Saturday, January 8, 2011

I'm trying really hard to have faith.

I really am.

You have to know that much.

But after what's happened today, it's just shaking.

Last night, my mom was picking on me because she said I was talking out of the side of my mouth like I'd "had a stroke or something". 

I didn't feel anything or notice anything, so I just blew it off and thought she was being silly.

Well, I got up this morning, and when I went to brush my teeth, the entire right side of my mouth and the muscles in that cheek wouldn't move.  At all.  As hard as I tried, every time I tried to smile, it was a half-smile.

I went out with my grandma, mentioned it to her, and got no sympathy or conern, and just thought "whatever, I'll see what Mom says when she gets home."

By the time I got back to the house about 2:30, it was nearly impossible to close my right eyelid.  When I tried to eat, the right side of my mouth would not move out of the way.

Talk about creepy.

Mom was judging senior presentations at school, so I certainly was not going to bother her there, until Chelsea got so freaked out by all my symptoms that she called Mom, and Mom called her back soon after she was done with everything and Chelsea told her all the symptoms.  She called my grandma, and my grandma took me to my mom, and we went straight to the hospital.

My mom had called my neurosurgeon Dr. F's partner Dr. G on the way and he suggested she take me to Craven because a) it's a Trauma Center and b) if it's a stroke, time and somewhere local is more important than her driving me all the way to Duke.

We spent from about 3:45 to about 7:30 at the hospital to find out I have something called Bell's Palsy.

The good news?  It's nothing serious or life-threatening and there's a ton of meds they're giving me.

The bad news?  It takes 3-6 months to go away, and the symptoms are just about the last thing an 18-year-old going to college wants to deal with when she already has people making fun of her.

If jerks would make fun of me because I had no hair, how do you think they'll react when they see a girl who can't move half her face?

A girl whose eye is cloudy, bloodshot, droopy and almost completely uncontrollable?

A girl who excessively drools all the time?

A girl who can't bite into anything normally?

At first I was trying to laugh it off as Mom and I were reading about all the symptoms, but now I'm just...sad.

I'm tired of being the freak.

I'm tired of being the girl who draws attention to herself.

I'm tired of  being the girl who gets made fun of.

Most of all, I am so, so, so tired of being the girl with all the medical problems.

Trust me, I don't need to hear anything about how God loves me, and I'll be okay, and I can pray and all that.  It sounds harsh, but that's all already come to mind.  I appreciate the prayers you guys have for me, more than you know.  I'm just exhausted, in every sense of the word.

They say that God will never give you more than you can handle.

I'm really starting to wish God didn't think I could handle so much...

1 comment:

  1. I can sense how discouraged you are feeling about this -- I'm sorry today didn't bring a better outcome. I'm grateful that it isn't life threatening or permanent, and that it's likely that you won't experience all the potential symptoms.

    I have a lot more to say, and some tough love questions to ask, but apparently I'm being JD again, and Blogger's telling me that I have to tell it to you in less than 4 novels... so check your inbox.