New Plans

I got a call yesterday afternoon from my foot surgeon's office telling me that he had a cancellation for next Friday the 15th and asking me if I would like to move my surgery up by two weeks. Uh, HECK YEAH I WOULD. My foot has been driving me absolutely nuts. Two less weeks of being in miserable pain is always something I will say yes to. This means that we are on a big time crunch, though, in getting my papers signed and clearance done, so I have to go to my doctor's other office in a different town to sign the papers on Monday (because he's not in the office where I normally see him that day), and call on Monday and reschedule my surgical clearance with my primary care and pray they can get me in on Tuesday because the surgical coordinator has to get the clearance forms to the hospital Wednesday morning. I couldn't call yesterday because they close early on Fridays and had already closed for the day by the time I got the call about the cancellation. So there's that. But I'm sure it will get done. I'm just glad I told the coordinator weeks ago to keep me in mind should my doc get a cancellation!

So my weekend was already off to a good start. Then today, Mom and I went over to my uncle and aunt's house for lunch because my cousin Dustin is home visiting from the Coast Guard. My uncle loves to cook, and there was so much good food I could hardly stand it. Then, I drank several mugs of hot chocolate and hung out with them and watched the MLS Cup Final (boo you, Toronto), and then my uncle drove me home afterwards (because Mom and Mommom had both already left earlier). It was so nice to get to do something different and be with other people for a change, especially since Dustin is home. My life is very monotonous, and it's only going to feel even more so after Friday, so I thoroughly enjoyed getting to mix it up for once.

Getting to see this cool kid was just icing on the cake. :)

The past few days.

You know your life is kind of sad when you are as excited to go to the doctor as I was to go to the neurosurgeon on Thursday.

Too bad nothing good really came of it.

The doc was irritated because my neurologist sent me to him before doing all the tests he could have done, and I didn't have all my records from Duke and my brain surgeries, because no one told me I needed to bring them. He needs to run a bunch of other tests plus get all the records from Duke before he can tell me anything. So I have to a) get Duke to fax him all my records, b) get Duke to mail me CDs of all my scans to bring to my next appointment, c) get a bunch of labs, d) get a shunt series (X-rays), and e) get checked out by a neuro-ophthamologist. I talked to my old neurosurgeon from Duke's office yesterday, and they emailed me a release form that I can print out, fill out, scan, and email back to them, so I've got to talk to my uncle tomorrow since he's bringing me meds anyway. I'll get the labs done next Monday the 25th at my primary care. The shunt series can be done as a walk-in next time I go down to see this doc. They sent the referral to the neuro-ophthamologist who will call me to make an appointment. Hopefully the fact that I don't have vision insurance won''t prevent me from being seen. Also, usually when a shunt is infected, there is redness around it, but there's not around mine, so that's a good sign; however, he's very concerned about how sensitive I am to touch on my head, so he "hopes it comes together quickly," because it's not a good sign that I can't stand for my head to be touched. If the labs and X-rays don't show anything, all he can do is tap my shunt, which he really doesn't want to do because of my history of meningitis (Duke docs are pretty sure I got meningitis thanks to them tapping my shunt when the valve broke). Meanwhile, I get to spend another month or so in constant, unexplainable, excruciating pain.

So...that's fun.

Yesterday, Mom and Mommom left for 10 days in Pennsylvania. I was going to go, but decided that I'd rather have 10 days to myself and hopefully be able to get some job applications done. (So far, that's been a no go thanks to my freakin head.) The silence is weird, but refreshing. My aunt and uncle are leaving on Tuesday, so then it'll just be me and Chelsea in town, but I don't even have to see or talk to her every day, so it's no big deal.

Today, I woke up feeling pretty good (well, pretty good for me, anyway) so I thought that after my afternoon of sports, I'd be good to get some work done. Ha! Guess again. As soon as the last game I cared about was over, my head felt so explosively painful I couldn't do anything but sleep. I can still barely turn my head. On the upside, the Wolfpack won, so there's something, I guess.

Sigh. I'm so tired of feeling like shit.

Here's hoping tomorrow is better. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Story of my life.

A lot of soccer this weekend. And a lot of driving.

And a LOT of time with my grandmother.

Brianna's college soccer team was playing at Duke today. That's 6-6.5 hours round trip. Mom didn't go.

And they're playing at William & Mary in Virginia on Sunday. That's probably going to be 9 hours round trip. And Mom's not planning on going to this game either.

Which means I have ALL that time in the car with my grandmother by myself listening to her bitch about every. little. thing for a total of four hours of soccer and maybe one hour total of actually seeing Brianna play.

And I don't have a phone battery that lasts me long enough for either of these trips, or a portable phone charger.

The upside, though, is that the Campbell boys are also playing today and Sunday, and I can stream their games in the car on the way home on my grandma's tablet.

I hope I at least get some good sleep tonight and tomorrow, because I slept like crap last night, and I know that definitely didn't help matters.

Lord, help me.

What now?

I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life next.

I was so set on applying to PhD programs, convinced that that was my next step, that I started telling everyone who asked that I wanted to be a college professor, which I really did (do?), but now that I didn't get into any programs two years in a row, and you need a PhD to do that (you can be an adjunct with a Master's, but they don't make enough to live on as a full-time income), I really don't know what I want to do or be now.

I know I'm going to start job hunting now, but what am I even supposed to look for? How do you apply for jobs when you have no idea what you want to do? I suppose I'm just going to apply for anything and everything, mostly because I'm desperate to get the hell out of this house and this town as quickly as possible, but it's really rather depressing because it feels like everyone around me either already knows what they're doing or has a specific goal in mind, and I'm in this weird fog in which I don't have the slightest clue what direction I'm headed.

You know what really doesn't help, though? The only people that are physically right here with me, the only people I spend time with, my family, don't seem to believe in me or that I can do it. My mom accused me of sabotaging myself from getting into Montreal because I "either can't or don't want to handle the anxiety of growing up," which is absolutely insane because all I want to do is be on my own. She wonders why I don't talk to her anymore about anything personal; it's because she says crap like that. My grandma has given me three separate lectures on finding a job close to home because she doesn't think I'll make it if I move far away on my own. And while I do enjoy proving people wrong, it's really exhausting. I know that I'm lucky to have friends all over the place who believe in me; I just wish I had someone right here who did.

Is the thought of growing up and moving out on my own? Yeah, of course it is. But my life has been filled with scary things that I've not shied away from and done anyway. I don't know why they're expecting this to be different.

But you know what? I was texting Jay last night (thank you, WhatsApp), and he reminded me that while ideally, everyone would have a supportive family, sometimes it just doesn't work out like that, and I can't let their disbelief affect my self-esteem. My worth isn't dependent on what they, or anyone, say I'm capable of. I just have to focus on who I am, the gifts that I know I have, and what I know I want and am capable of.

God's going to lead me in the right direction. I just have to have faith. Everything and everybody else is just background noise.

Graduation Recap

Well, this was a crazy couple of days. Graduation! Mom and Mommom got in Tuesday night, and I brought them my gown because Mom was going to iron it for me (bless her), but we all mostly just crashed because they were exhausted from the travel.

Bright and early Wednesday morning, Holly and I met them at their hotel. Mom did my hair for me because I needed to bobby pin the cap on, and we decided to go with this hairstyle for comfort and neatness. I liked it a lot.

One long-as-heck cab ride to the Bronx, and we landed here around 9:30.

And Holly took a picture once I got my gown and hood on.

Unfortunately, it wasn't until after we went our separate ways (graduates and guests had to enter from two different gates) that I learned I had to take the cap off to go through the metal detector. Luckily, a nice lady coming through behind me helped me get it bobby pinned back on in at least a reasonably neat manner.

I was in my seat a little after 10:00, so I had some time to kill. How else would I kill time besides pictures? I sent this one to a bunch of people I knew would be excited to see it.

And this one

I took because everyone else was taking pictures in the stands, so I figured why not? I needed something to keep me awake because I'd only slept like an hour and a half. (Holly hadn't slept at all.)

Then, the "All-University Commencement" started. The one remotely cool thing about it was seeing Billy Crystal get an honorary doctorate. I kept falling asleep, so towards the end of the ceremony when stuff for my school was done, I got a text from Mom saying they had already gone outside because it was freezing where they were in the stands, and I said screw it. Rule-follower me was overruled by the bored me who needed to get up and move.

I was so tired that I couldn't remember exactly where I was supposed to meet them based on Mom's text, but thank the Lord Holly had the foresight to wait in a spot where we could find each other. I ripped my gown off as soon as I saw her because despite the fact that the weather said it was supposed to be 60s and cloudy all day, it was about 75 and sunny and polyester is HOT. We walked a couple of blocks trying to get a cab, but when we realized it wasn't going to be easy to find one, Mommom and I went and sat down in a tavern on the street corner while Mom and Holly tracked one down.

Once they finally did, we came back down to our place and ate lunch at Spiegel (they let me pick since it's "my week"). While we were eating, Mom decided we should all get mani-pedis because a place nearby has a really good deal. Well, I couldn't even stay awake while the sweet lady working on me did my fingers, so I told Mom that even though we were supposed to try to go see a cheap show, I really just needed to sleep. And so did Holly. 

I was passed out cold by 5:15. Not kidding.

Today, Mom and Mommom weren't feeling well, I was still exhausted, and Holly had to work, so I slept in, ate lunch, took a shower, and meandered my way up to their hotel in Midtown around 2:15. By the time I got there, though, I had a terrible migraine, and they had the most comfortable bed I've ever laid on in a hotel (thank you, 4.5 stars and the deal we got on you), so I ended up sleeping until close to 4:30. My ceremony wasn't starting until 8:00, but I had to be there at 6:30, so we had to get ready for dinner then. I decided to wear my hair down tonight, because I liked how it was laying.

Their hotel just so happens to be across the street from the famous Algonquin Hotel, so we decided to go there for the experience. I got this for my meal.

Now, just about anyone who knows me knows that I love love love me a good steak. Well, this was OUT OF THIS WORLD good. I didn't even want sauce or anything with it like I usually have with my steaks, because, as I told the server, I couldn't imagine doing anything to mess with the impeccable flavor. My mouth is watering again just thinking of this steak.

The Algonquin is the famous hotel where the satirist and journalist Dorothy Parker and her colleagues had their "round tables" after work. This is a beautiful painting they have in the dining room of one of those round table dinners. They also have the round table (sitting in its original spot, I believe) because of course they do. #history

Then, we headed here.

A perk of going to a school like NYU is that, because they don't have sports teams, they don't have their own facilities to host graduations and events like this, which means we get to go to cool places for our events. Exhibit A: Yankee Stadium yesterday. Exhibit B: this tonight. 

Holly wasn't with us yet, so I asked a guy standing near us when we got out of the cab and got my cap and gown on if he would take a couple pictures for me. He was very nice and said sure.

Then, I asked a RCMH worker if there was any way I could go in early because I couldn't stand up very long and they weren't opening the doors as early as they said. They let me in, and I went to the bathroom and got to my seat before it got crazy. There were no assigned seats for this, which means I got to sit front row. More leg room plus first row for the walking/hooding part of the night plus the perfect view of the stage = win for me. 

Since I had so much time to kill, I asked one of the workers if I could take a picture on the stage. THE stage. Pretty much everybody who's anybody in the performance world has been on this stage.

So crazy. But the best part is that I asked a woman if I could take this picture, and a little while later, this older gentleman started saying no to other graduates who asked if they could get one. Hehehehe.

Surprisingly, despite having 1,300 names to get through, the ceremony was not nearly as exhausting or boring as yesterday's was. Maybe I was in shock from the feeling of getting hooded.

Afterwards, I found Mom and Mommom at their seats and we went out. The bad news was that Holly went outside to go smoke not aware of the fact that they wouldn't let her back in, and I had to return my cap and gown (NYU only rents them) before I could leave the building, so there isn't a family picture of all four of us with me in my gown. I do have a picture, though.

After that, we went back to Mom and Mommom's hotel and had a drink. Mommom got drunk after that one drink (ha!) so Holly took her upstairs, and then the three of us went to a pub a block away and had a couple more. By then, Mom was exhausted, so we all went home.

And then it was over.

Ah, family.

Woo boy.

I love my grandma, and I'm glad she took me to Myrtle Beach for the week, but good gracious, sticking us in a condo where we have to do literally every single thing together is a recipe for one of us wanting to strangle the other.

It's officially the 30th, which means I have two weeks left with her, but I just have to make it until Saturday here in the condo, and if we don't drive each other completely insane by then, it will be a holiday miracle.

Things can be great with us, but they can also be really tense. Yeah, I know, family. But we both ended up crying earlier over a game of cards. CARDS. There's competitiveness, and then there's just stupid ridiculousness.

The good news is that the movies we have left to see and going to Dick's Last Resort for New Year's Eve should be good distractions from the ways we can get on each other's nerves.

People always say no one knows how to push your buttons like family, and they're right.

It's never dull with us.

Ah, Kropinack family holidays. They never disappoint.

It definitely had a weird fog over it because Mom was there but basically didn't speak, and Dusty wasn't there because he lives in SC now and is part of the Coast Guard, but other than that, it was basically just the kind of weird you would expect when you stick us crazies in a house together and stuff us full of good food.

Blake went ballistic over presents.

We heard all about my cousin Bri's soccer life. My baby cousin flies to India on Sunday as part of a soccer mission trip of sorts. Insane. I still can't believe that girl is almost 17 years old. She is so smart, generous, kind, strong, and talented. I want to be her when I grow up.

We had tons of good food made by Mom, Mommom, and Uncle Kirk.

We reminisced on crazy and silly memories.

Blake spent a solid hour walking up Mommom's stairs, throwing various toys (and one time a porcelain figure from a nativity set that was thankfully still in a box and didn't break) down the stairs, walking back down, then walking back up with it or something else to do it again.

I got clothes I needed, a couple of Wolfpack shirts to add to my collection, and cash. Which is basically all I really wanted or needed.

As crazy and stressful as things can be with this family, I do greatly appreciate it that, for the most part, we can calm things down and actually just enjoy it and each other for a change.

Hope y'all had a Merry Christmas with people you love.

A Nightmare You Can't Wake Up From

Sunday night, on the way back from the airport, my mom and I stopped by her boyfriend's house and found him dead.

It was hands down the most horrifying thing I've ever seen. I'd never even seen a dead body before at a funeral, let alone like that.

Somehow, I had the wherewithal to call 911, because Mom could barely breathe enough to tell me the address to his house. Then we had to deal with the paramedics coming to confirm that there was nothing to be done because he'd been gone too long and the police coming to make a report.

Then came the phone calls. I finally got up with his parents, but Mom took the phone long enough to tell them, which was good seeing as I'd never met or spoken to them before.

Then I texted Holly, called Mom's best friend Julie (a professional psychologist of all things), and got Mommom to bring Uncle Kirk over so they could get me and Mom home since she could barely see straight. As I waited for them, I called Clayton and Pastor Ben because I'd been trying so hard to be strong for Mom at first, but by that point I had lost all sense of composure. Eventually we were clear to leave as his parents and their pastor were there to deal with everything else. I barely slept that night because I couldn't get the images out of my head. I didn't really sleep much the next two nights, either.

Today was the funeral. Mom is my hero. She was so strong, I don't know how she did it. Several of the guys that were in the same fraternity as her and Jim were at the funeral, and I know that did her good. His whole family knew that I was with Mom and found his body with her, so I was getting a lot of attention, too, and all I could think was I shouldn't be a concern here.

I'm just heartbroken for her. Jim's dad told her that he had mentioned that he was "going to get engaged this week". She has loved him since she was 15. She went through a marriage that wasn't good, she sacrificed everything for me and my sisters, she was so close to finally getting her happily ever after, and boom, it was ripped away from her. He was the first fatherly figure I've had since my dad died, so that compounds the anger I feel for my mom.

But there's one thing that has been stuck in my head since Sunday night. "God, I don't know what you're doing, but I know who you are." That's all I've got. And I pray that God will help Mom to find peace in the weeks and months to come.

Please pray, not just for my mom, but for Jim's daughter, who is 18 and in the middle of her senior year of high school, his sister, and his parents. Thanks, y'all.

The irony, considering my history, is not lost on me.

Many parents like to consider the meaning of a name when they're deciding on one for a child they're expecting. While I don't think choosing a certain name will have some almighty power in determining that child's future, I do think that they can be fun and interesting to learn. Which is why I crack jokes about the meaning of my name whenever an appropriate opportunity arises.

Because do you know what Mallory means?

Ill-omened.

Oh, how I wish I was kidding.

But it does make sense since "Mal" means bad in both Spanish and French.

The reason I'm talking about this is because the only remotely interesting thing that happened today was I went to Bingo again with Mommom and Hilda and just like Tuesday, none of us won anything. So I jokingly told them they could blame it on me and my "ill-omened" nature.

In frustrating news, I'm getting sicker again. This is going to be very hard over the next few days since the nebulizer I've been using here in Swansboro is Blake's so I can't take it with me to Campbell because I'll have no way to get it back here. Which means I have 3.5 days of relying on nothing but my inhaler and cough drops. I sure hope this inhaler can last me until I get back. I did just get it today, but I will be using it more than usual without a nebulizer around. I'm back on Prednisone and Mucinex and hopefully that will at least help tide me over.

Needless to say, I will be calling the Student Health Center tomorrow to get an appointment for as soon as possible after I get back to New York. Hopefully Thursday.

This signature seems even funnier considering the beginning of this post, but...

Sometimes I am a senior citizen on the inside.

I’ve been sleeping in my grandmother’s sun room this week (with the blinds pulled down) because that’s where her recliners are and I started sleeping here when I needed to sleep upright. It’s been fine. 

But the one bad thing about sleeping here and on the first floor in this house in general is that when one person is up, EVERYONE is up. And my grandmother gets up between 8 and 8:30 every morning. Which is way earlier than I am used to when I don’t have to be up that early. (Surprisingly, I haven’t taken a single nap this week.)

So all of that is to say that between the early wake up and the lack of wifi, I’ve seen a lot of television at hours when I’ve generally never even though to watch tv. And since my grandmother is, well, my grandmother, I’ve generally been watching whatever she wants. And it’s the same thing every day. Lots of game shows mixed in with a little bit of news. I had no idea Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton from The Fresh Prince) even hosted a game show but he does. I actually really like Let’s Make a Deal and The Price is Right, I just hadn’t watched The Price is Right in a very, very long time before this week and now I like it. After the game shows we watch Steve Harvey at 3, Ellen at 4 (I got her to give in on the Ellen, I like her). And at night, we watch the news, Family Feud, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, more Family Feud, and then the news. I’m actually really good at Wheel of Fortune, I always have been. It’s weird.

But we actually missed our TV ritual tonight because I went with her to the other cliché senior citizen event: Bingo! And it was fun. It was loud and neither of us won anything but we went with my grandma’s best friend who is the funniest old lady you will ever meet in your life. She is just as sarcastic as I am and dishes out as much as I do and I seriously just hope that I am as awesome as she is when I’m in my 70s. And my grandma gets even funnier and more sarcastic when she’s with her best friend; she frequently refers to she and her as “Frick and Frack.” And it’s so accurate.

The only bad news is that my migraine has been out of control since I was on the back from Raleigh Saturday evening and I had got it back down to manageable this afternoon but the lights and all the noise made me sick again tonight. Totally worth it, though. I needed to get out of this house and do something that didn’t involve my grandma being snappy and she’s happy when she plays Bingo even when she doesn’t win.

Let’s play ‘You know you need a new suitcase when…’

Correct answers could include…

The metal snaps in half on the bottom and is and poking through…

You cut your leg on said metal…

The pull-out handle breaks and won’t extend anymore…

And if THAT wasn’t enough for you, how about when the fabric handle completely rips off when you try to pick it up?

Yep. That should do it.

But hey, I got that suitcase before I went to Europe with my grandmother in June 2005, so I’d say we got our money’s worth out of it.

Anyway, my grandma agreed to take me to Belk today because my mom said they were having a big sale, and she was right. I got a new giant suitcase that has four wheels instead of two and thus will be infinitely easier to move and is even bigger and deeper than my old one for $100 instead of the $200 tag, a new tote bag because the one that matched my old suitcase was pretty ripped and ratty for $40 instead of $100, and a new wallet just because mine was super old and nasty for $27 instead of $45, plus I got a discount for applying for a Belk card (even though I told them I knew I’d be denied). That means I got $345 of stuff for $142.60. Woo! Who doesn’t love a good bargain?

I don’t know why a new suitcase is so exciting to me, but I really love this new suitcase. It’s okay, you can call me weird. I’ve accepted it. Normal is overrated.

Crackers and Cowboys

One of the (many) perks of staying at my grandma’s house is that she has an overabundance of food here, specifically snack food. And like the cliché grandmother, she will ask you approximately every twelve minutes if you’re hungry and if you would like (insert almost certainly unhealthy snack here) to eat.

Well, tonight I needed to eat a snack because I was getting lightheaded, so I decided to try this box of crackers that has been sitting on her kitchen counter since I first showed up here last weekend.

Best cracker decision of my life.

Cranberry and Sage Triscuits, if you were not specifically labeled “Limited Edition”, I would buy you in bulk from now until the end of time. You are the perfect cracker. I’ve never bought food off the internet before, but for a good bit, I seriously considered finding you on Amazon and buying as much of you as I could find. This I promise you now: if you appeared because of this Christmas season, I will be on high alert for you next December so we can continue this love affair.

Okay, cheese over.

(Get it? Cheese? Because I’m talking about crackers? Ba dum shh.)

In other grandmother related news, despite the fact that I’ve been alive for 22.5 years, today I learned two very interesting things: my grandmother actually likes and cares about the NFL, and my grandmother REALLY hates the Cowboys. Granted, the second thing isn’t too surprising because my grandmother has a deep prejudice against anything relating to Texas (don’t ask), but it was still a little weird when I turned on the Lions/Cowboys game because nothing else was on tv on this Sunday afternoon and she spent the next 3.5 hours ranting about every little thing that went in the Cowboys’ favor. And on the rare occasion when she wasn’t complaining about the Cowboys, she was asking me about the playoffs and what teams were set up to play who next and all that. I legitimately had no idea she would care. 

Complexities run deep in this family, I know.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Four cold meds, an antibiotic, and round the clock breathing treatments. Merry Christmas to me!

All kidding aside, today was pretty great. Minimal drama from Chelsea, lots of good food, the uncle and aunt and cousins were loads of fun, Blake was here, more money than I expected to get, all good things. So I may have felt absolutely awful, but at least I had fun.

I was really glad to get to see my cousin Dusty because he leaves for boot camp in early March and I definitely won't be back before then. Plus he brought his girlfriend along and I got to meet her and she seems awesome. And he and I get along so well now. I know I say that every time I see him, but it's still kind of weird for me because we really did not get along at all for so many years. I couldn't have imagined the relationship we have now.

After all the cleanup, Mom, Holly, Mommom, and I sat down to watch a movie, which we do after most holiday meals. Small tip? If someone suggests renting the movie "Hit By Lightning" SAY NO. It was bad. Really bad. Like, so bad it was funny just how awful it was. Holly fell asleep halfway through it, Mommom couldn't stop complaining, and Mom couldn't stop laughing about how bad it was.

I, on the other hand, just focused on breathing.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. This holiday comes to a close.

I understand it now.

Oh, how things can change so quickly in 24 hours.

Last night, I was pretty much a ball of stress.  As evidenced by my blunt blog post.  All that was in my head was questions of how we were going to get everything done with the amount of money that we have in the time frame that we have.

Tonight, I feel peace.  God has proven Himself so faithful and I just have this refreshed confidence that everything is going to work out.

A friend from our local church showed up with a check for $900 to go towards our move which can at least partially go towards paying Mom's bills for the month since she has spent so much money on stuff we need she doesn't have money for her bills.

We have the to-do list and everything seems so much more manageable when you can see it all on one sheet.  Plus, Mommom is helping us by giving a trip to Sam's Club and the commissary so we can get some big things and non-perishables down here where it's cheaper than expensive NYC.

We got all of Mom's stuff out of her old classroom, which means we don't have to go anywhere near that school again and the awful new principal that is basically the reason she doesn't have a job right now.

We figured out how we're going to get Holly and all her stuff home.  And she'll be home Monday night instead of Wednesday like we thought.  Which gives two more days for us to have her help and spend time with her.

We got the moving truck booked. (It's really happening!)

And just now, we found out that there's a job opening at a school that is 20 minutes or less away in a county Mom hasn't been black-listed in yet (nothing of her doing, promise) that would be so perfect for Mom if she could get it.  And that would take a million stressors off the table because Mom would have a job and with a job comes health insurance and all those benefits.

Things are working out.  It's gonna be okay.  We've never been starving or homeless before now.  We'll figure it out.  It'll get done.  I'll get to New York.

Of course, we need to deal with that pesky Chelsea problem, but that's a blog post I don't want to get into...

I really do understand the phrase "peace like a river".  As silly as it sounds, I keep thinking about rivers and the peace that I imagine when I think of their gentle flowing.  I know I'm a cheese ball, but it actually makes sense now.

Blah.

That's how I feel about Monday.

I'm writing this post at about 5:30 am on Tuesday because I fell asleep about 9:00 from a terrible headache.

I don't feel like writing much about Monday because it was not a good day.

The funeral was, well, a funeral.  There were a lot of lovely things said about Uncle Ed but it was still a funeral.

It was pouring rain most of the day.

And the housing situation in NYC is a disaster.  They can't find a place that doesn't need a guarantor so it looks like we'll probably end up in Brooklyn.  With a stranger for an added roommate.  Oy.

Okay, back to sleep now because my head is still pounding.

Things change.

At noon today, I thought tonight's blog post would be about my new glasses getting here.  I was going to include pictures and talk about how great it is to be able to see this well again.

That all changed when my mom got home from Jacksonville about 3:15.  I was bringing in the last load of refrigerator stuff from the car and she looked at me and told me to get in her room because she needed to talk to me.  She was so serious that my first reaction was to ask if I was in trouble.  She said no and we walked back there.  Then she looked at me.

My Uncle Ed died last night.

It still doesn't feel real.  I just talked to him yesterday morning at about 10 am.  And then last night he died in his sleep.  I'm glad it was that way if it had to happen.

It just blows my mind how quickly things can change.  And how one of the last things he did on this earth was put more money in my account to make sure I can afford to get an apartment.  One of the last things he did was take care of me and bless me.  Because that's who he was.  He was an angel.  And from what I've read on news articles, he was an angel to many people in his community, too.

When Mom said it, I couldn't speak for about five minutes.  I don't know the last time I felt shock like that.  He was the closest thing I had to a grandfather.  And it's the first major death I've experienced since my dad died, which means it's the first major death that I will remember in detail.  And that sucks.  But he was 83, I think, somewhere around there, and 83-year-olds have health issues and these things happen.  And that's life.

That doesn't make it suck any less, though.

But one of the last things he said to me yesterday was that we should always try our best, but God will take care of us.  And that's what I'm going to remember.  He was an incredible, Godly man and he's with Jesus now.  So as cliche as it sounds, he really is infinitely better off.

There's nothing I can do to change what happened.  What I can do is go to New York and do big things and be successful in my goals for my future.  Because that's what he wanted.  That's how I made him so proud of me.  So that's what I'm going to do.

I am tired now.

I used to believe that people who get all obnoxiously ethnocentric and whine "THIS IS AMERICA WE SPEAK ENGLISH GRRR" were, well, obnoxiously ethnocentric.  And also racist.  But then I spent 2 hours on the phone with a string of incomprehensible Indian people trying to get phone numbers and dollar amounts for the five accounts that the Federal Student Aid people said were keeping them from giving me my loans and I began to think that same thing, "Why can't you people speak comprehensible English?!"  I did it, though.  It cost me $18 and a good deal of my sanity, but I did it.  Which is good timing because I got the check from Uncle Ed and Aunt Dinah today.

Of course, now Mom is stressed that she didn't ask them for enough money and now she won't be able to find me an apartment because you have to pay 2 months of rent plus deposits for utilities and New York is so darn expensive.  But I no longer have the energy to be stressed about it.  It's worked out up until now.  The rest will fall into place somehow.

I have had a massive sinus headache for most of the day, so between that and taking all the trash and recycling out to the road, my energy was pretty much spent.  It's been a lot of The Big Bang Theory (God bless DVR) and talking to Mom because turns out some men don't get any less childish and stupid even when they're 54.  Also, my insecurity?  I come by it honest.  Ha!

Sometimes I wonder if things will ever not be absolutely insane in this family.  I'm gonna go with no. Just a hunch.

Happy 4th.

Or something like that.

No, I'm just kidding, I have awesome news.

Uncle Ed and Aunt Dinah are giving me a loan to pay off the medical debt and to at least pay a large portion of getting into an NYC apartment.

Hallelujah.  I'm so happy about that that I could cry.  Not even kidding.  A HUGE stressor off my mind.  But I won't be totally calm until I have that debt taken care of and the notification from the government that I have my loans.

It's getting real, people.

Today for me: an upset stomach, soccer, and The Big Bang Theory.  Even my mom had plans.  I'm so lame.

The day I'd been waiting for.

PARTY DAY!

Surprising, Mom let me sleep in until about 8:45 before I got up, ate real quick, and we all (us, Holly and Michael) dove headfirst into Mom's party panic mode.  We cleaned and cooked and organized and decorated and I cleaned some more (because nothing is ever clean enough in panic mode) and we finished just as the first guests showed up about 12:40.

From then on it was a whirlwind of amazing food, hostess duties, more food, talking, pictures, more food, laughter and more food.  Not as many people showed up as I had hoped or expected, none of my CU people could come which was depressing, but it all worked out fine (and I still got a hefty gift pile!).

You know me and pictures.  I got a picture with every party guest except for two couples from church who left pretty quickly and my mom's friend from New Bern who stayed the night.

We were down to the "bare essentials party people" (as my mom called it) by 6:00.  We sat on the back deck until midnight talking.  And arguing.  There can't be any day in my family without drama.  But alcohol will do that to anyone, especially this weird freakin' family.  I won't go into the details here because we all screwed up, including me.

I'm glad the day finally got here.  The real end of the era.