Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Spirit, lead me.

I'm pretty sure the Botox has stopped working.

I mean, I obviously don't want to/can't say anything definitive yet as it's only been a week since the last injection, but considering how much pain I've been in over the past week, and how vastly different it has been compared to the first week after each of the other injections, it feels like a pretty safe bet to make.

I know, I know, don't be a pessimist.

Anyone who really knows me knows I don't like being a pessimist.  That was exactly why I went over to see Austin today.  Because after sitting in my room all day trying to focus on work but getting pretty much nowhere (and I have to read 426 pages by Friday morning. And prepare 4 essays.  Ugh), I really couldn't get out of my own head.  And I knew I could be honest with him without being judged but still get a different perspective.  One of the first things I told him is that he knows how much I hate feeling sorry for myself.

Somehow, I've become convinced that getting mad means that I don't trust God, that I don't have the faith that I thought I had.  That's what I've been told...a lot.  That anger and trust are mutually exclusive emotions.  That's what I was raised to believe, and even though I know it's wrong now, I don't always realize it's my former church-raising talking when I get thoughts like that in my head.  So then I was getting mad at myself for getting mad.  Because I had this voice in my head going "Don't you believe that God is still the same God He was last week, the God that's kept you from having a seizure since last Monday?  What's wrong with you?"

I do.  I do believe that.  I don't have a doubt in my mind that God is still as good as He was yesterday and last year and the night I got baptized.  And I'm starting to understand that getting angry and having questions doesn't change that.  As Austin explained it, I was mixing blind obedience with trust.  Just because I get mad and I have questions and I'm not sure I like how things are going (or I'm sure that I don't), that doesn't mean that I don't trust that God is going to get me through it.  Austin said, "To me, trust is knowing that things might not work out, they might go horribly wrong, but I still have Him.  I have Him.  I know He hasn't left and He's right there in the middle of it with me."

So this is where I am tonight.  I'm mad.  I'm mad that this pain has been going on for almost 17 months without stopping.  I'm mad that things feel like they just keep piling up.  I'm mad that there seems to be one more obstacle standing in the way of me graduating on May 10.

And I'm scared.  I'm scared that if this pain doesn't stop soon, my body is going to break.  I'm scared that I'm not going to have the energy to get everything done in the next three months.  And I'm scared - sometimes I'm downright, sob-inducing terrified - that the life the Lord has planned for me, the life I know that I want to follow because I know He loves me so well, is going to include a whole lot more physical pain.

But then, I look at those words, and I think about the words that Austin began his prayer with earlier tonight. "Thank You for Mallory.  Thank You for her life, and for her testimony.  Thank You for what she does for people because of You and for Your Kingdom."  And then I'm reminded that all of this, even as awful as it feels to live through a lot of the days...it is so worth it.  Because it's not just strengthening other people, it forces me to rely completely on the Lord.  This isn't about me.

I know that I trust Him, because I know that He is the only one who can give me peace with this whole situation, and I'm praying that He will.  Soon.

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?  And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

post signature

No comments:

Post a Comment