The Story of Life

I was leaving the doctor office yesterday, and the lady checking me out asked me how I was. I responded, "Good in some ways, bad in others, but isn't that the story of life?" She chuckled and said, "Yes, yes it is." So shall I get to the good and the bad?

Good: My foot is doing really well. The two bad falls I had last week didn't do any damage to my foot. I got all my bandages off and the incision looked great. I was told I could get off the scooter and start walking on it (in a boot, of course), but here's what I was really looking forward to ---> He told me I can finally get it wet! I could shave my whole leg and wash my foot after 46 days of not being able to. The first thing I wanted to do when I got home was get in the shower and scrub the disgusting amount of dead skin off, but of course, I was inexplicably super lightheaded as soon as I got out of the car, so I had to wait a few hours. But still, once I did it? Once I got to shave my legs nice and smooth and wash my foot until it looked and felt like a real foot again? I was practically in heaven.

Bad: Montreal lost my application. Yeah. I know. I don't know how, but when I emailed the head of the political science department to ask why I hadn't gotten a response yet, he said they had no record of me ever submitting an application (even though I have a dossier # from the email I got confirming that my application was submitted successfully). So he told me to send the dossier number to this lady and she would look into it. I did that, and she told me today that that dossier number does not open any folders for them so all she can tell me to do is contact the registrar. Now, the registrar's website is so confusing I'm not even sure that I emailed the right place because there were like 12 to choose from, and even if I did it will take up to a week for them to answer, so I'm probably going to have to call them tomorrow and awkwardly use my French for the first real time in three years on the phone with an actual French-Canadian. THIS SHOULD GO WELL. And to boot, I have until June 15 to tell the Residence Department if I'm not coming if I want to get a refund on the $389 Mommom put down for my first month of rent. So I emailed THEM asking if there was any way to get an extension on that deadline because I don't have an answer because the freakin' university lost my application and I'm trying to get it straightened out but I don't know how long it will take. But who knows what they'll say to that. So basically, I've been waiting and waiting on this school thinking for once I was being patient and that's a good thing (yay maturity!), only to find out that no, I'm being screwed over and didn't know it and am now running out of time to fix it.

All of that Montreal stuff happened today and yesterday. By the time I got the email from the lady today telling me they had no folder on me and to contact the registrar, I had to wake Mom up because I was having a panic attack and she's the best at talking me out of one. Then, she gave me Ativan because, as she put it, "You are NOT having another seizure tonight!"

Now, I'm going to do my Bible Study for the night (I finally started a real study!), maybe watch a Netflix documentary (I made a list of all the ones I want to see on my phone - because I'm weird), and then go to bed. Stress is draining.

Is this what PTSD feels like?

So, I had a panic attack because I thought I was getting another MRSA infection yesterday.

That was fun.

I ended up having Chelsea (who thankfully was in a good-for-her mood) take me to the ER because Mom wouldn't because I was not willing to mess around and was in unbearable pain and hadn't slept for more than 24 hours. But Mom was convinced from the start I was overreacting so she refused to do anything. Of course. Including go and pick up the antibiotic my doctor called in.

They took my cast off at the ER (and put me in a hard splint when I left) and couldn't see any obvious signs of infection, just major skin irritation, so all they could do was get my pain down to a more manageable level and help the nausea I was having (because of the pain) and send me home. My doctor's office will be calling me tomorrow to get me in for a much sooner appointment than the one I originally had set up for two weeks from now.

Then, my uncle so graciously came and picked me up because Chelsea had no gas and my grandma was still incommunicado (I later learned she was at an all-day Bingo thing, so it all made way more sense). And we picked up the antibiotic on the way home, so I have that.

I feel like an idiot for going through all that for no real results, but damn, can you really blame me? My mom's ego trip was not worth more than my desire to make sure my health was okay. We'll see what my doc says whenever he gets to see my foot in person.

I'd forgotten how long two hours can feel.

Well, after two weeks off (including the holiday), I made it back to class today. Very exciting.

It was exhausting, though. I took cabs to the bank (near my Monday class building) and then back from the health center (after class) so I did do some walking but I didn't push myself too hard since this is way more activity than I've had in two weeks.

Class was good. It was nice to be back. But it was also very long. (See post title.)

After that I had a psychiatry appointment to get a new prescription for my anxiety/depression med, which basically turned into another therapy session because the doc and his med student assistant girl needed to get to know me. Fine with me. I'm so stressed out I'll talk to anyone who will listen and let me vent.

Then, I came home and my amazing super came by and fixed my recliner! He screwed the arm/side back to the frame and the rest of the chair and now I can sit in it and it doesn't fall over! And you can hardly tell. There's just one black square at the bottom of the chair where he screwed it all into place but it's black on dark wood plus it's at the very bottom by the ground so no one is going to look down there to notice it. He asked me beforehand if I cared what it looked like from the outside and I just said no, but what I was thinking was "considering my other option was duct tape? I'm gonna go with no." :p And he wouldn't let me pay him for him, but it only took him like 15 minutes. He really is awesome. I love living here.

After that, I was a bad girl and spent the rest of the day watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix.

I fell asleep around 10:00. I haven't been sleeping well lately, despite being super exhausted. Gee, I wonder why.

What else am I supposed to do?

If I didn't know that I took my anxiety medication this morning, I'd think I had forgotten it because, man, I have been a mess all day today.

And then "it" finally showed up and it all made sense.

But in the process I've had a crappy and emotional day culminating in a fight with the roommate who now won't speak to me. I had to resort to sticking a letter under her door in an attempt to apologize. And I cried, even though I don't think I'm the only one at fault and she still won't speak to me even though in my note I attempted to give her what I thought she was asking for. But if I apologized and she is still mad or whatever, is there anything else I can do?

I hate hormones.

I'm also not really a fan of having a roommate I only met when she moved in. Roommates in general are really hard, but I feel like it would have been easier if either Holly or I had known the person that moved in with us. But we have year leases, so I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it and pray she moves out in August.

And tomorrow I have my redo neurology and hospital clearances for surgery, and so I have the added stress on me of trying not to worry that yet another surprise will be thrown at me and my surgery will be delayed again. Ridiculous, maybe, but it's what's in my head.

The one perk of the day is that my UN professor told us we don't have to do reading reviews for the rest of the semester, which eases my workload schedule a good deal. So there's a positive, I guess.

Stress to the max.

So many details.

Not enough money.

So tired.

Not enough energy.

Just want to get to New York already.

Life will be easier for all of us once I'm just there.

Pray for my family, that none of us lose our minds and we all can survive financially.  Thanks.

Honestly

It's been a rough day.  I've cried a lot, at least a lot more than I normally do when I'm not PMSing.  There's a lot of things that are going on in this family and I guess all the stress of it has just been piling up on me and I lost it today.

I don't have funding for NYU right now.  I went through every person at the federal student loans place that I could talk to and $3600 of medical debt is keeping them from being able to give me the loans.  It's just an extra punch in the gut that, essentially, my medical problems are standing in the way of me being able to go to grad school.  So now goes talking to banks.  Which I have no idea what that entails, and a lady at the bank that I work out of said after talking to me that it seems that it will be very difficult for me to get a personal loan, but at least she offered to do some research for me and see if she can find something that will help.

I also didn't get housing through NYU.  Which is just going to add more complications, stress, and fees.

Plus, there's all sorts of crazy stuff going on with Mom, Chelsea/Blake, Mommom, and even Holly.  Crap is just pouring down on my family right now.

I'm mostly just scared.  Scared that our lives aren't going to ease up anytime soon.  Scared that I'm not going to get NYU to work out.  Scared that I'm going to be stuck in this house and in North Carolina. Scared that everything I've worked for for so long isn't going to happen, all because of medical problems biting me in the ass.  Scared that my mom is going to lose it.

I will say that one good thing about today was a conversation that I got to have with Clayton today.  We all need those friends that we can call at the drop of a hat for a pick-me-up, and in the absence of Austin who is working a crazy summer at camp, Clayton is definitely a good second choice. ;)  I got to talk to him about everything that is going on and everything that is going on in my head because of it.  Talking to him involved tears, but thankfully listening to me cry didn't seem to scare him too bad. :p  And it was the first time I smiled all day today.  I'm so thankful for him.

I keep trying to tell myself that all of this upsetting stuff and stress is a test of faith.  I know God has pulled me through some seemingly hopeless situations before, and He can do it again.  I've never doubted that God is capable of anything, I don't doubt that He can take care of all these NYU details, I just struggle with being sure that He will.

I wish I knew how to properly describe all of the emotions running around inside me tonight.

Honestly, though, I'm just scared.  And I need to seriously submerse myself in the Word because I don't want to be scared anymore.

Attitude

Today has been a major strain on my attitude.

First, after five straight days of feeling like this new combination of medications was going to finally fix my head, I woke up today with the pain having taken a major step backward.  The good news is that tonight it is feeling somewhat better again, so there is hope that all of this was just a fluke.

Second, in World Religions, I found out that the test that I have to make up tomorrow (because I was sick on Wednesday) is actually super difficult, and now I'm all stressed out about my grade in the class I thought I was going to be the least worried about because I've already done poorly on a few of the vocab quizzes.

Third, Phonetics is making me feel stupid.  I really dislike feeling stupid, especially when I know I'm not stupid.  And it's nothing Dr. Steegar was doing; he was actually really encouraging about what we were working on and also told me he's going to recommend some of his worse students go to Student Services and sign up for me to tutor them.  So he knows what I'm capable of.  I just get so aggravated with myself when I know I should be getting something and it's just not sticking.  Perfectionist problems.

Fourth, and this is the most fun of all, I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up in the ER tomorrow getting an x-ray of my foot.  The pain in my right foot (the one that had all the steel taken out because of the MRSA infection that Dr. Pupp warned me could fracture even years down the line because the bones didn't have enough time to fuse before I got the infection) has been getting progressively worse for over a week, and now there's a stabbing pain in one bone in my foot every time I take a step.  I'm going to go to the infirmary after I make up my World Religions test tomorrow morning first because there's technically supposed to be an orthopedic person there who can look at it, but as Mom said, "Unless they have an x-ray machine, which the chances of there being one in that infirmary are about as high as you marrying Prince Harry, no one in there is going to touch your reconstructed foot with a ten-foot pole.  But good luck with that."  Ha.  Gotta love my mother's supportive sense of humor.  I really hope I don't have a cast on my foot after tomorrow.  I'm hoping that if anything, they'll give me a walking boot or something that won't be quite such a hassle.  But yeah, prayers are appreciated.

But then, sitting here writing this blog post and just wanting to rant about how frustrating today has been, I keep thinking back to an email I got from my friend Lauren this morning.  She had emailed me a prayer request, and I responded telling her what was going on with my head.  She told me she'd continue to pray but then she added, "Your attitude never ceases to amaze me, though!!!"  And that just makes me do a double take.

First, I want to think, "Man, am I really that two-faced?" because when she sent that, I really felt like my attitude was pretty much the last thing that anyone should be amazed by.  I was feeling exhausted and frustrated and defeated and annoyed and just all the ugh feelings you can think of.

But then, it makes me think that this is when God has the opportunity to make me better, to make me a little more like Him, even when the very human part of me would like to stay in my rut and whine some more.  I just have to swallow my selfish pride, step back and let Him.  It makes me remember of what I know to be true, exactly what I responded to Lauren this morning: "Thanks, sweet friend, but this is ALL God.  If I were on my own, I'd be miserable and depressed.  I know that because I have been there.  He is my strength - because of Him, I can boast in my weakness!  That's what gets me through every day!"

If I just give all of this stress and pain and worry over to Him, He can take care of it because He is strong enough.  It is His strength that will fill me, that will give me the provisions necessary to make it through every single day one day at a time.  That's why it's okay that I'm not enough.  I don't have to try to be enough because He already is.

What a relief.

It's all because of Jesus I'm alive.

And I'm alive because I'm alive in You.

Be Not Afraid

I think it's all officially sunk in today.  I'm here.  I'm doing this.

I'm going to be perfectly honest with you.  I've been struggling with being terrified. Absolutely, nausea-inducing terrified.

It's all very overwhelming, and the internships haven't even started yet.  And let's face it, I'm high-stress enough as it is.  Plus, I've never had a job of any kind before, I've never lived in a big city before, I've never lived on my own in a big city before.  There's just a lot of new things to take in.  I put a lot of pressure on myself pretty much all the time to be "perfect" because, well, a lot of people in my life have spent a good portion of their time reminding me that I'm not good enough.  I worry that if I don't ace these classes, I'll be letting Mom down, and Uncle Ed down, and Dr. Thornton down, and on and on and on. And if I don't do well at this internship, then maybe I won't be able to find a career here and live my dream.  You can just imagine what a situation like this does to me mentally when I'm alone with my own thoughts.

But in the midst of the 6000 thoughts racing around in my head at any given moment, I can still hear God's voice clearly.  It's not loud, but it's a constant reminder of what He's asking of me right now.

Be not afraid.

I am His child first and foremost, and therefore I am automatically "good enough."  If I could do this on my own, I wouldn't have a need for God, so this is my chance to truly lean on Him and wait for Him to give me the peace and strength I need to succeed in this program.  I have nothing to be afraid of because God has got my back, 24/7, even when I'm not paying attention.  This life I'm living, it's all His, anyway.  It's under His control, it's going to take the path He has planned for me, so what is there to be scared of or worry about?  God wants only the best for His children, all I have to do is follow His lead.  If I focus on what I have to do, take it day by day and just focus on the task directly in front of me, I'll be fine because I have His perfect guidance.

Yes, I'm still human, so I know I'm not going to always remember this, but you know what?  He's so good, I know He'll come back to remind me as many times and as loud as it takes:

Be not afraid, child.  I am Here.

Fall on God.

That's what I've said to myself about six hundred times today.

Fall on God.

Today, I'm just overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with the stress and the worry and the frustration and the anger and the sadness and the attacks and just everything.

One would think I would be used to it after basically 13 years, but you never get used to hearing a blood relative tell you they hope you die and burn in hell.  That just doesn't happen.

And now all of those overwhelming emotions are pouring over into other areas of my life with people this has nothing to do with and the last thing I want or need right now is to screw up the good and healthy relationships I  still have.

Just fall on God.  Fall on God.  He can take care of this.  He can give me the strength to make it through the next 4 weeks.  He's the only way I'm going to be able to.

I can't do this.  I think it's been well-established that I can't.  So He's going to have to.  Please, before the family completely shatters.  I'm so unprepared by myself, I'm so broken and I can't stop making mistakes.  I need HIM.  I need the peace that only He can give.

It's time to let go and just fall.  Now.  Before someone or something shoves me.

I'd freak out, but I don't have the energy.

So uh, panic officially set in about midnight last night.  Because of course it always waits until you want to sleep.

I got about 8 hours of sleep last night, and I feel like I got five.

Because the work, IT NEVER ENDS.

Well, it's going to end.  On May 4th, to be precise.  But the idea of it all managing to get done in the next two and a half weeks is a little........nervewracking.

The good news is it looks like I picked a good time to be in the hospital in regards to my Econ class, as we didn't do all that much.  All I have to do is makeup a test which is actually from my Nashville week.

The problem is French.  Both French classes.

Two take-home tests, one of which is going to rival a research paper in length.  A book report.  A research paper.  And a presentation.

Somehow all of that has to get done in the next seventeen days on top of everything else that I'll be assigned in all my other classes, plus, ya know, studying for those pesky little finals.

And I still don't have my stamina back yet.  My stomach feels fine, but I am dragging my feet just to walk across campus.

Lord, give me strength.  I know it'll all get done, it has to get done, just please give me the strength to get through it.  Give me the wisdom to face the choices I must make as intelligently as possible and the maturity to face Dr. Steegar should it be necessary.

But mostly, I just need strength.  In all forms.  Thanks.

Is this what spiritual attack feels like?

All week long, I've felt like I've been on the verge of tears.

Constantly.

And I have no idea why.

Even when I'm with my friends and I'm laughing, or I'm in class and I'm thinking about the work, I feel like I'm about to start crying.

I have no reason to be sad!  And I really felt like I had a better handle on my stress.  And it's not like I've gotten any bad news, or gotten in any fights with friends, or anything like that.

I tried to ignore it.  I didn't want to talk about it on here because I thought that it would go away, but it didn't.  It just got worse.

And now I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and crying (granted, watching a show about giving a drug addict an intervention probably wasn't the smartest idea being in this state).  I feel like every muscle in my body is in pain.

I want to know what the heck is going on in my world right now.  I want to know why I feel so sickeningly sad when I have no reason to be.  I want to know why I'm suddenly paralyzed with a fear of everyone in my life when this semester was the FIRST time that I ever actually felt secure in my relationships.

God, what is going on?  Please help me.

If time is money, then I'm broke.

Today's just one of those days where I feel overwhelmed, that there's not enough time to do all of the things I need to do for all of the classes that I have.

Though, I suppose this is a pretty normal reaction for a college student who is now two and a half weeks away from the end of classes and the start of exams.

Normal, sure, but knowing that doesn't make it any less bothersome.

Of course, this feeling wasn't exactly helped by the fact that I FINALLY started doing work on my massive Scope & Methods project that is due in two weeks and realized finding presidential approval polls separated by state or region about past presidents from a reputable polling company is next to impossible, so I now have had to slightly modify my idea and only focus on Obama, so the depth of everything I have to do to make up for my idiotic procrastination on top of everything I have to do that's on schedule pretty much smacked me in the face today and I almost cried in the middle of the library.  Almost. 

Plus, this same professor apparently thinks the definition of "easy reading" is "70 pages on 18th-century French cat massacres and metaphors".  Don't even ask.  I have no clue whatsoever what the point was.  That was a giant waste of my oh-so-precious time.

I am so out of it.  Mentally, I feel like I've been hit by a truck, so I'm just gonna go to bed and pray that God rejuvenates me tomorrow and helps me to use my time more wisely.

Onward ho!

Every time I use that phrase, my ever-so-witty mother replies, "Don't call me a ho!" :)

Tonight, I feel amazing.  Still.

Because I had so little homework to do, I've had plenty of time to relax.

And because I am relaxed, I feel a thousand times more prepared to face the week.

I have many things to do, but they are small things.  Class, homework, meetings, a concert, soccer game.  All things that will be interesting and certainly not a waste of my time in the least.

When I was a little girl, I broke down crying every single Sunday night.  I don't even remember why.  Separation anxiety is plausible.  Stress.  Fear.  Who knows.  All I know is I am GLAD that phase is over.  I probably drove my mother crazy.  What can I say, stress is not a new concept to me. ;)

But now, the further along I get along in my school life, especially now that I am in college, I feel stronger and more prepared, more competent, more confident.  And I am very grateful for that.  The more confident I am, the less I worry.

I'm not worried about this week.  I'm looking forward to it.

Onward ho!

Lesson learned.

Right now, I'm imagining God kicked back in a recliner, his feet up on an ottoman, with a humongous bowl of popcorn, laughing like a hyena as he watches a movie titled Mallory Learns Her Lesson about Procrastination.  Can't you just see it?  Because I totally can.

The lesson here, ladies and gents (though I doubt any man reads this blog)?  I was not made to procrastinate this severely.  Monday is already pretty much over.  I have until 3:00 Friday, which from now is less than 87 hours from now, to plan, formulate, and write an at least 7 page research paper, and almost 13 of those hours will be spent in class.

STUPID STUPID ME.

I feel like my heart is in my stomach.  I feel like I could burst into tears.  I wish I could smack myself. 

I'm too much of a nerd to do this! Why did I do this to myself? 

It's still possible to do it all and still, ya know, sleep, but it's scaring me majorly.

Pray for me.  Pray for peace.  Pray for knowledge.  Pray for focus.  Pray for the words to come easily.  But please especially pray for peace.

Oh, and I forgot to mention: I finally went to the infirmary today, and found out I have an upper respiratory infection that I wasn't aware I had because I cannot hear or feel the chest congestion the doc says he can hear in my lungs.  So no wonder I've been feeling like crap for a week and a half.  Well, it's nice to have answers, I suppose.  Hopefully the antibiotic that I have to go back to the infirmary tomorrow to get the prescription for, because the prescription he wrote today was for a medicine is no longer sold or something, will do the trick.

Hey God, enjoy the show? ;)

Karma, is that you?

Well, first off, on the upside, the research didn't take me all day.

The bad news, though, is that it didn't take me all day because there were so few resources to even look at.

Deep breaths.

To start off what felt like a day full of karma punishing me for procrastinating (and I do mean that as a joke, take note), after I got up this morning, ate lunch, took a shower, shaved, and plucked my eyebrows, I sat down at my computer ready to focus on this paper.

Only to find that the library website wouldn't even open.  Yep.  And when I called the library to ask if they knew what was up, the lady who answered the phone was absolutely zero help.  She said they might be working down there at the library, so I sighed, got up and dressed, and headed down there.

And then I found out she was wrong.  The library homepage wouldn't even open up down there.  I was so freaked I almost started crying.  Oh, I of little faith...Thankfully, a guy who works there that I knew was good with computers was able to help me, and he basically showed me a backdoor way to get to the databases.  Which was awesome, because that was the only way I was allowed to do the research.

I spent two and a half hours going through literally every. possible. database. Campbell has access to and I could only find six articles to use.  SIX.  And that just freaked me out.  Praise the Lord for the fact that the required minimum number of sources for the paper is five, but still.  My mind was just racing worrying about how six articles were going to get me a 7-9 page research paper.  So for now, I'm just focusing on making it to seven pages.

Ugh, this is what I get for procrastinating, and what's even worse is that as soon as I get done with this work this week, I get to start freaking out about my Scope & Methods project that I have also, surprise surprise, procrastinated on.

One day at a time, Mal.  One day at a time.  The writing is the easier part.  You don't have a lot of during-the-week homework, so you'll have plenty of time to organize and write this by Friday.  You can do it.

I have to focus on the positives, think positively, or I'll go into freakout mode and probably cry, and I've cried enough in the past week.

And yes, I do sometimes talk to myself.  But I promise I'm not crazy.  At least not that kind of crazy. ;)

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.  I really do love my classes.  Plus, I'm curious to know what Dr. Mero wants to talk to me about.

I'm going to watch Glee to end the night on a happy note and go to bed.

Oh, another happy note: I checked my midterm grades, and I have an A in everything but English! I'm amazed I have an A in Scope & Methods!  See, this is why I don't care if I bug people by participating a lot in class - it helps my grade! :)  Okay, good night.

Dear God, I need a big favor.

Could You like, a) keep my grandma safe in her procedure tomorrow and b) make her bloodwork clear up either tomorrow night so she can get her gall bladder taken out on Saturday, or clear up Sunday so she can get her gall bladder taken out on Monday?  Okay, I know that was two favors, but really.  If she ends up having this surgery on Sunday, I won't be able to move back to Campbell that day, because duh, my mom is gonna want to be here when her 73-year-old mother has surgery.  And if I don't move to Campbell that day it's going to complicate things in a thousand ways, and my mom and I cannot figure out how we'll make it work.  Please?  Thank you.  I mean, I know You're in control, and I'm trying really, really hard not to stress, but that's just not very easy for a girl like me.  Plus, I'd like to have one return to Campbell that wasn't complicated in some way, shape or form.  Love, ME

That's basically the deal with my grandma, y'all.  She's got a gall stone stuck in some duct in her pancreas, so they have to go in and vacuum (essentially) it out.  BUT they have to do it in a separate procedure because it can make the pancreas even more inflamed than it already is.  And there's some level they measure in bloodwork about her pancreas (I have no idea what it's called), so that's what I refer to when I say the bloodwork needs to clear up.

I don't like stress.  And I feel angry.  But it's not like I'm angry at any specific person because it's not like anyone could help this, it's just I'm angry that my life and my family's life is so complicated all the dang time.  And yes, I know that's stupid and pretty selfish, but it is what it is, and I have to let it all out somewhere.  So thanks for reading.

Unwanted Tests and Changing Plans

Holly's car won't start.  Thus, she can't come home.

And on top of that, Chelsea and Mom decided to get into World War 3 on the way home from picking Blake up from daycare (thankfully, I wasn't with them).  Mom has spent half the night crying and half the night ranting about how she's not going to help with Chelsea's wedding and spend a bunch of money while she continues to treat her like crap.  So this mysterious fight must've been bad, because in almost two months of Chelsea and Shane being engaged, she hasn't said that until today.  And now we're not going to Wilmington tomorrow to go dress shopping like we were supposed to, although I think Holly not being here factors into that decision a tiny bit.

The "test" is the fact that they both have repeatedly tried to drag me into the middle of their fight today, by expecting me to deliver messages to each other so I have to listen to them yell at me.  I told them both that I am not going to be a dang messenger and they need to leave me the heck out of it, since every other time they fight they yell at me for getting involved.  It's like I can't win.

To be completely, I'm really proud of myself for not only not getting in the middle of it, but for standing up for myself and telling them to leave me alone.  I can't think of one other time where that's happened.

Basically, I'm come to the realization that I have to stop fooling myself into thinking that I can fix anything about this family.  I can't fix them.  And furthermore, it's not my responsibility to fix them.  I am the kind of person who hates problems and wants to solve them and fix any pain I see, and I just can't do that anymore.  It's going to kill me. 

I haven't cried today, which is rather unusual for me, but hey, I'll take it. 

Six days.

I don't know what's going on in my head right now.

I feel like I wanna cry right now, and it doesn't really make sense because today things were okay.  The bit of Chelsea/Mom screaming at each other was very expected and the same kind of crap I always hear about.  So it was a typical day.

I'm not PMSing.  My period was last week and for the past few months, I've actually been kind of regular (I apologize if that's TMI for anyone, but this is pretty much my diary).

Frankly, I have no idea what the heck is going on.  I feel like I'm going insane.  Maybe it's just the fact that I'm completely over this town.  I'm over the people here.  Chelsea and her drama is so stressful that sometimes it feels like Mom and Blake aren't even worth coming home anymore.  Constantly feeling like you're suffocating is no way to live, but at least for the summer, I don't have anywhere to go. 

I know I've been acting like I'm on a rollercoaster lately.  The tone of this blog has been a rollercoaster.  But that's because I feel like my life is on a giant rollercoaster and I have no idea what is coming with each twist and turn.  I don't know what my life is going to be like from day to day living with Chelsea.  A psychic wouldn't even be able to tell you that.  She is without a doubt the most unpredictable person I know at a time in my life when I am desperately searching for something or someone I can routinely rely on.  And right now, it feels like the only thing I can rely on is the fact that God is holding me.  Why is that not enough to comfort me?

I've got to figure out a way to make it to August 14th.  I have to remember that this is not the rest of my life.  If I can just make it back to college, and I can continue college, I can make it to the rest of my life.  A place where I at the very least feel like I can breathe normally and be myself and not have to worry so darn much. 

A day at a time.  I've got to just take life a day at a time.  That's all I can mentally and emotionally afford right now.

The Bright Side

So in order to end on a high note, I'm gonna start with the bad stuff and end with the good stuff.

Bad :(

Holly got in a car accident Tuesday and totaled her car.
Mom got an MRI today to check for a tumor on the nerves behind her ear.
Mom broke her tooth on the way to pick me up yesterday.
We're flat broke and this is a lot of expensive stuff happening.
Mom has been summoned to her principal's office Tuesday AM because she's been out so much for the medical crap she's dealing with and we don't know if she's gonna get fired.
All this combined has sent my stress level through the roof.

Good :)

We got Holly a new car today.
Holly's OKAY, and only ended up with bruises and soreness after a T-bone accident.
The car's in Holly's name so my mom doesn't have to worry about paying for it.
Mom has a workday on Monday and can go to the dentist.
Reports will be in Monday of the MRI.
We have medical insurance!
My grandma is amazing and helps my mom so much.
We got to go to Outback with all the family (Uncle Kirk, Aunt Donna, and Bri, too)
My friends Ryann and Kyle came down to the beach for the weekend and I got to see them tonight and they are driving me back to Campbell on Sunday so Mom doesn't have to make the 5 hour trip.
I talked to Matt for half an hour about everything. My mom is his 'other mother' so he's worried, too, and he helped me stay calm.
I have lots of friends praying.

Moral of the story, boys and girls? Find the bright side. It tends to help you stay sane.

Shoot me now.

It's just past 9:00.

I have been working on my research paper non-stop for 8 hours, save for the 20-minute shower I took.

The only reason I'm on here blogging right now is because I'm eating a bowl of Frosted Cheerios for dinner.

I have 20 notecards done.

I have to turn in 45 notecards tomorrow.  Plus a full outline.

My goal is to just get the notecards done tonight, and do the outline tomorrow between Religion and French.

I can already feel a migraine coming on.

Not cool.

This research paper may very well be the death of me.

Is it December 8th yet?