Today was very long. 6+ hours in a car for a very short appointment that gave me nothing more than another medication change and another doctor basically telling me to grin and bear it until my appointment at the headache clinic on June 19.
I'm not angry. It's not those doctors' fault they're stumped. And I'm not angry at God. My faith is all I have left. Right now I feel so weak and so broken and so incapable that I can't be mad at Him because I need Him too much.
And besides, with all the conversations I had after the appointment today, it's impossible for me to forget just how much God has blessed me. How sustaining the body of Christ really can be when they move together to show me God's love and presence at a time when I so desperately need it.
A guy I've never met whose wife just had a baby yesterday taking the time to text with me after my appointment and reminding me "I'm on your team." Telling me God has given me a platform for a reason, which just makes me want to use the opportunity even more. Pain and all.
My best friend in California in the middle of a busy pro soccer season answering me when I know she barely has the time.
A church friend telling me that they prayed for me at small group this week, reminding me that I'm never far from my family's thoughts.
Friends new and old sending me Bible verses, encouraging texts, reminding how much they love me and how much more God loves me.
When the body of Christ moves to lift someone up, it truly is one of the most beautiful things you can experience on this earth. At least...that's my opinion. I was feeling really upset, discouraged, and confused when I left the clinic today, but talking to these sweet friends of mine got my head back where it belongs. My God is good. He'll carry me to that June 19th appointment.
Not many people can say they have people from literally all over the country praying for them, but I can. That's such a huge blessing, one I hope I never take for granted.
Chris's sermon on Sunday was titled "Pray Big." And let me tell ya, every single week it feels like God gave Chris those words just so I could hear them, but this one hit me hard. I was crying. I have struggled for a long time with the difference between knowing that God can do something and believing that He will do it. I know that God can heal me, but I often doubt that He will. But between that sermon and the unshakeable faith so many of my friends displayed today, I am more solid than I have ever been in this.
James 4:3 says "You do not receive, because you do not ask." I haven't even bothered asking God for my healing in a long time. I guess because I was scared to get my hopes up that He'd heal me only for Him not to. But not anymore. There is nothing wrong about having high hopes in the Lord! I am praying for my healing. I'm believing for my healing.
And you know what? Even if it doesn't happen, I know that my God is still good. I know I am blessed to live the life that I do. And I'm gonna use whatever platform God puts in my path to tell people about the amazing, all-knowing, perfect God that I serve. If a painful life is where God wants me, then I am rededicating myself right now, thanks in part to the encouragement of so many of my friends today.
I am all in.