Sunday, October 24, 2010


All day long, I've been thinking about walls.
Emotional ones, mind you.

This morning, going to church got me all nervous.  Not only was I, an incredibly shy person in crowds of strangers, going to a new church all by myself, something about the fact that I haven't been to church in 4 or so years made it even more terrifying.

I think I've mentioned on here (but maybe I haven't) that I didn't have the greatest experience at my church in my hometown.  When I was in middle and high school, I was a member of the youth band (I love to sing when I have someone to sing with, but solos? Stage fright!) and went to the youth group (MYF - Methodist Youth Fellowship) every Sunday.  But when I got to high school and my seizures got out of control, I started getting harassed.  Not just by the kids, either; I was used to that.  No, even the parents started talking about me.  What gems, huh?

So after one particularly bad Sunday when two of the kids I was in band with screamed at me and called me names and just got really ugly right in front of the youth director, I called my mom to come pick me up.  I left, and never went back.

I'm not saying everyone in the church was mean.  No, definitely not.  There are some adults at that church that have literally been the face of Christ to me and my family.  But I just didn't feel like going and being judged and talked about in the one place where I was supposed to feel comfortable.

I guess you could say it's sort of turned me off to organized religion.  The thing is, though, me not going to church does not make me any less of a Christian.  In fact, there's a thing I saw on Facebook that says "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."  That kind of sums up my feelings.  And all of this rambling should tell you why I was nervous this morning.  However, it actually turned out pretty well.  Despite having to get used to a lot of different things about the service, as this was a Baptist church and I have been a Methodist my whole life, it was pleasant.  Lots of people welcomed me, which made me uncomfortable (hello, shy person!) and happy at the same time.

My point is this:  This morning took down a lot of the emotional walls that I had built up against churches and organized religion.  And while I don't know if I'll go back to that specific church again, I'm glad I had to do it once.  Going and doing a recap of my experience is 10% of my Intro to Christianity grade! :)

The other reason I've been thinking about walls all day?  I have a poetry paper due Friday.  It's an analytical paper on a poem - "Mending Wall" by Robert Frost.  I read it half a dozen times over the past two days, and it finally took me looking it up on Sparknotes to even begin to understand it.  Now that I have half a clue about what it really means, I have to come up with a thesis, and nothing is coming.  I wrote and wrote all sorts of questions and comments like my professor suggested we do as part of our pre-writing, and I can't figure out how to form a thesis and basis for a paper out of it.  And it's freaking me out.  (Big surprise, huh?)  I even tried asking Mom for help, and of course, she doesn't know the poem.  She thinks I shouldn't go to my professor for help tomorrow, but you know what?  This is what she's paid to do, darn it!

Prayers for peace, energy, and the ability to GET THIS DANG PAPER WRITTEN would be greatly appreciated. :)

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