This is all I have in me tonight..

This world is a sad and scary place sometimes.

I can't wait for the freedom of heaven.

Wake up, America.

Alton Sterling. Philando Castile.

I won't reiterate the horrific tragedy of what happened to these two men, because it honestly makes me sick just thinking about it and I can't get those videos out of my head.

In no uncertain terms, those men were murdered. And it's heartbreaking. It's disgusting. It's wrong. It's terrifying. It's beyond comprehension.

And it's not going to stop until people wake up to the very real problem of racism that is still rampant in this country. To my friends who are POC, I am so, so sorry. I am sorry for the fear you must feel on a daily basis. I'm sorry for the lack of safety and acceptance you are given just because of the color of your skin. I am sorry for the people who hate you. I am sorry this society is so undeveloped we haven't moved past racism. I am so sorry.

No, I do not hate cops. There are many times in my past that cops have rescued me and loved ones from dangerous and volatile situations. I respect good, hardworking cops for what they do and what they risk. And just like not all men are rapists or misogynists, no, not all cops are bad cops or racists, but you know what? THERE ARE WAY TOO FREAKING MANY THAT ARE. Two innocent black men were gunned down for no reason by white men with badges, men who were supposed to serve and protect them. And cops like this make it really freaking difficult to recognize the cops that aren't like them.

I got backhandedly accused by a woman that I know, whose husband happens to be a cop, of not caring about cop killings because I'm outraged by what these particular cops did. NO NO NO NO NO. Calling cops who execute innocent black people murderers does not mean I endorse the murders of cops. I am just as sad about the snipers who killed cops at a protest in Dallas tonight. Murder is murder. Murdering these cops is just as much murder as what happened to Alton and Philando.

I've managed to lose friends in the past 48 hours because of what I have posted on my Facebook and Twitter over all of this. But you know what? I frankly don't care. I refuse to stay silent when my friend has to explain to her 6 year old adopted from Africa why he'll have to take extra caution not to draw suspicion or negative attention; black children are having their innocence ripped away from them. I refuse to stay silent when I see ignorant comments from police apologists who ignore reality to stay safe in their own bubble where their white privilege is a made up war from progressives and Democrats. I refuse to stay silent when my friends talk about feeling like they need to wear full-body bulletproof suits sos as to not be "shot down like wolves." I refuse to stay silent when I have nightmares about some of my best friends, my brothers, being murdered by cops and wake up realizing that those aren't so farfetched dreams. Silence adds to the problem.

But those snipers in Dallas who shot 11 cops, killing 4 of them and leaving 3 others in critical condition, they are not the answer. They are also adding to the problem.

Wake up, people. Racism is alive and well. Black people are disproportionately attacked by police. Not all cops are bad. No one, cop or civilian, deserves to be murdered. And it's up to us to stop it. Each and every one of us.

How many more innocent people have to die before we wake up and do something about this? I'm scared to see what it will take.

I can't sleep.

As soon as I think I'm tired enough to actually sleep, I start thinking about Orlando again, and it doesn't stop.

All of these mass shootings make me sick, but for some reason, this one has affected me more than any other. Aside from the few hours that I was watching the Tony Awards, I've felt like I've been swallowing a lump in my throat and fighting back tears every second since I woke up Sunday morning and saw this terrifying news.

I think I was in shock at first, but as I read more details, it began to sink in.

And then the numbers came out. And the names. The names of the forty-nine people taken in this violence came trickling in, and it became very, very, sickeningly real.

It's one thing to know people died. It's another thing to see their faces and learn their names. To stare at their pictures and have it punch you in the face that these really were actual living, breathing human beings with real lives and loves and dreams, not just a story on the news.

I think about the one victim, Eddie Justice, who, while trapped in a bathroom by the gunman, texted his mother begging her for help. One of the last messages he sent her was "I'm gonna die." Can you imagine getting a text like that from your child? In the middle of the night? When you had no idea anything could be going wrong?

I think about the investigators who had to walk through that nightclub. As was told to CNN, they had to walk through scores of dead bodies listening to phones ring as family members and loved ones called desperately trying to check on them. And they couldn't touch the phones to turn them off or answer the calls because it was...well, a crime scene. So they just had to listen to the ringing while staring at utter carnage.

I saw a post online where one of the doctors at the trauma center that was, thankfully, only two blocks from the club, who posted a picture of his blood-soaked tennis shoes and talked about what it was like treating fifty-four injured people and how he's keeping those blood-soaked shoes as a reminder of how he felt that night.

Even just writing this out makes me think I'm going to start sobbing. I don't know the last time writing a blog post about a news story seemed to physically hurt me this much. Maybe it's because I have people whom I love very much who are part of the LGBT+ community or Muslim, and I just imagine one of them being inside that club. I don't know. What I do know is that this hurts.

But the one sense of peace I feel is that in the midst of all of this is that there are still stories of love coming out.

There was a security guard at the club who managed to get 60 or 70 (his estimate) out through a back door as they were all crammed into a back hallway, saving their lives before the shooter found them. And all he could say when the news called him a hero was, "I wish I could've done more. There are a lot of people dead."

There are pictures and videos of hundreds of people lining up outside of blood banks for hours in the Florida heat to donate blood. Veterans showing up to give blood. Muslim men, in the middle of their Ramadan fast and at a time when too many people will blame their religion as a whole, coming out in droves to donate. An Orlando Chick-Fil-A spending Sunday (the day they're supposed to be closed) cooking hundreds of chicken sandwiches and orders of fries to give to people waiting in the heat to donate. Women and children, including Muslim women in their hijabs, going around giving food, water, sunscreen, and other help to the people in the lines.

I could write an entire novel about gun control and how the fact that we had 173 mass shootings in the 164 days of 2016 including Sunday in Orlando scares the hell out of me. But right now, I'm tired, and I'm sad, and I'm scared, and I'm trying desperately to hold onto hope that we'll go back to a world where mass shootings aren't the norm - where first graders can go to school, and African Americans can go to church, and family and friends can go to the movies without being scared of being murdered.

I really wish my brain would turn off so I can sleep, but even in thinking that, I think about all the people down in Florida who probably haven't slept since the shooting and are going to be haunted by this. And it makes all my troubles just seem silly.

Lord, be near. I don't know what else to say but Lord, please come and be with the brokenhearted.

These are the brothers and sisters we lost:

Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34
Stanley Almodovar III, 23
Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20
Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22
Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36
Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22
Luis S. Vielma, 22
Kimberly Morris, 37
Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30
Darryl Roman Burt II, 29, of Jacksonville
Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32
Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21
Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25
Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35
Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50
Amanda Alvear, 25
Martin Benitez Torres, 33
Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37
Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26
Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35
Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25
Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31
Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26
Enrique L. Rios Jr., 25
Miguel Angel Honorato, 30
Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40
Luis Daniel Conde, 39
Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33
Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25
Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32
Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19
Cory James Connell, 21
Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37
Jerald Arthur Wright, 31
Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25
Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25
Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24
Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27
Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33
Brenda Lee Marquez McColl, 49
Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24
Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32
Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28
Frank Hernandez, 27
Paul Terrell Henry, 41
Antonio Davon Brown, 29
Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24
Akyra Monet Murray, 18
[one currently unnamed]

Romans 8:28. Just use this for something, Lord.

It's been an overwhelming few days.

Sunday, I had a seizure at church. My first seizure in 49 days.

I went to the ER because my neck hurt really bad and I couldn't get up without crying.

A CT scan revealed that my neck was fine from the seizure...but that there is a lesion in my throat right near where my thyroid used to be (yeah, thankfully it hasn't decided to grow back again). The CT machine doesn't have the capabilities of telling what the lesion is in terms of a tumor or cyst or something else, but the doctor said that with my history of tumors in that area, the odds weren't exactly stacked in my favor. He told me to get to my endocrinologist ASAP.

By some miracle, my doc had an appointment open yesterday morning. Usually, because she's only there a couple days a week, it's pretty much impossible to get a same-day appointment. I brought her the report, and the radiologist had actually written in there that he was recommending an MRI with contrast to find out what it is. So she got that scheduled immediately, and last night at 8:30 was basically the only time they had open all week. So I went. Then, I spent 4 hours in the ER to get my shunt reprogrammed because I couldn't just go to my neurosurgeon's office because of the hour. By 11:15, I was in excruciating pain (it started hurting worse about 3 minutes after the MRI started), so the wonderful doctor went and ordered me Morphine without making me try lesser drugs that were not going to work. Bless him.

Well, I wasn't expecting to get results on the MRI until next week when I went back for a follow-up with my doc, but her nurse called me today because the report had just gotten faxed to her. The MRI still couldn't tell us what is in my throat, so she said my options were just a regular ultrasound or an ultrasound-guided biopsy. I was like, uhhh biopsy, I want to know what the hell this thing is and what we need to do about it. So...I have a biopsy next Wednesday.

My nerves and anxiety have not really been handling this well the past couple of days. I'm really scared. How I found out about this lesion is literally the exact same scenario as how I found out I had tumors last time. And yeah, the chance of cancer is really low, especially because my tumors have always been benign, but it's just, this is the fourth time I've been faced with this. And I'm scared this is going to be another tumor and I'll have to deal with another surgery. I'm just overwhelmed because I so was not expecting to have to deal with any of this. And plus now, like, I've never had a biopsy before (believe it or not) so that is not really doing anything for my anxiety.

But here's the thing. I have been practically flooded with support since this started on Sunday. From everyone at church, to Summer who I was texting throughout that afternoon, to Clayton and Austin, to all of my soccer boys, I am acutely aware of just how incredible the people who love me really are. They tell me I'm Superwoman when I feel like I'm falling apart. They believe I'm going to be just fine when I'm struggling and scared. There hasn't been one second since I got this news on Sunday that I have thought I was alone in this. I am incredibly thankful that I have this security in the midst of a lot of uncertainty.

Last night, I had a dream about the day I met The Vespers. I specifically remembered how Bruno told me, "You're going to do big things with that testimony, bigger things than I'll ever do." And despite my fears, that's really helped keep my perspective in check. I can't control what's happening - it's happening whether I like it or not - but what I can do is pray that God will use whatever comes out of this to add to the story I've been given to tell people. Romans 8:28 says that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him. He's done that with stuff from my past that is a lot worse than this, so I believe He can use this, too, and make good come from it. I see that already in the fact that while it sucks that I had a seizure after seven weeks free of them, if I hadn't had that seizure, I wouldn't have found out about this lesion. So this what I'm praying for, because I feel like that's all I've got. I want His plan, not mine.

So yeah, I'm scared of what's going to happen, but in the end, I know that I'm not going to have to face it alone. And that's enough reason alone to say praise God.

Before I had the seizure, this is one of the songs we sang at church.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in, Lord,
still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I don't know about you, but I quit believing in coincidences a long time ago.

Jitters of the night before.

Twelve hours from now, I'll be sitting in my first grad school class in a program that I've dedicated the next two years of my life to.

You'd think after sixteen years of education, this wouldn't be so hard for me, but nerves are still running rampant through my body. I'm still scared I can't do this. I'm still scared my body isn't going to hold up. I'm still scared I'm not going to make it here and that everything I've worked so hard for will be for nothing.

But what I do know is that I believe that God has brought me here for a reason. It may not be the reason I planned on, but it's a reason. And I know that He promises to be with me every second of every day. And I know that I always fail to see the ability in me that everyone else is so far from shy about pointing out.

God tells us in the Bible THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE TIMES (depending on the translation) not to be afraid. I don't think it'd be in there that many times if it wasn't a lesson He really wanted to get across. He's bigger than fear.

Whatever happens, whatever tomorrow brings, I will sing of the God whose goodness I trust in with every fiber of my being.

Soli Gloria Deo.

Here we go.

An Interview with Jon Jorgenson

Okay, y'all, this seriously may be my favorite post ever on my blog in the past five and a half years. Today, I got to sit down with Jon Jorgenson of The Anima Series and pick his brain with some questions that I was curious to hear his thoughts and opinions on.  This is absurdly long, but it's a transcript of our half-hour long conversation, and you really should read all of it. I say that only because it is SO good and full of so much wisdom and truth that I really think it would be good for people to read.  And now I'm gonna shut up and just give it to you.

---

Okay, so my first question.

Yes.

In “A Godless Generation” you tell the Church that we need to stop only talking about what’s wrong with teenagers, and instead walk with them and invite them to see what is so much better with Christ. What are some ways the Church can put that into action?

That’s a good, that’s a really good question. Um, I think first is unpacking that idea of what is it, what do I mean by as far as focusing on all the bad things versus showing them all the good things. As a teenager, as anyone, if I tell you, don’t think of an elephant in a purple suit, what are you thinking about? An elephant in a purple suit. So when we walk around telling these teenagers, like, “don’t drink, don’t do drugs, don’t have sex, don’t do this, don’t do that, that’s a sin, that’s a sin,” immediately those are the things they start thinking about doing, whereas if they went to a church that was talking not about the things that the Bible says don’t do, but all the things the Bible encourages us to do - love one another, serve your neighbor, things like that - things that we teach in, like, um, Sunday school, and then, for some reason, they get lost when we grow up and people start exercising their independent will more, they’re, like, lost. So I think, like, not only in their youth groups if they’ve heard this, but if kids were to consistently hear it from the senior pastors, and also from their parents, and from their friends, as well. It’s, it’s having a focus on, ‘cause I think a lot of children, and a lot of teenagers have this idea of religion as and Christianity as, “Well, that’s just a rulebook that tells me what I can’t do,” when really, it’s a guidebook for all the things that we can do, and I think that really focusing the messages we create and the opportunities that we create for them with service projects or whatever that is, not of something like “I have to go to church,” but “I get to go to church.” You have to go do this service project in the community, you have to go on this mission trip versus I get to do that, you know? And that comes from focusing on the things Jesus frees us to rather than just on the things that he saves us from. 

So when I was growing up, I lost my dad to cancer - 

I’m so sorry.

- so it became very difficult for me to understand God as the ultimate Father because I never had an earthly one. What would you say to young people who have never experienced a father’s love on earth to help them understand the picture of God as a father?

I think, it’s a hard question for me to answer because I don’t know what that’s like to not have a dad. I would imagine that it’s something we can sort of reverse engineer, if that makes sense. So for me, I look at, I look at my earthly father, and the way that he has loved me, and the way that he has made so many sacrifices for not only me, but my sister, my mom, and our entire family. I look at all the things he’s done, look at all the things my earthly father’s done, and I think, “Wow.” You know, the Bible makes it kind of clear that my Heavenly Father is like that times a billion, so when I hear about a father, if I have no idea what a father is except for what I see God being, I would just have to do the same thing. I would have to look at all the things God has done for me and for my brothers and sisters here on earth. And when I look at that, I think, “Wow, that’s what a perfect father looks like. I don’t know what that looks like here on earth, but I know what the Bible tells me that looks like, so it’s kind of going in the opposite direction, I guess. I know what my earthly father did as a reflection of God, whereas someone who doesn’t really have that example would have to go right to the source and say, “Well, what has God done? Oh, that’s what it means to be, like, the perfect father.”

So recently an article spread around the internet from a woman who waited until she got married to have sex - 

I heard about this. I heard about this. 

- and then, because she was taught that was the only way to do it, and then she came to regret that decision because she felt ashamed and said if she could do it again, she wouldn’t wait. What do you think, if anything, needs to change in the Church in the discussion of sexuality and sexual experiences?

I think that’s the right question to ask, too, because from my understanding from reading the article and whatnot, um, it seemed like the girl that was writing it was blaming the wrong thing. I’m not sure who or what she was blaming, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t, it’s not necessarily that waiting was a bad thing. She, like, blamed the waiting, but what she should’ve been blaming or what I think is mostly at fault is exactly that, the picture that the Church painted for her of what sex is meant to be. And for me, as well, growing up, it was painted as, like, this dirty thing that you can’t do, you know, like I talked about a couple minutes ago. It was only, whenever sex was talked about in a Christian environment, it was only talked about in a negative light as, like, a bad thing that you shouldn’t be doing.  And for me, it was like this cardinal sin, like, if you did that before you were married, that was it, you’re done. And so I think sex, just like love, even though it’s part of it, just like love, just like money, just like, um, anything is, it’s a good thing that God has created, it is good, but when it’s mistreated, or when it’s twisted, that’s when it becomes bad. We do the same thing with money. We do the same thing with our talents and our gifts and our abilities. They are good things that God has given us, but when we twist them, they become bad. And we, with, for some reason, we’ve chosen sex, I think the Church a lot of times has chosen sex as this, as the one topic we only focus on what happens when it gets twisted. We never first paint the picture of what it was originally created to be. We just go straight to oh, it’s, it’s terrible, you know? So I think if we, if we told the whole story, ‘cause right now we’re only telling this much (holds fingers to simulate a small amount) of a narrative that’s this long (spreads hands out), you know, and so I think the thing that needs to change in the Church is we need to lose that, the Church needs to lose that shame, you know, and reclaim this idea of sex as this is something that God created and that the secular world has stolen and abused. We need to reclaim it as this is something good that God created for us to explore just like, you know, anything we have. Um, if we can paint that picture first, then I think people will, it’s not about, it’s not about “I’m not gonna do this till I’m married,” it’s “I’d rather wait to do this until I get married,” if that makes sense.

So I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “God doesn’t give you any more than you can handle.” It’s something a lot of people say, and often they attribute it to Christianity and something Biblical, even though it’s not. Where do you think that idea comes from, and what would you say to the people who believe it to be true?

Um, I think it’s, uh, that’s a saying I’ve thought about a lot, and you’re right. There’s nowhere in the Bible that it’s written, you know, but there’s a lot of things. Also, the idea of being the hands and feet of Jesus, nowhere is that written in the Bible, either. There’s so many of these phrases that we sort of pick out, and they sound really nice, so they kind of stick. And with that one specifically, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” I used to just abhor that statement, and I used to get so mad at anyone who would use it ‘cause, ‘cause I would think to myself, “Well, if God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle, like, why does, why do we need Him then? Like, what’s the point?” And I still think that, but I’ve also, I’ve come to understand the heart behind it and what the statement is really trying to convey, and that’s that God will never give you anything you can’t handle because He’s with you in the things you can’t handle. Like, that’s what we need to sort of, that’s what I’ve grown to understand is, like, added on to the end of the sentence that we’re just not saying ‘cause it doesn’t fit in a tweet, you know, as well. You know what I mean? It’s, yes, yes, God gives, like, God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle, no, but things that we can’t handle happen all the time, ALL the time, every day for me. But the beauty of it is, is like, God is with us during those things, and that’s what I think people are trying to convey, and I hope that’s what people understand they’re saying when they use that phrase. Not like, God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle ever, because then, the first time you get something where you’re like, “I don’t know if I can handle this,” immediately, you doubt that God is real or that God is good, and immediately you can say, “Well, then God’s not real,” but if you understand it as, God might not give you, it might not be like God gave me this disease, but it is this disease came, and I’m not sure if I can handle it alone, I’m not sure if I can handle it. God is with me to help me handle it. So.

Well, you pretty much just answered my next question, so…

Oh good! Hallelujah.

But I’ll read it anyway.

Sure.

Um, in “The Wall,” you say that God does His best work in seemingly hopeless situations. Can you expand on that as to what, maybe, like, what would you would say to people who are facing a hopeless situation? 

It’s interesting that you bring this up ‘cause I, I learn more and more about this topic all the time, and currently, I’m learning a lot about it by reading through the book of Jeremiah. Anyone who’s read it, it’s not the most uplifting book in the Bible, like, Jeremiah is given a difficult task. Basically, for people who don’t know, the Israelites are very much in rebellion against God at the time Jeremiah is spoken to by the Lord, and pretty much every message that God gives Jeremiah  is like, “I will come, and I’m going to bring fire, and I’m going to banish them to these places,” and it’s all very wrathful and all very angry and today, I got to Chapter 29, and Jeremiah 29:11, you know, that’s like the most hopeful verse in the entire Bible. “I know the plans I have for you, plans not to harm you, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future,” and that is in the middle of all of this hopelessness, you know? And for me, that spoke to me as God does His best work in hopeless situations because sometimes, God will allow those situations, those hopeless situations, those situations we can’t handle to come into our lives so that everything is taken away from us.  At the time that that, in Chapter 29, that is a letter that Jeremiah has written, and it’s God’s Word to these exiles, so that, that little phrase, that, like, uplifting Jeremiah 29:11, is written in the midst of one of the most hopeless and terrible situations the Israelites ever faced. They finally found their kingdom, then their kingdom has been taken away, their homes, they’ve been separated from their loved ones, they’ve been separated from their friends, and they’re, they have nothing. And you’ve heard, here’s another phrase that isn’t in the Bible: “When one has nothing, God becomes everything.” And that’s true, I think. Sometimes, what happens is these situations come into our lives where we really have nothing, and we feel hopeless, but I think sometimes God allows that to happen so that, in a way, we’re forced to turn to Him because we have nothing else to do, and also, I think God loves when every other option has run out because when He does come in, and He does blow things out of the water, there’s no other explanation we can give, you know? When the Israelites are brought back from Babylon, they couldn’t have done it by their own power, they couldn’t have done it by their own might, they have no other excuse than to say that has to have been God, which means God is undeniably real. It’s God’s way of sort of, by using hopeless situations and bringing us out of them, it’s God’s way of, part of it is it’s God’s way of evidencing - I don’t know if evidencing is a word - you know, evidencing Himself in a way, that He is real.

I actually remember in the Ask Anima video, or maybe it wasn’t Ask Anima but it was a video, that God responds to the prayers of the destitute, and you said it’s only when we have nothing that we begin to understand how much God is truly  everything. 

Yeah.

This is what I get for transcribing your videos.

I love it! I love it!

Okay, a friend of mine currently in seminary mentioned that she and her fellow students have agreed that disciplined, regular reading of the Bible can be very difficult, even for them. What advice would you give to people wanting to get into a pattern of reading the Bible on a regular basis but are struggling with that discipline?

Yeah, um, my, uh, I guess part of my advice, this is such terrible advice, but, um, do it. Like, it is a hard thing, but, like, it’s the same if you want to, like any discipline, not even just a spiritual discipline, any discipline! If you want to become a better writer, the only way to do that is to literally write every day, and the thing is, any writer will also tell you is that the worst thing you can do is write every day and then go back and look at those writings and pick apart how bad it is. We do the same thing with our Bible reading, don’t we? We finish reading for the day, and we look at it, and we judge the experience we just had. We judge the experience, like, “I got so much out of that!” or “Man, I didn’t get anything out of that.” And if I didn’t get anything out of that, then I obviously suck at reading the Bible, I should never study it again, I’m going to put it away. Don’t judge the experience, ‘cause it’s not about that. I would say, just like you would make a commitment to yourself to start running every day, or to start eating healthy, or to write every day, whatever it is, make a commitment to yourself that, “I’m going to read.” My pastor from home says fifteen minutes a day, fifteen minutes. I read one chapter a day of the Bible. That is it. You know, sometimes when I’m writing a message or something, I’ll read a little more, but my quiet time pretty much consists of one chapter a day. Sometimes I finish that chapter, and I’m like “Lord, I have no idea what that was about.” But you know what? Next time I read that chapter, maybe I will. And sometimes it’s not about me understanding it, sometimes it’s just about obediently listening to the Lord. Sometimes that’s what it’s about. So I think that, the hard part is that there is no magic button that you press and it’s like all of a sudden, you’re disciplined. It’s like eating vegetables. I used to hate vegetables. I used to hate greens. When I started eating them, though, I made myself eat them, now I crave them. I crave them, like, sometimes, I’m at a salad bar right now! Like, I crave greens now. It’s the same with the Scriptures. I used to just like, ugh, gosh I have to sit down and study the Bible. Now I crave it, after slowly forcing myself to do it for a while. And there’s nothing wrong with forcing yourself to do it, you know, there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re not like, you’re not a heathen if you don’t want to read your Bible. There’s a lot of people who don’t want to read their Bible, you know? But, um, but by forcing yourself to do it for a while, you’ll wake up one day and that’s what you’ll crave, like, your day won’t feel complete without it. So just do it. 

Um, what would you say to people who have been burned by Christians or the Church, whether it be bullying, or ostracized, or other mental or emotional trauma? Things like that can turn people away from Christianity or faith as a whole.

Um, first of all, I would say that I’m sorry.  I’m truly, truly sorry.  That’s one of, um, that’s one of the things that’s really heaviest on my heart, and one of, one of the big reasons why I do what I do. You know, ‘cause I want to give people a different picture of Christianity and, most of all, a different picture of Jesus and God than a lot of churches in America do. Like I said before in videos, there are some churches that are doing it right, and you know, good on them, keep it up, but first, I would say I’m sorry because that’s something too many people have to deal with. Second of all, I would say never, ever equate your negative experience with the church as a negative experience with Jesus because sometimes the Church is the furthest place from Jesus, so never equate your negative experience with the Church with a negative experience with Jesus or God.

That’s really good advice and sort of the same realization that I came to.  Okay, when I first saw the “Who You Are: A Message to All Women” back when it was first going viral, I was rather surprised to see that the message was coming from a guy. What made you want to write a speech to women first? 

Yeah, um, well, to answer the question, I didn’t write it first, as a matter of fact. I wrote the Who You Are: Men and Who You Are: Women at the same time, I think three years before the videos came out. Um, I wrote them originally for a summer camp, the summer camp I wrote my book Authentic Love about, I wrote the Who You Are poems for that camp back in the summer of 2010 and it was to, um, to introduce the topic of purity and abstinence. And to go back to kind of what we were talking about earlier with that, is growing up, I’d always been told, like, “No sex before marriage, no sex before marriage.” All the topics surrounding purity and sexual purity were, “How far is too far? What is okay to do? What isn’t okay to do?” And I just remember sitting there, I was a counselor now, not a camper anymore, and I was thinking, “You know, all of my friends, we went to these talks. For most of us, they didn’t really help, or not as much as they could have.” And I got to thinking, this idea kind of sparked, okay, purity, we in the Church have looked at purity, and we’ve made it a purely physical thing. Purity starts from the heart. The number one verse that comes up if you look up “purity bible verse” is Psalm 51:10 which is, “Create in me a pure heart, oh God.” David doesn’t say, “Create in me pure actions so I don’t sleep with Bathsheba again.” He says, “Create in me a pure heart, oh God.” So I thought to myself, I’m like, “Purity is a much more, the idea of purity, it’s much more of a heart thing first than it is about our physical actions, and if we can have a pure heart, and we act from that, I’m pretty sure our actions will be pure, as well.” And that got me thinking about identity. Like, if we have an accurate picture of who we are in God’s eyes, that cleanses us, that cleanses our heart, our heart will be pure so our actions will be pure. Oh my gosh! And so I was like, “Hm, what if I just, like, wrote down who these students are in God’s eyes? What does God say who they are?” So I just started writing. I wrote both the pieces in fifteen minutes and never, it was one of the first, like, spoken word things I ever wrote in my life. I didn’t know I could do that. I just, like, started writing, and it came out, and I’ve never changed the words since. Like, there was no second draft. And so I said them, said them that summer at the camp, and they had a really profound effect on a lot of people, and the next summer, I came back, and they asked me to say them again, so I did. People would ask me, people would email me throughout the year saying, “Can you send me the words? I want to give it to my friend,” or “I keep it on my fridge,” and this and that, and about, a little over a year ago now, we decided to make the video. We decided to make it because I was pretty sure it was going to be my last summer as a camp counselor, and I wanted these campers to be able to take it home. And so we just made the video, and we were going to make the second one, and that was going to be it. There was no such thing as The Anima Series. That was it. And then, all of a sudden, the video started going kind of crazy, and we were like, “We should make more.” and I was like “okay, but like, we should call it something, and Danny was like, “Anima!” “What does that mean?” “It’s the Latin word for spirit.” I’m like, “Yeah, but call it The Anima Series, ‘cause anima’s going to be too much like anime.” And so, we did that. And so, to answer your question in a very roundabout way, I didn’t write that first. And a lot of people kept bringing up, an issue when the video came out, everyone’s comments were all about gender identity, and gender, and like why is a guy saying this, and why can’t a girl say this. And I was like, a girl can say it! I said it because I wrote it. And I think those people who are like, the people who have a positive reaction to the fact that a guy would say this, and also the people who have a negative reaction to the fact that a guy would say this are kind of looking at it in the wrong light, because these aren’t really my words. This isn’t who I think, like, this isn’t something that I dreamed up as, like, this is who all women are. This is, like, what I felt God spoke into my heart of who He sees all women as. So it doesn’t matter if I speak it, or if you speak it, or a dog barks it, or, you know, a donkey says it Old Testament style. It’s a message who God sees us, who we are in God’s eyes, not in my eyes, not in anyone else’s eyes, and through my God lense, and the Spirit sort of shows me that I see them that way. And what’s also interesting is that people call it sexist a lot of the time, and I’m like, I could see where you would come to that, like, the one for guys starts out “you are strong,” the one for girls starts out “you are beautiful.” Yes, absolutely. That’s meant to attack the main stereotypes that men and women deal with, but if you look at the climax of both of those videos, the language is almost exactly the same, when we talk about being a daughter or a son of God. Like, that is what it’s really about, that’s the climax, that’s the main point, that’s who we really are, and the language there is exactly the same. So it doesn’t matter if I say it. You can say it. Anyone want to make another video of it? Go! That’s what it’s there for.

I mean, now, they can just look at the anniversary video and see -

See all the different people. See you on it.

- see a whole bunch of girls saying it. 

Right?

Um, can you expand a bit more about what went into the poem “What Are You Afraid Of?” Fear is something everyone experiences at some point. So what pieces of the Bible really helped you overcome the fear that you were facing, or was there any advice that you were given?

Yeah, that was, um, that poem was sort of sparked from a conversation I was having with a friend. It was late at night, we were sitting at my house, we were watching TV, it was not like we had our Bibles open and we were talking, we were, like, watching football. And I don’t know if you have any friends like this, but it was, like, a totally chill night, we were only talking about sports and food, and all of a sudden, he turns to me and he goes, “Jon, what do you think the opposite of fear is?” And I was like, “Not tonight, man! Like, I love talking about deep stuff. I love the Bible. I love God. I love it, but like, I don’t want a theological discussion right now. Don’t bring this on me. Sometimes I just want to have a Big Mac and watch sports.” And so I was like, “I don’t know, maybe this, maybe that,” but I couldn’t get that question out of my head. And I was like, what is the opposite of fear? And so that question sparked that. I started writing down a list of all these different things that could be the opposite of fear, love, trust, peace, all of these things, and then I looked at that list, and I was like, man, God really is, like, Scripture really says that God either is one of these things or He provides one of these, every single one of them. And also that command “do not be afraid” which is just over and over and over again, like, no wonder that we don’t have to be afraid because God is literally the opposite of it! And so, that question was sparked in my head of what room does fear have? Why would we be afraid?

I have one more question.

Yeah.

What would you say or what advice would you give to people who feel like they have stories from their lives to share with the world, but they’re just not sure how to make it happen? You have a pretty popular YouTube channel, you’ve written and self-published a book, so any tips you could share would be great.

Yeah, um, anyone who has, first of all, I think anyone who has a story they want to share, they’re already ten steps ahead of everyone else, because a lot of people start with, “I have a point that I want to make,” or “I have a product that I want to push,” or whatever it is, but really, what it all really starts with is a story. People are drawn to stories. We’re drawn to stories. That’s why people go and see theater. That’s why movies and TV shows and all that is so popular. It’s why the teachings of Jesus were so popular, ‘cause he taught mainly through stories, through parables. So the fact that someone starts with, “I have a story I want to tell” is amazing. So, and the fact that you already know what that story is is, like, half the battle. So if you know what that story is, awesome. Then, next step, is to ask yourself the question “what am I good at?” meaning “what avenue should I use to tell that story?” because I could use, I could’ve started a restaurant to do what The Anima Series does, trying to encourage, you know, encourage people, uh, encourage ordinary people to do extraordinary things. I could’ve started a restaurant to make food that was new and interesting, and I could create environments where people could have community and all these things. So like, I could’ve started a restaurant, or like, I could’ve started, like, a fashion line for Anima, or whatever it is, and I could use clothes to spread the message and to tell that story, but the thing is, I don’t know how to start a restaurant and I have no fashion sense, as you can see, so that would have been silly. What I am good at, I can write, and I can speak, and surprisingly enough, I’m not good at editing videos, I’m not good at filming videos. Luckily enough, God provided me with a team of people who are good at that, and their strengths are more in that category. When I tried doing the editing and all that by myself years ago, when I tried starting this website called Creators for the Creator, it totally failed because I was doing things to tell my story that didn't fit my skill set at all. So you have to look at, what am I good at? If you are a good writer, then start a blog, tell your story that way, write a book, tell your story that way. If you’re a good speaker, then start a podcast, tell your story that way. If you’re good at interviewing people and getting information out of people, start a podcast, for sure.  If you have just a very, like, bright personality and are someone who’s really comfortable in front of a camera, start a YouTube channel, tell your story that way. Whatever it is, what you have to, it doesn’t matter how good your story is, if you are not authentic to and honest about yourself as far as what you’re good at, if  you don’t lean into your skill set to tell that story, the story’s not going to come across to people.  And, and like I said, it doesn’t have to be a blog, it doesn’t have to be a YouTube channel, it doesn’t have to be whatever it is, every business that has been started has started with a story. Every successful business is started because of a story, you know?  If you had a story about how you had heart problems, and you started running, and you started getting physically fit, and that helped heal you, and through that, you feel that God really helped heal you or whatever it is, and you want to inspire people to do the same and begin to, like, really take care of their bodies in that way? Then start, like, an Instagram account where you post pictures of, like, running and fitness and health and all of those things. Like, whatever that is, there’s a million ways to do it. It’s about knowing what your story is, knowing what inspires you, what message you want to get out there, and then saying “what am I good at, what’s the best way that I can get this out there?” 

Okay, well, thank you for your time.

Thank you! I love this. This is good, and like, your questions are awesome. 

-- 

See? Didn't I tell you it was good? I'm so thankful to have had the opportunity to sit down with Jon today.  Now, check out the links throughout the interview, and then go tell Jon (you can also email him at jonjorgenson3@gmail.com if you don't have Twitter) hi. I know I sound like a broken record in my support of him and his team at The Anima Series, but I really do believe that strongly in what they're doing.

I'm a mess, I confess.

Today, I've been struggling with fear.

And then, consequently, I've been struggling with how to get rid of that fear because I know I'm not supposed to be afraid because I have God with me.  And then that just makes me think about how Chris and Brennan like to tell me that I need to JUST STOP TRYING which makes me get frustrated with myself.

Yeah.  I'm a mess.

Basically, I think Satan is just trying to mess with me.  I keep thinking about my upcoming appointment at Duke on April 3rd, and all these fears have come out of nowhere about that day turning into a repeat of August 2009 and my shunt will be broken and I'll need surgery and it'll be a mess.  It started last night with me having a dream that instead of getting to hang out with The Vespers when they come to the area on the 7th and 8th, they came and visited me in the hospital.  So basically I started off the day on a freaked out note, even though I know those sweet friends of mine would come visit me in a heartbeat if I were in a situation like that.

But still, I have nothing to be afraid of.  Do I want to have surgery?  Uh, it's not exactly at the top of my bucket list, but if my shunt is actually broken, then yes, I do, because it will give me an answer to the months of constant, incomprehensible pain.  And the things that happened back in 2009 with my brain surgeries were freak complications, there's no reason for me to think that having another surgery would mean similar things would happen.  And if I'm going to have surgery, I'll be in the hands of doctors at one of the best hospitals in the world.

All of that is just me trying to appeal to the rational-unemotional part of me.  Because believe it or not, that does exist.

The REAL reason I have nothing to be afraid of, though, is because I know God is who He says He is.  He's taken care of me through so many other things, and I know He's going to be right with me through this appointment and whatever may come of it.  My God is bigger than any of my health issues, but more importantly, He is bigger than the enemy who is trying to distract me from the things I know to be true about God with fear that has no place in the heart of one of God's children.

The Bible tells us over and over again not to fear.  As I sat down to write this post, this verse popped into my head.

1 John 4:16-19 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.  In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him.  There is no fear in love.  But perfect casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because He first loved us."

Perfect love casts out fear.  God is perfect love.  That means that God is the only one that will be able to get rid of this fear.  It's not something I can get rid of on my own.  Like David defeating Goliath, Jesus took this fear to the Cross with him, so I'm just going to have to lay it at his feet and pray that God will overtake every piece of me and make all the negative thoughts disappear so that I can focus on the security that is found in Him.  He's got to take this, because I can't defeat fear on my own.

Getting some answers. Finally.

(Whew. Caught up.)

I was woken up this morning by a phone call from my doctor's office.  The imaging center run by the local hospital has a spot open for a CT tomorrow at 11:30 so we booked it.  I texted the people who know about this and asked to be kept updated, and then fell back asleep for a few hours.

Mom and I left about 3:45 to drive over to the imaging center to pick up this nasty contrast I have to drink tonight and tomorrow morning before the scan.  I think she felt sorry for me, because then she took me to Sonic and bought me ice cream.  Then we came back home and I tried not to get caught up in my own head.

Tried is the operative word.  I failed.  I'm scared, I'll admit it.  Scared because my doctor ordered a full CT of my entire abdomen and pelvis because she's concerned, scared because I don't want this to interfere with Campbell, scared because I just want answers now and it's going to suck waiting several days for the radiologist to read the scans and report back to my doctor.

I know that God is with me and taking care of me.  My faith in Him has not faltered at all through this.  Instead, it's more just me beating myself up for not taking 100% comfort in His power and guidance and getting stuck on all these human emotions that are keeping me from trusting Him wholeheartedly.

Thankfully, He's good enough that He blessed me with the presence of friends who all helped me in very different ways.

Hunter, a guy I know from school, messaged me out of the blue today, and at first I was suspicious because we haven't talked since before the end of last semester, but he said he just wanted to see how I was.  He started telling me about his plans to propose to his girlfriend (and it still kind of blows my mind to know that I'm old enough to be watching a bunch of my friends get engaged, one of them is getting married on my birthday next year!), and I told him about DC, and then I felt this urging to tell him about this liver thing.  He said he had to get off the computer, but asked me to call him, and we spent more than 20 minutes talking about God and His plan for our lives, and Hunter spoke a lot of truth and wisdom into my heart about who God is and His control over this situation.  It was a total surprise.  We haven't talked much since we met, so I wasn't expecting him to care THAT much.  He ended the conversation by saying, "Mallory, I love you as a sister in Christ, and God loves you, and know that no matter what, you have so many people who will be here for you through whatever this turns out to be."  It was just a real, tangible, heartwarming reminder for me that I am so blessed and loved by the King of the universe.

Later, another friend told me in the middle of a conversation something very humbling.  I've heard things similar to it before, but never from this friend, and it never ceases to bring me to my knees in gratitutde. "Your graceful attitude towards life has really been an inspiration to me."  God's using me, y'all.  I don't think I'll ever get used to realizing that.

Lastly, the majority of my night has consisted of me laughing hysterically with my good friend Courtney who somehow always knows what to say and when to say it.  It was the perfect distraction to get away from my own thoughts tonight.  I love that girl to pieces.

Whatever's going to happen, it's His will, and He's got me in His hands.  I'm doing my best to find more and more security in that with each passing hour.  For now, though, I'm going to bed.  My allergies are already all out of whack.

As a final note, here is a guest post I wrote for another blogger's "I Was Broken" series.  It's the story of how God's redemption made beauty out of the ashes of my life.  You know me, I'm an open book, so feel free to leave any comments or questions you have once you read it.

Back and Forth

My emotions have sort of been going all over the place today.

Part of the day, I've been in a really good mood.  Because I love my internship, because I love TFAS, because I have amazing friends.  Lots of reasons.  Then part of the day, I'm scared.  Really scared of what is going on with my liver.  It's been back and forth, back and forth, back and forth all day long.  Not very helpful when you're overtired.

I guess part of it is I'm frustrated with myself for still being afraid when I know who God is and that He loves me and is taking care of.  I know I shouldn't be afraid, because as Phoebe put it, "As a believer, the worst thing that could happen to us (death) is really the best thing that could happen to us.  The prize of the upward call of Christ is being in paradise with Him."  And she's so right.  And I know that in my heart.  I know God is going to take care of me no matter what this CT scan says.  So why can't I just stop being afraid??

Oh yeah, because being Christian doesn't make me any less of a human.

Honestly, as self-centered as this sounds, I think I'm more scared of not getting to go back to Campbell on the 19th than I am of dying.  How stupid is that?  It feels stupid to me, to be scared of missing school and not be scared of dying.  I feel even dumber for worrying about something that is probably going to turn out to be nothing.  And you'd think that after everything I've been through, I'd be used to this by now, but I really don't think a story like mine is something you ever get used to in any sense.

I don't even know if what I'm saying is making any sense.  Basically, I just can't figure out how to quit worrying, even though I know worry is from the enemy, when I know in my heart and soul that God's got me in His hands.  He's taking care of this.  He's got a plan for whatever's going to happen, and nothing I say or do is going to change that.  He hasn't left me yet, and He never will.

Focus on the facts of the matter, Mal.  Fact number 1:  God is here.  Fact number 2:  God is taking care of me.  Fact number 3:  God has put tons of people in my life to keep me pointed in the right direction.

I'll quit rambling for now.  I need sleep.

Bear this in mind: a true friend is hard to find.

I don't know what to say.

I'm still kind of mentally exhausted.

The stuff with those friends who thought I was a traitor came to a boiling point that ended up with me sitting on the steps outside crying at 2 am.

The good news crying that hard that late makes for some solid sleep.

After everything that's happened in the past week, I'm really starting to question who my real friends are.  The past seven days have been filled with people simply turning out to be not who I thought they were.

I know, I know, Christians are just as messed up as anyone, but some of the people that I thought were some of my best friends are not acting like it at all, and it makes my heart hurt.

I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, and my heart is caught up in all of the pain and drama and heartbreak of the past week.  After all of the work I've done to get past the trust issues I had built up over the years, right now I feel like I need to do some serious reevaluation of who I decide to trust, at least as intensely as I have been trusting certain people.

I don't know what to do.  I know I don't want to turn back into that scared little high school girl who didn't talk to anyone, and I love my ability to be kind to everyone, even the people that hurt me, but I have to protect myself.  I can't keep spending nights in tears just because people are human and inevitably will let me down.  My life is too good to stay upset over people who don't even matter in the long run.

Oh, Jesus, give me wisdom...I don't want to shut people out unnecessarily, but I can't keep putting my heart out there for people who just step on it.  I don't know who I can trust anymore.

Is this what spiritual attack feels like?

All week long, I've felt like I've been on the verge of tears.

Constantly.

And I have no idea why.

Even when I'm with my friends and I'm laughing, or I'm in class and I'm thinking about the work, I feel like I'm about to start crying.

I have no reason to be sad!  And I really felt like I had a better handle on my stress.  And it's not like I've gotten any bad news, or gotten in any fights with friends, or anything like that.

I tried to ignore it.  I didn't want to talk about it on here because I thought that it would go away, but it didn't.  It just got worse.

And now I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and crying (granted, watching a show about giving a drug addict an intervention probably wasn't the smartest idea being in this state).  I feel like every muscle in my body is in pain.

I want to know what the heck is going on in my world right now.  I want to know why I feel so sickeningly sad when I have no reason to be.  I want to know why I'm suddenly paralyzed with a fear of everyone in my life when this semester was the FIRST time that I ever actually felt secure in my relationships.

God, what is going on?  Please help me.

Fear

You may or may not have heard of Angie Smith before.

If you have, you already know that she had a book come out on September 1st called "What Women Fear".

It is also known as "MALLORY READ THIS BOOK IMMEDIATELY."

Fear and I know each other well.  Fear has owned me for a long time.  So when I first heard the title of the book this spring, I knew I had to read it.

So far, I've only made it through Chapter 5 (darn you, college education), and so far the chapter that stood out to me the most was Chapter 2: Fear of Rejection, Abandonment, and Betrayal.  (Though side note, I imagine I'll really relate to Chapter 7: Fear of Not Being Significant, as well.)  I'd like to introduce you to my life story in one sentence:  I've been rejected, abandoned and betrayed so many times in my life that I am now terrified of it happening again with every single person I meet.

For twelve years of grade school, I was bullied pretty much every day.  I was the girl who didn't have anyone to eat lunch with.  I walked down the halls and listened to people scream what they were saying about me just so they could make sure I knew.  The popular girls would pretend to be my friends long enough for me to believe them and for them to find out a secret, just so the entire school could know it.  And this is something I have never told anyone except my mother until now: I exaggerated my seizure disorder in hopes that I would have to be taken out of school.  It didn't work, but I was that desperate.  I was that miserable.

I thought that once I got out of that school, out of that town, I wouldn't be the shell of myself anymore.  I wanted to believe that other people would be different, so I could be different.  Matt (my best friend) swore to me I'd find people who accepted me the way he did.  My mom promised me I'd make friends. 

And eventually, I did.  My mother talked to a colleague of hers, and that colleague told her niece to talk to me because we lived in the same dorm.  (Thanks, Mom. Everyone wants to have their mommy forcing people to be their friends.)  But thanks to six brain surgeries, I didn't have the energy to go out and meet people for the first semester that I was actually here (Spring '10).  By the Fall 2010, I did, though, even despite dealing with the MRSA and power chair, etc.  I joined a Bible Study led by that same girl whose aunt made her talk to me. 

But still.  The fear was there.  Every time I got close to someone, I heard the voices.  You better stop.  You're gonna get screwed.  They don't really care.  The memories of grade school haunted me every single time I felt myself beginning to trust someone.  So I'd retreat out of fear that pretty much consumed.  I'd basically end up sabotaging things so I could save myself from what I was sure was coming.

And since I'm being completely open and honest here, when I got into those places of being scared these new "friends" would hurt or leave me, I didn't talk to God nearly as much as I should have.  Those were also usually the times when the drama and craziness with my family would hit an annoying peak, so I really didn't trust them, either.  I didn't lay my worries at His feet like he asks me to.  I told myself that I couldn't trust anything or anyone, including myself, and especially God.

But starting today, I am officially done with that.  And I have Angie to thank for being the spark that ignited this change.  I will be the first to tell you that I love deeply, and I've finally realized that loving people as much as I do is a good thing, and it's not my fault if they misuse it.  And even more than that, when I get hurt, I have to rely on God.  He is the ONLY one that comfort me the way I need to be comforted.  Not Matt, not my mother, no one.

So thank you, Angie.

And thank you, God for giving me a million second chances.  I sure as heck need them.

Why can't I trust?

I don't think it's any secret that I have trust issues.

With people outside of this computer, anyway.

I've been, needless to say, screwed over so many times in my life that I have a hard time trusting that anyone who seems like they care about me isn't going to break my heart or betray me in one way or another if I let them in.

But I think maybe perhaps I'm finally learning that not all people are so horrible.

Today, I had my first Science lab of the semester.  Our activity was to go over to a nearby lake and pick up trash so we could compare what was just trash and what was recyclable.  Well, thankfully this is college so most people had cars so we all just carpooled over there.  I rode over with a guy named Jared who saw me wandering around nervous to ask anyone (yes, I still get nervous around people I don't know) for a ride. 

We ended up spending the whole time talking as we walked around picking up garbage, and by the end of the lab, he gave me a ride back to my dorm because my back was killing me, and I offered to help him with any labs that he needed help with during the semester.  (Now before you get any ideas he's 28 and married. ;) haha)  It was really nice, though, and an experience I'm still not very used to.

I think part of my problem is that all throughout grade school, people didn't appreciate my intelligence or the fact that I liked helping others.  They saw my offers to help them on assignments as me being condescending, which was the exact opposite of my intentions.  If I talked or answered questions in class, I was showing off, and if I kept my mouth shut, I was too stuck up to bother talking to me.  So basically, I couldn't win.  This is probably the best thing about college - people are just slightly mature enough to accept help when they need it.  Getting the opportunity to help someone learn something leaves me feeling so fulfilled and happy.  I love it.  And for twelve long years I couldn't understand why no one realized that. 

This fear of being hurt seeped into my personal life outside of school, as well, but I have to say for a long time I had good reason.  I honestly can't tell you the number of times that people I went to school with would pretend to be my friend long enough to get me to trust them and tell them my secrets, only for them to turn around and tell those secrets to anyone who would harass me about them.  Really, guys, the first time I remember this happening was in first grade.  I was five. 

So by the time I got to high school, after the most brutal attack on my mind and spirit during my freshman year, I just stopped.  I stopped talking, I stopped trusting, I stopped believing in anyone and everyone.  That is, except for Matt.  For some unexplainable reason at the time, he was the one person I could let myself talk to.  That's how he quickly became my best friend - because he was the only friend I had. 

But even then, as much as I did and still do appreciate who he is to me and for me, I struggle with the little voice in the back of my head (satan?!?!) that has told me several times that he will be just like all the others.  That he doesn't care about me, either.  That I'm setting myself up for heartbreak.  And I can't figure out why I still have that voice, why I still bother even hearing that voice, after he's been there to listen to all my fears and still tell me he absolutely does care about me.  I thought after we had that talk last month that that voice was gone.  You have no idea how badly I wish it wasn't here anymore.  But at least once a year, I get that unnerving fear.  And every single time I say anything about it to Matt, he listens and reassures me. 

Why isn't that enough?

Why isn't praying to God to protect my heart enough? 

Why is it so unbelievably difficult for me to trust the one person who has never lied to me or betrayed me, the person who I could trust in when I couldn't even trust my own family?

My love language has always been words of affirmation.  I crave hearing that someone cares about me.  I thrive on simply hearing that someone loves, appreciates, or needs me.  And yet, it seems like the more I care about a person, the harder it is for me to believe them.

Wow.  I have no idea where that came from...

Scared

So I got into English today, and went up to my professor to tell her that I would have the paper I needed to make up to her by no later than Monday, and to remind her that she never got back to me about when/where I could make up the fiction test I missed.

Then, she told me that she needed to have a "conference" with me because I've missed so much class. 

And that was when the tears came, and I couldn't stop them.

This, of course, is the professor who I feel least comfortable talking to, and the professor who scares me the most, and the professor I think likes me the least.

My Religion professor told me that if a teacher wants to fail me because of my absences, the administration can't do anything to stop it, even though my great-uncle's friend said they could.  But it's just. not. fair!  How could I possibly be punished for my grades when every single time that I've been out I've had a medical reason?

I can't think of any other reason she would want to talk to me, other than my grade is in trouble.

I'm working so hard all the time!  And it's like I can't catch up or catch my breath.

I'm trying not to be scared about what this talk is about, but I can't help it.

Basically, today sucks.  And when it sucks this bad, I need ice cream.

It's official.

I can't catch a break.

Last night, I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. I pulled my foot towards me to see how the mobility was with my newly-knicked heel cord. As soon as I do, I heard a loud pop. Like someone popped their shoulder or all ten of their fingers at once. It freaked me out for a minute, but then I remembered that my left foot did the same thing after getting the cast off it. So I figured things were fine, and eventually I fell asleep.

Cut to this morning. My alarm went off, so I turned it off, put my walking boot on, and got up to go to the bathroom. The second step I take, something pops again! I rode my chair to classes all day, so I didn't even think about it, except for noticing the new stabbing pain.

This afternoon, when I got back from English. I stood up to go walk down to my friend's room (something I've done before, in fact I just did it yesterday), and I couldn't bear putting weight on it. So I call my doctor's office and my mom, and they both say I should stay off it, and wait till Monday to see if it's better.

Well, already, I can tell it's not.

It's worse.

Much worse.

Standing up to move from my chair to the toilet makes me dizzy.

And as of half an hour ago, I had a fever of 99.7. For one, it's rare for me to get any fever at all. I have a hard time staying around 98.6, usually being much lower. I just took it again, it's 100.4. The doc's "warning sign" number is 100.9.

Pray. I'm so tired of missing class.

I have a test I need to be there for on Tuesday.

I just can't catch a break.

I'm going to go call my mom. She'll know what to do.

I think my mind is fried.

So...I'm here. And my room is done. And I'm alone (having been for an hour and a half). And I wanna cry. I feel pathetic. I just feel like 18-year-olds are not supposed to cry over their mommy. *sigh* I'll get used to it.

Anyway, today did not start off very well. I was up till 3 last night sneezing and crying, and then Mom was up till 5 worrying about me, so she slept till 11. We didn't leave till 1, and didn't get here till 3:30. Then, we get to my room and find out that Residence Life didn't take the furniture out. So we had to take care of that. Luckily Mom and I had Holly, Carmen, and my two friends Robin and Amy. And a few guys helped us here and there.

I bought Mom, Carmen, and Holly pizza for dinner, and Mom left about 7:15 or 7:30. Holly and Carmen left about 8:30. And now I have a pounding headache. But I'm waiting for Mom to call me cause she said she would.

Night.

Off to Duke

(I'm writing this in advance because Tuesday morning is surely going to be crazy.)

By the time you all read this, I will be in the car with Mom and Blake on the way to Durham. I have a CT scan this (Tuesday) afternoon, and a checkup with my neurologist tomorrow.

We're also stopping by Campbell on the way to pick up my Fall semester books because my CT appointment isn't till 3:30, and I'll still be on my scooter when I get to school in August, so it will be nearly impossible for me to get my books by myself.

Now, I won't lie. I'm scared. The last "checkup" I had with my neurologist was last August, when I found out my shunt was failing and had the first of six emergency brain surgeries.

The rational part of me knows that there's no reason for me to be scared, that those surgeries fixed all the problems with my shunt, and that this is just routine. But then the worrywart part of me thinks "I thought that appointment last August was just routine! And my life is never that simple."

Gah. This is just Satan picking at my biggest fear - facing yet another medical problem. I know that. But still, if you guys could be praying that I'm not faced with any bad news, and that everything goes smoothly, I'd really appreciate it. I'm not bringing my computer with me, so I'll update Wednesday night when I get home.

Love you all. I hope you know that.

Here I Go Again

UPDATE 8:00 pm: Okay, so I'm not going to Duke. My mom really thinks it wouldn't get me anywhere. However, she is going to call my ENT in the morning and see if they can fit me in on Monday. So we'll see. It's nice to know I don't have to go to Duke tonight.

ORIGINAL POST:

I went to the infirmary today because I haven't been feeling any better despite being on an antibiotic for a week, and I'm super nauseous like all the time, so I wanted to see if I could get a new antibiotic and more Phenergan (I ran out the other day). Well, the infirmary doc tells me he doesn't think I have a sinus infection right now, just according to the CT results, I have signs of chronic sinus infections in the past. He also told me that there's a cyst in the sinus cavity way in the back of my nose, pretty much next to my brain. I don't know why the ER docs didn't tell me that last week, since they were the ones who found it in my CT and even put it in the report. Basically, he wants me to get to Duke ASAP.

So I called my mom as soon as I got out of the infirmary and told her everything. She said that she would finish her work, talk to Holly and come up with a plan, and then call me back.

Well, half an hour ago she still hadn't called me so I called her. Chelsea texted me back and asked if I was trying to get up with Mom. Turns out the reason she hadn't called was because she and Chelsea were at the hospital getting monitoring for Blake. Nothing wrong, but he wasn't moving at Chelsea's doctor appointment so they sent her to the hospital to check on him.

She should be calling me any time. I'm trying not to worry. I'm trying to be calm...It's just hard. Just pray this is minor and the doctor overreacted. I don't think I can take something else going wrong this year.

Relief

The appointment went fine. It took forever (1 hour 40 minutes before I even got called back), but it was fine. That mysterious lump is just a swollen lymph node. Mom's still freaked about it, but hey, she's a mom. ;)

I'm quite relieved. But then I'm thinking, is this what my life has resorted to? Constantly being afraid that something's about to go wrong? Uh-uh. Go away, Satan!

I'm warning you. Otherwise I might have to punch you in the face.

Hey, I need to punch something today!

I can't help it. I'm scared.

I keep thinking about this stupid lump behind my ear.

What is it?
Why is it there?
Is it more bad news?

It's making me scared to go to the doctor without my mom, for fear that I'll get there, ask the docs about it, and find out it's something else gone wrong.

I guess it doesn't help that I've been listening to my mom talk all day about how it's worrying her. I wasn't worried pretty much all day. But now it's just hit me.

*sigh*

Lord, help me. Protect me tomorrow. Wash away this fear now so I can get some rest.