Monday, March 28, 2016

Falling and Waiting and Praying and Trusting

Oh the irony...

I wrote just a few days ago about how I was seeking to focus on God instead of guys and my relationship status and whatnot. Little did I know, I was in the middle of getting myself knee deep in another...problem.

I don't want to get into the details quite yet, not until I know how this is going to play out, but they're not really important to what is on my heart tonight anyway.

Anyone who knows me knows that I invest 100% of myself into every relationship I have. It's gotten me burned plenty of times, but the times that it has gone well have been enough to make me not want to change. My mom calls me "intense," and I'm finally not running away from that description anymore.

Yes, I am intense. Yes, I feel things more deeply than most people do. There really is no middle ground for me; I either don't care or my heart is in it. I refuse to keep apologizing for that. It's the big, boundless heart that God gave me that allows me to be a source of support and comfort for my friends when they need it. There have been times when I've gotten hurt that I've said I wish I didn't care so much, but I don't mean it. I don't know how not to care. I don't know how not to love fiercely and proudly and deeply.

The one thing that I'm still not okay with in all of this, though, is the fact that the intense way that I feel everything in life leads me to falling way harder and way faster than I should for guys who, up until this point, have never been worth it. I crave love to an extent that probably seems unnatural to most. My two biggest love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch; I need that real, obvious personal connection. The only problem is that when I feel that connection, I fall into it like a warm, soft bed after a long day before I even think it through. And that's usually how I end up getting played and/or hurt.

That's the situation I'm in now. Everyone keeps telling me to guard my heart and not invest too much of myself when there are reasons I'm pretty sure this connection isn't going to last long, but I don't know how to do that. I never have. And I don't know how to train myself to do that. Guarding my heart and not investing myself mean holding my heart back and that's not something I've ever done, despite all the times I've gotten hurt for it. Does that make me an idiot or a masochist? Maybe.

I don't know what I'm doing, especially not in this, with a guy who seems to actually like me and not just want to use me for something. So I suppose all I can do as I see how this unfolds in the next few weeks is trust that God will use all of this to teach and grow and mold me. A friend told me that as crazy as these feelings seem right now, they are God-given, too. So I have to believe that God is going to use this - not because it's what I'm "supposed to" believe, but because I need to believe it for my sanity - even if I can't see how yet and probably won't see it for a while.

There are two things I know for sure right now, though: 1) God is faithful, and however this ends, He will continue to prove Himself faithful, as He always does, and 2) If this ends not the way I want it to, I have an incredible community to pick me up and help me work through it.

Happy Easter, my friends. Because God won, so did we.

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