Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Getting some answers. Finally.

(Whew. Caught up.)

I was woken up this morning by a phone call from my doctor's office.  The imaging center run by the local hospital has a spot open for a CT tomorrow at 11:30 so we booked it.  I texted the people who know about this and asked to be kept updated, and then fell back asleep for a few hours.

Mom and I left about 3:45 to drive over to the imaging center to pick up this nasty contrast I have to drink tonight and tomorrow morning before the scan.  I think she felt sorry for me, because then she took me to Sonic and bought me ice cream.  Then we came back home and I tried not to get caught up in my own head.

Tried is the operative word.  I failed.  I'm scared, I'll admit it.  Scared because my doctor ordered a full CT of my entire abdomen and pelvis because she's concerned, scared because I don't want this to interfere with Campbell, scared because I just want answers now and it's going to suck waiting several days for the radiologist to read the scans and report back to my doctor.

I know that God is with me and taking care of me.  My faith in Him has not faltered at all through this.  Instead, it's more just me beating myself up for not taking 100% comfort in His power and guidance and getting stuck on all these human emotions that are keeping me from trusting Him wholeheartedly.

Thankfully, He's good enough that He blessed me with the presence of friends who all helped me in very different ways.

Hunter, a guy I know from school, messaged me out of the blue today, and at first I was suspicious because we haven't talked since before the end of last semester, but he said he just wanted to see how I was.  He started telling me about his plans to propose to his girlfriend (and it still kind of blows my mind to know that I'm old enough to be watching a bunch of my friends get engaged, one of them is getting married on my birthday next year!), and I told him about DC, and then I felt this urging to tell him about this liver thing.  He said he had to get off the computer, but asked me to call him, and we spent more than 20 minutes talking about God and His plan for our lives, and Hunter spoke a lot of truth and wisdom into my heart about who God is and His control over this situation.  It was a total surprise.  We haven't talked much since we met, so I wasn't expecting him to care THAT much.  He ended the conversation by saying, "Mallory, I love you as a sister in Christ, and God loves you, and know that no matter what, you have so many people who will be here for you through whatever this turns out to be."  It was just a real, tangible, heartwarming reminder for me that I am so blessed and loved by the King of the universe.

Later, another friend told me in the middle of a conversation something very humbling.  I've heard things similar to it before, but never from this friend, and it never ceases to bring me to my knees in gratitutde. "Your graceful attitude towards life has really been an inspiration to me."  God's using me, y'all.  I don't think I'll ever get used to realizing that.

Lastly, the majority of my night has consisted of me laughing hysterically with my good friend Courtney who somehow always knows what to say and when to say it.  It was the perfect distraction to get away from my own thoughts tonight.  I love that girl to pieces.

Whatever's going to happen, it's His will, and He's got me in His hands.  I'm doing my best to find more and more security in that with each passing hour.  For now, though, I'm going to bed.  My allergies are already all out of whack.

As a final note, here is a guest post I wrote for another blogger's "I Was Broken" series.  It's the story of how God's redemption made beauty out of the ashes of my life.  You know me, I'm an open book, so feel free to leave any comments or questions you have once you read it.

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