Monday, June 27, 2011

I don't know what's going on in my head right now.

I feel like I wanna cry right now, and it doesn't really make sense because today things were okay.  The bit of Chelsea/Mom screaming at each other was very expected and the same kind of crap I always hear about.  So it was a typical day.

I'm not PMSing.  My period was last week and for the past few months, I've actually been kind of regular (I apologize if that's TMI for anyone, but this is pretty much my diary).

Frankly, I have no idea what the heck is going on.  I feel like I'm going insane.  Maybe it's just the fact that I'm completely over this town.  I'm over the people here.  Chelsea and her drama is so stressful that sometimes it feels like Mom and Blake aren't even worth coming home anymore.  Constantly feeling like you're suffocating is no way to live, but at least for the summer, I don't have anywhere to go. 

I know I've been acting like I'm on a rollercoaster lately.  The tone of this blog has been a rollercoaster.  But that's because I feel like my life is on a giant rollercoaster and I have no idea what is coming with each twist and turn.  I don't know what my life is going to be like from day to day living with Chelsea.  A psychic wouldn't even be able to tell you that.  She is without a doubt the most unpredictable person I know at a time in my life when I am desperately searching for something or someone I can routinely rely on.  And right now, it feels like the only thing I can rely on is the fact that God is holding me.  Why is that not enough to comfort me?

I've got to figure out a way to make it to August 14th.  I have to remember that this is not the rest of my life.  If I can just make it back to college, and I can continue college, I can make it to the rest of my life.  A place where I at the very least feel like I can breathe normally and be myself and not have to worry so darn much. 

A day at a time.  I've got to just take life a day at a time.  That's all I can mentally and emotionally afford right now.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. :( Best of luck for the rest of the summer. August 14th is less than 2 months away. :)

    Vivielle (another college girl going into her junior year:)