Sunday, January 30, 2011

Time may change me, but I can't trace time.

I should've posted about this long before now, but better late than never, right?

Chances are, by now, you've heard about the "One Word" thing that's spread like wildfire.  If you haven't, here's the gist:  instead of New Year's Resolutions, you pick one word that will be your focus/goal for the year.  I didn't do this last year, but this year, I knew exactly what my word would be.  It's simple, and probably chosen by a lot of people, but it's perfect for me in this year.  My One Word for 2011 is


Back around New Year's Day, I decided to make 2011 the year that I would find the peace that I have been so desperately searching for for years.  Since January of 2007, I have felt that my life has been one constant battle, both with my family and my health.  Constantly fighting to stay afloat, trying not to drown in my pain, my frustration, my fear, my stress.

Stress. The bane of my existence.  My entiire life, I have been high-stress about EVERYTHING.  School, sickness, family, friends, my friends' problems, and on and on and on.  And in the past few years, it only got worse.  I would break down every Sunday night like clockwork just because I was so stressed I didn't know how I was going to face another week.  And by the time I was a teenager, my neurologist realized that anxiety and stress were a trigger for my seizures, which is why I now take anxiety meds every morning, and I can really tell a difference if I forget to take it one day.

Anyway, I won't make this a huge post, but my point is this: I desperately need to be more peaceful.  If I don't, I'll go even more nuts.  So I decided that the first step was to focus on all the positives in my life, instead of the bad. 

Already, God has proven Himself ever so faithful and concerned with my desires.  A dear friend of mine commented the other day that she has seen such a change in my personality.  All because I made a choice to be happy. 

And when I had that talk with Matt on Friday, even though I had been SO nervous in the days beforehand, I was completely calm through the entire conversation.  No shaking.  No tears.  No heart racing.  Nothing.  That night, I finally fully comprehended the meaning of the phrase "peace that passes all understanding."  God was all over that conversation, no doubt about it.  It's hard to explain, even harder to describe, but I will just say this - the old me would've definitely had been having a panic attack the second I decided to take the opportunity to tell him what was on my heart.

We may only be 30 days into the new year, but I can already feel myself that much closer to my goal.  I am changing, and it's a miraculous, beautiful, wonderful thing.

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