Monday, June 11, 2012

Be Not Afraid

I think it's all officially sunk in today.  I'm here.  I'm doing this.

I'm going to be perfectly honest with you.  I've been struggling with being terrified. Absolutely, nausea-inducing terrified.

It's all very overwhelming, and the internships haven't even started yet.  And let's face it, I'm high-stress enough as it is.  Plus, I've never had a job of any kind before, I've never lived in a big city before, I've never lived on my own in a big city before.  There's just a lot of new things to take in.  I put a lot of pressure on myself pretty much all the time to be "perfect" because, well, a lot of people in my life have spent a good portion of their time reminding me that I'm not good enough.  I worry that if I don't ace these classes, I'll be letting Mom down, and Uncle Ed down, and Dr. Thornton down, and on and on and on. And if I don't do well at this internship, then maybe I won't be able to find a career here and live my dream.  You can just imagine what a situation like this does to me mentally when I'm alone with my own thoughts.

But in the midst of the 6000 thoughts racing around in my head at any given moment, I can still hear God's voice clearly.  It's not loud, but it's a constant reminder of what He's asking of me right now.

Be not afraid.

I am His child first and foremost, and therefore I am automatically "good enough."  If I could do this on my own, I wouldn't have a need for God, so this is my chance to truly lean on Him and wait for Him to give me the peace and strength I need to succeed in this program.  I have nothing to be afraid of because God has got my back, 24/7, even when I'm not paying attention.  This life I'm living, it's all His, anyway.  It's under His control, it's going to take the path He has planned for me, so what is there to be scared of or worry about?  God wants only the best for His children, all I have to do is follow His lead.  If I focus on what I have to do, take it day by day and just focus on the task directly in front of me, I'll be fine because I have His perfect guidance.

Yes, I'm still human, so I know I'm not going to always remember this, but you know what?  He's so good, I know He'll come back to remind me as many times and as loud as it takes:

Be not afraid, child.  I am Here.

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