Sunday, January 23, 2011

I am nothing if not a fighter.

Today...I hurt.

I feel crushed.

I feel like a fool.  Like I got played.  Like I should've seen this coming and not invested my time.

When stuff like this happens, my first instinct is to blame myself.  Partially because I'm far too hard on myself most of the time, and partially because the other person in this situation (every time this has happened in the past, as well) tells me it's my fault.  I drove them away.  I screwed up.  It's my fault, not theirs.

So at first, I believe them.  And I'll be honest, right now I still sort of feel like if I had done things differently, then maybe Jay wouldn't have said what he said.  But in the end, I know I can't change what he did.  I didn't make him lead me on.  I didn't make him say all the things he said to me yesterday.  This is not my fault. 

The worst part about this?  I still wish I could have him back.  When someone hurts me, that doesn't erase the love, heart, and time I had invested.  I still care about him, and I know I will for a while.  And the fact that I still care makes me wish I had the Jay I was falling for back.  The guy who seriously seemed like he cared about me, too.  The guy who said that he wished he was here to protect me, to "flip out on anyone that messed with me".  Where is that guy?

Matt said something that resonated with me yesterday, though.  I was talking to him about this, and at one point I said it makes me feel like a failure, like I screwed up somehow.  He said, "You're a good person.  People view you as a problem because you're not two-faced.  You're not dramatic.  You don't lie.  People have a tendency to want to hang out with people like them.  It's not your problem.  It's his."  I think he's on to something.  I'm not like Jay's friends, and you know, I like that.  I like that I care about people 110%.  I like that I'm honest to a fault.  I like that I'm not a party girl.  I like who I am.  I just have to find people who like it, too. (Though that seems to be the difficulty here, haha!)

Going through this with Jay has made me work through the personal issues I have in my relationship with Matt, and I know that's a good thing.  I said before that the more I care about a person, the more I worry they don't actually care about me.  That's why I've questioned Matt so much.  But I realized in the aftermath of this that Matt is the one person who's never treated me badly, and he's the one person who's actually never given me reason to question our friendship.  So me questioning him more than anyone else is just wrong.  It's not fair to him as a friend, and it's not fair to my own peace of mind.  I told him that I was going to stop questioning him from now on for that reason.  The best part of our conversation yesterday was when I apologized for giving him so much crap to deal with and he said, "You really don't give me that much to put up with.  It's usually either some random medical problem that you seem to be the only person in the world to get, or it's family issues.  That's nothing."  Like he doesn't even remember all the times I've questioned him and whether or not he cares about me.  As a friend so plainly put it to me today, that's what love is. It's beautiful.  So I guess I can thank Jay for bringing me to this realization.

But anyway, the point I was trying to get to with this rambling post is this:  I hurt badly right now, but I will be okay.  I'm a fighter.  And no matter what Jay (or anyone else) may say about me, I am beautiful.  I am worthy.  And I will find a guy who loves me exactly the way I am, and I won't have anything to apologize for.

Till then, I've got Him. :)


  1. ((((((((((((((( beautiful )))))))))))))))

  2. Hi Mallory,
    I found your blog through a comment you left on I've been reading through your archives, and as one college student to another- you go girl!

    This post especially stood out to me. You see, I'm that girl too. The one who doesn't party and drink or do"Stuff" and while I'm comfortable with who I am and wouldn't have it any other way, it can be a lonely place to be in at college.

    I love your blog, and I wish you all the best!
    -Vivielle V.