So. Much. Sickness.

It's been...a rough time.

It started out as allergies/a sinus infection the week before Halloween, so I had an antibiotic for that.

Except then, instead of getting better, it moved into my chest and turned into a respiratory infection, so I had to get a different antibiotic and basically lived on cough drops for several days.

I started getting better for a few days.

Then, I got the cold from hell. I knew it wasn't a sinus infection because my snot was clear (TMI? sorry), which meant there was nothing the doctor could do, so I just had to ride it out.

Except it wouldn't. end. I even got the fun sore throat and swollen lymph nodes to go along with it. And my usual regimen of Benadryl and Sudafed only seemed to make it angry.

I finally stopped sneezing a couple of days ago, but I still haven't shaken this chest pain and cough. And I've been having to do even more for my mom than usual because she got a tooth pulled on Wednesday, so she's pitiful and who really cares if I'm sick?

On the upside, my neurologist wrote me a prescription for a migraine nasal spray (who knew there was such a thing?), instead of just giving up on treating me like he was originally saying. It has the same central ingredient as the DHE infusion I did twice while I was at Campbell, so I'm cautiously optimistic. I've done it a few times so far. I haven't really noticed a difference, but my sinuses are still swollen, so I have no idea how much of this headache is also a sinus headache. That's the fun part of being screwed up on multiple levels. Ha.

Ha. Anyway, I'm tired. I have laundry to do. I just wanted to get on here and document what the past two weeks have been. In short: sick.

The past few days.

You know your life is kind of sad when you are as excited to go to the doctor as I was to go to the neurosurgeon on Thursday.

Too bad nothing good really came of it.

The doc was irritated because my neurologist sent me to him before doing all the tests he could have done, and I didn't have all my records from Duke and my brain surgeries, because no one told me I needed to bring them. He needs to run a bunch of other tests plus get all the records from Duke before he can tell me anything. So I have to a) get Duke to fax him all my records, b) get Duke to mail me CDs of all my scans to bring to my next appointment, c) get a bunch of labs, d) get a shunt series (X-rays), and e) get checked out by a neuro-ophthamologist. I talked to my old neurosurgeon from Duke's office yesterday, and they emailed me a release form that I can print out, fill out, scan, and email back to them, so I've got to talk to my uncle tomorrow since he's bringing me meds anyway. I'll get the labs done next Monday the 25th at my primary care. The shunt series can be done as a walk-in next time I go down to see this doc. They sent the referral to the neuro-ophthamologist who will call me to make an appointment. Hopefully the fact that I don't have vision insurance won''t prevent me from being seen. Also, usually when a shunt is infected, there is redness around it, but there's not around mine, so that's a good sign; however, he's very concerned about how sensitive I am to touch on my head, so he "hopes it comes together quickly," because it's not a good sign that I can't stand for my head to be touched. If the labs and X-rays don't show anything, all he can do is tap my shunt, which he really doesn't want to do because of my history of meningitis (Duke docs are pretty sure I got meningitis thanks to them tapping my shunt when the valve broke). Meanwhile, I get to spend another month or so in constant, unexplainable, excruciating pain.

So...that's fun.

Yesterday, Mom and Mommom left for 10 days in Pennsylvania. I was going to go, but decided that I'd rather have 10 days to myself and hopefully be able to get some job applications done. (So far, that's been a no go thanks to my freakin head.) The silence is weird, but refreshing. My aunt and uncle are leaving on Tuesday, so then it'll just be me and Chelsea in town, but I don't even have to see or talk to her every day, so it's no big deal.

Today, I woke up feeling pretty good (well, pretty good for me, anyway) so I thought that after my afternoon of sports, I'd be good to get some work done. Ha! Guess again. As soon as the last game I cared about was over, my head felt so explosively painful I couldn't do anything but sleep. I can still barely turn my head. On the upside, the Wolfpack won, so there's something, I guess.

Sigh. I'm so tired of feeling like shit.

Here's hoping tomorrow is better. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Story of my life.

I think I can...I think I can...

10 days.

That's what stands between me and North Carolina.

I have to get a thesis plan together for next semester, plus write my two final papers.

That's it.

I've also had a couple good interviews for possible internships, so I'm hopeful that that will work out.

I'm so ready for a break.

This just seems like so much to do in the next 10 days...mostly because I have had a killer headache for four days.

Like, the kind of headache that has kept me up miserable so late at night that I have overslept two days in a row. Yesterday for my interview and today for class. Ugh.

But it'll get done.

I hope so.

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...

It's been a rough few days.

Saturday night, a bunch of symptoms set in that, long story short, made me seriously question if something was wrong with my shunt because of the speed at which they grew and how intense they got.

Twelve hours in an ER, scans, examinations, meds, and lots of miscommunications later, and apparently, my migraines, which haven't really plagued me in months and never with the set of symptoms I got Saturday night, are back and worse than ever.

Which is just, you know, super timing.

So I really haven't done much of anything but sleep since then.

The good news is I'm still seizure free, which is huge progress. The ER told me to follow up with my neurologist, and I already have an appointment set up with him for next week anyway.

I just need the pain to go back down, because classes start in a week and I will be hearing back about the internship any day now which means I could start any day.

For now, though, I'm going to go take a hot shower because I had to go with Holly to do my build up of almost three weeks worth of laundry (not my fault, Holly was on vacation and then worked doubles all of last week) so now I am super sweaty and gross.

Tomorrow, I've got a psychiatry med appointment, and then I plan on doing nothing but read this book for the launch team I'm on. (Jeff Bethke's new book, stay tuned!)

So. There's this.

So let's recap some things I didn't talk about in yesterday's post because it was Mother's Day.

I've been seriously contemplating quitting my job. Mostly due to the seizures I've had and the fact that it's hard on my body and it's so hot there with the AC broken and no clue when it will be fixed (see: seizure flare-up). But also because I need to do something that doesn't kill so many brain cells.

Yesterday: Up till 7 am unable to sleep for unknown reasons.

Missed church.

Slept.

Went to work.

Talked to the shift lead (she's super sweet) right after my dinner break. Told her I would do my best to make it through the shifts that are already on the confirmed schedule, but I was feeling like this was really what I needed to do.

30 minutes later: seizure.

Paramedics came.

Told them I didn't think I needed to go to the ER.

Had another seizure, falling on the paramedic.

Told the manager I couldn't come back. Period.

Usual ER trip, with the addition of learning the DEA has a file on me with red flags. AWESOME. -_- (Hey, DEA. I have a long medical history with a lot of problems. I'm not a drug addict. But thanks for the concern.)

Home. Unable to sleep.

Today: Migraine.

Turned in EU paper.

Turned in official letter of resignation to work.

Lots of sleep.

I planned to start work on the last paper, but meh. I still have time and it just was not going to happen today. Oh well.

The Headache from You-Know-Where

Well, turns out when you slam your head into a hard floor repeatedly, you bruise the tissue on your scalp. And when you bruise the tissue on your scalp, you wake up next day with the headache from hell.

So needless to say, I took 3 Vicodin over the course of the day and basically didn't move from my bed until 9:00 tonight when I managed to get up, watch my usual Wednesday television, and finally FINALLY start on the first of the three papers that are still hanging over my head.

But um, yeah, that was my Wednesday in a nutshell.

I have few thoughts today.

Today was one of those days where I couldn't wake up.

I smacked my head on the wall in the seizure last night, at least that's what I'm assuming considering the position I woke up in and the stinging I had in one spot after, and I had a terrible headache by the time the EMTs showed up, but I thought that wouldn't make a difference since I was sitting very close to the wall when it happened. It normally only takes me a few hours for my body to recalibrate and get back to normal.

Well, I had a killer migraine today. Between that and all the emotions from last night and the lingering anxiety of what tomorrow and the coming days could bring (regarding numerous things, but mostly the Cushing's blood test), it's like my body just shut down for a day.

I don't even know what else to say. I'm just feeling beaten down, to be quite honest. But tomorrow's a new day.

Not in the mood for this again.

My migraines were getting better.

And then Friday happened.

On the one hand, I have Dilaudid to help ease the pain and sleep through it.

On the other hand, I can't do anything but sleep because it's been so long since I've had any Dilaudid.

I have a paper due Thursday.

Lord, help me.

I can't think of a title for this post. Sorry about that.

I stayed up until almost 3 am this morning trying to get Bitcoin to work so I could get money to this one person who would sell me their tickets, and then because I couldn't get the money to transfer from my bank to the Bitcoin wallet in less than 4 business days and she was only willing to hold two tickets until Saturday, the whole thing started stressing me out so bad that I started crying uncontrollably. And that, my friends, was when I knew I needed to go to bed.

And then both people I was trying to see if I could get tickets from sold them all by noon today. Because of course.

So between the staying up until 3 am frantically working on the Internet (I must have tried a dozen different Bitcoin websites) and the falling asleep after sobbing for like 45 minutes, I spent the day in bed with a massive migraine.

I finally managed to get up around 5:00 and eat something, and then got to work. Holly and I had to do laundry tonight, so I even took my computer to the laundromat and worked while we waited for the clothes. And guess what? I got the whole third section of my paper done, and it actually turned out to be almost 10 pages. It looks like my paper may be more than 30 pages, I hope my professor doesn't have a problem with that. I have one more section plus the conclusion left.

So despite most of my day being totally shot, my night was very productive. Yay for that.

Tomorrow, I have to get up super early because I have to go get an EEG done and then go for a checkup with the neurologist. I better get to bed.

It's strange to use "only" and "concussion" in the same sentence.

So, good news is I only seem to have a mild concussion from Wednesday, which would be enough to cause the memory issues I've had since I hit my head. I was thankful to actually get checked out, since the ER didn't do anything except clean up the area of my head and seal the wound and tell me to go home.

And then I came home and fell asleep for several hours because I didn't sleep much last night. Probably because I'd slept all day from the awful pain from the hit. And also because I ran out of Vicodin that allowed me to sleep through my shoulder pain on Monday.

When I woke up, I went and got my new set of keys from my super (hooray! that man is awesome, seriously), checked my box and found a Vicodin prescription that my surgeon sent me to get me to surgery because I can't get a pain management place to call me back. Then I went to the pharmacy. I got that filled, and found out that even though my primary care said she was sending in a Levothyroxine prescription when I left her office today because my endocrine doctor is now on medical leave so I can't get it from her she actually didn't send it in, but luckily I still have a few more pills. I also bought an ice pack that the pharmacist said would be excellent for my shoulder surgery and an Ace bandage type thing just in case the strap that is on the ice pack doesn't work, because that's happened to me before. Then I went to Supper for some lemon pasta because, well, it's lemon pasta and since I had all my keys now, my roommate didn't have to wait around to make sure I could get back in the apartment.

I came back and got caught up in random TV shows for several hours. The roommate made a cake for absolutely no reason. Holly came home and we watched John Oliver and The Big Bang Theory. I probably should have been reading stuff for Monday, but oh well. My head seems to finally be healing from Wednesday, so I might actually be able to focus on reading something tomorrow. That's seemed pretty impossible the past few days.

I really hope my blog takes a more positive tone soon. I feel like I've had nothing but bad news for a while now and I don't like it. Sorry for being such a downer, but I'm doing my best.

Migraine day.

My plans for today got upended by the fact that I couldn't do anything but sleep.

Thanks, migraine.

There is nothing that I can really say.

Today was a terrible migraine day, so I spent most of the day in bed.

I did manage to mark 12 more videos off the to do list, though.

Granted, most of them were already transcribed in my inspiration tag here, so there wasn't nearly as much work involved on them, but hey, complete is complete!

Also, got news that within the next few days, my loan money will be in my account, so yay for that.

And now I'm going to bed because staring at the computer this long has made my eyes hurt really bad.

As a parting gift, this is the song I've currently got on repeat: "Too Close" by Alex Clare.

Blah.

That's how I feel about Monday.

I'm writing this post at about 5:30 am on Tuesday because I fell asleep about 9:00 from a terrible headache.

I don't feel like writing much about Monday because it was not a good day.

The funeral was, well, a funeral.  There were a lot of lovely things said about Uncle Ed but it was still a funeral.

It was pouring rain most of the day.

And the housing situation in NYC is a disaster.  They can't find a place that doesn't need a guarantor so it looks like we'll probably end up in Brooklyn.  With a stranger for an added roommate.  Oy.

Okay, back to sleep now because my head is still pounding.

Frustrated with myself.

Was supposed to walk today.

Was supposed to do financial aid stuff today.

Couldn't even open my eyes until after 8 pm.

I didn't want to take another day off but my body will not cooperate.

So aggravating.

Praying this surgery on the 23rd on my eyes will fix my headaches, too.

Sister Stories and School

Last night did not end how I expected it to.  Just as I was going to bed, I saw on Holly's Facebook that Mom was at her apartment.  So I called to find out why she was there.  Michael answered Mom's phone and asked me if I'd be okay if I didn't talk to her because they were "having an in-depth conversation." (What?)  Mom then got on the phone and told me that she randomly called up her big brother from her college fraternity the other day and he invited her and her boyfriend to this wine festival in Raleigh this weekend.  Her boyfriend decided not to go, but Mom went anyway and spent the night with Holly.  They went to dinner where Holly works, where Mom spent the whole time singing at the top of her lungs with the musician that was there (because of course she did), and then they went back to Holly and Michael's apartment and got drunk.

It was funny enough listening to Mom, but then Holly asked to get on the phone.  I thought she just wanted to say hi, but then she spent the next ten minutes rambling at me.  How great it was to have Mom there, what fun they were having.  Asking me if she'd told me how proud of me she is about NYU, and when I responded that she had several times, telling me that she didn't think it was enough and that she needed to tell me again that she was really, really, really proud and oh my gosh her BABY SISTER is moving to NEW YORK CITY and do I have any idea how jealous she is? (About as jealous as I would be if I were in her shoes.)  And then about how mad she is at herself for wasting so many years out of school.  I couldn't stop laughing because I've never been around or talked to her when she was drunk before.  And then, the most hilarious part of all was when she started apologizing to me for how awful she treated me when I was little (I'm talking, like, ages 7-10 little).  It was so funny because a) I have absolutely no idea where that came from and b) I'm pretty sure that's the first time she's ever apologized for that and c) she was apologizing for stuff that happened over a decade ago.  It was gold.  I was crying from laughter by the time I got off the phone.  I can't wait to see her next weekend!

Today was spent mostly in bed because I couldn't see straight thanks to my stupid head.  I'm going to call on Monday since I haven't heard from my eye doctor's surgery coordinator that she has a date for me yet, and she should by now.  I'm praying that whatever is going on with my eyes is what has my headache in such bad shape and totally unresponsive to anything, because it's been more than 18 months of constant pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I am so. tired.

Once I did manage to get up, I did what I normally do on Saturday nights: laundry, shave/shower/pluck my eyebrows, and homework.  I live an exciting life.  I just keep thinking that the end is in sight, and my life will be so much less complicated once I turn this Seminar paper in on Thursday.

Okay, back to try to get a bit more written before I give up and go to bed so I can be rested for church in the morning.

Neck Deep in Paper Writing

Oy.

My eyes hurt.  They have since 1 am last night.  Which means I yet again did not get a good night of sleep.

I'm trying to work on the second draft of my seminar paper to turn in tomorrow, but I'm seriously considering just going to bed and getting up early tomorrow to work because of how much pain I'm in.

And then, as soon as I finish that tomorrow, I have to get right back to work on my Political Thought paper that is due Friday.  Pretty sure this is the first time in all of college (so really, the first time ever) that I've had two giant papers due right on top of each other.

I will not miss this week when it is over.  That is for sure.

I was going to write something important tonight.

But I can't remember what it was.

Because I've been awake since 7:15, had a tutoring session, two classes, and a whole lot of work outside of that.

Plus a State/Carolina basketball game that was a total rip-off for the Wolfpack and dealing with obnoxious Carolina fans afterwards.

And lots of stress in many different areas.

So right now, my head is the worst it's been in recent memory and my eyes feel like they're going to pop out of the sockets.

And all I want to do is get in the hot shower that is waiting for me and sleep for several hours until I have to get up and write an assignment that was actually due yesterday.  But thanks to my professor answering my email at 11:00 tonight, I actually have the info to write it now.

God bless my professors and the whole Campbell faculty.

And GO PACK.

That is all.

Nada

Another terrible migraine day.

11:00 and I'm finally able to think about doing something.

Ugh.

Spirit, lead me.

I'm pretty sure the Botox has stopped working.

I mean, I obviously don't want to/can't say anything definitive yet as it's only been a week since the last injection, but considering how much pain I've been in over the past week, and how vastly different it has been compared to the first week after each of the other injections, it feels like a pretty safe bet to make.

I know, I know, don't be a pessimist.

Anyone who really knows me knows I don't like being a pessimist.  That was exactly why I went over to see Austin today.  Because after sitting in my room all day trying to focus on work but getting pretty much nowhere (and I have to read 426 pages by Friday morning. And prepare 4 essays.  Ugh), I really couldn't get out of my own head.  And I knew I could be honest with him without being judged but still get a different perspective.  One of the first things I told him is that he knows how much I hate feeling sorry for myself.

Somehow, I've become convinced that getting mad means that I don't trust God, that I don't have the faith that I thought I had.  That's what I've been told...a lot.  That anger and trust are mutually exclusive emotions.  That's what I was raised to believe, and even though I know it's wrong now, I don't always realize it's my former church-raising talking when I get thoughts like that in my head.  So then I was getting mad at myself for getting mad.  Because I had this voice in my head going "Don't you believe that God is still the same God He was last week, the God that's kept you from having a seizure since last Monday?  What's wrong with you?"

I do.  I do believe that.  I don't have a doubt in my mind that God is still as good as He was yesterday and last year and the night I got baptized.  And I'm starting to understand that getting angry and having questions doesn't change that.  As Austin explained it, I was mixing blind obedience with trust.  Just because I get mad and I have questions and I'm not sure I like how things are going (or I'm sure that I don't), that doesn't mean that I don't trust that God is going to get me through it.  Austin said, "To me, trust is knowing that things might not work out, they might go horribly wrong, but I still have Him.  I have Him.  I know He hasn't left and He's right there in the middle of it with me."

So this is where I am tonight.  I'm mad.  I'm mad that this pain has been going on for almost 17 months without stopping.  I'm mad that things feel like they just keep piling up.  I'm mad that there seems to be one more obstacle standing in the way of me graduating on May 10.

And I'm scared.  I'm scared that if this pain doesn't stop soon, my body is going to break.  I'm scared that I'm not going to have the energy to get everything done in the next three months.  And I'm scared - sometimes I'm downright, sob-inducing terrified - that the life the Lord has planned for me, the life I know that I want to follow because I know He loves me so well, is going to include a whole lot more physical pain.

But then, I look at those words, and I think about the words that Austin began his prayer with earlier tonight. "Thank You for Mallory.  Thank You for her life, and for her testimony.  Thank You for what she does for people because of You and for Your Kingdom."  And then I'm reminded that all of this, even as awful as it feels to live through a lot of the days...it is so worth it.  Because it's not just strengthening other people, it forces me to rely completely on the Lord.  This isn't about me.

I know that I trust Him, because I know that He is the only one who can give me peace with this whole situation, and I'm praying that He will.  Soon.

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?  And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

Migraine day.

Didn't even go to class.

Have been in bed all day.

Got up at 7:45 to eat and try to do work.

The eating was successful, the working not so much.

Mom's okay.  They said it was a spasm in her esophagus.  Thanks for praying.

Going back to bed now.