So. Um. Yeah.

So apparently I definitely have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I heard it as a possibility years ago, but now the bloodwork my endocrinologist just did apparently proves it.

I also might have Cushing's Disease. I don't even fully know what that is but I have a blood test to confirm the diagnosis next Thursday. Then if that is positive I need to have some more tests done to see if it's caused by a tumor.

Having a diagnosis or even a possible diagnosis to years of problems is something to be thankful for. But the word tumor kind of scares the hell out of me.

The good news of today is that I got my complimentary dance lesson scheduled for Monday. So I have that to look forward to.

Lifelines

Alexis is one of the sweet friends that I made while I was in Texas.  (I mentioned her in the recaps.)

Tonight, I am just so, so thankful for her and the fact that we were able to spend 35+ minutes on FaceTime.  I had texted her about some of the stuff I have coming up this week, and when she said that she wished she was here to give me a hug and pray with me in person, I asked her if we could have a phone/FaceTime prayer session, and it was a bigger gift than either of us could have predicted.

Before that conversation, I knew she was a friend, but after it, I knew she was a true sister.  She sat patiently and listened to me share my heart and didn't think any less of me when I told her I didn't really know what to say to God right now.  We laughed when I said I loved her and she responded, "You beat me to the punch!"  It was just so precious to have a face right in front of me (albeit through my phone screen) to remind me that I am not alone and that people all over are walking with me and praying for me through every step of this journey I am on.  I honestly couldn't even tell you everything that I shared with her.  I was so caught up in the conversation and the feeling of the presence of the Lord between us that I poured out whatever came to mind.

One thing I do remember, though, is telling her about the prayer that Bryce gave Tuesday night, and how several of my friends have told me how they have seen Christ in me during all of this and how knowing me has helped point them back to the Lord, and how it so often just baffles me that the people who love me, like Bryce and Austin and even her, Alexis, see so much good in me when I feel like a total disaster.  How I have such a hard time not focusing on my shortcomings despite being surrounded by so much encouragement and love and people whom I know are a clear manifestation of how actively and proudly and fiercely God loves me.  That was when my jaw (figuratively) hit the floor.

Alexis then shared with me the impact that our time together in Texas had on her.  She told me how God used our simple conversations to get her back where she knew she needed to be but had been running from.  And my mind was just blown.  If she hadn't bravely shared that with me, I never would have guessed that our connection had helped her in such a deep way.  What she had to say reminded me of something another friend asked me one day - if I would still be grateful for my life if I had no idea it helped people, if no one had ever told me what God had done for them through me.  And my answer now is still what I told that friend then...I don't know.  Ever since the night that I begged God to show me that the medical traumas I'd been through had a purpose, I have felt that purpose being revealed to me in the people who share information with me about how God has used me to help them.  It's stories like that that keep me from wanting to completely give up on this life, that pull me out of the low place when I'm screaming at God "PICK SOMEBODY ELSE!"  While yes, I have grown so much in learning where my identity is and letting God carry me through life and not relying on other people for any of that, there are still quite a few days that remembering God has used me and my life to help others that is just about the only thing that helps me to be okay with it.  It helps me not to be angry towards God and regretful about the life that He gave me.  I want to be used for His Kingdom.  Thinking of all the people who say that I have helped them keeps me focused on my purpose as a child of God.  It makes this mess make sense.  But I guess there's still a lot I have to do in fixing my perspective.

While I know and fully believe that God is everything and that He is enough all by Himself, I also fully believe that I could not survive without the family I have around me.  Maybe that's wrong of me, but these people?  My Reformation brothers, my other school friends, my church family, my Texas family, my blog friends.  They are my lifelines.  They are the encouragement I need to keep clinging to God when nothing makes sense and every other option in the world seems easier.  They are the ones who faithfully and patiently point me back to the God who saved me, no matter how many times I need to be reminded of it.  Just as they say that my faith has taught them and inspired them, I hope and pray that they know they teach me and inspire me every single day with every conversation.

I've said it a million times, and I'll say it every day for the rest of my life: we weren't meant to do this life alone.  And I am immeasurably blessed that I no longer have to.

What If vs. What Is

Usually, for my blog posts, I just sit down at the computer at the end of the night, and whatever comes to mind is what I write out.  It's pretty much a "stream of consciousness" type deal.  Even the "deeper" posts, I generally don't put much prep thought into them and can usually write them in about half an hour because it all just sort of pours out of me. But during my last phone conversation with Michal, I told her about these days where I have a Bible verse stuck in my head all day long, and she oh-so-nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, that's God."  So I've been trying to be more attuned to when God might be speaking to me as opposed to it just being my own thoughts.  And I've had an idea for tonight's blog post in my head since I was walking out the door for work about 7:30 this morning.  Whether this is God's idea or mine, since I've been thinking about it all day and nothing out of the ordinary happened, I might as well write about it, right?

It's no secret that I second guess everything in life.  Basically every decision I have to make, no matter how small, comes down to me playing out all of the possible options and results in my head.  Even when I do make a decision, 99% of the time I end up wondering what would've happened if I had picked the other option.  If you know me the least little bit, you know that I am ridiculously indecisive.  That's probably why I pick the same things over and over again at restaurants and such - I hate having to make a new choice.

So since my indecisive nature is a pretty obvious fact about my personality, it should come as no surprise that I have been asked before if I ever wonder what life would be like if I were healthy or if I had a normally working body.

The honest answer?  I used to all. the. time.  Spend as much time as I did in bed 2006-2010 and you kinda have a tendency to get caught up in your own thoughts.  I remember it being especially brutal in the fall of 2009 when I was laid up in Duke knowing that I was missing out on my first chance to experience college.  In fact, I spent a lot of time wishing I could be someone else.

You would think that once I got on the other side of the foot surgeries drama, that wouldn't be such a big question in my life, but really, I still wondered.  What if I wasn't in this stupid power chair?  What if I wasn't in pain all the time?  Would I be healthy?  Would I play sports?  On and on and on.  Sure, it lessened as I got more caught up in school and made a social life for myself, but it still happened.

Now, I've gone more than a year with God making it darn near impossible for me to ignore the fact that my life and my story are making an impact on people.  I can't pretend that isn't true when I have people, some of whom I consider to be my role models, call me a hero because of my story.  The same church that , for all intents and purposes, kicked me out several years ago invited me back to speak this January because of my story.  I have non-Christian friends tell me they understand why religion matters to some people so much because of my story.  It's quite simply impossible to ignore.

And if you asked me to pick one surprising lesson I've learned from all of these people showing me the impact I've had, something beyond the given "God is amazing. God is a healer. God is always with me." type of answer, it would be this:

When you get caught up in the what if in life, you miss out on the what is, and the beauty of the what is can blow your mind.

This weak and often broken physical body God gave me has led me to opportunities that I couldn't have gotten if I were someone else.  They're the kind of opportunities that bring me to my knees asking God why He ever thought that I was qualified to handle them.  If I had stayed in that bubble of self-pity even longer than I did, I would've missed out on some conversations, opportunities, and friendships that have made me that much more grateful to God for the blessings He has given me.  If I had second guessed myself in the moment, I never would've told Bruno my story that day at lunch.  If I had second guessed myself in forming a friendship with Ryann because of preconceived notions, I would've missed out on a girl that loves me like a sister. Every second that I spent wishing I was somebody else is a second I wasted not seeing how beautiful life is, even in the darkness.  Every second I spent wishing I was living someone else's life is a second I wasted not living out the purpose God had for me when He created me.  When I finally started focusing on the concrete, real present and quit worrying about what could be, I gained a confidence in myself that made me seem noticeably different to the people around me.

God created me in this body, with all of its issues and problems, for a reason.  I am in no position to second guess His reasoning.  That's basically what it boils down to for me, which is why I don't second guess my existence anymore.  He has a plan for me.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16

And if I can apply that mentality to the big things in life, God, my life, my health, why the heck can I not apply that to the small things?  One of the biggest things God has been working on in me the past few months, and even more intensely the past couple of weeks, is that tricky little thing called trust.  I have to completely, 100% believe that He is in control and that I am not, even when it feels like my plans shatter and I have to deal with "Plan B".  It was never Plan B to God.  There was never a second when I wasn't going to have 19 surgeries, when I wasn't going to lose my dad on June 17, 1999, when I wasn't going to end up in DC this summer.  Every time I think about the "what if", I'm taking away my trust in a plan that is so far above me and so incredibly perfect.

My challenge to you and to myself is to focus on the what is.  Good or bad, focus on the right now, and what God wants you to get out of it.  He gave you this life for a very specific purpose.  You'll never see it if your head is somewhere else.  Even when it hurts, even when it's scary, He's still there, and He will still make something beautiful out of your life.  Redemption doesn't always look the way you expect it to look, but that doesn't mean it's not redemption.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

I. am losing. my mind.

There's so much stuff I have to do.

I know there is.

But here's the problem.

I can't remember any of it.

It's like I've been drugged or something.

Maybe that joke I used to make about college making me dumber isn't such a joke after all.

Not having a migraine all day today might help things, but alas, that's not the case.

Something surprising did happen today, though.

There's a girl named Ryann (pronounced like Ryan) in my History, Statistics, and French classes. (Yeah, freaky how that worked out.)  I used to think that she didn't like me very much.  Don't know why.  Well, today before French we were waiting and talking about our History test on Monday and Statistics test on Tuesday and how we hope our French test isn't before next Friday otherwise we'll be way crammed, and before I knew it, she asked me if I wanted to study with her on Sunday for History (both of us have aced both of the Statistics test, so we're not worried about that).  I wasn't expecting that at all, but of course I said yes.  I love studying with people who actually want to put in the effort, and I know she will because she's stressed about doing well on it.  I guess I haven't been giving her enough credit.

Plus, after that, she asked me what year I was, and when I told her I'm a first-semester sophomore, she asked me why that was, and that turned into a huge conversation about all my medical stuff, like the 2009 brain surgeries, and she surprised me again by seeming to be genuinely interested and caring about all that I've dealt with.  I always worry about talking about that stuff because I don't want to come off like I want people to feel sorry for me, and I said that, and she was like "Oh no, definitely not, I asked!"  :)

So yeah, today has just made me happy. :)  Maybe people aren't so bad after all. ;)

I am just SO MAD tonight.

And this time, it's not about me or my life.

It's about a friend.

A friend I met by finding her blog.

She is quite possibly one of the funniest, most passionate people I've ever met.

She's a 27-year-old single girl in Alaska.  Two years ago she was diagnosed with endometriosis and, over the next two years, her endo progressed to stage 4.  One of the fastest cases all the docs she's been to have ever seen.

She was told that if she wanted to have kids, she had to do it now, or she probably never would.

So she chose IVF.  She went through all the testing, and two surgeries, and bought sperm (men's version of liquid gold, apparently) and went for it on her own.  She spent pretty much every dime she owns, and borrowed immense amounts of money from her grandma to pay for this.

She only had enough money, and strength of heart, to get one set of embryos.

She did her first round in July, and it failed.

She had two embryos frozen, and today found out that it failed, too.

My heart is broken, for this girl I don't even know.  It's just one of those times that I'm sitting her staring at the ceiling going, "WHY, God? Why?! Why, why, why?!" 

I barely know this girl, but I was praying so hard for her to have her dream of being pregnant.  It's not about having a biological child to her, it's that she just wanted to be pregnant.  And it seems just so screwed up that this girl, who you can tell after about two seconds of reading her blog, is meant to be a mother, can't have the one dream she's been dying for.  When there are moms out there who abuse their kids, who sell their kids to pay off drug debts, who do so much harm and can get pregnant with ease time and time again, it just kills me that this girl is sitting in her Alaska apartment crying her eyes out right now because her body has failed her, all her hard and tenuous work has failed her.

It's just...mean.

But you know why I think this case is bothering me more than others?  Because in five or ten years, I could be her.  My mom had severe endometriosis, and it's hereditary.  My periods have never been regular.  I was told at 16 that my doc thinks I have an ovarian disease.  For years now, I've had this gnawing feeling in my gut that as much as I desperately want to be a mother, conceiving is not going to be easy.

I can't predict the future.  All I can think tonight is that my heart is breaking for my friend.

Why, God.  Why.

Will it EVER END?!

You know, guys, believe it or not I've been trying really hard lately to stay positive.

To make jokes about all the medical crap I have to deal with.

To not draw attention to myself.

To let others know that I am okay despite everything I've been through.

But I'm about to be a Negative Nelly, and frankly, be really real here.

I am exhausted.

I am tired of being in pain all the time.

I do everything the doctors tell me to do, and yet these annoying migraines will. not. go. away!

Which, in case you were wondering, makes it really freaking hard to focus on all the schoolwork I have to do.  You know, like the paper that was due October 1st that I still haven't written?

I can't go two straight days without having a migraine. 

And I'm tired of it.

And if it's not my head, it's my back, my feet, my sinuses, the "eradication protocol" for the stupid MRSA or something else.

Like right now? My head feels like it's going to explode.  My eyes hurt.  The pressure makes me want to cry, which wouldn't be very smart, because that would just make it worse.

And it's like...every time I think the doctors have found a way to help me, my body gets comfortable with the medicine and it stops working.  Like the muscle relaxer that the Duke neuro guy gave me a couple months ago.  It worked great at first!  Then, it didn't.

Now I have migraines four or five days a week.

And of course, I couldn't go see a doctor now because my attendance has already been blown out of the water, which means I've got at least 4 more weeks of suffering before I'll be able to get some help.

Basically, I'm just tired.  So, so very tired.  Tired of the fatigue.  Tired of having no answers. 

And very, very tired of the pain.

Sorry, George, you were wrong.

So suffice it to say, I watch George Lopez.  A lot.

One line I remember him saying to his TV daughter Carmen is, "Never underestimate the beauty of an unexpected period."

Well, guess what, George, you were wrong.  So, so wrong.

There is really nothing beautiful about getting your period three weeks before you're supposed to.

Especially not while taking birth control pills that are supposed to regulate your period.

I've been on this special four-periods-a-year birth control for over three years now.  I started it in 2007 one, because my periods were out of control, and two, so I wouldn't have to deal with my period while recovering from my spine surgery.

It's supposed to take up to a year for your body to get used to it, which I could understand.  And really, for about the first year and a half, it worked super.  I loved it.  Then, I started getting periods in the middle of a pack.  Periods that never. ended.

Okay, not never, obviously, but that went on for a really, really, really long time.

You wanna know the longest time I've been on my period for?  57 days is the longest I remember.

57 days.

Yes, FIFTY-SEVEN DAYS.

While on birth control.

Can't wait to see how long this one lasts!

Sigh, I guess this is just one more doctor appointment I'll have to fit in over Christmas break.

Ow.

My new discovery of the day: If you don't walk in a normal tennis shoe for three and a half months, it'll hurt when you finally do.

Deep stuff, huh?

I was finally able to wear a regular tennis shoe on my right foot today.  I haven't done that since my second foot surgery on July 23. I walked down the hall of my dorm and to the nearby dining hall. 

I'm not allowed to walk all the way to class yet.  My doc wants me to take things slow to not stress the bones that only had 2 months to fuse (it usually takes at least 6 months, usually a year).  It's a good thing he told me not to walk to class yet.

Because the little bit I did today?  Let me tell you; it hurt.

Ow numero dos? The nasty rash-like dry skin thing I've got going on on my right arm where the PICC line was.  My skin does not react well to adhesive, and I had adhesive there for six weeks, so it's just nasty, and I can't find anything to help it.

Basically, other than that, I'm just stressed. I can't wait for this semester to be over.

That was NOT how I wanted to spend today.

I think my subconscious self might have a magnet in it somewhere that just naturally pulls me to the nearest ER.

Today? I got so close to passing out in Western Civ I actually had to lay down on the floor and they called an ambulance.

I wasn't originally going to go to the hospital but then a second wave of dizzyness hit me and I got even weaker.

So I spent all day today in the same ER that completely missed the infection in my foot, with an absolute jerk of a nurse.  Seriously, why are you going to become a nurse if you can't be nice to people?

That was fun.

I'm almost out of clean clothes.  Think that's a sign I need to do laundry tomorrow?  Yeah.

Four Words

Nausea and migraines suck.

All in all.

All in all, I love my life.

All in all, I love my family.

All in all, this weekend was awesome.

Mom got Thursday and Friday off work because of the torrential downpour we had. Two to three feet of standing water can be dangerous to drive through, in case you were curious.

I don't remember the last time I had 4 solid days of just hanging out with my mom, laughing, talking, watching TV and movies and Youtube videos, and snuggling. :)

Yes, I'm 18 years old and still like to snuggle with my mom. Weird? Maybe.

You should seriously check out Tim Hawkins the comedian on Youtube. Mom and I laid on her bed for hours choking ourselves and crying with laughter at his stuff.

Tomorrow, I am off to Wilmington. We are going by the office where I can pick up more of my antibiotics. We are going to Dr. P's office so he can check out my foot and cast it if the incision has stopped oozing. And then we are going to my new Infectious Disease doctor's office for a check-up there.

I have no idea why, but it makes me laugh that I have an Infectious Disease doctor. I'm infectious!

It also makes me laugh that my cousin is now dating a girl named Chelsea.

Yes, in case you were wondering, I am amused very easily. Even more so if you're my mom; she cracks me up like no one else can.

So yeah. All in all, I'm good.

I've been thinking...

Oh, now before you go getting concerned, hear me out. ;)

Really, though, last night, something occurred to me. 

According to medical standards, I shouldn't be here.

I mean, really.  Think about everything I've been through in the past year alone.

That blood clot in my brain? Should've killed me.

That staph meningitis?  Should've killed me.

That staph pneumonia? It probably wouldn't have killed me, but it sure should have had some major long-lasting effects, a lot more than it did.

And this MRSA staph infection in my foot?  I found out from my mom that I was about 48 hours from going into septic shock.  Which so, so, SO easily could've killed me.

Plus, I mean, there's my thyroid tumors, my hydrocephaly, my back issues, my seizure disorder, and everything else.

I'm finally realizing why doctors have called me a "medical phenomenon."  Because I've done an insane amount of beating the odds in my 18 years.

And I have to think...there's a reason I'm still here.

There's a reason the zillion things I've had go wrong in my life haven't killed me.

There's something I'm supposed to do, someone I'm supposed to help, some reason I'm still living.  God has something big in store for me, and I just hope and pray that I don't miss out on His direction to what that may be. 

I want to make a difference in this world.  Yes, I want to be a wife, and a mom, and have a good job, but more than anything, I want to make a change.  I'm not talking about necessarily something running-for-president huge or the like, but I want to leave a legacy behind.  When I die, I want someone to say that I was a good, kind, loving, helpful person who did everything I could to make others feel better.

I want to teach.

I want to inspire.

I want to love wholeheartedly.

Doctors say I shouldn't be here.  But God said something different.  And one day, I want to see the reason for all of my pain and suffering.  I want to help someone get through what they're dealing with by showing them that surviving is possible. 

God, please show me the way to fulfill Your destiny for me.  Don't let my self-concern block out my chance to live the life I'm meant to live.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

An Unintended Break

Somehow, three days went by and I didn't blog at all.
The weird thing is I didn't even miss it.
I've been congested and tired and distracted by doing my IV antibiotics twice a day.
Which, by the way, is going just smashingly.
I've already got it down to a science.
I tell ya, though - it's gonna be a long six weeks.
Because as grateful as I am that I can take these antibiotics this way instead of sitting in the hospital for six weeks, it's a major pain in the butt.
Not to mention these doctors keep going up on my dosage and I'm concerned they're going to keep doing it till Red Man Syndrome hits me.
That's totally not fun to deal with, in case you were wondering.
I had it once last October when docs at Duke gave me this same antibiotic to fight my staph meningitis, and basically my whole body turned bright red, I spiked a fever, and it took laying on my bed naked covered in ice packs for an hour to cool me down.
Hence the name Red Man Syndrome.
I also found out that I'm a carrier for MRSA (Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus). Also known as the most dangerous staph infection out there.
Just what I need, right?!
Anyway, it finally stopped raining tonight! It's literally been raining for days.
The news said there's two to two and a half feet of water outside!
I was supposed to go see Dr. P yesterday, but there was no way in the world we were going out in this mess.
But anyway, I'm just letting you guys know that I'm okay.
Tired, but okay.
Frustrated, but okay.
I'm just hangin' in there.
And we all know how much practice I've got at doing that, don't we? ;)

New hospital, new problem.

So guess what guys! I have awesome news.

I'm currently sitting in a hospital in Wilmington recovering from an emergency 19th surgery earlier tonight (or last night, by the time you see this).

Nope. I'm not kidding.

That infection in my foot was really, really bad. Mom's original plan when she picked me up at Campbell Friday night was to take me home for the weekend so I could go see Dr. P (my foot doc/surgeon) on Monday. She took one look at my foot and said "That's not waiting till Monday." So she got on the phone and ended up talking to Dr. P's partner who told her to drive straight here to this hospital in Wilmington. So she did.

We got here about 9:00 and spent hours waiting before finally getting put in an actual room in the ER. Mom had to leave about midnight because a) she didn't have her heart meds and b) we had Blake with us (she picked him up after work) and he was sick and had no more bottles and my mom's friend's daughter was sitting in the ER lobby with him all night because Mom couldn't bring him back with her to be with me.

I didn't get in a room till 4:30 this morning, and didn't get a chance to sleep till about 6:00 because people wouldn't stop bugging me with questions. And to make things even better, one of these incompetent doctors decided to order that I could only have Ibuprofen all night long. Dr. P was livid when he found that out when he got to the hospital to do my surgery.

Because Mom was so "tired" and concerned with Chelsea, Blake, and my sick grandma who probably shouldn't be at the house with them right now but she is because Chelsea's still not allowed to be alone with Blake, she left me here by myself all day long. And she didn't even get back here in time to be with me before they took me into surgery. That was comforting.

Anyway, Dr. P went into my right foot and washed (and washed and washed and washed) everything out and found a fairly large puss pocket down in my foot. He moved it, and it was literally sitting right on top of the metal plate and screws in my foot. So he had to take all the hardware out. The good news is that he pushed on the bones and even though it's only been two months, everything seems to be fused together nicely.

Here's what's really got me so pissed: school. First, my mom and her school. She doesn't even want to ask to at least have Monday off so she can be here with me while they're putting a PICC line and to make all the calls to Campbell to figure out what we're going to do about that. This is the first time she's picking her job over me, and frankly, it really sucks and really breaks my heart. But I might be able to beg her just to have that one day off. We'll see.

Secondly, obviously, my school. I'm dangerously close to missing enough classes to fail all of my classes right now, and even though I'm sure that Mom can make some calls to keep that from happening, my stupid Western Civ teacher does not want to change his mind about his policy to take points off my grade even in excused absences. Plus, I have to have six weeks of antibiotics, and while they can do that through a PICC line and home health nurses while I'm at school, I have no idea how we're going to work out those logistics since Buies Creek is in the middle of freaking nowhere and it's not like I have a car or a license to drive somewhere. Plus going back to school with a tube stuck in my arm is not my idea of fun.

I'm tired of being the freak.

I'm tired of things going wrong in my life.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO TO COLLEGE. That is not too much to ask!

I know everyone has problems, but I don't know a single person who has as many problems as I do.

I'm just pissed. I need a break and it feels like I'm being punished for something because somehow God thinks it's in my best interest to have medical problem after medical problem after medical problem.

WHY CAN'T I BE OKAY FOR ONCE? WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO KEEP GOING WRONG?!?!

I Promise

Guys, I promise.

I don't actually like whining about all the issues I have.

But to be honest, the reason I whine here so often is because there's nowhere else I can let out all my frustrations.

I only have a couple "friends" here at Campbell, and they're so busy with their own issues that I haven't even really gotten to talk to them lately.

Plus, there's the fact that I constantly have some medical problem, and I just can't get a free period from it.

Like right now? There's a bright red triangle shape on my right foot. At first I thought it was just marked from the bruised tissue. But now it burns. Like I got sunburned, that's the kind of burning sensation it is. And I've tried lotion, ice, plain cold water, and I even got desperate enough to put hand sanitizer on my foot because it has aloe in it.

Nothing.

Helps.

My doctor wouldn't call me back. My mom was no help. And I'm stuck up here without a car to be able to go somewhere to get help myself.

I'm just so tired of having to deal with crap like this while trying to be a full-time college student. I know, I know, everyone's got their own problems, and I know there are kids out there way worse off than I am, but that doesn't change the fact that this sucks.

And I'm so tired of having to work so hard, of fighting just to make it through every day.

I need a break from this.

I feel like I'm breaking.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

So I've already told you about how wonderful this past weekend was, and this afternoon, it went up another notch in the Mallory Book of Awesomeness.

I looked in my planner (don't judge) to get my reading assignment for Intro to Christianity, looked at tomorrow's block and saw "NO SCIENCE LAB." Suh-weeeeeeeeeeeet!

That means I get done at 1:50 instead of 4:50. And considering I'm like three times as doped up as I usually am thanks to starting over at the top of the pain scale with my foot, that three hours is huge.

I wish I could look forward to the day that I'm not so tired anymore, but that's just not going to happen. You'd think my exhaustion would be from the painkillers, but because of my lack of thyroid and seizure meds, my doctors have already warned me that I'm pretty much going to be this tired for the rest of my life. Sounds exciting, no? Oh well. Can't change it, so I just have to deal with it. That's what I have to remember.

Lovely

This weekend has overall just been lovely.
Chelsea's not picking fights.
Mom is chill because Chelsea's not picking fights.
I can sleep in.
I'm not stressing about anything.
Mom went out and bought grouper tonight just because I said I was craving it. (And we're going to Olive Garden tomorrow! We didn't make it to Jacksonville today.)

And, of course, best of all is that I've gotten in some quality snuggle time with my Blake man. I can't help but think about how strong my love for this little baby is when he's not even mine, and how much stronger it's going to be when I'm holding my own baby. (Which makes me pray about the "ovarian disorder" my doc has warned me I might have - being a mom is the thing I want absolutely most out of life.) It's also helped me to really understand how fast time goes by. It literally feels like it was yesterday that I was sitting in English class when I got the text that Chelsea's water broke, and now he's six months old!

Okay, cut the sappyness, Mal.

Really, though, this weekend has been exactly what I needed. :) I hope yours has been just as blessed.

Another dull day.

I think it's because my body is trying to get used to this new medicine the doc put me on,
and the fact that it's a muscle relaxer that makes me drowsy,
and that they're weaning me off my Lyrica,
but I seriously feel like every ounce of energy has been drained out of my body.
I so need this weekend to relax and rest.
Thank heavens I don't have any homework to take with me.
I can just hang out with my family.
And I can't wait to see Blake! And hug him and squeeze him and kiss him to death.
And to give him the onesie I bought him. :)
Five days till I get my cast off! :D

4:45

That's what time I woke up this morning.
I was wide awake at 4:45, but now?
I'm exhausted.
I plan on going to bed in like an hour.
I'm so tired of doing homework.
The joys of college, huh?
The good news is that my fever broke and I feel a lot better than yesterday.
The bad news is that my head is killing me.
Sigh.
A new week begins.
The good news is that I get to go home in five days! :)
Good night.

I remembered.

So...I remembered late last night what I wanted to blog about, but I forgot when I was so tired.

Yesterday, I had a really long conversation with Morgan. We talked about so many different things, our families, guys, school, health, it was great to finally be back with someone that I can vent to and trust that they won't say anything. But anyway, during this conversation, she said something that's been stuck in my head.

I said, "Some people think that I'm, like, superhuman for going through all the medical stuff I've been through." And she said, "Mallory, you are kind of superhuman."

I just don't get it. I'm a human being, just like everyone else. And she's a Christian, so I thought she'd understand that I couldn't do any of this on my own. I'd be dead if it weren't for God.

And then that led me to wonder if I'm not pointing to God enough. I want to be the kind of girl who can show the whole world that God is the sole reason I am alive.

I think my biggest problem is that I am freakishly, painfully shy around people I don't know. College is a world full of strangers, and my entire life I've been used to strangers judging me, for my appearance, for my intelligence, for my health problems, or even lies they hear or assume about me without talking to me.

But Jesus wouldn't care about that. Jesus would go around spreading His message no matter what people were saying.

*sigh* I just wish it were that easy for me.

Anyway, classes start tomorrow. I have Intro to Christianity at 9:00, French at 1:00, and English at 2:00. I like that there's a nice long break in there for me to come back and eat lunch and take a breather. I'll let you know how it goes.