The older I've gotten, the more I've struggled to be content with my singleness. I sit and watch so many of my friends not just find solid, longlasting relationships, but then get engaged and married, and I have this almost constant underlying nagging feeling that I'm missing something. I have all of these amazing brothers who aren't shy in the least about telling me all of my amazing qualities and all the things they love about me, and while it's flattering, I can't stop thinking, "If I'm so awesome, why does no guy actually want to date me? Why am I always the sister?" It's ridiculous, I know, and I repeatedly tell myself that, but it's the truth.
The irony about all of this is that on top of the discontentment, I also struggle with believing that I am worthy of somebody wanting me romantically. I see my girlfriends, and I get overwhelmed with the feeling that I'm not special enough or different enough or cool enough or pretty enough or ___ enough to stand out amongst these girls who seem to have so much more going for them than I do. So I walk around wanting what I don't have but simultaneously believing that I'm not capable of or worth having it.
I want to stop this. I want 2016 to be the year that my perspective on this changes.
I want to stop seeing myself in such a poor light.
I want to look in the mirror and be able to believe myself when I say "I am beautiful."
I want to believe I'm worthy of being wooed and adored and pursued and loved.
I want to believe and focus on the truths of who God says I am and who God sees me as over the voices of this world who constantly say that I'm missing something.
I want to learn how to walk confidently out the door with the security of knowing that my self-esteem isn't reliant on what guys, or anyone, say to me.
But most of all, I want my heart to get completely lost in God this year. I want to live my days fully believing that God is enough for my peace and contentment and joy, where I am centered and resting in God's love and truth and promises and not standing on the shaking ground of what other people say about me and my worth.
All of this, this is why my One Word for 2016 is