Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Back and Forth

My emotions have sort of been going all over the place today.

Part of the day, I've been in a really good mood.  Because I love my internship, because I love TFAS, because I have amazing friends.  Lots of reasons.  Then part of the day, I'm scared.  Really scared of what is going on with my liver.  It's been back and forth, back and forth, back and forth all day long.  Not very helpful when you're overtired.

I guess part of it is I'm frustrated with myself for still being afraid when I know who God is and that He loves me and is taking care of.  I know I shouldn't be afraid, because as Phoebe put it, "As a believer, the worst thing that could happen to us (death) is really the best thing that could happen to us.  The prize of the upward call of Christ is being in paradise with Him."  And she's so right.  And I know that in my heart.  I know God is going to take care of me no matter what this CT scan says.  So why can't I just stop being afraid??

Oh yeah, because being Christian doesn't make me any less of a human.

Honestly, as self-centered as this sounds, I think I'm more scared of not getting to go back to Campbell on the 19th than I am of dying.  How stupid is that?  It feels stupid to me, to be scared of missing school and not be scared of dying.  I feel even dumber for worrying about something that is probably going to turn out to be nothing.  And you'd think that after everything I've been through, I'd be used to this by now, but I really don't think a story like mine is something you ever get used to in any sense.

I don't even know if what I'm saying is making any sense.  Basically, I just can't figure out how to quit worrying, even though I know worry is from the enemy, when I know in my heart and soul that God's got me in His hands.  He's taking care of this.  He's got a plan for whatever's going to happen, and nothing I say or do is going to change that.  He hasn't left me yet, and He never will.

Focus on the facts of the matter, Mal.  Fact number 1:  God is here.  Fact number 2:  God is taking care of me.  Fact number 3:  God has put tons of people in my life to keep me pointed in the right direction.

I'll quit rambling for now.  I need sleep.


  1. Well, you aren't alone in how your feel; if any one of us is truly honest with ourselves or each other, we all have those annoying fears that just won't go away. The good news is, Jesus loves and cares for us with a perfect love; and His perfect love casts out all fear. My prayer is that His love and His peace overwhelm you in this night and going forward that you will know throughout that His perfection waits for you.

  2. Hugs and prayers. What day is your scan?