Friday, June 17, 2011

No Parent Left Behind

My mom's principal sent this out in an email.  We both, and Mommom and Chelsea, cried from laughing. Enjoy. My thoughts are in bold.

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.  Spellings have been left intact...... 
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.  Execute? Well that's a bit of a harsh punishment for being sick!
2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.  Again, if you had her shot, I think there are bigger problems than truancy here.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.  What calendar are you using?  And more importantly, in what universe does January have 33 days?
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.  What was Jim gonna do her? Was she supposed to tutor him?  And what does a student have to administrate?
5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.  Where'd it go?
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.  Taken out of his face, huh? As opposed to...his knee?
7.. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.  I'm a little behind in anatomy. Where is the growing part located?
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.  Make the darn things move, then!
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.  Chris must be HUGE if he can fit a whole acre in his side!  We're talking mammoth huge here, people.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.  His consonants, on the other hand, are very tightly packed.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She Had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.  Life lesson numero uno: Go with what you know.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.  I'd tell the shoe store I want my money back, if I were you.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Yeah...I've got nothin.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.  That's not very nice!
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.  Uh you could just...I don't know...ask her her size before she leaves for school? Or wait till Saturday.  Just a thought.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.  That's a lot of pressure to put on a newspaper.  It's not its fault you forgot!  And there IS this newfound invention called a calendar. You can buy one pretty much anywhere.  I kindly suggest you look into one.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.  Awww, poor Sally.  If you're going to her funeral, I think it's safe to assume she won't be there any of the weeks after that, either.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. Must've been quite a weekend!
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.  I didn't know fertility issues were a good reason to miss school.  I'll make a note.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.  Why haven't you called the police yet, then?!
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.  I hope sweet Gloria is doing some rehabilitation of the gang members and isn't actually a part of one.
22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.  And again, call. the. cops.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.  Unless you, your other daughter, and your son go to Maryann's school, I really don't think the administration needs to know how you feel.  And also, I'd look into some therapy if you're really that unattracted to your husband.  But it's not my business.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.  Indeed.


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