Friday, October 1, 2010

I've been thinking...

Oh, now before you go getting concerned, hear me out. ;)

Really, though, last night, something occurred to me. 

According to medical standards, I shouldn't be here.

I mean, really.  Think about everything I've been through in the past year alone.

That blood clot in my brain? Should've killed me.

That staph meningitis?  Should've killed me.

That staph pneumonia? It probably wouldn't have killed me, but it sure should have had some major long-lasting effects, a lot more than it did.

And this MRSA staph infection in my foot?  I found out from my mom that I was about 48 hours from going into septic shock.  Which so, so, SO easily could've killed me.

Plus, I mean, there's my thyroid tumors, my hydrocephaly, my back issues, my seizure disorder, and everything else.

I'm finally realizing why doctors have called me a "medical phenomenon."  Because I've done an insane amount of beating the odds in my 18 years.

And I have to think...there's a reason I'm still here.

There's a reason the zillion things I've had go wrong in my life haven't killed me.

There's something I'm supposed to do, someone I'm supposed to help, some reason I'm still living.  God has something big in store for me, and I just hope and pray that I don't miss out on His direction to what that may be. 

I want to make a difference in this world.  Yes, I want to be a wife, and a mom, and have a good job, but more than anything, I want to make a change.  I'm not talking about necessarily something running-for-president huge or the like, but I want to leave a legacy behind.  When I die, I want someone to say that I was a good, kind, loving, helpful person who did everything I could to make others feel better.

I want to teach.

I want to inspire.

I want to love wholeheartedly.

Doctors say I shouldn't be here.  But God said something different.  And one day, I want to see the reason for all of my pain and suffering.  I want to help someone get through what they're dealing with by showing them that surviving is possible

God, please show me the way to fulfill Your destiny for me.  Don't let my self-concern block out my chance to live the life I'm meant to live.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


  1. I have read many devotionals these past few months, even this past year. But this, my friend, was by far the very, very, very best.

    Beautifully written, Mal, I don't even know where to start. "Doctors say I shouldn't be here. But God said something different..." That stood out for me, God did say something different, and that's what matters the most. Your testimony reminds me of Gionna Jessen's, I just learned about her today. She shouldn't be here, according to what happened from the hands of humans, the same could be said about me as well... but GOD said something different. There has to be value and reason in that, you're absolutely right, beyond any shadow of a doubt.

    You want to make a difference... and I see that difference, I see it right now, in this God-breathed post, in your perspective... I see it, Mal, and it brings me to my knees. I see that light and that spirit ignite, and I see Him in the flame. It's breathtakingly beautiful.

    Think of folks like us as olives, Mal... I know that sounds ridiculous... but as mere olives, we're not all that special. It's only through the crushing that we become like olive oil, which is far more precious.

  2. Mal, I know I barely ever comment on here, but I'm always reading. You are so strong girly. So, so, strong. I am not Christian, but I appreciate your testimony and see your strength in every word. And you know what? Every struggle just makes you stronger. It may feel at times that the world is against you, that things keep crashing down on your head, but know that in the end, it will only make you stronger.

    You are already a mighty warrior!