I know I've been talking a lot about that unnamed "friend" who left me. I probably don't need to explain why, as those of you who have been reading here or known me for long know that losing people I care about really hurts me and messes me up, and I'm sorry if it's been annoying or depressing or whatever. I'm going to try not to talk about it anymore after tonight, at least until I figure out what the resolution to it is going to be, but I want to get what I'm feeling tonight out because the way I feel and have felt today is a really big step forward in my transformation as an adult and as a Christian.
Somehow, by the grace of only God Himself, I woke up today feeling okay with the whole situation. Not okay as in I'm happy about it, but just that I've found peace with it. I think the talk that I had with Elizabeth last night about it played a big part in it. Like I said, she made me admit and accept that I've been trying to get this person to approve of who I am, but when push comes to shove, I don't need their approval. I thought this person was who they said they were, that they were the kind of Christian they said they were, but that's okay and it doesn't make me an idiot because I was only going on what they initially told me and showed me. But if they want to go against everything they made me believe about them, if they want to ditch me entirely based on one mistake, then that's not really the kind of "Christian" influence I want in my life, you know? It's like, if they want to walk out of my life, then please, allow me to hold the door. Just like I can't force the relationships with my mom and sisters, I can't force this person to be my friend.
So I'm done. I'm done fighting them on it. I'm done beating myself up about it. I'm done begging God to bring someone back into my life that didn't even respect me enough to give me a real goodbye. I'm not giving up on them, I'm just not going to base my happiness on how they choose to treat me anymore when I have SO much going for me right now. Taylor reminded me this afternoon that my joy can only be found in God and that he sees the changes that have happened in me and my life. Knowing that, knowing that I'm not imagining this, knowing that others can see how hard I am chasing after God and where my heart is at, it just makes me feel that much more confident in where I have found myself mentally today. God is my joy. God is my strength. I know that. There's not a doubt in my mind.
So to that person (because, for all I know, you've been reading every post I've written about you and will read this one, too, and if not, this is my chance to release it all): I will always be here with open arms. I will always be here willing to fix things and start over. I am truly sorry for the way that I acted, but I'm not going to keep apologizing, and I just hope you're sorry for the way you've treated me since then. I'm not going to fight you to stay, or I should say I'm not going to fight you to come back. Whether you believe it or not, I do love you as a friend and as children of God. I will probably always care about you because of the part you played in my spiritual journey, and I will always be here for you as a friend. The Bible says that love is patient, and I will never give up on the friendship I believe you and I could have. But you're not who I'm living for.
Courtesy of Hot Chelle Rae: "I'ma go 'cause I got no problem with saying goodbye. Is it wrong that I'm gonna be having the time of my life? 'Cause deep down I know I should cry, I should scream and get down on my knees. I should say that I need you here. But I'm gonna party tonight, 'cause honestly, I just don't care."
I am beyond okay with how my life is right now. I am blessed with incredible people and the ability to see God's grace and lessons and love all around me. No matter what this person says or does from here on out, I'm gonna be okay, because at the end of all of this, I'm going to end up living in eternal glory with the God who knows and loves me and my heart better than anyone.
And that beats EVERYTHING.