Not what I need right now.

Safe to say, my depression is kicking into high gear over the anxiety that though numerous people are sharing my fundraiser, pretty much no one seems to be donating to it.

I couldn't muster the energy to get out of bed today.

I really don't have time for this. But it is what it is.

Thanking God that I have a psychiatry medicine appointment on Monday.

As if being a girl wasn't hard enough.

Any female will tell you that "that time of the month" is absolutely awful.

For me, it can be even more so because of my hormone issues from having my thyroid taken out.

But to take all the "fun" that this time involves and add vomiting up everything I put into my mouth today on top of it just seems cruel.

At least I know it's not some stomach virus I'm coming down with or something because of the timing, which means provided this isn't still happening on Tuesday, surgery will be fine. And in months past when this has happened it's only been a day or two out of the whole week.

But yeah. That was Saturday. Thanking God for the rest I managed to get in between all the nastiness. I sure hope I feel better tomorrow so I can make it to church.

And God, it would be really, really awesome if this whole "time" would end before Tuesday, because I don't even want to think about dealing with it with my good arm totally out of use and while feeling awful from surgery. Please? Thanks.

What else am I supposed to do?

If I didn't know that I took my anxiety medication this morning, I'd think I had forgotten it because, man, I have been a mess all day today.

And then "it" finally showed up and it all made sense.

But in the process I've had a crappy and emotional day culminating in a fight with the roommate who now won't speak to me. I had to resort to sticking a letter under her door in an attempt to apologize. And I cried, even though I don't think I'm the only one at fault and she still won't speak to me even though in my note I attempted to give her what I thought she was asking for. But if I apologized and she is still mad or whatever, is there anything else I can do?

I hate hormones.

I'm also not really a fan of having a roommate I only met when she moved in. Roommates in general are really hard, but I feel like it would have been easier if either Holly or I had known the person that moved in with us. But we have year leases, so I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it and pray she moves out in August.

And tomorrow I have my redo neurology and hospital clearances for surgery, and so I have the added stress on me of trying not to worry that yet another surprise will be thrown at me and my surgery will be delayed again. Ridiculous, maybe, but it's what's in my head.

The one perk of the day is that my UN professor told us we don't have to do reading reviews for the rest of the semester, which eases my workload schedule a good deal. So there's a positive, I guess.

Some days just call for ice cream.

And days that include waiting 20 minutes for a metro to show up

and then it being so packed you can't even try to force yourself to smash in there,

spending the next 20 minutes trying to hail a cab with one bad arm and another that you can't hold up for very long,

finding out your brand new ID doesn't work,

almost being late to class,

having a seizure,

spending the rest of the day with a killer migraine,

and your mother insisting on taking $300 out of your account so she can buy herself a birthday present even though you're barely going to have enough to make it to the end of January when your next set of loans comes in

are pretty much the prime example of ice cream kind of days.

This was really not my day.

Rough Day

I am not a fan of today.

That's all that I have to say.

Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

At the very least, I only have one class, and it's with Ryann, so there you go.

Now, I'm going to go lay in the dark.

Bad timing, universe.

You couldn't have waited for me to get through 4 tests in 4 days and the election before making me feel this awful?  Seriously?

So, uh, yeah.

Today.

I ate.

I went to class.

I did a little homework.

I got sick.

I slept for like four hours.

I took a shower.

And now I've got to get two essays ready for tomorrow before I can go back to bed.

Can it be next Wednesday already, please?

Tonight, my heart just hurts.

I'm extremely tired tonight, and I have to be up at 8:30, so I'm going to make this as quick as possible.

Mom and I went shopping this afternoon for DC stuff.  I hate shopping, but Mom loves it.  It's nice to be that much closer to being totally ready, though.  We only went to Belk, Shoe Carnival, and Walmart, so it was a really fast trip.  It was nice to be out of the house.

The rest of the afternoon/evening/night sucked pretty bad, though.  I couldn't even have a phone conversation with a friend outside because Chelsea would just come outside and scream at me some more, so I've basically done nothing but sit in my room and try to calm the rage that was being brought out of me.  I'm so ready to be out of here.  I can't stand it here.  I love these people, I do, it's just so much better for all of us when I'm not actually living here.

And to be honest, my heart still hurts pretty bad over that blowup with that friend, so I've probably been a little more irritable than usual.  But God's plans are bigger than mine and higher than mine.  His timing is perfect, and if He sees it to be necessary for this friend and I to be apart right now, then I need to deal with that.  I just pray He'll help me heal the pain, because this really hurts.  And it makes all the typical, expected stuff going on with the family feel that much more stressful.

This is a quote from an email I sent to a friend last night.  I think it pretty much sums everything up that's going on in my heart right now.  I know I shouldn't be so angry at myself because I am human and I screw up just like everyone else, but to know I basically chased someone I care very much about away without even meaning to and knowing that (at least for right now) there's nothing I can do to fix it or make it better, well, it just hurts.  It hurts a lot.  And it makes it pretty difficult not to be hard on myself about it because it is my fault.  It's hard not to feel like I'm a horrible friend.  I'm not even mad at this person because I know they were right, I just want to fix it.

Anyway, here's the quote.

"I know I'm changing and growing. I am truly in awe of all that God has done in my life and my heart since that week in Nashville. But when stuff like this happens, I revert back to that scared little girl with no self-esteem who feels like she's a failure and will never be good enough. Why am I so dependent on these people in my daily life when I know and believe with all my heart that I love God and that He is sufficient and here and all that I really need? It's like I've got a ridiculous case of amnesia.  Please, pray with me that God will give me the opportunity to at least explain my heart and my side of it to [this person]. Even if our friendship is done or at the very least never the same again, I want [them] to know who I am and why my heart is the way it is. I want [them] to understand that I didn't mean to do this. I would love a second chance, but what matters more is that [they forgive] me and [understand] my heart."

On to tomorrow.  I really hope it works out that I can see Matt because I could really use one of his hugs right now.  No one can make me feel better like that kid.

A thousand times I fail, still Your mercy remains.

I don't really have anything to say tonight.

Today was bad. Like, really bad.  Probably the worst day I've had this break so far.  But I still have plenty to be grateful for.

A big house full of chores to keep me occupied.

A nephew that can make me laugh just by grinning at me.

Friends who love to remind me that I don't actually suck.

And a God who is always there, always in control, always watching, who never stops loving me even when I act badly, whose mercy never quits.

Change me, God.

I have nothing to say.

Today included French, Economics, and lots of pain.

Really bad pain.

In lots of places.

Pain that made me have to focus all my energy on not throwing up or crying.

Needless to say, sometimes it sucks to be a girl. (And that's only part of the problem today.)

Thankfully, this will end soon.

On to tomorrow.  Yay Friday.  Yay Wolfpack vs Kansas game.

Can I go back to Campbell now?

At least at Campbell I'm not the bad guy all the time.

At least at Campbell I don't get accused of being jealous of people I actually want to be NOTHING like.

At least at Campbell I don't get yelled at no matter what I do.

I'm sick and tired of Holly ALWAYS being the one in the right.  Mom blames the fact that we have no relationship all on me, completely ignoring the fact that I tried for YEARS to forge a relationship with her and got nothing.  I gave up so it's still all my fault.

God I love college.

Focus on Jesus

That's what I've had to repeat to myself about six thousand times today.

Focus on Jesus.

Because frankly, today was hard.  And I am not in a good mood.  And Jesus is all I can really focus on at this point, or I'll cry.

The day started out with Chelsea yelling at me till I cried because I accidentally broke something and ended with me feeling, per usual, left out because when Holly's home Mom doesn't pay attention to anyone else.

I just don't like my family.  Does it suck?  Yes.  Do I wish I felt differently?  Yes.  But that's just how it is when I get tired of being the only one putting in effort and then being ignored.

The one thing that's kept me sane today, aside from God (the obvious), was a visit from this kid.

I can't stand being in this house.  I pray to God that I get this DC internship because I don't know if I can take twelve weeks here this summer.  I'm going crazy.  Being here makes me so depressed.  I can't wait to go back to school.

Thank you God for your mercies that are new each and every morning.  I am thankful for my best friend, Your everlasting love, and that tomorrow is a new day.

Today was not pretty.

I did things I shouldn't have done.

I said things I shouldn't have said.

I cried.

I yelled.

But most importantly, I asked God for forgiveness that I could never deserve, and He gave it to me anyway.

That, my friends, isn't pretty.  It's beautiful.

And that's all I really want to remember about this day.

Maybe I jinxed it.

Here's a quote from my post three days ago.

"On holidays, everyone in my family seems to get along. Especially now that us "kids" are getting older, so Dustin and I really don't fight anymore. Even Chelsea gets a grip on life on holidays."

Heh.  Funny how things can change so drastically in just 72 hours, no?

Today was bad.

I actually did a lot better than I did yesterday in keeping my cool.  I don't think I've yelled once today.  But I've learned over the years that it doesn't do much good if only one person is putting in effort.  Chelsea was horrible, whining and moaning about every little thing and refusing to cooperate and picking fights at every possible opportunity.  That wouldn't have been so bad by itself, because it's certainly not anything any of us aren't used to.  But combine in my mom and grandma yelling back and bitching about everything constantly and taking it out on me when I was actually keeping my mouth SHUT, and you get our family's special brand of hell.  And I get to do it all again tomorrow in front of more family.

It's really sad when it's Thanksgiving, a day where you're supposed to be with family and talk and rejoice in all the good things you have in life, and you're holed up in your room having a really hard time thinking anything except how badly you wish you weren't home.

Oh Lord, please help me to find my inner peace in You, no matter what my family says or does.  Help me to remember all the good things and people I have.  Please just help me.  I need it.

Computer Jinx

Y'all know Holly got in a car wreck in April and totaled her car.  Then, this summer this new (to her) car started having a bunch of problems, and then, when she and her friend Austin came down to Campbell to help me move in, his car died in the parking lot and Mom had to drive them back to Raleigh.  Holly called herself a "car jinx."

Well, just call me a computer jinx.

Ugh.

So last night, my not-even-four-month-old computer crashed.

Okay, well I don't know if it really completely crashed, all I know is I can't use it right now.

I was reading an article about Sara on some website called The Christian Post when my virus scan popped up and said it had detected a threat.  I clicked "Clean Computer" and it did, but it popped up again a minute later, and when I clicked "Clean Computer" again my computer went completely ballistic, the recycle bin disappeared (which I didn't know it could ever do that), and this box popped up that says I have this ginormous long list of problems with my hard drive.  I have no idea what happened or how it happened.

I immediately called my mom sobbing.  She calmed me down a bit, but I basically had to take a Lorazepam to fall asleep because I was so shaken up that I got in bed at 9:30 and didn't fall asleep till 11:00.

I'm still internally freaking out.  I didn't do anything to this one!  I didn't drop it.  I didn't spill anything on it!  I've done nothing to it!  And I don't have any extra money in my CD money to buy another one, and my mom certainly has no money, and my grandma is so pissed about having to help Mom out that I know she has no money, and I need a laptop!  I have this gigantic Scope & Methods project, plus an English paper.

Ugh.  So yes, this all is basically for me to say that once again, I will not be around for a while.  Thankfully I'm going home this weekend for Fall Break, so please pray that the computer place in town can fix it!  Thank you. 

God is in control...God is in control...God is in control...

I am DONE.

Apparently, I'm the only sane one left in this family.

Chelsea's engaged.

To a guy she met on the internet.

THREE WEEKS AGO.

And everyone else? Just seems to accept it.

I'm the only one willing to voice my opinion about how absurd, desperate, and pathetic this whole charade is.

But no, I get told to shut up.  No one bothers to tell the selfish, lazy, incompetent 22-year-old with Borderline Personality that she is NOT in love and should NOT be getting married.

But no, I'm the bad guy because I'm "so mean to Chelsea." Yeah, poor pitiful Chelsea.  The one who's threatened to kill me since I was 8.  The one who just today threatened to hit me because I told her to take Blake out of my arms.  The one who's been the main source of the hell this family has lived in for the past twelve years. 

One thing is for sure - I AM NOT COMING BACK HERE NEXT SUMMER.  I don't care if I don't get the DC internship and I have to do summer school all summer. I AM DONE.  I am done feeling like crap about myself.  I am done being treated like crap by Chelsea.  I am done being blamed for stuff that isn't my fault.  I am done having people mad at me when I've done NOTHING wrong and they should really be mad at Chelsea. 

DONE.

Give Up the Funk

No, this is not an upbeat post like the song.  Sorry in advance.

I'm in a funk right now.

It's hard to explain.

I'm not even 100% sure why.  I've just been in a bad mood the past few days.

First off, I got a stupid sunburn yesterday at the beach and Mom doesn't get paid till tomorrow so I have no aloe.

The weird thing is that things that don't usually bug me are bugging me lately.  Like Matt being busy.  He came over on Thursday and was planning to hang out but like 20 minutes in, his mom called him and told him he had to come see some jazz show so we barely got to spend time together.  He said he was gonna come over the next day. 

Well, he works all night (literally, like 11 pm to 5 or 5:30 am), so he sleeps till the late afternoon.

He did laundry all Friday night and had to celebrate his nana's birthday. 

Saturday, Mom, Chelsea, Mommom and I went to dinner, then he had to celebrate his mom's birthday.

Yesterday morning he went kayaking instead of going to bed, so he literally slept till like 9 pm. 

Today, they went out for Memorial Day.

My point is that after nine years, I'm beyond used to him being tied up all the time, and plans with him changing at the last second, and all that jazz.  It usually doesn't bother me.  But this weekend?  Mom and Chelsea have been particularly hostile, and other people I know have been causing drama, and a visit on Friday has turned into a visit on Tuesday at the earliest and it's pissing me off that I've needed a hug from my best friend, the only person who makes me feel safe, for three days and I can't get his freaking attention long enough for him to even act like he understands that this weekend has been hell.

Plus, as incredibly stupid as it is, I've been having recurring dreams about Landon and on top of everything else, that makes me want to cry even more. 

So yes.  I'm in a funk.  And I'd really like it if it went away real soon.

I think my computer has a virus.

And it's really annoying to use the on-screen keyboard, so I won't be around till I can get it fixed.

Just wanted to tell y'all so you didn't worry. :)

I'm trying really hard to have faith.

I really am.

You have to know that much.

But after what's happened today, it's just shaking.

Last night, my mom was picking on me because she said I was talking out of the side of my mouth like I'd "had a stroke or something". 

I didn't feel anything or notice anything, so I just blew it off and thought she was being silly.

Well, I got up this morning, and when I went to brush my teeth, the entire right side of my mouth and the muscles in that cheek wouldn't move.  At all.  As hard as I tried, every time I tried to smile, it was a half-smile.

I went out with my grandma, mentioned it to her, and got no sympathy or conern, and just thought "whatever, I'll see what Mom says when she gets home."

By the time I got back to the house about 2:30, it was nearly impossible to close my right eyelid.  When I tried to eat, the right side of my mouth would not move out of the way.

Talk about creepy.

Mom was judging senior presentations at school, so I certainly was not going to bother her there, until Chelsea got so freaked out by all my symptoms that she called Mom, and Mom called her back soon after she was done with everything and Chelsea told her all the symptoms.  She called my grandma, and my grandma took me to my mom, and we went straight to the hospital.

My mom had called my neurosurgeon Dr. F's partner Dr. G on the way and he suggested she take me to Craven because a) it's a Trauma Center and b) if it's a stroke, time and somewhere local is more important than her driving me all the way to Duke.

We spent from about 3:45 to about 7:30 at the hospital to find out I have something called Bell's Palsy.

The good news?  It's nothing serious or life-threatening and there's a ton of meds they're giving me.

The bad news?  It takes 3-6 months to go away, and the symptoms are just about the last thing an 18-year-old going to college wants to deal with when she already has people making fun of her.

If jerks would make fun of me because I had no hair, how do you think they'll react when they see a girl who can't move half her face?

A girl whose eye is cloudy, bloodshot, droopy and almost completely uncontrollable?

A girl who excessively drools all the time?

A girl who can't bite into anything normally?

At first I was trying to laugh it off as Mom and I were reading about all the symptoms, but now I'm just...sad.

I'm tired of being the freak.

I'm tired of being the girl who draws attention to herself.

I'm tired of  being the girl who gets made fun of.

Most of all, I am so, so, so tired of being the girl with all the medical problems.

Trust me, I don't need to hear anything about how God loves me, and I'll be okay, and I can pray and all that.  It sounds harsh, but that's all already come to mind.  I appreciate the prayers you guys have for me, more than you know.  I'm just exhausted, in every sense of the word.

They say that God will never give you more than you can handle.

I'm really starting to wish God didn't think I could handle so much...

:(

This SUCKS.

The rib pain is a little better,

but the arm pain is worse.

Much, much worse.

It's gone down the upper half of my right arm, and up the muscle on the right side of my neck.

It's excruciating.

I want to cry and scream at the same time.

My mom says it's just the weather changing,

but the weather changing has never done anything like this to me.

And I used to have a big heating pad here at school,

but I must've taken it home at the end of last semester because I can't find it here.

Of course.  Because that would be easy.

You know what? 

Sometimes I wish my life was boring.

Boring sounds nice right now.

No pain, no stress, no worries.

What happened to boredom?

Did I mention that this SUCKS?

I'm going to go take a shower and go to sleep with wet hair because all I want to do right now is sleep.

I need to wash my sheets tomorrow anyway.

Thank God I got my final draft of my research paper done yesterday.

Speaking of sleep, here's a sorta funny story: Today after Science I came back and took a nap.  I set my phone alarm for 4:30.  Well I woke up on my own, looked over at the clock on my nightstand and it said it was 4:04.  Instead of thinking 'Sweet, I have 25 more minutes,' I thought, 'Dang I slept a long time! And it's really bright outside for 4:00 in the morning!'  Hah.  That's how out of it I've been.

Might as well end with some humor, right?

23 Days

I have to find the energy to make it through the next 23 days.

And the peace not to totally go off on my English professor.

Today, she gave us a pop quiz on this one-act play we had to read.  Apparently, only I and one other person read it.  She asked who all read it and when the two of us raised our hands she glared at me like she thought I was lying.  Because apparently I did poorly on the quiz.

I actually had to say, "Please don't embarass me in front of the entire class." for her not to finish the sentence "How can you have read it and say ---" as she held up my quiz.

Are you KIDDING ME?!  What kind of a professor does that?  Did it ever occur to her that a) I'm not a liar and even if I was, I wouldn't bother lying about something like that when pretty much no one else read it, either and b) I had a freaking migraine and that's why I couldn't focus on her stupid pop quiz?!

I'd talk to the head of the English department about this, but apparently she's even less approachable and less friendly than my professor.

I mean...that's just rude, right?

Plus, I have to deal with my mom telling me she thinks my migraines are just stress headaches.  Even though I've told her two dozen times that the pains are completely different.  I mean, I'm sure she's just trying to keep me calm and everything, but it feels like she's doubting me.

I tell ya, I'm gonna need like...radioactive energy to be able to get all the work done in the next three weeks.

Or...ya know...a break from these migraines would probably do the trick.

I don't have the energy for anything else.