a choice to be happy.
And when I had that talk with Matt on Friday, even though I had been SO nervous in the days beforehand, I was completely calm through the entire conversation. No shaking. No tears. No heart racing. Nothing. That night, I finally fully comprehended the meaning of the phrase "peace that passes all understanding." God was all over that conversation, no doubt about it. It's hard to explain, even harder to describe, but I will just say this - the old me would've definitely had been having a panic attack the second I decided to take the opportunity to tell him what was on my heart.
We may only be 30 days into the new year, but I can already feel myself that much closer to my goal. I am changing, and it's a miraculous, beautiful, wonderful thing.
