Sunday, October 10, 2010

Y'all will probably want to skip this post.

I'm not posting this one for you guys, I'm posting it because I have to get it off my chest, and what better place to do that than a place where no one in my real life knows how to get to? (My mom knows I have a blog, she just doesn't know what the address is, and probably doesn't care. Haha!)

So if you want to skip this post altogether, I totally won't be offended.

I'm probably beating a dead horse, but it has to be said.  Matt is driving me bananas.  The poor boy is so dense he probably doesn't even realize he's doing it, so it's not like I can be mad at him for it.  It's just...if you knew someone had feelings for you, wouldn't you assume that they don't want to hear about your girlfriend (or boyfriend) all the time?  That it would hurt?  I mean, maybe that makes me a bad friend.  But he apparently has no idea that every time he talks to me about his girlfriend, Simone, my heart breaks a little bit more.

I want him to be happy.  I really do.  No matter who it's with.  I just don't get how he thinks he's so happy being with girls who go all nuts on him at the most random times, and make him feel like he's a loser and screwed up.  Doesn't he see that I would treat him better than any of his girlfriends ever have?  I get him.  I get his personality.  I get his sarcasm and sense of humor.  I know not to expect him to show up on time.  I know he'll rarely call me back when he says he will because he's ADD and gets distracted.  I know he's so busy on his "breaks" that it's near impossible to get time to hang out with me.  I know how he works.  And I don't get mad at him for it.

Not to mention the fact that he's already been accepted as pretty much a member of my family.  He calls my mom "Mom".  She calls him "Son".  He can show up at 2:30 in the morning to see me (and/or Holly) and Mom is totally okay with that.  He's the only person she lets do that.  He's been at our house for Thanksgiving dinner.  The only other non-family members that have been invited to that are Holly's long-term (ex) boyfriend and the girl Chelsea was living with one time.  That's special.

He makes me feel safe.   There are times when he's come over late at night when things have been rough between Mom and Chelsea, and I've met him outside, and he's just held me.  He was there when people at school spread rumors that I was faking my seizure disorder.  He's even taken care of me after I've passed out, carrying me into my house when I couldn't walk.  I tell him the things I can't tell my mom.  Heck, I tell him everything that goes on with my family.  And he never judges me for it or uses it against me.

I can tell you the exact moment when I realized I was really in love with him, that this was more than just the crush I had been playing it off as.  June 2008 - We hadn't spoken since January, after a mistake I made that made his "fiancee" at the time, Amy, so mad she told him not to talk to me, and he listened.  Some time in June, I don't remember the exact day, I found out that Amy had cheated on him and dumped him.  I know Matt's heart.  I know how he is when he's the dumpee and not the dumper.  So I called him and left a message apologizing again for everything and just saying I wanted to make sure he was okay.  He showed up that night, and we were sitting on the couch talking about what happened, and I could see tears in his eyes (that's one of maybe two times I've seen him cry in eight years).  When he started crying, I could actually feel myself hurting with him.   It's a feeling I can hardly explain - one that scared me terribly.  What girl my age is supposed to feel that strongly about a boy this young who she isn't even dating?  But all I knew is that this is way more than a silly schoolgirl crush.  He told me then that the only reason he didn't talk to me for so long was because she wouldn't let him.

People who know the basics of this say to me, "Well, why don't you just tell him??"  I wish I could.  I so badly wish I could.  But I'm terrified.  Every time I've ever been the least bit friends with a guy and get a crush on him, he ends up abandoning me.  And above everything else, Matt is my best friend.  Most of the time, I think he's the only real friend I have.  I can't lose that.  Part of me wants to believe that I wouldn't lose him if I told him how I really feel, but I know it'd scare the crap out of him to hear that the "feelings" I have for him are much, much stronger than I've let on in the past.  I wouldn't be able to blame him for being scared, either.

You know what the one thing he's said to me that still haunts me the most, along with my reaction to it?  One time, quite a while ago before he even knew I had "feelings" for him, on the phone he said, "You know, I've thought about dating you before, but you won't have sex with me."  At first, I thought, "Heck no I won't. You pig!  I'm proud to be a virgin and am saving that gift for someone special."  Now, I've actually thought about doing it, because he is that special to me.  What is wrong with me?!  I am not the kind of girl who compromises her beliefs for love.  At least I thought I wasn't...until now.

I keep waiting and praying for the day when I'm not so crazy about him anymore.  I know this isn't good for my mind or my spirit.  I've been praying so hard that either God would help something to happen between us or that He would give me the strength and peace of mind to move on.  I've asked friends to pray about it.  I don't know what else to do.

I want him to be happy.  I really do.  I just wish he could see that he could be happier with me.

She wears high heels. I wear sneakers. She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time.  If you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can't you see?  You belong with me. (Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me)

1 comment:

  1. Oh Mallory... I don't even know where to begin.

    I'm not sure if you've read about "The Devirginator" on my blog before? I've only written about him a few times, but... he is one of my best friends. In fact, I was talking to him last weekend when I broke my toe!

    When we were in high school, we used to joke that we were Dawson and Joey. We were extremely close friends, but he was always dating other girls. We never actually dated, and then one day I decided; I wanted to lose my virginity to him. I was so deeply passionately in love with him, and I knew it was him I wasnted to lose it to. I also believed that doing so would make him realize how in love he was with me.

    Well... It didn't actually turn out like that. In fact, things kind of fell apart and we wound up not talking for almost 6 months. It broke my heart.

    I will say, I have never regretted losing my virginity to him. I mean, how many girls can say they lost it to someone who is still in their lives today? But... I also believe that we were never truly in love. We were (and still are) soul mates in many ways, but that doesn't necessarily mean to people are meant to be together. As adults now, it is laughable to think I had ever wanted a future with him. We are incredibly close, but we want two very different things out of life and would never work as a couple. There hasn't been anything romantic between us in years. In fact; we are each others first calls when we need dating advice now!

    I only say all this to say that what you feel now may not be what you feel 5 years from now. I know that is impossible to believe now, and I remember thinking I was so in love that my chest was going to be crushed. I also know I have been in love since, and true love doesn't feel like that. It doesn't feel like life or death. And it doesn't remain un-returned either. I love this man with all my heart, but I've realized since that that was all it ever was. I always loved him, but as far as us being "in love"? It was never there... It just felt like it should be, so I pushed it and tried to force it and when it didn't work out as I had planned; I allowed it to consume me and become all I thought about. Like I said though; true love doesn't work like that.

    I'm not sure whether or not Matt is the guy for you, but I know for me; I never believed there could be anyone else, and then suddenly there was. And now, my dear friend and I have a friendship that I wouldn't give up for anything in this world. One that no one could ever come between, but that will not ever be anything more. And that's OK. It's good in fact. It's the way things were meant to be.

    So as hard as it may be to believe, allow yourself to trust in the fact that this may not be all the universe has to offer. He is very possibly meant to be in your life, but that may just be as a friend. And years from now, you may be more grateful for that friendship than you could ever imagine. You also may see him as someone you would never actually want to be with. Because loving someone, does not mean you could have a functional relationship with them. And these are things you can only learn with time.

    You say he knows of your feelings, so I would trust in that. Unfortunately, life isn't like the romantic movies. If he hasn't acted on those feelings up to this point, the truth is that he probably never will. BUT (and this is a big bad but!) that may not necessarily be a bad thing, and someday you may very well look back on this and laugh at yourself for being so sure when in reality, he was so clearly not the one for you.

    I know that's exactly what happened to me.

    Lots of love to you lady. I've been there, and I know that only time can ease it, but one day... you won't feel this ache anymore. I promise you that.