Wednesday, June 1, 2011

There is no score in a game like this.

Today I had a conversation on Twitter with a friend of mine, and I can't get it out of my head. I'll just show you the important part, as there's no need to bore you...

Me: Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve my best friend Matt. Obviously I have a lot of work to do on my self-esteem. :-/
C: @callmemal13 Yes, you do. You deserve the best. *stern look*
Me: @C :) It's not that I think I deserve *bad* friends, I just sometimes feel like he does SO much for me & I don't do enough for him.
C: @callmemal13 It's a nice thing to want to do more for people, but make sure that the "I don't do enough" isn't your low self-esteem talking.
C: @callmemal13 Because I'm sure you do a lot and are always willing to help if you can.
Me: @C It probably is because he just never seems to need anything, you know? But him always being there to support me just makes me
Me: @C worry it'll become a one-sided friendship. Of course, we've known each other for nine years, so I'm probably just being silly.
Me: @C But you're right. I am always willing to help him in any way he needs me. He just, like I said, never needs me.
C: @callmemal13 I know I'm right. :-p Friends do not keep score. You're there for him IF he needs you. That's more than a lot of people get.

Friends do not keep score.  Such a simple sentence, yet it's given me a revelation today.

I'm a total perfectionist at heart.  I always want to be perfect at everything I do.  Failure scares me.  My need for perfection combined with the stresses in my life that have forced me to be the good child and people who have put pressure on me to be excellent leaves me with a feeling that what I do is never good enough.  Granted, sometimes it's no one's fault but my own.  I will be the first one to tell you that I am a completely Type A, controlling, high-stress girl.  Like I said, I want to be the best.  And while others may make me feel inadequate at times, I do it to myself just as much, so please don't take this as me blaming everyone else for my issues.

The situation today is 100% my own fault.  I've been clingy with Matt the past few days because of lots of stressful things that have been going on combined with the fact that he can't find the time to come over here.  I realized that this morning when I woke up, so I texted him to make sure he wasn't irritated with me.  He, of course, assured me he was fine, not mad, and is sorry he hasn't come over because he wants to be able to give me all of his attention and focus instead of leaving after 30 minutes like last Thursday.  Suffice to say, that conversation ended with me thinking What on earth did I do to deserve a friend like this?  I started thinking about how he is always there for me and to support me, and I never have to be there for him.  Hence the conversation with C.

And what she said really hit me.  Friends do not keep score.  It doesn't matter how many times he's been there to support me versus how many times I've supported him.  Maybe he's just lucked out in not having to deal with drama in his life for a while lately.  That doesn't change the fact that I will be there for him whenever he does need my support.  My being an emotional girl and him being a nonchalant guy does not make him a better friend than me.  And if he doesn't care about that kind of stuff, if he doesn't feel like I don't love him enough, why the heck should I?

He loves me.  I love him.  We're there for each other.  It's been almost nine years, and neither one of us is going anywhere.  That's all that really matters in the end.

Friends do not keep score.  Five simple words that brought on a huge epiphany.

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