Percocet

Last night, I got this sharp, stabbing, burning pain in my right eye, and the muscle on the right side of the back of my neck could not have been tighter.  I couldn't focus on anything, as anytime I tried to my vision got incredibly blurry, so I gave up and took one of my "acute relief" pills and went to bed.  Usually when I get pains like that, a night of sleep does the trick to get rid of it.

Not this time.  It was just as bad, if not worse, this morning.  But I forced myself to go to class anyway, since I knew I'll be missing these classes on Thursday (for Nashville! AH!).  The first one wasn't too bad, but by the second class, I seriously felt like I was going to throw up.  Magically, I remembered that I still had my Percocet (from the fall last week, that I never used up since I was in the hospital) so I stepped out of class about 30 minutes in to take some.  I'm fairly certain that was the only thing that kept me from crying.  It was rough.

I survived the end of that class, and then headed to lunch with Jayshawn.  That crazy child...not many people could make my headache worse from driving me nuts (in a good way) and make me enjoy it.  He can.  He certainly knows how to get me to laugh.  But we also have some pretty serious conversations, too.  The good thing is, we're both absurdly blunt (ALL. THE. TIME.) so we can tell each other anything and it doesn't get weird.  It's pretty awesome, and this friendship has definitely been a big surprise but an even bigger blessing this year.

(Also, us both wearing Campbell shirts was a coincidence. And I actually like this picture of me, so I'm thankful for that, too!)

Mommom got here just minutes after he dropped me back off at my dorm (we went off campus for lunch), and then we headed to Duke for my next Botox appointment.  I had to take more Percocet on the way there.  And then I got a needle jabbed into my head 33 times.  Surprisingly, I didn't need more on the way back, probably because I fell asleep, and when I wasn't asleep I was focused on trying not to puke.  So that was fun.

So yeah.  As silly as it seems, today I'm thankful for Percocet.  Because it helped me get through today.  And it's gonna help me get through this reading I have to do before some make up quizzes tomorrow.  Lord willing, I won't be in quite this much pain when I wake up in the morning.

When the body of Christ moves.

Today was very long.  6+ hours in a car for a very short appointment that gave me nothing more than another medication change and another doctor basically telling me to grin and bear it until my appointment at the headache clinic on June 19.

I'm not angry.  It's not those doctors' fault they're stumped.  And I'm not angry at God.  My faith is all I have left.  Right now I feel so weak and so broken and so incapable that I can't be mad at Him because I need Him too much.

And besides, with all the conversations I had after the appointment today, it's impossible for me to forget just how much God has blessed me.  How sustaining the body of Christ really can be when they move together to show me God's love and presence at a time when I so desperately need it.

A guy I've never met whose wife just had a baby yesterday taking the time to text with me after my appointment and reminding me "I'm on your team."  Telling me God has given me a platform for a reason, which just makes me want to use the opportunity even more.  Pain and all.

My best friend in California in the middle of a busy pro soccer season answering me when I know she barely has the time.

A church friend telling me that they prayed for me at small group this week, reminding me that I'm never far from my family's thoughts.

Friends new and old sending me Bible verses, encouraging texts, reminding how much they love me and how much more God loves me.

When the body of Christ moves to lift someone up, it truly is one of the most beautiful things you can experience on this earth.  At least...that's my opinion.  I was feeling really upset, discouraged, and confused when I left the clinic today, but talking to these sweet friends of mine got my head back where it belongs.  My God is good.  He'll carry me to that June 19th appointment.

Not many people can say they have people from literally all over the country praying for them, but I can.  That's such a huge blessing, one I hope I never take for granted.

Chris's sermon on Sunday was titled "Pray Big."  And let me tell ya, every single week it feels like God gave Chris those words just so I could hear them, but this one hit me hard.  I was crying.  I have struggled for a long time with the difference between knowing that God can do something and believing that He will do it.  I know that God can heal me, but I often doubt that He will.  But between that sermon and the unshakeable faith so many of my friends displayed today, I am more solid than I have ever been in this.

James 4:3 says "You do not receive, because you do not ask."  I haven't even bothered asking God for my healing in a long time.  I guess because I was scared to get my hopes up that He'd heal me only for Him not to.  But not anymore.  There is nothing wrong about having high hopes in the Lord!  I am praying for my healing.  I'm believing for my healing.

And you know what?  Even if it doesn't happen, I know that my God is still good.  I know I am blessed to live the life that I do.  And I'm gonna use whatever platform God puts in my path to tell people about the amazing, all-knowing, perfect God that I serve.  If a painful life is where God wants me, then I am rededicating myself right now, thanks in part to the encouragement of so many of my friends today.

I am all in.

I am but I know.

(This is backdated because I didn't feel like writing much this week.)

Oy.  Well I'd say the hospital blues have set in.  Part of me doesn't want to leave because it doesn't seem like the DHE worked (the last dose was earlier today) but part of me is thinking it'll be so nice to get out of this tiny little room.

I'm frustrated, but not with these doctors.  They're trying everything they can think of.

I'm frustrated, but not with God.  I've felt him with me every second of every day this week.

I'm just frustrated with the situation, and trying not to be because I know that God is in control of this, even when it feels like a total mess.  I know that I am not alone.  But I'm human and I have to learn how to balance my very human emotions with what I know to be true about the King of Kings.

I'm frustrated...but I know that my God is a God with a plan and a purpose.

I'm scared...but I know that He will heal me.

I'm exhausted...but I know that He alone will give me the strength I need to make it through a day.

Sometimes I'm lonely...but I'm never alone.

Those are what I have to hold on to.

Texts like this...

Middle of the night texts from one of my best friends...

Texts filled with faith that I'm not sure I have...

Words that my sweet friend knows I need to hear when I'm laying awake in a hospital bed...

Encouragement like this at my weakest moments...

That's how I know that God lays with me in my pain.  Friends filled with love like this are a constant reminder that I am never alone.

DHE Round 2

I definitely don't have meningitis.  No surgery.

Neurosurgery wanted to discharge me in the exact same state I was in when I got here; instead, neurology convinced them to switch me to their service so they can try to get to the bottom of this pain.

The Duke protocol for DHE therapy is slightly different than the combination I did at my neurologist's office in February, so there's a chance it could work better and longer. It's worth a shot, and anything is better than being sent home with no new options at this point.

I got to share my testimony with another hospital chaplain today. It was awesome.

I am surrounded by love.

God is good. Hope is alive.

A Rambling Update

Blogging from my phone for the first time, so bear with me if there are any weird mistakes or formatting errors.  I've never done this before, but I don't feel like dragging my computer out at this hour, and I thought that since I felt up to it, I might as well post an update here.

It's been a very long day. Mom and I both finally got a bit of sleep this morning while stuck in that tiny little ER room.

Ooo, I should start from the beginning. We got to Duke about 2:30 yesterday afternoon. We thought that since a doctor had specifically called us and told us to come get me admitted that we could skip the craziness of the ER (and the $200 copay)...but no such luck. The place was a zoo. We sat in the waiting room for six hours.

The good news is that once we got back there, things moved fairly quickly. I got pain meds. The neurosurgeon was there to meet us as soon as we got in an ER room and was very friendly and detailed. He told us there was still a slim chance the bacteria they found could have just been a contaminant from a mistake made in the lab, so they wanted to retest and make sure before they did anything drastic.

First, they did bloodwork, and that came back normal, so if there is an infection, it's not systemic yet. Once they got those results, they decided to do another shunt flow test tiger another sample of spinal fluid. As Brennan said, yes, that does seem weird because it's another chance for me to get an infection if I didn't already have one, but it's the only non-surgical way to get another sample of spinal fluid to test.

Bacteria takes days to grow in these samples, it took 48 hours for Friday's test to show bacteria, so we still don't know the results yet. Hopefully they will come tomorrow. They started me on some antibiotics as a precaution, though.

We finally got sent up to a real room just before 6:00 tonight, and man, we sure were happy to get out of that ER room.  Even better, God decided to really bless us and grant Mom's two requests: that the room be a corner room (because they're MUCH bigger than all the other rooms) and that it have a good recliner for her to sleep in instead of one of the usual very hard and uncomfortable fold out chairs. We have so much more space.  And I got to take a shower tonight, and it felt AWESOME.

Now here comes to the irritation of the day. I thought that once I turned 18 and officially became an adult, I would get the respect from doctors that I lacked at 16 and 17. They never trusted that I knew what I was talking about, that I knew my body and what worked for me. I thought being a legal adult would change that.

Wrong. Twice in one day, I've had doctors flat out refuse to give me the dose of Dilaudid that I always get, the only narcotic that reliably works for me. The first doctor in the ER first said she wasn't going to give me Dilaudid until I tried lesser stuff, even though the only reason I'd been refusing it was because I know Tylenol and Oxycodone don't touch my pain. After 30 minutes of arguing and me crying, we finally agreed on a combo of two other drugs to see if that would help. But then, the nurse went to get them and she had ordered Dilaudid! Turns out she had looked in my chart and saw that I was telling the truth about a long history of using Dilaudid as treatment. She only ordered half my usual dose, but she did put it in as every 4 hours so I wouldn't have to fight to get it every time.

The guy doc, up here in the real hospital room, was a total jerk when I asked for a second milligram of it an hour after the first. He called 2 mg an addictive dose and said if I can talk and get up and shower and blah blah blah, I can't be in that much pain. That really pissed me off. Dude doesn't know my pain tolerance or my history, and basically all but calls me a drug addict and a hypochondriac in the first two minutes. He threatened to cancel the Dilaudid all together, told me to take Oxycodone (might as well just give me sugar pills) or "deal with it" because I didn't get admitted to the hospital for pain. No, I didn't, jerk face, but since I am admitted anyway, it's not an outrageous request to not want to be in excruciating pain for the first time in six months. Ugh. I love this hospital, but the male doctors have a tendency to be really condescending and arrogant and have horrible bedside manner.

Anyway, the good news is that the doc today said that the cultures should come back tomorrow evening. When they do come back, if they're clear, there is no infection and they'll send a neurologist to my room before they discharge me and I will be out of here by Friday. If the culture has bacteria, I'll have surgery the day after we find that out. After 2009. I never thought I'd pray for them to find something like meningitis, but I want them to find something. I know something is wrong, something has to be wrong, and I just want answers. I want this pain to stop ripping pieces of my life away.

I'm at peace with whatever needs to be done, even surgery. I know I will make it through because I am not alone. The Lord is fighting for me, and I am surrounded by a faithful and oh so loving prayer team of friends who always remind me that they are standing with me. Those two things can do wonders for your spirit.

Here's to hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

(I'll fix the time and date later. I can't get it to cooperate.)

Please pray!

Any prayers y'all have got, I need 'em.  All I know is that Duke found bacteria in my spinal fluid from the test on Friday.  I won't know if/when I need surgery until I get to Duke this afternoon.  I'll update here as I can, but for faster updates, my Twitter is twitter.com/_callmemal and the link is over there in the right sidebar under my picture.

PRAISES: This could be the explanation to months of constant pain, and I was sitting in a room with some of my best friends, The Vespers, when I got the call, and then I still got to see their show.  God is faithful.  My Jesus is still the same as he was before I picked up the phone.

Well

There isn't much to say today.

I went to Grammar at 8 am.

I had a 2 hour tutoring session with an international student who doesn't know English all that well.

I ate lunch.

I took a very long nap.

I ate dinner.

I had another tutoring session.

I took a shower.

And then I watched Grey's Anatomy and now Scandal.

And then I'm going to bed because tomorrow is going to be another very long day.

Another test, two appointments.

Here we go again.

Don't know what tomorrow will bring.  Whatever happens, it is well with my soul.

Still the Same

So, uh, today was...not what I expected.

First off, I didn't fall asleep until about 5:30 this morning.  I spent basically the entire night praying, begging God for today to bring me answers, for Him to provide the explanation for these months of constant severe pain so that I could finally get some relief.  The pain is getting harder and harder to deal with, and at the rate things are going, it's looking awfully iffy as to whether or not I'll be able to finish everything I need to for the semester on time.

I felt confident all morning...until I got to the hospital.  As soon as I walked in the doors and headed for the CT scan, I somehow just knew that it was going to be normal.  And it was.  When I saw my neurosurgeon, I explained everything that was going on and what the neurologist had said, and he told me the CT today looked exactly the same as it did in October.  And he showed us the pictures...it did.

Then he started stuttering and stammering as he told me that if my shunt is fine then the problem isn't his concern and the neurologist is going to have to figure it out.  When I told him that my neurologist sent me to get an appointment with him because she doesn't know what to do, all he said was "well, you need to periodically check your shunt, anyway."  Yeah...he doesn't have the greatest bedside manner.  I guess when you're the head of pediatric neurosurgery at basically the best hospital in the world, you don't have to.  I started crying right there in the exam room.  Never thought I'd be crying because my shunt was fine.  He sent me to get an X-ray to check the setting on the valve that controls the shunt, and that was fine, too.  We have a shunt flow test scheduled for Friday, but chances are extremely high that that is going to come back normal, too.  So help from my neurosurgeon is out.  But we also have an appointment with him after the test, and I'm going to ask him if there's another neurologist that he could recommend because I have to find some help.  It's not an option anymore.

After we left Duke, Mom felt so bad for me because I was so upset that I still have no answers that she drove straight to my neurologist to try to see her, but she was packed full, which meant I couldn't even get a Demerol shot for some temporary relief because nurses aren't allowed to do those.  I have an appointment with her Friday afternoon after the Duke stuff, and we're basically going to just beg her to think of something else.  I seriously am that desperate.

And I'll be honest: this afternoon, when all of this was going on, as I was texting an update to all the people who have been faithfully praying for me and this appointment, I was furious.  I was just mad, and I think anyone would be in my shoes.  My headaches started getting worse/more frequent 10 months ago, and they've been 24/7 constant for just shy of 5 now.  I'm so exhausted and I really thought that if anyone would be able to figure out what is wrong, it would be my neurosurgeon.  I sobbed all the way through hospital and during the car rides, screaming at God in my head that this feels like it's slowly destroying me.

I'm not mad anymore.  I still have plenty of questions, but I'm not mad.  I have no choice but to trust God right now because my faith is all I have left; I know that I can't survive this on my own and that I need Him now more than ever.  The thing that is weighing on me the most, though, is that I know full well that He is capable of healing me because He's healed me from so much already, and I really, really don't understand why He's choosing not to.  I don't know why He's saying no when all I'm asking for is to be free from this pain.

But then, I started getting responses from some of the people I texted, and they reminded me of who I am at heart and what I know is true.  God is still good, and I love Him.  And as I felt the love poured out through my friends' words, I was reminded that I am not alone.  I am not alone.  The same God that has saved my life multiple times put these incredible, faithful friends in my life to hold me up when I can't stand on my own.  And that's exactly how I felt today.  I was texting Taylor and I said, "Thanks for helping hold me up.  The enemy is trying to break me."  I was reminded of how Aaron and Hur held Moses' arms up when he couldn't lift them anymore.  These people, these beautiful, patient, thoughtful, caring people, are my Aaron and Hur.  That's a blessing, for sure.

I got to have a quick chat with Kyla when I was in Walmart, and I was just talking to her about how I was feeling about not getting any answers today.  I'm so thankful that I have friends that just listen without judgment.  It never ceases to amaze me that one of them is a girl I've never actually met. :)  While I was listening to something she was saying, I remembered a question I've had before - what good could possibly come out of this mess that is better than the story I could tell if He healed me?  And then I remembered that God had already answered that question today.

One of the people I sent out a text update to after we left Duke was Chris Plekenpol, that pastor in Texas that I've kept in touch with.  He wrote back "Please post on the city your prayer request.  People were REALLY moved by your story."  I may have mentioned it before, but The City is this online community for his church that he asked me to join so I could share my story with his congregation.  I wrote back, "I will tonight when I get back to my computer.  Glad to hear that at least something good is coming from this mess."  He said "It's very good.  Grateful for you."  On a day when I felt like I was falling to pieces, someone whom I have come to really respect and look up to tells me they're grateful for me, and tells me again that my story has had a big impact on people, even people I've never met and probably never will meet.

So many of the people who responded to my text showed great faith when I probably sounded like I was questioning everything.  Even though the results of today felt like a big fat "NO" from God, they encouraged me to continue to pray that that no is actually a "not yet" and my healing will still come.  Because I know that it's possible.  I don't know if I will be healed, but I know and was reminded in spades today that God will use whatever situation, being pain-free or being caught in this pain, to do some really awesome, life-changing stuff that I could never do on my own...like minister to a church in Texas full of complete strangers.

Most importantly, I know that God is still who He has always been.  He never changes.  That's something I can rely on no matter what health complication (or any complication, for that matter) I am facing.  A quote from one of my favorite authors, Angie Smith, sums it up perfectly.  This was her immediate response after she received a heartbreaking, fatal diagnosis for her unborn daughter and a nurse asked her what she was thinking.  It's what I've been saying since I calmed down after the tears stopped this afternoon.  And it's true.  I know it in my soul.

"I think my Jesus is still the same as he was before I walked through that door."

And praise the Lord for that.

Short and Random

It's late.  Very, very late.

I spent pretty much all day working on all the reading I had to get caught up on for my classes.

Then, I got so tired of doing that once I got my to-do list chipped down to just one chapter of French grammar assignments, that I decided to quit for the night.  I'd had a hard enough time staying awake all day as it was.

So after that, I did some more work on Caitie's present, and during part of that I watched this livestream of the Porn Kills Tour, and before I knew it was past 1:30 am.

The good news is that Caitie's present is soooo close to being done now.  I just have to put the finishing touches on it tomorrow, and it's good to go.  I'm glad, because my hand was seriously cramping after several hours of that.  Hers may have been the least expensive by quite a bit (but she asked me not to spend a lot of money on her), but it definitely took the most effort.  But I'm happy about the gift and was super happy to do it, and I think she's going to love it.  Under the 1 month mark until the return of The Vespers!  I'm so excited!  Bruno's present is done, Taylor's present should be waiting for me when I get back to Campbell, and Callie and Phoebe's presents are just cash so I can do that when I get my March paycheck.  I just love giving gifts.  Seriously.  It makes me giddy.

Oh, and I'm going to see my neurosurgeon on April 3.  So there's that.  We'll either get some answers or eliminate my shunt as a cause of these problems.  Or maybe both.  Dr. Fuchs is pretty much the best of the best.

Man, I'm tired.  Good night, world.

Another Happy Sunday

I love my church.

It's so nice to wake up at 8 am on a Sunday morning and actually be excited about it because it means that I get to go back to that beautiful place.

From the second I walked in, people were asking how I was doing because Elizabeth had clued them all in as to why I wasn't at Small Group on Tuesday.

The music was amazing.  This time the songs were ones I'd never heard before but really touched me.  The four guys who do the music every Sunday are so nice and so talented.  I really appreciate all the effort they put in for the service each week, and the fact that the songs aren't just old hymns.

I really feel like I'm making family there, which is so nice.  There was a lady named Janelle who gave a bit of her testimony today, and after the service, I was able to just go up and hug her and say thank you.  Every single person there has made me feel like I belong, like I've always been there just like everyone else, not like I just showed up 3 weeks ago.

After Janelle spoke, Sean gave this really powerful message about the difference between sacrifice and obedience.  I definitely felt moved by it, but I'm not quite sure what God is going to do with it and with me regarding it yet.  I guess that's where the fun lies.  Whatever it is, it's going to be good.

Then, I came back and called Duke, and according to them, the staph infection that showed up in my blood at Betsy Johnson was a contaminant in the lab, because the two cultures they've been watching in the lab since Tuesday are clean, so no infection and no trip back to the hospital.  Yay for that! :)  I am so grateful for God's faithfulness in my life and in my health.  Combine that with the fact that I feel like I'm showing even more response to the steroid for my head, and I'd say I'm officially on the mend.  Good, because with all of this catching up to do and the election in a little over a week, I need to be on top of my game.

I tried to do some reading after I took a shower, but then my headache got way worse, and I fell asleep at 5:30.  I'm only awake right now because I'm watching Revenge.  I'm going to eat something, finish the episode, and go back to sleep.  Sounds like a good Sunday to me.

This is one of the songs I learned today.  Catchy, yes, but it's so deep, even with such simple lyrics.  It's the prayer I have for my life.  I want all of this to be His.

Sending my prayers to all those in the path of Hurricane Sandy.  It's weird, there being a hurricane coming at the East coast and the South NOT being its primary target.

Monday and Tuesday

Monday was mostly an average day.  The only problem was that instead of my usual headache, one where the pain fluctuates in intensity, since Saturday, it had just been getting harder....and harder...and harder...until I was sitting in Geography class Monday night and started crying.

Y'all know me.  I do not cry over a headache.

I get out of Geography and call Mom because the last time the pain was this bad was when I had the staph meningitis in October 2009.  No, I'm not kidding.  She told me to call Duke.  I called Duke.  Duke told me to go up there, especially considering I hadn't had my shunt looked at in a couple years.

So, I'm in my room, I call Kayleigh.  She's the RA that was on duty because it was Monday.  Poor girl, had to deal with me needing paramedics two Mondays in a row.  The paramedics got there, checked me out, and then we had to wait for a transport truck to get me to Duke.  (Regular ambulances can't leave the county.  Only transport trucks can, they're basically long-distance ambulances.)  It felt like a replay of the night I had staph meningitis, honestly.  The transport truck, the paramedic treating me like I was a hypochondriac...it was kinda freaky.

Anyway, I got to Duke at 9:30 pm on the dot.  Holly was sleeping because it was her night off, but I was fine being alone.  I went through typical triage and got an EKG because my heart was racing even though I was breathing normally, but it came back normal and they just said it was because of the pain.  They told me I had to go to the waiting room for a bit.  This is where the night got hellacious.

I sat in the ER waiting room for six hours and fifteen minutes.  Most of the time, I was in tears.  I have never been in Duke's ER that backed up before.  One lady I talked to said she checked in at 2:30 pm and she didn't get called back until after midnight.  Apparently I picked the worst day in the world to need Duke. I was texting Mom and Holly all night, and Mom got so pissed off that she started calling the neurosurgery resident on call and basically yelled at her until they ordered me a CT scan and shunt series about 12:30 am.  Yay progress...except for the fact that after those tests, they sent me back out to the waiting room still in tears, no pain meds, and I didn't get the results.

I FINALLY got in a bed in the ER at 3:45 am.  The nurses and doctors were very sweet and very sympathetic and got me Dilaudid as soon as they could, but it was still 4:30 am before I got the medicine.  They did neurological exams to make sure that I hadn't had a stroke, and kept coming in and out asking me questions and setting up fluids and whatnot.  So I didn't sleep.  The Dilaudid helped me relax, but I wasn't sleeping.  Somewhere in the 7:00 hour, a doctor came in and told me the first scans were normal so they were ordering a shunt flow test.  They kept me doped up on Dilaudid and Phenergan until then, and I still don't know how I didn't sleep.  It was weird, it was like I knew everything that was going on, and my eyes were open, but I wasn't thinking or talking or doing anything, I was just laying there...it was bizarre.

Around 8:30, I got taken to Nuclear Medicine for the shunt flow test.  Basically, they stick a giant needle into the pump of my shunt, draw out some spinal fluid to test for infection, inject radioactive dye into my shunt and take pictures of it, then wait 20-25 minutes and take more pictures.  It took over an hour and hurt really bad because there was a lot of pushing and pressing and stuff right on my shunt/head.  By the time I got back to my ER room, I was almost in tears again, so the doctor ordered me this mix of Benadryl (because apparently I now react to Dilaudid, the only painkiller that works on me. awesome), Reglan (another painkiller), and caffeine.  They said every patient they give this to is healed of their pain....it did almost nothing for me.

So I lay there and ACTUALLY SLEPT A LITTLE (Hallelujah and Praise the Lord), and just after noon I get a text from Mom.  She says she just got a certified letter in the mail from Betsy Johnson (the local ER near Campbell that I went to last week for the stomach virus) saying that the blood they drew tested positive for MRSA (the medicine resistant staph that I am a carrier for).  So she demanded that Duke draw some blood.  The Betsy Johnson ER only drew from one site, so they said that it could've just been contaminated in the lab, so Duke said they'd draw from two sites to be sure.  But there was no MRSA in my spinal fluid, so that was good.  That's the "unanswered question" I'm waiting on.  Blood cultures take a few days to grow, so if there is MRSA in my blood, it won't show up until Friday or so.  They'll call me whenever they know, and if it's positive, I'll be back in the hospital.  Prayers for no infection would be great.  I need to finish this semester on time.

Well, long story short, they insisted on discharging me since it'll take days for the blood test to come back.  I spent all afternoon on the phone with my neurologist in Raleigh, who couldn't see me but was going to call in a steroid, Holly managed to get out of work on emergency, and she and Michael picked me up from Duke about 4:30.   They bought me some Chick-Fil-A, since it was 5:00 pm on Tuesday and the last time I had eaten was 11:30 am Monday, then drove me to the pharmacy in Lillington where I got the hospital's prescriptions for oral Dilaudid and Phenergan filled, and found out my neurologist didn't call in the steroid because I accidentally gave them the wrong phone number.  Then, Holly and Michael drove me back to campus, I took a nice, hot shower, doped myself up on pain and nausea meds, and promptly PASSED THE HECK OUT at about 8:00, which is probably pretty understandable since I had slept less than 2 hours in the previous 36 hours.

God definitely showed up in different ways, though:
1. Taylor, Kyla, Bruno, and Caitie all kept in almost constant (except for when they were, ya know, sleeping) communication with me to help keep me from feeling alone.  Especially Taylor.  Sweetest thing I think anyone has ever said to me, "I almost want to get on a plane and come be with you so you don't have to be alone."  No one in my life has ever even said they wanted to do that any time I've been in the hospital, not even Matt, but Taylor did.  That is just one shining example of many as to why that kid is one of my best friends/big brother.

2. Taylor put out a Twitter message to his followers asking for prayer for me.  And I could definitely feel the prayers, because I was never scared.  Pretty sure that's the first time in my life that I've ever been in a hospital and not been scared or worried about what was going on.  And I was ALONE.  That is absolutely 100% the work of God answering the prayers of my sweet friends and the kind souls who follow Taylor on twitter.

3. Yesterday afternoon, just after I got the whole MRSA text from Mom, the hospital chaplain stopped by.  I don't remember everything that was said because I was so drugged, but I do remember telling him basically my entire life story, him saying how encouraged he was by it to hear of the Lord's faithfulness throughout my life, and then he prayed over me.  Absolutely a message straight from God, no doubt in my mind.

4.  Holly was acting manager at her restaurant, but when she called her boss saying it was an emergency and that she was my only family in a 3-hour radius, the boss sent someone in to relieve her.  I don't know how I would've gotten back to school if it weren't for that.

5.  The ER gave me oral Dilaudid, even though the doc said they don't normally do that because it's such a heavy drug, and my neurologist agreed to call in a steroid to break the headache (it's worked before) without even seeing me.  That saves me from having to figure out a way to get to my neurologist when Holly works all the time and Mom can't take off work because she's been out with her own health stuff too much.

Those are just the biggest ones that I can think of right now.  I was telling Taylor, Bruno, Kyla, and Caitie over and over again how good God was being to me.  And they all kept telling me how proud they were of me for staying so positive, but really, I couldn't help it.  I was seeing God show up all over the place, and it was just natural, like I didn't have to go searching for Him, I just naturally found him.  Couple that with the fact that my shunt was fine and I didn't have to have emergency surgery, and yeah, I was feeling really good.

God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good.  Enough said.

Oh Duke, long time no see.

And I was kinda hoping it'd stay that way.

But yeah, I didn't blog last night because I left for Duke's ER about 8:00 pm.

And here it is 7 pm the next day, and I'm back in my dorm.

I've slept about 2 hours out of the last 36, so all I want to do is take a long hot shower, dope myself up on pain and nausea meds, and sleep until I have to get up for class tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will post all the details, but just know that for now I am fine.  I am waiting on a few questions to be answered, but God will get me through whatever it is, no doubt.  The past 24 hours were full of evidence of His presence.

Like I said, details about the whole trip will come tomorrow.  For now all I can think is "shower, dry hair, sleep."

The Sounds of Silence

(posted after the fact due to computer disaster)

You know what's freaky?

Being in a dorm when 98% of the people are gone.  It's Wednesday night, and basically everyone except for international students, athletes, and those who simply live too far away to go home, left hours ago because tonight was the start of Fall Break.

Like seriously, it's practically a ghost town.  The parking lot next to my dorm also serves the two guys' dorms that my dorm is connected to, and there are maybe five cars out there right now, not including Mom's.  It's quiet.  One washer is running.  There's no screaming coming from the lobby. 

It's actually pretty nice, though.  Silence is rather hard to find when you live in a college dorm.  :)

I'm so glad it's Fall Break.  If only because it means I don't have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow.  9:30 is SO much more appealing.

Mom took me to dinner off campus tonight in the next town over.  It was delicious and cheap, our favorite kind of meal. Haha!

I'm lucky to have a mom who doesn't complain about missing a day of work to take me to Duke.  My grandma could easily take me, but after the disaster that was my last "check-up" appointment, I think she was just as scared for me to go without her as I was.

My mom is awesome.

You know what's also awesome?

Sleep. :)

Duke, I missed you.

Or not.

So basically, Sunday night the headache that I had had (and still have) since Tuesday got so bad that I was sobbing and decided I just couldn't take it anymore. I called my mom and talked to her for a bit before deciding to get my RD to call an ambulance.

The paramedics showed up and did typical paramedic stuff. Of course, my vitals were fine. They always are. My vitals were fine when I had the staph infection in my brain. My mom called back and said Holly and her roommate/best friend Carmen (who is also my friend; she's lovely) were at a KISS concert, and that they would go to Duke to be with me when the concert was over. The paramedics got the transport truck to come, and while we were riding to Duke, Mom texted and said that Holly and Carmen had left the concert and would meet me there. (How sweet, huh?)

Once I got to Duke, I had the usual CT shunt series and x-ray to check out everything about my shunt and how it was flowing, etc. Thankfully, it only took two tries to get an IV in, and I got some Dilaudid and a drug i hadn't had before, Reglan. Just after midnight, the pediatric neurosurgery resident on-call came in and said my shunt was fine, so they were gonna send a neurologist down to talk about adding a migraine medicine. Well, not long after that, the ER doc came in and said that my usual neurosurgery doc, Dr. F, decided they wanted to admit me overnight to do a shunt flow test Monday morning. I got up to my room a little after 2, and then Holly and Carmen left.

A couple things really sucked (other than the pain, of course): One, the ER doctors told me I could eat, and so Holly and Carmen went and bought me a burger from Cookout, and they got back just as they transferred me to my overnight room, and they told me I wasn't allowed to eat. So I had to sit there and watch Holly and Carmen eat. Boo. And two, I told the doctors in the ER and the neurosurgery resident that came to see me that I had taken Ibuprofen and Oxycodone for days and it wasn't helping at all. Then, instead of Dilaudid, the only thing that had given me any relief, some moronic doc ordered me oral Oxycodone, Tylenol, and Ibuprofen. It was like they wanted me to suffer. (at least in my head at that time)

I didn't get much sleep all night, and around 9:30 they took me down for the shunt flow test. That thing took forever! Three different sets of pictures, and I had to sit there for 30 minutes between each of them. Finally I got back to my room a little before noon and took a nap. About 3:30, Dr. F's assistant came in and said the test was fine, so the neurology team would be in "soon" to talk about adding a migraine med. Holly came back to the hospital at 5something, and the neurosurgery team did not show up till 5:40. We came up with a plan to wean me off the Lyrica, and add a muscle relaxer because the migraines seemed to be starting from pressure in my neck.

Blah, blah, blah, more talking, waiting through shift change to get my nurse to take my IV out, more waiting, and we didn't get out of the hospital till 8:45. Talk about an exhausting day!

I'm just glad that everything is okay, and hopefully this muscle relaxer will help with my problems.

Oh my life is just oodles of fun!

I don't have time for the details because it's 2:00 in the morning and I have to get up in six hours, but here's the Reader's Digest Version.

I went to Duke last night (Sunday).
Not fun.
Found out the cause of these killer headaches is migraines.
Didn't get back to school till 10something tonight.
Had to do homework, shower, etc.
So that's why I'm up this late.
The full story will come tomorrow (Tuesday).

I love my bed.

Possibly more than a human should love an inanimate object.
But that's beside the point.

Today's appointment went smashingly.  My neurologist said that my CT looked great and I don't have to go back till next summer.  It was also one of the fastest Duke appointments I've had...like ever.  So yay for that.

We also went to Campbell today instead of yesterday because someone (*cough*Mom*cough) wouldn't get their butt out of bed in time to go before we had to be at Duke.  Oh well.  The important thing is that I have all my books for the fall semester and I won't have to worry about that once I get on campus in August.

So yesterday, after my CT at Duke, we went over to our hotel.  Holy cow! This Courtyard by Marriott had the most amazing beds.  It was like falling into a giant cotton ball, the mattresses were so soft and fluffy.  What I didn't know ahead of time about last night was that Holly and my "Aunt" Julie and "Uncle" Darryl were driving down from Raleigh and Greensboro to have dinner with us.  (And aunt and uncle are in quotes because they aren't actually my aunt and uncle.  Julie has been my mom's best friend since they were in middle school, so they're like family.)  Yay!  But come on, once they arrived, their real motives became crystal clear.  Dinner schminner.  All they wanted was to see Blake. ;)  Really, though, I can hardly blame them.  I mean, have you SEEN that face?! :D  Holly hung out with us in our hotel room till about 11 before she got tired and headed out.

This morning, I tried Biscuitville for the first time.  It was the only drive-thru place we could find nearby.  Mom said that Biscuitville was my dad's favorite place, which shocked me considering how much I've always known he loved Bojangles.  It was good, though.

I do have one complaint about this quick "trip," though.  OH. MY. GOSH. It was so freaking HOT!!!!  Especially this afternoon when I was at Campbell.  I was literally soaked the entire time.  (And poor Mom, she had to be even worse off, having to help me and take care of Blake.)  See, people, this is why I don't like leaving the house during the summer.

So yeah, that's about it.  We got home just after 5:30 today and I basically haven't left my bed since.  Did I mention I love this thing?!?! :)

Here I Go Again

UPDATE 8:00 pm: Okay, so I'm not going to Duke. My mom really thinks it wouldn't get me anywhere. However, she is going to call my ENT in the morning and see if they can fit me in on Monday. So we'll see. It's nice to know I don't have to go to Duke tonight.

ORIGINAL POST:

I went to the infirmary today because I haven't been feeling any better despite being on an antibiotic for a week, and I'm super nauseous like all the time, so I wanted to see if I could get a new antibiotic and more Phenergan (I ran out the other day). Well, the infirmary doc tells me he doesn't think I have a sinus infection right now, just according to the CT results, I have signs of chronic sinus infections in the past. He also told me that there's a cyst in the sinus cavity way in the back of my nose, pretty much next to my brain. I don't know why the ER docs didn't tell me that last week, since they were the ones who found it in my CT and even put it in the report. Basically, he wants me to get to Duke ASAP.

So I called my mom as soon as I got out of the infirmary and told her everything. She said that she would finish her work, talk to Holly and come up with a plan, and then call me back.

Well, half an hour ago she still hadn't called me so I called her. Chelsea texted me back and asked if I was trying to get up with Mom. Turns out the reason she hadn't called was because she and Chelsea were at the hospital getting monitoring for Blake. Nothing wrong, but he wasn't moving at Chelsea's doctor appointment so they sent her to the hospital to check on him.

She should be calling me any time. I'm trying not to worry. I'm trying to be calm...It's just hard. Just pray this is minor and the doctor overreacted. I don't think I can take something else going wrong this year.

Home again.

Also titled: An insanely long post in which I frequently use parentheses.

Sadly, the stupid condo did not have internet, which means my blog posts for the month are going to be way down. But what can ya do? (Yes, I'm sure you all think it's weird that I care about how many posts I make in one month.)

Anyway, I know most of you will be thoroughly disappointed, but I forgot to bring a camera with me this week, so no pictures. (Sorry Jordan!) Then again, we didn't really do anything that warranted pictures, in my opinion. But I will give you a play-by-play of everything I remember from this week. (You'll just LOVE Tuesday.)

Sunday - I got up at 7:40 am and started doing laundry because I felt crappy Saturday and calculated that I could get all four loads done before my grandma came to pick me up. So yes, laundry, laundry, lunch, and more laundry. My grandma called early afternoon and said she wouldn't be by till about 4 because she still had to pack since she didn't want to do it while her sister was still at her house. So 4:00 comes, my grandma arrives, we get some food packed up, and we leave. We go to the grocery store and pick up some stuff that we didn't have at our house. Then we drive to our condo. It was less than 40 minutes, which was nice, and then we unpacked. We were on the top floor (the 3rd floor, so it's not like it was a long way up, haha) with an amazing view of the ocean.

Monday - We ate breakfast, played cards, watched The Price is Right, ate lunch, and played more cards. I had woken up feeling like my right shoulder and right ribs were breaking, which freaked me out because they were the things that hurt the worst when my lungs collapsed. (More on this later...) Then we put on our bathing suits, covered up in clothes, went for a short walk on the beach, and then went to the pool. I only swam a few laps before my shoulder pain got so bad I couldn't take it. So I got in the hot tub, thinking the jets would be good for both my shoulder and ribs. 15 minutes later, I got out and the pain was ten times as bad. So we didn't really do anything else that day except play more cards (California Rummy and Pay Me!, if you must know) and go to Michelangelo's Pizza for dinner. Also, I ended up taking a breathing treatment because my chest felt so tight, even though I wasn't wheezing.

Tuesday - We had to get up super early because my grandma wanted to leave by 8:00 for my 12:00 appointment at Duke. I woke up with chest pain and neck pain, along with my shoulder and ribs. So we ate breakfast, and left, and I read about the first half of The Last Song (which I loved so much that I now want to see the movie when it comes out, despite the fact that Miley Cyrus is playing the main character). Went to my neuro CT scan, and when I laid (lay? I never know the right tense to use) down on the CT table, it felt like my chest was collapsing in. then headed up to the 3rd floor to wait for my clinic appointment with Dr. Fuchs. We were so early that I had plenty of time to do lots more reading before I went back. Dr. Fuchs showed me the scan from today and the one from last month when I was still in the ER, and he told me that my shunt was working great and showed me that the ventricles were visibly smaller. (Yay!!!) Then, I told him about the pains and trouble breathing, so he told me to go to the ER and get a chest x-ray. So that's what we did and I was admitted quickly. Then, things slowed down. First, I had to wait for the doctor to come examine me. Then, I had to wait for pain meds (a long time!). Then, I had to wait for the chest x-ray results. I rejoiced that my lung was not collapsing again. That was normal, so the doc said he wanted to get bloodwork because since the x-ray was normal, they wanted to search for the reason for this pain. He said that if the test they were doing on the bloodwork came back negative, they'd give me some pain meds and let me go, but if it was positive, then that might indicate a blood clot in my lungs, so they would have to run another scan. Those results took an hour and a half, which we expected. All along, I'm texting back and forth with my mom trying to keep her calm enough not to drive all the way up to Duke until we know that something's wrong. The scan took half an hour, and the results took half an hour, but they were clean. (Another Hallelujah!) So basically 7 hours in the ER to find out I have pleurisy, inflammed lungs due to a germ infection that clears up on its own, and Ibuprofen will do the trick. Go figure, right? We got back to the condo just before 1 am and crashed.

Wednesday - My grandma got up at 9 and headed back to our town to get her hair done. I slept till noon when she got back. Then took a nap from 2 to 3:45. We played a game of cards, then I got a shower. For dinner, we went to Tsunami, a Japanese buffet restaurant. It is SO delicious. We played more cards and watched Law & Order: SVU. My grandma likes to watch certain TV shows every night, so it was great that she actually let me pick one for once. :)

Thursday - We relaxed in the morning and were planning on going to a place called The White Swan for lunch, but I got distracted by Law & Order: CI while my grandma was in the shower, so we didn't leave till 2:00, and the place closes at 2. (My grandma was not happy about this.) We ended up going to Bojangles for lunch, then to the Dollar Tree for candy and new decks of cards, and I sat in the car while my grandma snooped in some random store. Playing cards, a shower, and dinner were about all that happened after that. (The usual, you know?)

Friday - We basically did nothing up until 4:00 when we went to Belk. My grandma searched for sweatshirts (and nearly bought this hideous black shirt that had glittery Christmas presents on it), but was unsuccessful. Then we went to El Zarape for dinner. It was amazing. I've been to an El Zarape closer to my house, but this place was soooo much nicer. And just as delicious and same great prices (even better that night since my grandma had a coupon). Best meal of the week, that's for sure.

Today we did nothing but eat breakfast, clean up the condo (the stuff that everyone has to do the day they leave), and leave. SO good to be home.

Yes, I know this post was incredibly long, but I know you all are just so fascinated with my life that you want to know every detail about my vacation week. ;) I'll be back to normal posting tomorrow.

Two posts I have in mind: The Duggars and my plans for a family in the future.

For now, I plan on relaxing with my mommy. :) Laundry catch-up begins tomorrow.

Bout time, huh?

I was really trying not to go several days without posting, but life has been insane since I last posted.

Tuesday was spent arguing with the doctors because they wanted to send me home that day, but I had crappy oxygen saturations all night Monday night, and my mom was really nervous. The docs claimed it was a probe problem, but thank God for Tom the pain guy, because he argued and fought with them until they agreed to give me one more night. It was the best thing, too, because one more day of breathing treatments and medicine, and Tuesday night, my sats were great.

So Wednesday we were ready to go bright and early. Hah! We could not wait to get out of there. Then, a freaky thing happened, and as I was washing my face with one of the washcloths (the same washcloths I've used every day that I've been there), without even using soap or anything, and my face broke out in a rash. The redness went away rather quickly, but my face is still caught in the worst breakout I've ever had. We left the hospital and went to our usual celebratory "yay I left the hospital" lunch at Olive Garden. There, we ended up getting seated next to a woman who, the second she saw me, recognized that I had a shunt and we talked for over an hour. It's great how God puts people in your path at just the right time, isn't it? After that, Mom decided that she really wanted to get me new bedding while we were out because she had a plan to literally clean my room out from top to bottom and get rid of all possible allergens. So we went to WalMart, and I was out of breath just walking to the back of the store. Luckily, they brought me one of those motor scooters. We got mattress and pillow allergy covers, but no good bedding. So we went to Target, and still no luck, but I got a motor scooter there, too. Bed Bath & Beyond had nothing. Then to Sears and they had nothing. Okay, I shouldn't say nothing, because there were things that could've worked, but we weren't super excited about anything and they weren't great, so we went on. I was totally exhausted, but I kept going just because I knew this was important. JC Penney's had nothing, either, and I was about to give up. But I agreed to one more store since we were already at the gigantic mall - Belk. Every place but Sears had wheelchairs, so I was okay. We got up to the second floor, and headed for the bedding section. Oh hallelujah, we found the PERFECT one! The orange was the perfect shade, I love the geometric shapes; I was instantly giddy about it. So we finally left about 5:00 and headed for home. Needless to say, I slept the entire way there except to wake up for dinner. :)

Thursday we had big plans to start on my room, but that so did not happen. Mom and I slept all day long. And we needed it, too. A good sleep in a real bed without being woken up every 10 minutes can do wonders for you. :) Then, of course, we were up till 3 am singing The Sound of Music and laughing hysterically. (Hey, you trying singing "The Lonely Goatherd" and not laughing!)

My mom, being the crazy insomniac that she is, woke up at 6:30 and started emptying out my room. She woke me up at 8. At that point, she had already gotten everything except for my big dresser out. We cleaned. We cleaned. We cleaned some more. We moved furniture. Lots of furniture. We rearranged my room. We rearranged Chelsea's room. We switched the dressers between the two rooms. We moved the exercise bike into my room. It was a long freakin' day. But now I'm sitting in my own room on my new comforter, and it's so worth it. :) My mom is the best person alive. She did most of it herself since Chelsea's pregnant and lazy, and I'm weak. She's amazing. Seriously.

So yeah. That should explain why I haven't blogged. But I'll try not to leave you guys hangin' like this again. :)

(And yes, I do have a crazy love for smiley faces.)