But most of all, I want my heart to get completely lost in God this year. I want to live my days fully believing that God is enough for my peace and contentment and joy, where I am centered and resting in God's love and truth and promises and not standing on the shaking ground of what other people say about me and my worth.
Truth be told, I've kind of forgotten about these goals that I had made for this year. I've been caught up in still wishing I could meet someone. I've joined two dating apps in the past couple of months, telling myself (and others) that it was just because I wanted to meet new people and get out and have a life, and while that's partially true, it's also because you know, everyone says "oh that's how everyone's finding relationships nowadays" and I want it to include me. I've been on a few dates since I started, and they've been good, one recently was REALLY good, but they just leave me wanting more. Surprise surprise, what I thought was missing, what I thought I need to do, didn't make me happy enough. Go figure.
There's a wonderful girl that I know through my trip to Texas named Catie. Over the past year and a half, I've witnessed (via social media) her go from single to engaged to married. Last weekend, she posted something on Instagram. Knowing what I do of her story, it really encouraged me to see her so happy, and I told her that. After a few comments, I asked her if I could send her an email elaborating on how I was feeling, and her response hit me straight in the heart in the best possible way. I could copy and paste the entire email here, but that might be a bit long. These are the pieces that stood out.
God knows your heart, He knows those desires and He wants to honor that by possibly one day providing you those desires, but He is also a JEALOUS God who deeply desires (just like you and I desire) an intimate, tender, precious relationship with you... to sanctify you and make you holy and blameless, to love you deeper than you could've ever imagined or dreamed of.
The creator of the universe, lover of our soul.. says we're beautiful, more precious than rubies and gold, ABSOLUTELY HIS CHERISHED WORKS OF ART.
...the Lord of all things pure and holy finds you worthy of a relationship with Him.
...I had to be honest with myself, and know that even if God never provides me a husband or a sweet baby, HE IS SO SWEET AND GRACIOUS TO ME BECAUSE I GET TO BE HIS DAUGHTER.
Fall in love with Jesus, He is so worth it. He created you to fulfill your every need and desire. Let Him fill your need with just His grace and love alone. And stop letting Satan lie to you, Mal. You ARE beautiful! We must stop looking to the world and to boys and whoever else to feel pretty.
I really do want you to KNOW (not simply feel) but with all your being no matter who says otherwise, that you ARE wanted, that you ARE beautiful. And also remember that His life is His love story to you.
His life is His love story to you. That probably stood out more to me than anything. I've been waiting for a love story to sweep me off my feet, when I have the greatest love story of all of a King who found me worthy of giving his life to save. ("In the eyes of the Lord God, you are loved, and you are worth dying for." - Jon Jorgenson) I've been waiting for a guy to love me when I have a God who loves me beyond all comprehension, infinitely more than another broken human being ever could, even one that does feel like my Prince Charming. I've been waiting for a relationship to make me happy, when happiness is fleeting and the true joy I need to make it through this life comes through a relationship with the One who created me, who knows and loves me more intimately and deeply than I could ever dream of asking for.
God needs to be enough for me. I need to have joy even if God wills it not to bring me the husband and kids that I've desired for as long as I can remember. I need to have contentment in the idea of just having God...but right now, I don't. I want to be, though; I so desperately want to be. I hate this feeling of thinking that I'm not lovable or wanted or whatever simply because I don't get a lot of attention or validation from guys. The only way I know how to put it is that it seems that my mind and heart have been so caught up in what I want for my future that I'm making myself more important than God and His plans for my life, despite how many times He has proven that His plans are so much better than mine. I'm so thankful for the Lord's willingness to forgive me for this.
Lord, I love you. Help me grow ever closer to You this year and, as Catie said, faceplant in the truth that I am loved and beautiful and your cherished masterpiece.