I decided this week that I was going to start walking around my neighborhood again. I found out last week at the doctor that I weighed 274 (I managed to lose 6 lbs in May and June despite being completely sedentary because of my foot surgery! I was shocked!), and my goal is to hit 250 by the end of the year, so while I've been doing pretty well so far all things considering, I wanted to do a little bit more, and as my friend Jay says "it's all about increasing that output."
But I knew that I needed to start slow and take it easy on myself, first because it's been so long since I really tried this, and two because the fusion in my right toe is still pretty sore, so I didn't want to hurt myself right off the bat. Here are my stats from Wednesday - Friday.
Well, about an hour after I got back inside last night (Friday), I could barely walk. My right hip and lower back were in so much pain I was either screaming or wanted to any time I moved the slightest little bit. It is AWFUL.
I have no idea what the heck I did. If I'd had any indication I was hurting myself, I would have stopped and come home. Agh. I was just getting started, and now I have no idea when I'll be able to walk again. Because something tells me this pain is going to stick around for a while.
(Hint: I'm actually writing this post on Tuesday the 11th, and yep, I still can barely move. AWESOME. It's a bit better than Saturday, but I am still nowhere close to being able to go on a walk again.)
Prayers for healing would be much appreciated. I'm really determined to keep losing weight, and this is just...frustrating, to say the least.
This is just another aspect of my One Word, at least in my eyes. I'm tired of being afraid to look in the mirror, for fear of how disgusted I'll be. I'm tired of being afraid of people looking at me, especially considering that fear is largely unwarranted. I'm tired of being afraid of what a confident me would look like.
I spend so much time focusing on taking care of other people, investing in other people, that I think I kind of forgot what it's like to invest in myself. To invest in resting my spirit in the arms of the Father. I love a lot about my personality, but I have to learn how to love my body, too. Because when I do, and when I see myself as the beautiful creation God made, no other opinion will matter.
Knowing something is true and believing it is true are so very different. I know that God sees me as beautiful, but I don't believe that I am beautiful. This year, I pray that God teaches me to believe that I am beautiful, so much so that I believe with all of my heart and soul. This life is too precious and too fragile to spend it disliking my body anymore.
What do you get when you have a mentally ill slob of a 20 year old girl who completely refuses to wipe up anything she spills or clean any mess she makes who moves into a house, stays there for 5 years, and leaves with a rambunctious 4 year old she doesn't properly watch who has, subsequently, also been destroying the house since he was old enough to move?
The answer: My mom and me scrubbing walls, upholstery, floors, baseboards, and basically everything in sight to remove stains, some of which we can't for the life of us figure out how they got there. Like how I was cleaning crap off the walls a good two feet above Chelsea's height (and we also say she has T-rex arms so it's not like there was any human way for her to reach there). I just don't get it. And it's disgusting.
But it's all going to be worth it. Because at the end of this, not only will we have a clean house and actually want to be somewhere other than Mom's room or the kitchen, I will actually have my own bed and room for the summer. AND in 8 days, our house will be filled with family, town folks, and friends I love (and I do mean filled, this is by far the biggest crowd we've invited to a party) to celebrate my graduation, and Mom and I both want this lovely house to look as nice as possible.
It's just too bad my body is so...frustrating? Sure, we'll go with that. Mom had to go to her school's prom tonight, and I couldn't do nearly as much as I needed to do to help out today while she was here or tonight while she was gone. But she knows I can't afford to hurt myself, and that that's more important. Besides, there are some things I can do while she's at work this week. It's just...yeah, frustrating. I want to be able to do more of the work without my muscles screaming at me and my legs shutting down and going totally weak from the nerve damage that makes them do that when they're tired.
This summer, I'm going to work on building up my physical stamina. Yes, I want to lose weight, but with moving to New York, my main concern is being able to last. Weight loss will come with the increase in stamina (I hope, it won't be so easy for me as it is for others because no thyroid makes your metabolism come to basically a complete halt). Once Mom gets out of school, we're going to start going to the gym, but for now, walking will have to do. Hey, it's a start, right? It's long past time I took my body back. After spending 5 years in bed and the next 4 in survival mode and barely scraping by, it's going to be hell, but I'm ready for something different. And as my friend Emma, who has been so sweet in encouraging me and making me feel loved just as I am but also giving me tips on how to help my body, told me, that's the first step, but it's also a huge step.
That's something different in my life the past couple years, you know? Being absolutely surrounded by people who love me for me and couldn't care less what I look like, but who also are so faithful at reminding me that I can be better. It's a reflection of God to me, and how He takes me as my messy self but has only ever wanted to clean me up and save me from my mistakes. These people point me back to that kind of unconditional but fiercely loyal love without tiring of me. And that kind of love makes me want more for myself. It makes me want to be better. I'm finally beginning to see myself the way they have seen me this whole time.
That's why, come Monday, May 19, I'm starting on a journey of taking my body back.
I mean, I know this has happened before, but it's pretty rare.
It's probably because my head is already in DC, and I haven't been thinking about much else. That isn't good because I have to get this paper done for French by Friday. But it'll happen. It always does. I have much practice at procrastination.
Plus, I'm just mentally exhausted. Last night, I got this message from Gabe on Facebook chat that ended up turning into yet another problem between the College Democrats and College Republicans. Or maybe it was already a problem, and Gabe just made me aware of it by bringing me into it. And I understand why he did that because I'm pretty much the only CD officer that the CRs can have a legit, straightforward, calm, kind conversation with. So anyway, after I got off the computer with Gabe, I called Louis and he and I talked for a good 30 minutes. And then he asked me to talk to Gabe again to explain some things that he and Gabe can't talk about because they hate each other way outside of this political arena. But Gabe didn't answer, so I went to bed.
Gabe called me back this afternoon, and I spent 37 minutes on the phone with talking stuff out. I don't know how much good it did, because he said he is done speaking to the CDs as a whole because he feels "stabbed in the back". So basically a good majority of the conversation was me trying to get him to understand that I didn't personally do any of the stuff he was mad about, and that because we knew each other long before either of us got involved in these clubs, his friendship means much more to me than all this stupid drama. I don't know why he all of a sudden wonders if he can trust me, but it's like he can't see that Louis's views and actions and Chris's views and actions do not necessarily mirror mine in every regard. I will always be his friend, I just want him to back off with the rage. I don't care if he hates Louis on a personal level, I only care if that hatred turns into a vendetta that affects our clubs by taking up time.
There is some good news in all of this, though. Louis, as the president of the CDs, went to Nate, the chairman (basically the president) of the CRs, and they seem to be on the same page as far as how the two clubs need to cohabitate come fall and the election season. That is one relationship that is key. Also, by the end of our conversation, Gabe agreed that our friendship meant more than all of this stupid drama that we've ALL had a hand in creating. So he and I are good on the personal front, which is nice because I truly do care about that kid. The best news of all, though, is that Louis, Chris, and I have all made a pact to not engage any of the CRs in Facebook/Twitter debates. That's where almost all of the drama starts, so we're just done. We really do want to be able to get along with the CRs and coexist on campus in the fall without feeling like we're in the middle of a war zone. Louis and I both consider several of the CR members friends, so it's what needs to be done.
Today I really did nothing of importance except go out to eat with the family to celebrate Aunt Donna's and my birthdays. Hers was last Sunday, and mine is next Friday but I'll be in DC (AH!), so it just made sense to combine the two. I finally got the grouper that I had been craving, which is pretty much the only fish I like to eat. And I got cheesecake for dessert because I've been really good at not eating a lot of sweets. Speaking of which, I weighed myself today, and I'm about 25 pounds down from my heaviest. Which is AWESOME. And it's only gonna get better from here because the girls I'll be staying with in DC are big workout freaks, so if I have them to go with, I'll be more motivated to go to the gym on campus as opposed to going by myself. Plus, I mean, you know, I'll be walking all over a giant city for eight weeks. That's definitely going to help. :)
Oh look, I did manage to find something to blog about. I can't come up with a creative title, though, so you get what you get. On to tomorrow. There will be a fun picture coming. :D I can't remember if I've already mentioned what is happening tomorrow, but in case I didn't, I'm going to leave it like this to maybe surprise you.
This song...is just because it makes me want to dance.
Not too shabby. Weirdly enough, I had been thinking all weekend that I would lost 3 pounds. Ha, like a weird kind of jinxing myself.
Trying not to let knowing my mom's details bug me. I'm so competitive that I get a little frustrated that I've exercised 10 hours in the past two weeks, Mom hasn't exercised at all, and she's lost almost as much weight and wayyyy more inches than me. But that's just my own personal issues. It's not her fault.
Watched Life As We Know It with Mom tonight. One of the funniest, sweetest movies I've seen in quite some time. Also the first time that Katherine Heigl hasn't majorly bugged me. Plus, Josh Duhamel is always nice to look at. If you haven't seen it, and you like romantic comedies, you should definitely check it out.
For the past few years, whenever I heard really athletic and active people tell me that exercise was like therapy for them, I'd roll my eyes. Yeah, right, I would think to myself. It sounded crazy, like something they were just saying to try and entice me to do it myself.
Yeah, well, guess what. I now agree with them.
It's only been a week of me doing this bike riding, and even though it still hurts my lower back a bit (and I assume it will for a while, those muscles have had a lot of issues!), I actually really enjoy this. I don't enjoy the sweating, don't get me wrong, but I like the feel of getting my heart pumping hard, and the satisfaction of completing my goal. I hope that this is a sign that I'll want to stick with it!
It's also nice to just sit down, put my earphones in my ears, and just ride. Ir's pretty difficult to just completely block out the world in this house, but it seems that if I tell my mom I'm gonna ride the bike, she'll actually leave me alone. Everyone needs some time like that, you know?
So yeah. That is going really well. :) I'm pretty excited, which is also a brand new feeling for me when you're talking about the word "exercise."
Also, a moment that is totally out of character for me during the summer? This night owl actually went to bed at 12:30 last night and got up for the day at 9:30. I know, that's probably LATE for some of you, but for me to do that on summer vacation when I have no appointments or anywhere to be, that's just weird. And because of that, I'm pretty tired right now! Maybe this will be a change, too....we'll see. I do love my sleep. :)
FIVE POUNDS. Writing it out still makes me happy. :)
And considering I didn't exercise last Sunday or Monday and only managed to get in 4 hours on the bike this week, I can't WAIT to see what the results will be next week because I plan on doing an hour a day every day.
I was getting a little pessimistic this week, so God must've known this would be just the kind of encouragement I needed.
Yes, ladies and gents, I biked 26.4 miles in one hour today.
Lest I be causing any confusion, this is not a regular bike. This is a stationary bike. Because of all the nerve damage I have in my right arm and right leg and the brain damage, I've never been able to learn how to ride a bike. Balance is kind of a crucial part of that, and I have ZERO.
All that aside, I'm pretty freakin' stoked right now. And surprisingly enough, I don't hurt very much, either. Granted, that may change by tomorrow morning, but I'm good right now.
I seriously have to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. Mom and I didn't get to bed till 4 am last night, and then Chelsea woke me up at 9:30. Five and a half hours of sleep doesn't work for me.
Good night, people. (And three cheers for New York!!)
Have you seen the new show Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition?
If you haven't here's the gist of it: Chris Powell
spends an entire year with a morbidly obese person to get them to lose the weight. It's amazing. I thought nothing could replace my love for Bob Harper in the Reality TV Personal Trainer category, but Chris has come in and taken that crown in one fell swoop. Plus, he's way cuter. ;)
There's a point to this, I promise.
Basically, I've made it a goal to lose 20 pounds before I go back to school on August 14th. And it's hard. Really hard. You're looking at a girl who literally has not been healthy enough to exercise in over four years. That's a long time to not move! And that's how all this weight piled on, too. I used to be thin. And I'm tired of feeling horrible about how I look and having zero self-esteem. A major thanks goes to Mat and Ryann for already helping me start to work through the self-esteem issues. That in itself was a huge step forward.
But there's a lot more to be done.
The confusing/frustrating part is that my whole family keeps telling me I had to have lost weight because I look smaller, but I'm the type of person who relies on concrete details, and the number on the scale has gone up, not down. Well, you're probably thinking, "You're probably gaining muscle and losing fat, and muscle weighs more than fat." I know that (thank you, Lifetime Wellness), but it's hard for a Type A personality like myself to remember that when you work and work at something and aren't seeing results. It gets me frustrated and discouraged, hence the whole 'I wish I had Chris Powell' thing.
But anyway, I have an exercise bike that has been sitting in my room for a long time now, and starting yesterday, my plan (because another thing I learned in class is it's always good to have an exercise plan) is to ride it for at least 30 minutes a day. So far so good.
It's a good thing I'm extremely determined and even more stubborn. :D I'll keep you posted.
Okay, so I've made a decision about something. I really need to lose weight, and it's not going to be easy once I get back to Campbell because it will be even colder than it is here, and cold weather is terribly bad for my asthma, so I probably won't want to leave my dorm except to go to class or eat. So I've made a decision/goal while I'm still home.
Starting December 1 (because I like starting things off on the start of a month or week. Yes, I'm weird like that) I am going to ride my exercise bike at least 30 minutes a day at least 5 days a week. Yes, I realize that that means I will have to ride it every day this week once I start, but I think I'm ready. Hopefully, this will make at least a little bit of difference by January 10.
I'm thinking I'll post how I'm doing from week to week, so that you guys can help keep me responsible. And buy myself a scale. My mom hates having a scale in the house (hah!) but I think I would really benefit from one.
Okay, that's about it. Today's been a lazy day because I haven't really felt like doing much because of my ankle, so there's nothing much else to say.
