I'm trying not to jinx it...

But maybe...

Just maybe...

Something might be going right for me in the medical department.

Remember how I told you that the average healing time from Bell's Palsy is 3-6 months?

And you know how it's only been 16 days since I was diagnosed?

Well guess what I realized this morning?

I already have some of the movement back in my face.

Sixteen days, people.

Six. teen.

Do you KNOW how awesome that is?!

So despite that every possible thing seemed to be going wrong today,

there's always something to be grateful for.

Quitting the Addiction

1 day down.

I did not sleep well last night.  At all.

It was probably subconscious nerves.

I didn't actually feel nervous, but between not being able to sleep despite being completely exhausted, and the fact that I woke up with an upset stomach that was gone by this afternoon, it's the best guess.

I suppose another part of the exhaustion problem is that I have not drank any caffeine since this whole Bell's Palsy thing showed up.  It messed up my taste buds, so every time I tried Coke, it tasted like soap.  Which is gross.  So I've basically been drinking nothing but water.

Let me tell you, quitting caffeine cold turkey like this is really hard.  But I think it'll be good for me.  Since it'll probably take months for the Bell's Palsy to go away, maybe by the time I've healed, the addiction will be gone.  And cutting out caffeine is a good step in trying to lose some weight.

It's just getting past the lack of energy boost that's gonna be a problem, but I believe I can do it!  Really, I don't have much of a choice.  Haha.

Classes were fine.  I had US History at 9:00 with one of my favorite professors.  I had her last spring for Western Civ I, and I'm so excited to have her again.  She did the typical introducing the syllabus thing, gave us our Pre-test that's standard protocol in the History department at Campbell, and then we were free to go.

After History, I went over to the bookstore and got all the books I need.  I'm very grateful for the worker there who saw me struggling to balance the giant stack of books and walk down the stairs at the same time and took all my books out of my hands for me and carried them to the register.  :)

At 11:00, I had Lifetime Wellness.  Fantastic first day.  The professor told us the basics of what is going on during the semester, explained that everything is on Blackboard, told us to print off a form from online and bring it to class on Monday.  We were literally there for 10 minutes.  The best parts about this class?  1) All the quizzes and tests are on Blackboard, and you get three tries to take each test.  There's pretty much no way not to get an A!  2) Because the professor is also the head track coach, we will almost never have class on Fridays because he'll be traveling. Woo hoo! :)

Normally at 1:00 on Fridays, I'll have French, but it was cancelled today for Drop/Add.  Have Dr. Steegar again, so that's awesome.  Since I didn't have French, I came back and took a nice, long nap. :)

Just What I Needed

When I'm stuck at home with nowhere to go...

When Chelsea's unmedicated and I'm scared to leave my room...

When I'm still working through all that this Bell's Palsy is going to entail over the next however many months...

Conversations with anyone who will make me laugh are exactly what I need.

Jay is being super sweet to me today.

I was talking to him about how worried I am about what people will say, and he was just so comforting and so sweet, that I actually started crying.

Like when he said "I'm lucky I don't go to college with you.  I'd probably get in trouble all the time for flipping out at anyone who says crap to you.  You don't deserve that." 

And I jokingly asked him "why are you so sweet to me?" and his reply was "the better question is, why are other people so mean to you?  I don't feel like I'm being sweet, I just feel like I'm being normal."

He was just the lift in my spirits I needed today.

Choosing to focus on the blessings, like amazing friends, today...

The Ironies of Snow in North Carolina

So today, we got snow.

Real snow.

Not pathetic snow, like the "storm" we got the day after Christmas.

Some sleet, too.

Mom's school was cancelled last night.

Here's the fun part:  New Bern didn't get a speck of snow.

That's what you gotta love about living on the coast of NC.

Snow is such an absolute anomaly around here that this is far from the first time that we've gotten school cancelled just at the prospect of snow.

Isn't it awesome? :)

I'm going to the ENT on Thursday.  Cross your fingers she'll clear me to go back to Campbell so I can leave on Saturday.

Okay, so maybe I was a smidge on the dramatic side.

I'm still 18 years old, people.

In general, yes, I am rather mature for my age.

But I still freak out like your average teenager sometimes.

It takes me a day or two to be stupid and pity myself, and then I get over it.

It's how it was with all the Duke stuff last fall.

But yeah, sorry about that.

I'll be fine.

I always am.

For now, though, I'm going to eat lemon rosemary chicken! YUM! :D

I'm trying really hard to have faith.

I really am.

You have to know that much.

But after what's happened today, it's just shaking.

Last night, my mom was picking on me because she said I was talking out of the side of my mouth like I'd "had a stroke or something". 

I didn't feel anything or notice anything, so I just blew it off and thought she was being silly.

Well, I got up this morning, and when I went to brush my teeth, the entire right side of my mouth and the muscles in that cheek wouldn't move.  At all.  As hard as I tried, every time I tried to smile, it was a half-smile.

I went out with my grandma, mentioned it to her, and got no sympathy or conern, and just thought "whatever, I'll see what Mom says when she gets home."

By the time I got back to the house about 2:30, it was nearly impossible to close my right eyelid.  When I tried to eat, the right side of my mouth would not move out of the way.

Talk about creepy.

Mom was judging senior presentations at school, so I certainly was not going to bother her there, until Chelsea got so freaked out by all my symptoms that she called Mom, and Mom called her back soon after she was done with everything and Chelsea told her all the symptoms.  She called my grandma, and my grandma took me to my mom, and we went straight to the hospital.

My mom had called my neurosurgeon Dr. F's partner Dr. G on the way and he suggested she take me to Craven because a) it's a Trauma Center and b) if it's a stroke, time and somewhere local is more important than her driving me all the way to Duke.

We spent from about 3:45 to about 7:30 at the hospital to find out I have something called Bell's Palsy.

The good news?  It's nothing serious or life-threatening and there's a ton of meds they're giving me.

The bad news?  It takes 3-6 months to go away, and the symptoms are just about the last thing an 18-year-old going to college wants to deal with when she already has people making fun of her.

If jerks would make fun of me because I had no hair, how do you think they'll react when they see a girl who can't move half her face?

A girl whose eye is cloudy, bloodshot, droopy and almost completely uncontrollable?

A girl who excessively drools all the time?

A girl who can't bite into anything normally?

At first I was trying to laugh it off as Mom and I were reading about all the symptoms, but now I'm just...sad.

I'm tired of being the freak.

I'm tired of being the girl who draws attention to herself.

I'm tired of  being the girl who gets made fun of.

Most of all, I am so, so, so tired of being the girl with all the medical problems.

Trust me, I don't need to hear anything about how God loves me, and I'll be okay, and I can pray and all that.  It sounds harsh, but that's all already come to mind.  I appreciate the prayers you guys have for me, more than you know.  I'm just exhausted, in every sense of the word.

They say that God will never give you more than you can handle.

I'm really starting to wish God didn't think I could handle so much...