Friday, February 5, 2016

Already Enough

I want to be seen without being obscene.
I want to be special without being a spectacle.
I want to be pretty without being promiscuous.
I want to be safe without being sheltered, intelligent without being intimidating, nice without being naive, and fun without being a flirt.
I want to be accepted without being expected.
I want to be invited without being indicted.
I want to belong without losing myself.
I want to be strong without being controlling, and allowed to be weak without being a cliche.
I want to be challenged without being pitied.
I want to be kind without being a pushover.
I want to be stylish without being spoiled, joyful without being fake, and heard without being fixed.
I want to be honest without being rude.
I want to be patient without being indecisive.
I want to be simple without being plain, and sassy without being, well, you know...
I want to question without being judged, and I want to answer without judging.
I want to be loved without needing everyone to like me.
I want to be funny without being told I'm not allowed to be.
I want to be whole, even though, at times, I've been shattered to pieces.
I want to be held without being confined.
I want to be cared for without being controlled.
I want to be chosen without being claimed, and I want to be clear when I say, "Enough is enough."
I want to know my identity without having to adopt someone else's.
I want to see myself without the filters of what everyone tells me I should be.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin without feeling that I need to show it, and without feeling shamed when I don't hide enough of it.
I want to feel beautiful without anyone telling me whether it's right or wrong to want that.
I want to be amazing, and I want someone other than myself to remind me that I am.
I want to be captivating, because that's how I was made to be.
(I want to be seen without being obscene.
I want to be special without being a spectacle.
I want to be pretty without being promiscuous.
I want to be safe without being sheltered, intelligent without being intimidating, nice without being naive, and fun without being a flirt.)
I want to be seen without being obscene.


There's nothing like crying at 1 am because the words of a video hit you straight in the gut, is there? That's what happened to me when Jon released this last night. Why? Because this video, these words, they're exactly what I meant when I chose enough as my One Word for this year, and I didn't even realize it.

I just want to be enough. I want to be enough for people to love me. I want to be accepted just as I am without feeling like I have to try to get people to like me. That's why things worked out with my soccer boys so well; they were the first people in my life who never, not for one second, made me feel like I had to be anyone other than exactly who I was. They saw me - like, actually saw me - and without saying a word, told me that I was enough by deciding to love me when I wasn't even sure I wanted them to.

I know that. Please don't think that I don't know how much those boys love me. I do. I have a ball sitting on my desk every day to remind me that I have a whole crew of brothers with me. But after some things that have happened in the past year, there have been these voices ricocheting around inside my head trying to convince me that I wasn't enough for the people who left and that the people who are here now are going to decide I'm not enough for them, either. It's a constant battle for me to shut those thoughts down and believe that the ones who tell me they love me are telling me the truth, no matter what lies I've been told from other people. I want to believe that the way that I love people is enough, that it's not some curse dooming me to a life of those around me deciding that somehow I'm simultaneously too much to deal with and not enough to be their friend.

I want to believe that I am captivating as I was made to be and that my shattered pieces sown back together are enough to hold the relationships that I crave. I want to believe my friends when they tell me I'm amazing. I want my love for people to be enough to earn me respect without making me an easy target to be taken advantage of. I want to be seen without having to try so hard all the time. I want to believe that I am enough to be loved and accepted.

I know in my gut that I am wanted. I have people in my life who have loved me better than I could have ever imagined and taught me more about God than any church service I've ever been to. I just want to believe that I am wanted, so I can stop letting the voices of the lies I've been told gain control over my sanity. Knowing something and believing it are two very different things.

But there's something else Jon said in a previous video that actually fits perfectly here. It's from "The 4 Identity Myths":

So our decision today is: whose voice are you going to listen to? Are you going to listen to the voices of the world that are dead set on convincing you that you're not enough, or are you going to listen to the voice of God who continually tells us in His Word, through prayer, through worship, through community, and mostly through His Son Jesus, that in Him and in a relationship with Christ, He makes us enough?

Unfortunately, the world is never going to completely get it. We're broken people surrounded by other broken people who hold on tighter to the hurt than remembering what it feels like to be happy and loved, because negative voices are almost always much louder than the voices of truth.

A man's ego and pride will have him running through a red light. A woman's fears and insecurities will have her stopping at a green one. We're all so used to the bullshit and games that we don't even know how to genuinely connect with one another anymore. She got played so now she avoids getting close. He got played so now all he does is play games. We're more concerned with how we got hurt than we are with how to be happy. The only thing most are learning from the pain is more excuses. And some of us could be so great for one another if we'd just "man up" and face things. Love isn't hard. People are just difficult.
- Rob Hills, Sr.

A friend of mine posted that on Facebook yesterday. Humans, we're difficult creatures. We're difficult to love people and we're difficult to let ourselves be loved. One other thing that struck me about that video last night is the variety of people featured in it. I know I'm not the only with the feelings and fears I'm talking about here. But I think we're all so ashamed and afraid of being judged that we keep this stuff to ourselves when, in reality, so many of us are just dying to hear that someone else gets it, that we're not dramatic or crazy or overreacting. Imagine the freedom that we could find if we all just stopped playing games and told the truth about what is in our heads and hearts.

I think we all want to be loved and accepted and seen as enough so desperately that we forget the truth: We are not the opinion of the people who don't know us. We are not the opinion of the people who hurt us. We are not even the opinion of the people who love us. Our worth is found in who God says we are. We are masterpieces, created in the image of a perfect Father who makes nothing less than beauty. We are sons and daughters of the King. We are princes and princesses.

We are already enough.

"The single desire that dominated my search for delight was simply to love and be loved." - St. Augustine

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